I approach Pinkie Pie's house: also known as Sugarcube Corner.

I don't even bother knocking on the door, I just burst through their pathetic-ass gingerbread walls.

I march towards Ms. Cake, who is staring at me like I just punched Mr. Cake in the fucking face.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PONK," I growl at her.

"Why she's upstairs, sir!"

As I begin to march upstairs I fall through a trap door and down a slide.

I rub my head in pain, even though I didn't hit my head. In front of me is a silhouette, a pink one.

It's Pinkie Pie.

"So Twilight told me you came here to fuck me," she said smugly, still standing in the shadows like this somehow made her more menacing.

I stand up proud, putting my chest out to look tough.

"I have indeed come to fuck you."

"Well in order to do that you gotta go through THIS!"

Out of the shadows come a shitload of cupcakes just flying my fucking direction, and I try to dodge them but holy fuck are there a lot. I crawl up the slide that leads upstairs, getting hit by so many cupcakes.

As I open the trap door I get hit in the face with a pan by Ms. Cake. I karate chop her heel, making her trip, giving me time to lift the rest of my body out of the floor. I wipe my bloody nose and turn to see Mr. Cake standing at the door, holding a wooden spoon in his mouth, ready to fight.

Before I can run towards him Ms. Cake bites my calf. I scream in pain and fall onto the countertop. Mr. Cake aggressively throws his head back and forth, using the spoon in his mouth to spank my bare ass repeatedly, and hard. I loudly grunt in pain with each hit, and Ms. Cake is cheering him on.

Unable to take it anymore, I swing around and punch Mr. Cake in the fucking face.

AND MS. CAKE GIVES ME THE SAME EXACT LOOK SHE GAVE ME WHEN I ENTERED THE BUILDING, I PUNCH HER TOO

I kick both of them when they're down until puddles of blood pool under their bodies.

Then Pinkie Pie jumps onto my back and grapples me. I'm struggling to support her weight, I aggressively slam my back on the walls and furniture to try and get her to get off my back, but the pink fucker is holding on tight!

Walls are destroyed, items are knocked off shelves, which in turn topple over, it's just a pain in the ass, Twilight's a piece of shit telling me this thing would be an easy fuck.

Pinkie drops me to the floor and begins stomping on my chest over and over, knocking the wind out of me.

As I see the light, I realize I'm not ready to die.

I have seven ponies to fuck.

All of a sudden, I gain the strength to punch Pinkie, making her fly through the ceiling.

I'm up and standing strong, the song "Pink" by Boris playing from some random place around us.

"You underestimate my power, Pinkie Pie," I say, pointing at the sky, where she's still falling from.

After she hits the ground, she lifts her pained head, and I kick it like a soccer ball, making her flip into a wall.

She stumbles onto her hooves, and says, "yes, but I'm not going down without a fight. I prefer to do this PINKIE PIE STYLE!"

Our fight soundtrack escalates as we punch eachother so fast Pinkie involuntarily triggers us into her hammerspace, where we're floating, portals to other places around Equestria surrounding us. The faster we consecutively punch and block punches the more our surroundings become pink, and a ball forms between us, rapidly growing. I shove it towards Pinkie, but she kicks it right back at me!

I dodge, the ball flying through a portal and vaporizing a tree.

Holy shit! I wonder if I can make another one!

I try again with Pinkie and we both punch and block until another ball forms, but before I can punch it she kicks me in the nads and shoves the ball into my stomach, making it explode.

She transports us back into Sugarcube Corner, laughing at my curled up body.

"Looks like you weren't able to pass my test," she says, looking down at me.

"Now you'll never fuck my friend."

As she gets close I uncurl my body and release the energy from the ball at her, causing her to burst to energetic flames of pure plasma.

As she's burning I deliver one last finishing hit: a cupcake to her face.

The building we're in explodes, and we're the only ones, left, Pinkie Pie injured from her burns, coughing at the smoke.

"*cough* You're stronger than I *cough* expected!"

Indeed I am. I help her up and brush the soot of her body.

"You *cough* can fuck me and check me off your list."

And so we fuck, right there. Right in the middle of a burnt black splatter that was Sugarcube Corner. Boo ya.

After we finish, I pull a balloon out my ass she pegged me with at one point, shaped like a dick, licked it clean, and set it aside a sleeping Pinkie. I simply walked away, towards Sweet Apple Acres.

TO BE CONTINUED

End Credits Song: Flaming Lips-Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon