5.1 – (KrspaceT)
[Gurren Lagann/Soul Eater]
"Just who the hell do you think I am!"
"Just who the hell do you think I am!"
Maka just stared in horror as the meeting that should never have occurred, did.
"Do you think this is going to FUBAR the Loops into another conflict with the daughter of Medusa, Orochimaru and Voldemort?" Soul had to ask in terror.
"Honestly...I think it might just be worse" Maka gulped.
"WORSE!?
"I am the mighty Kamina, the champion of manliness!"
"I am Black⭐Star, the one who will surpass God!"
"Bro...please stop before you Crash us into the Evangelion Loop with Nina-Rei and Lordgenonedo Ikari, again." Simon begged as his blood brother and the recently awakened assassin looked ready to duke it out, for apparently no reason.
"Black Star, what is going on?" The non Looping Tsubaki was absolutely clueless about what Meister Kamina's weapon meant by 'Loop'.
"I'll tell you what is going on Tsubaki, Enchanted Sword Mode!"
"Simon, Spiral Drill mode!"
Simon and Tsubaki knew they were going to regret this, but did so anyway, as a giant one handed drill and a magical sword appeared in their respective meisters possession, sparking with their various powers.
"I'll teach you to respect your Looping elders kid!"
"Put a shirt on and don't wear those stupid sunglasses!"
Maka just face palmed as their conflict obliterated a huge trunk of the DWMA.
5.2 - (Harry Leferts)
[Girls und Panzer/Bolo]
Miho was just walking through some woods this Loop. She had Awoken on what seemed like a different planet and one where there were legends of metal titans who protected people and a massive war. A war of which there was plenty of evidence as one could point to a ruins of a city or massive fortifications across the planet. Nonetheless though, Miho decided to use it as a Loop Loop of sorts, hence why she was wondering through the woods.
Grant you, she was using the excuse that after the massive flood from a landslide damn failing a few days before, she was checking the damage on the paths outside of the town. Looking around, Miho frowned in thought as she bit her lip. 'It's a nice day and it's not like anyone would notice me driving a tank... could be good practice.'
It was then that she reached a portion of the path washed out by the flood, but that was not what stopped her. Rather, it was the massive section of metal that she could see below. "What in the..." Making her way down the slope, she wandered around the metal "Deck" even though she could see what looked like a cannon sticking out of the dirt on the other side of the wash. "Hmm..."
As it turned out, it was only the work of moments to find a tear in the side of what she had begun to suspect was a massive tank and make her way inside. Not like she was too frightened of death anyways. Not too long afterwards, she entered the cockpit and recoiled at the sight of a skeleton in a chair. Unnoticed by her, when she jumped back she managed to hit a flashing red button...
-x-x-x-x-
Initializing Reboot...
Error 96
Error 235
Initiate Emergency Reboot Alpha...
Error 21
Error 21
Attempting to bypass...
Error 79
Critical failure
Initiate Emergency Reboot Beta...
Error 15
Error 19
Attempting to bypass...
Critical Failure
Attempting to bypass...
Critical failure
Initiate Reboot Gamma...
Status... Successful.
AI Diagnostic Started...
Status... Successful...
Accessing Databanks...
I am BXXXIII-6947-NKE (Nike). When I first came online, I was told that my name was shared by an earlier mark of Bolo which had demonstrated great bravery. During the last days of the Final War, I was assigned to protect this world alongside my Commander. The Malconians were numerous and while we prevented the extinction of humanity on this world, we were unable to prevent a large scale bombardment. At one point, I suffered enough damage to irradiate my cockpit and within two point six nanoseconds I realized that my Commander had suffered from a lethal level of radiation poisoning.
I did not feel saddened, angered, or grief as I am of the Line. My Commander's last orders before he died was for me to power down until the Concordiant arrived with relief forces once the enemy was driven back. And so with most of the population centers wiped out, I headed toward the nearest surviving group of humans, fighting every inch of the way. Once I detected that there was no more attacks, I followed my Commander's last orders and powered down.
As I came back online, it took one point six seconds for a systems check. Realizing that this was meant that I had been damaged, I sent automated repair drones to the damaged areas. More intriguing was that my internal clock determined that I had offline for five hundred, twenty six years. Within nine nanoseconds I calculated that this meant that the Concordiant had fallen. All this occurred within fifteen seconds of coming online, which meant that I had time to observe the young human currently in my cockpit as she observed the skeletal structure of my now dead Commander with what my databanks told me was sadness. I decided that more time was needed to observe.
-x-x-x-x-
Saddened, Miho looked at the skeleton in the chair in sadness. 'To die alone...' Looking around at what she now figured was in fact a tank if the diagram on a flickering screen was right. It was then that she froze and slowly turned to look at the screen. 'It's... on... that means that...' Her heart beat increased as she heard something and turned in time to see other screens come on. "Oh... Pine."
A voice which sounded somewhat female, though artificial echoed through the compartment. "Please state your name, rank, and authorization number."
Gulping, Miho looked around. "Um... M-my name is Nishizumi Miho and..."
-x-x-x-x-
It has been a eleven point six point three years since I have met my new Commander, Nishizumi Miho and much as been discussed. At that first meeting she managed to guess my authorization code which I found... humorous. When she had asked why it was the name spelt by my identification, I answered that my former Commander had ordered it changed to such before he died so that any surviving forces of the Concordiant could activate and command me. Commander Miho, for some reason, held one hand against her face in what my memory banks have termed a 'Facepalm' while there was a large drop of water that slowly dripped down the side of her head.
After I accepted her as my new Commander, she gently removed the remains of my former Commander and buried him. I had asked her where she had learned military burial traditions and she had, after sixteen seconds, gone on to explain that she had been in a military school. It was only five point nine point seven years later that she had explained that she was what was termed an "Anchor" for time loops. I expressed some surprise and interest in being shown proof. Commander Miho then proceeded to do so by seemingly creating a small tank from nothing. However, my sensors detected a tear in time and space for approximately two point three nanoseconds. As such technology was far beyond known possibilities, I accepted her explanation.
