Ramen Doodles
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.
I've been rather busy preparing for Starfest 2009, a scifi convention going on in Denver. I'm going as the Tenth Doctor. Look for pictures to go up at my DevArt account probably next week.
This chapter was inspired by watching Crayon Shin-chan. Imagine Iruka as a part-time superhero ala Enchman. Complete with cheesy theatrics, improbably expensive secret lairs and intervening in domestic squabbles. How did he get that way? Well, Iruka caught Jiraiya peeping early in his life, and Jiraiya made a blatant lie that he was actually watching out for the women because he heard a rumor that a pervert was nearby.
"Yes! Gallant Jiraiya looks out for the welfare of all!"
The much younger Iruka gaped in aw and his eyes sparkled at Jiraiya's dramatic pose.
"WOW! That is so cool! When I grow up, I want to be just like you!"
"That's the spirit, kid!" Jiraiya grinned. "But uh, you should probably have a disguise... It lets you do works of good against evil without evil trying to find your loved ones and use them against you."
"Like... An alternate identity?" Iruka asked. Jiraiya nodded.
"Yes!"
"Very well, Gallant Jiraiya... I will fight for truth and justice from now on, as... DOLPHIN MAN!" Iruka declared, striking his own pose.
"Um... Sure kid, whatever floats your boat," Jiraiya mumbled, stealing away from the obviously deranged youth.
Most of the ninja just assume he's some kind of harmless nut. Many of the kunoichi can't help but be enamored with the mysterious crusader. And Naruto, with his love of adventure and theatrics, can't help but like this Dolphin Man too.
Even though the majority of his adventures end up making him think he should have gone with "Bicycle Repair Man" or "Helping Little Old Ladies Across the Street Man"...
You know, most people think of me as a fairly ordinary, nice school teacher...
Iruka sighs as he looks over another essay. "Konohamaru's ideas of ascending to the Hokageship... Does he think this'll fly?"
Quiet, unassuming...
Iruka stands up from his desk and stretches.
"Hey, Iruka!" He turned and sees a pair of teachers walking past. He waves back.
"We're headed to the bar, you wanna come?" One of them asks. Iruka shakes his head.
"Nah, think I'll get ahead in my work.."
"All right, suit yourself," the teacher shrugs. As they head away Iruka can clearly hear him mutter to his friend, "Sheesh, guy's like a robot. Just works and works..."
"I know!"
But if you thought I was just another average chuunin at the ninja academy...
Iruka walks over to a map of the elemental countries, and checks behind him... Before pressing on Snow Country. The wall swings around, sliding Iruka behind it.
You'd be wrong.
"DOLPHIN MAN, AWAYYYYY!"
Iruka blinked as his watch began to beep loudly. He smiled at his class.
"Kids, I'm afraid I need to head out for a bit. I'll be back in a few minutes... So don't think you can get away with anything!" Iruka growled.
"Yes Iruka-sensei," the class dutifully recited. Iruka slipped out the door and ran to a closet. He opened it up... And made a face.
"SUKI! KEN! HOW CAN YOU DO SUCH A THING DURING SCHOOL HOURS?!"
"B-But we-!"
"You're just lucky I'm not one of the children!" Iruka growled.
He slammed the closet door shut and sighed, before rushing to another hidden entrance to his lair. He was very glad he'd made several...
Minutes later, Dolphin Man was cruising above Konoha on his Dolphin Glider. He wasn't quite sure why he'd named it the Dolphin Glider, but naming things after his superhero alter-ego just seemed right. He swooped down on the source of the call, landing on the roof of a small flower shop.
"Never fear, Dolphin Man is here!" The Bottlenosed Hero announced dramatically.
"EEEK!"
Dolphin Man blushed hard under his mask and felt a nosebleed coming on. He immediately recognized the furiously blushing, scantily clad blonde woman as Akina Yamanaka, Ino Yamanaka's mother. She dropped the phone and covered herself up.
"D-Dolphin Man! Wh-What are you doing here?" She squeaked. Dolphin Man blinked.
"I uh... tracked the call to the Dolphin Hotline here... Is there a problem?"
"Dolphin... Hotline...? Uhhh..."
Dolphin Man's eyes wandered over to the opened phone book. He sighed as he saw that his (very small) listing was right next to "Daikeru's Phone Sex".
"W-Well... Now you're here and all," Ino's mother purred, uncovering herself, "I just remembered... I do have an emergency... Only you can help me with..."
"Uh... Is-Is that a kitten stuck in a tree? Pardon me! DOLPHIN MAN, AWAAAAYYYY!"
Dolphin Man leaped out the window and fairly glided for his life, while Akina snapped her fingers.
"Damnit!"
Dolphin Man sighed as he finished fixing the sink. He stood up and smiled to the woman who had called him. "There you are ma'am... Your pipes are fixed."
"Why, thank you Dolphin Man!" Sachiko Haruno, Sakura's (also very attractive) mother giggled. Her smile turned sultry. "I don't suppose you could also fix... My shower drain? You see, whenever I'm in there... Naked and wet... It makes a strange noise..."
Dolphin Man twitched as a bit of blood escaped from under his mask. "I-I need to go..."
The scene changes with a cheap plastic dolphin figurine spinning around on screen.
Iruka sighs and sits in his Dolphin Lair. "Maybe I shouldn't have taken out a listing in the Yellow Pages... If I have to visit one more lonely MILF..."
Iruka shook his head and stood up, pacing.
"Hmmm... Maybe some sort of... Spotlight signal? Or a special phone for the police to use? ... Nah, they wouldn't go for that, that's stupid..."
Tsunade blinked as she surveyed the Hokage's office. After cleaning it out, she'd located a small... Signal lamp of some sort in the window with a symbol drawn on it.
"And just what the heck is this?" She asked Shizune. Her assistant shrugged and looked over to one of the chuunin nearby. He coughed.
"Uh, Hokage-sama, that would be the Dolphin Signal."
"Dolphin... Signal?" Tsunade asked slowly. The chuunin sighed.
"Just turn it on, ma'am. You'll see..."
Tsunade frowned. She'd checked the device, and there wasn't anything dangerous about it she could see... So with a shrug of her own she switched it on.
A bright blue beam of light, chakra-enhanced, shot out from the device and formed the shape of a dolphin high above Konoha. A few minutes later, a dark blue-clad man jumped through the window.
"Dolphin Man reporting, Hokage-sama! How may I be of assistance?" The Caped Cetacean asked dramatically.
Tsunade's jaw dropped. Shizune couldn't help but swoon a bit at the heroic (and very nice) figure cut by the superhero. The chuunin smiled wryly.
"Hokage-sama, this is Dolphin Man... Our resident superhero."
"... Where is your jump cable attached to?" Tsunade asked flatly. Dolphin Man opened his mouth... And shrugged, striking another dramatic pose.
"I don't really know, Hokage-sama!"
And yes, anyone who wishes to use these snippets and omakes as starting material for a story need only ask.