Chapter 16: What It's Like to be Lonely

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Kylo Ren blinked several times, his surroundings slowly coming into focus, as he came back to himself. After the showdown at Rey's apartment, he had barricaded himself in self-loathing and dark thoughts. It was there he was able to cancel out the pain of his mistake. He beat every piece of equipment in his training room, as opposed to combating the rage he had storming inside him. It was a losing battle, regardless of his efforts. What he was fighting was himself. He was always going to lose — just as he had lost her.

His apartment was reminiscent of a war zone. Broken glass, wood, and tile decorated the floors and countertops from his numerous outbursts. He had cut himself more times than he could count, but refused to report to Mitaka for care.

Phasma had returned from her vacation relaxed and sated. Her refreshed demeanor lasted about thirty seconds before she was fielding calls for Kylo, who had broken his cell and ripped his landline from the wall. He didn't want to speak to anyone, which resigned her to using more personal tactics, by coming to his pad every morning.

Normally, her presence would have shaken him out of his stupor, if not for her get-it-done attitude, then for the mere decency of having her only see him at his best, since he was her superior. Kylo couldn't find it in himself to care. Appearances meant nothing. Phasma knew what a disaster he was.

And now Rey did too.

He hadn't even been able to keep her a week, bursting the little bubble they had been operating within for a precious few days. It had been the first time in years he had felt truly happy, so, of course, it couldn't last.

Monsters don't get happy endings, he thought bitterly.

Kylo had gone through the motions all week, his body on autopilot. He only drove to Ahch-To for his classes, barely speaking to his uncle and avoiding any conversation involving the other instructor. Rey must have been avoiding him too. He hadn't seen her once all week. Each time he arrived, her Triumph was in the gravel parking lot, but she was missing from the building. Her absence could be felt, as if the structure itself could sense the change in their relationship.

He tried not to think on it too much. In his weaker moments he worried about her commuting back and forth, while her tormentor was still out there, but she wasn't his to worry about. She had made that clear.

Nothing hurt worse than her biting retort.

His parents' absence, his uncle's dismissal, not even Snoke's questionable methods for producing a champion had affected him the way Rey's rejection had. The after effects had him spiraling down a dark hole, reliving every failure and disappointment of his life, over and over again, until he struggled to complete the simplest of tasks.

By the time he found himself in the court appointed psychiatrist's office, Kylo could hardly concentrate on anything, least of all his doctor's words.

Per the court's order, he had been assigned therapy sessions once a week until his six month sentence had been served. The doctor submitted weekly check-in reports with the league on his progress, which he was required to sign as a demonstration of his attendance. It was all by-the-book and terribly inconvenient, when he'd rather be training in the confines of his apartment or drinking down all the whiskey Phasma dared to bring him. She had threatened to withhold it from him if he didn't get up and go to see the therapist this week, as he was required to.

The main topic of discussion with the doctor was his aggression. Typically the hour long session went by without much notice. She asked him the typical questions about his childhood, his emancipation, and his aggression in and outside the ring. He knew what to say in order to be granted a clean bill of mental health. He chose not to elaborate more than was necessary. In fact, he had rarely uttered more than one word answers to Dr. Kaydel Connix the entire time he had been seeing her.

Until last week.

"Your mood improved considerably last time we spoke," Dr. Connix remarked, her ballpoint pen dancing across the pad of paper balanced on her knees. With her plain, pantsuit and her hair tightly pulled back, she had a professional and clinically detached persona, perfect for someone in her line of work. "Would you care to explain why you've reverted back to your original demeanor this week?"

"Do I have a choice?" Kylo returned, feigning indifference.

"You always have a choice, Ben."

"That is not my name," he snapped.

"According to your medical records, it is your birth name."

"According to my legal records, like the ones tied to the bank account which pays for your services, my name is Kylo."

"This is why you are here."

He was aware. He had regularly arrived at her office weekly, taking the earliest morning appointment she had available, knowing he'd be up. He was accustomed to early hours from his years of training with the First Order. More recently, the time had worked in his favor for another reason. Rey was taught the morning classes and his absence wouldn't affect her. His uncle was there to watch her while Kylo maintained the requirements of his court mandated punishment.

As it was, there had been no further sightings of Unkar Plutt and Rey had returned to her normal, vibrant self. He had tried to broach the topic of going to his mother for legal aid a couple of times. Each time, he had almost proposed it, when she'd ask him a question unrelated to his train of thought and it derailed the best of his efforts. If he was being honest, though, he had been acting selfishly, allowing the unresolved threat to serve as an excuse for his proximity. At the time, she hadn't acted as though she minded, making a deal with him to stay with her for the majority of her day and cooking meals for them. There was a sense of domesticity to the routine, one which he never thought he wanted, until it was right in front of him.

While taking advantage of Plutt's threat wasn't as despicable as his previous plotting, he knew it was wrong. He had begun making progress with Rey over the course of their final week together. When she asked questions, he always gave her an honest answer, even if she asked about his life before the First Order, when he had lived with Luke or even earlier on.

She had done research on his mother in college, so she was familiar with Leia's political platform and the advancements she had made. What Rey didn't know was how a hero to the people could forsake her own son. It hadn't been a pretty discussion. When he had finished detailing the nights without his mother to tuck him in or how Maz had become more of a maternal figure, Rey had nearly been in tears, gripping his hand so tightly he considered tapping out. The joke would have caused her to break her contact with him. He hadn't wanted to lose her touch, regardless of the pressure her tiny body was capable of producing. Besides, it didn't hurt as much as the next conversation.

Han Solo had always been an extremely sensitive subject for Kylo. It had stung him to hear Rey's excitement over his father. She admired him more than Leia, considering him a legend. From scoundrel to hero, he had captured her heart with his adventures, spurred to change because of his love of a young politician. Kylo had cast his reservations aside, reminding himself, that Rey made her own choices. If she wanted to know about Han, the infamous smuggler, he'd share all he could with her, even how he had ended things with the man.

Thankfully, they had never reached that conversation.

The only thing he hadn't been honest with Rey about yet, were the files in his office. He had deleted all the copies from his laptop and his mobile, but he hadn't been able to part with it completely. He chose to keep a printed copy in his apartment, in his top office drawer. It sat there, lurking just out of sight, but not out of his mind. His greatest sin against her and one she, hopefully, would never know about.

The sin he was paying for now was different. Wrath. Dr. Connix made a point to ask him how he was handling it each time he showed up at her door. If he expected to resume fighting, he needed to become better at handling his emotions.

"I appreciate your understanding about last week's session. My-." He cut himself off. His what? How did he classify Rey? He hadn't know how to label her last week. He sure as hell didn't know what to classify her as now.

"Friend?" The doctor supplied, after his silence went on far longer than was appropriate.

He nodded. It was the simplest explanation, though he hated how it limited all that she was to him. Prior to their falling out, he had considered Rey more than a friend. While he had stayed close to her since her episode, it was her light, her warmth, which had soothed him. Her insistence on sharing her meals and her apartment with him was the most comfort he had been offered in many years. He had always considered home to be a place, but the more hours he spent with Rey and her infectious mood, the more he believed it was a person.

No, Rey hadn't been his friend. She had started becoming his home.

"Is this the cause of your changed manner?"

Kylo nodded once more.

Dr. Connix's eyes flashed with genuine interest, but she didn't press him. Instead, she was content to continue scribbling on her notepad.

"She was…is-."

"She?" The doctor leaned forward, her attention locked on him. "What is her name?"

"Rey."

"Rey." Connix smiled, kindly, as though merely speaking the name aloud brought a picture to mind. Nothing the woman across from him could picture would capture the true essence of Rey. Even if he attempted to describe her, it would fail in comparison.

"She is being targeted by a dangerous man. He came after her and..."

…I wasn't there to protect her.

The guilt from Plutt's reappearance was still eating away at him. Even though he hadn't seen Rey in nearly a week, he felt partially to blame for her episode. It was the stress of the wretched man in her life which had driven her to such a state, rendering her helpless when she was anything but. Having witnessed her at the low point had been a turning point for Kylo. He realized in the instant Rey fainted, he would do whatever he could for her. The possessive nature of his attention morphed into a solicitous intent.

Intentions were what had gotten him involved with her in the first place. It was poetic that his intentions were also his downfall. He had intended to drive her away from the academy, securing it as his own. The objective was not achieved. Kylo had lost his desire to pursue it once he had fallen under Rey's spell. His intentions became all about keeping her safe and spending as much time as he could with her. Somewhere along the way, the need to keep her safe, developed into a need to take care of her, hence his insistence on buying her the mattress.

"And none of it matters now, because she isn't speaking to me."

"Why?"

Kylo narrowed his eyes at the psychiatrist.

"Ben," Dr. Connix started, "You may have been ordered to attend these sessions, however, I would encourage you to make the most of them. Everything said is confidential, unless you reveal you are a harm to yourself or others."

I am harmful, he thought, ruefully, his thoughts drifting to the folder of information on Rey. It was searing a hole in his desk and his mind.

"If you two had a disagreement, you should try to resolve it. Obviously, this relationship is important to you, otherwise it would not be affecting you. I suggest reaching out to her. Talk about what happened."

"I told you," he snarled. "She isn't speaking to me."

"Have you given her a reason to?"

If looks could kill, Kylo was sure the woman across from him would have dissolved into a smattering of dust. How dare she ask such an impertinent question! She had no idea how he felt towards Rey or what he would do for her. She had no right to make assumptions about what he had or had not done.

"That's what I thought," she replied, somewhat smugly, taking his silence as the answer she sought. "Tell me this. In terms of your argument, does she consider you in the wrong?"

"I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Listen closely to what I am asking you." She paused, leveling her eyes with him. "Does she consider you in the wrong?"

Kylo focused on the glass and rod iron coffee table in between them, adorned with various hand blown glass animal sculptures. He contemplated how Dr. Connix would word her weekly report to the federation if he destroyed her menagerie. Obliterating her possessions wouldn't get him signed off, so he pushed the temptation from his mind to analyze her query.

As he had numerous times on his drive home from Tatooine, he replayed his fight with Rey. The conversation they had had was seared into his memory, preserving the instant he had lost her. He had berated himself for thinking she would ever choose him. She didn't want to be with him. He was a means to an end, a friend to hold her hand while she recuperated. She would choose another, someone better suited for her light.

Choose.

You don't get to make my choices for me!

Shit.

Kylo swallowed the growing lump in his throat. Hadn't he recited to himself his mantra enough times to recognize when he wasn't heeding it?

Rey chooses for Rey.

"Well?" Dr. Connix coaxed.

"Yes," he breathed the word. "She believes it is my fault and she's right."

"Is she? Or are you saying she is because you believe it is what I want to hear?"

"No." Kylo replied with confidence. "I bought her a mattress, something she wanted to buy for herself. I didn't understand why she was upset. I thought women liked it when men bought them things."

Dr. Connix pressed the top of her own against her lips with a hum. "Stereotypes are dangerous. These preconceived notions society has are often oversimplified or entirely false. While in some cases, they may be true, every person is unique and no one fits exactly into a perfect mold."

When Kylo didn't respond, she continued.

"Your friend sounds like an independent individual."

Surprising himself and Dr. Connix, Kylo shared with her the highlights of Rey's background and how she came to live at the studio, while working two jobs to get by.

"Ah," the psychiatrist nodded. "Then I can understand why this purchase would be significant to her. The item itself is irrelevant. It could have been a pack of chewing gum. In any case, the fact you viewed this as a gallant effort, while she viewed it as an act of dominance, is what sparked the discord."

