Thank you for your reviews. Let's get back to Bella and pick up where we left her in chapter 1...

I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.

I froze as I heard Edward's footsteps slowing as he got closer and closer.

Neither of us spoke as I closed my eyes, shielding myself from the inevitable, as I willed myself not to look at him.

However, I knew I couldn't stay like that forever, and part of me wanted to see him. Flesh and bone. My stomach flipped as I slowly turned and opened my eyes to look at him. Really look.

Surprisingly, he appeared almost as miserable as I felt. His skin was paler than I remembered, but he was still just as handsome. His t-shirt hugged his broad shoulders and clung close to his chest, just like I used to.

I knew his chest so well. I'd held it so many times, kissed it so many times, cried into and laughed into it. I cuddled up to and at times, shoved it in frustration. A chest I'd held as I rode him in the semi-darkness of his bedroom, a chest I dug my nails in as I came. One I watched heave with exertion as he approached his own climax. A chest I'd licked whipped cream from and drooled over when he'd ripped his shirt off after scoring the school's winning goal in the cup final.

I knew that chest almost as well as he did. Right now, I wished I didn't. I wished I could forget the small scar on the left side of his rib cage, the softness of his skin, and the small hairs that led down to the top of his boxers.

I shook my head as I closed my eyes. It was no good. I didn't even need my eyes to know what he looked like. My memory conjured up the image of his soft angular jaw, his muscular arms, his tousled hair, and his long legs.

When I finally opened my eyes, he was looking at me for the first time in weeks. My memory was too good, practically perfect. I'd remembered him almost exactly, except his jaw was now stubbled, making him look angrier than I remembered.

Or maybe he was just angry at me. His ex-girlfriend had gate-crashed Christmas Eve, one of the few evenings he had to spend with his family. He'd be heading back to Chicago in the New Year, his time here was precious.

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't know everyone would be here. I got the kids some Christmas presents before…before...I only planned to drop them off, but your mom...she asked me in and...well...you know what she's like. I'm gonna leave as soon as I can sneak away."

He nodded.

Huh. He clearly didn't want to talk.

"Okay...well…" I turned my back to him, readying myself to leave but when he spoke, at last, I froze. My heart sped up as my legs turned to lead, becoming so heavy I couldn't move them.

"It's fine, Bella."

I closed my eyes, trying to shelter myself from the emotional repercussions of hearing my name roll so effortlessly off his tongue.

"It's really good to see a friendly face."

I slowly twisted around, and my eyebrows shot up in anger. When I spoke, I made a conscious effort to control my disbelief.

"Is that what I am? A friend?" I scoffed.

"No, I mean yes...I mean..." He looked apologetic and immediately started rubbing at the stubble on his jaw, a trait of his that I knew meant he was nervous. "You're...we're…"

"Don't. I can't hear this." I held up my hands to stop him. To stop his placating words and sympathy filled tone. I didn't have the energy to listen to his reasoning and excuses again.

"Thanks for the presents, that was really kind of you...to think of the kids."

He could have let me leave, but he clearly wanted to talk. Not knowing when I'd get another chance to speak to him, I relented with a sigh.

I turned to face him properly, and the look of relief on his face told me he was pleased I'd done so.

"I didn't want them to miss out, I'd already bought them, so…" Gah! Since when did it become so hard to talk to Edward?

This was Edward! I could tell him anything. He knew all my insecurities and deepest secrets. But now, it seemed I couldn't make small talk with him without losing my train of thought. That was probably because I was trying hard not to look at him as the realization that he was really standing in front of me was just hitting me.

I'd spent so many nights wishing he was standing in front of me so I could tell him how I felt.

In some of those scenarios, I yelled and shouted at him, anger spilling out into venomous words. In others, I begged and pleaded for another chance. A do-over. A re-take. However, in most, I just asked him why? Why did he do this to us? Why did he break us? Why wasn't I enough?

Those words, all of them, were on the tip of my tongue, scrambled into one big jumbled mess, but before I could arrange them into a meaningful question, he spoke.

"You always were organized when it came to Christmas, not even my mom buys presents in September," he remarked, almost fondly.

"Yeah, well, I saw this toy plane Petey would love and…" I trailed off, realizing I wouldn't find out if Petey liked his present, I wouldn't be here to see him open it.

"Anyway, how's college going?" I asked changing the subject before Edward could feel sorry for me. I couldn't bear to see pity in his eyes, so I watched my fingers smoothing over the wood grain in the worktop as I tried to ignore the ache in my heart at how painful it was to attempt small talk with the man I'd shared my innermost secrets with.

"Tough." His word was unequivocal.

"Oh. Sorry, I thought...I thought you were in your element, finally studying medicine, being single and free to pursue whoever you want..." Despite the desperate ache that intensified every time I looked at him, I glanced up, watching as a face twisted in anger.

"Bella, don't." He closed his eyes and held up his hands, physically trying to block my words.

"What's so wrong with me speaking the truth? You got exactly what you wanted." I continued, unrepentant, lifting my head higher and standing up straighter as I stood by my words.

He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose as he started to pace back and forth. "No. No, it was what I thought I wanted."

I stared at Edward in disbelief. "What the hell does that mean?" I growled out as he stopped pacing and stood, closer to me this time.

"Edward, where the hell have you been? Mom's...oh, shit, sorry…" Emmett trailed off, realizing that as he'd come crashing into the kitchen in that overzealous manner of his, he'd interrupted something. He stopped mid-step and looked from Edward to me, and back again.

No one spoke. We could hear Burl Ives crooning in the next room about having a Holly Jolly Christmas. The cheerful melody was at total odds with the atmosphere that surrounded us and was crushing me alive.

"It's fine, Emmett." I turned to him as I spoke, turning away from Edward and his intense stare. "I was just leaving." I clarified.

"Oh." Emmett seemed shocked into an unusual silence.

"I…" I paused, wishing I didn't have to voice this out loud, in front of Edward, but deciding I had no other option.

"Emmett, I don't think I can face saying goodbye to everyone. Can you tell them all I left and I'm sorry?"

Emmett started to nod but then his eyes grew wide as he looked at something over my shoulder.

Next thing I knew Edward had grabbed my upper arm and was walking me towards the patio doors.

"What the hell?" Maybe I should have been annoyed at him for grabbing me. Maybe I should be annoyed that he was walking me away from Emmett, stopping me from leaving. But, instead, my arm was burning from his touch. I'd wanted his touch for so long that it was now clouding my mood. The strong, gutsy Bella wanted to shrug him off and walk away but the other part, the part that was still so irrevocably in love with him, was desperate to see what he was leading up to.

"Please, Bella." He was speaking softly even though his actions were strong. "We need to talk. I can't screw this up again."

"You get to decide that, do you?" I pulled out of his hold and crossed my arms over my chest. I knew Edward was stronger than I was and had let me shake off his grip. His eyes flitted between my angry face and my chest as it heaved in annoyance.

Emmett stepped forward and blocked Edward's path, eye-to-eye with his brother as Edward's eyes rose as they tried to out-stare each other.

I shouldn't have noticed how Edward stood up straighter, squaring up to his brother, breathing harder and tensing his shoulders. And I shouldn't have noticed how hot he looked, all riled up and angry, his temper reaching the end of its rope. I sensed that one wrong word would be the match that lit Edward up in flames.

"Edward, I've tried really hard to understand your behavior lately. We've all cut you some slack, we really have, but you need to calm the hell down," Emmett advised.

"I'm perfectly calm. I just want to talk to Bella."

Emmett scoffed and raised his eyebrows at Edward, calling him out on his lie.

Edward sighed, took a deep breath, and rolled his shoulders, loosening his fists and making a real effort to compose himself.

"Maybe check to see if she wants to talk to you first?" Emmett glared at Edward, not breaking eye contact with him until Edward turned back to me, his eyebrows raised questioningly.

"Fine," I answered Edward's silent question. I knew I needed to hear what he had to say. I'd regret it if I didn't hear him out.

Edward looked relieved and side-stepped Emmett, heading towards the patio door again, this time looking back to check if I was following.

As I set off, Emmett rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I gave him a small, grateful nod before I caught up with Edward. He was holding the patio door open for me, wanting to talk somewhere private, I guessed.

I couldn't blame him for that. His house was never private, and it was hard to get a minute's peace there. Ironically, that was one of the many things I loved about his family, their togetherness and closeness.

The wooden deck ran the length of the back of the house. It was dark outside, but I didn't need to see to know it had steps going down to the rest of the garden, a patio, a fire pit with a seating area, and a grassed area for the kids to play.

I closed the patio door behind me, shutting out the upbeat, festive tunes that right now were so at odds with my emotions. Through the glass, I watched Emmett run his hands through his hair, so like his brother, and then turn and exit the kitchen, leaving Edward and me alone.

I turned around slowly and noticed Edward was bent over, flicking a switch that lit the clear lights running the length of the deck railing. The muted light reminded me of evenings spent out here last Christmas, hugging a mug of hot chocolate and discussing how many desserts we'd need on Christmas Day to keep everyone happy.

I shivered, more at the memory than the cold air. Forecasters had predicted snowfall that couldn't be far away, and the temperature was certainly low enough for it to happen. My snowman socks suddenly didn't feel adequate against the almost-frosty wooden slats under my feet.

"Sorry, I didn't think this through, it's fucking freezing out here. Do you want to find somewhere else to talk inside…"

"It's fine," I replied. The only place we'd find to be alone in the house was Edward's bedroom, and I certainly couldn't go in there with him.

Edward nodded and turned to lean on the balcony rail, looking out into the dark garden.

I didn't want to stand too close to him. I didn't want to smell him. I didn't want to be in touching distance of him. I didn't trust myself.

So, instead of joining him, I sat behind him, on the small swing seat that was near the patio door, hoping the swaying motion would calm my nerves slightly. I wasn't expecting this tonight. I thought maybe if I saw him, Edward and I would exchange pleasantries, and I'd pick up on some aspects of his life from his family's conversations, but I wasn't expecting Edward to need to talk to me as urgently as he claimed to.

I lifted my feet off the cold deck and hugged my knees as the silence around us echoed painfully.

"Well?" I asked, getting impatient with Edward.

"I…I don't know where to start…I don't know how to say this…" He stayed with his back to me alarming me with his words.

"Say what?" I choked out, my breath a white cloud in the freezing air surrounding us.

I knew Emmett wasn't one for subtlety, so Edward's whole family would know by now that we were out here, and Edward would get shit for it when he got back inside. Whatever he wanted to say had to be worth risking all that.

My mind raced as I ditched my plan of sitting calmly and stood to confront him. He must have heard my movements because he turned to face me.

When he saw me hugging myself for warmth, he reached into a weathered storage box and pulled out a tartan blanket, passing it to me and waiting until I'd wrapped it around my shoulders before he continued to talk.

"I need to tell you that I'm sorry."

I involuntarily scoffed, making Edward pause, give me a concerned look, and then continue. "I got so caught up in college life, I can see that now. I wasn't strong enough." I looked at him dumbstruck at what he was telling me. He turned away and looked over the railing again as he spoke further.

"I thought I'd be better off single. College is for new experiences and all that. The guys were ribbing me, saying I was wasting my college life having a girlfriend back home."

I rolled my eyes. I'd guessed as much. Edward was a strong, independent thinker but I knew he'd want to fit in. Emmett had flourished at college. He'd been the ultimate man's man, and Edward felt he had a lot to live up to.

