Ramen Doodles
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.
Kind of a twist on the Naruto bloodline idea. Actually, it's more like a really twisted twist on the bloodline idea. But it proved popular enough for many people from TFF to get into the act and contribute to the madness, so I'm showcasing their talents just as much as I'm showcasing mine. Enjoy!
During the Chuunin Exam Prelims, Sasuke's match...
"Yes! Fear the power of my angst!"
Sasuke's eyebrow twitched, and he turned to glare at the blonde who had made his life hell. His opponent, a member of Kabuto's team, followed his gaze.
Three red movie theatre chairs had appeared on the catwalk overlooking the arena. In the middle sat Naruto, grinning with a big bucket of popcorn in his lap. On either side of him sat Hyuuga Hinata and Akimichi Chouji.
"D-Drat! M-My mask doesn't l-let me pout back at h-him!" Hinata quipped.
Sasuke ignored the remarks and threw a trio of kunai at his opponent, who dodged despite the distraction by leaping high into the air.
"The rarely seen Uchiha hopping ritual," Chouji added through a mouthful of popcorn he'd stolen from Naruto's tub. Naruto glowered at him, but his focus was soon back on the match as Sasuke's opponent closed in, trying to hit Sasuke directly.
"The infamous 'Bad Touch no jutsu,' banned everywhere but Sound country," Naruto intoned gravely.
"HA! My touch drains the chakra right out of you!" Taunted Sasuke's opponent. "You have no chance against me!"
"I need an adult! I need an adult!" Chouji cried.
"Drain...? Is h-he serious?" Hinata asked.
"Yes, he distinctively said 'drain'. Puts that kiss you had with him in a whole new light, huh Naruto?" Chouji asked with a grin. Naruto stuck his tongue out at Chouji.
"Hey hey hey! Riff him, not me! Wars are started that way!"
Sakura had, by this point, moved far away from the slightly insane trio and covered her face with her hands. She would never get used to Naruto's "Riffing jutsu".
In this timeline, Naruto, rather than pranking, instead sets up a movie theatre chair and begins riffing on the idiocy around him. Why I leave up to the writer. Perhaps he was a member of the Satellite of Love at some point.
In any event, Naruto is often joined by others in riffing the events of his journey, making obscure cultural references even he isn't entirely sure he understands. With Kage Bunshin no jutsu he still keeps in the fights and so forth but the theatre chairs somehow keep him safe from everything, as though reality itself was bent by this bloodline or jutsu to mock life in safety.
Here are some other snippets written by myself:
*The Bridge Battle against Haku...*
Tsunami: "Naruto-kun, while I appreciate the effort, rushing into the mirror death trap does not seem the brightest idea you've ever had."
Naruto: "I'll say. See Sasuke's idea of 'alone time' is just plain creepy."
Inari: (as Sasuke) "Stupid Naruto, you're blocking my view! If I have a zit I'm kicking your ass!"
*Naruto goes Kyuubi...*
Inari: "His power level; It's over-!"
Naruto: "Don't you dare finish that sentence..."
*Zabuza's arms are disabled by Kakashi..."
Naruto: "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling dogs and their ninja!"
*After Haku is defeated, she takes Inari's place in the riffing*
Haku: "Excuse me Naruto-kun, but why...?"
Naruto: "Believe you me, you don't want to know. I don't know."
Haku: "... No one could accuse you of being the Man Who knew too Much, then."
Naruto: *grins* "You're going to fit right in..."
*Gato plummets to his death...*
Naruto, Tsunami and Haku: "Noooooo! Wave Country Disneyland is RUINED!"
*After Sasuke muses about how he now has the power to destroy Konoha*
Naruto: Oh, fail! Fail! Fail!
Hinata: Naruto-kun, h-how many times are you going to say that?
Naruto: As many times as I see fail. FAIL!
Chouji: Let's move on...
*On Pein's six bodies*
Naruto: HEY! Gangbang no jutsu is copyrighted, bitches!
Chouji: *begins humming "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" when the female Pein body comes on*
Hinata: "Fear me, for I support the nearest coin Laundromat all by myself!"
*On Sasuke drinking Karin's blood*
Naruto: Okay, he's pasty, he has an ugly-as-fuck bat-thing form, and he drinks blood. Since when was Anne Rice on the writing staff?
