1 January 1634

Another year. Another year of caring for my girls, keeping the village alive, hunting and tending the garden. My goodness, I do an awful lot these days! Not half as much as I used to, but it does seem a lot now.

I suppose it is a lot for me. I'm getting old and I have melancholy. Taking care of two children is quite the task for anyone, really. I love them to death, but it is work to care for them.

4 January 1634

Patrik sent me a letter today inviting me to his home for tea. I know he wants us to be friends, but it is hard going to his home when he killed my love. I…I want to be his friend. I want to be able to talk with him and have tea with him and just have a friend. I want to have someone to talk to again.

I'll see if I can go. I'll take a week or so to build up some energy, and then go and see him, and then if it's too much I'll just go back home. He can't blame me. He killed my love.

7 January 1634

My mother was wrong. My mother was completely wrong, when she told me those cruel things she did. She was wrong, and I need to remember that if I'm to keep myself sane while I raise my girls. I love them more than I can say, and I need to be alright for them.

My daughters get along very well with Patrik's sons. I suppose that's as good a reason as any to try to be his friend. I am trying, but it's…it's hard.

He's invited me to his home. I think I will go. I'll manage, somehow.

11 January 1634

I went to Patrik's house today for tea. I told him he might like to borrow a book I have, and he told me he'd love to read it and talk about it.

Maybe we can build our friendship again. And after some time, maybe we can talk about how he killed my love, and maybe I can forgive him.

The tea was delicious, and I felt…a little happy, to be sitting there with him and talking like nothing bad ever happened between us. I haven't had a friend in so very long. It would be nice.

15 January 1634

A few people in the village have gotten smallpox, and I'm…somewhat concerned that this might be the beginning of something. It's happened before. When I was a child, a few times smallpox would sweep through the village and Dolora would be busy for weeks, treating everyone.

This could be that. I hope not, but…you never know.

20 January 1634

At least twenty people in the village have the first signs of smallpox, and at least one has progressed to the rash. Here we go, I suppose.

I'll do my best. I have my stashes of elderflower and rosehips and everything else I use to treat the symptoms, and I've had smallpox myself, so now I just need to worry about keeping my daughters safe and curing the entire village.

That's all.

24 January 1634

I've hardly slept, treating everyone constantly. Children with fevers, adults with the bleeding pox, infants with the flat pox…it's a lot to be dealing with right now. Children are dying, children my little Luke's age and children my daughter's age. A little girl right now has the flat pox and she…she might die. She probably will. The flat pox is like the bleeding pox-people usually die from it.

At least a few people have the easy kind, where they don't need much from me. I can focus my energies on the people who really need me.

28 January 1634

Patrik found me in the village today and asked me what was going on.

"I'm sorry I haven't been writing you, but there's been an outbreak of smallpox. I have to handle it."

He nodded. "I understand. You may come visit any time you like, if you need a rest from your work. And tell me if there are any supplies you need."

"Thank you," I said. "If…if you could get me some rosehips and elderflower. And feverfew. And mellowsweet. And…oh, I'm sorry. There's quite a few."

"Write me a list," he said. "I can purchase them."

"Are you sure? It might be expensive."

"I have more money than I could ever want," he said, a bit mournfully.

"Then…I would appreciate it. Thank you."

"Good luck," he said, and he touched my shoulder lightly.

It was…very kind of him. I'm not sure what to make of it. I suppose he's trying to make it up to me. And I don't mind. Perhaps I ought to bake him something-baked apples, maybe. It's a kindness for a kindness.

1 February 1634

Most people are moving to the rash part of the illness. It is…not particularly pretty. I've been doing everything I can to keep them comfortable, but this is the worst part of the illness.

And…the deaths. Oh, the deaths. Every one feels like a stab to the chest. Most nights I come home, cook for my daughters, kiss them goodnight, and curl up on my bed to cry for hours and hours. Children are dying. Everyone is dying. I was with Mary when her youngest daughter died in her arms. I'm not sure I can bear it one more second.

4 February 1634

Patrik brought over more supplies today, while my girls were playing with their friends, and he looked at me oddly and said, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I said shakily.

"I do not want to overstep boundaries, but it seems to me that you are upset."

"Children are dying, Patrik."

He frowned. "I know. I'm sorry."

I could feel myself trembling all over, and I knew I was about to cry. So I said, "I-I am quite upset. If you…oh, just come in. Put on the kettle."

He nodded and went to the kitchen, and I collapsed in my chair with my face in my hands.

"Chamomile?" he asked.