"From your perspective, you were envisioning this as a gift, a token of your feelings for her. You were working to nurture the bond you feel with her. To her, however, your actions are an exercise of your control over her. Not only are you taking away her power as an individual, but you are disregarding her effort to achieve this level of financial freedom she has worked towards."

Fuck.

There it was, as plain as black and white, in front of him. It had taken him coming to a shrink to figure it out, but now he understood why Rey had gotten so upset. He had done the exact thing he had promised her and himself he would no longer do — try to control her.

Inadvertently, he had forced his decision upon her, setting them back or quite possibly terminating their relationship all together.

"What should I do?" He felt foolish for voicing his question out loud. If Dr. Connix thought it silly, she didn't let it show.

"You know her better than I do, Ben. What do you think you should do?"

"I don't know!" He said, brusquely. "If I did, I wouldn't be here asking you!"

She didn't respond to his anger. She remained composed and unflinching in his presence. Wherever Hux had found her, he had certainly done his research to make sure she wouldn't scare easily.

"Fair enough." She smiled at him. He glared back. "Have you considered doing something to give her back power. Offering to alter the dynamics of your relationship in her favor may make her feel more comfortable with you and change her mind about speaking with you."

"How exactly do you propose I do that?"

"You need to figure that part out for yourself, Ben. I can't claim to have all the answers. My role is to guide you to find those answers on your own."

"And if this doesn't work?"

"Sometimes relationships fall apart and cannot be mended. This is a fact of life. If, unfortunately, Rey can't move past what happened, you need to understand and let her go."

Kylo wasn't sure what hurt worse — knowing he had caused the issue with Rey or knowing if she chose to never speak to him again, he had to honor her decision.

"If this friend of yours is as important to you as it seems, regardless of the outcome, perhaps you would benefit from additional relationships."

"Excuse me?"

"During our prior sessions, you have communicated you have few relationships and those you do have are maintained for your career, not out of any personal gratification. Have you considered expanding your network to include others besides, Rey? It could be quite cathartic."

"No."

Rey was a special case. She had never been scared of him. It was unwise on her part, but it had intrigued him. Her reactions were never predictable and she remained constantly positive and assertive, never once giving an inch when he pushed. If he managed to beat her during one of their sessions, she was quick to learn and reestablish herself against him the next time they met. She rose to every occasion, gave as good as she got.

It was how she acted with everything and everyone. When she was teaching the padawans, she was eager to explain forms and correct posture to ensure no bad habits formed, yet she still managed to hold their attention and joke with them. With the parents, she never turned away the constant flurry of feedback or questions about the curriculum. She had inserted herself into the academy, already as recognizable as the studio itself.

In town, it was much the same. People recognized her as the young trainer. Those who didn't attend classes had seen her at Kanata Kaffeine, introducing themselves or at the very least waving. She had such a friendly exterior, people couldn't help but be drawn towards her and those whom she shared herself with remained just as enraptured.

Her friends, those in the city and those in the area were intensely loyal to her. The ones from the city had driven her belongings an hour away, helping her move in, and bringing her food and music, as if it was a party instead of a chore. The staff at Rogue One treated her like she was their daughter, despite her being only a decade younger than the owners. Her friends in Tatooine welcomed her as a sister, and he could see their feminine influence, as Rey began experimenting with makeup and different outfits, courtesy of her good tips from the club and Jess's influence.

He had no one like the people Rey surrounded herself with.

Except, he had spent time with her friends. Rose and Jess were...tolerable and Maz had been warmer toward him since he began frequenting her cafe each morning with Rey, though his old babysitter could hardly count as a friend. She was more like a surrogate mother, a better one than his real mother had been. The squad at the club had stopped raising their brows when he brought her in for the start of her shift, and no one batted a lash at him when he returned later in the evening to check on her on his way home after his classes had concluded. Kaytoo had started to keep the stool at the end of the bar open so Kylo had a place to sip his whiskey. The odd man kept an eye on Rey, when Kylo was out, as a favor to him. He also kept an eye on Bodhi Rook.

"Ben?" Dr. Connix's voice reminded him where he was and of her unanswered prompt.

"I'm not a people person," he stated.

"You managed to develop a connection with Rey."

"She's different."

"How so?"

"People are immediately drawn to her. She's attractive and bright. Everyone wants to be her friend."

Or more than friends, he thought, picturing how Bodhi had instantly begun flirting with Rey when he met her. Kylo clenched his fists, his mind immediately wondering if the man had made a move on Rey since his had no right to be jealous. Bodhi was exactly the type of person Rey should be with, considering how he was full of smiles and light-hearted banter. It made more sense for her to be with someone like Rook than it did for her to be with someone like him, haunted by the darkness of his past and constantly battling inner demons.

"What do you want, Ben?" Dr. Connix observed his behavior, peering at him with an all together different interest in his words.

"What do you mean?"

"You are attracted to her."

He scoffed, leaning back in his seat away from the psychologist. "Everyone is attracted to her."

She hummed again. "Maybe, but your compassion goes beyond mere attraction. Have you ever asked her on a date?"

Bristling at her blunt question, he couldn't' stop himself from thinking about what had occurred before Bodhi showed up at Rogue One. Rey had touched him, willingly and not in the context of their training. She had taken his hand on occasion, but when she had touched his chest it had been an all together different kind of touch. It was searching and flirty — not the touch of a friend, but of someone more than a friend.

Or so he had thought.

Before he had tried to kiss her, he had asked for permission. He had no idea where such an inane question came from. The moment had been perfect and he had ruined it. He had opened his mouth and instead of saying something seductive or witty, his nervous fifteen-year-old self asked if it was ok to kiss her, like they were back in middle school playing a game of spin the bottle. He was convinced it had killed the mood and then her boss had summoned her, leaving him with no chance of redeeming himself until later.

But when he had followed her out to the main bar area, took had been there and any chance of trying again disappeared when he saw the wannabe surfer being introduced to Rey. It had been the push he needed to try again and it had been well worth it. The kiss they had shared in the walk-in had been electric. It had rushed through him, lighting his blood on fire, and unearthing a craving he hadn't known he was harboring.

With sudden icy clarity, he became aware that night's kiss could be his first and last with Rey, if he didn't find a way to prove to her he wasn't trying to control her. Asking her out on a date didn't seem to be an appropriate course of action. It would be based on his desire to spend time with her, asking for more time, more of her charming smile. It wasn't based on giving her back her freedom, though, he supposed, it was her choice whether or not she said yes. But he knew Rey and he knew she would have a hard time saying no to him, even if she didn't want to. She would, out of some noble notion. He felt caught between two impossible situations and he turned his frustration on the doctor.

"I thought you were helping me with my anger issues not giving love advice?"

"This is your session. My role is to facilitate dialogue to improve your overall health and wellness. If you choose to lead the discussion down a romantic path, I will guide you, as necessary."

"I am not talking about this with you!" Kylo snapped.

"Ben, you are more open and responsive today than any prior session, which leads me to believe the relationship you have built with this woman is good for you, healthy even, and it has me considering writing to the court to inform them you are of sound mind and body." Dr. Kaydel Connix regarded him for a moment, pausing so he could fully digest her words. "Please do not give me a reason to report otherwise."

Kylo glowered at her, debating between a rude retort or asking for a new doctor. He was convinced Dr. Connix was younger than him, possibly around Rey's age. What could she know about his struggles? What advice could she provide him he hadn't heard before? She had barely lived.

"It seems our hour is up," she announced, before he could respond. "You have a lot to think on before our next session. I suggest you use the time wisely. Until next week, Mr. Ren."

Oh, now she uses my name.

After spending so much time with Rey over the last week, Kylo found his apartment felt emptier than normal. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't train 24/7. Without the rigorous exercises to keep his attention, his thoughts drifted to her face, dotted with freckles and glowing with smiles. Being parted from her felt painful and alien. There was a void in his heart, mind, and body, which he knew belonged to Rey. First she had gotten under his skin. Then she had burrowed herself so deep she had carved parts of him out to make a place for herself, a place currently unoccupied.

Like his apartment.

He had only been here to sleep, shower, and get fresh clothes. On one hand, it meant the cleaners had had a vacation of sorts. On the the other hand, it made his place appear to be uninhabited. The flashing red light on the top of his landline angrily beckoned him into the kitchen area. He made his way to the beacon, listening to the crunch of debris underfoot. The first voicemail was from his manager. As soon as he heard Hux's nasally voice, he deleted the message. He didn't bother with listening to whatever his manager wanted to waste his time on. He was sure if it was important, Phasma would make him aware of it. The message which followed Hux's, was one he could not delete.

"Kylo, I have identified an extraordinary opportunity for your return to the ring."

Anthony Snoke's cold voice filled the apartment without preamble. He spoke as though he was addressing a battalion of soldiers, not his proclaimed prodigy and star fighter. There wasn't a single hint of emotion in his voice. All that existed for the man was his decrees and orders, all of which, up to this point in his career, Kylo had followed dutifully and without question.

His mentor had not once called to check on him or see how his progress had been with his therapist. Kylo hadn't thought about it until now. The owner of the First Order apparently could not be bothered to call his prized fighter over such trivial matters. With all the resources at his disposal, Kylo wondered if the man even failed to have one of his assistants attempt to contact him. If they had, their names would not have triggered a response. He had most likely deleted their emails and messages.

"Oddy Muva has announced this is his final year. He has made plans to retire."

Kylo knew Muva from his start at First Order. The older man was a decent fighter with a few titles under his belt, but he worked hard for each win. He didn't posses the raw, natural talent Kylo had been born with, the talent he had seen in Rey the first time they had sparred.

"I have elected to pit the two of you against one another. It has a bold symmetry to it. Muva was once one of us. Now he will lose to us. It will be his career-ending fight and the start to returning to yours. It will be at Canto Bight Casino on January 1st. Happy New Year to the First Order."

There was a click, signaling the end of the message. Kylo saw the red light was still flashing, indicating at least one more message was on the machine, but he turned the device off. He had heard enough for one day. Besides, it was probably another call from Hux. He'd only end up deleting it, as he had with the prior one. Leaving the kitchen and the final unplayed message, Kylo treaded towards the back of the apartment to the master bedroom for a shower.

After what Maz had told him about Snoke, Kylo had distanced himself from his employer. It hadn't been difficult. Snoke was not the type to hover and he had had an attractive distraction. He had willingly turned his focus to Rey. His vow to keep her safe had kept him from delving too deep into the implications Maz had made about his mentor. While he hated to admit it, he believed the old woman.

He had seen Snoke manipulate other young fighters, coax them to join the First Order and then unceremoniously toss them aside when they encountered an injury or slight breach of contract. The end result was always a win for Snoke, regardless if he lost a fighter. His legal team was one if he best and as such had written airtight clauses around the length of the fighter's responsibilities to the First Order. If they couldn't uphold their contract, the penalty fees were astronomical. More than one had been forced into bankruptcy, while the First Order flourished, unaffected.

Kylo's contract was a sore point. Despite his aversion to his family, he had consulted a long-time family friend when it came to signing with the team. The same legal guidance which had assisted him when he had filed for emancipation from his parents — Lor San Tekka.

Tekka had been the most sought after lawyer in the country. He had made an impressive living from his court battles, which were practically all victories. Of the handful of battles the elderly man had lost, his dispute over Kylo joining the First Order was one of them.

Lor had operated under the false pretense that after spending enough time with Luke, Kylo would return to his home, honor his parents by continuing one or both of their legacies. It had disappointed him to see Kylo become a professional fighter, as his grandfather and uncle had.

Despite that, Tekka had provided his guidance when Kylo's contract had been drawn up. Kylo assumed it was more from Leia's pleading than his own. In either case, his contract had been built on agreed upon terms instead of solely on Snoke's whims.

Reflecting on his decision to bring Lor into the fold, he was grateful. Unlike other young fighters Snoke had misguided, Kylo had options. He wasn't limited to working for the First Order, though he couldn't imagine where else he would fit. All clubs wanted victors, but few would gamble on someone his age, especially with his recent suspension brining his anger into consideration. His outburst had once been a draw for the media. However, after his last altercation, he was seen more as a rabid dog than a petulant adolescent.

Kylo stepped into his shower, letting the now scalding water hit his weak body. There were few options for a washed-up fighter. Teaching was one. He couldn't wrap his mind around limiting himself to an endless cycle of runny-nosed children and selfie requests from the soccer mom crowd.

Another option was working as a stuntman. Kylo had had several offers for commercials, TV spots, and film cameos in the past. The transition into becoming a stunt double wouldn't be terribly difficult. Unlike the ring, making a mistake on set wouldn't cost him a fight. It could very well cost him his life. With the growing attraction to bigger special effects involving explosions, flame-throwing pyrotechnics, and death-defying leaps, the risks were quite high. The true deterrent was the fact he wouldn't be recognized for any of his endeavors. The lead actor would.

Some of his former teammates had gone on to do public speaking, but Kylo hated people and didn't have the charisma to make a career out of it. That meant becoming an analyst or announcer for future fights was out too. Starting a business, such as a clothing line or brand of workout supplements, sounded ridiculous. It was all a marketing scheme, anyway.

Starring in video games was an interesting option. Phasma had brought it up once. He hadn't given it much thought then, but now it was at the top of his list. He could do all the work behind the scenes with the developers and still receive a fat paycheck at the end. It would keep his name in the fighting community for a few more years. Plus, he wouldn't have to relocate. He'd need to travel back and forth a few times for when they needed to map his forms, but there was no need for him to move.

And we have a winner.

Kylo knew he should feel happy or at least relieved he had a back-up plan. After years of telling himself he'd wait to decide until he was ready for retirement, he had come to a decision. Whether he decided to return to the ring at the turn of the new year or not, he knew what his choices were. The recognition of him having a choice, where others at the First Order didn't, brought him back to Rey.

He pictured her betrayed expression, when she had confronted him about purchasing the mattress. He struggled to understand how she could view him buying her a bed as an attempt to control her. His initial plan may have hinged on him forcing her out, which had turned into him molding her into his perfect counterpart, but he had never meant to force anything on her. From the instant he saw the fire in her, the true warrior, he had been captivated by her. Diminishing her light was not what he wanted. When he noted the parallels between him and Plutt, it had disgusted him to the point where he had debated being in her life at all.

The ultimate decision to pursue her hadn't been made lightly. Kylo had teetered back and forth, weighing the words of his uncle, Cassian Andor, and Maz before he allowed himself to fully commit to the idea of having a relationship with her. Though he tried to convince himself otherwise, there really wasn't a decision to be made. She already had him. Everything about her had drawn him in. All he wanted to do was make sure she was happy and well taken care of.

From what he had derived from other relationships he had seen, that translated to showering her with expensive gifts. Dr. Connix had confirmed otherwise. Rey didn't want luxury bags or shoes like most women apparently did. If that was the case, he could care less, but he had assumed she'd at least want nice necessities, such as a mattress. Considering her upbringing, or lack thereof, he had only wanted to ensure she had a stable, comfortable home. She deserved to feel safe and secure. What she truly deserved was so much more than that, but at the very least, she needed to have a cozy place to live. She couldn't be angry with him for wanting to give her that.

He had been wrong.

The disappointed expression she had worn, when she tried to explain her reasoning to him, had cut deep. He barely heard a word of what she said because he had been so focused figuring out how he let her down. She looked as though she was on the verge of tears and slapping him all at once. He had been about to pull her to him and kiss her before she could do either.

But then she had tore into him. She yelled at him, saying he wasn't her boyfriend. It had sliced him to the core, shattering the warm cocoon he had built around himself with every moment they had shared over the last week. Her words hurt more than any hit he had ever taken in the ring. Hearing her tell him there was nothing between them, destroyed him. It was ironic, really, since he had vowed to destroy her the day he met her. Now he knew what his uncle had meant when he had warned him.

This is not going to go the way you think.

It hadn't.

The water ran cold, startling him. He had been standing in the same spot within his shower for far too long. His fingers and toes were pruning.

Exiting the bathroom, which was filled with steam from his prolonged shower, Kylo moved into the bedroom. It had been only time this week he had donned an outfit other than training wear. He had not wanted to give Dr. Connix a reason to provide any negative feedback to the league, which could be detrimental to his return, if he decided he would return.

Standing in front of his wardrobe, he was at a loss. None of his garments appealed to him. There was no reason to dress nice. He had no one to impress, no one whose role was to judge his mental state. He could parade around his apartment in his sweats and wait until tomorrow to go through his intense routine once more.

A brief glance up in the mirror shot the notion out of his mind. There were dark rings under his eyes, making his normal pallor appear even paler. He hadn't shaved, causing his facial hair to appear more unkempt than alluring. He sighed.

Sulking around his apartment and living the remainder of his days in athletic gear would not give Rey a reason to speak with him. He needed to clear his head, then focus on what Dr. Connix has suggested. Though he didn't want to admit the youthful doctor knew anything, her point had been made. If he wanted Rey to talk to him again, he needed to take action.

Kylo returned to the bathroom. It took several minutes to clear out the steam and unfog the mirror. After several minutes more, he once again stood before his wardrobe, trimmed and not as shabby.

He put on a pair of dark, designer jeans, a loose fitting black t-shirt. Socks and shoes came next, followed by a Cartier watch. Running a hand through his damp hair, he surveyed his improved reflection. It was a far cry from being perfect, but it was a vast improvement from before.

All dressed up with no place to go, he thought sullenly.

It was early enough to still be light out. Kylo decided a walk would get him out of his headspace and his apartment, effectively breaking his cycle of sulking. Grabbing his cell phone, wallet, and keys, he took the elevator down to the ground floor.

The air outside was fresher than the stale recycled air of his building. It had a crispness to it, despite the rising summer heat. Without a destination in mind, he meandered down the street, allowing his thoughts to wander as aimlessly as his body.

His classes had been going well. The older students were mature enough to handle the specialized training he had been providing. His style was stricter than Rey's or his uncle's, yet his methods proved to turn out excellent results. Those who participated in his sessions were becoming stronger and more skilled.

Regardless of his thoughts on teaching long-term, he had grown to admire how the students had developed in the short time he had guided them. Of course, not one of them was able to match Rey's talent or her ability to absorb any technique he taught her.

It didn't surprise him his thoughts had circled back to her. His fall out with her was the problem he had wanted clarity on. Finding a resolution was his main goal, as he continued along the sidewalk.

Dr. Connix had told him he needed to show her she still had her freedom and the power to choose. Kylo was struggling with how to demonstrate that, especially given the fact Rey was actively avoiding him. Though, in her defense, he hadn't reached out or tried to catch her at the academy.

Options came and went. Nothing fit. The sky was beginning to darken and he took it as a sign to return to his building. He was rounding the corner, in the direction of his building, when a familiar voice reached his ears.

"Ben?"

A/N: Hmmmm...I wonder who that could be? Thanks for not murdering me after the ending of the last chapter. I am a firm believer in HEA, so just be patient please. As an added bonus, please check out the absolutely gorgeous artwork by PandaCappucino of the kiss from Chapter 14. It is now up on my tumblr page for your viewing pleasure. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST! This was a commission for the story and I'd appreciate no one stealing this piece of art from myself or the creator, who worked very hard on crafting this piece. Thank you.

Thank you again to AbyssalSpark who caught a part in this chapter where I forgot to transition between scenes. This is what happens when I write on my phone.