hello
Another chapter and I hope everyone had a great weekend this is a long chapter had trouble with it but finally finished it. Thanks for the feedback I needed some help and I reached out to some of you thank you for it. I used the song by 38 Special "Caught Up In You" that is in this chapter I stumbled across it while I was writing this chapter and since it was an 80's tune thought I'd use it. Hope you all enjoy finally the real talk, like I said before all errors are mine. Just borrowing characters of one of my fav 80's show.
Tell me what ya think.
Chapter 50
I just let the best thing that's ever happen to me walk out of my life.
How had I just blown my chance with the woman that completed me? That filled my heart with so many emotions that I didn't know how to deal with them? The one I had finally realized I needed by my side always?
I look at her literally running from me. I had spoken without thinking. Everyone had gotten into my head and now I've lost her. I had let my fear overtake me and I regret it now.
Hearing her gasp and me snapping out of my daze I realized what I had done.
It was like an out of body experience I was watching me spew out things that were in my head that should have never come to light. Being stressed out of what had happened these last few days and having my ever move monitored had taken its toll everyone was against me and that scared kid inside of me thought maybe I shouldn't have tried. But the damage was done. The hurt in her eyes it was like I had slapped her.
I had said what was in my head, but it was too late. The hurt I had just caused I wanted to kick myself. No wonder they all were trying to get me to listen to them. I didn't know how to be in a real relationship everything before CJ was superficial not something to build a future with.
How did I make such a mess of this? I wanted her. No one else. How could I have brought up Elizabeth at a time like this?
Because I thought at the time, I was in love with her, but I was in love with the feeling of being needed that wasn't love, it was something to feed my ego wanting to be a knight in shining armor to someone that I thought needed me and loved me.
It was infatuation and it wears out after time the love I had for CJ was indescribable.
When I thought I had lost CJ it was unbearable, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat all I wanted was to find her and never let her go. I had spiraled to a dark place that I would not have survived if we did not find her.
Falling into that dark hole had happened to me before but it was her that had guided me to the light.
Not knowing who had her or what was being done to her had driven me crazy. Not listening to my family telling me not to give up but to rest, eat that she would need me once we found her fell on death ears. I started to drink heavily, I thought I'd find her at the bottom of a bottle and drank till I couldn't feel any longer. Waking up at home not knowing how I had gotten there and then looking at myself in the mirror had snapped me out of my self-pity stupor. I vowed then and there I would find her tell her I needed her she was my heart and I finally realize that she was the woman I had been measuring every relationship I've ever had.
All of what I had done to try and show her how I felt, and I failed. I had hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt.
Bull in a China shop.
Uncle Roy was so right. I wasn't treating her like she should be treated. This was inexcusable, I was the one that wanted to talk I was the one that keep kissing her. I was the one that wanted to be more than a friend so why couldn't I just tell her this? What was my major malfunction? Why couldn't I just find the words that would show her she was the one for me?
What is in your heart? The voice of reason whispered in my head.
That you love her more than life itself that these last few months have been painful but also eye opening. That the woman of my dreams has always been beside me.
I shook my head, "why couldn't you just say that you jackass."
I went to sit on a bench next to an ice cream truck.
"Hey buddy how about some ice cream might brighten your day after your little argument with the misses."
I looked at the guy he was smiling and pointing to the truck.
"Ice cream makes everything better."
Music was playing it was a song I had heard earlier with Star in my car.
"Can you turn that up please?"
"I'll do one better buddy I'll start it over."
The song played again, and I listen and started to relate it to us.
Except for the line about her walking away that would never happen I wouldn't let it.
"So how about that cone buddy?"
I looked at the guy got up and pulled 3-hundred-dollar bills, "Please sell me your player and that CD in it. I needed it it's a matter of life and death. My life if I let that beautiful woman, you saw me arguing with earlier walk away and also my death if our family finds out how bad I screwed the pooch on this."
