Chapter 2: Lee thought what?

Amanda's "What?" came through the static of the phone line and the background noise of the parking lot like she was talking through a bullhorn at him as he hung up the phone without giving her a response. He had heard the pure disbelief in her voice at what he had just said to her as loud and clear as if she were standing right next to him.

"What was I thinking, just blurting it out like that?" Lee reprimanded himself. What he was thinking, he realized, was that he just wasn't sure how this last card was going to play out. He had put her through so much, pushed her away at every opportunity, and he wanted her to know the truth. No more hiding or denying. Heck, he thought, she deserved to know even if he couldn't tell her the way he had always dreamed about. She had every right to know. "What? No," he thought again. This time she had a need to know.

But now, he knew had to put all his focus and concentration on playing out this last card he was holding. With a determined and measured walk, he entered the cold blast of air of the store. If he was able to walk away from this one, he planned on going straight back to Amanda's to tell her he loved her - like he should have a long time ago.

Escaping out the back door of the grocery store, Lee cursed himself for underestimating his opponent. With his years of experience and training, he should have known Alexi would be following Sonja. Lee did not give himself the opportunity or luxury to be grateful for now having a second chance to nail Alexi. Instead, he just blindly ran as far and as fast as he could to escape capture by the other agents with no destination or purpose in mind.

Finally slowing to catch his breath, one word finally made it through his red anger, "What?" His thoughts turned immediately to Amanda. He felt his anger subsiding and his ragged breathing evening out. He shook his head chuckling to himself about how many times he had said "What?" to Amanda after one of her rambling explanations. Thinking more clearly now, he remembered all the times he had started a question to her with that word. He actually felt the grin spread across his face as he remembered his very first; "What are you wearing?" It was in the heat of the moment. She had caught him off guard with her flippant response of, "What do you care?" He just couldn't believe it was some den mother saving his butt as she tried to control that helicopter. He marveled at how many times over the years he had said to himself, "What did I do now?" after she would give him one of her patented eye rolls. He knew he couldn't hide from her that look of bewilderment that probably went across his face in those moments. When they got into one of their arguments, which usually he had no clue of how it had even started in the first place, he knew he had asked her something like, "I said what?" because he honestly did not know what he had said. This time it was Amanda asking him directly "What?" and he knew he had a simple three-word answer if only he could tell her.

But instead, that simple four letter question word had him asking himself, "What if she had been there backing me up like she always does even when I tell her to stay in the car? What if she could have helped me capture both Sonja and Alexi just now?" Then, he could have been answering that one question for her in person. He was starting to doubt his decision not to tell her his plan for her own protection. Before he could answer those rhetorical questions, more questions started descending on him, "What if she had been there and Alexi had somehow managed to capture her? What if that had made the situation worse?"

Having no answers to these hypothetical questions either, more questions came at him, "What if Amanda had actually followed my directions this time? Then, she would be at home with her family," he reasoned. He remembered Amanda telling him how she would escape the chaos of her household by going to her room. "What if she is there now? This could be the only chance I have left to tell her. To make her believe." The next troubling question pierced his brain, "What am I going to say to make her believe the words are real?" He began going through little speeches in his head like some teenage boy practicing in the mirror asking his crush out on a first date.

Lee found himself in his usual hiding spot in the bushes outside of Amanda's kitchen window. Seeing that Dotty and the boys were deep in cookie dough, he decided the front door was a safe bet. Wanting to avoid another altercation with a window, he quickly picked the lock and headed upstairs. The smells of baking now assaulted his senses making him realize just how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten since yesterday. Momentarily the thought crossed his mind to actually turn himself in for just one of those scrumptious smelling chocolate chip cookies.

Reaching Amanda's room, he laid down to wait for her. Her smell lingered on her sheets replacing that of the baking cookies. The soft pastel colors mixing with her scent had him closing his eyes as he finally felt he could relax. He realized he had only been in Amanda's room one other time, the night he climbed up the trellis to tell her to stop seeing Alan Chamberlain. He remembered the warm glow of her bedside lamp, combined with the feeling of secrecy and intimacy that enveloped them like a blanket as they had settled themselves on her bed to talk about her evening. "It's a deal," he'd reluctantly agreed making her promise to leave at the first sign of trouble. He had still been thinking it was a bad idea as they shook on their plan for the next day.

In that very moment, it felt like lightning had struck him. He was caught off guard in that slightest of touches. He just couldn't pull his eyes off her for what seemed like an eternity although it was only a matter of seconds. He had held her hand for longer than necessary. When he had let it go, he did so slowly, feeling the warmth of her palm and fingers under his. He hadn't wanted to lose that. As he'd slipped his hands away from hers, he could have sworn he felt a spark of residual electricity flash between their fingertips. He actually took a moment to glance at his hand, half expecting to find burn marks there. He had let her go unwillingly, wanting at that moment to simply pull her in for the briefest of kisses just to feel her soft lips on his. He had watched as, feeling self-conscious under his stare, she had pulled her pale pink nightgown closed at her neck. He had chuckled at her holding him back from leaving until she had turned out the light. He had always wondered if it was really for the neighbor's benefit, her sleeping family, or for her own modesty. For his part, it wouldn't have mattered if she had been wearing a black and red flannel plaid nightgown. He still would have found her brave and beautiful and alluring, and yes, even a bit mysterious. He had had to force himself to let her go that night.

The sound of her question began resonating again in his head. He resigned himself to the knowledge he had to let her go again. He knew he couldn't take her with him. He couldn't protect her where he was going. She could lose her family. He couldn't ask that of her. He wouldn't even be able to tell her how long he'd be gone. "What if it is for good this time?" the question flashed through his mind. "Well," he concluded, "One thing was going to be different; she will know how much I love her."

He was startled from his thoughts by the sound of the doorknob turning and that soft beloved familiar voice that made his heart sing: "Gosh! Lee!"

Amanda.