A/N I APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING SO PAINFULLY LONG TO GET THIS CHAPTER OUT, I MEAN SERIOUSLY! ( I don't have writer's block, my writer just hates the clock~ l-/), but I've been SO BUSY writing research papers and stressing about life things that I just couldn't process thoughts into elegant (pffttt) words. I'm SO SORRY IT'S BEEN LIKE OVER HALF A YEAR! But I was frantic about now graduating and some serious life stuff like family members passing away and stuff! arrUUGHH! I write too much, I even had to split this chapter into two because I wanted to get SOME content out so you all know I'm not dead! And maybe I was subconsciously avoiding these next couple chapters because they're not exactly the happiest of chapters and riuehge excusesss!
Something inside Tooru broke at watching Hajime's expression crumble into pure fear and heartbreak. His crackling, broken voice calling out to him too much for Tooru to bare. If he wants to get out of this with the least amount of guilt possible, he needs to leave, now . Pride was the only thing keeping his tears at bay, his chest tightening by the second as he cut everything off with Hajime, walking away from their relationship. Tooru slammed the door to the locker room open, feeling suffocated - needing out now - not daring to chance a glance back to Hajime. He knows what he'll find anyways... His breath was shallow as he quickly strode down the hall, screwing his eyes shut tight as he begged Hajime to not come after him. Tooru's not sure if he could hold it together if Hajime chased after him and spoke in that awful voice again. (Though, a part of him kind of hopes he would go after him, if not to just give him another reason to stay.)
Taking in a nice lungful of air, Tooru held his head up high as he grew near the crowd of reporters who were being held back by security guards. Cameras started flashing as soon as he was within view, eager reporters all tripping over each other to be the first one all up in his face. Pasting on his practiced smile, Tooru slipped past the guards only to immediately have a microphone shoved in his face.
" Oikawa! Oikawa, where's Iwaizumi?" Wow, already a punch to the gut, pretty impressive. Making sure his carefully crafted mask was still in place, Tooru kept taking purposeful strides. He knows just how much you have to give them to keep them satisfied.
" He's still getting changed. I just have to go places, busy guy, you know~!" He chirped, feeling proud of himself for keeping such an even tone. If he didn't know any better, he'd probably fool himself. The next reporter elbowed their way to try and keep up with Oikawa as he walked.
" How's it feel to win with a new partner?" Pretty shitty considering it became the catalyst for the end of our relationship …
" Fantastic of course! I didn't have any doubts in our abilities~!" In our relationship, however … Oikawa flashed his usual peace sign and wink to further prove his point, praying that he can actually keep this up. Thanks to Hajime, he's forgotten how to fake a smile as good as he used to.
" Don't smile like that, it looks ugly. I don't want you to be fake around me. You've got no reason to put up a front around me. Your honest smile is so much prettier,"
Tooru winced at the memory, quickly schooling his features before anyone could capture it in a photo. The memory struck a cord, putting a crack in his facade as Tooru tried to keep everything together. He knows he's a ticking time bomb, just waiting to blow up, he needs to get somewhere safe. Somewhere he can break down in peace. Immediately his brain supplied him with the option of 'Iwa-chan's place', Oikawa wanting to scream. Damn it !
" Oikawa! What exactly is your relationship with Iwaizumi-san?" He could feel his jaw twitch as he clenched it, it beginning to get hard to breathe. Out, out, out, GET OUT ! The pain in his chest was beginning to get unbearable, his stomach churning threateningly as his stress peaked. Play it cool Tooru, here is not the time or place to freak out. Feed them what they want to hear and book it. Turning around with flourish, Oikawa flashed the best smile he could manage, tossing in a wink, hoping it looked as playful as he wanted it to be.
" I'll let you figure out that one~," Tooru teased airily, turning on his heel and using his long stride to his advantage. Now that he was free from the cameras, Tooru let his expression twist into one of frustration, slamming the glass doors of the rink open. The bite of the cool air outside was a welcome relief yet still didn't make it any easier for Oikawa to breathe. Hurrying to the curb, Oikawa held out a hand to beckon a cab over, managing to catch one in record time. He nearly ripped the door off its hinges with the force he used to throw it open. As soon as he closed it behind him, he fished out all the money he had in his wallet, slamming it against the clear partition. The poor cab driver startled, eyes growing wide at the sight of the amount of money being pressed against the glass. His eyes then rose to look at Tooru, filling with fear as he leaned away cautiously. Oikawa can't really blame the guy, he can only imagine deadly expression he must've had.
" Take me home, now , and step on it," His voice was worryingly low, surprising himself with the amount of rage pumping through his veins. Though, just underneath the burning rage Tooru could feel himself breaking apart at an alarming rate. It's not going to be pretty once all the anger leaves him… The poor cab driver nodded rapidly in understanding, pulling quickly into traffic, going a little faster than he probably should've been. Tooru can't blame the poor guy for being panicked after having a very angry man get into his cab and slam money against the partition and demand to be taken home. While the guy was panicked, he told him his address, getting more frantic nods. Too many emotions were coursing through him for Oikawa to feel guilty about scaring the poor man half to death.
They reached his apartment complex in no time, Oikawa throwing open the door and tossing his money into the cab driver's window. Tooru's eyes began to sting, his gut churning as his facade quickly crumbled. His breathing was shallow as he hurriedly dug in his pockets, a shaking hand clenching around the cool metal of a key. The receptionist didn't take a second look at Oikawa, used to his extreme emotions by now. Storming into the - thankfully - empty elevator, Tooru didn't waste time hitting the button to close the doors, jamming his key into the lock. One great thing about living in the penthouse is getting the elevator override key that allows him a one way ticket to his apartment. As soon as the doors closed and the electronic woman's voice announced that he was 'going up', Tooru let himself fall back against the wall. His shoulders were shaking horribly as he numbly watched the numbers slowly tick up. Sweat started forming on his forehead and palms as he struggled for breath, knowing that his body was going into panic mode. The glowing numbers started blurring as his eyes began filling with tears, his mind calling out desperately for Iwaizumi, wanting nothing but the comfort of his strong, warm arms wound around his waist. Tooru started to get even more worried as his legs quivered, starting to give up on the task of holding himself up. The last thing he needs is to not even be able to make it out of the elevator.
His body moved on its own as the door chimed his arrival, taking his key from the override to unlock the sliding door that keeps his apartment secure. Oikawa paused as he looked into the expanse of his home, his legs shaking when he took a hesitant step inside. He was immediately swallowed by the sheer emptiness of it, so used to being around Iwaizumi now. His own apartment felt foreign to himself. The lack of another presence was blindingly obvious now that he can't just escape to Iwaizumi's apartment to avoid getting lonely. He hasn't felt lonely since before he met Iwa… Then he just would fill the void with cheap sex and short flings that were doomed to fail from the beginning. It was a comfortable little routine he set himself in; Find a cute guy, wine and dine him, have his fill of sex, and ultimately be dumped because they just couldn't handle him honestly loving skating more than he loved them. He didn't ever have to feel anything but lust for them, it was always a clean break for him. After he was dumped he'd just simply start the process over again. Now… now it's different… Iwaizumi threw everything off. His perfect little plan to keep the loneliness at bay and keep himself from getting hurt is all fucked over. Iwaizumi made Oikawa feel and care about him, made him not want it to be a fling, but be something more for once… This is what he gets for caring…
A sharp lurch in Tooru's stomach had him running into the kitchen, tearing off the lid to the trash can as his body convulsed. His own horrible choking, retching noises filled the emptiness of the apartment. What was even worse was the fact nothing came up. He was just dry heaving, his body shaking as he sunk down to his knees. Tears burned at his eyes as he clutched at his chest, trying to stop the feeling of his lungs constricting around themselves.
" Stop it…" Tooru whispered to himself, forcing his body to take deep, calming breaths, knowing that he needed to calm down before he went into a full blown panic attack. Once he felt like he could actually breathe again, Tooru got back onto his unsteady feet, making his way back into his living room. It hit him that he hadn't actually ever brought anyone back to his own house. He'd always go to their place because it felt a little too personal for his own comfort to have someone in his place like that.
You were going to bring Iwaizumi back here though. You didn't even think twice. You wanted sweet domestic bliss with him, and now look! You fucked everything up like usual-
" Stop it ! " Oikawa clutched his hair, yanking sharply to get his mind from falling into that deep dark place he had kept himself from falling back into since middle school. His breath was ragged as he stared at his feet, torn between screaming and punching a wall. Maybe he'll settle for somewhere in the middle… Once his eyes landed on his coffee table, something in his brain clicked, igniting a chain reaction of pent up frustration. With a low growl, Oikawa grabbed the edge of the table, hurling it across the room. Magazines and papers and various other items went flying around the room, some of the papers fluttering mockingly around him like gentle snow. It felt good to take it out on something, and damn if he wasn't on a roll now. Oikawa reached out to grab the side table, tossing that as well, hearing the glass crack but not caring at all. His leg kicked out to knock over the recliner, a sharp pain running up his leg at the action, settling into a stabbing sensation around his already fucked knee. The pain made him stop, his chest heaving for air as he slowly looked at the mess he just made of his living room. If anything, it only ended up making him even more upset about everything. Tooru swallowed around the knot of emotion lodged in his throat, looking out of the floor to ceiling window in front of him as his vision blurred with tears. The bright lights of the city all swirled together into blurred patches of color, the rich colors of the sunset bleeding into it through the gaps in the buildings. Funny how he bought this place for the view, yet now all it's doing is reminding him how utterly and completely alone he is…
A rough, warm hand slid down the small of his back, stirring his consciousness from its slumber. The pad of a single, thick finger traced along the dip of his spine, sending pleasant tremors down his back. Groggily pulling his face out of the pillow, Oikawa blinked his vision clear with a confused hum. Hajime's never really all that touchy feely without reason. Though, it could be that he didn't intend for Oikawa to be awake enough to catch him lovingly petting him. He could see that.
" Iwa-chan? What is it?" He slurred, propping his chin on the pillow to get a good look at his boyfriend. His eyes widened a little at finally seeing Hajime… He was laying on his side, sweat pants low on his waist, one arm lazily draped across Oikawa's back, the other propping up his head. Those vivid hazel eyes of his were practically glowing in the dim light of the room, hooded and inviting. The raw emotion swimming behind them threw Tooru off kilter, not used to seeing that kind of look in Hajime's eyes.
" You're beautiful." That made Tooru pause, his lips parting in shock at the amount of honesty in his words, the affection in his eyes only adding to his sincerity. Tooru's face quickly flushed red, feeling flustered under that unrelenting stare. Hajime's hand slipped from his back, moving to caress his face, his hand actually feeling cool compared to his heated skin. Oikawa was beside himself as Hajime swiped his thumb along his bottom lip, rubbing it softly with the warmest look on his face. " I hope you get that. You're so, so gorgeous. You're so caring and wonderful when you let down that defense of yours," The relaxing, deep rumble of Hajime's voice shook Tooru down to his very core. " I'm so lucky to have you, Tooru," Suddenly, all the air in Tooru's lungs evaporated into nothing, leaving him gaping dumbly at his bizarrely romantic boyfriend. Hajime was haloed by the city lights streaming in through the uncovered window behind him, making him even more gorgeous than he already was. Tooru's eyes began prickling with tears, staring unblinkingly ahead as Hajime leaned in to give him a lingering kiss. With everything said, Hajime simply rolled over and settled in, leaving a floundering Oikawa in his wake.
"... That's not fair…" Tooru whispered once he remembered how his lungs functioned, still staring out at the blurring city. After a moment, he rolled onto his back, covering his face as he softly sobbed, his face still flushed with him feeling more flattered than he's felt in his entire life.
Oikawa rubbed at his eyes, his shoulders shaking as he let out pathetic sobs, trying to push the memories away. Sucking it up, he bit his lip to keep it from trembling as he stepped around the mess on the floor. Oikawa grabbed a bottle of liquor from his kitchen, glad that he saved it and managed to convince Akaashi and Suga that he didn't have a problem. It just so happened that he left out that he in fact used to have a problem with drinking, but it's not like he lied . What they don't know, won't hurt them , and is better for him.
" You shouldn't drink that much when you have practice the next day, stupid. I'm cutting you off - and no , I'm not going to change my mind just because you bat your eyes at me. It's for your own good, Space nerd!"
He winced at Iwaizumi's voice popping in his head yet again, wishing that forgetting him was so much easier than it is. Plopping down on the couch, Oikawa stared at the amber liquid sloshing around the bottle, trying to gather himself. He's handled breakups before! This is nothing new! It should be even easier since he's the one who broke things off! Yeah, he's over thinking this! All he needs is a good unwinding and some time to himself and he'll be fine.
With that train of thought going, Oikawa unscrewed the top of the bottle, already feeling a little bit better. Wrapping his lips around the bottle, he knocked his head back, welcoming the burn that slid down his throat. As soon as his lips left the bottle, a sob hiccuped out of him, tears quickly streaming down his face. Pulling his legs up to his chest, Tooru's body shook as he finally broke, his shaking hand clutching the bottle in his hand hard enough to turn his knuckles white. This isn't like his other break ups. This certainly isn't better than his past breakups. He hardly registered pulling out his phone or dialing, or pressing the phone to his ear, the booze finally hitting his head as he sobbed. The confused voice on the other line was a welcome relief in this mess.
" Kei-chan, can you c-come ov-ver? I-I need you, he-re, now ,"
He really has to pride himself on what a good friend he is. He's patient, he's considerate, understanding, he even lets himself become a shoulder to cry on. Though, that same sense of being a good friend also means he's at his friend's beck and call and willingly drops everything to help them in their time of need. That's how Akaashi found himself hurrying over to a certain emotionally unstable figure skater's apartment after he had assumed that him and Iwaizumi were probably having gratuitous amounts of sex. It can't be good if Oikawa is sobbing when he should be bragging about banging his 'insanely hot and perfect boyfriend'.
Akaashi nodded politely to the receptionist as he passed by, no longer being questioned about being here considering he's here so frequently. After being Oikawa's friend for so long he's gotten used to being at Oikawa's place nearly as much as his own place. He even has his own key ... Keiji let out a sigh as he jogged up the stairs, not having the elevator override key. Akaashi didn't bother knocking on the door before he opened it, hardly surprised to find Oikawa crying on the couch with his living room in shambles around him. He's actually surprised that he didn't trash his apartment sooner.
Without question, Akaashi started picking up the overturned furniture, bringing the table back from across the room, gathered up the magazines and papers. After he finished picking mostly everything up, he sat down calmly next to Oikawa, watching as he took another swig from the bottle in his hand. Now that Akaashi was next to him, Oikawa let his head fall to rest on Akaashi's shoulder, already making his shoulder damp with his tears. Vaguely Akaashi mused that he'd probably have disgusting snot and spittle on the shoulder of his shirt that he'd have to scrub out later, running a hand through his fellow skater's hair.
Tooru launched into explaining what happened between him and Iwaizumi and their break up, Akaashi feeling a little resentment flare up for Iwaizumi. He was worried this kind of thing might happen when he first realized that Oikawa was very serious about Iwaizumi. Though, he never thought it would've been Oikawa to break up with Iwaizumi … Not that he can blame Oikawa in the least. If he were faced with having to drag his relationship along and be brought into the closet, not able to even claim he had a boyfriend, he'd break up with the guy too. Akaashi isn't stupid, however. He knows there's another side to this story that he doesn't know. Iwaizumi didn't strike him as the type of guy who'd value his reputation above Oikawa's feelings. Afterall, Iwaizumi is the one who just about risked his life to keep Oikawa safe that night he was attacked. If he was so shallow as to rather keep up appearances versus keep Oikawa happy, he would've turned a blind eye that night instead of give people something more to talk about. Keiji watched sympathetically as Tooru sobbed into his liquor, running a soothing hand along the expanse of his back. When Tooru gets this low, there's no mere words that come close to helping him. What he usually needs in a constant presence to let him know that he's not alone and some physical reassurance. Keiji's never seen him this upset over a break up, let alone one that he broke off himself, not that it's surprising in the least. He doesn't have to have his talent for reading people to see that Oikawa laid himself bare to Iwaizumi to gain his trust and affection; it was deeper than he's let anyone go before. Akaashi will be the first to admit Oikawa is extremely paranoid and anxious and is in constant need of validation, which means Iwaizumi shrugging him off and being cautious in public hit Oikawa hard . Oikawa also is like a wild animal in a way; he'll shut himself up tight when he's hurt, to the point where it's nearly impossible to tell there's anything wrong with him. Who knows how long Oikawa has been hurting before he finally snapped.
Akaashi watched quietly as Oikawa knocked his bottle back, more of the amber liquid sloshing into his system to numb his pain. He couldn't help his slight wince at the sight, not sure about where his feelings should lie. On one hand, Oikawa is one of his precious friends and seeing a friend in pain makes him want to attack the nearest person. Yet... he can't help but hold out some sympathy for Iwaizumi-san. If he plans on trying to win Oikawa back, he's going to have a hell of a time. Akaashi can just feel how high Oikawa's defenses will be up once he pulls himself together. Every time he's seen Oikawa fall, he always gets back up with a frightening air of determination. Iwaizumi has his work cut out for him. When Tooru went to take another swig, Akaashi gently reached out, taking the bottle into his own hands, Oikawa not putting up any fight as Akaashi calmly set it down on the table. Tooru's eyes just stared pitifully at nothing in particular, looking like a lost child.
Right then Akaashi felt his phone go off, and after looking and seeing Bokuto's name, he felt like he knew where this was going.
From: sensitive owl
hey. where r u rite now?
Keiji's thoughts were now confirmed, seeing as Bokuto didn't add on an excessive amount of emoji's like the does typically, which means he's most likely upset. He should've guessed Iwaizumi's team would retaliate after their beloved captain's feelings were hurt. Sighing, Akaashi rubbed at his temple, wishing that it didn't have to come to this. He just wanted a nice relaxing night after a competition, that's all he asked for…
To: sensitive owl
Bokuto-san, don't. Everyone needs to cool off before someone does something they'll regret.
From: sensitive owl
r u at his place
From: sensitive owl
akaashi
To: sensitive owl
Yes. Just, don't do anything stupid, please?
He didn't expect an answer considering how everyone's emotions are currently running high, and no answer is exactly what he got. Letting out another quiet sigh, Keiji glanced over to the distraught skater, his red-rimmed brown eyes looking blankly at his hands clasped in his lap. Yet another flare of emotion went through Akaashi at Oikawa having been broken enough to look this vulnerable. He'd hurt a good number of people to keep him safe. If he was just slightly more passionate in his emotions, he'd probably be in a relationship with him. That's the thing about Tooru. He just has this… way about himself that makes the people around him feel so strongly for him. That charisma is just impossible to ignore. Keiji imagines that it's probably the same for Iwaizumi-san - at the very least when it comes to that hockey team of his, Keiji has the distinct feeling Bokuto would climb mountains to ensure the safety of his captain. With a bittersweet smile Keiji reached out, pulling Oikawa's head to rest once more on his shoulder, wrapping a protective arm around his wide shoulders.
" They're coming, aren't they?" Tooru's voice was almost startling, such a haunting whisper that the hair on Akaashi's arms nearly stood on end. Raising a perfect eyebrow, Akaashi silently questioned how Tooru could've known that there were members of the hockey team on their way most likely. The wry smile that stretched over his lips made Akaashi's stomach churn. " They threatened me a while ago, and if their mutual love for him is anything like I can assume it must be, there's no way they'd just sit there quietly. I hurt him after all…" Frowning, Keiji rested elegant fingers in the unruly mess of Tooru's brunette locks.
" They won't be hurting you. I can promise you that."
Soon enough there was a dinging of the intercom that could only mean trouble. Steeling himself for the fuckfest ahead, Akaashi calmly strode over to the intercom, answering with an even hello, greeted by the sight of a distressed receptionist. Just beyond the receptionist's shoulder Akaashi could make out the shapes of Kuroo and Bokuto.
" Yes, hello, sorry to bother, but there are two men here that are demanding to be allowed in-"
" We know he's fucking in there! Akaashi, let us the fuck in -!"
" Sir, if you don't calm down right this instant I'll call the cops!"
" Oh, why don't you shove it up your uptight as-"
" Stop ." Akaashi cut in, already feeling his temple throbbing with the future migraine he can be sure he'll have. His voice seemed to have the desired effect, Kuroo's cursing turning into sour faces, the receptionist's feather's still ruffled, Bokuto just looking twitchy and awfully nervous. " You can let them in, I'll make sure the neighbors don't get disturbed and that the peace is relatively well kept. They'll be my problem from here on out. I apologize for the trouble they've caused you," Keiji even bowed his head despite knowing full well that the video feed only goes one way, feeling bad that the poor receptionist had to get roped into this mess along with him. Turning away from the intercom, Akaashi ran a tired hand down his face, feeling much too young to be this physically exhausted by life. He'll go as gray as Sugawara pretty soon if this drama continues…
An insistent knock rattled the door in no time, Keiji cautiously opening the door, feeling the ill intent swirling around especially Kuroo. If he was a lesser man, he probably would've been intimidated, but Akaashi doesn't get pushed around easily. Leveling Kuroo with a firm stare, Keiji gripped the door tightly.
" Let's get this clear straight away; You will not - I repeat, will not - hurt Oikawa-san or I will hurt you. I don't care who you are. Secondly, when I say that it's time for you to go, you better go , or I'll escort you out promptly. Same goes for if you disturb the neighbors. I didn't have to let you anywhere near this building, I'm giving you a chance to say your piece so everyone can get out what they need to get out so everyone hopefully calms down. Is that explicitly clear?" Akaashi stated simply, fully prepared to bodily drag Kuroo out of here despite what he means to his boyfriend and Kenma. While Kuroo grumbled out an impatient yes, Keiji's eyes fell on Bokuto. He was clearly upset by everything, but true to form Bokuto didn't look as murderous as Kuroo. If anything he looked hesitant, like he's afraid of doing something to cause Akaashi to break up with him now. Said skater wasn't sure he really wanted Kuroo or Bokuto near Oikawa in the fragile state he's currently in. Now that he's up close with Kuroo - whose muscles are flexing in his arms with an obvious attempt at restraint - he's not sure this talk will be beneficial for Tooru… Bokuto took a step closer to Akaashi, giving him a sad smile, gently guiding him aside, Kuroo storming in.
" Who the hell do you think you are?!" Akaashi glared in the direction Kuroo's loud voice, already regretting his decision to allow them inside. A squeeze on his bicep brought his attention back to his boyfriend, softening slightly at the apologetic look Bokuto threw him. Letting out a sigh, Akaashi figured it couldn't hurt. Bokuto wouldn't let Kuroo take things too far, even if he was angry at Oikawa as well, since Bokuto is a good guy.
" Hm, I believe I'm Oikawa Tooru, last I checked," Came Tooru's haughty remark, Keiji and Bokuto walking into the living room in time to catch the way Kuroo's body went stiff with rage. Oikawa didn't bother meeting Kuroo's eyes, instead he just stared blankly at his half empty bottle, arms loosely wrapped around his legs. His lack of reaction seemed to only piss Kuroo off even more.
" Don't fuck with me , Pretty boy! I cannot believe I trusted you… Hajime is a wreck ," That made Oikawa flinch, his lips trembling oh so slightly. " I've never once in my life seen Hajime actually cry , but yet we find him crying in a ball on the floor after you dump him like the selfish prick you are." Tooru's hands clenched his jeans tighter, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. Keiji wanted to step in but knew that it'd probably just rile Kuroo up even more. " Iwaizumi trusted you! Iwaizumi cared about you from the very fucking beginning and you just led him on! Do you get some sort of sick kick out of this?! Is that it?! Because I sure as hell can't begin to understand how you can sit here like this shit doesn't affect you when Iwaizumi is having a break down! Did he really mean anything to you, or was he just another guy you wanted to fuck?! -"
" WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO ?!" Tooru's voice crackled with his yell, startling everyone in the room, his breath shuddering loudly, hands clawing at his knees. " What was I supposed to do ?" Akaashi's hands clenched at hearing his friend's voice waver so pathetically, wanting nothing but to pull him close and protect him from everything bad in the world. Tooru let out a weak laugh, running anxious fingers through his fringe.
" I don't know, why not have a fucking conversation with him ?!"
" What difference would that have made besides create more excuses," Oikawa's voice was void of any emotion, Kuroo lashing out before Akaashi could act. The tall athlete grabbed the front of the skater's shirt, yanking him forward. Bokuto had to wrap his arms around Akaashi to keep him from harming Kuroo. Tooru looked unphased, giving Kuroo a faraway smile, not putting up any sort of fight whatsoever. " Go ahead. Beat me up. It doesn't matter. I've already done enough of that to myself for it to matter what you do to me physically." With that said, Kuroo clicked his tongue, shoving Oikawa back onto the couch, throwing him a nasty look.
" I'm sick of you being so unaffected-"
" Don't you tell me how I feel ," He spat, cutting a look over to the still fuming Kuroo. " You don't have any idea how I feel . No one knows how I feel . I cared about Iwaizumi more than I care about myself. The person I thought I knew refused to so much as hold my goddamn hand in public ! How was I supposed to feel ?! How would you feel if the person you loved made you feel like your relationship was something that needed to be hidden ?! That it was some 'taboo' secret thing that no one could witness, that there's something wrong about it - about you ?! I was so careful , went so slow , held myself back from doing what I wanted to do, for him . I understood! I got it. Yeah, this was his first time with a guy. Fine. Cool. I was fine going slow, it was kind of nice. I tried so hard to find a reason for it to not bother me, a reason why apart from the horrible things going on in my head, oh god did I try to lie to myself ," The room was filled to the brim with silence, Kuroo and Bokuto looking dumbfounded as they stared at the hysterical brunette with his head in his hands. " You can't tell me that I'm not justified. That I didn't have reason to feel like he was ashamed to be with me. He called me his fucking friend on TV… 'He wasn't ready, I didn't give him enough time to adjust', how much time did I need to give him?! Two months?! Six months?! Two years ?! My entire fucking lifetime ?! I don't have the patience to sit around waiting on someone who doesn't know if they love me enough to be in a public relationship with me." Kuroo's gaze dropped from Oikawa, landing somewhere around his feet, his expression twisting into a troubled one. Clearly hearing both sides was making him try to piece the whole story together.
" So, yeah, I ended it. I walked away. But I refuse to have you come into my home and try telling me how I feel. I refuse to listen to you try to tell me that I didn't care when I'm the one who cared the most!" His voice hissed out, red-rimmed eyes glaring at Kuroo, tears beginning to fill them once more. " Do you think I like knowing what I did to Hajime…?! That I like that I hurt him?! It's killing me inside… I hate myself for it, but I refuse to let myself regret it… So go on, hurt me. It'll make no difference," Tears finally spilled over, Tooru's gaze not wavering as sympathy filled Kuroo's eyes, the last dregs of anger draining from his body.
A few tension filled moments passed over the four, Bokuto loosening his hold on Akaashi hesitantly. Oikawa and Kuroo's little stare down lasted a few fleeting moments before the latter took a deep breath, closing his eyes in a show of restraint.
" Don't get me wrong, I still don't like you for making our captain cry, this isn't me forgiving you in the slightest. I'm doing this for Hajime because despite everything, that idiot still loves you..." Kuroo mumbled, shoving his hands into his coat pockets as he began walking away from Oikawa, said skater wincing at the last verbal punch to his gut. " Come on Bo, I wanna stop somewhere on our way back," His tone was still bitter and made him sound like he was sulking - which probably wasn't far from the truth. Bokuto threw the sniffling Oikawa one last sympathetic glance, leaning in to peck Akaashi's cheek and give him a small smile, making the elegant skater's stomach flip. Akaashi knew that he needed to do something… even if he didn't really want to, but it'd be for the best… it'd be for Oikawa.
" Bokuto, wait," The hockey player hadn't even taken two steps away when Keiji reached out to grab his wrist, Bokuto's head swiveling around. Kuroo was waiting by the door, looking confused by Akaashi's sudden outburst, Tooru even glancing over. Keiji closed his eyes, taking in a comforting lungful of air to steel his resolve. When he opened them again, he found himself staring back at two honey filled eyes, a nervousness swimming within them. Knowing that Bokuto was sure to take his words the wrong way, Keiji reached his hands up to gently cup Bokuto's face.
" A..kaashi…? What's up…?" His usual booming voice was reduced to a mere whisper, it paining Akaashi to see his boyfriend like this. No, it can't change anything. This is what needs to happen. It'll only be for a short time. He made this decision the minute he understood the situation.
" Bo- Koutarou, listen to me. I think that it'd be best if we… take a little break of sorts…" Akaashi tried explaining calmly to Bokuto, watching the fear begin to fill those beautiful amber eyes of his. Akaashi had to react fast if he didn't want his boyfriend to spiral into the hot mess he secretly is. " Hey, hey, hey, hold on. I'm not finished. I'm not asking to break up with you. That is the last thing I want. I just think that we should spend some time apart while this whole thing works itself out. That way no one will have hard feelings. Iwaizumi-san needs you and Oikawa-san needs me, we both have important people we need to take care of. If either of us get frustrated, I don't want either of us taking it out on each other. We need to take a little time away from each other is all," Despite Akaashi's attempts at soothing Bokuto by stroking his face and holding him close, his eyes grew much too watery for Keiji's liking.
" A-Akaashi…!" Koutarou gasped, his hands coming up to grab at Keiji's slender hands, his lip quivering pathetically. Keiji just wanted to kiss that horrible expression away until Bokuto stopped shaking.
" Keiji… no. You don't have to-" Tooru's hoarse voice spoke up, Keiji already having guessed Tooru wasn't going to like Akaashi pushing away his boyfriend for his sake.
" No, I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for the sake of my relationship. I've made my decision." It was hard to keep his voice level and sure when Bokuto was quickly breaking down in front of him, but Akaashi wouldn't let it sway him from his resolve. Akaashi leaned forward until his forehead was resting against Koutarou's, lacing their fingers together. " This doesn't mean I love you any less. Don't forget that. I love you Koutarou, some distance won't change that anytime soon." Keiji whispered affectionately, pleased with the wet gasp Bokuto gave him in response, his eyes only growing more watery as tears continued to fill them. Akaashi's sure that this will be hard on the both of them, but knows it'll be worth it in the end when their bond grows stronger. Keiji closed the remaining distance between them, putting all his emotion into the simple kiss, feeling Bokuto's hot tears finally spill over and roll down his face. Bokuto's warm hands slipped out of his hold, moving to desperately grasp at Akaashi's hair, trying to deepen the kiss. For both of their own good Keiji pulled away, Bokuto's shaky breath rattling out of him in clear restraint to keep himself from breaking down completely. The hands threaded into his hair remained, Bokuto tugging his head forward to once again connect their foreheads. The warmth of his uneven breathing blew across Akaashi's face, his eyes taking in his boyfriend's face for the last time for a little while. His eyes were closed and tear marks left wet trails down his flushed cheeks, his hair its usual mess. Akaashi's gaze traced the curve of Koutarou's eyelashes, always amazed by how delicate and full they were for being on such a brash and loud person. It just reminded Keiji of how truly fragile Bokuto could be, the trembling hands in his curly hair only further proving his point. He was taken out of his musing when Bokuto finally opened his eyes, a bittersweet sadness lingering amongst the burning determination.
" Walk me to the door at least… please?" Bokuto whispered, letting his hands slip so they were resting against Akaashi's cheeks, the calloused fingertips a familiar feeling against silky skin. Willing a small smile to tug at his lips, Akaashi hummed his response, joining Bokuto in the short trek to the door where he put on his shoes. Keiji will never admit that the hand that was clenching the doorknob as he watched the two retreating forms of the hockey players shook as he caught his lover's eyes one last time before he was gone altogether. With a heavy heart, Keiji closed the door once more, making his way back to his broken friend.
" Hey, Kei-chan? Why don't you head home and get some rest?" Oikawa spoke up, tilting his head back to reveal a weak attempt at his usual charming smile. Akaashi had the distinct feeling that he shouldn't trust Oikawa even remotely right now. Before he could open his mouth to protest, Oikawa cut him off. " I've kept you up long enough. Go home. You deserve some rest. I'll be fine. You've had a long enough day without babysitting me through the night. I'm a grown man, I can handle a night by myself," Akaashi's internal voice was calling bullshit, telling him that he needs to be here to protect Oikawa from himself. He knows first hand how self-destructive the brunette can be when left to his own devices. Most likely reading how tense Akaashi had grown, Tooru let out a tired sigh. " Keiji, come on. If you keep coddling me every time that I get upset, I'll never learn how to deal with my problems on my own. I'm fine, really. I want to get over this on my own. You always tell me to take care of myself, it's about time you practice what you preach," He had him there, and he damn well knew it. Akaashi knows how disturbingly good Oikawa is with words and how he could probably convince anyone to do just about anything if he put enough time into it. He knows this, yet he found himself being persuaded by those pretty words of his best friend despite everything telling him otherwise.
" Call me if you need anything , okay-"
" Yes, yes, just go already, you're not getting any younger Aka-chan!" The raven haired man glanced back to the direction of the living room as he slipped his shoes back on. Dread swam in his stomach, but Tooru wasn't wrong . He knows he can't protect him from everything forever, but something just tells him that this isn't the break up Tooru should be left alone after… Steeling himself, Akaashi slipped out of the apartment and exhaustion immediately hit him. He's too young for this….
With a soft click Oikawa found himself launched back into the disturbing silence, his dangerous thoughts beginning to hum back to life now that he was without a distraction. Exhaustion thankfully seeped into his bones, making him too tired to bother dwelling on his horrible situation. Some sleep will do him good… yeah. Sleep. Maybe when he wakes up, he'll have Iwaizumi back by his side and this whole mess will just be a sick joke his subconscious played on him. Then he can get a do over. He can take a couple deep breaths and sit down and talk with Iwaizumi like he should've done in the first place.
Getting to his unsteady legs once more, Tooru trudged back to his room. It's going to be hard to get to sleep without having Iwaizumi's warm, firm body and strong heartbeat to lull him to sleep… His endless nights snuggled up to Iwa have spoiled him… With a heavy heart, Oikawa pushed the door to his room open, immediately freezing upon seeing the various posters on the walls.
" Man, what I wouldn't give to see what your room must look like…! Bet it just screams ' I'm a gay ass nerd and utter space trash'," Iwa tilted his head back so he could see Oikawa from his place sitting on the floor between Oikawa's legs. The light from the TV danced across his chiseled features, illuminating his perfect teeth as he flashed Oikawa his swoon worthy, charming smile. The corners of his eyes crinkled cutely and a single dimple in his cheek appeared as he smiled, adoration swimming in his eyes. Yet again Oikawa was reminded how pretty Iwa is, feeling his heart quiver and his face get steadily redder the longer he stared at that face of his. To cover up the fact he was affected at all, Oikawa shoved a pillow over Iwa's face, pouting when he heard Iwa-chan's muffled, gorgeous laughter . This man is dangerously good looking… Tooru is completely - hopelessly - in love with him...
What little piece of himself Tooru still clung to crumpled into nothing at yet another fond memory reaching out to slap him. Frustrated at the entire situation (mostly at himself), Tooru felt his emotions begin to fray dangerously, his hands bunched into fists at his sides, trembling with the restraint he attempted to show. It was far too late, however, his body lurching forward in a blind rage, tearing down his precious posters with vigor.
" I'm especially not having sex with fucking Luke Skywalker in a provocative pose staring at me from across the room,"
A broken cry cracked out from his throat as he continued demolishing his room, the posters now in a sad heap around the perimeter of the room. His desk was his next victim, all the items on top of it being thrown off in one smooth sweep of his arm. Really, it wouldn't be a surprise if someone thought he was either murdering someone, being robbed, or having some glorious rough sex with all the horrible crashing noises he's making. He somewhat registered the sound of something definitely breaking, too distraught to care. Tooru's frantic eyes landed on his board of photos and assorted notes and important dates all tacked together, his hand reaching out to tear that apart as well. It stopped short once his brain processed the images, the desperation to get every reminder of Iwaizumi out of his room stopped cold. Tears began forming at the corners of his eyes while his heart tore itself up even further.
Pinned up meticulously were several photos of the cause of his current distress… One was of him and Iwaizumi on their first date, another of Oikawa with his arm around Iwa's shoulders, a half smile on Iwa's lips, one of Iwa sleeping, one of Iwa engrossed in a movie, one of Iwa candid, smiling that mesmerizing way of his, one of him and Iwa kissing when Iwa didn't know he was taking a picture… Tooru's eyes last landed on the picture of Iwa curled up with Takeru when they had visited their families… such a short time ago, but feeling like a hundred years in the past. Tooru had to bite his lip to keep it from quivering as he wrapped his arms securely around his shaking frame. This isn't… this isn't fair ! Why does he have to be the one so affected by this?! He stood up for himself so he wouldn't get hurt , but yet, it feels like his pain was unavoidable…
Giving up on the failed sanctuary of his own bedroom, Tooru shuffled his way back out into his sad, halfway demolished living room. Red-rimmed eyes landed on the oh so inviting bottle still sitting on his coffee table. Well, that hasn't failed him yet…
All too soon Tooru found himself sitting on his couch with his knees against his chest, nursing the bottle as if he was expecting someone to burst in and take it from him. His swollen, bloodshot eyes were intently tracking one of the forms playing on his TV, the bright red uniform mocking him with its glaring reminder of what will never be.
" The Ryujin Nippon are looking to be especially strong this year with their newest member Kageyama Tobio entering in his second year. It's certainly going to be a good year for the team with their current record entering into their first couple games of the season."
Tooru felt his teeth start grinding as he watched the camera focus on the one player he makes a point of avoiding every time he turns on a game. Huffing in frustration, Oikawa tightened his grip on the neck of the bottle, knocking another mouthful back, his vision swimming slightly as he glared at the man still on the screen. Tobio's raven hair had grown longer, starting to get into his eyes. Idiot doesn't even have the sense to cut his goddamn hair or wear a headband… annoying.
"- A prodigy! Kageyama surely could be called the best setter in Japan-"
Tooru was seething , wishing he could get his hands on that little brat and wring his neck like he should've done back in middle school. Don't forget , Tooru thought bitterly as he watched the doe eyed Kageyama get spoken to by his superior, who the 'prodigy' incessantly begged to show him that irritating jump serve and whose moves that little rat stole! That should be me ! Oikawa could feel his blood start boiling as he watched that head of black hair bounce as he ran across the court.
" Oikawa-san! Oikawa-san, could you please teach me how to serve!" Two bright, beseeching eyes blinked up at him, clutching a volleyball in smaller hands hopefully. Tooru could've killed him. This kid has the gall to ask him a favor after what happened?! After he stole his spot ?! Tooru's whole world was crumbling, rage blinding his better judgement as he hauled off, raising a hand. Those innocent eyes of his widened with realization as Tooru yelled, body moving too fast for him to comprehend. His last shred of restraint had been thoroughly snapped.
Smack!
Kageyama moved just barely out of his reach, holding up the volleyball to protect himself. Tooru ended up smacking the volleyball violently out of his hands, Kageyama giving him a shocked look as the echos of the ball hitting the floor echoed in the empty gym. Those goddamn eyes… how they grated his very last nerve, wanting to claw them out of his insolent skull, insecurities eating him alive while those youthful blue spheres look at him like that...The yell of his coach was the start of his long 'cooling off' on the bench, reduced to a mere pinch server …
The buzz of Japan's first point being scored was what broke him, a horrible cry ripping from his throat as he hurled his bottle. The glass shattered, the amber liquid exploding over his wall - thankfully missing his TV. Angry tears blurred his vision, frustrated that everything in his life seemed to be falling apart around him. What did he do to deserve this?! All he wants is some peace of mind and has only received heartbreak and frustration. Stumbling to his feet, Oikawa used the wall to help him find his balance, his vision still dancing thanks to his tears. Sniffling pitifully, Oikawa slipped back into his room, his stomach falling at seeing his room in shambles. With a heavy heart, Tooru crawled into his bed, grabbing one of the stuffed aliens his fans had given him. The bed feels all too big and much too cold, making him curl in on himself even more.
Taking a deep, calming breath, Tooru pushed the insistent thoughts to the back of his mind, rolling over onto his back to stare out his skylight window above his bed. It was yet another feature that he insisted on having, the stars always having given him some solace as a kid. There was just something about tracing out constellations with his eyes and reminding himself how small and insignificant his problems are in the grand scheme of things. He's just one, small person in an entire universe full of things yet to be discovered… Solar systems are being created every moment while he's wallowing in his self induced sadness.
" You're such a space nerd,"
" You still love me though~,"
" Yeah… I do."
The stars that have become oh so familiar after very long, lonely, sleepless nights, blurred and swam through the new round of tears. Trembling hands clenched the plush alien tighter to his chest, feeling the hot tears finally rolling down his cheeks.
A soft gasp of air slipped out of him as his phone went off, startling him out of his thoughts. Tooru could only guess who'd be texting him so late at night. Pulling out his phone only confirmed his thoughts. He's beginning to think that he's some sort of masochist because instead of ignoring the text like a sensible person would, he opened it and fought back the emotion that surged forward.
Hajime couldn't help his urge to reach out and do something, to try and fix this mess he's helped make. That's how Hajime wound up sneaking away from his friends to head into his bedroom, clutching his phone. He tried to sleep, he really did, but all that came of that was him staring restlessly at his ceiling while his hockey team slept comfortably around him. They all tried to make him feel better; Matsukawa ordered an unhealthy amount of take-out, Hanamaki set up a ton of movies to keep them occupied, and Kuroo and Bokuto brought back ice cream from their 'trip'. It meant so much to Iwaizumi that his friends all gave their best to comfort him when he really needed it. Despite all of their efforts, he still didn't feel quite right… What he needs is Oikawa… He doesn't feel right without him. He's done nothing but worry about him since he watched him walk out that door. If he's learned anything from being with him it's that Tooru is a very broken person. It took Hajime a long time to figure that out, Oikawa having shut him out and pasted on his brave face, but eventually Hajime could put two and two together. There's just something that's telling him that Oikawa is not okay… He needs to help him, he needs to be there for him, even though he's damn sure that he's not going to want him there. He wants to fight for this…
Iwa carefully closed his door and locked it, not wanting to wake anyone up to stop him from doing this. He'll never be able to live with himself if he never makes an effort to make things right. Sliding into bed, Iwa pulled out his phone, shaking fingers finding the conversation he was looking for, wanting to cry at the last few messages in the conversation.
From: The Boyfriend 3
U thnk too much iwa-chan! itll b FINE! bcus
From: The Boyfriend 3
i love you, and that's all that matters, right?
Stamping down the swelling emotion, Hajime started trying to piece his relationship back together with every type of a letter.
To: The Boyfriend 3
Tooru, hey. I'm sure you're sleeping, but I can't do this. I don't want to be without you. I can't even sleep right now... This was all a misunderstanding. I just want you to hear me out. Please. I never wanted it to be like this Tooru.
Hajime's heart fluttered violently at seeing that little 'read' check pop up just shortly after he pressed send, meaning Tooru was up and had looked at his message. Iwa anxiously stared at the small screen, praying that Tooru would just trust him and listen for once, wanting him to say anything , just so he's saying something . If he says something, that means that there's a chance. There's a chance - an opening - for Hajime to fix this… But it never came. After five minutes of staring at the screen, Hajime figured that Tooru didn't plan on responding.
To: The Boyfriend 3
Please Tooru
Talk to me
Say something
Anything
I don't even want to apologize over text. I'd rather talk to you face to face. But if you won't let me see you like I know you won't, just talk to me , please Tooru! Yell at me if you want, curse me out, whatever, I don't care. I just want you to respond!
I'm not going to give up on you!
Please !
Just talk to me...
Oikawa felt himself trembling as he read each and every text come through, around a minute between each one as Iwaizumi waited to see if Tooru would say something back. He wanted to - god did he want to - but he couldn't bring himself to meet Iwa half-way. Every part of him was yelling to do something, but something in him stopped him every time he let his thumbs hover over the keyboard… He… He doesn't feel like he deserves Hajime… After everything he's put him through, Hajime still wants him and wants to talk it over. Tooru ripped his heart out and spat on it, but he didn't care…? He's probably hurting so much , and is opening himself up to getting hurt again… all for Tooru. Fresh tears spilled over onto his phone as he stared at the increasingly desperate texts. He doesn't deserve this. Tooru should be left to break apart. He wants himself to hurt and drown in guilt because Hajime is too good for him and should move on. Iwaizumi could do so much better than Oikawa, but yet he didn't take the out that Oikawa provided him.
" Why do you care so much…?! Just… leave like everyone else, idiot…! You should've figured out that I'm not worth the trouble by now, but you always were thick..," Tooru whispered into the emptiness, running a hand through his damp hair, letting out a mirthless laugh. " You're too fucking nice… people are going to take advantage of you, Iwa-chan…"
Tooru jumped at his phone suddenly vibrating, a call coming through. Of course he'd call… Why wouldn't he make this ten times more difficult for Tooru…! Choking out a sob, Oikawa closed his eyes, pressing reject before he could get the chance to fuck everything up even more and hurt them both. He can't talk to him. He can't. It's the best thing for the both of them.
Hajime didn't expect to actually get through to Oikawa. He'd hoped that maybe Oikawa would give him a chance and at least listen to what he had to say, but Tooru didn't pick up. Pulling his legs up to his chest, Hajime drank in Tooru's bubbly voice telling him to leave a message, the ache in his chest growing by the minute. Fuck… he misses his voice already… It's too damn quiet without him around… His breath shuddered pathetically on the way in when that beep sounded, Oikawa's voice gone too fast for his liking.
" Hey Tooru… I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I never meant for anything like this to happen. I just want to talk to you, like I should've done a long time ago. I knew that something was up with you, but I figured you'd talk to me on your own before it reached this point… I should've just talked to you as soon as I thought something was wrong," Iwaizumi's eyes drifted over to his bedside table where the picture he got from Oikawa's mother sat, framed elegantly, the younger Tooru's smile still unbelievably pretty. Unable to look away, Iwa kept gazing at the picture as he spoke, feeling almost as if he was talking to the actual Oikawa. The picture only made the pain in his chest reach an unbearable level, emotion starting to tighten his throat up. " I...I miss you. I miss you, so much Tooru. I can't even fucking sleep without you. Every little thing just reminds me of you and it's driving me crazy!" He could feel his voice quiver, Oikawa's bright smile blurring through his quickly forming tears. " I care about you so much Tooru… I don't want to apologize through voicemail either… please just talk to me. I know you're not okay, why would you be? So stop acting like you are… I… I love you, Tooru,"
It took a little bit, but all too soon there was a lovely flashing voicemail notification taunting Tooru on his phone's screen. He should just delete it. He know's exactly what'll be on it and that it'll only do more harm than good. Yet… he couldn't stop his thumb from tapping it, or his hand raising his phone to his ear, heart thumping wildly. Maybe he's some sort of masochist; Oikawa wants this break up to hurt. It's like he wants this relationship to cut him deep so he can look forward to a deep scar that'll make it so the both of them never forget this… Nice to know he was selfish up until the last moment… Hajime's tense voice greeted him, his eyes fluttering shut at that rumbling voice all but caressing his ear drum. The skater hardly noticed that warm tears streamed down his cheeks, collecting on his chin as Iwa's voice rambled on. It felt so good to hear him, even if he sounded terrified - lost, even.
The longer he listened to the strained, desperate voice of his ex-lover, the faster Tooru found himself coming undone.
" Stop… Please just, stop …" He whispered to no one, his heart thumping wildly in his chest, his very being longing to have Iwaizumi here with him now. As soon as he heard the beginning of those awful three words that would end up killing him, Tooru reflexively hurled his phone away, watching numbly as it hit his wall. Undoubtedly, the screen was now a shattered mess, the case having popped off with the force of the impact. Oikawa's outstretched hand trembled violently, Oikawa needing to suppress the urge to scream. Tooru let out a shaky sigh, running his hands through his sweat dampened hair, wanting this night to just end already. Not even bothering to glance at his bedside table for a time, Oikawa shakily got up from his bed. When all else fails, it's only natural to turn back to bad habits.
Taking a simple shower suddenly became a painful task. Tooru had turned on the cold water to hopefully knock himself out of the place his mind was seeping back into once more, only to remember that cold showers were his preference… After taking a quick shower he threw on some fitted, ripped black skinny jeans along with a tight galaxy shirt that had a tendency to ride up - which drove his admirers wild - and a cardigan that ended just above his butt and tapered down. Expertly doing his hair with a practiced ease and putting on some makeup to hide the evidence of his horrible night, Tooru found himself ready to go out on the town. His own reflection seemed like a different person - a person Oikawa had been glad to see go - hip bones on display, well muscled legs caressed by his jeans.
You look sad and pathetic like you really are.
The voice was all too familiar despite Tooru not having had heard it since the end of middle school. He had bad self-esteem issues that stemmed from his own anxious paranoia, but managed to overcome it for the most part, thanks to his fans and admirers giving him the validation he craved.
Who would want an ugly, whiny, needy little bitch like you?
Under all that product, who are you?
Even Iwaizumi couldn't stomach you.
You're nothing but a piece of ass.
Pathetic.
Everyone only feels sorry for you, they don't actually care-
Pushing the thoughts away, Oikawa hurried out of the bathroom, determined to make something out of this night if it killed him. While trying not to look at the shambles of his apartment, Oikawa headed out into the night, putting on his mask of confidence once again. Before he could leave, he grabbed a small little square foil packet and slipped it into his back pocket. If everything goes the way he wants it to, he'll be needing that later...
All too soon a dimly lit club came into view, Oikawa getting a bitter-sweet sense of nostalgia. It feels like it's been forever since he's last set foot in a bar or club on the prowl for a new boy toy to save him from boredom and feed his need for alcohol all at once. Pushing open the door to the thumping club, Tooru breathed in the smell of booze, sweat, and smoke, the smell oddly relaxing him. It's just such a consistent scent, it never changes, it always signals the return of his old patterns. It's comforting - this rut he's found himself returning to - it's his safety blanket of sorts.
Back in his element, Oikawa felt the tension roll off of him as he strode purposely towards the dimly lit bar. This atmosphere always made it so easy for Tooru to put up his front, being fake is all apart of the game. There's no need for him to make himself vulnerable, to let anyone close enough to hurt him. Already Tooru had a few heads turning and he was soaking up every ounce of the attention. Leaning sensually on the bar, he searched for the other recognizable presence this club offers him, spotting the head of light brown hair duck out from under the bar. As if sensing his eyes, the… vertically challenged man locked eyes with the pompous figure skater, perking up immediately.
" Well, well, well, couldn't stay away, huh? Hadn't seen you around in ages, figured you might've left the scene. You had me worried for a minute," He greeted, wiping his hands on his apron tied around his waist with a smug smile. Yaku is one of the few people who've seen Oikawa at truly his worst - the only one who beats him out is Akaashi for obvious reasons - making him a close companion despite the conditions they meet under. Yaku isn't stupid, he knows why Tooru comes around, he knows about Tooru's 'problems' without having to ask. He also knows that Tooru is a full grown man and if he doesn't give him what he wants, he'll seek it out elsewhere.
" Very funny, Yaku-chan," Tooru drawled, flicking a piece of his fringe back into place as he gave the bartender a lazy smile, enjoying seeing his old friend after the mess his life has become.
" Your usual?"
" I think I want my harder drink tonight," Tooru's words made Yaku pause in grabbing for a glass, his brown eyes flicking back to Oikawa, cutting right through him. He knows. There's no point in trying to hide it when it comes to Yaku. He slowly set down the glass, not breaking eye contact, his brow furrowing.
" I don't know about that… What happened? Something happen between you and that guy you were on TV with?" Tooru immediately tensed up, clenching his hands on the bar top. Keep it together… don't do anything here. Sometimes Yaku's a little too good for his own good. Pulling a forced smile, Tooru let out a hiss of air as he tried pushing the flooding thoughts away. This is his safe place, he refuses to let this night end like that.
" I want my hard drink tonight, okay? End of story." Yaku gave him one last lingering look of concern before turning and expertly mixing his drink and setting it wordlessly down in front of him. Wisely, Yaku went off to tend to other customers, giving Tooru a chance to cool off and take a generous sip of his drink. Once Oikawa felt the drink start taking its course by quelling his anxiety for the moment, Yaku slid back over to him. His eyes flicked to the side slightly before returning to Oikawa once again, a sneaky grin twitching at his lips.
" Looks like you have an admirer," The petite man cooed, wiggling his eyebrows at Tooru. Humming in interest, Tooru turned his head in the direction that Yaku had gestured with his eyes, coyly looking through his fringe at his gawker. Oikawa almost had to laugh at what the world must be trying to tell him - this too good to be coincidence. There, sitting at a table with two smartly dressed men, was his so-called admirer. The thing was, this guy just happened to have spiky black hair, sun kissed skin, and a toned body. (Though, Tooru couldn't help but think that his hair was a little longer than it should've been, skin a little too light, body not toned to utmost perfection, eyes the wrong color…But he could make do…) The man was flushed, blue eyes trying to casually gaze at Tooru, his fingers shyly toying with the rim of his glass. It was endearing really (mostly because he was imagining a different man wearing that expression and using those mannerisms, but let's not focus on the technicalities). Oikawa flashed a smile in his direction, brushing his hair out of his face flirtily, watching on in amusement as his ears burned red at getting caught staring. Trying to play everything off, the man quickly returned his attention back to his drink, flicking his eyes back to glance back at Tooru.
" Yes I do," Tooru drawled, turning his attention back to his drink, leaning even more on the bar top to make his shirt ride up. He doesn't have to look to know that the guy was definitely staring at the new little bit of exposed skin. Yaku only snorted in response, rolling his eyes at Oikawa's antics.
" I never know whether to be impressed or disturbed how easily you can seduce people," That made Oikawa laugh, his elegant fingers picking up this glass, swirling the liquid around thoughtfully.
" It's easy really. Just catch their attention," He tilted his head so his admirer would be able to see his face easier, bringing the glass up to his lips, sensually running his bottom lip against the rim before taking a sip. When he pulled away, he flicked his tongue out to lick his lips in a way that used to always rile him up. " and reel them in~," Tooru purred, rolling his hips to the song that just started playing, Yaku glancing over to where the guy was seated before laughing.
" I think I'm more disturbed than impressed. He's getting drool all over my glass," Tooru ignored his friend in favor of gracefully turning so he had his back leaning against the bar, giving his hips another sinful roll to the music. His eyes locked with the blue eyed man's, an enticing smirk stretching his lips as he teasingly started dancing. Those eyes followed very movement of his body, tracing the bit of abs that peaked out when he lifted his hands above his head. Tooru still had his glass in his hand, managing to not spill a drop as he danced, making his way over to the table the three were sat at. The other two only noticed him when he was standing right next to his gawker, matter-of-factly setting his half empty glass in front of the man. In one fluid motion Oikawa slipped into his lap, languidly wrapping his arms around the younger man's neck.
" I think I've got the right to know your name after what you just did to me with your eyes, yeah?" Tooru purred, throwing him a wink that had the other man's face flushing red. Just when he opened his mouth to tell him a name that'd leave Tooru's mind as soon as it entered, the music kicked up again, Tooru's hips rocking on the man's. It was increasingly frustrating that he himself wasn't the least bit aroused, yet he could feel the other man's arousal pressing against his thigh. This doesn't usually happen to him… Usually his body has some sort of reaction by now. It's not like the guy isn't very good looking, and the sounds he's making could be featured on a porn dvd's highlights. Not wanting the man to figure out that Oikawa's body didn't get the memo, he pulled him in for a rough kiss despite that usually being a no no for him.
It didn't take Tooru long to figure out that the guy was the usual 'coy business guy who is secretly raunchy and can't wait to do some kinky shit' type. Whatever shyness he had at the beginning seemed to be nonexistent when Tooru felt two warm hands kneading his ass. Just to one up him, Oikawa pushed his hands up the guy's button up, long fingers tracing the coiled muscle. He just barely heard the guy gasp out what his name was, but he was too busy trying to put a certain someone in his place to grace it with more than a murmur of his own name. It's not like this guy will be anything more than just a one-night stand. What's the point in remembering something like his name? Only when Oikawa started picturing Iwa in his place did he start to get aroused, grinding his hips down harder to elicit a moan.
" Wanna...take it to… yours?" The man currently mouthing hotly at his neck finally breathed out when he remembered how to form words. Oikawa was much more coherent, aroused, sure, but definitely not as lost in the pleasure as his counterpart, which kind of pisses him off. Oikawa felt his own muscles tighten up at the suggestion to defile his not-so-inviting sanctuary. Thinking quickly, Tooru pulled himself back together, grabbing a handful of the guy's too-long hair, tugging enough to draw a purr from the man.
" I think we should go to your place instead," Tooru all but moaned into his ear, relief spilling over his tense muscles at hearing the man get hot and bothered by his voice.
" Why does it have to be my place?" His question had a playful lit to it, clearly not planning on fighting it, but wanting to draw some sort of reaction from him. Tooru, however, wasn't anywhere close to being in the mood for 'playful'. A wave of pent up frustration had him yanking on the hair still in his grasp, soaking in the surprised gasp it got him. Bewildered blue eyes stared back into his own, the desire in them still as strong as ever.
" Either you take me home, or," Tooru's voice pitched low and erotic, an underlying threat all too clear. He leaned in to press his lips to the man's ear so him and only him would hear the low purr he let out. " I'll move on and you can go home with nothing but your own fantasies about how it would've felt to have my mouth around your hot, throbbing , dick. Or how it feels to have me bring you to a whole nother level of ecstasy till you won't be able to see straight - won't be able to say anything but my name. If you want to sit here with desire burning your veins, it means nothing to me. There are plenty of people here who want to have my ass, but I picked you out of all of them, so don't act like you're not dying to get me into your bed. I like my fucks to know where they stand~," Once he finished, he leaned back to drink in the shudder that wracked the man's body, pupils blown with desire, mouth parted in a silent moan. He had him hook line and sinker… but yet… it only made him feel disgusting. Nothing about this felt good . The voice in the back of his mind kept reminding him how low he was, how dirty this is. Looking at the man's aroused expression and feeling grossly warm hands on his ass just made Tooru's skin crawl despite him being a perfectly attractive young man. It's not Iwaizumi , his mind helpfully supplied. You know damn well that you love him but yet you're here taking another man into bed- Tooru cut the voice off, trying to get into this, wanting to enjoy this. " What do you say~?"
" Y-Yeah," He moaned out, looking ready to run home if Tooru asked him to, it almost cute how eager he was.
Dirty, dirty, dirty -
Pushing the voices down yet again, Oikawa slipped off the man's lap, grabbing his neglected drink as the man awkwardly confronted his co-workers. Maybe Oikawa should be alarmed by his own lack of decency and shame, not caring in the slightest that they all but had sex in front of the two other men, but he was too busy knocking back the rest of his drink. Striding confidently back over to the bar where Yaku stood expectantly, Oikawa smiled through the warm alcoholic haze that washed over him. Oikawa leaned against the counter after handing him the empty glass, feeling suffocated by Yaku's slightly disapproving stare. He never liked Oikawa going to strange men's homes, he's said so before, but only now does it make Tooru's skin crawl to have that look directed at him…
" You know what I wanna say, but I'm not going to say it," Yaku closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge between his eyes with a weary sigh. When those judgemental, worried , eyes opened to give him another stare, Tooru felt his stomach lurch uncomfortably. " Just, be careful, okay? I don't want anything to happen to you. You're just emotional right now and people do things they regret when they're running high on emotions," His old friend spoke carefully, enunciating each word slowly and with such caution it was as if he was talking down a madman. Everything only made the guilt gripping his chest, swell.
Tooru chose to ignore his friend's concern, waving him off, glancing back to his new lay only to find him repeatedly bowing to the other two men at his table. Looks like it's going to be time to leave. It's now or never. A hand grabbing his arm made Tooru jump, looking back to Yaku in bewilderment.
" If you ever need to talk to someone, I'm always here. You've got a lot of people who care about you, Tooru - and I'm not talking about your fans, either." In order to stop the regret already filling him, Oikawa shrugged Yaku off, pushing away from the bar just as his guy came over to them.
" I'll see you around, Yaku-chan~," He chirped, putting on his broken mask, hoping it'd be enough to at least get him through the night. This is something he needs. Something to forget everything else. A mindless task to occupy his buzzing thoughts and aim them on a faceless person he won't bother to remember. Someone who makes him feel wanted, but won't be able to hurt him.
They were currently in the back of a cab on their way to the guys house, said man currently all over Tooru. It was kind of pathetic how hard it was for him to even pretend to be as remotely into it as the other man was. He's not sure if it was the alcohol or inexperience, but the younger man didn't seem to realize that Tooru was barely kissing back or that he was pretty damn close to being soft. Feeling too guilty for leading him on, Tooru let himself be used, sitting rigidly as the man sloppily kissed him, Tooru's eyes still open to watch out the window of the cab. A hand moved between his legs, rubbing his inner thigh sensually as throaty moans assaulted his ear. If it was possible, Oikawa felt even more disgusted with himself, feeling like he's hit a new low.
Dirty dirty dirty-
Oikawa felt the panic start rising up his throat, threatening to choke him up if he wasn't careful. Fuck! He can't let this night fall apart just because he can't fucking get it up for this guy! That'll only make things even worse! Surely he'll be able to satisfy some horny, young businessman who'd probably have done anything in that club! Thinking fast, Tooru squeezed his eyes shut, trying to picture something to get him up before this guy realizes what's going on.
It should've been a given that what popped into his head as something arousing was Iwaizumi. The imaginary Iwa gave him that sultry fucking smirk he had when he got into the mood, hands slowly trailing down his chest, tracing every dip and rise of unfair muscle. Tooru's body immediately reacted, making him want to laugh if he wasn't currently making out with a stranger in the back of a cab. His hand went up to the guy's inky hair, grabbing roughly like he knew Iwa liked it, the guy certainly not voicing any complaints. The Iwa in his head licked his lips, hands sliding past that mouth watering thin trail of hair disappearing into tight briefs.
" Someone's into it tonight, huh, Tooru?" Iwa's deep purr resonated in his mind, making his body in the present tremble with arousal, breath coming in shallow pants. He was even enjoying the groping of the other man since he has Hajime to occupy his mind. Iwa's thumbs hooked into the waistband of his briefs, tugging them down painfully slow, more and more of that mouth watering skin being revealed. At this point soft whimpers spilled from Tooru, Iwaizumi having had denied any sex the couple weeks leading up to the competition. The briefs were just barely still covering him, Hajime letting out the quiet groan that always drove Tooru crazy, until finally -
" Mhn~ !" Oikawa let out a moan that was probably a little too loud when his imaginary Hajime finally pulled his briefs off, pawing at the other man for purchase. He felt dizzy, body hot and burning with desire, his nails running down the back of the guy's neck as he all but crawled into his lap. Now he was into it, almost painfully hard at this point.
" We're here," The very not Iwaizumi voice brought him from his pleasant thoughts, blinking blearily at the stranger across from him, pupils definitely blown wide. The man looked smug, probably thinking that he was the one to have gotten Tooru all worked up. Little did the poor guy know that he actually did absolutely nothing for him and that he relied on his ex to at least get it up. Pulling back on his flirty smirk, Tooru hummed, getting out of the car with him.
As soon as they walked through the door to the guy's (Matsuda…? Makoto?) apartment, Tooru found himself being pinned against a wall. The skaters brow furrowed, it feeling so odd to be pinned by anyone other than Iwaizumi. Something just felt… wrong about it (his brain helpfully reminded him that everything about this feels wrong because - despite looking a great deal like Iwa - he's still not Iwa). The man's lips were somewhat clumsily mashing against his, feeling nothing like the rough kisses he's gotten used to. Being pinned by this guy just made Tooru feel frustrated and uncomfortable, his mouth reluctantly moving with his as he pretended to be into it. With a suppressed huff, Oikawa yanked his hands out of the man's grasp, flipping them with almost too much ease. Apparently having a boyfriend with a body that'd make Adonis eat his heart out has made him fantastic at battles for dominance with 'normal' people… This guy isn't on the same level as him . Tooru would have to struggle so hard to try and get the upper hand on him, but he was way too strong and way too good at topping for Tooru to say much. Those blue eyes were wide and doe like for a split second, the man looking almost cute all flustered and surprised at how unexpectedly strong and forceful Oikawa was. His chest was rising and falling to get breath back into his lungs, Tooru staring indifferently at the flushed man currently pressed against the wall. Oikawa leaned the tiniest bit further to brush his lips against the other man's, feeling his breath shuddering out with his exhale.
" I top," Oikawa firmly stated, leaving no room for argument, challenging the man to say something with his eyes. A breathy laugh trembled out from him, testing the grip Oikawa had on him, finding very quickly that Oikawa was indeed stronger. It was a weird feeling for him, so used to being the weaker one now. It almost feels good to have that power back… almost… if he didn't feel so dirty doing it… It reminded him of his first night with him, when he had tried to be dominant like he was used to and ended up being topped jarringly fast. It didn't feel right to be topped by anyone who wasn't Iwa.
" What if I wanted to top?" Oikawa assumed that he meant for that to come out more playful and less slightly intimidated. The man's eyes screamed that he was highly turned on by the newfound dominance Oikawa was flaunting. Huffing out an amused laugh, Tooru let a sultry smile pull at his lips, humming in interest.
" Oh~?" His voice purred out, as dangerous as it was sexy, a tremor running through the man's body as he sucked in a breath. " I'd like to see you try and top me," This time it dipped low and sensual, eliciting a soft whimper from the other man. Having him right where he wanted him, Tooru figured he wouldn't mind it getting a little rougher, his hand grabbing his hair and tugging his head back. The man's throaty moan was cut off by Oikawa's mouth quickly showing him how rough kissing is done. Now that his eyes were closed again, Oikawa let his mind imagine that he was kissing him instead, getting to top him like he's wanted to since he set eyes on him. His mind wandered to those faces he made when Tooru talked him into a lewd video chat, his hand wandering down the man's thigh as he rocked their hips together.
" Tooru," Fuck, he can't get that sexy low rumble out of his head, his hand unknowingly gripping the man's hip hard , getting him to arch his back with a gasp. Oikawa's mouth instinctively went to his exposed throat, mouthing hotly against it without even thinking about it. He might as well be on auto-pilot. "Fuck, Tooru! Please!" He could just see his head knocking back, his strained noises almost-growls as his arms tried hopelessly covering his flushed face. " Tooru …!" Frustrated that he can't touch the fake Iwa in his head, Tooru let out a low growl, using the hand still in the guy's hair to push him down slightly.
" Blow me," He bluntly ordered, only able to imagine what his eyes must've looked like to earn him that expression of pure arousal with a touch of fear. Not needing further instruction, the man all too happily got down on his knees, shaky hands fumbling with his button. Tooru braced himself on the wall in front of him with one of his forearms, staring blankly at the wall as the guy struggled with his zipper. An involuntary breath sucked in when he finally felt that familiar wet warmth circle around him, eyes screwing shut again.
You're a terrible person
Look where you are - getting head from some guy you met at a club.
Pathetic...
For the sake of his own sanity, Oikawa replaced the voice in his head with more visions of Hajime, wishing that it was him between his legs. The man's amateur tongue almost cute compared to Hajime's skilled one. Thankfully his body could still appreciate a blow job, with or without it being from Iwa. After attempting to enjoy himself some more, Oikawa pulled the man back to his feet, bringing them both into the bedroom.
The horrible feeling settled over him once more, hating the feeling of the man's hands and mouth wandering his neck and body as they stumbled toward the bed. Just to get him hopefully a little further away, Tooru grabbed the man's button up, easily tearing it open, the sound of buttons scattering all too familiar. Ignoring the voice at the back of his mind, he pulled the ruined shirt off, pushing him back to the bed. Without even needing to be told, the man pulled his pants and boxers off, eagerly staring at Tooru, face still flushed. It was weird for Tooru to feel so disgusting while trying to be sexy, the eyes on his body feeling intrusive. Pulling out the condom from his pocket, he found himself almost disappointed that the guy wasn't oddly flustered by it… or saying something like ' of course you'd have one just on you, you jerk'...
After stripping down, Oikawa hesitantly rolled the condom on, practically feeling the slime dripping down his spine with how gross he feels - and is - at this moment. It's almost like the very walls of the room are judging his actions. Hajime's soft smile that he gives Tooru when he thinks he can't see popped into his head, a sharp pain stabbing right through his already broken heart. His hands were shaking as he crawled onto the bed, wondering how long the guilt was going to stay with him this time. No , damnit ! He's not going to feel bad about this! He's not fucking dating him anymore! He's a grown ass man who can make his own choices about his sex life! Who has the right to judge him for living life the way he wants to?! He's not cheating on him or anything, he ended things! It's over! Pulling on a sultry smile, Oikawa leaned down till their noses brushed.
" Turn over~," Sure, it was so he could fuck the guy, but really he just wanted to not look at his face to make this easier on him. This way his guilt ridden mind could be satisfied with pretending it was Iwa. Now that his face was hidden, Oikawa felt so much better, placing kisses along the guy's shoulders, able to picture beautifully tan skin under his lips if he closed his eyes. Running his hands down his sides, he rolled his hips to make his arousal rub across his ass. Slender fingers tightened their grip, his brow furrowing as he struggled to remember anything but the image of Hajime arching his back, letting out sinful moans, gasping his name, giving that smile - Fuck ! What was his name?! Asano? Furukawa? Handa? Fuck, he can't remember…! Tooru let out a strained moan, his senses assaulted by the glorious friction, his mind overflowing with Hajime, his eyes, his lips, his dimples, that brash personality, his voice, his stupid complete perfection…! ...That look on his beautiful face when Tooru cut him off… those pretty eyes filling with fear… perfect lips trembling… deep voice a quivering, pleading whisper… Oh god…! He wants him back…! He wants him back so much that it hurts! He needs him! Hajime…! Oikawa tilted his head back as that gorgeous voice in his head purred out Tooru , almost able to feel his stupid, stupid arms wrap around him comfortingly, making him come undone bit by bit.
" I won't let anything bad happen to you, not anymore. I'm here for you, Tooru, "
" ...Who's Iwa-chan…?" With those two words Oikawa's entire world popped liked a bubble, thrusting him straight back into the cold, disgusting , reality of his situation. The man - whose name still escapes Oikawa's frazzled mind - was looking over his shoulder, very confused with the entire situation. " You were calling that out just now…? She your ex or something?" He added when Tooru gave him nothing but stunned silence, trying to be helpful. Dread washed over him like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water, not sure what to do anymore. He's never had this kind of thing happen… He's never fucked up so much when it came to sex. What the hell was he doing here?! Suddenly Oikawa felt much too sober for his liking, feeling ready to drown in alcohol if it meant that he was far, far away from wherever here is. His eyes darted down, taking in everything, his dick way too close to his ass for his comfort… What would he have done if he had been in him…?! The nameless man's voice drew him out of his thoughts yet again. " Oikawa-san… are you okay?" That triggered a minor little break down, Oikawa feeling the blood abandon his face as he scrambled back. Shaking hands ran through his hair as he cursed himself repeatedly in his head, not sure why he thought this was going to be good. Of course his old way of dealing with things wasn't going to work. Hajime changed everything as soon as he appeared on the ice.
" I made a mistake, I made a mistake, I made a mistake," Oikawa murmured as he hopped off the bed, taking off the condom as if it had burned him, confused sputtering following him. " I've got to go, I'm sorry," Tooru was glad that he wasn't as eager for this as he was his first time with Iwa, when their clothes ended up everywhere. This time his clothes were in a neat pile, making it easy for him to wiggle back into his jeans as the guy watched on in amazement.
" ...Are you kidding me right now…?! You're leaving me like this?! What the fuck?!" Oikawa couldn't blame the guy for being upset, looking over to him with an apologetic smile as he pulled on his shirt. He really does feel bad about leading the guy on, but it's not like this was going to be anything more than a quick fuck.
" I'm sorry, I made a mistake and am trying to not mess everything up even more than I already have," The confused look that got him was also understandable. If he went through with fucking that guy, there's no way he could forgive himself, and it'd really hurt Hajime… he's done enough of that recently. " But you're an attractive guy, I'm sure you'll find someone. Just work on your kissing and I think you'll be fine," He added as he finished pulling on his cardigan, throwing in a wink as he hurried out into the night.
Managing to keep a relatively clear conscience didn't mean that Tooru was out of this mess he dug himself into yet. As soon as he took a step out into the cool air of the night, he realized very quickly that he had no idea where he was… It had to be past midnight by now and he was all alone, in an unfamiliar place, without even his broken phone that he left in his apartment. Trying to keep warm in his too thin clothing, Oikawa wrapped his arms around his body as he walked down the eerily quiet street. His breath was shaky and uneven as he listened to his own footsteps echo back to him, his blood pressure through the roof.
Horrible flashes of walking home that fateful night wracked Tooru's mind, his body flinching at the phantom feelings of fists and feet holding him down and attacking him. He could feel his body trembling violently, jumping at very little sound, eyes burning with the onset of tears. The sound of his hyperventilating finally reached his ears, his mind desperately trying to convince his body to not go into a break down. What alcohol left in his system wasn't enough to give him the liquid confidence he needed to wander through an empty, dark, unfamiliar town. His palms were sweating as he stopped on a corner, looking around hopelessly like a lost child, both hoping and dreading that a person would show up.
Bang !
Tooru let out a scream, jumping violently as he whipped around to see what the sound was, chest heaving as sweat cooled his forehead. Sitting peacefully in the alley next to him was a little black cat grooming itself in front of a knocked over trash can, Oikawa's heart still lodged in his throat. The tears really started coming now, broken sobs shaking his body as his hand came up to cover his mouth.
" H-Hajime…! Please… I'm s-sorry! I don't wanna be here…! Iwa-chan!" That usually confident litting voice was now wavering, sad and pathetic, echoing back to him mockingly. He had half the mind to just curl up right there in the street and just cry. But he knows he can't do that, so he kept walking until he luckily found a bus stop with a map that let him know where he was so he could find his way back.
It took him a good half an hour to get back home, Tooru wanting to burst out into tears when that familiar building of his came into view. The receptionist just silently nodded to Tooru, knowing better than to question him when he's so distraught, which Tooru really appreciates. After taking the lift back up to his apartment, Oikawa felt like collapsing, relieved that this night was finally behind him. Without thinking, he went straight to his room, not able to take his clothes off fast enough. The clothes themselves felt so dirty and gross and smelt of the club. He couldn't stand to have them on his body for a second longer. He kind of wishes that he had put on boxers at least, but he lives alone anyways, so he can be naked in his own apartment. Just as he was about to miserably crawl back into bed, Tooru's bloodshot eyes landed on a faded, blue sweatshirt that was crumpled sadly on his floor. A choked noise left him in a hiccup, his eyes officially out of tears as he picked up the sweatshirt, burying his face into the material. His body wasn't sure whether to be comforted or upset by the faint, earthy smell that clung to the fabric. He stole it from Hajime a couple weeks ago, having no intentions of returning it until it stopped smelling like him. His hands gripped it tightly, as if letting go meant letting go of it's owner, almost able to feel the warmth of his body. Oikawa hurried to pull the sweatshirt on, hoping it might make the dirty sensation leave him, sinking to the ground in front of his bed all the while. Trying to get lost in the sweatshirt, Tooru pulled the sleeves over his hands, nuzzling his face into the collar to make Hajime's smell his whole world. It felt like his entire being was aching to just be in his presence again, hating that the last memory he has to cling to is that god awful expression…
A faint blinking caught his attention, his poor shattered phone lying pathetically about a foot away from him. Pulling it over, he glanced at the phone, wincing when he saw that Iwaizumi had only left more texts and voicemails. The time made him wince for a second time; three in the morning and he doesn't feel sleepy… exhausted - yes - but nowhere close to being able to sleep. At least Hajime's sweatshirt offers him a little comfort - aside from the heartache. Setting down his phone to keep himself from being tempted to read anything, Tooru sighed in resignation, pulling down his Star Wars throw from his bed, wrapping it around his shoulders as he leaned against the wall. Even though he knows damn well that he's not sleeping, he might as well pretend like he plans to…
Tired, blood-shot eyes squinted open to half watch the sunrise via the rich colors dripping light onto the wall across from him. Everything ached; nothing more than the barbed wire currently wrapped firmly around his heart. The saliva in his mouth seemed to have thickened, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth as he tried parting his lips. All of his muscles protested from the awkward angles they were forced in with him balled at the end of his bed. The obscene amount of walking he did last night didn't help, seeing as he didn't stretch them out properly before or after. His puffy, red eyes were unbearably scratchy, sore from crying and from getting little rest during the night, his contacts only adding to the pain.
Tooru only was able to will himself to get up to take out his contacts and put on some glasses before he went blind, and more importantly, to head to the store to buy some much needed alcohol. He needs desperately to numb the physical and emotional pain that was flooding back. Oikawa didn't even bother putting the beer in the fridge and just took it back to his little spot at the foot of his bed. It has been so long since he's last drowned out his sorrows this way, his tolerance a little lower than it had been as he slammed one after another down. It didn't take long for it to hit his head, his stomach long empty since he had nothing to eat since before the competition. That same empty stomach protested strongly against the liquid sloshing around in it, not agreeing with his meal of booze for breakfast.
With his head pleasantly fuzzy and dulled, Oikawa leaned back against the wall, clumsily grabbing at the collar of Hajime's sweatshirt to pull it over his nose. He breathed the scent still lingering on the fabric, letting out a small whine as the captain's face flashed across his mind. His own hoarse voice whispered out his name without his knowing, trembling hands still clutching on tightly, wanting to just will him here. Through his haze, Oikawa nearly thought his tactic worked when the door to his room opened, but it only revealed a weary looking Akaashi. The slender skater only sighed, crossing the room silently, staring down pitifully at Tooru.
" You weren't fine." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, one Tooru couldn't find in himself to argue.
" I'm not…"
" Iwaizumi!"
The sound of his name jolted Hajime back to reality, his mind thoroughly scattered recently for obvious reasons. It's been a good week since the breakup and Hajime has been a mess. He's been losing sleep, ending up passed out whenever he so much as sits down or leans on anything during practice, his energy just not there; His aim has been suffering recently, performance way down; His appetite has been nearly nonexistent even though he's been working out like usual, the team having to all but force feed him to keep him from losing too much weight; His loud voice was now much quieter than usual… Hajime didn't feel like himself… It was like he was in someone else's body. If he had to give this a name, he'd probably say that he was depressed...
" Huh? Oh! Uhm…" Iwa fumbled, looking around wildly to figure out what he had missed, only finding the same concerned looks from his team and their coach. " I…" Hajime awkwardly pulled off his helmet, wanting to hit himself, hating himself for being so affected when his team is counting on him. Iwa swallowed thickly, wishing that they'd stop looking at him with so much pity. He hates getting pity. He doesn't need to be pitied ! Damn it! Why can't he get the fuck over this?! He knew this would happen one day, so he should've been more mentally prepared.
" Haji-"
" I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING DISTRACTED!" He yelled, bowing deeply towards his team, feeling sweat drip off his forehead as he did so. His little outburst made his team fall silent yet again. Iwaizumi gritted his teeth, refusing to let his pride be affected anymore. " I'll get it together, I swear . It won't happen again! It's my job to lead you and I've been slipping lately, that's my failure as a captain-"
" Iwa-"
" NO!" He cut Hanamaki off since he was without a doubt going to try and deny that he'd ever failed as a captain even when it's damn well true. Hajime stood up straight again, facing the men who've become his second family. " I have. I'm supposed to be the one holding you guys up, but I'm the one falling apart. I don't give a shit what happens, I should be the one to keep it together for your sakes. I'm sorry for making you worry, I'm sorry for making coach have to visit so often to make up for my fuck ups. My personal life shouldn't get in the way of the team - and it won't , not anymore. I'm sorry," He finished, his shoulders slumping as he gave his team his best attempt at a smile. Kuroo was the first one to react, letting out a snort.
" You always try to act so hard, Wazzy, it's amazing," Kuroo drawled, tilting his head to the side, giving him that famous lazy smirk. Hajime, on the other hand, was thoroughly confused. " Spoken like a true captain! You sacrifice your own happiness for the good of the team! So god damn selfless! You're a fucking Saint, Wazzy, really. You're so heroic I could vomit." Kuroo let out a mirthless laugh, skating forward till he was chest to chest with Iwaizumi. Without warning, Hajime found two hands slapping his face, holding it in place. His cheeks tingled, a hiss slipping out between his clenched teeth, feeling Kuroo's fingers digging into his skin.
" Stop." Kuroo's voice was low, Hajime's bewildered eyes trying to figure out what was going on with his teammate. " We appreciate you trying to be tough for us, but we know that was bullshit. You deserve to break down after what happened. Believe it or not, but you don't have to be perfect and unstoppable all the damn time. We were never upset with you. We just want you to let us help you, because you do need it, and that's perfectly fine. We'd rather you tell us that something's up than you act tough. Let us help you for once," Kuroo's voice gradually grew softer as we went on, giving Hajime his lopsided grin. The rest of the team gathered around, giving Hajime encouraging slaps on the back and shoulders. Hajime smiled as Hanamaki pulled him into an affectionate headlock, ruffling his sweaty helmet hair, feeling like a weight had lifted to allow a comfortable warmth to flow over him.
" Okay…"
Their little moment was ruined by the door to the rink bursting open, startling the team as they all looked over to the source of the sound. Hajime's brow furrowed as he watched the younger Oikawa run down the steps, very out of breath. What on earth would Takeru be doing here…?! And with Takeru usually is…
" Hajime! Hajime!" Takeru's voice was slightly broken, his usually passive face twisted with concern that was bordering on fear. Said captain skated forward to meet Takeru at the wall, reaching out to put a worried hand on the teen's peach fuzz covered head. " Hajime, you need to come back! It's been awful ! He's not the same! He's a mess and isn't eating or sleeping and his mood is the worst and he misses you so bad , but he won't say it or do anything about it and I'm worried he's going to hurt himself!" Takeru frantically rambled, grabbing onto Hajime's shirt as if to keep him from leaving, eyes wide and watery. " He's not thinking right and I heard Ma saying she's worried because uncle Tooru used to be a drinker and being alone again might set him off and, and!" He had to catch his breath, smaller hands shaking as his lip quivered, Hajime's heart squeezing at seeing how distraught he was. " I miss you too, Hajime! Things were better when you were around. I don't care what happened, I just want you to come back and help my uncle, please!" Hajime knew that something didn't feel right that night Tooru left him…
" Takeru, hey, bud, listen. It'll be alright, you've gotta calm down though. I'll-" Hajime tried comforting him in, fighting to keep the panic out of his own voice. The whole rink fell silent at the door to the rink slamming open, the temperature dropping with it. The captain's heart spasmed in his chest at the sight of that perfect hair and unfairly smooth skin, his lips parted uselessly. Hajime didn't need to see his team to know they all tensed up, none thrilled to see the figure skater in their midst. Half of Iwa hoped that maybe, just maybe , Oikawa would be back to the cocky, overly affectionate guy he knew and… loved. Yet the pure ice in those big brown eyes of his proved otherwise.
" Takeru, come on. You're going to be late to volleyball practice," Oikawa bit out, his usually annoyingly bubbly voice now low and tense. Said young boy flinched at the harsh tone, whipping his head back around to stare at Iwaizumi imploringly, breaking his heart even further. He had to do something…
" Toor-"
" We're leaving, Takeru !" Oikawa bit out, speaking loud enough to drown out Iwaizumi, Takeru flinching at the harsh tone once again. Oikawa turned around to face the door, clearly not wanting to even have to see Iwaizumi. Poor little Takeru looked between Oikawa and Iwa, not sure of what to do. Poor kid even looked ready to cry, Iwa wishing that he could do something more for him. He nodded to Takeru's uncle with a sad smile, knowing that Tooru wouldn't do anything to hurt his beloved nephew.
" Go on, it'll be fine. I'll work this out, I promise you. Just keep Hiro updated, yeah?" Iwa spoke quietly, trying to reassure the young teen, lightly tapping his shoulder to earn himself a watery smile.
" Takeru !"
Iwa was caught off guard when Takeru suddenly lurched forward, wrapping his arms around his neck, giving him a tight hug before turning and jogging up the stairs. Hajime's chest constricted painfully at watching Oikawa grab Takeru's hood before leaving the rink. He had to watch him walk away again… How many times does he need to watch him leave before he breaks, before it stops hurting…? Hajime hung his head as he squeezed his eyes shut, reigning in the emotion that flared at seeing him once again.
" Hajime, hey, it'll-" Makki couldn't even finish his sentence before Hajime abruptly stood back up. His team paused, having thought they'd have to comfort him all over again thanks to the appearance of Oikawa. Iwa turned back to face them, a new determination burning in his eyes, finally looking like his old captain self.
" I'm going to get him back." He simply stated, watching as his teammates all smiled and looked at each other, agreeing that he was going to be okay.
" You know," Mattsun began as everyone started stripping down in front of their lockers after practice ended, " you need to just apologize to him for giving him the wrong idea. I'm sure that'll get you somewhere ."
" Yeah, I know, but it's just that only face to face things work with him. He can avoid texts and calls, but face to face makes him have to listen," Hajime mused as he pulled his damp shirt off, using it to dry some of the sweat off his hair. " And you know him, he's the biggest drama queen, so he won't take a simple apology. It won't seem as sincere to him. I don't know what to do to make it up to him…" The hockey team all paused in changing to let the question settle, none of them really used to dealing with someone like Oikawa Tooru like this.
" I don't know, but whatever you need to do, I hope you do it fast because I miss Akaashi!" Bokuto whined, slumping against his locker woefully as he sulked. Iwa gave him a confused look, not sure what him getting back together with Oikawa had to do with him and Akaashi. Before he could even question it, Kuroo slid up next to him.
" Akaashi made them take a break until things with you and Pretty boy blow over, so 'they don't take things out on each other'." Kuroo explained, Bokuto whining his agreement in the background as Iwaizumi attempted to process this new information.
" What…?! You're not allowed to even see him, just because Oikawa and I are having problems?! How is that fair?!" Iwaizumi frowned to himself, feeling a new wave of guilt wash over him. Not only did his fuck up cost his own relationship, but now it's affecting his teammate's relationships… he's such a fucking idiot …! Though, he supposes that would explain why Bokuto has seemed a lot less bubbly as of late. Kuroo shrugged next to him, pushing off the locker with a heavy sigh, rubbing his face tiredly.
" 'Dunno man, but it must be a skater thing, because Kenma was quick to follow their lead as well. He texted me that we'd have to take a break for a while so they could make sure that Tooru would be okay." Kuroo's voice was filled with spite, no doubt for Tooru and not for Kenma at all. Iwa knows how much Kuroo adores Kenma, so he can only imagine how it must be for him. " Man! I didn't realize how much Kenma helped me sleep. I haven't gotten more than four hours a night. You wouldn't think such a tiny guy would have such a big presence, but, it's like, I miss the silence with him in it, not this… uncomfortable silence. Sometimes I'll wake up and think I hear the tapping of his game controller again, but he's never there." Iwa felt worse and worse as Kuroo rambled on about his longing for Kenma, feeling personally responsible for ruining the relationships around him. " I've managed to get him to text me and facetime me when he's alone at home though, so I think that's held me together," If Kuroo was aware of how horrible hearing about Kenma made Iwaizumi felt, he certainly didn't show it. Hajime hung his head feeling the self-loathing start creeping back up his spine.
" I… I'm sorry guys. I had no idea that I fucked up your relationships…" Bokuto and Kuroo perked up at hearing their captain's voice back to a whisper, sharing a look of concern. Kuroo started back tracking, attempting to mend what wound he just reopened.
" It's not your fault, Wazzy! They were the ones who made that decision on their own! It's not like you told them to pull away from us! No one did!" He tried, Iwa still not feeling much better. He's not an idiot, he knows exactly what cause made that effect. If he hadn't pushed Oikawa… If he had just kept his cool instead of panicking…!
"Yeah! It's fine! This isn't forever! Once this whole thing ends, then everything will be back to normal!" Bokuto chirped, patting Iwaizumi on the back with a broad smile, Hajime appreciating the effort. Hajime lifted his head to give him a sad smile at the optimism that he spewed, eyes a little too watery, wishing that being positive meant anything for repairing something this broken.
" At least you guys are guaranteed your boyfriends back, can't say much about mine," Kuroo and Bokuto's smiles fell at their captain's words, the mood thoroughly soured, the entire locker room filling with a gloom as Iwa wordlessly pulled his shorts down.
His lungs burned with every labored breath, his knee throbbing worryingly, every muscle crying out for a break. Sleep was non-existent. Every time he slept, he'd wake up crying, remembering a quivering voice and hazel eyes filled with pain. Meals only came when Akaashi or Suga (sometimes both. He's starting to think they have shifts and take turns) forced them in his mouth, otherwise his diet consisted of booze, coffee or energy drink, and more booze. Thankfully they haven't tried to weigh him (yet), because he's lost a good 15 pounds. Things got worse after he saw him last…- as he looks at the date on his phone, it's been maybe a week, week and a half since then. Fans have noticed his change, but haven't yet pinned down the answer, though many have speculated correctly, most assumed the kiss was merely fanservice and his problem is something else. The real test will be if he can keep up with his skating. Figure skaters need to be in perfect shape to stay at the top and he can feel his body rejecting this new lifestyle he's having. Any energy he has, he puts towards pushing himself with skating. Even though he acknowledges that he's a rubber band waiting to snap, he can't physically stop himself. He needs this.
Sweat was dripping down every part of his body, his legs forcing him to take a much needed break ( he was starting to lose feeling in his bad leg, which is probably not good). Pushing damp hair out of his eyes, Tooru pulled out his phone, turning down the music in his head phones. For some reason, he felt drawn to social media - something he's avoided looking at, because his mood is bad enough without what he knows he'll find there. Maybe he's reached the point of downright despising himself now?
With a few taps of his phone, he found himself staring at everything that he wasn't ready to see. One of the first images was the kiss that shattered everything, Tooru's strength leaving him by the minute. Fan made gif highlights of their routine littered the page, along with various fan art of them together and many people calling them a perfect couple and inspiring… Oh… if only they knew… Several theories were dotted amongst it all, talking about how it was odd they both had went MIA after the massive bombshell Tooru dropped with that kiss. What really did Oikawa in was seeing a post with a picture that must've been taken right after what happened… Iwaizumi was flanked by his irate teammates, hood doing a poor job of hiding his face, dark shades attempting to hide the truth. As if the very universe was against him, Iwaizumi's glasses were just askew enough to glimpse his eyes, puffy and red rimmed, staring directly at the camera. He seemed so lost and weak that it actually physically hurt Tooru.
Just as Tooru put away his phone with a promise to never look at social media that isn't just his own pages ever again, he caught sight of another reporter. They've all been itching to get the first scoop on the 'iwaoi story' that had taken place, but he'd managed to avoid them until now.
After pasting on a plastic smile, Oikawa went into auto pilot, not even realizing that the interview was over until the reporter thanked him for his time. He's learned what to feed them, and must've subconsciously been preparing answers to satisfy them. Slumping against the wall, Oikawa let out a heavy sigh, ready to just pass out. It takes a lot of energy to have so many emotions….
Akaashi was making his way out to check on Oikawa when he was stopped by another slimy reporter who leaned in. Personally, Akaashi found her perfume to be absolutely repulsive and everything about her fake, but most reporters make his skin crawl.
" So," She began with a stage whisper, already wearing his patience. " Is Oikawa really okay?! Fans have commented that he's seemed… off lately. As his best friend, surely you must know how he is!" Akaashi glanced back over to said man - who was now passionately skating around the rink, off in his own little world, definitely landing on that leg of his wrong…. Of course Oikawa isn't okay. Akaashi can see that his friend is deteriorating at an alarming rate, the first man who he let intimately close to him betrayed him for all he knows. It's not something that many people - especially Oikawa - can just bounce back from. His hurt runs dangerously deep, and Oikawa is such a fragile man that he'll probably never truly recover. Akaashi wouldn't be at all surprised if Oikawa never dates ever again. In a few short months Iwaizumi Hajime got to his very core, saw things about Oikawa that even Akaashi probably hasn't been allowed to see. If he didn't see the deep dark things Oikawa was hiding, he probably just didn't look for them, because Akaashi knows Oikawa laid himself bare to Hajime. With a deep breath, Akaashi gave the woman a level stare, not trusting her in the slightest.
" I wouldn't worry about Oikawa-san, he's focused right now." Focused on something less than positive, but focused all the same…
A couple days pass, Oikawa's surprised he hasn't lost track of time with how days and nights bleed together lately, aforementioned skater walking home after another late night practicing. Rain seemed to soak into his very soul as he trudged down the sidewalk, streetlights blurred and swirled together. He kept his face huddled close to his shoulders, jacket collar popped to provide some protection. His hair was uselessly clinging to his face, no longer a priority. He can feel the pull… the pull of the dark depths he's managed to stay floating precariously above for nearly a month now. This isn't bottom. Tooru knows how deep down he can fall, he had a taste many years ago and doesn't care to go back. Maybe that's why he's anxiously fingering the small cardboard box in his coat pocket? It's something he knows he shouldn't have, something that'll do more harm than good, but fuck if it keeps his head above water enough to let him breathe , he's willing to try just about anything…
Tooru's eyes were tiredly watching the ground, watching scuffed boots splash in inky puddles with every step, the reflected light swirling violently as a result. If this continues, he's going to have a hell of a time covering all the wear and tear up with makeup… Licking his cold, chapped lips, Tooru finally let his gaze drift back up as he grew near his apartment complex.
Oikawa froze in place, his foot still positioned to take another step, adrenaline spiking, the cold rain getting just a bit colder. Cold, chapped lips trembled, struggling to form silent words, to express any of the millions of swarming emotions within him. No…! Please no… He can't… he can't process this, not now - not ever …! The figure shifted, hands buried deep in coat pockets, legs helping the figure remain lazily propped up against the gate. No no no…! Tooru's quivering breath lodged in his throat as the figure raised his head - confirming what he was already painfully sure of - vivid green eyes boring into his being. Emotion was already prickling at the edges of his eyes, his body going into meltdown. Despite resembling a drowned rat, it was still undoubtedly him … From the eyebrows, nose, cheekbones, lips, jaw, ears, eyes… Completely and totally…
" Hey, Tooru…"
Iwaizumi fucking Hajime …
" I figured you'd be staying late, thought I'd be able to beat you here." He pushed off the wall, turning to properly face Oikawa. The fingers that were previously toying with the box in his pocket were now shaking horribly, body unsure of what to do in this situation. You wanted him to chase you , his mind taunted mercilessly, and here he is! Ready for the chase! Willing his lungs to function and his legs to continue their motion, Oikawa continued on with a wince. Here, of all places …!
" I texted you," Iwaizumi simply stated, cutting through Oikawa's very center. The closer he gets, the stronger the desire to embrace him gets… It almost feels good to just be this close to him again, the comfort he's been seeking oh so tantalizingly close.
" Called you, in fact. Many times." From three feet away the hurt in Iwaizumi's tone was disgustingly clear.
" I suggest you leave now. I'm not afraid to contact security and have them helpfully escort you off the premises for trespassing," Tooru gritted out, somehow managing to keep himself from falling apart as he passed Iwaizumi, pointedly avoiding any eye contact with him.
" Hear me out, please !" Oikawa jerked to a halt at Iwaizumi grabbing onto his wrist, the touch pleasantly warm, his lip trembling again. Iwa took a breath, starting again. " Look, this wasn't at all what I wanted. I never meant to hurt you, Tooru, you've got to believe me! There was a misunderstanding. I just want to talk it out with you, but not here. I just want you , I want you to hear what I've got to say. Give me half an hour! Just, just half an hour, please ! I-I can't do this anymore…!" Oikawa's resolve was quickly disappearing, chipped away steadily by that fucking voice of his. There's nothing more that Oikawa wants than getting Iwaizumi back, but his mind is reluctant to trust again… But… maybe…? " Tooru, I love-"
In a split second Tooru had ripped his hand violently out of his grip, those three words still too much for him to hear. He whirled around ready to swing at Iwaizumi if he was too close, feeling how much his eyes were burning with the onset of tears.
" Get the fUCK OUT OF HERE! JUST, JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Oikawa yelled, taking a few steps back from Iwaizumi, downright loathing the look of hurt confusion on that pretty face. Before Iwa could even respond, Tooru turned and bolted, too scared to think to anything else but getting back in his apartment.
" Tooru! Wait!"
" Go home! Leave me alone! I don't want you! It's over!"
Oikawa nearly fell as he slid into the entrance, scrambling to shut the door after him, clicking the lock into place just as Iwaizumi hit the door. His chest heaved as he backed away from the door, Hajime jostling the door uselessly, shoulders slumping. Oikawa whipped his head to look over to the bewildered receptionist before returning to Iwa. Said hockey team captain was the picture of patheticness; his hair was glued to his forehead and face, hands pressed against the glass, completely out of breath, eyes pleading and desperate.
"... Tooru…" It was nothing but a small whisper, nearly drowned out by the pouring of the rain, yet it hurt Oikawa the most out of anything. Tears started silently spilling over Hajime's cheeks, his flushed face breaking Tooru's heart. Not able to look at his ex-boyfriend anymore, Oikawa faced the second set of doors.
" Don't let him in, no matter what. Under no circumstances is Iwaizumi Hajime allowed in here." Oikawa directed the receptionist, who only nodded in understanding as Oikawa walked inside without another word. If he had thought he might've been making some progress before, it's all lost now, thanks to Hajime…
The hand in his pocket firmly grasped the small cardboard box, needing it now more than ever with this unexpected setback…he's starting the fall…
And there's nothing left to catch him...
A/N AHHH I HOPE YOU GUYS ALL ENJOYED THIS! I TRIED TO GET IT OUT ASAP WHILE I HAD SOME FREE TIME FOR ONCE AND I DON'T KNOWWW! I hope it's still enjoyable and I promise the next chapter will be more cohesive without my skill level varying wildly throughout the chapter D: And the angst will only get worse in the next chapter~~