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Apologies, but this chapter is currently unbetaed. I didn't want to post late so I'm putting it up as it is now and will replace it with a betaed version ASAP.

I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.

I took a few steps towards the patio doors, my feet crunching in the crisp, white snow that had already settled on the decking. Before I reached for the door handle I paused and turned back to face Edward.

If I didn't listen to what he had to say now I'd always worry what he was about to tell me. My mind skipped straight to the worst case scenario, he had brought some new girlfriend back for Christmas with his family.

Or he was engaged.

Or married.

Or she was pregnant.

I shook my head, I needed to stop overthinking this and start facing reality. "Did you…have you been with anyone else?" I swallowed thickly, barely able to voice those words.

"Bella…"

"Edward, please," I insisted, speaking through gritted teeth. He owed me the truth.

Edward ran his hands through his hair, brushing off the falling snow and sighing as he did so.

My heart dropped to my feet. Then lower. I'm pretty sure it left my body because I could no longer feel it beating and I was beginning to feel faint.

I couldn't breathe.

He wasn't answering me.

"Edward?" I whispered.

"No. No, Bella, I haven't." He sounded adamant.

As I watched the snow build on the railing Edward had been leaning on minutes ago, I processed his answer.

No.

I let the word seep into my brain, my body, my soul. The silence surrounding us was amplified by the falling snow. There was no distant traffic noise, no chatter creeping through from the house, nothing to detract from his voice, his words.

No

I let that word help my heartbeat again, help my breathing regulate, and let my eyes rise to meet his.

"Honestly?" I asked, still shocked.

"Honestly," Edward answered. I knew he was telling the truth. I could still read him. "Not even close," he scoffed, shaking his head, more to himself than me.

He took a step closer to me, pushing his hands into his pockets as he spoke. "I'm telling the truth, Bella. But while we're talking about this I should tell you I took a girl back to my room," he admitted, looking shamefaced. "I was so damn miserable. I wanted to forget you and what I'd done to you, but nothing happened, I asked her to leave when I realized…" he trailed off.

"Realized what?" I prompted, unsure whether to be mad that he'd gone that far with someone else, or relieved that he hadn't gone any further.

"That she didn't smile like you. That she didn't have that little freckle you have on your collarbone. That she didn't laugh at my unfunny jokes. That she didn't smell like you. That she wasn't you."

He paused, pulled his hands from his pockets and took another step closer to me. Baby steps, closer and closer.

Too close. Closer than we'd been in weeks. So close I could smell him. His aftershave. His shampoo. Just him.

I took a step backwards, needing the space to think clearly.

Edward merely stepped forward, closing the gap once again as this time he held my elbows.

"I realized she didn't love me like you love me. And I didn't love her like I love you."

My eyes widened at his unexpected words as I took in a deep breath of icy cold air. It hit me with such sharpness I didn't know if it was Edward's words or the ice cold air that was freezing my ability to think straight.

"I know right?" He laughed but there was no humor in his tone. "It was a pretty inconvenient time to realize, just as another chick wanted to unbutton my shirt."

I recoiled from his words, but Edward held my elbows even tighter, reassuring me.

"She didn't get as far as the top button…she left. I never saw her again. Or any other woman for that matter. One of my buddies even asked me if I was gay because I'd shown so little interest in women. He was ready to hook me up with his brother!"

Edward tried to interject some humor as I stared at him.

"Edward, this is a lot of information to take in. It's hard for me to believe you know what you want now." Was Edward really saying he still loved me and wanted us to get back together?

"I know exactly what I want. I also know I made a massive mistake."

Edward looked sheepish as he glanced up at me leaving me glad for his honesty, but confused by his words because it was hard to believe this whole conversation was happening.

"How do I know you won't just change your mind a few months down the line?"

"No." Edward was emphatic as he shook his head. "God, no, Bella." I've been without you for forty-two days, I'm not doing that again. Not if I can help it. Not if I can rectify this."

"I don't know if we can," I told him honestly.