*On the Lightening Country Team*
Hinata: "Bitch, my boobs are bigger than yours." "Bitch! You take that back!"
Naruto: There's an R. Kelly music video in here somewhere...
Chouji: P. Diddy?
Naruto: Well they have enough bling...
*On Suigetsu's intro*
Naruto: *as Sasuke* Hee hee! Now I have a fish boyfriend too! Take that, Itachi!
Chouji: Does he like himself shaken, or stirred?
Hinata: "This sword doesn't need to compensate for anything!"
Naruto: I know, he could like, be a one-man tentacle monster.
Chouji: I much prefer fish soup.
Hinata: Hmph, gangbang no jutsu is better...
Now the Biju get into the act:
Kyuubi:From downtown Konoha, it's yet another episode of 'Saturday Night Live!' What do you have for us, Niibi?
Niibi: It looks like your host is so stupid he can't tell that my host is desperate for his 'hot kitty cream', if you catch my drift.
Kyuubi: Looks like another evening of pestering that lumpy pink meatbag for a date when half of Konoha's female population would enjoy a little fox in 'em.
Shukakku: Since when did this turn into Love Hina?
Shukaku: You know your series has approached critical fail levels when you're emulating Akamatsu.
Kyuubi: What about Negima?
Shukaku: That's different. Negima kicks ass, Love Hina's all about domestic abuse.
Niibi: Enough about that...
*Hinata gazes at Naruto longingly.*
Kyuubi: The real Hyuuga bloodline: Stalk no jutsu.
Shukaku: Dude, she's totally checking you out!
Kyuubi: Feh, her resolution is set too low.
*As Naruto is punched out once again by Sakura.
Niibi: Proud Graduate of the Narusegawa School of Overreaction Self Defense...
Shukaku: Hey! Enough Love Hina references already!
Kyuubi: Kind of hard to resist, Racoon Boy.
By JiigarGhen
*Hinata greets Naruto after his return from the trip with Jiraiya*
Kyuubi: Holy Mother of GOD! What has SHE been eating this whole time?!
Niibi: Damn it...I've got to get my host to eat more. Maybe I can funnel all of the nutrients to her chest?
Shukaku: ..........
Niibi: Shuukaku? Are you alright?
Shuukaku: Boobies.....
Niibi: *smacks Shuukaku* Snap out of it, they're not that enticing!
Kyuubi: I beg to differ. Besides, weren't you just talking about trying to get your host's breasts to grow?
Niibi: That's....that's different!
And here is what Lord of Bones wrote in response:
Nibi: Hah, my host's are better!
Shukaku: Prove it!
*a few days pass*
Yugito: Are you Uzumaki Naruto?
Naruto: *nods*
Yugito tears open her vest and flashes Naruto. Naruto keels over, nose bleeding and with a massive grin on his face.
Nibi: I told you they were bet - Kyuubi? Shukaku?
Kyuubi & Shukaku: .....
Nibi: Guys?
Kyuubi & Shukaku: .....cat-girl boobies.
And now, some written by A-Kun:
Naruto: *sees Anko* "SCHWING!"
Chouji: "Tent pole!"
Hinata: *blushing strongly* "S-she's magically babeilicious."
*Naruto and Chouji look at her, then at each other*
Chouji: "YES! We've finally corrupted her!" *high-fives Naruto*
Orochimaru: "I always enjoy your reports, Kabuto..."
Hinata: "Th-the part of Orochimaru will be played b-by Michael Jackson."
Chouji: "I think it's baby powder. Of course, that might explain why Kabuto's hair is grey..."
Naruto: "Hey, Kabuto, is your codename 'Deepthroat'?"
By Preventer Squall:
*watches Kimmimaro's life flashing before him*
Naruto: I smell a montage!
Choji: I think that's the sad attempt at making a sentimental moment.
Hinata: O-Or all of Kabuto's 'This is m-my real hair color...HONEST' hair dye.
Kabuto: *glances at his bleeding hand* This is a disappointing fight. I was hoping for more against the great Tsunade.
Naruto: It's not her fault. She probably hasn't seen that kind of emo self-cutting crap since her breasts were natural.
Shizune: How many times must I remind people about cutting their wrists: Across is a loss, Straight is great!
Tonton: Bwee!
Naruto: You said it, Porkchop!
By Final Max
: MST of intro to Forest of Death :
Naruto: Look guys, it's a forest.
Inner Sakura: Of DOOM!
Shikamaru: How'd that get here?
Naruto: Maybe she's got a clone out there too.
Shikamaru: Wouldn't that make her far more competent than she is?
Inner Sakura: Eh, I'll be sacrificed later to make her more than competent, but let's get back to the action.
(Anko gets behind clone-Naruto after cutting his cheek)
Naruto: ... What the hell am I doing here?
Inner Sakura and Shikamaru: We're wondering the same thing.
Naruto: That's it, I'm outta here.
By cyrusII
*Haku fight*
Naruto: Would it be overdone if I said "It's a trap!" right now?
Inari: Might as well give that old horse one more ride before you shoot it
Naruto: ITS A TRAP!
*Sasuke prelims fight*
Naruto: There's about as much testosterone in this fight as in "The Devil Wears Prada".
*After seeing Sakura with super strength*
Naruto: Shit, she's got Sakura on the roids now too.
Hinata: R-roids rage much?
*Sasori fight*
Naruto: So, puppet fetish or what?
Choji: No, but you gotta admit it would be pretty cool.
Naruto: What?!
Choji: Come on man, it's pretty much perma-morning wood.
Naruto and Hinata: ....
By Luthorne
"And, ladies and gentlemen, the person we've all been waiting for...and waiting for...and waiting for...and waiting for...but nevertheless! He arrives! The emo duck of the night, the damp cloud of vengeance, the most popular victim of pink eye in Konoha...let's give it up for Sasuke!" Naruto raised his fist, cheering raucously.
"Ah, and yes, we can all see just why he was so late, almost getting disqualified for his match. Obviously, he realized that he was going to be the center of attention, not just of Konoha, but representatives from all over the Elemental Countries! Thus...he needed a change of clothing! Hinata, what's your opinion on the subject?" Chouji said sharply, opening up a bag of popcorn with manly determination.
"...Well, it can obviously be seen that Sasuke remains true to his inbred Uchiha roots, showing his loyalty by wearing the blue. However, he seems to have ripped the bandages off of Lee, if only because he probably doesn't have the body to pull off the spandex," Hinata said, gaining confidence as she went on, a vicious smirk at the last segment.
"Oh! Couldn't have said it better myself, Hinata!" As Hinata smiled happily, Naruto continued on, "Yes, we can tell by the noble way his eyebrow twitches madly in our general direction that he is a true Uchiha...Itachi's eyebrow used to twitch in exactly the same way when I made fun of his sandwiches! Really, what kind of guy puts mayo with mushrooms and avacodos?"
"Indeed, Naruto...a true sin against the collective culinary arts," Chouji said gravely, munching on popcorn. "But, now...onto the match! Here, we have the stylish Gaara of the Desert...unlike Sasuke, his fashion sense remains immutable and timeless with the muted colors that suit him so well."
"And...action!" Naruto shouted, pumping his arm up and down as Gaara, albeit with a raised eyebrow, began his assault on Sasuke...
By Big Babidi
*PTS Sasuke's first appearance*
Naruto: You know, for someone who supposedly doesn't care about his fangirls, Sasuke sure as hell doesn't dress like it.
Sai: Yes, and on that subject, what is Sasuke wearing behind him?
Naruto: Eh? What do you mean?
Sai: That... thing. It's as though someone took a large pretzel, painted it purple and slapped it on the back of Sasuke's ass. I talk about penises all day, and that still disturbs me.
Naruto: I don't know. Maybe it's there to give Orochimaru an excuse whenever he gets caught licking his lips while enjoying the 'hawt view'.
Sai: I may have no emotion, but what you just said is going to give me nightmares forever.
*Tsunade kissing Naruto*
Naruto: Ok, let me get this straight. A hot, older women kissed me on the forehead, then proceeded to put her hand on my chest, then started blushing... and yet I'm still trying to go out with Sakura. Are you fuckin' serious?
By ArchangelBloodraven
Sasuke vs Gaara.
Hinata: So we have the ultimate eye...
Naruto: Versus the ultimate armor...
Choji: If they start changing things by drawing circles and clapping their hands, I'm outta here.
By Finbar
Sasuke stood atop of the statue of Madara, glaring down at Fighting!Naruto
"But I'm more special than you!"
Naruto: "More special? What the hell?"
