Chapter 63

I closed the door and sat on my bed trying to recover from what I just heard. CJ knew about my breakdown during her abduction.

I had lost hope that day.

I had no leads. No one knew what had happened to her, she had disappeared without a trace. That wasn't true.

I had a front row seat to what those monsters did to her. The assholes made sure of it. Hearing her cry and asking them to stop burn a hole in my heart each time. Injecting her with drugs to keep her barely conscious, n bever wanting her to be so out of it she couldn't feel the pain they were inflicting on her. The menacing way they would whisper in her ear what they were going to do to her and then turn off the feed only to leave the audio on so I could hear her screaming for me to find her and then silence.

That was the worst. Every time I would hear silence. I'd wait in agony wondering if they would come back to me and show me her lifeless body and tell me that their revenge was complete. Every day she was missing I died a little by the fifth day I had exhausted all my leads, I had burned every bridge I had with friends and informants. They had won I was a broken man I begged them to let me take her place giving my life for hers. They never responded but had left the audio on, I heard when she broke after being tortured for days, she pleaded for them to stop hurting her.

I died that day.

I bared anyone else from watching the feed with me. I couldn't let this poison spill to anyone else. This was my doing and no one else would suffer being a witness to this evil. I deserved this pain not them.

I didn't care anymore I was going to drink to forget I didn't want to feel I didn't want to see I wanted pain. I started to pull away from all my family I yelled at Vince told Will to get lost that why wasn't he here when she needed him. Too Mean and Hoyt left after I said what kind of friends were they to her that he couldn't help me find her that when her body was recovered, I would tell her they had failed. I made momma cry that day after she tried to make me eat and I told her in no nice terms to stick it that food didn't cure everything and yelled at her to stop meddling with my life Vince had to be pulled away and took Momma to CJ's home. The last straw was me almost telling my father I knew I was adopted; the liquor had broken down my barriers and he told me that CJ would be so disappointed in me.

I remember telling him not as disappointed I was in him and why he never talked about my momma? I confessed to him that I had loved women and never knew how to have a connection or any type of commitment because there weren't any good role models in my life. That the only woman I had been lucky to have in my life the only woman I loved was being taken from me because my father couldn't keep me safe as a child, I had been kidnapped and my whole reason for being a Private Investigator was because of that event. Wanting to help others got me to this point in my life. I remember telling him that if CJ died, I was next knowing I could not live without her in my life.

He had called Carol after that, since my diet of Jack and Jim straight was my way of dealing with reality. I had finished two bottles. I was thinking about taking the chopper up and landing in the middle of the ocean if I found out CJ was no longer living. Nixing the ideal of taking a swan dive from the here not wanting my family to deal with my death.

Carol had come to make a house call I had been arguing with Daddy and Uncle Roy when she walked in, and I could see that she was shocked to see me. She tried to smile but I could see she wanted to cry. I had a glass of Jack and said I didn't need a doctor and she got in my face and said let her make that determination. She tried to take me to CJ's office, but I started to shake my head quickly saying that was her office and no one should be using it. I just didn't want to go in and everything in their reminded me of my loss. Her scent her work she had left for the following day, pictures of us laughing, it was too much. I missed her and I'd lose it if she dragged me in there. Carol took my arm and pulled me out to the terrace. I sat down she started to take my vitals and asked when the last time was, I ate something, I honestly couldn't tell her, she took my crutch away the glass slipping from my hand she handed it to Daddy.

I had lost my fight I covered my face with my hands, not wanting to face the reality that I might not find CJ.

No, I would find her. I had to I could see everyone was expecting this of me and I couldn't fail. But I needed Carol to help me, once she was safe she would have to help me convince her to stop working for me, she deserve a simple and happy life, that was not something I could give her, people would always try to hurt her because of me. I told her if CJ didn't come home I didn't want to live any longer. Carol gathered me in her arms and I held on, she was a piece of CJ and I needed to restore hope that I would find her, she didn't say anything just held me and I cried like a man that had lost his soul mate.

That's when it hit me, the missing piece of my puzzle that was my life the reason I wouldn't survive if I didn't find her in time. Carol asked me if I loved her and I didn't hesitate I told her with all my heart, I finally knew what true love was. What I felt for CJ could not compare to anything else in the world and if I didn't find her there would be two graves because I knew I could not live without her.

I found her but she didn't remember her ordeal. Which I was thankful for. I didn't want her to endure anymore pain but when Dr. Ryan said it would eventually come back, I prayed it would be a long time from now. But wanting something and it actually coming to fruition were two different things. Her nightmare had returned and there was nothing I could do about it.

What had Carol told her? How I had fought with Will, Vince and Daddy about my failure to find her? Of how I started to drink to numb the pain in my heart and my head after seeing them hang her from her arms and start to whip her with a belt and then darkness but her still screaming for me?

I covered my face, those screams had started to fade. Every day with her had helped me to deal with that dark time in my life. But now that she knew what had happened to me would she pity me? Would she take this next step in our relationship as her way of paying me back? I did not want this I wanted her to love me because she wanted this not because she felt obligated. My hands still in my face when I felt someone in front of me.

I took a deep breathe I knew it was her.

"Hey I'll be ready in 5 minutes unless you want to talk. I'm all ears."

"What did she tell you about my breakdown?"

She sat next to me, "So no formalities huh?"

I shook my head and she told me what Carol told her and went into detail about what had happened that day.

"I am sorry you had to witness that. I know why you didn't tell me, not that I'm happy you kept this from me but I understand. We are so much alike I would have done the same to shelter our family from having to see this torture. But you need to let me see it. I need to remember, I know what you are going to say so don't, I need to start to heal, I need to face this, I need you to be there to bring me out of this darkness. Houston I don't want to do this alone. I'm afraid."

I pulled her towards me and she sits on my lap I pull her onto the bed and hold her tightly she holds onto me.

"I will be there for you. Always. Never be afraid I am with you through all of this I will be your rock your punching bag your sounding board your anchor. Anything you want from me I will be it for you. I love you CJ and I still don't know why you love me still, after…"

She puts a finger to my lips, "I loved you since we were kids, and you were my hero, my friend, defender, ant agonizer and first love. There were times I thought I'd lost you but we are still here. Please tell me you will be there when I conquer these demons. I need to get over this, I have so much to look forward to and I refuse to let this stop me from getting what I've always wanted. That includes having Jake and Star in our lives. As long as I know you will be there by my side I know everything will turn out okay. I need you to hold me up when I start to falter. Will you do that for me?"

I looked at her. She was amazing. After everything she still found ways to take my breath away. I would not fail her.

She started to get up, "Come on we got to get to the office I want to see that tape and I'm sure Devin and Lucas are ready to go. I'm happy they are here to help"

I nodded and said I wanted to shower and waggled my eyebrows and said if she wanted to join me.

"Oh no sir, our first time will not be in a shower and you have some courting to do before we even get to that part of the relationship. I'm going to the spare room to change, I'll see you downstairs in 10."

I walked to the door as she stepped out, "Ah CJ how much time? Courting ah aren't we pass the courting part?"

She turned and shook her head and closed the door behind her.

"Are you serious? You just want to put the wagon before the horse? Not likely Cowboy. We have a 5 date or more rule so yeah not going to happen that quick slick."

5 what? I would ask later I needed to get ready and be there for my lady. I showered and dressed and was downstairs before her. Popeye looked at me and said that Uncle Roy had called Hoyt and had been given the names of the kidnappers that were in custody and his connections were already working on their ties to others and we should have something soon.

"Michael said he would met us at the office he's bringing everything he has regarding CJ's case so what's the plan."

Luca stood up as did Popeye. "You two are coming along right? Uncle Roy do you want to stay back and keep Momma G and Star Company?"

He hesitated, "Don't worry sir we will behave, we are all on the same team we will find out who's stalking your niece and I need you to guarantee Momma and Star's safety. They are our family and Tiny is staying behind also so if there is any trouble call me ASAP, I can have people down here in 5 minutes."

Luca gave him a card and Uncle Roy looked at it. "There's more to you than you are letting on right son? We'll talk when you get back. What about my other nieces Carol and Maureen?"

Will got his dad's attention, "Maureen is going back home to get some clothes and Carol is coming with us she's getting some stuff together and I'm driving them over to the office Luca will take Carol to the Clinic to get things situated. We should be okay, Luca already gave me his card and he will have people keeping an eye on each of the ladies homes to make sure they are safe. Too Mean is coming over with Luca's man to see about security systems also."

CJ came down and she looked better. "Are we ready to go? Who's coming along?"

I told her what was going on and she nodded and smiled. "Come on Beautiful your chariot awaits let's get to this office that Star was bragging about. Is it true he has a hot tub in the middle of the office? I have to see this."

She smiles at him, "Did she tell you about his car collection? The helicopter outside on the terrace? The pool table and don't forget the bar."

Popeye looks at me and smirks, "A helicopter?"

I put my arm around CJ, "She knows how to fly to. Taught her myself. She's a mighty fast learner. Do you fly?"

They both nodded and smiled.

We started to make our way outside making our way to my car.

"Star said you gave her a ride in your Roadster, I have to say it's a nice ride."

"Yeah, Houston you're going to let me borrow it when I take Carol out?"

I told him sure as he walked to his car.

Popeye walked over to a Harley, and I shook my head. "You giving me a hard time about toys? This is a very nice hog."

Luca chuckled, "You should see the other bikes he has and the one he's restoring this is his hobby but doesn't compare to his collection of surfboards and his other addictions."

Popeye shrugged, "I like nice things especially if they are fast, and I worked hard for all of this. I have nothing to be ashamed about. So Beautiful want a ride?"

I pulled her back, "That will be a no. She is not getting on that thing, sorry guy you need to move along. My girl's safety comes first."

He shook his head asked for directions and said he'd met us there and took off. Luca was parked next to us and he said he'd follow us, we got into the car and started towards the office.

"What do you think Devin will say if I told him about your hog, hmmm?"

I took her hand in mine, "you are not going to tell him, oh and the only person you are going to be riding behind and hanging on for dear life is me. Right?"

She kissed my cheek and whispered right.