Ramen Doodles
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.
Challenge me, will they? Then I'll show them, I'LL SHOW THEM ALL, MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ahem… Thanks to the brilliant suggestion of one of the reviewers (you know who you are), I've decided to rename the fic "Ramen Doodles", as it is more appropriate a title. Without further ado, he's another series of snippets for another random, insane idea I put together with help at TFF.
As Tsunade poured over some unpleasant paperwork in the Hokage's Office, she sighed and rubbed her eyes.
Waste management...? Since when do I have anything to do with that? Guhh... I need sake...
She reached for her bottle, only to snatch her hand back as her apprentice and TonTon burst through the door. Tsunade cringed, preparing herself for another lecture from Shizune (she could never stand them), only for her ears to meet an entirely different statement from her assistant.
"Oh, Hello Tsunade-sama! May I use your TV? Mine's broken."
Tsunade blinked as Shizune went over to the television set in her office anyway, switching it on to channel 11. Then, as happy as a schoolgirl Shizune plopped down in front of the set with a big smile. TonTon sat down next to her, bweeing cheerfully.
"Eh?"
"Oh! Just watch Tsunade-sama, you'll love this show!" Shizune enthused. "It's something Naruto and that Aburame boy put together!"
Naruto... And the Aburame boy? Tsunade thought, staring in utter disbelief as the show began with Shino and Naruto sitting in what appeared to be a room in Naruto's clean but aged apartment. Shino wore a beret while Naruto had donned a black T-shirt with the logo "I do my own stunts" emblazoned on it under a bright orange jacket.
"What you're about to see is stuff you should never, ever try at home," Naruto stated in a grave tone.
Shino nodded minutely.
"We're what you would call "experts."
"Oh God," Tsunade groaned as Shizune and TonTon cheered. This could not end well.
Narrator: Who are the Mythbusters? Naruto Uzumaki.
(Scene of several Naruto clones being burned to death horribly.)
Naruto: Oh man, I am having way too much fun with this...
Narrator: Shino Aburame.
(Shot of Shino in a wetsuit)
Shino: I feel kind of sexy...
Narrator: Between them, more than ten years of experience in pranks, jutsus and high explosives.
(Naruto examining an irate Sasuke's eyes with a magnifying glass.)
Naruto: Spin, damn you!
Narrator: Joining them, Iruka Umino.
(Iruka lying under some debris)
Iruka: Ugh... Yeah... Perfectly safe kids...
Narrator: Tenten Tsume.
(Shot of Tenten with pigtails making kissy faces at a dummy head)
Tenten: For good luck, Buster!
Narrator: And Kiba Inuzuka.
Kiba: *grin* I'm here for the food, explosions, and chicks.
Narrator: They don't just tell the myths-They put them to the test!
Naruto grinned into the camera.
"Hey viewers! Today we're testing out the safety of the new 'automobiles' being ordered by the Fire Daimyo for the capital," Naruto stated, making quotation marks in the air for "automobiles." He wasn't sure what it meant, but he liked the expression that the Western representative from the car company had made.
"The car company 'claims' that it's 'automobile' can survive 'anything', so we're going to put that claim to the test!" Naruto finished with a grin and air quotes.
"However, rather than using a Naruto clone in the car," Shino stated from nearby said automobile, setting a wooden dummy with a smiley face painted on it in the driver's seat, "we will instead use Buster."
"Yes, Buster! A decoy wooden and plastic training dummy sometimes used at the academy. Donated by Iruka-sensei. THANK YOU IRUKA-SENSEI!" Naruto shouted, waving off-camera. It's view shifted, spotting the nervous-looking Iruka giving a weak thumbs up.
"You're sure the dummy-?"
"Buster!" Naruto shouted. Iruka sighed.
"Right... 'Buster'. Are you sure he won't be too beat up?"
"Sure I'm sure!" Naruto grinned, though the camera spotted the crossed fingers behind his back. "Now then Shino, what are we testing first?"
"Well... First we're going to see if this "automobile" can stand up to a few of the more common assassination jutsus," Shino stated. "Such as the classic 'Fireball no jutsu.'"
"Which was provided to us by Sasuke Uchiha, the sexually confused heir of the Uchiha Clan. THANK YOU SASUKE!" Naruto waved at the camera with a wink.
At his home, Sasuke seethed and ran off to make a revision to his revenge list-Naruto first, Itachi second.
"All right, let's see what she can take!" Naruto enthused, as Shino and the cameraman walked to a safe distance from the car. Naruto took a deep breath and made the hand seals.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE! FIREBALL NO JUTSU!"
A blast of flame left Naruto's mouth and slammed into the automobile, resulting in a terrific explosion. KABOOM!
As the smoke cleared, there was very little left of the car (and Buster) aside from charred remains. Naruto winced and looked over at Shino, who raised an eyebrow.
"Okay... I think we can conclusively state that this 'automobile' cannot stand up to 'anything' as the salesman 'claimed'," Naruto stated, making several finger quotes. Shino looked over at Naruto.
"Why are you making those hand signs?"
"... I really don't know..."
"NARUTOOOOO!" Iruka bellowed, after staring in complete shock for a few moments. Naruto coughed, and glowered.
"HEY! Don't blame us! 'Blame' the 'automobile company' for their 'allegedly' 'indestructible' 'automobile'!"
"You're making the hand signs again," Shino noted dryly.
"So?"
"Maybe it's a myth that methane is flammable?" Naruto asked, as he watched their latest test subject, Sasuke, run around screaming in agony.