"Are you serious? 3 hundred dollars buddy it's not worth that much how about this I give it to you, I'm a sucker for love been married over 25 years and the sun still rises and set on her she is my whole world. Here take it. Anything else you need?"
I pointed to something, and he got it for me.
"You sure you don't want a cone?"
"No, I'm afraid she'll dump it over my head. Thanks, you might have saved my hide."
I saw the tip jar and put the three-hundred-dollar bills in it. "Take your wife out for a nice dinner and dancing, I hope I can pay it forward 25 years from now and this I do know the sun rises and sets with my CJ."
He thanked me and handed me the player telling me it had brand new batteries and I started towards CJ. she had to hear this song it was us.
I found her she had her knees up and hugging them. Her face was hidden but I could tell she was crying.
I stood next to her cast a shadow over her she looked up with tears streaming down her face. "What part of I want to be alone did you not get Houston? You said your peace now leave me alone. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Just go away. You're not ready that's okay I'll still be your best friend side kick again. The one that will pick you up when your next distraction hurts you. Good old reliable CJ always there for Matt Houston."
She said the last with a whimper and turned away from me.
"No! I screwed up I should have said that you are the most important thing in my life. You've always been my girl since we were little. You have been for as long as I can remember. I'm the one who should be begging you for forgiveness I've botched this I know, and I want to make it better CJ if you won't listen to me listen to this song."
I thrusted the player at her and pressed the play button and waited.
I never knew there'd come a day
When I'd be saying to you
Don't let this good love slip away
Now that we know that it's true
Don't, don't you know the kind of man I am
No, said I'd never fall in love again
But it's real and the feeling comes shining through
I'm so caught up in you
Little girl
That I never did suspect that I'd be
So caught up in you
Little girl
That I never wanna get myself free
And baby it's true
You're the one
Who caught me, baby you taught me
How good it could be
It took so long to change my mind
I thought that love was a game
I played around enough to find
No two are ever the same
You made me realize the love I'd missed
So hot, love I couldn't quite resist
When it's right, the light just comes shining through
I'm so caught up in you
Little girl
You're the one that's got me down on my knees
So caught up in you
Little girl
As the song progress she stopped crying and listened she looked up at me and turned away.
That I never wanna get myself free
And baby it's true
You're the one
Who caught me, baby you taught me
How good it could be
Fill your days and your nights
No need to ever ask me twice, oh no
Whenever you want me
And if ever comes a day
When you should turn and walk away, oh no
I can't live without you
I'm so caught up in you
And if ever comes a day
When you should turn and walk away, oh no
I can't live without you
This was stupid, why did i do this I should just walk away.
The song ended she didn't say a word. I had blown it and needed to face the truth. She would never forgive me for hurting her. I looked at the ocean wondering if I should just go and drown myself. I didn't know what I was going to do if this didn't work.
"So, you think this song represents us? I'm not a little girl Houston haven't been one for a while."
I looked down at her she was looking at me waiting. Thread lightly she's giving you that inch don't blow it. The voice in my head yelled at me.
"No, you're not a little girl, you are a smart, beautiful, brave, breathtaking woman that I've had the privilege of watching grow into her own. You amaze me every day, CJ I never tell you that enough. You set your mind to something, and you accomplish it."
She looked out to the ocean, "Do you want to sit with me?"
I sat down so quickly and tried to take her hand. She moved away, okay I needed to give her space and wait for her next move.
"I think you've done enough talking it's my turn please don't interrupt me I only want to say this once."
My heart sank she was going to tell me to go take a flying leap off the pier, but I would hear her out I've done enough damage and if this was what she wanted I'd accept it. Who was I kidding I'd find a way to show her how crazy in love I was with her?
"We've been friends for as long as I can remember that first time we met, and you held me while I cried my eyes out and still came back every day after that never leaving me you don't know how much that meant to me. You saved me Houston. I didn't think I would have survived living with my aunt and Uncle if it wasn't for you. That is where my loyalty lies with you. Your right everyone else has an opinion regarding our relationship. But they don't know the whole history of us. We've been on this journey together for so long and I always thought my love would be enough to guide you to me that one day you'd see me for me. I wished so many times that it was enough for you, but it seems that it's not."
"CJ no it is I just didn't want to screw this up please…"
"I asked you not to interrupt me you said your peace let me say mine."
She took my hand my heart soared, was she giving me a second chance?
"I don't think you're ready for a relationship with me and I'm okay with that. A lot has happened these last couple of months. You almost got married, I almost lost my best friend because you know things would have changed once you were married. You wouldn't be a PI any longer I would have left Houston Inc. maybe gone back to Texas and start something new maybe a free legal clinic. I was offered so many positions here, but I knew I couldn't stay. I'd feel weird Elizabeth never warmed to me and I would hate that she would feel that she needed to tell you not to be my friend any longer."
"That's not true she understood our relation…."
She raised her hand, "no woman or man ever understood our friendship. I lost plenty of boyfriends and you girlfriends over this and Elizabeth wouldn't have been any different. The attention you've given me these last couple of months had given me hope. But I was being very cautious I didn't want to push something that was one sided. You weren't ready for this, and I was right. You did break down a lot of my barriers, I let you, thinking that maybe you wanted this too. You where there for me at hospital, I still don't know everything that happened to me, and I know you have more information than you are telling me, and you are doing this to protect me, but I need to face that as I am facing that you may never have the same feelings as I do for you."
She let my hand go and covered her face. I had caused this. I needed to make this right.
"Can I speak now?"
She looked at me I reached out to wipe the tears that rolled down her face. She whimpered and closed her eyes but nodded.
"I never ever want to see you cry because of me. If I could take this pain away from you I would. I want to protect you. I always have since we were little. You got your facts wrong though. You saved me. Don't you remember who got me through my nightmares who held my hand through the night sneaking into my room, risking your uncle's wrath if he ever caught you, being there for me when I was scared? Who brought me out of that dark hole when I came back from Nam without Will? You. The damage I did to our friendship shutting you out lying to you thinking it was easier for you to hate me than to see the broken man I was when I came back. It's always been you. You are my soul you are the woman I've subconsciously compared my distractions too yeah that's what they were distractions. I am going to be brutally honest CJ. I never thought I was good enough for you. You deserve someone better than me and I accepted that. You said I don't remember the 3 times you told me you loved me? I do. The first was right before I went to Nam and I know what you wanted from me, but I couldn't do that to you. If anything had happened to me you would hold that with you, not moving on with your life I couldn't be the reason you didn't full fill your dreams so I pretended not to hear you, I ignored those three words, I saw the hurt in your eyes, but Will came, and you let it pass. You were with me every day in that Hell hearing you say I love you to me kept me going. When I did come back, I was a shell of the man you once knew. But your love saved me, I had the opportunity then and there to say I love you but instead I let it slip through my fingers."
She looked at me in shock. I smiled.
"Second time was at the warehouse when Andrea was killed my only thought was to get you out of there in one piece I didn't care if I made it and when you told me those three words during a gun fight, I wanted to kiss you then and there but my wanting you safe won out."
She shook her head. "You don't understand how those were the worst 30 days of my life. You heard what happen I couldn't function by the 20th day I was losing hope that I would never see you again. I cried every night. Carol and Maureen stayed with me worried I might harm myself but I knew you were alive don't tell me how, but I just knew, and I told them that. They thought I was crazy, Too Mean believed me and he was out there looking for you every day and the disappointment he felt when he had to tell me he had no news was painful. When you called me, I thought I was dreaming but I ran every red light and stop sign to get to you and I just wanted to hold you and never let you go. That was what was going through my mind when I told you I love you. I didn't want another day to go by without you knowing this, but you didn't say anything, and I felt foolish for saying it I think I even thanked God for being shot so we didn't have to talk about that moment afterwards."
She's right I didn't understand how she felt than. Now I'd might have harmed myself if she had been missing for 30 days. I don't think I would have survived it. I heard what had happened and how it had affected her afterwards. She'd wait till I was ready to go home, and she'd walk down with me or invite me over for dinner or we'd go out. Her showing up the next morning with coffee or to make me breakfast. I remember one time I had brought someone home after we had a long night at the office and her coming in and finding me with my distraction in the kitchen. She looked disappointed but put on a smile dropped off the coffee and muffins and my distraction thought she was my secretary and made a derogatory comment that didn't sit well with me and her being showed the door. I came to the office to find my best friend hard at work and never waiting or coming in the morning to bring me coffee again.
"Third time was right after I asked Elizabeth to marry me. You didn't exactly say I love you but the conversation we had implied that. Jealousy was never something that I ever saw in you but that day I could see something was bothering you. I had been having doubts about why I had asked Elizabeth and then you came to me, and I gave you some crappy answer saying I'd be happy for you when you walked down that aisle to marry another man. I know you wanted me to say something, and I should have but I had made my commitment and I thought I was just getting nervous I believed I loved her but in reality, it was not love I know that now. Love is what I feel for you CJ. I've never felt this way it's hard to explain but know this is something special and I never want you to think I don't love you because I do. The bonus in all this is I got to fall in love with my best friend. The one that's seen me in good times and bad the one that has always had my back and vice versa. I will always be there for you never doubt, or like the song said 'If there ever comes a day when you should turn and walk away' I will still be here for you. Honestly I hate that line, but I will abide by your wishes."
She had her head down. I had laid my cards on the table this was about us not our family or what was going on. Just us.
It seemed like hours then I realize I had something else to give her this was my last attempt my Hail Mary.
"CJ can we just start over Please? I swear I will be better at this can you give me another chance?"
She looked at me with a weary face thinking why she should give me another chance. So, I pulled out my last chance.
"Hi, my name is Matt Houston please don't cry I'll share my chocolate bar with you if you stop what do you say?"
I pulled out the chocolate bar from my pocket. She gasped and shook her head. I opened the bar and handed her half.
She bit into it then looked at me.
"The third time no that wasn't one of the three times."
I looked at her surprised, "What? Wait I thought you kind of said you loved me but in a subliminal way okay let me think when you said I love you to me."
She waited and I tried to remember, I know the times recently but maybe when we were younger. Not elementary I didn't start noticing girls till I was in Junior High, okay nothing then it came to me.
"Prom? Nope you said it to Kenny Davis not me we all were in the limo you had a little too much to drink you said it to him not me after he carried you into the car and I took over, he wasn't happy and neither was my date she expected fireworks after the dance but I ended up taking you to my house and carrying you in and keeping an eye on you all night to ensure you didn't get sick."
She looked at me, "No it was you that carried me out of the dance Julia said I blurted it out to you and then I passed out. Oh my god did I say that to Kenny Davis no wonder he still calls me."
She shook her head and covered her face.
I chuckled, "Kenny is still pining for you? Wow commitment. You and Julia had snuck into her Daddy's liquor cabinet and were pretty gone that night. I made sure nothing happened to you. Kenny had a plan and well it didn't come to out like he wanted. So that I love you was meant for me. Hmm."
CJ pushed me. I tried to hide my smile but couldn't.
"You shouldn't be smiling mister I'm still plenty angry at you. I should have professed my love to Kenny, he's a doctor in Houston and from what I heard is one of the top 10 Bachelors in Texas. Maybe I should make a trip out there, maybe something might spark again."
I narrowed my eyes, "Please say you're kidding. Or let me finish what I want to say before you go off and marry Kenny."
She looked at me for a long time. "Don't screw this up, I might regret saying this but go on."
I turned towards her. Grabbed both of her hands and spoke from my heart.
I told her everything that I had wanted to say. From my fears of what would happen if I screwed this up to how I felt when I was around her.
I stumbled when I tried to explain my short comings and her telling me that no one was perfect and me blurting out that she was the closest thing to perfection I had ever encountered.
She laughed.
"Houston, I am far from perfect. I am so flawed but hide it so well. I don't want you to think this. I am myself with you I don't have to watch what I say or do and now I'm afraid I won't live up to your standards."
"You are perfect CJ, you make me want to be a better man. I thank God that you have been by my side all these years. You have kept me on the straight and narrow for so long. I'll be honest when I was younger it really got to me that you wanted to do the right thing all the time but when I strayed and got my backside smacked by Daddy you were always there to tell me I told you so and there to tell me not to make the same mistake twice."
"Have I always been such a Debbie Downer wow this is your life, CJ Parsons."
I squeezed her hand and told her no. That she was the voice of reason that always was right, but she had that mean streak that would come up and I knew she wasn't the goody two shoes everyone thought she was but, in my heart, she was perfect and hopefully mine.
We sat not saying anything I moved closer and put my arm around her she leaned in and placed her head under my chin.
"Are you done?"
"Groveling? Not even close. But I need to know do you still want to take a chance with this big dumb cowboy that needs to think before he speaks and only focus on the love of his life. Oh, if there is any question it's you."
"I'm just as scared as you Houston but this hiccup just made me realize that so many things are happening right now, the timing is not the best. Jake is still a part of our lives that cannot change. I want you to understand this. How can we embark on a relationship together if his future is unsecured? His needs come before mine right now. Maybe, us getting together should wait till we get this settled. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear from me but sitting here thinking what I want supersedes what is necessary. Star's safety needs to be ensured and whatever Ms. Bloom asks of me tomorrow I will do it. I want Jake in our lives. He has no one. We are the only things keeping him from being a ward to the state and until we find out what happened to his mother, I will be his person. I feel a connection to him, and I won't give that up."
She hadn't moved waiting for me to respond. I needed to be careful and not screw this up.
"I understand that little boy has captured our hearts. I thanked you once, but I will thank you again for including me in his care. You are right we need to see where we stand with him and see how we can get him back into our lives. We have an army behind us but that doesn't mean we can't move forward with us it just going to take a little time and luck. But I don't want to wait forever CJ."
"Forever? No Houston, neither do I but how about we hold this off for two months?"
This was going to kill me.
"What exactly does hold off mean to you?"
I held my breath if it meant that I couldn't hold her like I was now I didn't know how I'd react.
She pulled away and coldness gripped my heart. No. She wanted to stop what we started.
She looked at me, "We don't go any further than what we've already established as of today. I want to focus on us getting Jake back. We will still see each other and help one another but…."
I blurted out, "But what, God CJ if you tell me I can't hold your hand or hug you…"
"No that's okay we can explore that I'm talking other stuff serious stuff, oh god I'm mucking this up, I just want to be sure this is what you want. If you feel the need to see others between these two months…"
I shook my head quickly, "No that's not going to happen, CJ I haven't seen anyone since you were taken except Natalie and well, I really didn't want to do that but…"
She rolled her eyes, "I forgot I forced you."
I sighed, "You didn't force me, but I thought that's what you wanted I hated going out with her damn are all the women I dated that shallow?"
She looked down but her shoulders were shaking, and a snort came out of her. She was laughing.
"Ms. Parsons are you laughing at me?"
She laughed harder. "I could give you a list of the type of woman you've dated, and shallow is one of the top 5 things."
"Good thing I got my head out of my ass than."
She mumbled, "Isn't that the truth."
I lunged at her and started to tickle her and she put up a fight, but I was declared the tickle champ some years ago by her. I pinned her down and hovered above her wanting to kiss her but waiting for her to say it was alright.
She stopped squirming and looked at me. She moved her head up and I didn't move this would be her decision and I would wait. She finally kissed me, and I kissed her back with all the emotion I felt for her and hoped it relayed it in this kiss.
I pulled back, "So kissing is still, okay?"
She pulled me back down, "Damn right it is."