Author Note: This chapter was heavily inspired by one of my favorite Janet Jackson songs 'With U.' I highly recommend listening to it before reading the chapter.
The Shoot
The Romance part one: Just crushin' With U
2017
Danai sat in her luxurious hotel in downtown D.C. It was the first time in several months that she'd really used any of her savings to splurge on something that didn't have to do with her career, and it made her feel good. He made her feel good, but that was another thing altogether. Over the past couple of months, she'd wondered where he stood with him, seeing as he had vacationed with his wife, and seemed happy enough to pretend. And so, she'd been avoiding his calls and texts for the last few days. Call it self sabotage, call it whatever you want, but she wanted him to really reflect and show her that this meant something to him.
Around that same timeframe, she'd received the first batch of flowers. They were her absolute favorite flowers: gloriosa superba, or flame lilies as they were called. Her mother Josephine had called them fire flowers, and adorned her hair with them as a child, saying that they reminded her of Danai. "You're so strong, my precious baby girl, and your fire is in perfect harmony with your beauty."
She stared at those flowers, memories flowing through her like a multi-colored mirage. She'd only told Andy about these flowers once, and that was nearly three years ago. How he remember, she didn't know, but staring at the vibrant varella and ember tips, the wildly exotic flower was rare. It was the flower of her country, the flower of her being.
When she picked the flowers up to sniff them, a note slipped out, and fell onto her lap. At that moment, she remembers her heart nearly falling into her stomach, the anxiety crippling her.
The note was simply engraved: To my love, from A.C. She knew who it was, and debated on whether or not to open it, finally giving up, ripping the note open with zeal and wild abandon. She craved his words like she craved water to drink, and food to eat; the feeling unnerved her, but she allowed herself to feel it.
Danai,
I'm sorry. I'm desperate to talk to you, and I don't want to be presumptuous, but I'd really like it if you wanted to speak with me too. I'll cut to the chase really quickly: I love you. I'm in love with you, all sorts of love, and I'm desperate, absolutely desperate to make things right. I know that when we last spoke, you asked me if I was serious and I am. My wife and I separated several months ago, I broke it off with her. I've started telling my children, ever so gently. I'll do anything to be with you, to have you in my life, and not having you, well that fucking sucks. I don't want to do that, but I understand if you tell me no, that you can't do this anymore.
You told me about these flowers three years ago. Your eyes sparkled as you spoke of your homeland and your mother Josephine. She was right, the flame lily represents Danai - you. You're strong and so beautiful, you're everything right, you're the light.
I'm rambling now, so I'll stop.
Love, Andy
She closed the letter, and let the years drip from her eyes. She believed every word, however foolish that was, and let her body warm up from the top of her head to the tips of her feet, she let his words wash over her. She marinated in them, she contemplated them, she knew they were true, and she felt the same.
And, so she'd decided to enlist in the help of one of her closest friends: Lupita. Lupita knew about Andy, but only the important stuff, like the sex was amazing and he was married. Lupita had fooled around with a married man before, she'd gotten caught up, and so she understood what it was like and never judged her.
"Hey," Danai eked out, holding the flowers tenderly in her fingers, never letting them out of her sight. "I need to talk about -"
" - Let me guess - Andy?"
"Am I that predictable?" Danai questioned, she'd wondered when she became to girl who always talked about her guy troubles. She usually counseled others, she'd never received it.
"Yes," Lupita giggled. "What did he do now?"
Danai sucked in a deep breath. "He sent me my favorite flowers with a love note attached, saying he's desperate for me to talk to him."
"Whoa, I didn't know it was that serious, girl," Lupita gasped in awe.
"You think this means he's serious?"
Danai's chest tightened a bit, the hope bubbling up.
"He seems serious to me, I didn't ever get my favorite flowers and love notes," Lupita admitted. "Give me an example of what he wrote."
"I love you. I'm in love with you, all sorts of love, and I'm desperate, absolutely desperate to make things right," she imitated his rich British accent.
"Shit, girl, I'd marry him right now if I were you," Lupita said. "I mean, if you don't want him, I'll-"
A sudden knock at the door caused Danai to jolt upward, the phone dropping abruptly from her newly manicured hands. She could still hear Lupita's confused mutterings on the other side of the phone, but she no longer cared. It was like an electric rope connected her body and heart to whoever was on the other side of that door and she had a sudden need to be pulled towards them.
