Alice Alive

Chapter Twenty-two: Bartholomew

By, Kajihenge Yoko

Oh my God,

Please help me, neck deep in the river screaming for relief,

He says it's mine to give, but it's yours to choose,

You're gonna sink or swim, you're gonna learn the truth,

No matter what you do, you're gonna learn the truth, saying,

Ate the bread that once was stone,

Fell from a cliff, never broke a bone,

Bowed down to get the kings overthrown,

And I'm all alone, and the fire grows,

And I'm all alone, and the fire grows.

Kurama's POV

"Don't be a grump," Alice says firmly, as I pull her into the locker room under the stadium. "I'm not two, and you are not my dad." Her pointed chin is stubborn and her dark blue eyes warn me not to test her patience. Perhaps a different tactic is in order then. Certainly, I was prepared to scold her as if she were the child she occasionally acted like, but because I tend to forget that Alice actually is a grown adult and force her to bend to my will more often than not, it's no wonder she's so defensive. Maybe a gentler approach would achieve more results.

I force my anger down then. "I know that, Alice, but you were still very reckless." Vaulting herself off an eight-foot wall in stilettos and rushing at a B-class demon like she did things like that everyday, like she wasn't fragile or impossibly human – it made my blood boil. I keep a neutral expression on my face though.

Her eyes flash. "Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think that I just go about my life with a blindfold on?"

I stop her before she gets any angrier, raising my hand in a placating gesture. "I do not think you're stupid, I think you are impulsive. And it's going to get you killed one day," I say, nudging her to sit on a bench. "Did you hurt yourself at all?" I ask, eyeing her silver heels. I honestly have no idea how she did not break both of her ankles from jumping from such a height.

She frowns, circling her feet. "Nope. I'm fine." She looks back up at me, slouching on the bench, eyes wandering all over my bloody clothes. "What about you, Kurama? Should you sit down?"

I comply, sitting down as gingerly as possible. Karasu missed a lot of vital areas, but he did aim for my thighs and backside. I hate to admit it, but I am very worn out and beat up at the moment. As durable as I may be, my body is still human.

Alice is giving me a rather soft look now. There is a little pain in her expression, and her mouth is pulled into a glum frown. Her hands curl in her lap. "I was worried about you."

"I know," I say. "I heard you." Her voice shouting that she'd never forgive me if I died – how could anyone not hear something like that, honestly. Oddly, it had given me a little strength though, at the time. "Did you mean it? You really wouldn't have forgiven me?" It was such a silly thing to say, but I really believed she meant it at the time at least. That desperate tone, a roaring plea, only Alice could have threatened something like that with that kind of voice.

"How the hell could I forgive something as stupid as being killed by that guy?" she mutters, turning away, embarrassed. She folds her arms and slouched a little more. She wonders why I don't treat her like an adult, but the truth is, sometimes I don't think she's any more mature than Yusuke. Over the years, the feeling that it's somehow my duty to take care of her has grown. She can deny it all she wants, but it doesn't change the fact that she needs me. With her slouching and pouting like that, it's not hard to think that she's actually sixteen anyway. However, every now and then, she does act like an adult, and when she does it takes me by surprise.

I chuckle at her, pulling her blonde hair toward me, fingertips grazing her spine. "I believe you. I probably should have taken your earlier suggestion about his long-range fighting abilities more seriously. I feel so dense for missing something like that."

She scowls as I separate her hair to braid, tossing a glare at me. "This is why I tell you to listen to me once in awhile. I'm not as dumb as the blonde hair suggests." Her scowl vanishes and then a bright smile replaces it, scattering away any shadows in her eyes. "And now I get to say: I told you so."

"Your self-satisfaction is a one-time victory," I say, tugging on her hair playfully. "Enjoy it while it lasts." She gives a preening smile and turns to face forward, letting me weave her hair in a thick, messy braid. A wave of her perfume hits me as she turns her neck. The top notes of citrus, middle notes of hyacinth and jasmine, and the broad base note of patchouli engulfs me for a moment. Her lavender soap appears underneath her perfume, and underneath that comes her own soft human scent. After that is the faint whiff of Hiei from this morning. I stop and start braiding again slowly. If Alice notices my pause she doesn't say anything.

