the other point of view see what you think.
Chapter 51
Never again.
I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to have my pride and my dignity trampled on by Mr. Mattlock Houston any longer. I was done being his doormat. What more did he want me to do to show him that I wanted him to see me in a different light?
I was going to finally break the cycle I was going to go out on my own and learn not to depend on my best friend so much and to learn to live on my own two feet.
He had devastated me with what he had said. All that I had hoped for with him all the special moments we had shared had been erased by his comments. I should have listened to my head not my heart. But I didn't I instead listened to my sisters saying sometimes you need to stop living in fear of having your heart broken and if you fell you just brushed yourself off and start over again.
But this was Hell.
I had encouraged, heck even initiated some of the kissing and conversations between us that lead us here. I tried to push him away I didn't want to be a distraction to him, I wanted more and dammit I deserved more and I thought we were on the same page. But all the past distractions started to flood my mind. I had been his best friend there to pull him up from his boot straps when things got tough I was the person he relied on I was the girl wanting more but never measuring up to those he'd rather be with. I had given him so much leeway and given him the benefit of the doubt that I was letting too much slide between us that he had started to take me for granted, thinking I would always be there for him and I like an idiot accepted it. I saw him fall in and out of love with a parade of distractions.
Elizabeth was my final straw. I had accepted that I was not the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. When Uncle Roy asked if I was jealous I denied it but deep down he knew, his father had pulled me aside after he had flown in for the rehearsal dinner and asked how I felt about this I told him I was happy for my best friend and only wanted what was best for him. I tried to smile but it didn't go over too well. He hugged me and said I would always be his daughter and to not be a stranger or disappear on him. I told him I was thinking about moving back to Texas wanting to start a Free Legal Clinic in the rural areas for those that needed the help. He nodded and asked if I had told his son I said no that it was my decision and he would have a new bride that did not want him to be a private eye any longer and I really didn't want to go back to the corporate world in other words I wanted to get out of Dodge I couldn't bear to see Matt and Elizabeth live happily ever after and dreading to hear the news that he would be a father would be too much.
But I didn't have to worry about any of this. A crazy man had crashed the wedding and it had been too much for Elizabeth. She could not deal with this side of his life and decided she would not marry him leaving my best friend devastated. Being the good friend I was after promising my sisters I would not help him through this heartbreak I gave in and helped him cope which was a mistake and almost cost us our friendship.
She had left him two times.
The first time wasn't so bad but I had been angry at him using my house as his love shack had crossed the line. I remember how I had turned to my sisters to comfort me and how I had to get rid of everything in that bedroom not wanting to imagine what had taken place there.
The second time he drank heavily and got cocky with me. I had gone above and beyond my duties as a best friend and had my fill of his attitude and had left him to wallow on his own. I kept in contact with Chris and Uncle Roy. I had gone to visit Houston's Dad wanting to ride horses and to just be spoiled by Inez his housekeeper/cook. She was always there for me growing up teach me what I needed to know since I had given up on asking my aunt for things regarding growing up. He had shown up and asked if I was ever coming back and apologize for putting me through the hell he had. We stayed a few more days reconnecting and getting him to smile and show him that it wasn't the end of the world and he would find someone else to fall in love with. We went back to our roles of friends and everything was right as rain.
A couple of months later I was abducted.
Everyone had a different account on what had happen while I was gone but the same theme was how Houston had never stopped looking for me and almost giving up. He was with me through my toughest days when I didn't want to get up or try to do therapy but he pushed and held my hand when my demons would pop up in my dreams. He had stayed with me every night knowing I would need him still trying to grasp what had happened and waking up screaming for him to help me. I believed that he had started to care for me as more than his best friend that he wanted me as much as I had wanted him.
He was there to hold me as I cried telling me I was safe and he would never let anyone ever harm me again. I believed him I put my trust and my heart in his hands. Now I wish I had been stronger that I had not depended on him as much as I had. I was paying the price and I didn't know what to do. Sitting here on the blanket I wondered why it had come to this. I was going to tell him that I wanted more and I only hoped he would have agreed with me. But no typical Houston he told me what he was thinking I understood it had been a trying weekend but I had my fair share of disappointments this weekend but I knew what I wanted and I thought he did too.
