Thanks so much to everyone who has engaged with this story. I was overwhelmed with support when I posted the first chapter which is great as I wasn't sure how many people would like to read about an angsty Christmas!
I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.
I opened my parents' front door and shook the dirt off my boots before I entered the house. The sky was full of snow, threatening to chuck it down any second. That had been the main reason I'd given up my search tonight and returned home. That, and the fact that I should spend Christmas Eve at home with my family.
"Edward, dear, there you are!" My mom came into the hallway from the living room and gave me a peck on the cheek, even though I'd seen her a few hours ago.
"Sorry, Mom, I had to...hey, what's the matter?"
My mom looked serious as I toed off my boots and hung up my coat.
"Ummm, we...we have a visitor." She nodded to the kitchen as I turned to follow her gaze.
I couldn't see far enough down the hallway so I turned to my mom, questioning her.
"Visitor?"
"Bella's here." My mom wrung her hands nervously, probably hoping I wouldn't lose my shit at this news.
I just furrowed my brows in confusion, not daring to believe my mom's words. I did not expect the next time I saw Bella to be in my parents' kitchen, on Christmas Eve.
I then strode down the hallway, needing to see Bella immediately.
"Edward…go easy on her, it is Christmas," my mom called but I carried on, pausing in the doorway when I saw her. She was turned away from me, facing the kitchen sink and I could tell the moment she realized I was here. I watched her shoulders stiffen and her head raise as she listened to my footsteps as I walked further into the room.
Fuck, what the hell had I done? She was so damn perfect. All doe-eyed and pink lips as she turned to me and looked really looked at me. God knows what I looked like. I hadn't eaten or slept well, in weeks. I couldn't find any peace, my mind was constantly racing with thoughts of Bella, of coming home, of seeing her again.
Now as she stood in front of me I knew how wrong I'd been. I knew I needed her. We weren't over. I needed us to not be over.
She closed her eyes, like looking at me caused her physical pain. God, I hoped I could fix this. She appeared so small and frail. She was thinner than I remembered and I hoped she'd been eating better than I had during our separation, but it was occurring to me now that she hadn't fared much better than I had.
Somehow, she started our first conversation in weeks by apologizing to me for being in my family home. I wanted to grab her, to hug her, to beg her, to shake her. She wasn't at fault here. It was me. All me.
I'd thought about the moment I'd face her again. I played it around in my mind constantly, but now with her sad brown eyes meeting mine, I froze. I needed to get this right, but all the speeches I'd prepared in my head and all the words I wanted to say to her were lost as we attempted small talk before Emmett interrupted us.
Emmett. I loved and hated him in equal measure.
Okay, so while I was spending today finally being open and honest I knew that wasn't true. I loved him and only really hated when he appeared in Chicago a month ago, ready to kick my ass. And, truth be told, that time he gloated when I missed breaking his home run record by one run in my last game of the season. Bastard.
I couldn't believe he'd dropped everything to fly to Chicago to check on me. At the time I was so furious I couldn't think straight, but now, with a little clarity, I could appreciate the effort and expense he went to check that I wasn't shooting up every night.
His timing couldn't have been worse, it was the morning after I'd sent that chick packing. I don't know what possessed me to bring her back to my room in the first place. I knew I wouldn't do anything with her. I guess it was just my way of getting those pushy freshmen off my back for a few days. If they saw me bring her to my room they'd assume things and I'd let them.
I'd slept in that morning, trying to waste away the day and hide from the memories of the previous night. Even though nothing had happened between me and her, I still felt ashamed and so far removed from the Edward that left Seattle full of hope and happiness.
I thought I'd settle in Chicago just fine. It's what we Cullens did. We went to Chicago to study and we did it well. Except, maybe I was weak or something because I missed my family. I missed Seattle and most of all, I missed Bella.
It was the incessant thumping on my dorm room door that woke me. Once I'd opened my eyes I focused on my discarded T-shirt balled up on the floor and tried to ignore the noise. Shit! This couldn't be happening. Whoever was on the other side was going to break through any minute now.
My first thought was that it was a brother or boyfriend of the chick I met last night. She knew where I lived, after all. I scoffed. I didn't live here. I existed. Although, I might not exist at all if someone broke through the cheap ass door and caught me lying defenseless in bed.
I headed the few steps to the door, stumbling as I pulled my jeans on while I walked. I looked through the peephole and sobered up pretty damn quickly when I saw my brother shooting daggers at the door.