"It's not a myth, we're just idiots," Shino observed.
"Uh, hi... Do you have hardcore, to-the-bone death metal?" Iruka asked the music store clerk. The clerk smiled cheerfully.
"Do we ever!"
"You suck, freshman!" Tenten's recorded voice shouted at the plant in the green house. Naruto and Shino looked at eachother, then looked over at Tenten.
"You called the plant a freshman?" Asked Naruto. Tenten shrugged.
"I was running out of material!"
"It's the newest kid thing. It's Brick Car! It's faster than anything and uglier than anything, too," Naruto enthused.
"And if you throw it really hard at your brother, it'll kill him," Shino deadpanned.
"I'll take three!" Sasuke shouted off-camera.
"Science, plus beer, equals good!" Kiba cheered.
Naruto and Shino looked up at the giant Shukaku construct. They looked at eachother.
"Chicken cannon?" Naruto asked.
Shino shook his head.
"Home-made enhanced explosive notes?"
Shino nodded. Naruto grinned and looked over at the camera.
"We're about to test the myth that you can't glass sand with explosive notes... By the way, guys? You totally deserve a raise for all the crap you have to record us doing."
Meanwhile...
"I may be tempted to spare your pitiful village, Sensei, if only for two people," Orochimaru hissed. Sarutobi blinked across the roof.
Two? Sasuke must be one... But who...?
"Sasuke and who else?"
"SASUKE?! Bah! I'll grab him when I need comic relief and a new body! No, I mean Naruto Uzumaki and Shino Aburame!"
"The Mythbusters...? You're a fan?"
"OF COURSE I'M A FAN!" Orochimaru squealed in a disturbingly girly fashion (which, considering "his" current body was female, was not a stretch) as he opened his top to reveal a Mythbusters T-Shirt underneath. "I'M THEIR BIGGEST!"
Sarutobi sighed. He should have known...
(By DhamphyrX2)
"Today on mythbusters we're testing the myth that Inuzuka women are the wildest women in bed in all of Konoha. To test this myth Naruto and myself will spend several hours pleasuring Inuzuka Hana and Inuzuka Tsume," Shino explained as the second edition of the Icha Icha myths special aired across Konoha and the rest of the Elemental Countries.
"Of course every experiment needs a control, so we'll have to service several other women from the mild in terperament to the extreme, to create a fair baseline for comparison," Naruto added with a smile.
"To help us test this myth, we'll be revisiting out old friends form the Hyuuga clan from our test of the "Hyuuga Effect" myth," Shino began.
"Best 'myth confirmed' ever," Naruto interjected with a dreamy smile.
"Indeed. We she also be enlisting the aid of our special Mysthbuster Tenten, who will be assisting Naruto and I, along with, Yamanaka Ino, Ichiraku Ayame, and Mitarashi Anko to help further the experiment.
"And remeber, as always on Mythbusters the health and safety of the team and the crew is our top priority, so the Hokage's apprentice Shizune has been kind enough to oversee all the experiments and monitor everyone's health for things like dehydration or extreme exhaustion," Naruto informed the viewing audience.
(By troutpeoples)
"Today on 'Mythbusters', we have a special for some of our biggest fans. We have entered the hideout of an organization called-"
"Akatsuki," Shino stated blandly, knowing that Naruto wouldn't have remembered.
"Yes, the Akatsuki, to test several myths sent in by-"
"More like hundreds of myths," Kiba grumbled. "That 'Tobi' guy never shuts up."
"Several suggestions and episode ideas have been sent in by e-mail-ers tobi_isaGOODBOY, foolishlittlebrother3, jashindemands_sacrifices, and JAWS7, so we have decided to pay them a visit and take up a few of... their..........wait." He turned to Shino, who was looking off camera. "Did you say Akatsuki?"
"Correct."
Silence reigned as Naruto looked back and forth between the camera and his partner-in-crime.
"Uh... maybe we should go...," he said nervously.
An explosion shook the lair as an orange-masked figure ran past the screen.
"SEEEEEEEEMPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A small clay bird flew by, and another explosion sounded.
"WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU BASTARDS ARE INTERUPTING MY WORSHIP!"
The room quieted down after that. Until a harsh, sufficating killer intent blanketed the entire area.
Uchiha Itachi stood in the kitchen, face impassive, Mangekyou Sharingan spinning wildly. "Who took my pocky?"
................
Kiba looked down at the chocolate-flavored pocky he had found near the door of the lair. Hastily, he shoved it into Shino's hands and ran like hell.
(By cyrusII)
Myths to investigate?
"One time a chuunin got his hands on the Hokage's pipe and let's just say that wasn't tobacco. Stay tuned to see if this is a bust."
"Alright, so one ANBU story says that a kunai, if used right, won't cut the vag-"
"NARUTO!"
"WHAT?! IT'S AN HONEST MYTH! We even got Anko as a guest star!"
"It's a long told myth that Abruma's are, to put it simply, the best lays of all time for women. Now, lucky for us-"
"It's true."
"Errr... how Shino?"
"The bugs... they are... handy."
"....... really?"
"We decided today to let the ladies take over the show to put a spin on a few more feminine myths. Here's Tenten and Anko!"
"Hey there fellow ladies! Guy's claim, the bigger the breasts the bigger the chakra reserves. So we have to ask, the bigger the chakra reserves the bigger the package? Let's find out! Hold him down Tenten!"
"RUN SHINO, SAVE YOUR-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-... ok new favorite use for the ring on the end of a kunai..."