Edward didn't see my reaction, he continued to speak out to the garden, not looking at me.

"I saw all my new buddies being single and going out and getting up to all sorts. I…I couldn't do that, it was hard to make friends when we were so different."

My stomach dropped. I'd suspected as much but to hear Edward speak those actual words made me close my eyes from the visions they conjured up in my mind. Visions of him out in Chicago with friends egging him on to approach a hot girl or chat up some leggy blonde.

I lowered my face into the blanket, trying to clear my thoughts and shelter myself from the words to come. Unfortunately, that backfired because the blanket's cold, woody smell only reminded me of chilly nights gathered around the fire pit, laughing and joking together. I tried to push away the memories of his hand stroking my thighs as we chatted to friends and snuck a beer.

Edward was oblivious to the memories flashing before my eyes as he carried on talking. "I thought I was doing the right thing by finishing with you first and not cheating."

Edward's words brought me crashing back to reality. Into the here and now. I gasped, unable to believe the words he was saying.

"Finishing? Seriously? Doing the right thing would have been to never promise me forever, six weeks before you dumped me." My voice came out hostile, but firm. I was surprised at how much anger I felt. Edward might have thought he was saying the things I wanted to hear because I did want him to be repentant for the things he'd done. I thought, if he was, I'd feel better. But he was failing, and I didn't feel any better. I felt mad. Really mad.

Edward turned to me and studied my face. His was covered in anxiety and concern, but that didn't stop me.

I tightened the blanket around my shoulders, noting the light snowflakes that were starting to fall around us. They landed on Edward's hair, melting instantly, just like I did whenever I was around him.

"Really, Bella. I'm so sorry…"

"Sorry? For what." I was mad now as I stepped closer to him. "For fucking some other girl? Huh? For wanting her more than me? For promising me so much? For making me believe in us? Believe we were strong enough, then…" my voice cracked, and my words turned to choked, sobbing sounds as I stepped even closer to him.

I didn't even notice when I dropped the blanket. I didn't feel the cold as my clenched fists found his chest and I pelted him with blow after blow. I clawed at his shirt, jabbed at his chest, pulled and twisted the fabric that was separating me from him.

He wasn't fazed. He merely caught my fists, holding them loosely at first so I could fight off his hold and deliver another blow, but then he held my fists slightly tighter, just enough to stop my movements.

I froze so close to him. Closer than we'd been in weeks. Edward remained silent but held onto my wrists, reminding me of his strength, the feel of his chest under my fingers, the smell of his hair.

Him. Just him.

My breathing was ragged, and my chest was heaving, our cloudy puffs of air mixing together in the coldness surrounding us.

I wanted to hit him and kiss him all at the same time. I wanted to crawl up his body and hold him and never leave. I wanted to knee him in the balls and stamp on his heart as I walked away without so much as a backward glance.

But I didn't.

I waited for him to talk and say whatever he was planning to tell me.

Waited for him to deliver the final devastating blow to my heart. To break me. To take away any last shred of hope I was holding onto.

To tell me he'd moved on.

Part of me wanted to leave now, to never hear those words. If he'd been with someone else, I could never unlearn that information, never have any hope for us ever again.

"Bella…" his voice was calm and pleading but full of concern. "Bella, look at me."

It was only when I looked up at him that I realized I was crying. Thick fat tears were rolling down my cheeks just as quickly as the snowflakes falling from the sky all around us.

Mortified, I wriggled my hands free from his and swiped furiously at my treacherous tears, wondering absently how long I'd been crying and hoping like hell I would be able to stop.

I snapped out of my fury and backed away. Away from his perfect chest. Away from his shoulders, damp from the snow. Away from his concerned face.

Away from him.

I turned to leave. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look at him and want him so much but know that we were over.

Thanks to RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. Thanks Frannie Walsh and Sarcastic Bimbo for being betas for this chapter and thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!