Shit! What on earth was he doing here? Were Mom and Dad alright? I pulled the door open just as he was winding up for another bang to the door.
"Oh, good, you're alive."
He gave me a quick bear hug while I stood still, still processing the fact that he was here.
He stepped away from me and held me at arm's length, his eyes scanned my body as if he was assessing if I was still in one piece. His gaze lingered on my stubbled face. I was usually clean-shaven, but lately, I couldn't be bothered to shave, who was I trying to impress? Who cared what I looked like?
"I thought freshman were meant to put on weight, not lose it."
I shrugged. "We can't all be beefed up, ex-football players."
He gave me a sarcastic look and pushed past me, dropping the rucksack I hadn't noticed on his back.
"Are Mom and Dad okay? Ali?"
"Everyone's fine, Edward, except you by the looks of things." He'd immediately started looking around my room like some kind of police detective, eyeing my belongings like Charlie eyed me when Bella first introduced us. Bella. How did everything come back to Bella?
Emmett looked back over his shoulder at my bare chest, then at the T-shirt on the floor but didn't say anything. He just shook his head at me and continued scrutinizing my room.
"Why are you acting all bad cop on me? I have an actual cop I'm half expecting to turn up and have it out with me, I don't need you doing the same."
He looked back over his shoulder and eyed me silently before he continued.
"Don't worry. I think Bells spun it to Charlie as more of a mutual break up kind of deal, she knows he has contacts in Chicago, so…" He picked up my small contact lens box from my desk and opened it suspiciously, I'm not sure I'd ever seen him look so serious in his life.
Huh. I don't know what I was more surprised about, that Bella had let me off the hook with her dad or that Emmett knew about it.
"What, exactly, are you looking for?" I asked as he put the box down and opened my desk drawer.
"Drugs. Pills. Anything that would explain why you've lost your damn mind."
I shrugged. "Really?! Go at it, Em. You won't find anything." I laid back on my bed, my hands under my head as I stretched out.
Now I had a second to think, I was secretly pleased to see my brother. Jokey texts and the occasional FaceTime conversations were no replacement for the close relationship we had back in Seattle. I hadn't spoken to him properly about what happened between me and Bella. I knew I was being a coward, but I didn't want to admit to him how I felt. I'm not sure I even knew how I felt, myself, anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now...
Emmett continued to check my room, the window sill, my desk drawers, and the bookshelf before striding over to me. He lifted up the edge of the mattress while I was still laid on it. Strong fucker.
"Am I gonna find porn under here?"
I scoffed. "Who keeps actual porn magazines anymore? Can you even buy them, still?"
Emmett came up close to my face.
"Look at me. Edward, look at me."
I obliged as he checked my pupils and started to hold his finger out for my eyes to track. I slapped his hand away.
"Em, seriously. What the fuck? I'm not high."
"Damn." He sat on the edge of my bed and I sat up, swinging my legs onto the floor as I settled next to him.
He bumped my shoulder with his. "I thought for sure this was my chance to become Mom's favorite son." He laughed, finally finding humor in the situation.
I silently smiled and shoulder bumped him back.
"So if you're not drugged up...why are you acting so weird?"
"I'm not acting weird. I'm settling into college life. I don't think I'd be doing a good job of that if I was calling Mommy and Daddy every night, do you?"
Emmett nodded. "I guess not. So, where is she?"
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Who?"
"Whoever you dumped Bella for."
His words bruised me, they were so harsh. And inaccurate.
"What?" Did he really think that?
"Edward, you don't have to lie to me…" his voice had calmed now and he sounded sympathetic as he rested his hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged him off. "I'm not lying." My tone was forceful but he wasn't understanding.
"I get it. You're gonna lie low and not introduce her to anyone for a while, it's considerate of you, really, but I'm your brother, you can tell me."
"Emmett, I'm serious, there is no girl." I was struggling to control my temper now, he wasn't listening to me.
Emmett stood up and spun around to confront me. "Jesus, you're infuriating!"
"Me?" I stood up and went chest to chest with him, we might not be a similar build, but we were a similar height. "You're the one turning up here like the fucking DEA!"
"Okay..." Emmett took a step back, lowering the tension and relenting slightly. "...say I believe you about the drugs and the girl...why the fuck did you break up with Bella?"
"Because…" I fell silent and Emmett continued to glare at me.
"Because?" He shrugged, indicating he didn't understand.
That made two of us. "Because...I...I wanted options." I couldn't meet his eyes, my reason sounded so feeble when I finally voiced it out loud.
"Options?"
"Yeah. Options."
"Huh… you wanted options, but you're not using those options to get laid by some hot chicks now that you're single?"
I shook my head at him and didn't answer, partly because it was none of his damn business, but mainly because the answer would be a pathetic 'no'.
Emmett tutted at my silence before he turned around decisively and patted his pockets, presumably for his belongings.
"I'm taking you out to eat. I had shit plane food for lunch and you look like you could do with a good meal. Do Chicago chicks dig the skinny look or something?"
"I wouldn't know."
"But you made yourself single so you could find out, right?"
"Em. Don't." I ran my hand through my hair, exasperated at my brother's attempts to include Bella in every conversation we had.
"Don't what? I'm trying to understand. Don't ask how you are or don't ask why you've lost your damn mind?"
"Either," I growled at him.
We left my dorm and walked in companionable silence, side by side, heading for the cafe that apparently served the 'best damn steak in the city'. I thought Chicago was known for pizza, trust Emmett to make me eat steak, instead.
I was pissed at Emmett for turning up here and seeing straight through me and calling me out on the mess I was becoming. I didn't want to be mad, I wanted to enjoy my time with my brother but he was so damn perceptive I couldn't hide anything from him and in the process, he was making me face my own thoughts and feelings, in a way I'd put off doing for weeks.
Emmett, oblivious to my thoughts, suddenly spoke up. "What would you say if I'd seen Bella and Riley Biers together in the diner…"
He didn't finish his sentence. I grabbed a fist full of his shirt and slammed him against the nearest wall, a hairdressers we were walking past.
"Ooof!" The air left his lungs as I'd caught him off guard. He was twice the build of me so there was no way I'd usually be able to throw him around like that.
"What did you say?" I growled at him but he recovered quickly, regaining the upper hand and pushing me off him.
That would have been the end of our tussle but Emmett unintentionally pushed me right into a street light pole which caught my eye socket at just the right angle to fucking hurt.
"Fuck!" I grabbed my eye and stumbled to right myself.
Emmett looked apologetic but on guard as he watched my next move.
I held up my hands in surrender, I wasn't going to fight him over this.
He approached me cautiously, like a zookeeper approaching a tiger. "Shit, Edward, I didn't mean to hurt you." He reached for my eye, but I slapped his hand away. I didn't need him poking and prodding me. That shit would hurt. My eye was stinging and pounding as I blinked several times to clear my vision. I dabbed at my eye socket and removed my hand to look at it.
"There's no blood," Emmett told me. "But that's gonna bruise like a fucker."
"I probably deserve it," I muttered under my breath.
We were now approaching the cafe so we got seated at a table. Emmett ordered us a Dr Pepper each and used his sweetest voice to charm the young waitress into bringing us some ice wrapped in a dishcloth for my eye.
Emmett pulled out his phone and replied to a text from Rosalie, no doubt telling her he'd arrived and found his brother acting like a dickhead.
He placed his phone down and looked at me, scrutinizing my eye and the bruise I could feel forming there.
"Is she pissed you're here?" I asked.
"No. She understands. She said if Petey needed help she hoped he'd have someone to fly across the country for him."
I nodded.
"Plus, I'm headed back tomorrow. Some of us nearly thirty-year-olds have work on Monday." He teased. "Jeez," he continued, "what I'd give to be in college again." He shook his head wistfully.
"Seriously, Edward, this should be one of the best times of your life. If it's not then do what you need to do to get there because you'll never be this carefree again."
I was carefree?
Emmett continued. "Not needing to get up for work. Sleeping for a full night and still not getting up until noon. Do you know the last time I got a sleep in? Father's Day back in June. And, even then, I'm not sure being woken at 9 am by a knee to the balls actually counts!"
Our food arrived quickly, but I only picked at mine. I wanted to prove Emmett wrong and eat the lot but my throbbing eye was making me feel sick and I couldn't stomach a big meal.
"You'll have that hot beaten-up look about you. Wanna make up a story about your black eye? Maybe you got it when you were fending off a shark attack… or a burglar...no, I know you were saving an elderly lady from getting mugged...the chicks will dig that for sure."
I rolled my eyes at him, before cursing because that shit hurt. I placed the dishcloth back on my eye, pleased for the excuse to not meet Emmett's gaze. I knew what he was going to say next.
"Do you want to talk about what I actually said when you went all psycho Jackie Chan on me?"
"No." I don't want to hear those words ever again. Was Bella moving on? Fuck my eye socket was throbbing and I was getting a headache.
I think he got the message because he dropped his knife and fork and tented his fingers. I would have ribbed him about how much he looked like dad right now, but I was too surprised that he'd voluntarily stopped eating to get in my dig.
"Edward," his voice was softer. "I get it. I was single for college and took full advantage of that."
I scoffed but after raising his eyebrows at me, he continued.
"Your relationships are your choice. You don't interfere in my marriage and I don't want to tell you what to do or who to be with. If you don't want to be with Bella anymore that's fine and that's your choice. I'll support you and I'll get Mom and Dad off your back. I promise."
"Thank you," I muttered.
"But…" he continued as I sighed at him. "You don't seem happy, bro. At all."
I didn't answer him. I pushed my fries around my plate, looking anywhere but at Emmett.
"Dad was going to fly here, you know?" Emmett asked as I shook my head, not answering with a mouthful of food.
"I said I'd come. I said you'd open up to me more, tell me things you wouldn't necessarily want to tell your dad, but, well, it seems you don't want to tell anyone anything."
He looked hurt but I didn't know what he expected me to say. I wasn't on drugs, I wasn't sleeping around, I was just so wracked with regret and guilt about Bella that I couldn't think straight.
Emmett continued, "I can report back to Mom and Dad that you're alive and not on drugs, but don't expect me to tell them everything is great because I know you. You're miserable. And whether that's Chicago, college life, your studies, Bella...I don't know…"
"Em, I don't know why you have to report anything to them…"
"Really!" He picked up his cutlery again and pointed his knife at me while he spoke. "They're worried sick about you! You've avoided their calls for days on end. You look like you haven't eaten, or shaved in weeks and you did such a sudden one-eighty on your relationship with Bella that…"
"Would you stop talking about Bella!" I shouted as I slammed down my cutlery, drawing the attention of the elderly couple at the next table.
Emmett held up an apologetic hand to them and they looked away. He lowered his voice when he spoke again. "I can't even mention her name without you losing your shit, I don't get it. I thought I'd come up here to find you living it up, spending your student loan on cheap beer and hanging with college girls, being young, free and single. Instead, you're moping around like Bella's the one who finished with you."
"You've only been here an hour, or so, how the hell do you know what I've been up to?"
He finished his food and put his cutlery down, quietly this time. "I know the signs."
He took a gulp of his drink as I scoffed. "That's all you got?"
Emmett stacked his plate on top of mine and pushed them both to one side before he started speaking.
"How old were you when I started dating Rosie? Ten?" He guessed as I furrowed my eyebrows in thought then nodded. That sounded about right.
"Do you remember when she dumped my sorry ass a few months in?"
That got my attention. "No."
"Well, she did. I'd been out drinking with my friends one too many times. This time I turned up drunk at her house. Her dad was furious, she was embarrassed and...well, she ended it. Edward, I was a wreck. I didn't eat, didn't get dressed, didn't shave, didn't get up in the morning...does any of that that sound familiar to you?"
Because of the age gap between us I didn't really remember what happened, but now he'd jogged my memory I did remember him turning into a ghost for a while.
"That's different. She finished it with you." I said stating the damn obvious.
"Yet, I turn up here and it's like I'm looking at myself ten years ago."
We were both quiet. I shredded my napkin, dropping bits of tissue onto the tabletop as Emmett finished his drink.
"How…" I looked up at him and he met my eyes with a sad expression. "How did you get back together?" My voice was calm and quiet as I practically whispered my question.
To his credit, he didn't laugh at me or mock me. Instead, he rubbed his chin as he thought.
"I made her understand that I was truly sorry. I promised her I'd learned my lesson and things would be different if she trusted me again."
I nodded.
"And then I kept my promise."
I nodded again. "Well, I'm glad it worked out for you two…"
I shrugged my shoulders and added the shredded napkin to the empty plates, hoping this conversation was ending.
"It doesn't have to be over with Bella if you don't what it to be…"
I stared at him. I didn't like the way he could see through me and seemingly read my mind. I wanted to appear confident in my decision. I wanted him to think I had my shit together and was living it up at college.
So instead of listening to his advice, I bit back. I gritted my teeth. Clearly, Emmett wasn't listening to me so I didn't want to listen to any more of his relationship crap.
"I don't want to talk about Bella," I Informed him, not for the first time today, only just keeping my cool, worried the couple at the next table would confront us if I shouted as loudly as I really wanted to. "Since you're so determined to feed me, I'll let you pay." I slurped the remaining dregs of my drink before standing up.
"Edward, don't leave." Emmett pleaded.
"I'm perfectly happy, Emmett, I don't need you poking your nose in and judging me." I turned to leave.
Emmett sighed and stood up. He fished his wallet from his back pocket and threw some bills on the table before hastily following me out the cafe and down the sidewalk. He caught up with me in only a few strides.
"Bro, I'm sorry. Your decision, your life, I get it. Consider the topic dropped. Finished. Gone." He slung an arm over my shoulder and steered me away from the direction I was walking in.
"So...have you discovered the English pub on 42nd?" His voice was jovial as I looked at him confused.
"We just ate."
"Who said anything about eating? Thanks to you, I have a night free from my wife and two very demanding kids. First drink's on me, especially while you're cheap to buy for until you turn twenty-one!"
I knew he loved his family fiercely but still laughed along with his reasoning. "Lead the way."
The rest of Emmett's visit was fun. As he was a U of C alumni, he showed me the places he used to hang out in. As promised, he didn't bring up the subject of Bella again. I could tell he wanted to say something when a cute chick flirted with me and I shot her down pretty quickly, but instead, he just raised his eyebrows at me and started telling her how I'd rescued a cat from a tree and got my black eye in the process.
Having Emmett there reminded me of the camaraderie that was missing from my freshmen 'friends'. We hung out, but we didn't have that history, there were no inside jokes, no banter about things that had happened in the past and I realized, yet again, how much I'd given up in Seattle.
After Emmett's visit, I tried to check in with my parents more. I also made a few decisions that would change the course of my whole life. Unfortunately, those decisions involved temporarily disappointing my family. Again. Man, I hoped they wouldn't send Emmett back.
My dad had phoned me and with one word "Edward," I knew I was in trouble. This wasn't a friendly 'Hey, Edward,' this was his serious 'I'm disappointed in you' voice. Unfortunately, I'd heard a lot of it lately.
"Please tell me I'm not going to have to explain to your mother why you're missing your sister's birthday party."
"I can tell her, Dad…"
He sighed. "So, it's true. You can't come back, even for the weekend?"
"I've got so much work to do, we've got some rescheduled classes because of bad weather earlier in the semester..."
"I don't know who will be more heartbroken, your mother or sister."
I sighed.
"Son...is this about Bella?"
I drew in a sharp breath, I hadn't heard anyone speak her name since Emmett left.
I tried to hide my reaction from my dad so instead, I scoffed and ran my hands through my hair. "How do my rescheduled classes have anything to do with Bella?" I asked avoiding his question.
"You may have a perfect GPA, but don't get smart with me."
"Dad, please. I don't want to argue with you. I'll be home for Christmas. I'll make it up to Ali, I don't know what else I can do."
"Hmmm...well, you better. You know Ali likes to keep her birthday celebrations separate from Christmas."
"Well, it's not my fault the two are so close together, that's on you."
My dad chuckled. "If Alice hadn't insisted on causing a scene, as usual, and arriving a month early, she'd be a January baby as we planned."
I shuddered. "Eww, Dad, please don't talk to me about you and Mom planning...that."
"Yes, well...I need to go. Leave it to me to talk to your Mom and I'll leave it to you to make it up to Ali. Deal?"
"Sure, thanks, Dad."
"Okay, well I'm looking forward to seeing you soon."
"Me, too. I miss you."
"We all miss you, too, Edward."
"Bye, Son"
"Bye, Dad."
I had my reasons for staying in Chicago, rather than flying home for Alice's birthday, I just hoped once my family found out they'd understand, because, right now I didn't feel they understood me at all.
Now, somehow, it was Christmas Eve already and it was game time.
Standing here, back home in my parents' kitchen, seeing Bella again, I knew how thoroughly I'd broken us and as I stared at Bella, I was pretty sure I'd need more than a Christmas miracle to fix this.
What do you think of Edward? I think these two need to have a conversation...
Thanks to SarcasticBimbo for being my beta for this chapter, RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. Thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!