Since then, she has explained much to me about these "Loops" and I have found myself feeling... angered at some of the Loops she has explained. My Commander has expressed some surprise at how I wished for her to place me within her "Pocket" and take myself with her. I explained my reasoning which she excepted after a time. For I shall protect Commander Miho, and her friends wherever we may find ourselves. I shall protect any humans and other innocents from danger. For I am BXXXIII-6947-NKE . I am a Bolo and a Unit of the Line. And as I have was told by my former Commander...
Bolos might fail. They might die and be destroyed. But they did not surrender and they never-ever- quit.
For the Honor of the Regiment.
5.3 – (Vinyshadow)
{Hellsing/Prototype]
"Alex Mercer! You people-eating sack of shit!"
"Alucard! You people-drinking son of a bitch!"
The Prototype and Vampire punched each other in the face and shared a knowing pair of grins.
-x-x-x-x-
Deep within the bowels of the Hellsing building, Sir Integra felt a shudder course down her spine, as if she was about to get-
The phone rang, and she stared at it as if it was a grenade. Hand shaking, she picked it up.
"INTEGRA! You wouldn't believe what I've been up to!"
Integra turned on the TV, and was stumped to see nothing out of the ordinary on the news.
"Hello, Alucard. What's got you in such a fine mood?"
"So, I was feeling rather Loopy and stumbled upon a nice Anchor..."
"Yes, I'm wide Awake, get to the point."
"Mercer's here."
Integra wanted to weep.
"And we just finished a nice...walk in the downtown. Alas, nothing came out to play and Alex...not Anderson - say, isn't that rather funny? My best friend and best enemy both have the same name?"
"Where's Alex now?"
"Fighting my best enemy."
Integra let out a long sigh. "Right, well, I can tell you two are going to have fun. Play nice and try to keep the collateral within our budget."
"I make no promises."
He hung up.
-x-x-x-x-
"Ve have one thing zhey'd never expect: zeppelins!"
"Ah, Major?"
"Ja?"
"Vhell...our reports of vhis...Mercer character...vhell..."
"Vhat is it, vhat do zhey say?"
"He...has a very special hatred for flying vehicles."
"And you didn't tell me zis sooner because...?"
"You...never asked."
"How boned are ve?"
There was an explosion outside and they turned to see three zeppelins going down in flames and a many-tendriled thing flying at them.
"...Very."
"Well, Mercer, your latest excursion resulted in billions of dollars worth of aircraft destroyed-"
"Military only. I don't touch civilian craft and commercial airliners," he interrupted. Integra glared at him while Alucard stifled a snicker.
"Why do you hate them so much?"
"They're loud, obnoxious and usually try shooting me when I'm trying to enjoy a meal."
"Well, I guess we know what you'll do for a Klondike bar," Alucard grinned.
"Seventy inch plasma screen TV," Alex retorted.
"...Touché."
5.4 - (Kalimaru)
[Kill la Kill/Super Smash Bros.]
Ryuko was having a hard time adjusting to this. Everything had been Baseline, even Mako's bizarreness was normal. But this?
Coming down the stairs, in front of all the bowing students, was a giant white glove. Nobody was even remotely surprised by it, and the only sound at all was the soft swishing of fabric as the hand walked.
Leaning down, Ryuko started whispering with Mako. "What's that thing?"
Mako gave Ryuko a chastising look. "That's rude, Ryuko! Master's not a thing, it's a he! He's Master Hand!"
Even Senketsu lost it at that. "There is no possible way this is legit. Ragyo has to be messing with us somehow."
-x-x-x-x-
As it turned out, Ragyo was very much not messing with them.
Impaled, Ragyo glared down at Master Hand. "To think that you would so rudely interrupt your own mother with this! After all I did to raise you!"
Master Hand's only response was a one finger salute.
Down below, Ryuko chuckled. "I think I'm starting to like this guy."
5.5 – (KrisOverstreet)
[Lucky Star/Haruhi Suzumiya}
Imagine, if you think you can, how terrifying it is to wake up in the morning, stumble into the bathroom, and realize the face in the mirror isn't your own.
I've since learned that this happens to Loopers, especially Anchors, from time to time, but the first time it happened to me I couldn't understand what was going on. Before this point things had always been the same at the beginning, with absolutely nothing changed right up to the moment I woke up on the first day of high school. The face in the mirror was always the face I always remembered having, with its serious but not stern features permanently fixed in their proper place.
What I saw that morning wasn't me. Gawping back at me in the mirror was some wide-eyed little kid who apparently decided to keep on being cute right through high school. Every expression that face had was in some way adorable. I couldn't make that face look serious, no matter how hard I tried! Stupid face! Why can't you get some dignity? You can't even do grumpy right! Come on, look grumpy! But of course it was no use. The closest I could get to grumpy-looking was an expression something like a rabbit twitching its nose.
Over breakfast, with a family who felt familiar but definitely weren't my own- for one thing, I had an elder sister, not a younger one- I began to experience for the first time what many Loops later I would be told were "Loop memories," the memories of the Unwake me who had lived from birth through the moment I Awoke in a world not my own. I could remember elementary and middle school, vacations with my family, cram school the previous year, and of course scraping into the elite Ryo-o High School in Saitama. It was an entire life, all in my head, floating like jetsam on the surface of the many, many copies of the same life I'd already lived.
Loopers eventually learn how to speed-read through these memories to grab the really vital information they need to not be killed or humiliated in their first ten minutes Awake, but of course I didn't have that. How could I have practice with a phenomenon I'd never encountered before? So, without that iron focus of mind, the new memories would act just like old ones, popping up unwanted and without warning or context. That might be why a certain annoying fact didn't come to my attention until homeroom began.
(While I'm thinking about it, what was with that teacher? We sat there for twenty minutes in silence, watching this blonde ditz so focused on her handheld video game that she couldn't be bothered to even tell us to introduce ourselves! And come to think of it, she spent so much of her time head-down in a computer or video game, it's a wonder she found any time in her packed schedule to teach! How insufferably lazy! Teachers are supposed to be dedicated, energetic people devoted to shaping the next generation's leaders! They're not supposed to be ambitionless slackers just gliding their way through life from day to day!)
(Don't look at me like that. I never said I wanted to be a teacher.)
Anyway, eventually we got to introduce ourselves- or most of us did. By which I mean, all of us who got to speak before me. When I stood up, things came to a grinding halt.
"Um, from-"
"Hey, look, it's Kyon."
This came from one of the earlier students, a very short girl with long hair and the biggest cowlick I've ever seen. My new memories supplied a name: Konata Izumi, one of the stranger girls in the middle school I'd recently attended. Apparently, as my new memories told me, she was a fangirl's fangirl, the master of the overnight cram session, and otherwise possibly lazier, I admit it, than me.
Still, I don't think we'd ever actually shared a class, and in any case that was before I Awoke. So what right does she have to hang that nickname on me in this world where my name is even MORE not Kyon than it usually isn't?!
"Ah... my name is not Kyon. In fact, it's-"
"Sit down, Kyon. Kyon is Kyon because he always has a snarky comeback." Konata leaned back in her chair and looked at the girl behind me.
I had just a moment to look myself. The poor girl had her hair down in a pageboy cut, which half-concealed a face that looked very, very ill. What was she even doing at school, if she's sick? The first day isn't an excuse to spread your germs to others! Show responsibility and stay home!
"Oh, and Haruhi's here too."
The sick girl, who looked nothing like Haruhi, shook in obvious shock. Without standing, she stammered, "My name is Ha-ha-Haruka Fu-fu-fujimiko."
"'Cause in three years of middle school Haruhi always sat behind Kyon," Konata finished.
"Stop calling me that," the sick-looking girl said. "It wasn't funny last year and it isn't funny now. I don't even watch anime." Her eyes widened as she realized what she'd said. "I don't? What anime?"
"That's a shame," Konata replied. "Anime is the defining art form of Japan for the postmodern age! It's a phenomenon that's conquering the world and displacing Hollywood as the great influence on pop culture!"
I didn't bother listening to any more of that. "Teacher," I said, "I'm taking Fujimiko to the nurse's office. I don't think she should be in class in her current condition."
"Fine, fine," the teacher (that ditz) said. "Just remember, it's against school rules to re-enact eroge scenes on campus."
Wh-wh-what? I was going to do no such thing! And what kind of teacher says such things?
Anyway, I have no idea what happened with the rest of the introductions, because I was helping Fujimiko (who was five centimeters shorter than Haruhi- built more like Nagato, to be honest) down the hall to the nurse's office. Which, naturally, was unattended at the time. I helped Fujimiko sit down on one of the beds and asked her if she was all right.
"No," she said. "I keep trying to say your name, to prove all of this is a bad dream, and I can't say it."
What's difficult about it? My name is-
"I don't mean Tazuki Kazutome," Fujimiko said. "I mean Kyon's real name. I didn't recognize you because you look so different, but when you made that face after being called Kyon, I knew it couldn't be anyone else."
Now it was my turn to sit down. Fortunately a folding chair lay next to the bed, and I fell into it. Is this girl telling me-
"Half of my mind is telling me I'm Haruka Fujimiko. The other half is screaming that I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, and that none of this is right!" She reached over and grabbed me by the uniform collar, hauling me closer, all the better to shout right in your face, my dear. "This isn't like all the other times! Only little things changed then! Yes, things kept repeating, but they were the same things! I could try to figure it out, try to understand why they were repeating, maybe figure out a way out!" Now she was shouting, shaking me hard enough to give me a sore neck. "And somehow I know it'll all be fine if you can just tell me what Kyon's name really is!"
How many thoughts could try to jam their way through my poor ordinary brain at once? Certainly all of them in the world tried to do just that, battering against my mind rapid-fire, like waves of fire-arrows coming down on the daimyo's castle roof.
Haruhi was Awake. She'd been Awake all along- well, for how long? Nagato wasn't always Awake, and Asahina only three times in total so far.
This person trying to give me whiplash was Haruhi. The voice was wrong, the face was wrong, the body was very wrong, but the tone of voice, the cadence of speech, the callous insensitivity to her own brutality- all of these things were definitely, unmistakably Haruhi.
How think were the walls, exactly? How far would the sound of Haruhi's shouting carry? There was the teacher's lounge and administration office between us and any classrooms, but still!
"Say it! What is Kyon's real name?"
Fine, if it'll get you to let go of my jacket. My real name is...
I couldn't say it.
I could see the hard-to-write kanji in my mind. I could hear those elegant, tongue-tying syllables echoing in my ears. But when I tried to say them, my mouth imitated a carp's. Lips moved, but the jaw just worked up and down, and no sound came out.
What the hell? I had never had any problem saying my name before waking up in this world. Not that anyone ever paid any attention. Only Nagato failed to call me Kyon, and that was because she never referred to me as anything but, "You." Had I lost the ability to claim my proper name through sheer disuse? Was a name something that could atrophy?
No, stupid idea. Stupid, stupid idea. Go back to Osaka and sell things.
But I had to tell Fujimiko- Haruhi- I had to tell her something.
"Kyon's real name is John Smith."
There. Yes, I said it. And now the universe can end. I'm sorry, universe. It was nice knowing you.
The girl didn't let go of my jacket. In fact her grip grew tighter, and she yanked upwards enough that I could see the whiteness of her knuckles. "Idiot," she said. "That. Wasn't. Very. Damn. Funny."
"Fine. It wasn't a joke. For some reason I can't say the name you're looking for either. But if we're both stuck in this world that's not the one we know, then I stand by that name. Kyon is John Smith."
"Idiot." Haruhi's grip loosened, and she began to tremble. "Stop making jokes about things you don't understand."
Why is it, Haruhi, that when I lie like a candidate for the Diet you lap it up, but when I tell you the bald, unvarnished truth you can't accept it? Well, whatever.