And so she went, her feet carrying her swiftly to the door, a smile spreading across her face against her will.
On the other side, he stood, looking dashing as ever in a simple black t-shirt and a smile that made her heart burst and jump all at once; before she knew it, she was in his arms, breathing in his musky scent, and breaking down in ways she never had before.
Cause when I'm in those arms of yours
I'm so gone
The things I like
Can't tell me it's not right
When I'm with you
I lose myself and no one
Can make me do
What I can't wait to do when I'm with you
"What are you doing here?" she asked, barely recognising her own voice.
"Did you get my letter?" he ignored her question with one of his own, pulling away slightly to peer into her eyes, his piercing blue eyes erasing every thought in her brain.
She gulped. "Yes."
"Is this what you want?" he questioned her, leaning in closer, pulling her so close to him that she felt they were one. "Am I?"
"Yes," she breathed out. "I -," she stopped herself, finding it hard to verbalize or express her feelings. "I feel the same way."
And then he smiled, brushing his soft lips against her own, which made her body light up like New Year's Day, the fireworks crackling on every pore of her skin.
2015
"Shingai!" Danai gleefully greeted her older sister over the phone, she hadn't heard from her in weeks, and talking to her older sister was probably the highlight of her weeks. "Where have you been!?"
"Where have I been? Girl, where have you been? I feel like I only see you on covers of magazines these days!" Shingai playfully scolded her, which caused them both to laugh.
Danai revelled in the sudden silence in the call, knowing that once her sister dug her teeth into the true purpose of the call, she'd have to explain herself, which wasn't exactly what she wanted to do, but her eldest sister was the only person who she could think of to call. Her older brother Tare was too nosey, and was the typical overly protective older brother type; Choni, as lovely as she was, psychoanalyzed everything, which made Danai feel like an unwilling patient every phone call. She'd dealt with enough of those types in college, even though she loved her sister to death.
'Danai,' she'd say, in the sweetest, gentlest voice, 'Maybe you have commitment issues and that's what you're seeking out unavailable men.' And she'd think, no, I'm seeking him out because he's irresistible and handsome and she couldn't help but take in some of his advances. They made her heart flutter, her palms sweat, and the hair of her arms stand erect like a teenager before a huge presentation and she desperately wanting it to stop. She'd hoped it would, after years, but it only grew worse, and now, she sat in her trailer studying her IPad.
Rick and Michonne kiss.
Rick and Michonne kiss.
Rick and Michonne kiss.
She read the words over and over, not really believing them herself. This couldn't be happening. She'd tried really hard over the years to shield her heart from his advances, not because she didn't want them, but because she did.
" - Dede!" her sister cut through her anxious thoughts. "Did you hear me?"
Danai shook her head. "No, I - I just lost my train of thought…"
"About what? Are you working too hard again?"
"No, I just," Danai paused, unsure of how to broach this subject. Nobody knew anything about how Danai truly felt about Andy, not even Andy himself knew that he kept her up at night, but those things she kept locked up in a box to protect her heart from anyone that might break it. "I - there's this guy I work with -"
"Andy," her sister supplied knowingly.
"How did you -"
" - know? Sisi, I'm not blind and that is one fine white man," her sister answered.
"You can't tell anyone, not even mom, okay?" Danai told her. "I'm serious."
"Fine, I won't tell anyone, but you must promise me the whole truth or I'll know you're lying," her sister said, and Danai knew she was right.
Ever since they were young girls, Danai and Shingai told each other absolutely everything, despite the fact that Shingai was nearly eight years older, and the eldest Gurira child. Unlike her younger siblings, Shingai led a less traditional life, opting not to pursue an academic based career, but an artistically based one, much like Danai. That was the first thing that Danai had confided in her older sister: her acting.
A young nineteen year old Danai called her sister at nearly four in the morning, saying that she'd realized on a school trip abroad to South Africa, that her calling wasn't what she thought it was. But, Danai, intent on making her staunchly academic parents proud, had insisted on attending the prestigious school in the Midwest, much like her parents, choosing a psychology based career, much like her sister Choni. The call for acting was too strong, and so, she'd wound up going to graduate school for acting, which proved to be a controversial decision.
"I think that I may be crushing on a married man," she finally forced out. "Andy's married, by the way."
"Girl, I know, I googled that fine specimen of a man!" Chingai told her.
"Then you know it's wrong of me to even be around him. Our friendship is completely inappropriate, but I like it. The flirting, the tension, the way he makes me feel," she paused, it felt too good to admit this. "It isn't right."
"But you haven't crossed any lines that I can see," Shingai said.
"We haven't, but we're supposed to kiss and I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm scared," she admitted.
Her voice was small, the smallest it'd been since she was just a little girl. She didn't know why she was so afraid of a simple kiss; she'd kissed so many guys in the name of acting that she'd lost count, but this was different. It would change things forever, and she wasn't sure if she wanted that.
She liked her friendship with Andy. He was fun, he was kind, he was exceptionally weird, just like she was, and she found herself loving talking him. Andy was the only person who got her nerdy side, the side that she kept hidden from most people. It was the side that snorted while she laughed, and enjoyed watching cartoons in the morning while eating inappropriate foods.
It was the loud, boisterous Danai of her youth; the girl who like danced at parties and drank until she fell in potted plants. It was apart of her that was secret, apart of her that was sacred.
Danai realized that she cherished Andy, and that is why she kept their interactions close to her heart, and that is why those four words struck fear in the deep recesses of her heart. There was also something else that scared her, and that was her morality, the religious principles that she'd been taught growing up. The one's against tempestuous feelings of the flesh and body.
"In the Bible, God tested Eve by tempting her with the fruit, and when Eve ate it, she was punished," Danai continued on, her voice growing higher and higher in pitch. "Andy is like a dangling fruit right in front of me, Shingai!"
"I don't know. Yes, God tempted Eve, but Eve was human and therefore made a human mistake. Sometimes you forget that you are too, Danai. Now, I'm not encouraging you to bust the goods wide open for this man - as fine as he is - but, I am telling you, sister to sister, to go easy on yourself. God ain't judging you and neither will I," Shingai finished, and then chuckled. "As long as you take your ass to church and pray this Sunday!"
Danai busted out into loud, boisterous giggles. This was why she talked with Shingai. "I will, sisi. See you at Christmas?"
"You better!" her sister responded, before hanging up.
Once Danai was off the phone, she looked at her watch, knowing that it was time to head to the make-up trailer and prepare for the day's filming, but she really didn't want to. For the first time in her career, she was tempted to be late for work, or feign some sort of illness and get the fuck outta dodge, but then again, she knew that they wouldn't believe her. She wasn't the best liar.
Danai sat in her trailer for a little while longer, the words on her IPad beginning to blur. It wasn't until a knock on her trailer door did she reluctantly get up.
"Hey!" came Lauren's bubbly voice. She stood outside the trailer with two cups of coffee and her usually bright smile. "I come bearing gifts. Andy bought it for everyone."
"Of course he did," Danai mumbled to herself.
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing, I just said, that's wonderful that he did that!" Danai covered quickly, cringing at how obvious she must seem.
"Did something happen between you and Andy? You're acting a little weird," Lauren questioned.
And then she eyed Danai suspiciously, her green eyes darting up and down.
"Is anything going on between Andy and I? Oh no, nothing at all!" Danai forced out, and then continued when Lauren stared at her, unconvinced. "I mean it. We're just as good as we've always been."
Lauren continued to stare, but knew better than to press Danai for information regarding the two friend's inappropriate relationship. And so, Lauren continued on with another conversation, figuring that maybe she was reading too much into things.
"Are you coming to the makeup trailer? Andy was asking about you," Lauren diverted.
Danai shifted uncomfortably, not even understanding why she was feeling so off and weird ever since she'd read about the kiss. The thought of kissing him made her stomach feel like it had tiny butterflies fluttering about, her palms sweat, and her heart race, which hadn't happened since her college crushes on cute boys.
Andy is cute l, so damn cute. Those eyes are so pretty, and those arms are -
" - Danai, hey, girl!" Sonequa's friendly voice invaded her thoughts.
What was that? She wondered to herself. Sure, she found Andy attractive and quote a few times she'd sought him out above others, but that? She didn't know what was happening to her, but she blamed that stupid kiss and Scott Gimple. Yes, she thought to herself, this is all Scott's fault.
"Hey," she answered meekly.
"You got the coffee -"
" - Andy served," Danai cut her off swiftly. "Yeah, I did."
"What's up with y'all now?" Sonequa questioned them, slurping her tea, as she was pregnant with her little boy. "I'm too pregnant for this drama."
"I tried to get her to talk about that, but you know Danai," Lauren shrugged, slurping on her coffee.
"You never catch Danai slipping!" Sonequa agreed with a nod of her head.
"Hey! I'm right here!" Danai reminded her two friends, her two overly enthusiastic friends.
"We're just saying, Danai. You and Andy have a weird -"
"Friendship," Danai insisted. "Because that's what we are - friends!"
"Jeez , chill, girl. Okay, y'all are just best friends forever," Sonequa snickered.
"I'm sensing sarcasm," Danai rolled her eyes. "Anyways, we better get to make-up before Nicotero throws a fit, you know how he is about early calls, and I need to write a few more notes before my scene…"
"Mhmmm, okay," Sonequa said, as she walked ahead with Lauren, while Danai lingered, still trying to make sense of her scattered thoughts and racing heart.
"Danai, there you are," she heard his voice, and knew that after avoiding him all day, it was finally time to have the conversation with him. "I've been looking all over for you…"
"Well, you found me," she offered weakly.
She once again found herself in an awkward position with him, while simultaneously inviting him into her trailer. It'd become a regular thing, as their friendship grew and expanded after the awkwardness of last year. She'd even go as far as to call him one of her very best friends in the entire world, which was why these newfound feelings for him threw her off her game.
She'd gotten this far in her life, her career without publically faltering, but a pair of pretty blue eyes and an undeniable connection made her feel young and stupid again.
"What's the matter with you? Why are you not talking to me!?" he suddenly asked, the desperation in his voice catching her off guard. She saw him struggle to face her as he combed his hands through his curls. "I thought we were okay again, I thought we were friends, Danai. If I've done anything to -"
" - Andy, you haven't done anything," she told him, placing a comforting hand on his forearm.
"Then what is it?" he questioned her.
"Have you read the script?"
She saw his face crinkle up in confusion "What?"
"The new script for ten that Angela wrote," she went on.
"I've only read up to page 35," she saw him blush nervously. "I've been so busy. But from what I saw, it's pretty light and airy…"
And that's when she sighed, pulling out her iPad and handing it to him with an apprehension that he didn't recognize. "Go finish it, and then come back."
"Okay…," he trailed off, and then exited the trailer.
:
While she waited for him to come back, she once again pondered her relationship - friendship with Andy, and when she'd developed this yearning in her heart for him. It wasn't just his looks, which were obviously up to par with the handsome actors that she'd surrounded herself with, but his inside. It was who he was as a person that compelled her to be drawn to him against her will.
The first draw was when she'd watched him in her apartment for hours, studying every nuance of his performances, and feeling a deep yearning to simply be in the same artistic breathing space. And then it evolved to a mutual admiration of the craft, how he treated the crew, how he took care of everyone as if they were apart of his family.
The biggest battle she fought was her innate sense of freedom and her innate sense of morality. He was married, and she knew that his wife had a problem with her, and for the longest time she tried to not talk to him, to keep her distance, but she couldn't.
Strangely I feel a connection with you babe
Oddly enough I crave for it to remain purely
More authentic than I've been used to
She liked him, as more than a friend. She knew it. And that's when her trailer door busted open, as Andy screamed.
"Why didn't you tell me!?"
"I couldn't, I was freaking out!"
Both of them were screaming at one another, but those screams morphed into laughter as they realized how silly they were being. His arms wrapped around her, and she swore, she finally understood the phrase 'her heart skipped a beat,' because in that moment it did.
His bright smile consumed her; it was the only thing that mattered in the world, along with his strong arms.
Two Days Later
Danai slumped down onto the couch, her body feeling sweaty and heavy even though they hadn't even started the scene yet. Hell, Andy hadn't even arrived yet, so she wasn't sure why her body felt as though she were being hung upside down naked in front of her closest family and friends.
Over the past couple of days, they hadn't spoken much about what they were going to do. She'd tried to talk about it yesterday with Andy, but he'd insisted - more like convinced - her that they should wing the entire thing, and now here she was.
Her notes were empty, as question marks scattered the pages, as well as little doodle hearts. Her script was starting to resemble some of her binders in secondary school, which she wasn't sure was a good thing or not.
"Relax," she felt and heard Andy whisper in his Rick Grimes' drawl.
She immediately jumped up and punched him on the shoulder, for which he squealed like a little girl. "Don't scare me like that, Andy."
"I'm sorry! I was just trying to help you relax, I know this whole thing is rather nerve wracking," he said, but his eager smile went against his words.
"You don't seem that nervous," she said.
"That's because I'm not. Look at who I'm kissing verses who you're kissing," he shrugged.
"Andy, it's not that...," she trailed off. Her eyes darted to the crew setting up around her, and the loud noise that it had provided a shield for their private conversation. "Can I be honest with you for a second?"
He just nodded, grabbing her hand, and rubbing it.
"I don't want this to make things awkward between us, I don't want it to change things," she admitted, her dark eyes darted away, as the vulnerability took over.
"It won't," he promised. "I promise."
"Okay," she breathed out. "Okay."
:
With the final light set up, Danai and Andy took their places on the sofa, and as soon as the director called action, a flurry of events happened faster than the two could really remember. One moment, Danai felt apprehension and fear, the next moment a surge of memories took over her brain.
She remembers the years of their friendship; all the times he made her laugh and smile, the confused times, the times in which they talked about everything and nothing at all.
He moved his face closer, and so did she. They were so close now that she could see the freckles dotting his nose, and the wrinkles of life dotting his eyes. And then, finally, he pressed his lips into her own. That's when she felt it, the electricity, the magnetism, everything that had culminated and laid dormant over the last couple of years. The feeling was indescribable, as she could only relate it back to the first time she went skydiving with her sister in West Africa. She remembers feeling weightless, yet powerful, as her body floated in the air. She'd felt like she was flying, and now, she felt that same feeling.
The rest of the kiss was a blur, as she struggled to breathe and think and carry on her life as if it didn't happen. All she knew was her five senses: he tasted good, his lips felt soft and plush against her own, he smelled so fucking nice, he looked amazing, and the moans and gasps she heard surely told her everything she needed to know. As the kiss went on, she felt his tongue slip in between her lips, for which she eagerly met until she could no longer.
Before she knew it, he was in between her legs, he was cursing, and she was giggling. How she'd gotten on her back, she didn't know, but the strength of it made her feel more than a tingle.
And then it was over, but all she felt was confusion, because surely, they couldn't be the same after this. But it did, it had, and so, when they'd wrapped the episode, she once again found herself sitting on a trailer couch, only this time, it was his.
"Sorry for the mess," he apologized, handing her some fresh cold water. "Fucking Norman keeps putting his sex toys and oddities in here…"
"It's okay," she mumbled.
Andy narrowed his eyes. "You okay? You're not talking…"
"Is my tell when I'm quiet?" she snapped.
"Yes, you never stop talking, Danai, except when you're mad at me, or when you're upset," Andy pointed out.
"That's true," she sighed. "Did the kiss - did it make you feel funny too?"
"No," Andy said quickly, too quickly.
"Oh," she answered, dejected.
"I already knew somewhat what I felt before I kissed you, all it did was make that clearer," he explained. "I've felt this way for awhile now."
"I don't think this is -"
" - Appropriate? Right? We've yet to do anything wrong," he said.
"This is normal. It's normal for us to develop feelings because we kissed each other and it felt really, really good -"
" - That good, huh?"
Danai just frowned at him.
"Andy, you're not helping," Danai scolded him, and then proceeded to pace around the trailer.
"I'm only stating facts, and I'd be a liar if I said that I didn't enjoy it," he said with a cheeky smile.
"It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it's that I want to still be your friend, and that's not exactly possible."
Andy frowned, immediately moving to stand in front of her. "We can still be friends, we've talked about this before. I already told you that I don't like it when we don't talk."
"We still can be, but I think we should keep a professional distance in public while I sort through this," she told him. "You're still my best bud though, even if you can be annoyingly charming," she ruffled his curls.
:
20 Minutes Later
Danai searched and searched for her binder filled with notes, but her search turned up empty. She checked the lunch area, she checked the seating area, she checked underneath the couch cushions, but turned up empty. She asked all of the crew members, cast - even Norman - but, she still couldn't find that damn binder.
"Looking for this?" asked Andy, with a triumphant grin on his face.
She snatched it from him. "Those are my personal notes!"
"I was just looking through them, and they're wonderful," Andy gushed. "Although, all the hearts around my name was a tad extreme, Gurira."
"Fuck you," she said to him, but inside, her heart was still fluttering.
"Gladly," he winked, and joined her as they carried on waking.
To an outsider, it would look like two friends carrying on, but they knew the truth.