I know that something is going on between her and Hiei. I don't particularly like it, but I suppose I don't have much of a say in the matter. Alice and Hiei are cut from the same cloth in the regard that both of them will do whatever they want and not care about the consequences. I don't really understand why Hiei would be drawn to her though. Alice is a human, and he hates her kind in general. I suppose that at least she and Yusuke have both grown on him, but I still find it hard to believe that Hiei can look past Alice being human long enough to be romantically interested in her. Her other qualities: her sense of humor, her appearance, and her work ethic are not bad. But the girl possibly has the absolute worst luck I have ever seen. And as for her intelligence, well, I feel that she's always been more book-smart than anything.

Although, she did see through Karasu where I did not. Her intuition is definitely a plus.

I try to look at her through my old eyes for a moment, examining her as Youko Kurama. I am closer to my old demonic self now than I have been in ages, and I am not disappointed. I can feel a familiar coldness come over me, a mocking energy, and a quick calculative boredom. My old self is here, beneath the surface, and I remember that the first time I met her she made me curious. Now, she makes the old me hungry.

I push the feeling back, still not satisfied. I'm not sure what to make of that sort of feeling, like I want to bully her to see what she would do. I don't think it's the same way Hiei feels about her, because Alice would never put up with that sort of thing. No, Hiei is much more pure than I am. He hasn't had thousands of years of boredom to drive him, and he's simpler than myself. Give Hiei a good fight, a good opponent, a new technique to master, and he can be entertained for ages. It isn't so easy for me anymore. I want to squeeze every drop of meaning out of life itself.

Maybe I'm just hard to please.

"Alice," I begin, wondering if I should even bother.

"Hm?" she asks, glancing back at me. Her eyes are widened so that she can see me from the way she's angled away from me. The overhead lights brighten her eyes.

"The relationship between you and Hiei has changed, hasn't it? Are you two together now?" I ask curiously, keeping my face neutral. I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I don't know what I feel. Empty, maybe. Blank.

Her eyebrows mash together and her mouth pulls into a scowl. "Goddamn it, Kurama, do you have to know everything?" She pulls away from me and the braid I made falls loose as she jumps to her feet. "It's none of your business, and I don't want to hear it, because all you ever do is judge me and try to make me feel small enough to fit into this tiny little metaphorical box, and I have no idea what the hell it is you want from me –"

"You were trying to keep it from me," I say, curling my hands into fists on my lap. I feel a twinge of anger. "Are you ashamed of something, Alice?"

The way her face pales and her blue eyes widen tells me that I've hit the mark. "Of course not," she lies, holding herself. "What is there to be ashamed of? Hiei is good for me –"

"But you're not good for him, and you know it," I say flatly, feeling a mixture of cruelty and triumph. I can see it all now from the way she's so defensive. The way that Hiei looks at her, and the way that she returns his glances as if she's holding something back, like a nervous tick. She knows, one day, that it will all implode. Hiei's feelings for her are obvious to someone who knows him as well as I do, and her using him is just as obvious. "That's what you're ashamed of. I never knew you could be so cruel."

Her mouth trembles and I can tell that she's on the verge of tears. "Why are you saying these things? Don't you think I know this already? Do you think I enjoy being so weak?"

I blink, realizing that I've gone too far. Why did I push her so hard? Ah, of course, my old self is boiling over now like a pot of water. I'm scalding her with that personality. But still. "Hiei is my closest friend, Alice," I say, feeling much clearer and calmer. "If you think that I wouldn't say something to you about this, then you're wrong. I don't want to see either of you hurt. He's young for a demon, he doesn't know much about women – especially human ones. As for you, you're so vulnerable –"

"Shut up," she snaps, eyes flashing. "Do you think that I want to hear that from you?"

I suppose she wouldn't. After all I am the one who hurt her the most. I'm the one who made her this way and pushed her so far, and I suppose if Hiei does get hurt from this it'll be my fault. I watch Alice's hands curl into fists and think that if I don't do something quickly, she'll never talk to me again.

The door suddenly swings open, and Kuwabara appears with Hiei's prone form slung over his back. "Special delivery," he grumps, stepping inside. He stops, looking between Alice and me. "What's going on?" His eyes widen as he feels the rage and anguish coming from Alice.

"Nothing," Alice says, voice carefully blank. "I'm going back to the hotel."

Kuwabara blinks and jumps out of her way to the door. "But what about mine and Urameshi's fights? You're going to miss the best parts of the Tournament!"

Her shoulders tense and she looks at the ground as she makes her way past him. She glances at Hiei's sleeping face and looks back down. "Sorry, Kuwabara. I just can't be here anymore. I'll see you later." With that, she darts out of the room and down the corridor, heels clacking softer and softer as she gets out of hearing range.

"What did you do?" Kuwabara accuses, frowning at me. He roughly drops Hiei onto the other bench and turns to me, hands on his hips. He looks like a disappointed mother. "Only you could make her run away like that, Kurama. I keep thinking you're this really nice guy, and then you go and pull something like that. You're just as bad as Hiei!"

I give a heavy sigh. "Maybe I'm worse."

Kuwabara jumps, looking a little ashamed. "I – I didn't really mean that, buddy, you know that. It's just, you know, me and Shizuru look out for her," Kuwabara says with a helpless shrug. "And you try your best, but sometimes I think you'd rather get rid of her than deal with her. I don't know why you have to push her buttons so much. You know exactly what sets her off, and you still do it, and then you even act surprised when it happens. I don't get it, man. You're not stupid."

I rub my temple and sigh again. Kuwabara is right. I do have the unfortunate habit of doing everything in my power to make Alice angry. It seems like every time I turn around I've done something to hurt her, and I can't or won't stop myself from doing it. It can't be love. Something like this never happened with Maya.

Or maybe. Maybe it's because of what happened with Maya.

Hiei wakes up six hours later, jumping to his feet almost immediately. I close my book, telling him about how they had to get a replacement ring for the next rounds, and he hasn't missed anything.

"I see," he says, sitting back down against the bench. He looks around the locker room. "Where are the others?"

"Yusuke and Kuwabara got bored and went for a walk," I told him. "The girls went off too, but I think they're still around the arena. Yukina is safe, don't worry."

Hiei levels his red gaze at me, and without any hesitation or apprehension at all, bluntly asks, "Where's Alice?"

I sigh. "I made her angry, possibly angrier than I've ever seen her. She left to go back to the hotel," I told him, slouching and resting my elbows on my knees. "I hope you'll forgive me. It was for your sake."

He merely stared at me. "What are you talking about, Kurama? My sake?"

"I called her cruel," I answer him honestly.

He blinks in response, confused, and then it slowly seems to dawn on him. His eyes narrow. "You think I'm incapable of seeing why she's really with me, don't you?"

"No, Hiei, I know you see it too," I reply. And I know he does. He just doesn't care.

"Then what is it? Do you think I'm incapable of making my own decsi –" He stops, and his red eyes widen in some realization and narrow at me again. "I see. That's it. You're doing the same exact thing to me that you do to her. You think you know better than everyone else, and you manipulate others to follow your unsolicited advice for what? Some sort of twisted self-satisfaction?"

"I just...I don't want anyone to get hurt," I answer, but even so, I know I'm going about this the wrong way. I feel a pounding headache start in my temples.

"Kurama, has anyone ever told you to mind your own business?" Hiei asked.

"I'm sure Alice has, numerous times, but I can't ignore her. And I can't ignore you either," I say, straightening. "You're my best friend, my closest comrade, and I know that she'll hurt you in the long run. I just don't want to see that."

His expression becomes stony. "Try it. Try a hands-off approach for a while and see how much better it will serve you, because you really need to mind your own business, you nosy fox. What goes on between her and myself is between us, and I will not allow your interference. No matter how much you can't ignore her," he spat. "It's because you refuse to leave her alone that she hates you. I don't care what your reasons are, but if you come between us again, I will kill you."

He is serious, red gaze glaring, jaw hard.

I sigh. "I understand."

Back to Alice

Kurama's words stick in my chest like a knife. I lay on my bed in my hotel room, staring up at the ceiling. Shadows move across it, as the sun changes positions in the sky. I've been crying, but now I feel empty, and immobile.

Am I cruel?

I've been lying on the bed for hours, letting my thoughts circle around and around and around. I can't seem to find the end of them, a solution, or absolution. I have no idea what I'm doing with Hiei. I like him, even love him in a way, but I don't feel in love with him. I know I'm not being fair. I know I'm taking advantage. I know he doesn't care, but even if he doesn't care, it doesn't make it okay.

I pull myself up, realizing that I can't lie here forever, and check my reflection in the mirror. My eyeliner is messy, so I smudge it and neaten it into a smoky eye, adding another layer of liner. I think it makes me look dark and haunted, and it's a perfect reflection of how I feel. I decide to soften it with a pink blush, however, thinking that I really don't want to give Kurama the satisfaction of how much he hurt me today. I don't know if I can forgive him for the things he said.

But at the same time, I know I he has a perfectly legitimate point, and I'll probably end up forgiving him anyway, because he's Kurama and I'm Alice. My love and forgiveness for him is inevitable, no matter how much he hurts me. No matter how much I want to run away from him, he's inescapable. He's endless.

And Hiei...he's just a distraction.

Oh, God. I am cruel. I am heartless.

I grab my green bomber jacket and let myself out of the hotel room, intent on going to find Hiei. If I beg him to dump me, maybe it'll be much clearer. Once he's free of me, he'll be safe from me. I won't be able to hurt him.

I head up to the boys room and knock, but no one answers. I swing open the door, finding it unlocked, but it's dark and empty inside. I remember something now – the Tournament is still going on because Hiei and Bui destroyed the stadium. I need to go back there, then.

I turn and leave the room, closing the door behind me, and take the elevator down to the lobby. It's chilly outside, and I pull my jacket on, eyeing the low sun. It's about five o'clock, according to my watch. No one is around me as I make my way back to the arena, aside from the birds chattering in the woods, it's silent.

It doesn't take me long to reach the end of the woods, to the wide-open space for the stadium. I stop, blinking at it. There is a wall up around it, but waves of demons are rushing out of the hole in the side of it. I see the stadium trembling, and I can hear a wailing siren as red lights flash around what's left of the roof.

Oh, crap. I had forgotten about this part. How? I have no idea, except my head was filled with other things. I stay at the edge of the woods though, deciding that it would be a bad idea to run in and try to go after my friends. They knew I wasn't in there after all, at least if Kuwabara or Kurama had told them I left. I feel a twinge in my heart for Shizuru, knowing that she's losing Sakyo right as I stand here. If only he weren't so stubbornly stupid, maybe they could have made it.

I squint at the hole in the wall, trying to see someone I recognize. The wailing sirens seem to grow louder and more insistent as I wait. I want to go and make sure everyone is coming along, but I remember that they don't get out until the very last minute. I know it's dumb, but I find myself edging closer and closer to the stadium, squinting harder.

Finally, I see the familiar bronze of Kuwabara's tall head, Yukina's mint green hair, and Kurama's brilliant auburn. The others, Keiko, Yusuke, Botan, and Hiei are following them. I don't see Shizuru or Koenma, but I know they're coming. My friends run hard away from the crumbling stadium, and Kuwabara is the first to spot me, and waves his arms enthusiastically.

"Alice! Alice! We beat them!" he cries, coming to a stumbling halt in front of me. "Jeez, you were smart going back to the hotel like that – imagine if you'd been caught in that mess!" he says jutting a thumb over his shoulder.

