October 22nd

Being back in Antonin's arms calmed Hermione to a level she didn't expect. She'd spent so many years simply taking him for granted that when he was gone from her life, she came to understand how much she preferred when he was at her side. It was unfortunate that it took such a long, winding, and painful path to get to that conclusion. Even when he was just her teacher she respected him more than everyone else. She always thought they made a good team. Somewhere along the way she'd forgotten the truth.

One heated kiss in front of the fireplace led to many. They hadn't even had the chance to drink enough fire whiskey to blame the alcohol for their actions. No, once she kissed him back, there was no stopping the escalation. Not that Hermione minded. Antonin took her empty glass from her hand to drop it on the floor with his. With both of her hands free, he moved them around his neck. He didn't even break their kiss to pick her up and carry her over to the bed.

There was a rightness about tumbling back into bed with him that she would never allow herself to contemplate too clearly. Neither one of them were innocent or blameless in the messes of their marriage. They certainly had never been able to go very long without cheating on the other, but when they put their attention and their efforts to working together, they were unstoppable. What a fucked up pair they made!

Afraid that she was going to overthink what was happening and make it into more than it actually was, Hermione began tearing at her husband's clothes. Antonin didn't care. Not even when she heard threads ripping. What was the benefit of being a wizard if one couldn't cast a reparo every now and again on clothing ruined in the heat of passion? He repeated the same motions with her own clothes.

She was embarrassed for him to see her naked again. It was only when the heat of the air in the cottage blew across her bare skin that she remembered the scars from her horrible night of torture. Draco had been able to heal many of them, but not all. She wasn't even sure if the Healers at St. Mungo's would've been capable of doing so either. It seemed that cursed blades would be her lot in life. When Antonin's eyes fell on her scarred torso, she tried to pull her clothes back on. He stopped her with a gentle touch of his hand.

"I'm afraid that I look a bit different than when you saw me last."

There were countless slashes across her torso of varying lengths and depth. Aubin and Wood were incompetent. They didn't understand the importance of uniformity in their cuts. It was a wonder that she didn't bleed out before Draco was able to save her. She hadn't been brave enough to look at her back yet. Looking in the mirror had become difficult with the ugly scar just under her eye. She feared that she would never get used to the change in her appearance. Glamour spells might work or even heavy makeup, but she'd been afraid to try. What if they didn't? What if she had to spend the rest of her life staring at the scar?

"You have always been the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, my love. Nothing has changed. These marks only prove what I already knew about you. You are one of the strongest, most resilient people I've ever known."

She knew that Antonin wasn't the type of man to spout off pretty words to get inside a woman's knickers. At least not hers. He had too much respect for her to do something so tawdry and disingenuous. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes. How was he able to have such an effect on her? It wasn't that long ago that she didn't even remember how to cry.

"And these scars will also remind me that I can't afford to rest until those arseholes who gave them to you are punished."

He furthered his point by pressing his lips against one of the scars above her breasts. Before he went any further, touched any other part of her body, or allowed her to touch him, Antonin kissed each and every one of the new scars on her torso. She had no doubt that he would repeat the same action on her legs and her arms when he saw the marred skin there too. Though it had long ago faded to be almost non-existent, he finished up by tracing the scar he was responsible for giving her when she was a teenager in the Department of Mysteries with his lips. Several times over the course of their marriage he'd expressed regret for hurting her that day, but still maintained that she and the other children present that day had no business being there in the first place. She didn't argue because he was absolutely right.

Once he was satisfied that he'd lavished her battered body with enough attention, he finished undressing her. From there, the rest of their encounter proceeded quite quickly. She didn't care. If they could somehow manage to move on from the hurt and pain of the previous several weeks, they would have plenty of time to make up for it. Neither one of them collapsed on top of the rumpled bed out of breath until they were both satisfied. Relishing the feel of Antonin's weight on top of her body, she didn't let him roll off of her at first. She wrapped her arms around his back and just held him there.

"Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me for what I did?"

Her question surprised both of them. She didn't even realize she'd spoken it out loud until Antonin lifted his head to stare in her eyes. Once it was out though, she didn't regret it. She needed to know. They couldn't even consider having a partnership of any kind if he was still angry with her. Antonin shifted all of his body weight to his elbow to keep from crushing her, but didn't break eye contact. When he didn't immediately answer, Hermione worried that she wouldn't like his answer.

"I already have, Hermione."

And yet again, she knew that he was telling the truth. She didn't need to be a Legilimens to see the sincerity all over his face and in his eyes. Feeling like a heavy weight was lifted off of her, she exhaled. He continued.

"If I may be honest, I've been very angry with myself that you ever felt like you had to lie to me. Angry because I knew you didn't want a family, but I pushed you anyway."

Some people might be willing to forgive her for her actions simply because of her potions addiction, but Hermione thought that wasn't right. She should never be given a free pass simply because she allowed the potions to consume her life. Maybe they would've believed she'd only acted the way she had because she was in the throes of a serious addiction. It just simply wasn't the truth. Even before she started accepting the potions from Rabastan that would consume her soul, she didn't want to have children. Not once in her entire life could she even remember a time that she did want them. If she even allowed herself to consider becoming a mother before the war ended and her former life did too, she merely thought children were an inevitability that she couldn't escape. One day when she was comfortable in her position at the Ministry she would consider having a child. But once she faced the world post-Harry, she wanted to be a mother even less. Drinking too many potions was not a good enough excuse for terminating her pregnancies without her husband's knowledge and lying about them. Or murdering an innocent woman to keep the secret. She'd made the decision and she had to live with the consequences.

"If my home isn't the safest place for my wife, I've failed."

Antonin's answer surprised her. She could feel a tightness in her chest, but for once, it wasn't because of fear or anger or shame. He had the power over her to make her feel very emotional. Few people did.

"I was very angry with myself, Hermione. Wasn't until you were attacked inside St. Mungo's that I realized it. Finding all of that blood in the cottage only made it clearer to me who I was really angry with."

Hermione wasn't the only one who was emotional. His deep brown eyes shone with unshed tears. He was offering himself up in a sincere moment of vulnerability. She liked him when he was at his most open. Needing to give him some sort of reminder that she was all right, she kissed him. It didn't escalate any further than just a few moments of lips pressed against lips, but it served its purpose. Antonin calmed.

"I'm sorry you were afraid when you couldn't find me."

"I'm sorry you were alone."

He ran his hand through her curls, another one of his habits that used to annoy her, but now brought her a profound feeling of comfort. There was still so much they both had to say about the subject. So much that hadn't been resolved or addressed. But, Hermione was content to wait. They could worry about everything else later.

"If you'll forgive me for it all - the fight, Ginny, leaving you, all of it, I'll make sure as long as I'm alive you're not alone."

The magnitude of his words were clear. She knew what he was offering: a chance to essentially start over. As tempting as it was to rush right into saying 'yes', she knew that their world, their lives were too complicated. She wouldn't feel right holding him to that promise until they'd both laid everything out in the open. Only when they could be completely honest with the other could they hope to be successful.

She still had secrets that she wasn't ready to bare just yet. Not only about where she'd lived after she was attacked or what she'd been doing while they were apart. A massive secret that wasn't exactly hers to tell still hung over her head. Would Antonin forgive her if he found out that she knew he had a daughter and she never told him about her? Part of her was afraid that he would see a family with Ginny as a better option than what he had with her. Maybe once upon a time in their fucked up marriage she would've seen that as an attractive prospect, but no longer. In the deepest part of her soul, she held out hope that Brazil was still a possibility for their family, still held out hope that their little family had any kind of future together. She wouldn't accept his offer until all of the secrets were out in the open. Neither one of them was ready for that.

"I'll stay tonight. We can worry about forever later."

It was enough to satisfy him in the short-term. They followed up their first round with another and then shared a long, hot shower where Antonin was able to prove that sex in the showers wasn't just a young man's game after all. When they were too tired to keep their eyes open, Hermione relaxed in her husband's embrace. She didn't know what was going to come next, but she felt more confident that she could meet it with Antonin than without.