"Hehee."
That wasn't Haruhi. It certainly wasn't me.
We both looked back to the door of the clinic, where Konata, her eyes half-asleep as always, grinned at us like some kind of mental defective.
"What do you want?" Haruhi- Fujimiko- oh, I give up, Haruhi- asked.
"I knew it was you two by the time I finished watching the third episode for the first time," Konata chortled. "You two always act so much like them." She pointed to Haruhi. "You always speak bluntly, and you sulk when things don't go your way. You're an ace in academics, and you're top-tier in athletics, but no club's ever managed to tie you down." She pointed to me. "You always whine and complain about other people bothering you, but you'll let anybody and everybody bring you their problems. Haruhi here most of all. And you can't let anyone say something foolish without a comeback."
What makes you think I can't keep my mouth shut when people say stupid things, just because I always choose not to?
"See what I mean?"
Despite still trembling, Haruhi managed a chuckle.
Konata's grin grew even more mischievous. "Besides, your names are just no good. Kazutome is a made-up name, and Tazuki is a family name, not a given one. Fujimiko's legit, but it means 'Fuji shrine maiden,' right? And Suzumiya means 'shrine bells.'"
My parents are both Kazutome, as is my elder sister and my grandfather. Its not a made-up name! It's just... really rare. Really, really...
Nope. Even I don't believe it. She's got us dead to rights.
"Don't worry, I won't tell your secret," Konata grinned. "Who would believe me? I'm just the lazy, obsessed otaku girl, right? Even my friends will think it's just me giving you weird nicknames." If the girl grinned any more, her head would come completely unzipped just below the ears. "But I have a price."
"This is blackmail!" Haruhi protested.
Since when has that ever bothered you, when you were on the extortioner's end of the deal?
"I want you to introduce yourself properly," Konata said. "Not as Fujimiko. Introduce yourself as if this was North High in Nishinomiya."
Haruhi made a face. The features were different, but in that moment the face was one I'd seen far too many times. If Haruhi can make her face do Haruhi things, I demand equity! Give me back a face that knows how to frown, dammit!
"Say it," Konata intoned. "You know you want to. Saaaaaaay iiiiiiiiit."
"Fine!" Haruhi snapped. "But only so you'll stop being so creepy, all right?"
"Sure, sure."
Haruhi closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, forcing the last of her nervous tremors away. It was like a transformation, like watching the old crone be revealed as the goddess Athena, prepared to punish the mortal who dared be better at something than her. She stood up from the bed, her nervousness and nerve-sickness vanished. Fujimiko was gone, and Haruhi Suzumiya, in all but form, stood with her arms folded before us.
"From East Middle School, Haruhi Suzumiya!" she barked. "I have no interest in ordinary human beings, especially creepy ones!"
"Say it right!" Konata complained.
"If there are any aliens, time travelers or espers present, come see me. That is all!" Haruhi finished, flopped her butt back on the nursing cot, and glared at Konata. "Satisfied?"
"Well, the voice isn't quite right," Konata sighed, smiling so hard her eyes had turned to half-circle lines like some kind of cartoon drawing. "But everything else was just so perfect! It gives me little thrills every time I think about it!"
"Yeah, yeah, a deal's a deal, right?" Haruhi asked. "Are we done?"
"Not quite." She looked at me. "Say, yare yare."
"Good grief."
"Say it again."
"Oh, brother."
"Again!"
"Gimme a break."
"Again!"
"Yare, yare!"
"Again!"
"Don't I get any better lines than that?" I asked.
"Catch phrase!" she said, giving a thumbs up. "It's super-effective! And you say it differently every time, but it's all Kyon!"
I don't even.
"You did it again!"
"That's enough!" Haruhi snapped. "We're going back to class now! And this is the end of this talk, understand?"
"Fine, fine," Konata nodded. "But you're keeping your nicknames. You'll probably find it easier that way anyway."
"Wait a minute," I asked. "There's still one thing I don't understand. How do you know the names Kyon and Haruhi, anyway?"
Both Haruhi and Konata looked at me like I was the biggest fool on Earth. "Kyon, don't you remember?" Haruhi asked, in the softer tones of voice she'd used in the classroom. "She's been calling us that ever since that anime aired last-" Her eyes went wide, and the Haruhi frown was replaced by one of the brightest and most terrifying Haruhi-grins I've ever seen, before or since.
"I'M AN ANIME!"
⭐ Lucky Star⭐
I was grateful as hell for a number of things regarding the revelation that, in this strange but familiar world with unfamiliar faces, Haruhi had an anime named after her. First, the anime wasn't actually airing at the moment; it had ended the previous fall, and the first DVD volume wouldn't be coming out until May, well after Golden Week. Still, Haruhi made Konata promise to bring her loaner copies of the three currently extant manga volumes to school the next day so she could see what it was about. It took every bit of persuasion I had in me to prevent Konata from giving a complete spoiler-filled synopsis of the show right there and then. Disaster averted... but only for now!
Of course that made my mission for the evening obvious. Every penny of pocket change I could put together at home went with me on a quick train ride to Akibahara, so I could seek out the series for myself. I had to know just how closely this anime ran to the world we knew. Was it totally different? Was it a complete tell-all? Or did it conceal some things and reveal others? I needed this information immediately, because beyond all doubt Haruhi would throw it in my face when she found out, tonight or tomorrow or, if I was very lucky, the next day. I would need answers no later than Thursday- sooner if the Fujimiko household had an Internet connection.
I learned the hard way that Haruhi's anime was not just filler for a weak season. Apparently it had been the biggest hit of the previous year. Three manga shops were completely sold out, with restock not expected until the fourth tankubon came out in June. The fourth store had no copies either, but the clerk pointed me to the used book shelf, where someone had just traded in a complete set thus far of all the novels- and the novels, having come first, went a long way beyond the manga or even the anime at this point.
But even at half-price- eight novels? With the ninth one to be released at the end of the month? If Haruhi decided to resume her habit of imposing penalties whenever she wanted snacks, she'd have to find someone else to punish. My eight books and I barely had enough change left for the commuter train back to Satte-shi.
I admit I liked the illustrations. I don't think anime art styles are capable of capturing the subtleties of Nagato's expressions or the absolute magnificence of Asahina's beauty. And Koizumi I couldn't care less about. But I had to admit my own likeness, my serious but reliable mien, and my dismay at Haruhi's constant shenanigans came through exactly as I felt them. Likewise, Haruhi's moods, from exuberance to melancholy to anger, had been captured perfectly in as few lines as possible.
I stayed up half the night reading the first novel. It was worse than I'd feared- and I don't mean the writing, which I thought better than average for light-novel kiddy fare. It revealed absolutely everything, hiding nothing- and worse, the point-of-view character wasn't Haruhi, but me.
I can't describe to you how spooky it was, reading my own thoughts, my own feelings in every detail, as if I'd written them myself... when of course I'd done no such thing, not being suicidal.
(Hey, you, Tanigawa! Or whoever you are! If you're going to write my story like this, why name it after Haruhi? The Melancholy of- damn, I still can't say the name- The Melancholy of Kyon would have been a lot more appropriate! Or how about The Sigh of Kyon? The Barely Controlled Terror of Kyon? The Stress-Induced Migraine of Kyon? All I'm saying is, quit aiding and abetting Haruhi's stealing of the spotlight!)
The next morning, by a fluke of luck, I ran into Konata before Haruhi arrived. "I have one quick question," I said, not even stopping for introductions. "Are the mangas written from Kyon's point of view?"
"Of course," Konata nodded. "And Kyon narrates the anime, as Kyon should know."
My head sagged into my hand, mainly because I couldn't bury it any lower.
"You haven't told her a thing, have you, Kyon?" Konata asked. "You're in for trouble, yessir."
I don't suppose I could be so lucky as for you to have left those manga volumes at home.
"Loaner copies one-two-three right here," she replied, patting her bookbag.
Not good. So far from good that light would take fifteen billion years to reach good from there, which effectively meant it and good no longer existed in the same universe.
"Oh, morning, Haruhi," Konata said. "I'll give you the mangas at lunch, okay?"
Haruhi, or Fujimiko or whatever you want to call her for the moment, had arrived just as the tardy bell was ringing. Ms. Kuroi was at her desk and, surprisingly, alert and attentive, and she didn't give us much time for the personal thought I desperately needed to take. She didn't pull out her video game system and begin ignoring us until after lunch, and even then she put it down and began teaching again when we got too noisy or when the bell between classes rang. By that time, of course, Haruhi had the mangas in her possession.
If there was something I could say to warn her off the mangas- no, of course there wasn't. No egotist so pure as Haruhi could resist learning everything possible about anything with her name attached. And after reading the first novel, I knew that barring a miracle there would be no way to persuade her that the more fantastic parts of the story were made up. Maybe the Haruhi of the original world, thirty-odd Loops ago, might have been able to explain away the coincidence... but a Haruhi who, by her own admission, had been repeating the same years over and over, who knew strange things were a definite reality, that Haruhi wouldn't be able to lie to herself anymore.
So, lying was out. Once Haruhi read those mangas, she'd have to know everything else, too. She wouldn't let anything stop her. She'd go on to the anime and to the novels and to whatever else existed. Nothing less but the whole truth would satisfy her.
Fortunately I had the whole truth, or as much of it as I ever intended to tell anybody, ready to give her. In eight convenient volumes, with a ninth on the way.
The next day Haruhi was waiting in the classroom when I arrived. "I read the first chapter," she said with a grin, holding up the manga volume. "You should see how you're drawn! Your head is shaped like a lemon with a dirty mop on it!"
I couldn't argue. A quick flip through the first chapter showed really flat artwork, nothing like as talented as whoever did the illustrations in those novels. My head looked squashed in all but one or two panels. The only character the manga artist did any justice to was Nagato.
"Tell me, Kyon," Haruhi asked, "were you really that pathetic at first?"
Keep reading, and don't bother me about it until you have a real question.
"That was a real question! There's no room in-"
And don't make a scene... Fujimiko.
Haruhi, realizing where we were, shut up, put the manga away, and turned her attention to classes.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
The next day, Thursday, Haruhi wasn't grinning.
"I read the second chapter," she said. "Is it true?"
I haven't seen it. What's in it?
"Yuki. Her apartment. And Asakura."
In the classroom?
"Is it true or not?" Her voice wasn't cracking a whip and demanding obedience. Nor was it asking me to lie to her. It was more the Fujimiko voice than Haruhi's, the shy, put-upon girl whose life Haruhi seemed to have taken over the same time I took over this cuetsy-faced boy's life.
"Yes, it's true."
"Yuki's really an alien? Asakura really tried to kill you? You really went to Yuki's apartment?" These were questions Haruhi completely failed to ask. Instead, having got my answer, she spent the rest of the day staring at her hands in deep thought.
Konata cornered me at lunch. "Looks like she's got through the second volume of the manga," she said. "Do you think she'll make me an esper so I can go into closed space and defeat her Celestials?"
First, don't be such a fangirl. Second, she says she's only read the first two chapters.
"Wow, she's slow. I read through a tankubon in half an hour." Konata cocked her head a little, still smiling that sleepy smile, and added, "If she's this depressed now, think how moody she'll be when she finds out about Sleeping Beauty." She pointed a finger at me and made a shooting motion. "You'd better be ready, Kyon!"
Yeah, big help you are. Why don't you go bother that Takara girl?
"Yeah, she is fun to tease, isn't she? Doesn't she just trigger your megane fetish?" Konata giggled. "Oh, I forgot. You don't have a megane fetish. You're into ponytails!"
It's infuriating to talk to a near-stranger who knows more about my life than I do.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
Friday came.
"I read the third chapter."
I expected as much.
"Am I really that frightening?"
Keep reading, Haruhi.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
The weekend passed uneventfully, allowing me to finish reading those eight novels. They more or less comprised our first year of high school, Haruhi, myself, and the SOS Brigade. They left a few things out, like the experiment with the rock band during third term, but all the major incidents were in them... along with all the emotions, all the stray thoughts, all the snide remarks I'd made in the privacy of my own head.
I had to come to terms with the fact that those thoughts weren't going to be private anymore. Like it or not, I was a storyteller, and Haruhi was going to be a truly demanding fan. A three-year hiatus simply wouldn't be permitted. I'd have to produce on deadline or face the penalty.
Then Monday came.
"I read the rest of volume 1 over the weekend."
Good for you.
"Do you really hate the SOS Brigade that much?"
No questions about Asahina or Koizumi yet?
"Answer me, Kyon."
Keep reading, Haruhi.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
Tuesday, at lunch, in the courtyard.
"Did that dream really happen?"
Which dream, exactly?
"Don't play games with me! That funny world with the gray skies and the glowing giants! Did that world really happen or not?"
"Have you got that far in the story yet?"
"No, but the first chapter of the second volume has a grown-up version of Mikuru in it! And she mentions the name, 'Snow White!'" Haruhi slammed the bench we were sitting on. "I remember every bit of that dream, Kyon. I don't remember most of my dreams, but every time history repeats I always have that dream at the end of May, and it's always more real than reality! And I especially remember how it ends!"
Keep-
"Don't tell me to keep reading! Answer the question, damn you!"
I thought about it for a moment, then said, "I haven't read the manga, but I'm going to say that yes, it's all true, every bit. It wasn't a dream. And I'm not going to waste time answering more questions about how I feel, then or now, until you've at least got past that dream in the story."
Haruhi glared at me, mouth set. I knew that expression well enough by now. She was furious with me, but she couldn't say anything without letting out something she didn't want to admit. Which, of course, made her even angrier.
"I'll admit something to you," I said. "I rushed out and bought the novels that manga was based off of last week. Once you've got past the dream, I'll lend you the books. I've read them, and they're more accurate than I wish they were. All right?"
Haruhi didn't answer. She just stomped off.
I had the books with me Wednesday, anticipating the obvious.
But the obvious was postponed.
Haruhi never showed up that day. About midway through second period, Mrs. Fujimiko came to pick up her assignments.
That afternoon, as we were about to go home, Konata said, "We're going to visit Haruhi."
"What do you mean, we?" I asked. "I don't know where she lives now."
Konata held up a piece of paper. "I snuck a look in the school directory in the office," she said.
"Okay, fine, but why you? I'm the Kyon around here, as you won't stop reminding everybody."
"I'm going," Konata said, "because if Haruhi gets upset and destroys the world, I'll miss the next episode of Code Geass."
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
I don't think Mrs. Fujimiko would have let me in if Konata hadn't been with me. Haruhi's here-and-now mother had got two paragraphs into an unsolicited explanation of how sick she was and how she couldn't have visitors before the little blue-haired otaku girl had asked about her mangas. "I loaned them to her last week," she said. "I'd like them back if she's done with them, please."
That, plus a lot of calm, confident persistence on Konata's part got us in the door and up to a room which looked nothing like the one Haruhi had in our home world. Appropriate, since she looked nothing like she did back home either. That moment she looked even less so than before. I'd never seen Haruhi Suzumiya so openly... depressed isn't the right word. Haruhi got depressed off and on all the time, but this Haruhi was actually sad about something.
The mangas lay stacked neatly on her desk. I picked up the third volume and flipped through it idly.
"The artist got better at drawing you, John Smith," Haruhi said quietly, the first words she'd spoken since we entered.
I looked. Well, I wasn't a lemon-head anymore, but the lines were so sparse and nondescript I could have been a background character in GeGeGe Kitaro.
"You tried to tell me." Haruhi sat on her bed with her back to us, not looking at us. "You tried to tell me, and I didn't believe you. I even made a joke about it, with the movies."
What was I supposed to say? This wasn't the moment for I-told-you-so, no matter how long I'd been waiting to say it.
"I thought everybody was having fun." Haruhi slumped forward, looking even less like herself by the moment. "I thought, once it got started, it'd be so fun everyone would want to stay. And it turns out they were only staying because they were all afraid of me. They weren't having fun at all. They were saving the world from me."
That's not true, Haruhi.
"Isn't it?" She pointed a hand back behind her more or less at me. "The baseball game. You wanted nothing to do with it. You hated every minute of it. And you had to cheat to win because you were afraid I'd destroy the world if we lost."
Not your fault, Haruhi. Nobody can control their subconscious mind. You just thought baseball was a silly, easy, boring sport. You didn't realize-
"I didn't realize everything's easy for me because I'm God, and it's not so easy for everyone else? I kinda got that already, Kyon."
I'd had enough of this. I grabbed Haruhi's shoulder and turned her to where she couldn't face the wall anymore. I damn near shoved her off the bed, to be honest, but I wasn't going to settle for anything less than looking her in the eyes, even if they weren't her eyes. "Listen to me, Haruhi," I said. "You only got your powers about the time you were starting middle school. You weren't God before then, but you were still smart and talented in a lot of things. Sasaki told me. She was in the same elementary class as you, under another name."
"What does she have to do with anything?"
"Yeah, who's Sasaki?" Konata asked. "Is she the new character in the cover art for the new book coming out-"
Some people have no ability to sense the mood. "Sasaki is like you," I said. "She creates closed space. She has her own group of espers. And she's most definitely not God. In fact she was offered the job by a group of people who wanted to give her your powers in addition to her own, and she refused. If she's not God, neither are you. You're just a very talented girl with abilities she can't control."
Haruhi snorted. "So I'm not God. I'm just someone who can destroy and recreate the universe on a whim. Big difference."
"Sasaki also admires you."
Haruhi froze.
"So does Tsuruya-san, though she's just an ordinary human genius. So does my sister." My hands moved on their own, as if I could find the words I wanted in an invisible filing cabinet in front of me. What, am I becoming an Italian? "When you're at your best, you kind of... give off this light, or something. You make people want to follow you. You make people want to be more like you." I shrugged and added, "But I admit, at your worst you're absolutely insufferable."
"My worst? Like what?"
I'd laid my bookbag on the bed when we came in. I opened it up and withdrew the second novel in the series- The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya. "This is the second book in the novel series. It contains the moment when you're at your absolute worst as a human being." I thumbed through the pages and found the part I wanted, then thumbed forward to the end of the scene. "Read these four pages," I said. "There's a second passage a little later I want you to read after that."
I'd picked the evening after, during the filming of the movie The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina Episode 00, Haruhi had ordered Asahina thrown into a pond. Haruhi had slipped Asahina some sake in order to make her drunk enough to do a love scene with Koizumi. What followed was four pages not so much about Haruhi being horrible- that would only have taken a page to describe- but about how my mind worked at the one moment when I'd actually been so angry with her that, if not for Koizumi's sharp reflexes, I would have punched Haruhi full on in the face.
Haruhi got to the point where Asahina passed out from the booze and handed the book back to me, wordlessly. Her mouth was firmly set in the I-don't-dare-say-anything line, but her eyes said all I could want to hear. I flipped forward only a few pages and said, "Now read what happened the next day at school, beginning with Taniguchi complaining."
She found the spot, read for a few pages, and looked... confused. But still silent.
Haruhi wasn't God, and I wasn't going to let her be a stone Buddha either. "A manic Haruhi is scary," I said. "An angry Haruhi can be downright terrifying. But nothing is worse than a depressed Haruhi, and not because of anything you might do with those powers of yours. A depressed Haruhi simply doesn't fit properly in the world. You need to be going full tilt ahead, and damn the torpedoes. That's why I told you I wanted to keep making the movie. That's why John Smith helped you draw that design on the school grounds."
"Shut up, Kyon." Haruhi turned from me to face Konata. "This idiot keeps stumbling over his tongue. I'm tired of it. You're a fan of this manga, right?"
"And the anime! I've got half a dozen statues and gachapan of you alone, plus some of the other SOS Brigade members! You're my favorite character!"
"Why? How can you enjoy a story about me?"
Konata held up a finger. "Haruhi Suzumiya isn't just about super powers and harems and things like that."
What? Harem? Who brought harems into this?
"Haruhi Suzumiya is a heroine for those of us who don't quit fit in to what the world expects of us," Konata continued. "She's a bit mean and selfish, yes, but when she wants something she doesn't complain about how it can't be done. She doesn't let the rules stop her. She makes miracles happen." That sleepy-eyed smile never faltered as she concluded, "She's so wonderful, she can even make a place where a klutz, an emotional cripple, a man who can't show his true feelings, and a disillusioned cynic can become a family. In the real world that's impossible. But Suzumiya doesn't take impossible for an answer. Haruhi gives us hope."
See? There's a lot to deplore, but there's a lot to admire about you, too.
Haruhi snorted again. "The stories make you look like a whiner," she said.
"There's a book about that, as it happens," I said. I took the rest of the books out of my bag and stacked them in order on her desk, first one on top. "I think the manga goes in chronological order. The books don't, but you should probably read them in publication order anyway. And don't make up your mind about yourself until you've read them all." I put my hand on the stack and said, "This covers most of the big events of our freshman year, from the first day until almost the end of third term. All of us changed a lot in that one year. Don't judge by an incomplete picture."
Haruhi stared silently at me. Well, she was staring at me now, so there was some improvement.
"Anyway, we'll be going now," I said. "Konata, don't forget your mangas."
"Just a minute," Konata said. "I need to ask Haruhi one more favor?"
"What?"
Konata pulled a felt-tip marker out of her bookbag. "Can I get Haruhi Suzumiya's autograph?"
Like I said, she really needs to learn to sense the mood. Even Nagato's better than this.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
Haruhi returned to school the next day, but she didn't speak to me until the following Monday, when she simply said, "I finished the first book."
And that was all she said to me for that day, and the next, and the next.
On Thursday she asked me, "Who really did edit the movie?"
I've never found out. If I had to guess, it was a certain person's subconscious.
"It wasn't that bad! The film society had to have a second screening because people demanded to see it!"
All guys eager to see Asahina in a bunny girl outfit and her waitress outfit. The film was tripe.
"You just don't appreciate high art, Kyon, even when you're helping make it!"
Aren't you moving a bit slowly though those books anyway?
"I have studying, homework and projects to work on at nights too, Kyon. Or have you forgotten we're high school students?"
I'm in high school for the thirty-somethingth time. I think I can manage a C average.
"Unacceptable! Todai! Tokyo University, and nothing less, and on the first application! Nothing else is acceptable for both of us!"
You realize the world is probably going to reset before we set foot on campus, right?
"That's not the point!"
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
Haruhi had joined Konata and her friends, Takara and the Hiragi sisters, for lunch. They seemed to be getting along, in a sort of bickering way. Kagami Hiragi was from the class next door- in fact she was the class president, but already half of our class referred to her by first name, she spent so much time over here. She and Haruhi seemed to be in the middle of a contest to see who could be the most tsundere about Konata's otaku tendencies. Konata, of course, was eating it up, along with Haurhi's and Tsukasa Hiragi's box lunches.
When the group broke up, and Haruhi walked back to her desk, she said, "You slept with Mikuru?"
Nothing happened!
"Right, in the same way no footage was shot of Mikuru changing clothes?"
"Look, Nagato froze time in that room! We closed our eyes, and three years passed, like that!"
"Snacks for a week, Kyon! Penalty!"
Oh, brother.
"Did somebodies say their catch phrases?" Konata grinned, popping up next to us and resting her chin on Haruhi's desk.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
"You know about insects, Kyon?"
Of course Haruhi wouldn't talk about the fact that she'd been left completely out of the mystery of the computer society president's disappearance. That fact had to piss her off, but there was no way she could argue that it wasn't necessary.