Hinata: "Behold! Uchiha Vocabulary no Jutsu two! The ultimate fuckup."
Choji: "Somehow he managed to get this far in life without the ability to speak a full sentence. Man, Itachi really did cause massive brain damage"
Naruto: "The superior Uchiha, all the power, none of the basic language skills."
Hinata: "No, this is proof that he wasn't actually saying anything, all these times he just 'Hnn'ed. He was struggling to speak real words."
By AkinaAE86
*Karin's intro*
Naruto: And now we have the latest addition to our Tsundere collection and top graduate of the Narusegwa School Of Painful Overreaction.
"What the fuck did you just say?!"
Chouji: Stalker, bi-polar and violent. Just how emo boy likes em'
Karin twitching uncontrollably
Hinata: ...I'd hit that
Karin freezes in shock and bushes
Chouji and Naruto: ....
Hinata *pokes fingers* W-What? I-I like red heads.
Naruto: Hinata, I think I love you.
By RockLeetheAwesome
*On Juugo's intro*
Naruto: So the guy transform's when he gets angry, huh? Is his hair gonna turn gold?
Chouji:*Deep Throaty Voice* HULK SMASH!
Hinata: I wonder if the trigger for his transformation is a spoken word. My womanly intuition says it's "OH, FREAK OUT!"
By JRDeBo
During the first fight with the rasenshuriken.
Naruto: He's an idiot. *stares at his counterpart rushing the enemy only to have the attack dissolve before contact*
Choji: He called it a shuriken even if he can't throw it? I bet he would name his dog Spot.
Hinata: He's cute like that, but remind me later to be the one in charge of naming our kids.
Choji: Did he even test this technique? He should of known there was a time limit.
And, last but not least, more snippets by me!
*During the first encounter with Sasuke after the Time Skip*
Naruto: Okay, is he... Hugging me or something? Whispering in my ear? What the hell is he doing?
Hinata: Orochimaru destroyed his sense of personal space.
Chouji: No doubt it was a hard, long, penetrating experience.
*Everyone snickers. Sasuke's eyebrow twitches*
Naruto: *As Sakura* "No! I cannot live without you turning me down for dates! Or ignoring me! Come back, it'll be like old times!"
Hinata: As if she wasn't getting it from Kiba every night. Man, she can howl.
*Sakura blushes furiously and angrily denies it*
Chouji: How do you-?
Hinata: Byakugan.
Chouji: Oh. Duh.
*Sasuke turns and glares at the trio*
Sasuke: Fool, I am powerful enough to see through your jutsu. You cannot mock me safely anymore. You should have never pursued me.
Naruto: Awww... But Sasuke! How could I abandon you? You provide, what, 50 percent of the material for the jokes I make?
Hinata: In later episodes, more like 100 percent.
Naruto: That's cold, Hinata, damn cold.
Chouji: Unfortunately, it's accurate.
Sasuke: *draws his blade* I will end your riffing once and for with this-! *Is pwned by a Rasengan to the face by Naruto's clones*
Naruto: Woah... Wait. Did I just break the fourth wall?
Chouji: He broke it first.
On Konohamaru's Rasengan:
Naruto: *in a hillbilly accent* Yeah, yelling at some kid and bopping him on the head will learn him some Rasenganing! Yee haa!
Hinata: What, the brat gets the Rasengan but Sakura is the only female to get a powerup?!
Chouji: I'm concerned by this fixation Kishimoto has on pretty, underaged boys with magical powers... Think he's trying to say something?
Naruto: He doesn't have to say anything, we know he sucks!
On the destruction of Konoha:
Naruto, Chouji, Hinata: KANEDAAAA!
Naruto: Ichiraku Ramen was in that village! You-You maniacs! You blew it all up! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
Chouji: And the Korean Beef Restaurant! And-And McNinja's! *sniffle* You bastard!
Hinata: Gee, y-your concern for the well being of the other people in the village is m-moving, you guys.
Naruto: Eh? There are... Other people in the village?
Chouji: I just thought there was a bunch of potentially interesting characters that the camera occasionally passes over, then immediately switches over to pretty boys with really bad cases of pink eye.
Hinata: You both suck.
Naruto: But seriously-What the hell?! Since when did Pein go jihad on us?
Chouji: God of Peace, Religion of Supreme Irony.
Naruto: Amen.
By all means, review. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows.