She's not used to being the aggressor, but she shifts position suddenly, coming up on her knees and facing him. Her hands grasp either side of his face. "You're sure of this?"

"Yes." She's surprised at just how firm the word is.

And then she kisses him. It's different this time, with no one looking on, no feeling of getting caught, of others seeing her feelings on the surface. Here it no longer matters. She can throw herself into the kiss, and this time when she swipes her tongue across the seam of his lips, he responds.

His mouth opens on a soft groan and then his tongue is touching hers and there's the soft slide of tongues and warm heat of their mouths as they meld together. Her hands come up to properly tangle in all that glorious hair of his and it's just as thick and soft as it looks. She had wondered, for a time at least, if he had somehow styled it with some sort of product. It looks so perfectly and artlessly tousled.

But no. There's no product. His hair is just that perfect.

She won't let the jealousy get the better of her, so instead deepens the kiss, nipping at his lower lip and reveling in the tiny, amazed sounds he's making. When she pulls away, he groans. "Shhhh," she says, putting a finger to those generous lips of his. "We have to be quiet."

It's a stark reminder of just what's on the line.

If they're caught…

Well, there's no use thinking about that.

Not right now.

He doesn't say anything, instead pulling her back in for another kiss. And then he's trailing kisses down her jaw, pressing one to the underside of her jaw, and nipping at her neck.

"Oh fuck," Rey says and she has to clamp a hand over her mouth. He's a fast learner, the bastard.

"Shhh," he says and she can feel the smile against her neck. "Is this ok?"

"God, yes."

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain," he says and then has the gall to laugh. He returns to her neck, biting and then laving it with his tongue and just how the fuck did he know to do that? She has no idea she says it out loud until he responds to the thought. "I might have done some research. You know, just in case…" He sounds almost embarrassed.

What guy researches sex? Apparently the nerdy loner with a body of steel and nothing better to do.

She's never been so thankful in her life. "You're such a nerd."

"I've been told that before."

"It's not a bad thing," she says, her hand tracing down his neck, across his pecs and to the abs that she cannot believe this man has. Jesus fucking Christ. He's ripped and she wants to ask what he does to maintain a body like that but that seems entirely unimportant at the moment. Instead, she pushes the blanket away from him. And fuck she's really going to have to try this again in the light. She wants to see him.

But since she can't, no sense in waiting for anything. She shifts then and straddles him, her legs coming down on either side of bare legs. He's not naked, she realizes. But he's wearing nothing more than a pair of boxers. She can feel the hard length of him pressing up against her through the thin pajamas she's wearing.

"Fuck, Rey," he mutters.

"That's the plan," she says as she kisses him again, grinding down onto him.

"I can't…"

She pulls herself up. "Sorry. First time, right?"

"Right. Unless you want this all over with before it begins, maybe doing that isn't such a good idea?"

"Probably not." But just for good measure, she grinds against him one more time, and is rewarded with a lovely far too loud groan.

"Shhh," they both say and then laugh. Laughter is good. She likes this. She can't remember ever laughing during sex before. It was either a pathetically quick fuck that left her unsatisfied or, there was that one time when he insisted it was meaningful and she wasn't allowed to enjoy it. She had to be serious the whole time.

He kisses her again and his hands trace down the side of her arms. "Can I?" he asks, reaching down to toy with the edges of her pajama top.

She doesn't wait for him, instead, reaching down and pulling the top off herself. She flings it across the room somewhere and cringes when she hears it topple something over. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

His hands as they come up to cup her breasts are shaking just a little and she puts hers over his, steadying him, moving one thumb to her nipple and allowing him to explore there. She wants to apologize for them, for how small they are. His hands dwarf her. They're ridiculously large around her, her breasts less than a handful for someone with hands like his. But then he leans his head down and there's a ghosting of his breath across one hard peak.

And then he wraps his lips around her nipple, sucking it into his mouth. She starts to moan at the sensation, clamping her teeth down on her bottom lip to stop it before she gets too loud.

To be honest, she doesn't know if she's a loud lover. She doesn't know if she screams as she comes, if she's the type to moan loudly or talk dirty. Everything she's done so far has been entirely faked. It's perhaps the saddest thing of her life. She has some experience, but it's all just been bad.

This is not bad.

This is amazing.

Thank fucking God for research nerds.

He nibbles at her and she wonders just how she was supposed to help him be the non-clueless one again. It's crazy how well he seems to read her, like he was somehow made just to please her. It's glorious and she loves the way he thumbs at one nipple while his mouth teases the other.

She could almost come just from that alone.

"Fuck," he says as she tugs at his hair and pulls his mouth back up to hers.

And then he moves suddenly, grabbing her tightly and twisting, turning her so she's flat on her back on his bed and he's above her.

"God, I want to see you," he mutters.

"Next time." She's still a little breathless from the way he took charge of the situation. "The light…"

"Right." They'll see it. And if someone thinks he's awake and decides to visit, well, that wouldn't go so well. Not for him or for her and certainly not for Poe. And while maybe this situation has gotten crazy out of control, she loves her friends. She doesn't want to cause strife for them.

He leans down and she can feel his hair brush across her skin as he takes one of her nipples into his mouth again. "Is this ok?" he asks around it and she laughs at the feel of his breath across her, the hum of his words near her skin.

"More than ok," she just barely gets out.

"Good." And he continues.

"Aren't I supposed to be teaching you?"

He releases the nipple he's been suckling with a pop. "Who says I need a teacher?"

"Cheeky," she says with a laugh. He runs his face across her stomach, nuzzling at her with his long nose, occasionally biting lightly or pressing open-mouthed kisses to the skin he finds there.

He stops his ministrations when he gets to the waistband of her pants. She can see his face turned up toward her in the darkness. And then he tugs at the band with his teeth, pulling it slightly away from her skin. His teeth scrape her belly as he does it and she can't help the little shudder that passes through her.

He releases the pants. "You like this?"

She can't even get words out, instead reaching out a hand to tangle in his hair, brushing it back from his forehead. "Ben?" she finally says.

"Yeah?"

"Are we…" She pauses, not sure what she means to say exactly.

He slides up next to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in close. Her head comes to rest on his bare chest and she can't help running her hand over the smooth muscles there. He's so strong. And gorgeous. She still can't understand how all of this is a first for him. "You need to share with me your workout routine," she mutters.

He doesn't respond, just tightens his hold on her a little.

He's waiting, she realizes. Waiting for her to say whatever it is she intended to say. Waiting for whatever step they're going to take next. It hasn't gone too far yet, hasn't tipped over into that place of where do we go from here. And she wants it to. Wants it desperately. Wants to feel him over her and inside her and to know he's hers.

It scares her.

Just a little.

"Do you…I mean…how far do you want this to go?" She cringes at the words. That's not quite how she wanted it to come out.

"You mean, do I want to lose my virginity to you?"

He's honest at least, which is more than she can say for herself over the past few days. "Yeah. I guess that's what I'm asking. That's kind of a big deal?"

"It can be. If you want it to be." And she's almost sure she hears something hopeful in those words.

"So this isn't just a 'I finally get to lose it' thing?" She means it to come out as a joke, but he doesn't respond right away and she can feel the humor drain right out of her. Oh god, what if it is?

He pulls away a little and tilts her head up toward him. "Did you think that?" She doesn't know what to say. "Rey," he says, and she likes the way her name sounds in his low husky voice. "I'm almost 30. I may not be the most attractive guy out there," (you're wrong on that, she wants to interrupt with), "but I'm sure I could have found someone to fuck if that's all I wanted. But that's not me. It never has been. Really, this isn't me. I don't usually feel any sort of attraction to someone I don't know that well."

"Me neither," she interrupts with. "I tried." She'll admit that much at least. She'd had a couple one-night stands. They were horrible and it didn't take her long to realize that sexual attraction was not something that just happened for her. For a little while, she started to wonder if she even felt it, but there had been a couple friends through the years that she'd been interested in and felt attracted to.

And then there was Ben.

"It just never worked for me. Why is it happening with us then?"

"I don't know," he admits. "But it is. And no, this isn't just a chance to lose it. I don't care about that." He tightens an arm on her. "I mean, I care about this. But just losing it? I've gone nearly 30 years without it. So it's not like I'm desperate to or anything."

"Good," she finally says. "Then let's get on with it."

"And there's that cheekiness again." But he does. Get on with it, that is. He's kissing her before the smile can even disappear from her face, and she can feel him smiling against her. It's messy, all teeth and tongues and laughter, but it feels good to wrap her arms around him and feel him come over her.

"Can I?" he says, fingering the waistband of her pajamas.

"God yes." And then his hand iis down her pajama bottoms. He softly runs his hand over the curls at the apex of her thighs and she spreads her legs, giving him some access to where she really wants those nice thick fingers.

He runs his finger down through the moisture that's pooling there. "Ok, this is where I guess I need a teacher." The last is said with a bit of a rueful sound to his voice. "Where…"

She first reaches down to shuck her pajama bottoms off. This is easier without them after all. And then she's wonderfully naked next to him, spread out on his bed and it's just glorious to have him there all attentive to her every need.

"Here," she says, reaching out to take his hand in hers. She moves it down to where she needs him, taking one finger and pressing it lightly around her clit. "Light, but not too light." She guides his hand, and even though it's her moving his hand, getting the pressure right, it's still not her finger and it feels lovely.

And then he takes over, experimenting a little. One finger, two, he teases around her clit without touching it. She spreads her legs apart and whines his name and he laughs.

"I showed you where…"

"I know," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her temple as he continues to tease, occasionally hitting just the right spot, only to move away again.

He shifts then, pulls away from her and slides a little down the bed. With both hands free, he's able to do more, pressing her legs apart while he continues to tease her. And then he hits that spot, and swirls his finger around it in small circles. And he uses his other hand to insert a finger into her. And, "Oh fuck." Her legs are shaking. There's this tightening inside her, back arched off the bed, and the slick slide of his finger inside her and the other on her clit sends her right over the edge.

She's not even aware she's made any sort of noise until he pulls himself back up alongside her and kisses her hard, swallowing any other moan she can let out. "That was amazing," he whispers as he pulls back from her.

She's panting hard, trying to catch her breath.

"Yes," she finally says. It's all she can manage to get out.

He laughs a little. "I did ok?"

And it's her turn to laugh. "Ok? I'd say a bit more than that."

"Good." And he sounds a little smug. He should be, really. She's never come with someone before. Not from sex, or really bad manual stimulation, not even from the really God awful oral sex that one guy had tired on her. She had faked it, but oh she had no idea how amazing it could be to have someone else's fingers bring her to that point.

Maybe she'll tell him…sometime.

Or maybe she'll just beg for oral sex. She's pretty sure those lips are made for it.

But not this time. This time she needs to make him come, she needs to feel him inside her, and so, a little giddy about it all, she reaches down to cup him.

He hisses when she does it, thrusting into her hand almost automatically. He's solid there, larger than she expects. "This is ok? You want to keep going?"

"God yes," he mutters. "If we stop now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die."

"No one ever died from blue balls."

"Are you sure?"

She snaps the waistband of his underwear against his skin and he lets out a hiss. "Want me to go google it?" She acts like she's going to get up, and he wraps an arm around her and pulls her back down.

"Not on your life, lady." She laughs again, still feeling carefree and warm from her orgasm. And then he reaches down and shucks the underwear himself. They go the way of her shirt and pajama bottoms. They can find them later.

And then he's gloriously naked. She presses herself against him, feeling the strength of his thighs, the muscles of his abdomen and pecs. She loves his strong arms and feeling small next to him, even though she's always been taller than average height. There's something to be said for being made to feel like she weighs nothing. He's able to pick her up and turn her effortlessly. And then he's there between her legs. Half kneeling, half leaning forward. She reaches down to touch him and for a moment she feels panicked.

"I'm not sure the condom I stole from Poe is going to fit." He's large, definitely larger than average.

"Is that so?" he says and he sounds so fucking smug.

"Oh my God, don't get an ego."

"So I guess that means I'm…"

"Yes," she hisses at him. "Can we not go there please? I don't want to think about that right now." He leans down and kisses her and she'll take that for his agreement. The last thing she wants to think about now, when she's so close to having him inside her, is any part of Poe's anatomy. "But that means we don't have a condom."

"No," he confirms.

"Fuck," she says.

"Are you.." he starts to say, stammering over the words. "You know…"

"On the pill?"

"Something like that."

"I have an implant," she admits. God, are they really going to? She's never done it without protection, implant or not. She doesn't trust that easily. "It's…it's been a long time. I've been tested."

"I've never…"

"I know."

They fall silent then and she takes a few deep breaths. She doesn't know why this is so huge. It's a lot of trust, allowing him inside her without a condom to separate them. "Ok," she finally says.

"You're sure? You don't sound sure."

"I've never done this before. I mean, without a condom."

He doesn't say anything. What can he say after all? He's not done anything, condom or not. She shifts, spread her legs a little further, reaching out to grab his hips. "I want to," she says quietly. And there's conviction there. She's certain, absolutely so.

She trusts him.

She can see him nod above her and then he reaches down and grasps himself. She watches as he strokes himself a couple times, and then tries to line up with her entrance. He pushes forward and misses at first.

He lets out a nervous laugh.

She leans up to kiss him.

"Let me," she whispers against his lips, reaching down to take him in hand and guide him to the right spot. And then he's pressing forward, inch by slow inch.

It's a stretch. Nothing like she's felt before. She knew he was big, but as he presses inside her, curse words intermingled with incoherent groans, she's never felt so filled up before. "Fuck," he whispers when he's seated inside her. "This is…damn. I…fuck."

"Something like that," she says and hopes the smile in her voice reaches him. She pushes at his hips, getting him to rock back a little, pull out, and then wraps her legs around him as he starts to move in her.

And it's glorious.

Absolutely glorious.

She can feel an orgasm building again, his cock hitting all the right spots inside her. She knows it won't quite get there, almost, so close but not there. But still it's a wonderful feeling and when he wraps his arms tight around her, his head pressed into her neck as he thrusts.

"I can't…"

His moves faster then and she wraps herself tightly around him, thrusting up to meet him, holding on as his thrusts grow erratic. And then he's spilling himself in her, his hands holding onto her hips with an almost brutal grip.

He collapses half on top of her when he's done, arms just barely keeping himself from crushing her. "Fuck," he manages to get out after a moment, leaning down to kiss her again. "That was…that was amazing…Rey…"

"I know," she whispers as he kisses her again. "I feel it too."

She hates the loss of contact when he pulls out, but then he flops over onto his back and pulls her with him. She likes this, the warmth of his body against hers, as their breaths settle, the sweat cooling on their skin. She reaches down and pulls the sheet over them both.

She can feel her eyes drifting shut as he brushes his fingers through her hair. Just as she's almost asleep, she hears him murmur her name.

"Yeah?" she just barely manages to get out.

"Merry Christmas."

She smiles against his shoulder. "You too." And then she falls asleep, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. And Rey realizes that it just feels right.

A/N: Thank you everyone so far for all your amazing comments! We're almost there. One more chapter and an Epilogue, posted tomorrow. Happy New Year's Eve to all my lovely readers!