I took a shaky breath, the tears would follow now and I would let them fall I didn't care anymore who saw me, I was hurt and I would let me be fragile and weak here alone I would deal with it would make my plans which now was Jake and Star. My priority was to ensure they would never be harmed or alone. I needed to be sharp and bring my A game for my meeting with Ms. Bloom. I had to apologize for going of the handle and acting like an irrational crazy lady, I hope she would see that I was just upset that they were denying me taking care of Jake. He had no one just us…
Just me.
He didn't count any longer. I would tell Ms. Bloom that I wanted sole custody of Jake. I would have to convince Houston that it was for the best. I didn't want to have to interact with him anymore than I had to and being around him would just confuse me and Jake. It would not be fair to him if Houston started to date again and would not have time to spend with Him. It was for the best that he go back to his old ways. I'd still be his friend but I would not be there to pick up his pieces or messes. I had new priorities that did not include Matt Houston.
He would have to deal with our family I would tell them that we decided to remain friends and tell them to give him space that we both decided it was for the best.
The voice inside of my head growled there you go giving him an out as usual always protecting him when he just ripped your heart out.
More tears fell I didn't want any more conflict and I knew they would not let it go and I was just too tired to fight any longer. I took my shot and it failed.
I hugged my legs too me and I let my tears fall not wanting to make any noise I wanted to be alone and if someone were to walk on by they would hear me crying. I sat there for a bit when a shadow covered me. I didn't have to look up I knew it was him, he could never follow simple instructions.
I counted to 10 and he still didn't say anything I asked him why couldn't he leave me alone? I had given him the out that he wanted and still he was still here did he want to turn the knife in my heart a little more? I gave him some sass and I didn't care if I unleashed what I was really feeling he would be on his back after I got up and kicked his ass for hurting me once again.
I heard the urgency in his voice he was trying to make this right but how could you make it right every time he opened his mouth it was like another nail in my heart. I wanted him to shut up and leave.
Then he said if I didn't want to listen to him to listen to a song.
What? Had he lost his mind? He thrusted the CD player at me and pressed play.
It was the 38 special song I had heard it earlier at my house it was playing loudly from his car that Star was in. I knew he loved country music and was tolerating this for Star's benefit. I loved all types of music so I was familiar with this song and I decided to listen and then maybe use the CD player to knock him over the head with afterwards.
The singer got to a line saying don't let good love slip away. I snorted saying too late.
He let the CD player almost fall from his grip he must have heard me. I grabbed it and placed it on the blanket. He was still standing the next line that caught my attention was about playing around he had done this a lot I looked up at him and he had those brown eyes that you could just get lost in. I turned away not wanting him to see I was losing my battle of being mad at him. I kept listening.
I didn't want to smile but he had reached me.
This song was kind of a representation of us right now. I stopped crying just concentrating and l finally looked up at him he was looking like he was going to run, I had not given him any indication that I wanted to talk to him and if I knew my best friend he was thinking of swimming to Catalina hoping that would be punishment enough for what he had caused.
The song ended I pressed the stop button. I wasn't ready to speak but I'd put him out of his misery and asked him if he thought that song represented us but added I hadn't been a little girl for quite some time.
He recovered nicely complimenting me and I was letting him get back on my good side. Why couldn't I stay angry at him? He knew me so well. The voice in my head chimed in if he did than we wouldn't be in this situation, all he had to do was say what he had just said it would have been a good start.
I didn't want to strain my neck by looking up at him and asked if he wanted to sit.
He plopped down quickly and tried to take my hand.
Nope not going to happen Cowboy I was going to have my turn to give him a piece of my mind. I would let the chips fall where they may. I really wanted us to move forward but this episode shattered my belief that we should cross the line and see where it would take us.
I wish things where easier like when we had first met, being kids was so much easier than being adults. I told him not to interrupt me because I was only going to say this once. I looked at him and saw the vulnerability in his eyes but looked away he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew that feeling but it made me think, what did I really want?
Him.
I wanted him to see me as more than his longtime friend, so I thread lightly and recounted how we met and how abandoned I felt and how he had saved me made me feel I was not alone. That was where my loyalty to him had come from, when I had no one he took me under his wing coming back day after day but I always had thought one day he would realize that I wanted more and that my love for him would be enough but I was wrong.
He started to stammer and I rolled my eyes and said not to interrupt and to throw him off I took his hand. He grabbed it like a life line he took it in both of his and held it tight.
I cut to the chase, I told him he wasn't ready to start a relationship with me. I started to name off things that had happened these last crazy months and told him what my plans were if he had gotten married. The look on his face when I revealed that was shocking, I continued and told him I felt weird being around him and Elizabeth who as much as she tried never warmed to me or understood our friendship. He defended her as usual but I countered saying no one ever understood our relationship we had lost plenty of partners the only one that tolerated it with little resistance was Carl.
Carl had said he kind of understood why I was loyal to him but hinted that deep down if he ever asked me to marry him Houston would not let me go through with it, he guaranteed me that he would profess his love for me before the first invite would ever be sent out.
We never got to test that theory I knew he was going to ask me to marry him and I'd eventually would have said yes. He was a good catch and he had let me be me.
I then told him I knew things had changed after my abduction, he was always there for me and I had let him into my heart and not cared what the outcome would be. I wish I'd get more memories back but from what Dr. Ryan stated my body was protecting me from some type of trauma and I was afraid what it was and didn't push, those memories would come eventually.
I finished by telling him that I needed to just realize that he may never have the same strong feelings I have for him and I accept that. Did I just say that out loud my heart broke and I let his hands go covering my face to try and stop the tears from falling.
He asked if he could speak, looked at him and he came close and wiped the tears that were rolling down my cheeks I couldn't speak so I just nodded not wanting to break down any more than I already had.
He closed his eyes and looked at me. Something was different, he started by saying he didn't ever want to see me cry and he had said I had saved him which made me cry more.
How had I saved him?
He went into detail about the times I had snuck into his room when the nightmares came back from his abduction I would hold his hand till he went to sleep, I had been punished for leaving the house but I didn't care he needed me. He told about the time he had made it home without Will those where dark times. He tried to push me out flaunting women, drinking to the point of having to pick him up after the bartender called to let me know he had passed out under a table. He was not acting like his old self and yelling at me that person no longer existed that he was left behind with Will.
He'd disappear for days on us, me and his daddy and we'd find him in the most awful places I shuddered when he became verbally nasty with me saying things that I could remember like it was yesterday. He never knew how much those words had hurt and how I almost walked away not wanting to be the receiver of all his hurtful and ugly words any more. His father ran out of excuses and said if I wanted to go back to school he would understand. I asked for a month of extension to get him back on the right path and he did finally walking out of that dark hole a little wiser and cautious but apologizing to both me and his father for the hurt he had caused us.
I smiled when he said I was the woman he subconsciously compared his distractions to. I should have rolled my eyes I didn't look like half of these women and my assets were as grand as some of them but I got what he was saying knowing I had done the same with the men I had dated. Then he shocked the heck out of me by remembering the three times I told him I love you well technically 2 the third in his mind was my failed attempt to get him to give me an inkling that maybe he was making a mistake but he brushed it off and my heart broke.
Him saying that he was in love with the feeling of being wanted and needed. That he now knew what love was at it was what he felt for me and the bonus was that I was his best friend that knew all his secrets and fears and still loved him. He then said something I knew was hard for him to do giving me an out if I wanted, saying if I wanted to walk away and not try he'd still be my friend and always there for. That old saying if you love something let it free if it comes back it was meant to be.
My heart soared he did have feelings for me.
But my brain kicked in and said watch your step this could end badly. So I proceeded with caution I needed time.
I brought up the third time I thought I had told him I love you and was so wrong, all I remembered was drinking Vodka with Julia and going to the dance with Kenny, Houston and his date and Julia and Mark. Next thing I'm thinking Houston is carrying me away and my fantasies must have kicked in and me saying I love you to him was what I said unfortunately it was to the wrong man. Poor Kenny thinking I meant him instead of Houston, and yes he had remained a bachelor and would call me every time he was in town.
Houston made a joke I shoved him and tried to be mad at him but he had said everything I wanted to hear but still shot back that maybe I should give one of Texas most eligible bachelors a chance. He became serious and I pulled back he said he wasn't done but after if I didn't agree maybe I should marry Kenny. I try to make lite of the situation and told him not to screw this up and he went on to tell me what was in his heart and I listen to him sing my praises, I hated to be singled out but he continued and once he was done I let him know that I was scared and my brain won out and told him what my priorities.
Star and Jake and whatever hoops Ms. Bloom wanted me to jump through I would. That maybe we should slow down and wait till everything was settled before we embarked on this new road together.
I waited and he agreed that we should see what happens and he was not backing down to get our little man back. But he didn't want to wait forever, I said two months and he want to know what hold off meant and I told him we don't go any further than what we had already explored and me wanting to focus on getting Jake back and I even said if this was too much maybe he wanted to date again I'd understand but in reality I should have kept my mouth shut knowing what those lips did to me was enough to make the green eyed monster in me do some damage.
He said didn't I see he had not dated these last months and only reason he went out with Natalie was I had forced him and I really rolled my eyes and thought yeah right he then asked if the woman he had dated where all so shallow which got me laughing he was finally seeing that his distractions where just that distractions and went on to say I could give him a list of the type of woman he dated and shallow was on the top five. He said he was happy he had gotten his head out of his butt and I agreed that got him a bit angry and went in for the tickle kill, that was my downfall being tickled and I couldn't fight him and he came close and he asked if kissing was okay and I pulled him down and gave him a kiss that would be seared into his brain if he ever wanted to look at another of his distractions.
It was wonderful, having Houston respond to me kissing him and holding me tight it felt right. I wanted more but had to be cautious my brain screamed at me. We finally came up for air. He was holding me with that goofy smile of his.
"So kissing is still okay right I did hear you correctly because right now my brain is trying to process that kiss and I might take me a while."
I turned away giggling and he groan, "don't giggle CJ that is starting to be my favorite thing to hear from you and well it gives me other ideals and I can't have those type of thoughts going around my head it wouldn't be proper if we are following this holding off for 1 month thing."
I looked at him, "Nice try Cowboy my mind isn't totally gone we said two months."
He pouted, "Nope you said 1 month I can tickle you till you admit it."
I pulled away but he held me tight he was still on top of me.
"Can you let me up please?"
"It's going to cost you."
I squinted and cocked my head, "cost me what's the price?"
He smiled, "A month."
I shook my head, "Come on Houston, we need to be rational and we need to get our head in the game. Jake is my priority as is Star, you do want him back with us? What about Star she is important to both of us and we need to protect her. There are men out there that want to harm our girl."
He let me go and pulled me up to sit and put his arm around me.
"You don't even have to ask this CJ they are both important to me it's just now that we are on the same page and it's within our grasp I just don't want to wait any longer. We've waited long enough I think more you than me since they always say women are more attuned then dumb men."
I leaned into him. "So right, this is all new to me too you know, I'm just being careful I know it sounds dumb but I finally got what I want and now it looks like Im putting up more barriers when I should just embrace it and just stop thinking so much."
I turned to him, "Remember this I will always love you Houston, as much as I did the first time I realized that you were the one that I wanted to this minute right now. I never thought you would say those words to me after seeing you love hard and fall hard time and time again. You just brush yourself off and see if the next girl would be the one that would steal you from me. So I apologize for feeling like this and I am rambling and you should stop me."
He took my hands, "I know it took me too long of a time to realize that you where the woman I wanted. I can be dense like I said I don't think I am good enough for you. You are my better half you are my constant my northern star as long as you smile at me like you do I know I will always have a home. You are my sanity you are my heart. Never forget that CJ. Oh and when we do start to officially 'date' you will need to call me Matt not Houston. Only my special girl gets to call me by my first name and that honor is all yours. I can call you by your first name if you want…."
After all the wonderful things he just profess to me he hand to end it with calling me by my first name I pulled away and he groaned and tried to pull me back.
"If you want to live Mr. Houston you will continue to call me CJ I still don't understand why my parents decided to name me that and to boot give me Josephine as my middle name. Or that can be the deal breaker we can just part now if you ever breath a word of this to anyone heck I am going to legally change my name to CJ, I need to talk to Maureen as soon as we get back."
"Okay CJ, love of my life keeper of my heart."
I swear he was breaking down all my defenses could I take this chance with him?
"Penny for your thoughts."
He took my hand and kissed it then placed it over his heart.
I looked at him and whispered, "This is really happening, I'm not dreaming right because if I am let me sleep, never wake me up."
He kissed me. "Sorry Sleeping Beauty this is reality and I am going to show you these next two months what you really mean to me."
I hugged him, "I'm counting on it."
Author Note:
Okay need some suggestions on first names for Ms. Parson? Any suggestions?