"Shizuru!" I yell, startling him. Shizuru, Koenma, and George are rushing forward, clouds of dust enveloping them as the building crashes behind them with a loud cracks and bangs. I relax as I realize they are not in any danger, and they stop in front of the rest of us, panting and turning to look at the rest of the stadium collapse into a heap of rubble.

It explodes wildfire, BOOM like a nuclear bomb, and shoots rubble and debris into the murky, dusty air. I cover my face to protect myself from the rush of heat, and it singes my lungs and smells like molten rock. The heat vaguely reminds me of Hiei, and I remember what I originally came to do.

Not in front of the others though.

"It's the end," Kuwabara murmurs, looking at the crumbled, smoking heap of rubble.

"Yeah," Yusuke says, somber, giving the once-stadium a dark look. "Finally."

There was a moment of silence, then, "Augh!" Atsuko suddenly shouts, eyes wild. Her hands curl into irritated claws. "They said that after we've won they'd grant our wishes! We've been tricked! We won't be getting anything!"

"Damn, you're right," Kuwabara says, looking annoyed.

Yusuke sighs, and his expression grows darker. "It doesn't matter, we still fought. The only wish I had to fulfill won't be granted." He turns his face up to the sky, eyes pained, and yells, "Hey! Old hag! We won!"

Hiei's hot hand closes around my elbow, and he tugs me to the side of him, stoplight red eyes roving over my face. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell that he must have been concerned about me. I notice he's still missing his bandana for his Jagan, although the eye is closed now, and his forehead looks deceptively smooth. His expression is unreadable.

"Let's go back," Keiko suggests, eyeing Shizuru's cloudy face.

Shizuru looks at Sakyo's grave with a wave of rage and a murmur of anguish. I don't know what to say to her, but I think it's something that she has to work out for herself. Sakyo betrayed her by killing himself. She knows it, and she also knows that he was a troubled man – no matter what he felt for her. Something like that isn't as simple as I loved someone and he died, and it could never be so easy with Sakyo. He was too complex and too tortured, and while I think their relationship wouldn't have worked out in the long run, I think the experience he gave Shizuru – the love he had for her – was a good thing. That kind of passion is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it's something that should never be passed up for something safe and sound.

I think she was lucky to meet him.

She turns away from the rubble and starts into the woods. Keiko and Botan slowly follow her, leaves crunching under their sluggish steps. The others fall in line behind them, and Hiei and I take up the rear, his hand still around my elbow. I avoid looking at Kurama, but I can feel him glance at me every so often.

The walk back to the hotel is silent, heavy, and darkening. The sunset is brilliant, pink and orange fading into navy night, but no one seems to notice it. Hiei is tense beside me, and I can feel him on the verge of saying something. He'll wait until we get privacy though. He isn't the type to talk openly in front of everyone, and neither am I.

We separate from the others once we reach the lobby, slipping away into an elevator, taking it up to my floor. Hiei's hand falls by his side as the door closes behind us, and he stops in the middle of the room. His back is turned to me as he looks out the wide window that faces the forest.

"You left today."

"Yes," I say, watching the tense line of his shoulders.

"Kurama told me what happened," he continues, shoulders growing tenser still. "He shouldn't have said that."

"But, he was right, Hiei," I murmur, feeling the knife throb in my chest. "He was right, and I know it, and it's true because I am just using you. It isn't fair to you, and I can't stand it."

"Why?" he asks, turning his face over his shoulder at me. His stoplight red eyes pin me to the spot, waiting expectantly. He clarifies at my confused look. "Why can't you stand it?"

"Because I care about you," I answer, curling my hands up. "I don't want to see you hurt, much less hurt you."

He pauses, expression softening slightly. He turns to face me fully, hands shoved in his pockets. His chin goes up. "We've gone over this. I've already told you that you aren't taking advantage of me. Is your skull really that thick?"

I feel my mouth tremble dangerously and my eyes burn with held-back tears. I'm not upset because he implied me to be dumb; I'm upset that he can't see what he's doing to himself. "Hiei, please, just dump me already. Find a nice demon girl –"

Bang.

I jump as Hiei's palm hits the wall beside my head, his arm brushing against my hair, his nose an inch from mine. His expression isn't that fierce, but his eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth is in a line.

"Dump you? Why would I do that?" he demands quietly.

"I'm not good for you. You deserve someone whole – someone who isn't jagged and glued together, and someone who will only look at you –"

His head drops beside my face, and his hair brushes against my cheek. His breath tickles my neck as he rests his chin on my shoulder. "But I like those dark jagged pieces. They make you who you are – a vicious, stupid, impulsive idiot that goes after whatever she wants. You aren't afraid to make yourself dirty to achieve your goals. Of course, you're bad for me, but don't forget that I'm just as bad for you. People like us will only drag each other deeper into the underside of hell."

I shiver, even though his heat is rolling off his body. What he says is completely, utterly true. I will do whatever I must to get what needs to be done, done. After all, didn't I just get Sakyo and Shizuru together the other day? Wasn't I the one who fought five girls to protect Kitajima? Didn't I follow Yusuke and Kuwabara into the City of Ghosts and Apparitions? Haven't I been fooling around with one man to get over another? Haven't I been drinking for the past week with my friends? Don't I do everything in my power to make Kurama suffer when he hurts me?

"I'm not letting you go yet," he says, bringing his other arm up and around my waist. He pulls me against him. "What Kurama says doesn't matter to me, because it isn't his business. That foolish fox will learn that lesson one way or another."

He won't let me go, and I am too weak to force him. I need him. "Hiei..."

His mouth covers mine then, hot and demanding. His hands pull off my jacket and he turns me around, pushing me on the bed, hovering over me. He stares at me, gauging my reaction, and I'm not unwilling, but I do feel incredibly emotionally drained. "Is this okay?" he asks, sliding his hand under my shirt.

I nod, but he pulls back instead of continuing. His expression is disgruntled as he drops down beside me.

"I'll wait. I don't want you like this," he mutters, pressing his warm side against mine.

I roll over to look at him, confused. "What do you mean?" I ask. "I'm fine."

His eyes switch at me and narrow irritably. "You're not fine. I said I don't want you like this. I much prefer the eager you from earlier this morning."

I sigh, knowing he's right. I wouldn't want to bang a girl in a gloomy mood either. "Are you all right? You went to sleep right after your fight with Bui."

His expression softens as he looks up at the dark ceiling. The only light in the room now is from the remains of the sunset from the window. It throws shadows on the wall and makes the room feel like a cave. "The Kokuryuuha expends a lot of energy. I just needed to hibernate to restore it. If I'm not at full power yet, I will be by tomorrow."

"Mm," I say, resting my head on his warm chest. I stiffen as I think of something. "Did Kuwabara happen to get any answers out of the older Toguro brother? About how he knew my real family name?"

"No, unfortunately the oaf is not privy to the fact that you have only told Kurama and myself your name, so I doubt that he thought of it. I was also too preoccupied to give it any consideration during the match. I still wonder how he found out about it – even though it doesn't seem that important."

I sit up, frowning, feeling my heart flutter nervously in my chest. "I think it is important. I have this really foreboding feeling that something bad is going to happen." I think back to the dream I had about my mother. "I had a dream about it too. Everything is so vague though."

I see Hiei's eyes narrow as the last of the sunlight disappears from the room.

OHAI GUYS

If you're still reading this fic, lemme tell you how friggin' happy I am. I AM HAPPEH.

I know it's been ages since I've updated, but I think I have leapt over the biggest hurdle, and I will continue to do my best. I know you must be very excited/slightly angry and I'm glad if you've kept up with this fic. I definitely haven't abandoned it, but ya'll know that I'm not the quickest updater. I will do what I can from now on though. :)

Tell me how happy you are to see me again! Lemme say hi to you! Leave a review!