When Ellra walked into high command with arms full of files, every head turned to her.
"How did you get in here?" demanded General Organa.
Ellra froze, her heart racing.
"I – I, uh, was helping archives with some stuff and they asked me to take these here to you?" she said, hiding part of her face behind a file folder.
"They gave you the access code for high command?" asked Controller Connix, incredulous.
"Were they not supposed to?"
"Oy," grumbled Connix, rubbing her eyes.
"Why are you delivering files for archives, Miss Ellra?" asked the general, hands on her hips. "Why aren't you caring for the animals?"
Ellra explained how the animals didn't need 'round the clock care and she wanted to be helpful on more than one front.
"I helped repair Collin Burster's Y-wing last week, and organized the droid repair bay the other day. Yesterday, I learned how to reassemble a damaged blaster from the firing instructor and this morning I swept the main hangar," she said, ticking each item off her fingers.
"She's a jack of all trades," said Connix, stifling laughter. "Good work, Ellra."
"Thanks, Kaydel," said Ellra, waving back.
General Organa considered Ellra for a long minute, her eyes occasionally flicking to those of one of her admirals or advisors then back to Ellra's flushed face.
"You're an interesting character, Ellra," said the general, finally. "Commander Dameron speaks highly of you, and everyone I've asked about you says they like you and you're helpful."
"Oh, spirits, general," said Ellra, her hands flying up to her mouth. "I didn't know! Thank you!"
General Organa nodded, a hint of a smile on her lips.
"I'd like to give you a shot to be more than just an errand girl and grunt," she said, shifting her weight to rest her hip on the table behind her.
"Oh, General," gasped Ellra. "I want that so badly!"
She couldn't help the way her hands trembled as she listened to the general; they matched the fluttering of her heart in her chest.
"I have a squad of new recruits coming in from the academy in about a week," said the general, tapping a thick stack of files near her hip. "I'd like you to join them, when you're able to, and learn everything you can about combat, space travel, weapons, and survival. Pretend you're enlisted. Pretend you're a new recruit."
"I would be honored, General," breathed Ellra, moving her hands from her mouth to an adamant salute.
"Listen to your commanding officers," said General Organa, "even if the officer is Commander Dameron, understand?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Focus on your own strengths and what you can do to help your fellow soldiers. Don't push yourself to the breaking point – that's not why I'm letting you do this. But test your limits. Get stronger. Be braver. Learn from everything and everyone around you."
Ellra nodded obediently at each point the general made, her salute never faltering.
"I'm truly curious to see what kind of asset you'll become to the Resistance, if you decide to join us. I believe you have a lot to offer, Ellra," said General Organa smiling. "You're a remarkable young woman."
Ellra's heart was rattling against her ribs like a trapped moth. No one had ever spoken about her potential like that, made her feel like she was a well of limitless, untapped power.
"I'm going to make you and Commander Dameron proud," she said, ending the salute with a flourish.
With a small chuckle, the general returned the salute and said, "Dismissed!"
Ellra turned and marched out of the room.
"Ellra!" called the general behind her.
"Ma'am?"
"Stop running errands for people. Tell Tamar to deliver the damned records to me personally like she's supposed to."
Ellra smirked and nodded sharply. She turned again and left high command.
In the week before the new troops arrived, Ellra made as much of her free time as she could. She had deep, heartfelt conversations with her family back home, spoke for hours in Ishta with C-3PO, joked with Ilya endlessly, made new connections with the people she knew would be training her, and, frankly, if she was honest with herself about it, missed Poe and the rest of Black Squadron.
"He's too old for you, Ell," said Ilya, lounging in the soft grass of the cappa paddock, her back resting against the rump of a fat cappa cow who was also reclined on the grass.
Ellra was milking a young mother, trying to imagine what kind of adventures she would have in space with Poe and Jessika. She had forgotten what they were talking about.
"Hm?" she said absentmindedly.
"Poe. He's way too old for you."
Ellra looked over her shoulder at Ilya, who was chewing a piece of sweet grass and gazing lazily at the grazing animals. Ilya looked up, meeting Ellra's surprised face.
"Poe's too young for me… to…?" prompted Ellra, wanting Ilya to spit it out.
"To date. Yeah. He's too old for you."
Ellra laughed. It was a lighthearted mix of derision, amusement, and confusion.
"Well, how old is Poe?" she asked, enjoying the game.
Ilya finally looked more alert.
"Older than me!"
Ellra nodded. "And..?"
"I'm twenty-seven. He's older than me."
Ellra nodded again, switching off the milking machine to change bottles. She chewed her lip in contemplation.
"I do recall Poe telling me he was alive when his parents fought at the Battle of Endor," she said, glancing back at Ilya.
"Exactly!" said Ilya, sitting upright. "And that was…"
She paused to count on her fingers.
"Twenty-six years ago!" she said, holding up seven fingers, for some reason.
Ellra nodded solemnly, considering Ilya's fingers.
"Making Poe about twenty-eight, right?"
Ilya nodded emphatically.
Ellra laughed.
"How old do you think I am, Ilya?" she asked.
Ilya froze, her eyes flicking to those of the lounging cow beside her, as if hoping for some assistance. The cappa lowed softly.
"Aren't… Aren't you, like, twenty?" she finally said pathetically.
Ellra looked down and lifted the bundles of thin braids that hung around her face and shoulders.
"Well," she began, counting off the braids, "it appears that I have circled Tawria's sun at least… ah… about… thirty-seven times."
"What?!" shouted Ilya.
Ellra collapsed into laughter.
"Oh, you're messing with me," said Ilya, shaking her head. "That's on your planet. What's your standard age, dummy?"
Ellra shook off the laughter and nodded at her friend.
"I'm twenty-three. An acceptable age to date someone Poe's age. It's the height, isn't it? It's the height, right?"
Ilya shrugged.
"You just look really young, yeah," she said. "And this is coming from the base's resident squirt."
"I was really afraid that because I was shy and came from an isolated culture people would infantilize me. And I was right," said Ellra, sitting on the ground beside Ilya. "But I've worked with animals since I could walk. I know how to survive in the wilderness. I can cook and build and fix things. I've had significant others – "
"You've had boyfriends?!" interrupted Ilya.
Ellra sighed, her eyes narrowed in frustration.
"Spirits, grant me peace," she hissed through gritted teeth.
"Sorry," chuckled Ilya. "I guess I thought you were this sweet, innocent little virgin, you know."
"I can still be sweet and innocent, Ilya," sighed Ellra, reclining on the cappa's rump the way Ilya had earlier. "If I thought Poe wanted to be with me, I actually would assume he thought the same way you did. Like I'm this delicate child to be protected. Who would want to date a little kid?"
It was Ilya's turn to heave a heavy sigh.
"When you put it that way…" she said, shaking her head absently. "Why do you think I'm second foreman for all the base's construction? I have to convince everyone I'm a badass so they'll treat me as their equal."
Ellra nodded solemnly, patting Ilya's knee.
After a thoughtful silence, she said, "You think Poe thinks of me like that?"
Ilya shook her head.
"Nah," she said, leaning back beside Ellra. "Poe's a sharp guy. Yeah. He sees everyone the way they are. If he has a thing for you – which it is obscenely obvious that he does – " (here, Ellra giggled) " – then he'll make his move when he's ready. He's probably more concerned about the whole rank thing."
Ellra frowned thoughtfully.
"I'm not officially a part of the chain of command yet," she said. "He should move now."
The two women chuckled, gazing up at the hazy sky. A squadron of fighters appeared in the atmosphere, flying in tight formation, approaching the base.
"How do you know Poe?" asked Ellra. "You don't seem to be very good friends, but you know a lot about him. Reputation?"
Ilya shook her head, twiddling her fingers on her stomach.
"It's embarrassing."
Ellra sat up to look over at her friend.
"Embarrassing?" she repeated.
Ilya heaved another enormous sigh.
"When we were coming over to first join the Resistance," she began, "our shuttle, which we'd disguised as a freighter, was waylaid by pirates. We weren't equipped for that kind of fight. A blast hit the cockpit harder than expected and knocked the pilot unconscious. I had some piloting experience, so I tried to get the ship to lightspeed, away from the pirates, but the nav computer was out. We were boarded. Yeah. When they found out it was just a bunch of Rebel wannabes and not valuable cargo, we knew we were going to be floating home in pieces. Miraculously, our rendezvous, Poe and a couple of his pilots, came out of lightspeed at that exact moment."
Ilya paused and took a deep breath, avoiding Ellra's gaze.
"We were saved," she said, "but I didn't know that. There was blaster fire, shouting; the ship shuddered. The cockpit's blast doors opened suddenly. I grabbed a blaster off the unconscious pilot's hip and fired at the first thing that came through."
"No!" cried Ellra, throwing her hands over her mouth, knowing what was about to happen.
Ilya's face scrunched up in embarrassment and horror.
"Yes. It was one of Poe's pilots – Meekan, I think his name was. I shot him. Yeah. Took half his arm off. Poe barreled through, knocking the blaster out of my hand. That should have been that, but I thought he was a pirate!"
Ellra couldn't stop herself from laughing.
"He does dress like one!" she giggled.
"So I tackled 'im," said Ilya, rubbing her forehead.
"No!" cried Ellra, cackling now.
"Yes. And broke his nose. And gave him a black eye. And kicked him in the nuts."
"Ilya, you fight dirty!" said Ellra, no longer laughing.
"I thought I was about to be sold into slavery to the Hutts," said Ilya, shrugging. "I put my everything in trying to kill the guy."
Ellra paused, seeing the look of resignation and regret on Ilya's face.
"You think he hates you," she said.
"Wouldn't you?"
"How did it end?"
"Eh, I was restrained. Taken to General Organa. Yeah, she offered me a spot on the special ops squad."
"What?!"
"Poe suggested it apparently. Thought I'd be good at killin' guys."
Ellra found herself laughing again.
"But you turned them down because…?"
Ilya fussed with her hair and the scarf tying it back.
"Buildin' stuff is what I'm good at. That's what I signed on to do. I have a lot to offer by just being myself. Besides… I hurt a man. He had to get a robotic prosthetic because of me. I didn't want anything to do with hurting people anymore. Only if I have to."
Ellra smiled and reach over to rub Ilya's slumped shoulder.
"The general herself told me to play to my strengths. I think that's part of what makes the Resistance so strong. We all do what we're good at," she said softly.
Ilya nodded and smiled. She said, "The general's a sharp lady."
"So, you do think Poe hates you?" asked Ellra, standing slowly and dusting off her clothes.
"Even though he recommended me for special ops, he's never said one word to me socially. I visited him and Meekan in the medbay and they both were surprisingly cordial considering I nearly killed them both. Well, Poe said, 'I wouldn't say you nearly killed me. I'd say you defended yourself admirably before being swiftly disabled by a veteran soldier with more experience.'"
Ellra and Ilya shared a chuckle here.
"That sounds like him," said Ellra, extending a hand to pull Ilya to her feet.
"But after that, we rarely saw each other. I don't even know if Meekan's still around. So we kind of know each other, but we kind of don't, you know?" said Ilya, absently straightening her clothes.
Ellra nodded and began putting away her milking equipment.
"Hey, Ell. When is Black due back, anyway?" asked Ilya, wheeling a full jug of milk to the gate.
Ellra paused, trying to recall what day it was. Her face broke into a grin as her heart fluttered softly.
"Today," she whispered, almost to herself.
"Today?" repeated Ilya.
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, there's another squadron up there getting ready to land," said Ilya, pointing nonchalantly up to the sky with one finger. "Yeah."
Ellra almost dropped the box she was picking up as her face jerked heavenward.
"Why don't I finish putting this stuff away while you go, I dunno, whatever it is gals do when their flyboys get home?"
Ellra squealed and slapped a big, wet smooch on Ilya's cheek as she dashed off.
She trotted excitedly down the valley, following the squadron of five starfighters in formation overhead towards the landing area. They touched down seconds before she rounded a corner and came into view. She froze, her boots leaving a tiny divot in the packed dirt, and watched the pilots exit their respective crafts.
A small landing party met Black Squadron on the tarmac. Ellra recognized Connix and some of the general's other close confidantes, a handful of mechanics, Oddy, of course, and a computer technician.
Jessika removed her helmet first, wiping sweat from her brow. Her black braid looked damp and her flightsuit clung to her neck. L'ulo and Snap engaged one another in conversation as soon as their helmets were off, their voices anxious, even to Ellra, who was too far away to distinguish their words.
Poe strode quickly to Connix, shedding his helmet as he went, and whispered something in her ear. She nodded sharply and rushed back inside the base, Ellra assumed, to the general. The others conferred with
Poe for a moment, taking notes on their datapads, before scurrying back inside themselves. Poe took the moment of peace to flex his muscles and stretch his neck before looking back at Black 1 and calling for BB-8.
With a tweeting whistle, the little droid rolled from under the X-wing and stopped at Poe's feet. He knelt and placed one hand on either side of BB-8's spherical body, speaking low and carefully.
Ellra felt ashamed for just a moment that she was eavesdropping on such an intimate conversation, even though she couldn't hear what was being said.
BB-8 listened intently to what Poe told him, nodding his domed head or beeping in confirmation from time to time. When he was done speaking, Poe tipped his head close to BB-8's body and the little droid nuzzled his head against Poe's.
Poe then rose and looked around the valley, finally spotting Ellra, shyly watching from a distance. She gave a tiny wave. BB-8 spotted her at the same time and whistled excitedly. Poe smiled softly and beckoned her over with a gentle gesture of his fingers.
"Commander Poe," said Ellra, when she reached Poe.
"Lieutenant Ellra," he countered, resting his hands on his hips.
"Glad you're home safely," she said, tucking her hands under her tunic. "I hope the mission went well."
For a moment, the joy on Poe's face faltered, but he quickly fixed his smile back and said, "As well as expected. We're all okay and that's all I hope for when things get tough."
Ellra smiled wistfully at the sentiment. She looked around and saw that the other pilots had dispersed, except for Karé who was examining her X-wing with Oddy.
She looked up at Poe and saw dirt on his jumpsuit in strange places. His hair was almost dripping wet with sweat, which caused the curls to cling to his face and neck. Strange bits of gravel were caught in the collar of his flightsuit. His cheek was slightly swollen as if he had taken a blow.
Ellra's next movement was a result of instinct and not thought. She flung herself at Poe and hugged him tightly, gripping a fistful of the collar of his flightsuit behind his neck. She felt him relax as he wrapped her snugly in his arms and squeezed her affectionately.
"Poe…" she sighed dreamily.
He laughed softly at the tone in her voice, entirely mistaking it.
"Yeah?"
"You smell like space!"
With that, Ellra buried her face in the front of Poe's flightsuit, breathing deeply the burning, stinging scent of dying stars and comets' tails. He tossed his head back and laughed, holding her tightly against him.
In a moment, Ellra leaned back and coughed.
"It burns my throat," she said, looking up at Poe.
"It does. It tastes like fireworks."
Ellra cocked her head thoughtfully, dragging her finger down the front of Poe's safety harness and examining the dust on her fingertip.
"Don't!" cried Poe, grabbing her hand as she aimed to lick her finger. "Please don't taste space, you silly girl."
"Just curious," she said sheepishly.
"Obviously," he said, gently dusting her hand with both of his. "You'll get your chance when you spend time in your own cockpit, ok?"
Ellra shrugged her compliance and Poe shook his head.
"Hey, Ell," said Poe, looking thoughtful. "I just remembered. Wasn't I supposed to get a reward for getting back here safely?" He looked at BB-8 and added, "Wasn't I, BB-8?"
BB-8 whistled vehemently.
"What kind of reward was that, Commander?" asked Ellra, smirking as she playfully feigned ignorance.
"I don't remember," said Poe, shuffling his feet on the tarmac. "I think it was something special. Was it something special, BB-8?" he added, looking down again.
BB-8's whistle was ecstatic, the series of whirs and beeps that followed an incoherent mess of positivity.
"Oh, my kisses are that good, then, BB-8?" said Ellra, winking at the little droid.
Wheeeet whew.
Ellra dissolved in shy laughter.
"That's right," drawled Poe, now feigning realization. "A kiss. You owe me a kiss."
"I am a woman of my word," she said, chewing her lip. "Hey, BB-8, where did I kiss you when you left?"
BB-8 nodded his little head and beeped a short response Ellra recognized as "head."
"And Poe wanted a kiss like I gave you, right?"
BB-8 confirmed with another short beep.
"Awww," said Poe. "That's how it's gonna be, huh? Dirty tricks?"
Ellra motioned for Poe to come closer. He feigned annoyance, but she could see his eyes gleaming with mischief and excitement as he stopped in front of her. She motioned for him to bend down. He sighed dramatically and ducked his head just enough for Ellra to reach him.
"Ew," she said, gently pushing him back.
"Ew?" repeated Poe, incredulous. "Ew?"
"Your hair's all sweaty," said Ellra, looking down her nose at him. "I don't want to kiss your head right now."
"You're killin' me, Ell," he chuckled, shaking his head and pulling some of the curls back off his forehead.
"So…" said Ellra, drawing out the syllable to get his attention again. "I guess I'll just have to kiss your dumb face then."
"You're gonna be the death of me…" breathed Poe, unable to hide his annoyance or his elation.
Ellra swooped in and placed a delicate peck at the corner of Poe's lopsided grin before he could finish his thought.
"I have to keep you on your toes," she said, twirling dramatically around and walking away.
"You sure do that."
It was crowded that evening in the dining hall. This was the first time in a while that Ellra's closest friends and acquaintances had been in such close proximity. She greeted each group as she entered the commissary, and the pilots greeted her the most warmly.
"Sit with us, Ell," said Snap, motioning to an empty seat beside him. "We missed you."
"Well, if that doesn't make a girl feel special," she said, grinning broadly as she sat down.
The pilots had all had a chance to clean up after being debriefed earlier, and they looked fresh and relaxed in their civilian attire. Poe looked especially handsome with his hair loosely swept back and a clean linen shirt on, but his face betrayed the same undisclosed worry from earlier.
Ellra was afraid to push him to open up because she wasn't sure where the line lay in their friendship, but she hoped relaxing with his teammates would help him feel better.
The mission Black Squadron just returned from had been top secret on the general's orders, but the pilots shared what parts of their adventure they could with Ellra, enthralling her with a dramatic retelling of a violent dogfight above the craggy surface of a moon.
"Poe was on the ground," said Jessika. "He couldn't provide cover."
"And I had six TIEs on my ass," said Snap.
"Liar," said Karé. "It was three if I'm breathing."
"L'ulo was the hero of the day," said Poe, leaning across the table so Ellra could hear him.
"I thought we didn't use that word, Poe?" said L'ulo, chuckling.
"When it counts, we do!" said Jess, triumphantly gesturing in the air.
Karé patted L'ulo on the back encouragingly.
Ellra leaned back to look around Snap's broad shape at the table of mechanics. Two turned and made eye contact with her and she smiled, and they returned it. She wasn't used to having so many people just delighted to have her around. She rarely socialized with more than one or two people at a time back home. Here, she had an entire room full of people who were thrilled to talk to her.
After dinner, Ellra went to her quarters to try and sleep. BB-8 was excited to be back in her room. He wheeled around for a few minutes before switching on an old holo drama and settling back in his charging station to watch it.
Ellra tossed and turned for a while, half listening to the drama unfold at low volume. Her chest was full of anxiety, an almost pulsing kind, one she was unfamiliar with. She eventually sat up and stared across at BB-8. His lights were off except for the low yellow charging indicator.
"Good night, little friend," she said softly.
She rose and dressed again, deciding to use her wakefulness to go check on the animals. She switched on her datapad and toggled through the different feeds. Her heart flipped behind her clavicle when she saw an unfamiliar shape near the paddock gate and she rushed out of the room, almost tripping in the doorway in her haste.
Ellra raced through the corridors, almost upsetting a medical droid carrying something.
"Sorry!" she gasped, not even stopping.
The swept tarmac thudded softly under her feet as she ran through the valley towards the cappa enclosure. What she was going to do when she found the lurker, she didn't know. She hadn't thought that far ahead. Getting there was her first thought.
She slid to a stop, rounding the last hillside that blocked her view, and tripped over her own equipment that Ilya had left earlier.
"What the hell?" said a familiar voice as Ellra untangled her legs from the milking hoses.
"Ilya, that bastard," she mumbled under her breath.
A strong hand steadied her as she shook the hoses loose.
"Who – Poe?" she stammered.
"Most of the time," he said, one hand behind his back.
"What are you doing here at one in the morning?"
Poe hesitated. His eyes flicked from Ellra's face to the paddock to the crate behind him and back to her. He chewed his bottom lip for a moment.
"Contemplating?" he ventured, looking sheepish.
"That's not an answer," she said, stamping her foot in annoyance.
The rush of adrenaline from needing to save her animals was gone, leaving her with frustration, the embarrassment of falling into a pile of her own milking equipment, and a powerful urge to blame someone. Poe was an acceptable target.
Poe settled back on the crate he must have been sitting on before Ellra's noisy arrival, tugging his jacket collar close against the damp breeze rolling down the hillside. He watched her bend over and reorganize her milking equipment before cramming it all into a crate.
She roughly smushed the lid down over the contents and sat on it, folding her legs under her and fixing her eyes on Poe.
"What's behind your back, Poe?" she asked, gesturing to his concealed arm.
Poe sighed and ducked his head. He held up his hand, revealing a burning cigarette.
"What's that?" said Ellra blankly.
Poe looked confused. He blinked at her before flicking the loose ash from the end and putting it back between his lips.
"You don't know what a cigarette is?" he asked, his words punctuated by a small wisp of smoke.
Ellra scrunched her nose as she considered.
"Now that you mention it," she said, shifting her weight on the crate, "I have seen the traders and smugglers smoking sometimes. I almost forgot. You can follow their smell through the plains and hills."
Poe smiled and nodded.
"I didn't know you smoked," she said, feeling awkward all of a sudden and not knowing why.
"I don't," said Poe, scratching his temple and avoiding Ellra's curious gaze.
She suddenly realized where the anxiety that was keeping her awake came from. Somehow she had picked up on the tight knot of worry deep in Poe's chest.
"You only smoke when you're worried about something," said Ellra, ducking her head to force Poe to meet her eye.
He nodded, his smile forced.
"I don't get worried," he finally said. "I don't get to be anxious or afraid. I have too much responsibility to indulge in that."
Ellra nodded, the bitterness in his voice not lost on her.
"That's why you're sitting here where no one can see, clutching your jacket against your body, indulging in a vulgar vice you don't want anyone to know about," she said softly.
"Damn, Ell, call a guy out," chuckled Poe.
"Poe, may I be personal with you for a moment?" asked Ellra, moving across the small space to kneel next to him.
"What, that wasn't personal enough?" he quipped, but his smile told Ellra he wasn't angry. "Knock yourself out."
"You're one of the most important people in the Resistance, both as a leader and as a symbol of optimism," she began, placing a gentle hand on his knee. "That's a lot of pressure."
Poe nodded, staring into the distance, a wry smile on his face.
"But you're also a person."
This made him look down at Ellra.
"You're entitled to feel frustrated or scared or confused or discouraged sometimes," she said. "You don't have to pretend everything is fine all the time."
"I can't show weakness, though," said Poe, lighting another cigarette.
Ellra watched the light flicker over his face for a moment. For the first time since her coming, Poe had dark circles under his eyes. The sight made her heart ache.
"Feeling things isn't weakness," she said.
He shot her a look.
"You know what I mean," he mumbled around the cigarette. "I have to be the face of bravery to everyone under me. That's just what it means to be a leader."
"I'm just trying to say that… it's okay to let yourself feel these emotions. You're not jeopardizing missions or compromising informants when you let yourself worry."
"Actually," said Poe sharply, "second-guessing yourself does jeopardize missions!"
"I didn't say you should second-guess yourself. If anything, I believe you should always stand behind your decisions. I see you do it all the time. It's part of what makes you such a great leader," said Ellra, leaning up so Poe could see her face better in the darkness.
He smiled.
"You think I'm a great leader?"
She playfully nudged his leg and said, "You're the best commander I've ever seen."
"Don't say that. I'm the only commander you've ever seen!"
"That's the joke," Ellra giggled.
Poe sighed and leaned back on the crate, his arms braced behind him as he stared up at the sky.
Ellra was relieved to see him relax a little. The knot of anxiety she felt from him loosened. She calmly watched his face in the dark, inwardly cursing herself for thinking about how damn good-looking he was. Part of her wanted to yank the cigarette out of his mouth and kiss him.
"Stop staring at me, you're making me self-conscious," he said quietly.
"Poe Dameron does not feel self-conscious," scoffed Ellra.
"Well, if I was capable of feeling self-conscious, you'd be making me self-conscious, so cut it out."
Ellra laughed gently and followed Poe's gaze up to the sky. The violet-black expanse was interrupted regularly by silvery-white wisps of clouds which were illuminated eerily by the moon's glow.
"Poe?" asked Ellra softly, nudging his knee.
"Mm?"
"What happened? I saw the looks on everyone's faces when you got home today. What happened?"
Poe sighed and leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs. He shook his head and said, "I can't – "
"You can't tell me about the mission. Tell me what happened," interrupted Ellra.
For a moment, the moonlight reflected in Poe's eyes and Ellra could see fear in them. It was something ugly to see in him, something foreign. She almost felt like she was violating some private, personal secret by looking at him in that moment.
"Someone betrayed us. We were compromised. The First Order got there first. Yes, we got the information we came for, and that's a victory, but that victory almost cost my entire team their lives," said Poe so softly that Ellra could barely make it out.
"You all know better than anyone that your lives could end at any moment," began Ellra. "But something about this in particular…?"
"Any one of us would consider it an honor to die for the Resistance, for each other," he said, finally looking down at her. "But this was stupid. It would have been a waste, for any of us to have died today. We weren't defending anyone or fighting a noble battle. It was deliberate sabotage and it almost killed all five of us… and others."
Without thinking, Ellra rested her cheek on Poe's leg and his hand instinctively moved to rest in her hair. She managed to keep from shivering at the touch, but she knew her cheeks were flushed and she was grateful for the darkness.
"You're afraid of losing someone in vain," she said softly.
He nodded, again staring at the sky.
Ellra sighed and cleared her throat.
"You got the information, right?" she said.
Poe nodded.
"And it was important to the Resistance, right?"
Another nod.
"Then it wouldn't have been in vain."
Poe looked down, his eyes curious.
"Anything you do, your teammates do, your friends and comrades – none of this is in vain. It's all for this greater cause. It will never be pointless. It will never be in vain."
Ellra gently shook Poe's leg beneath her head to emphasize her words and he laughed quietly.
"You sure know how to cheer a guy up," he said, gently raking his fingers through her curls.
Ellra rose and shook the dirt off her knees. She stretched and flexed her ankles before leaning over Poe and wrapping her arms around him.
"Feel what you need to feel, Poe," she said softly as she rested her chin on his head. "Wallow if you need to. Feel it, then move on, knowing you're doing the right thing. Your teammates – a lot of people, actually – count on you not just to be a brave face, but to be the face of what's right. I look up to you, too, because you're the guy who does the right thing."
Poe chuckled against Ellra's chest, which was squished against his face. Neither of the two parties particularly cared.
She leaned back, holding him at arm's length.
"When you feel the urge to sneak around and have a smoke," she said, giving him a warning look, "don't forget your friend Ellra. You can talk to me about anything, anytime. And I won't get upset because you can't talk about secrets."
Poe smiled. Ellra basked in it for a moment because it was a real smile, full of trust and affection.
She leaned over and kissed the top of his head.
"Oh, hey, is my hair better? I showered for you," said Poe, repressed laughter in his voice.
"Much better," said Ellra, ruffling his hair playfully. "It's soft and smells fresh!"
They laughed for a moment then parted.
"Try to rest, Poe, okay?" said Ellra, turning to leave.
"I will. Good night, Ell," he replied, kicking dirt over the remains of his cigarettes. "Oh!" he suddenly cried. "Wait."
Ellra stopped and turned around.
"Please don't tell BB-8 you saw me smoking. He hates it when I do."
She smirked and made a zipping motion across her mouth before turning and heading back to her quarters.
Despite the lack of sleep, Ellra was up bright and early. She headed to the commissary for breakfast and was pleasantly surprised to see many of her friends there. Ilya was eating with her fellow foreman, another construction worker, and a couple of enlisted; most of Black Squadron were seated in the corner farthest from the serving line while several other pilots leaned on the closest wall to chat, cups of caf in hand.
After getting her food, Ellra stopped for a moment to smooch Ilya on top of her head and say high to the foreman, then headed to the corner where the pilots were all gathered, chatting and drinking.
"Wow, Ellra," said Karé, "you look so fresh-faced this morning. Like you're just radiating sunshine."
"Oh, Karé, that's such a nice thing for you to say!" said Ellra, sitting in the last remaining seat at the table. "I always thought your hair was really beautiful."
Karé beamed before hiding her face behind her mug.
Ellra looked across at Poe who seemed to be forcing conversation with another pilot who stood nearby; he had a sheepish look on his face as he avoided Ellra's gaze.
"Hey, Poe," said Snap. "Take a look at the pretty blouse Ellra's wearing. Wouldn't you say that shade of yellow is sure… sunny?"
Ellra's face fell as she froze; the spoon in her hand almost slipped in the bowl of hot grains she was eating.
"Dammit, look what you guys did!" snapped Jessika.
"You're all making fun of me, aren't you?" asked Ellra, unable to meet the eyes of anyone present.
"No!" cried Snap and Karé in unison.
"It's not what you think," sighed Poe, screwing his face up in embarrassment.
"Someone please tell me before I get upset," said Ellra very quietly, her hand shaking as she clutched the spoon.
"They're teasing Poe," said L'ulo matter-of-factly. "Not you."
Ellra looked around in confusion. Poe looked away again and scratched his cheek.
"This morning, Poe said you were like a ray of sunshine," said Jessika, placing a comforting hand on Ellra's arm.
"He said that? Poe, you said that?" said Ellra, looking across as Poe admired his plate.
"Guilty," he finally said in sing-song.
"Sorry we scared you," said Snap, patting Ellra's shoulder. "We'd never make fun of you like that."
"It's okay. I'm just always going to be a little self-conscious because I feel like I somehow got included with the cool kids when I shouldn't be."
"Hear that guys?" said Karé. "We're the cool kids!"
"You're not the cool kids, Dolom," said Jessika to one of the loitering pilots, poking his hip playfully.
"Screw you, Pava," he said, chuckling and stepping out of her reach.
The conversation moved on to other things, but Ellra couldn't stop glancing over at Poe who was adamantly avoiding her gaze. She smiled to herself as warmth spread through her body, from her chest out to her fingers. It was an extremely pleasant sensation and a refreshing one in that it wasn't accompanied by a wave of self-consciousness.
After breakfast, Ellra trotted after Poe to catch him in the hallway.
"A ray of sunshine, huh?" she called playfully.
She caught up just in time to see Poe's eyes flutter shut dramatically as he stopped.
"Is this gonna be one of those things I'll never live down, like the sarlaac thing?" he groaned.
"Sarlaac thing?" she repeated.
Poe's eyes snapped open and he bit his lip.
"Forget it. Will I ever live this down?"
Ellra stood in front of Poe, innocently rocking back and forth, and watching his reactions carefully.
"No, no, no, Commander Poe Dameron," she said, smirking, "you told your best friends that I am a ray of sunshine. I'm going to remind you of this every day."
"Why?" he whined, collapsing theatrically against the wall.
"Because it's sweet. It's cute. It almost makes me think…" drawled Ellra, pausing dramatically.
"Think?" prompted Poe.
Ellra flicked her eyes up from the floor to meet Poe's as she said, "It almost makes me think you like me."
The corner of Poe's mouth turned up and he fixed her with his most seductive, hotshot flyboy gaze.
"Does it?" he purred, shifting his weight away from the wall and standing up straight again.
"Should it?" she asked, her shyness now gone completely.
Poe sighed and shook his head, the grin never faltering. He said, "Ell, I'm only one man. I don't know how many more hints I could possibly drop. BB-8 suggested writing it in the sky with my X-wing."
"You saying I'm oblivious?" said Ellra, the smile that split her face almost blinding in its brilliance.
"No, no," said Poe, looking away from her smile like it was the sun. "Connix with her headphones on is oblivious. You're a damn lost cause."
"I only had to make sure."
"Are you sure now?"
The pair eyed each other for a moment longer than necessary as Ellra planned her next words. After everything, she felt pretense was a waste of energy. She relaxed and offered Poe a gentle, natural smile.
"I'm as certain as possible," she said softly.
"Good," he said, visibly relieved.
Poe turned to go and Ellra called to him, "Wait, how will you know?"
"How will I know what?" he asked over his shoulder.
"You're going to make me say it?" she asked, crossing her arms.
"At least you don't have to write it in the sky," said Poe with a shit-eating grin.
Ellra exhaled, chewing her bottom lip. She was genuinely baffled by the fact that she wasn't even nervous. This whole exchange was proving more comforting than anything else and that in itself felt strange.
"How will you know that I like you?" she finally said, dropping her arms at her sides.
"I'm not as dense as you, Oka," said Poe, folding his arms and grinning proudly. "I already know."
With that, he whirled around and continued walking away.
"Bastard," whispered Ellra, amusement and embarrassment battling for domination inside her.
"I heard that," called Poe without turning around. "Stop picking up swear words from Ilya…"