AU - The Uchiha Massacre

The day England finds out about the planned Uchiha massacre, he proceeds to get very, very drunk.

It occurs to him that if he goes through with this, Sasuke is going to despise him. Suddenly, America's face is superimposed over Sasuke's, and all he can hear is Sasuke/America screaming, "you aren't my brother anymore!"

No. After all the time and effort it had taken to be the best big brother ever, he is not going to let this ruin everything.

Fugaku finds him about half an hour later, and is instantly met with flashbacks of annoying, drunk six year olds.

He is not amused.

"What are you doing?!" Fugaku barks.

"They're all assholes," England slurs. He's at the stage where it's become very hard to understand him, and considering it's only been half an hour since he'd started, it's not a good sign. "I'm…not doing it. My little brother…he's not…I won't let him hate me! You hear me? I love him…and that's the one thing I'm certain about."

(Fugaku would have found this cute, if he wasn't too busy thinking, 'oh dear god, our clan's future rests on HIS shoulders').

"I don't…think I'm certain about many things. Like…I still don't know if I'm Protestant…or Catholic. How…how do I still not know? Or…what makes Flying Mint Bunny 'mint'? He just looks green to me…should he be Flying Green Bunny instead? Is he as confused as I am? Because I…oh god, I'm not even English anymore, am I? Fugaku…what am I?"

Fugaku stares, open-mouthed.

"…Oh wait, I'm supposed to call you 'Father' aren't I? Sorry about that, but…am I England? Am I Itachi? And how can I hate this life when I'm just so…damn…attractive!"

"…That's it!" Fugaku roars. "Control yourself! You are our pipeline to the village — "

"B-but I don't want to be!" England wails. "I just want to be a big brother!"

He then proceeds to throw up on his father's shoes.

(Fugaku decides he needs to contact the elders and tell them something is very wrong).

...

It goes like this:

For a while, England agrees to spy on his family. He doesn't exactly agree with their plans for a coup, and he's getting a bit sick of Fugaku calling him the clans 'pipeline to the village'. He likes the idea that he's annoying the man.

Then Shisui dies, and England is very unhappy about that. He liked Shisui. Shisui was his chance at having a non-perverted big brother figure, and now he was dead. Because that bloody idiot Danzo ripped his eye out of his socket.

Clearly there is something very wrong with the man. England's belief of this is only doubled when Danzo proposes that he massacre his own clan.

"What?" England manages, wondering if he heard wrong.

"You will kill your clan," Danzo says, with a disturbing amount of calm, given the current topic. "The Uchiha are too dangerous to be left alive — their plans for a coup only proves this. They must be dealt with."

England swallows. "But…can't you just…arrest the people who are involved in the coup? I am happy to provide you with a list."

"No," Danzo says.

"But…don't they deserve fair trials? You can't just…kill everyone. Has the Hokage agreed to this?"

Danzo doesn't reply for a moment, and when he does, he completely ignores England's question. That should tell him enough.

"The Uchiha are too dangerous," Danzo says, because apparently he has a very one-track mind. "They must be dealt with."

England thinks of Sasuke, and then thinks, 'oh hell no.'

...

England briefly considers aiding his family, because, sure, he didn't exactly agree with them, but what Danzo is proposing — genocide — is not something he's going to go along with. But…he really didn't want to. And besides, what were the chances of them succeeded against the entire village? They'd probably just die anyway.

In the end, he decides there's only one thing he really cares about — Sasuke. This family is nice enough, he supposes. Fugaku is kind of annoying, but Mikoto is a lovely lady, and a suitable mother. But these won't be the first losses he's experienced, and in the end, protecting Sasuke is what really matters.

The village is also nice, but…he's only been here for thirteen years. He's spent centuries embodying the very land and people of Britain, and, in his heart, he is still very much an Englishman.

So it isn't too hard to grab his little brother, and get the hell out of there.

He packs a large thermos of tea, some scones, and a few other essentials, and then tells his brother that they are going on a quick trip. Sasuke beams, excited at the thought of spending quality time with his big brother.

...

So, they're on the run, and England supposes he's technically a missing-nin now.

Well. He can deal with that. He's dealt with worse in the past, and he has his little brother by his side. That's all that matters.

He tells Sasuke that they aren't going back. Sasuke seems sad, but quickly decides that he has his big brother with him, so things can't be too bad.

He does however ask England why they can't return. England's mind is immediately filled with thoughts of the coup and the massacre, and he decides that they really aren't child-friendly conversations.

(He truly hopes both sides find another way to deal with his issues, but it's not his problem anymore).

He finally settles on, "it's the villages fault, and the Uchiha's fault." He thinks that sums it up nicely.

Sasuke frowns slightly, and nods. England pats his head, and decides that as long as he has his little brother by his side, that's all that matters.

...

AU of this AU

England is drunk, and probably saying way more than he should, but, right now, he really doesn't care.

"You know…you're probably going to die, right? You can't seriously think…you can take on the entire village. We are one clan and there are…so many clans in this village."

Fugaku's eye twitches.

"So many clans," England repeats, because he's not sure if the man heard him.

"I heard you!" Fugaku snaps. Well then. "I am your father and your clan head, and you will respect me!"

"…Which one of you is my father? Because I see two of you…oh wait, do you mean one of you is my father, and one is my clan head? I…where'd the other you go?!"

(Fugaku wonders if Mikoto would be terribly upset if he disowned their son. Because something needs to be done).

"…Anyway. You don't need to worry about your humiliation after the entire village crushes you, because…apparently I have to kill everyone."

"…What?"

"Yes, Danzo went crazy, and stole Shisui's eye, and now he wants me to kill everyone. You. Mother. The elderly people, the babies. Everyone." England blinks. "Oh, that doesn't sound too good…"

"WHAT?!"

"…I think I'm going to be sick. Is the room supposed to be spinning this way?"

He then throws up.

Fugaku doesn't notice.

...

…And yet another AU of this AU

"Okay," England says.

Danzo blinks, because he honestly hadn't expected that to be so easy. The boy seems fairly unbothered though, so Danzo decides he's probably just mentally unstable, and emotionally inept. It doesn't matter either way, as long as he gets what he wants — dead Uchihas, and plenty of Sharingan for the taking.

He sits down.

He smiles.

And then he dies.

England watches him for a moment, and then walks over, and pokes him experimentally. The man makes no sound. He glances sideways at Flying Mint Bunny, who is hovering near by.

"What do you think?" he asks.

"Definitely dead," Flying Mint Bunny replies.

England smiles.

Of course, Danzo's death doesn't immediately fix all of his problems. He still has the coup to deal with, and he doubted that Danzo was the only council member calling for his clan's death. But this will certainly buy him some time, and perhaps the Hokage will be easier to negotiate with.

(Also, the asshole had hurt his best friend, and had threatened his precious little brother. He was not letting him get away with that).

He calls for help, screaming something about how Danzo just dropped dead out of nowhere, and he had no idea what was going on.

He'll probably be a suspect for a while, but it's not like they'll find anything. Danzo has no injuries, there is no poison in his system, and the truth is far too ridiculous for anyone figure out.

After all, who is going to believe that Danzo Shimura was killed by a chair?

England surreptitiously pats Busby's Chair, and thinks, 'thank god unwanted council members are easier to kill off than annoying nations.'

…

AN:

So yeah…I'd originally planned for this story to be a one-shot, and this was actually the original ending. Then I decided to expand it, and decided I didn't want all the Uchiha's dying after all. However, I still wanted to write this, so this is an AU scene for how the story COULD have gone.

(and then I included a bunch more, because these AU scenes are so much fun to write. And these chapters always end up so much longer than I intend).

Also, the Busby's Chair thing- for those of you who haven't seen the Hetalia episode it was mentioned in, it's basically a cursed chair, that is rumoured to kill anyone who sits in it. England tries to use it on America and, predictably, it fails. I decided to include it in here because it was probably one of my favourite Hetalia episodes (and includes a scene I use as my inspiration whenever I need to write a drunk!England scene). Also, if you can't tell, I am not a Danzo fan.

Anyway, thank you for all your lovely reviews, and I hope you continue to enjoy this story!