"Then I'll wait." Edward wasn't fazed by my words, he took hold of my elbows and guided me out of the falling snow to the shelter of the swing seat I'd been sitting on not long ago.

Edward had already done the hard part by breaking up with me. If he truly didn't want us to be together he'd have made polite conversation with me earlier before letting me leave him to his family Christmas celebrations. He didn't need to be here, spilling his thoughts and feelings to me.

He picked up the discarded blanket on his way to the swing seat and passed it to me.

"Cute as that snow looks in your hair, if you catch a cold it'll be all my fault and I don't want to give you any more reasons to hate me."

I'd forgotten all about the cold and the snow settling around us, creating a white blanket that should last long enough for the kids to see tomorrow, on Christmas morning.

I was in too much shock at Edward's words to do anything with the blanket, I just held it and watched him take a seat next to me.

Right next to me, his thigh touching mine. So close.

"Bella, you're shaking." He sounded concerned as he took the blanket from me and leaned forward, scooping it over my shoulders and under my neck as I recoiled slightly from his closeness. His smell. His touch.

He seemed unfazed by my reaction as he studied my face.

"It's so good to see you. I've missed you so much." His voice cracked with emotion, emphasizing the truth behind his words.

I wasn't about to tell him how much I'd missed him. How I'd spent the three weeks after our break up wearing his sweater, until it no longer smelt like him. How I'd avoided places I knew I might bump into his family. How I'd walked the long way to Math class, just so I didn't pass his photo in the sports trophy cabinet.

"Really?" That was all I could manage.

Edward scoffed. "Yes. I know I've been such a jerk, such a damn idiot and I know I've hurt you so much, but...we were so good together...remember?"

It was my turn to stare at him. Remember? I'd spent six weeks trying to forget.

"Bella?"

I snapped out of my thoughts.

"I know I'm going to have to make this up to you but I want you. I want to make us work."

"You want me back?" I clarified. I knew he'd made it pretty obvious by now, but disbelief still clouded my tone.

"Yes!" Edward breathed out, his hand resting on my thigh, warming me up instantly.

"But you were adamant…you…" I ran out of words. I didn't understand.

"I know I haven't been making much sense lately, Bella but I'm trying to admit that I know I was wrong. I wasn't strong enough." Edward shrugged, as he left his words hanging in the cold air for a few seconds. He reached over and lifted my chin, raising my eyes to meet his before he spoke again.

"I was selfish. I let the peer pressure of college get to me. I'm not going to play the victim here, but you need to know how hard I was finding Chicago. College life wasn't going the way it should, the way it did for Emmett or the other freshers I'd met, and I tried to fix how I was feeling, but instead I made everything ten times worse and I screwed up. Big time. I should have turned to you for support rather than turn against you. I've learned that now."

He must have noticed my confusion because he continued. "I was miserable, missing you all the damn time. I felt like missing you and doing college long distance with my mind constantly back in Seattle was what was making life tough. I thought that was what was holding me back from making friends and settling in. This was never about being with someone else, it was me thinking if I could commit fully to Chicago without looking backwards all the time, I'd be happier."

He scoffed. "Clearly that wasn't the case. I was miserable without you, Bella. I'd find myself picking up my cell to call you, and if something happened, you were the first person I wanted to tell. I...I know I fucked up, so badly."

"This wasn't about your being with someone else?" I repeated his words back to him.

"No. I realize now people assumed that and I didn't correct them. Maybe I should have, but I didn't want to admit to anyone how hard I was finding it being away from home, from family, from you. It was easier to let people think I was some horny teenager wanting to take full advantage of college life than it was to admit I was homesick like a little kid away at summer camp for the first time."

"But you're admitting it now."

He nodded and ran his hands up his stubbled jaw. "Yeah, because I owe you the truth." Edward huffed, clearly frustrated at himself. He took a deep breath and continued.

"Bella, I know I made a massive decision about your life, our lives, and you had no control over that. I'm sorry. But now it's your turn to make a decision and I understand if you want to hurt me the way I hurt you..."

"Edward..." I interrupted. "I don't want to hurt you, I just don't want to be a weak idiot and come running back into your arms the minute you decide you want me back."

