England's plans to make Naruto his new little brother seem to be going off without a hitch, until he finds out that Naruto and Sasuke can't stand each other.
It's very worrying.
He decides that he needs to do something now, and organises a quick meet-up (which basically consists of him cheerfully dragging Sasuke to Naruto's apartment, and announcing that the three of them were now brothers).
"But nii-san!" Sasuke complains. "I don't want the him to be my brother!"
Naruto scowls. "Yeah, well, like I want you."
"Naruto is our new little brother," England says firmly. Because the boy likes scones (and reminds him of America, a treacherous part of his mind whispers), and there's no way England is saying no to that.
Sasuke pouts, and England resists the urge to squish his cheeks together. He really is too adorable.
"But — you can't just make someone your brother!"
"Of course you can," England argues. Naruto is starting to look a bit despondent, and he can't have that. "You see — let me tell you a story."
Sasuke and Naruto sit down on the floor, cross-legged. England sits down in front of them.
"A man once found a little boy in a field. He decided to make that boy his little brother."
"…And?" Sasuke ventures, his brow furrowed.
"And nothing. That's the end of the story." England smiles. "You see — anyone can be your little brother or sister! Although, make sure you choose very wisely, or that little sibling will betray you, and declare war on you. And then they will write you horrid letters. And throw all your tea in a harbour."
Naruto and Sasuke look horrified.
"We'd never do that to you, Itachi-nii!" Naruto cries. Sasuke nods fervently.
England fights the urge to squeal, because honestly, they are just too cute. Had America ever been this way? England was sure he had, once upon a time, which made the memories of that blasted revolution all the more painful.
Well. He has a new life here, and a new brother (two brothers now), so there was no point in dwelling on the past.
"This is really like claiming a new colony…" He murmurs, and doesn't realise he's spoken aloud until Sasuke interrupts him with a confused, "nii-san, what's a colony?"
England hums thoughtfully. "Hmm…well…colonies are all the little brothers and sisters you adopt." Well. Close enough. After all, his colonies had been like younger siblings to him. Ignore the politics, wars, and the fact that they were anthropomorphic masses of land, and his explanation fit perfectly.
Naruto's expression lights up. "So I'm your colony?"
England giggles.
(Sasuke and Naruto exchange exasperated glances, and think, 'Itachi-nii is being weird again.' Oh well. He's still the best brother ever in their opinion, weird quirks and all).
...
Sakura somehow becomes the next 'colony', and it's all thanks to Naruto.
It starts like this: Sasuke and Naruto find Sakura crying in the park. Naruto decides to approach, because this is Sakura-chan and he likes Sakura-chan.
Sasuke tries to drag him away, because this is Sakura, and he does not like Sakura.
Sakura is a fangirl. Fangirls are scary. That's what Sasuke believes, and Itachi-nii has told him the same thing, so it must be true (Itachi-nii also tells him to stay away from frogs, but Sasuke's still not too sure why).
"She's crying, teme!" Naruto whispers. "You're not supposed to just let girls cry!"
"She's a fangirl!" Sasuke argues.
(In the end they do approach her, because Naruto ignores all of Sasuke's protests, and Sasuke doesn't like being ignored).
It takes a lot badgering on Naruto's part (Sakura does not like Naruto very much. Naruto is oblivious to this fact), until Sakura realises that Sasuke is standing with Naruto, and then her fangirl senses go off, and she's too busy frantically wiping the tears off her cheeks to keep glaring at Naruto.
It turns out some kids had been teasing her because of her civilian background. Apparently all good shinobi come from clans.
Sasuke honestly thinks it's a silly thing to cry over, but Sakura has finally stopped crying, so he keeps his mouth shut.
A few moments later he regrets this decision, because Naruto is declaring that Sakura can join the Uchiha clan if she likes, and Sasuke thinks, 'oh god no.'
"No she can't!" he hisses, not even caring if Sakura can hear. "She can't just join my clan!"
"Why not?" Naruto says, seeming genuinely confused. "She can just become a colony like me!"
Sakura's brow furrows in confusion. "A colony?"
"Yeah!" Naruto nods enthusiastically. "Itachi-nii says you can have as many little brothers and sisters as you want that way! So we'll just go to and ask Itachi-nii to make you a colony too, and then those kids can't make fun of you anymore! Believe it!"
Sakura beams. Sasuke internally wails.
...
Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura head to Sasuke's house the next day. Sasuke had told Itachi about Sakura (because if he didn't, he knew that Naruto would, and there was no way he was letting the dobe take the credit for anything), and Itachi had told him to invite her over.
Sasuke silently resigned himself to the fact that there was no way out of this, especially since his brother, being the kind, amazing person he was, wouldn't abandon anyone, even if it was a creepy fangirl.
The first thing Itachi says when he sees Sakura is, "do you like scones?"
"What's a…scone?" Sakura asks, her brow furrowing.
Itachi disappears into the house, because, of course, he's prepared some ahead of time. As soon as he's gone, Sasuke turns to Sakura, his eyes wide in alarm. He might think she's weird and annoying, but Itachi's scones are dangerous (except to Naruto, for some reason), and he doesn't want her dead.
"When he gives you the scone," he says, urgently, "I'll distract him, and you throw it in that bush."
"What?" Sakura looks confused. "Why?"
"Because they're deadly."
Sakura pales. "What?! B-but why does he want to kill me?"
"He doesn't," Sasuke replies. "Itachi-nii's too nice to do that. He just doesn't know. My cousin Shisui even had to go to the hospital once."
(Shisui still doesn't know how to get rid of the scones without Itachi noticing. Sasuke supposes he couldn't blame him too much, because maybe if Kaa-san hadn't been training him since he'd been old enough to know what a scone was, he'd be just as bad).
"I like them," Naruto interjects, while Sakura pales in horror.
...
Their plan goes off without a hitch.
Sasuke watches as Itachi hands Sakura a scone, and then he makes his move.
"Nii-san! Look, it's Flying Mint Bunny!" He points in the opposite direction. Sasuke has long since resigned himself to the fact that his nii-san can be very weird, and that he sometimes sees things that aren't there (mostly, it's just Flying Mint Bunny. Tou-san gets a funny look on his face whenever Itachi mentions him).
It doesn't mean his nii-san isn't still amazing though.
Itachi's eyes widen, and he turns around. Sakura throws the scone (Sasuke is almost impressed by how fast she moves. If she ever stops being a weird fangirl, maybe he'll ask her if she wants to do some kunai training sometime), and Naruto shoots it a mournful glance.
Itachi turns back, and laughs. "I can't believe I forgot - Flying Mint Bunny is taking a quick trip outside of Konoha for a few days. He wants to do some sight-seeing."
Yeah, Sasuke's brother is really weird sometimes.
Itachi glances at Sakura, and his eyes widen. "Oh my, you finished your scone already!"
"It was delicious," Sakura lies.
Itachi makes a weird squeaking noise.
"Am I a colony yet?" Sakura demands, apparently forgetting that she is in the presence of her crush, and her crush's big brother.
Itachi squeaks again, Naruto yells "believe it!", and Sasuke sighs.
…
AN:
So basically, if it's in England's POV I'll refer to him as 'England' and if it's in someone else's POV I'll refer to him as 'Itachi' (most of this chapter was in Sasuke's pov, so he was referred to as "Itachi" throughout a lot of it. Because Sasuke, obviously, wouldn't know about England).
But anyway, hope you enjoy this, and tell me what you think :) This chap was a lot longer than what I'd initially planned haha…and more like an actual chapter, than a set of smaller drabbles.
Oh and also, someone asked if I'm planning on having other Hetalia characters in this - I'm not planning on having any in the main story, but I did want to have a few chapters that weren't actually part of the main story where this happens.
And before I end this authors note before it drags on for way too long - what sort of things would you guys like to see in this fic?