"I collected bugs as a little kid for a couple years," I said. "I read books about them. No big deal."
"Next time a giant insect attacks, I expect you to tell everyone its elemental weaknesses and vulnerable points!" Haruhi commanded.
It was an alternate dimension, not an RPG! And what do you mean, next time?
Haruhi held up a jumbo-sized pack of colored markers in one hand and an art pad in the other, grinning evilly.
Don't you do it, Haruhi! Nagato isn't here this time! For the love of God, somebody stop her!
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
The next day Haruhi said only one thing to me all day.
As we passed each other on the way home for the day, she said, "Thank you for trusting me."
At least, I think I heard her say it. But it was such a non-Haruhi thing to do, I must have been hearing things.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
It was the last day before Golden Week.
Haruhi was late to class, and when she arrived she didn't bother sitting down. She strode over to me, grabbed my wrist, and hauled me out of the classroom into the hallway, right there in front of everyone else. The teacher didn't notice, since she was calling on us to read passages at random from our books while keeping her eyes on the laptop she had on her desk. Couldn't she quit farming for gold and do the job she's paid for?
In the hallway, Haruhi said, "I finished Disappearance late last night, Kyon. I have just two things to say to you."
Fine, say them so we can stop disrupting classes.
"First, from now on you can tell Nagato's boss that you don't need to use the name John Smith anymore. Nagato is part of the SOS Brigade, and nobody's taking her away from us, ever."
Fine, whatever. And the other thing?
"YOU IDIOT!"
Her shout cracked down the hallway, and instantly every classroom door popped open, including our own, and dozens of heads poked out to see what was going on.
"What kind of idiot gets what he's been asking for for most of a year and throws it away like that? If I'd been moaning to myself about how useless Kyon was and woke up in a world where Kyon was a smart, go-getter, take-charge guy, I wouldn't push a button and put everything back the way it was!"
Whatever. I knew there was no use explaining it to Haruhi. She'd have to live through the circumstances herself to understand. I'm pretty sure if she did drop into a world where I acted like a male version of her, she'd move heaven and earth to get the real me back just to save her own sanity.
"That's all! Now let's never talk about this again!"
We probably would have avoided detention, despite it all, if a Level 75 barbarian hadn't come along and PK'd Miss Kuroi just before we got into our seats.
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
"So, did you read the other books over Golden Week?" I asked.
"Of course."
"Planning on giving them back anytime soon?"
"You told me everything resets when time resets. We can't keep ordinary possessions, no matter how interesting. So quit complaining!"
That would be no, then.
"So," I asked, "any comments on what you read?"
"If I ever meet Mikuru's older self I'm going to tell her off!" Haruhi said. "'Established information,' my ass! If people can travel in time, then they can change stable time loops to make them less cruel! It's not right to make Mikuru cry like that!"
Except when you do it, I didn't say.
Haruhi glared at me and said, "Have you noticed that, when you think something but don't say it, sometimes I hear it? Do you think that's my power at work?"
Er...
"I thought so." Thankfully Haruhi changed subjects. "I don't know why you make such a big deal about that computer game. It's not my fault you can't understand my tactical genius!"
I see the emergency aid supplies of denial and arrogance have arrived from the United States and air-dropped into your skull.
"You're thinking loud again, Kyon."
"Fine," I said aloud. "Any coments about the skiing trip?"
"None."
Of course not. You don't want to admit-
"Learn to whisper in your head, Kyon."
Arrrgh! "I'm just going to study, then. You can take notes from what's in my head."
"One more thing." Haruhi looked away from me for a moment, taking a deep breath. Then she locked her eyes on me and unleashed a stampede of words, all rushing to escape captivity and stumbling over one another in the process.
"I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about spending time with Mikuru when it was all about making sure her timeline stayed intact because I know that's really important for a time traveler but don't think that means anything special understand?"
Is Konata around with a recording device? I don't care about the reset, I want evidence of this moment even if it-
"Never mind, Kyon. You're hopeless at mental whispering. I'm just going to have to learn to tune you out. I am the god here, after all."
Whatever, Your Holiness.
"I heard that."
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
"WHAT IS THIS?"
"Oooh, is that the new novel?" Konata gazed in wonder at the book Haruhi was waving in my face.
"This isn't a full story! It ends halfway through! What kind of a ripoff is this? And what's with these alphas and betas everywhere?"
I took the book from Haruhi and thumbed straight to the back. "Oh," I said. "Split timelines. A clever trick you pulled. Don't you remember, now that you know about the other stuff?"
"No," Haruhi said, shaking her head in frustration. "I remember Yasumi, but I don't remember this business about Nagato being sick! Every time I think about it too hard I get a headache."
"Probably your subconscious telling you you're not ready for it, then," I said. "In which case, better I not tell you."
"You mean you're going to make me wait for a book, when you've lived through it?"
"Look at the bright side," Konata said. "The most you'll have to wait is a year to find out, right?"
Haruhi frowned. Obviously she wanted it now. "Why can't I just make the book appear now, then?" she asked. "Can't I just will it to be written?"
"Sounds like you'll have time to practice those powers, then," I said. "Maybe you could start small. Like a UFO catcher doll of yourself for Konata here."
"Oooh, could you?" Konata smiled. "Make it the one in your winter school uniform. I've already got all the others!"
⭐ Lucky Star ⭐
That kept Haruhi off my back for a good month, until she finally figured out how to make the doll appear in her bag one day.
As for the book, the Loop ended three years later, with no release date announced for the tenth book. Haruhi did get to see the first chapter in a magazine just before the end, though.
I imagine she would have been furious about it... if other events hadn't intervened.
5.1 – Stars and Spirals
5.2 – Team Anglerfish just got one hell of an upgrade.
5.3 – Just two best frenemies having a night out on the town.
5.4 – Life-Fiber Override: Kamui Master Hand!
5.5 – Otaku Queen meets S.O.S Goddess. Even when not Awake, Konata is ultra savvy.