He shook his head. "This isn't my decision. It's yours, you have the power now. You have options now and I'm letting you know that I'm one of them."

I looked at him. Really looked. His angular, stubbled jaw was clenched as if he was desperate to say more but stopping himself. His chaotic hair was dusted with fresh, pure white snowflakes that rested momentarily on the copper strands before melting away to who knows where. His body was tense and alert, waiting to hear what his future would be. And his eyes...they were so sad. They reminded me of the Edward I'd seen when Carlisle returned home from the hospital and told the family Grandma Cullen hadn't made it through the night.

In this moment, sat in front of me, he looked so venerable, so young, so like the Edward in childhood photos hanging in the hallway. But, as he relaxed his jaw and sat up straighter, he looked stronger, like the man I'd seen him grow into, like the man I was in love with.

I could pretend we weren't going to get back together. I could pretend I needed time or a break, or to date someone else and make him suffer like I had, but I couldn't do it with any conviction because none of that was what I wanted.

I wanted him. Right or wrong, I wanted him.

Now. Not in two weeks when I'd made him wait. Not when Christmas had been and gone and I'd spent it alone and confused.

I now had the chance to spend Christmas and New Year with him. Maybe it was the Christmas magic in the air, or maybe the kid's excitement had rubbed off on me, but I knew I wouldn't make him wait. We'd wasted enough time already. It was the season of love and forgiveness and, as we sat in silence I watched the snow fall elegantly around us and listened to the faint sounds of Silent Night drifting in the air.

I looked into his eyes and I saw it. His regret. His hurt. His love.

I nodded at him. "How long have you wanted us back together?"

He sighed, ran his hand through his hair and sat back in the seat. "I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as I walked down your driveway away from you. I left Forks that same night, so I didn't have to face my family. I thought over the next few days and weeks I'd start to feel better. I thought I just needed time to get into the swing of my new life, but it never happened."

He stared out to the garden, looking mesmerized by the falling snow before turning back to me. "I'm sorry this is what it took to make me realize how good we were together and to realize just how much I love you."

"Love or loved?" I whispered the words, not really sure I wanted to hear the answer.

Edward's fingers stroked softly over my thigh, such a small movement but with such big connotations.

"I've always loved you. I will always love you, even when I don't want to!" he joked. "I realize what we have is special, I know that now and I'll never forget it." His finger edged onto my thigh again, drawing small circles on the denim of my jeans, saying so much by doing so little.

I blew out a frosty breath and watched Edward's long finger as I tried to process his words.

"I know you might have moved on...I might be too late…I get it…"

I scoffed at the idea of moving on from Edward. Being with someone else so soon was unfathomable to me.

"I wouldn't blame you, Bella," he added. "Plenty of guys at that school were eager to be in my shoes, trust me, surely Mike Newton has hit on you by now?" His voice was humorous, but I heard the slight bitterness when he spoke of Mike, a guy in my year and almost all my classes at school.

"I, errr, he wouldn't have had much of a chance. I haven't been attending as many classes as I should lately," I admitted quietly as Edward's expression turned from questioning to confused.

"Bella? Seriously? You need to graduate on time, baby, Seattle's waiting for you," he encouraged as I listened to his casual use of the word baby.

"You still want to go there for college, right?" He checked, knowing that's what I'd wanted since before we met.

"Of course. I got back on track. I'm on course to graduate just fine." I'd never let him derail my plans, heartbroken or not, I'd make it out of this town next year, no guy could stop me from achieving that.

"Good." Edward looked relieved but still looked serious when he spoke again. "I know I have no right turning up here and wanting you back, but I want you to know, I'll wait. If you need time, I'll wait for you."

"Edward, I don't want to take you back, just like that…"

"I know." Despite his agreement, his body language looked defeated. His shoulders slumped, and his fingers froze on my thigh.

"No. I said I don't want to take you back so quickly, not that I wouldn't. I love you, that's not a secret. I spent a lot of time lately wishing I didn't, but I do."