"Yes," I choked.

He made me tea and brought to to me and said, "I do not think there is much I can say to make you feel better. I hope my company may be some comfort."

I nodded and he was quiet and calm while I sobbed into my tea and tried to pull myself together.

And then he told me I would surely do my job well and left. I…he is trying to be better. He's going to be better.

It's going to be alright. I'm going to have a friend again.

8 February 1634

I think the worst of the outbreak is over. I should have some time, now, to console the living and bring something over for Patrik. Something to thank him for everything he's done.

And time now to focus back on my daughters. The outbreak took time away from reading with them, cooking with them, talking with them…being their mother. I want to be there for them. I need to be there for them. I love them.

13 February 1634

I invited Patrik over for tea today and he came, and I said, "I appreciate what you did for me. During the outbreak."

"I did what I did for the village. I am glad everyone is alright."

"Everyone isn't alright. People died."

"I am glad everyone who can be alright is alright."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Alright."

"No, not really. But I will be."

He nodded, and we sat in quiet for a while before he said he had to leave.

I had a nice evening with my daughters. We cooked dinner together, and then I read to them, and we talked about the book, and then I put them to bed and cuddled with Button for a little bit. It was…nice. Relaxing, I suppose. I haven't felt like that since…well, a long time, anyways. It was nice.

28 February 1634

Oh, I'm so forgetful these days. It's been two weeks-the longest I haven't written since I lost it for those years. But it's been alright. Since the outbreak, I've been back to my normal workload, and it's felt more manageable now that I know how bad it can be.

And Patrik…Patrik comes by once a week or so, and we have tea and chat some. Never about anything much, but we are friends. Not close friends, but there's time for that.

3 March 1634

Influenza season is upon us. I tell my girls to stay safe, to avoid sick people and eat right and sleep lots and bathe once a week. I can treat them, anyways. They're old enough to be past the worst of the danger.

8 March 1634

My daughters and I went out for a walk, because it was a warm day, and Nepeta made a game of stepping around the puddles, and Meulin played with her, and I followed them. My heart felt so full and warm to see them having childish fun like they should be allowed.

We didn't go the clearing where my family is, because I…I don't want to take them there just yet. But I went back on my own, later, and I sat in front of my love's grave and talked to him for a long time. I asked him how he was and told him about my girls and my work and how…how I'm friends, a bit, with Patrik, and I told him over and over again that I love him, I love him, I always will.

I always will.

14 March 1634

I've been writing less often, and I do that when I feel better, so I suppose I'm getting better. I want to be better. I want to feel like I did on my best days, when my family was alive and we were happy. I want to be happy now with my daughters. It would be so much better for them if I was happy.

I want to be better. I wish I knew how.

18 March 1634

My Meulin found the graveyard today. Quite by accident, she says, and I don't quite believe it but I won't question her too much. I told her I buried my love and my son there, and put graves for my best friend and my real mother, and that I used to play there when I was a little girl, and I chose it because the forget-me-nots can remember for me when I pass.

"I'll never forget you, Mama."

"I know, little love. But in a thousand years, when we're all dead and gone, the forget-me-nots will remember my family for me. Including you and your sister. I love you both very much."

"Love you too, Mama."

22 March 1634

I invited Patrik for tea in a couple of days, with the hopes that I can finally talk about what he did to my love. I want to talk about it so the air can be clear between us. So we'll see how this goes.

26 March 1634

Patrik came by today to talk, and I told him, "I…I'm ready to hear you out, about what you did."

He gulped and looked down. "I'm sorry. I am. I…he was in so much pain. He was going to die. And…she ordered me to. She would have killed me if I had not." He dropped his head. "I'm sorry. I was a coward. I…I could not bear to kill you, because you were right. We all bleed red. You were my friend. You were right."

I nodded. "Thank you. I…I appreciate the apology. I can't forgive you, not right now, but I very much appreciate it. And I will, someday."

He nodded, too. "I understand."

There was quiet between us for a while, and then he said, "I'm sorry. Your kindness is more than I could have hoped for."

"And yours."

It was quiet, again, and then he left.

I don't know how I feel.

30 March 1634

I thought about what Patrik said today, about how he's so sorry and he appreciates my kindness. I want to forgive him-I do. And I think I'm going to try. It will take time, and I will have to be better, but I will try. I am going to try.

I cooked dinner with my daughters again tonight. And for a moment, when we all sat around the table together and ate what we'd cooked, I felt like I had a family again and it was going to be okay.

It's going to be just fine.