Edward smiled, the first genuine smile I'd seen from him in months.

"You do?"

"Don't push it," I warned him. "I might not be able to stop loving you, but I might not be able to stop hating you right now either. You fucking broke us, Edward!"

"I know, and I'll say I'm sorry a thousand times if it'll help."

"It won't. I haven't forgiven you yet...but I'm willing to try."

Edward's lips rose in a genuine smile as I tried to remain angry and not give in to the smile tugging at my own lips.

I didn't want to forgive him too easily, I wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me, how his actions broke me, broke us, but it was hard to remain angry when he was saying everything I'd dreamt he'd say.

He wanted me back. He loved me. He didn't leave me for someone else. He hadn't been with anyone else. He was sorry. He'd learned a valuable lesson.

This could make us stronger, eventually.

"Bella, these past few weeks have been the worst of my life, but I have learned a lot of things. I've learned that I can live without you...I just don't want to. I'm not exactly pleased this has happened but that's really powerful to know—that I'm choosing to be with you. We're not together out of habit or cowardliness, it's because I want to be with you and because I love you."

"Are you sure? I can pick myself up from this and move on but if you did it again…"

"I won't. I've learned my lesson and I'll prove it to you."

"How are you gonna do that, huh?"

He smiled as his hand crept onto my thigh and squeezed.

"You'll see."

We sat in silence for a few minutes while I tried to process everything Edward had said. I looked out at the skies, to where the snow was still falling thick and fast.

I'd been so angry at Edward, for so long that I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't want to waste energy on negative emotions. I wanted to believe him and believe we could make this work. It sounded like he'd been fighting is own battles in Chicago and it certainly hadn't been all fun and games for him like I'd imagined.

"Where did you go tonight?" I asked, suddenly curious. It was odd that he hadn't been here when I arrived, I'd have expected him to spend all of his short visit with his family.

"I was looking for you."

My gaze snapped to meet his. "What?"

"Yeah. I landed at four, dropped my bags, and, much to my mother's dismay, left straight away. I wanted to see you before Christmas. I'd just about given up when I came home and there you were, in my kitchen, all soft skin and sad eyes, all cute and…just you."

"Just me," I whispered. Just Bella. Edward had free reign of who knows how many hot girls and he wanted me? It felt good to know I hadn't over judged our connection, our love. He felt it, too, and neither of us had been able to move on.

While I'd never be pleased this had happened, I had to agree with him. It was good to know we were choosing to be together because we wanted to be, not out of old habits or fear of an alternative future.

"I know we have a lot more to discuss, and we will need to work through this for a while yet, but maybe we should go inside and get warm and dry?" Edward suggested, looking out at the snow falling so fast we couldn't see past the decking into the garden any longer.

I turned to him and nodded. "Are you ready to go inside and face the inquisition?"

"God, my family's gonna give me such shit over this," Edward said, running his hand through his hair, but sounding cheerful. "Emmett turned up in Chicago to…"

"What? He flew there?" I was stunned. He had a job and a young family, he couldn't just fly across the country at a minute's notice.

"Yeah," Edward emphasized. "Apparently Mom and Dad were worried I was on drugs or something. They sent him to find out 'why I'd lost my damn mind'," he quoted as I loved the Cullen family a bit more than ever. "Emmett gave me a right ear full, we ended up fighting and..."

"What! Were you okay?"

"You won't be surprised to hear Emmett came out of that fight better than me. I ended up with a black eye…"

"What!"

"It wasn't his fault," Edward clarified. "He was trying to shove me off him and somewhere in the mix my cheekbone slammed into a street light pole."

"But you two are okay, now?" I checked. I'd hate to come between Edward and Emmett and be a cause of friction between them.

"Yeah, we're fine. When he left, he was still pissed at me but at least he believed I wasn't getting high each night." Edward tried to sound casual, but I could tell he wasn't proud of his actions.

Edward slid the patio doors and held them open for me. As I stepped through, he held the small of my back, touching me, guiding me, helping me. Choosing to be with me.

Thanks to RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. Thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!