Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

It was a cliche in nearly every fanfiction you could imagine that the jounin ninja had their own bar. And those writers would probably be titillated to learn that they were right-They did have their own bar.

It was even secret. In an open sort of way. Nestled between two regular bars in the red light district, the roof of which I was crouched on. Every ninja knew it was here, but everyone had their own theory on how to get in. From wrestling a bear to withstanding Gai's Lecture On Youth, Parts 1 through 10, in one sitting.

Now on audiotape. I really wish I was making that up.

Hey, jounin don't just take missions to make ends meet, ya know.

But no, all you really had to do was get in without looking like a total and complete idiot.

"Heyah, Spider."

Which I nearly managed. I froze and looked over my shoulder.

"Hello Mitarashi-sempai," I said. That most infamous of Konoha kunoichi chuckled evilly as she looked me over.

Yes, the first thing to pop into my mind was that she was "magically babelicious". The second thing to pop into my mind was that she was insanely scary.

This did not take away from the babelicious part, mind you.

"Rough first day for the new teacher?" She posed, eying me like a cat does a meal. I stayed in a crouched position, where I felt most comfortable.

"Not really..."

"Heard you got Team 7," she hissed.

"Oh, you know... Egotistical genius rookie of the year, enthusiastic but dumb deadlast, and useless kunoichi fangirl." I shrugged. "Nothing some horrible suffering won't fix."

"See, this is why I like you, Andoryu," she grinned. "You have such a wonderful sense of priorities."

"I like to think so," I managed.

"Awww... Aren't you cute, you're so detached," Anko cooed. She leaned over and grinned.

Oh Christ, hanging boobs! Think about baseball, think about baseball!

"Just... Kind of like that," I said. She slunk over, swinging her hips and making herself very... Very...

No! Latch onto fear of females! It's a very spiderish thing to have! And it's good in this situation!

"So, are you going to go in, or what?" She asked, face leaning uncomfortably close to mine. I managed not to blink.

"I was waiting for you," I said. She grinned.

Stupid stupid stupid!

"How flattering," she said. "Not up to this all by yourself? Want me to hold your... Hand?"

This is definitely something my Other was superior to me in: Not going totally crazy in fear or lust over Anko.

"Sure."

Okay, maybe my Other was just suicidal.

Oh I'm screwed, totally screwed...

Then she did something very... Well... There's no other way to say it.

She giggled.

"All right," she said, and took my hand. "C'mon, they've got a special on that Iwa Sake. You can buy me a few."

"Sure," I replied, standing up. We jumped down to the entrance, hands still holding. She looked like she was rather enjoying the entire experience.

Truth be told, part of me was too. But seriously... I knew, I knew there was something horrible in store for me. Both sides, me and my Other, knew that nothing good happened to us without incredible terror or trauma happening after. Or before.

In this case, possibly during...

The jounin bar was nice. Simply decorated, but clean, with several tables in front of the bar itself. Most were occupied; from Hayate in the corner with Yuugao, giving every vibe of a simple night out, to Asuma and Kurenai at different tables. Clearly, their relationship was "off" at the moment.

Aside from an old jukebox in the corner, playing something that sounded a little like Bach set to guitar, the biggest "decoration" was a wall full of photos, stretching from the entrance to the bathrooms. Anko noticed my look and quirked an eyebrow.

"Ah... First things first. WHO'S GOT THE CAMERA?!"

To my considerable shock, it was Morino Ibiki who, turning on his barstool, produced a camera. Anko grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon Newbie, smile," she said. I offered a small smile to the camera, and with a flash, the picture was taken. Anko grabbed it and pinned it onto the wall with a senbon. Ibiki calmly went back to his drink-Something red.

"There, you're officially in," she said sweetly.

"I like the ceremony, very brisk," I commented.

"Leaves more time for drinking," Anko returned. "Speaking of, come on!" She dragged me right to the bar, setting me down. She plopped down cheerfully next to me. "Barkeep, the good stuff!" Anko's grin made me both fear for my wallet and a little more for my life.

"So, congrats on the team." I turned to look over my shoulder as Asuma joined us. I noticed Anko's slight rise in tension, and mentally I smirked. Even a ninja cannot tell when he is unwelcome, at times. It was a nice boost to the ego as well, but I decided not to dwell on that.

"Same to you... Ino Yamanaka, Chouji Akimichi, and Shikamaru Nara," I recited. I shook my head. "They stuck em all together and handed them to you?"

"Natural capture team," Asuma explained. "And they've got potential." He smirked.

"Heard about yours. Rookie of the Year, and the Deadlast..."

"Yep, pretty much," I spoke. I nodded kindly to the bartender as he brought our drinks. I set down some money, and glanced over as Anko began to drank. What can I say, anything this woman does is sexy and frightening.

"Mmm..." She noticed my look, and smirked at me. I smiled back. I then abruptly noticed

Asuma was still talking. Even as a single person I recognize when two other people are on a date and wish to be left alone!

"Managing a good team is like a good relationship... Or so I've heard..." He continued.

I nodded a little, and sipped my sake. Immediately liking the taste, I sipped more, Asuma continuing to drone on.

"But, you're a good ninja, from what I've heard..."

"Mmhm..."

"... So really, Rookie, you've got to make the most of it it's not really fair, but well, there you are. Life is unfair."

I could understand Asuma was trying to help, or simply trying to keep away from Kurenai. Either way, I got annoyed. Really annoyed. And when I get annoyed, well... My inner geek comes out strongest.

"You know, um…I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair," I began. "Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

I sipped my sake calmly, as Asuma fell silent. He then chuckled and shook his head.

"I think you'll be fine," he said.

"Yes, thank you," I replied.

"Don't think you'll be better than that though," he returned glibly. I shrugged, took another sip. Damn this stuff was good... I felt... Happy.

"Maybe not..."

"Still, don't get cocky. You've got a long climb ahead of you," he continued.

"We all do..."

"Fascinating, really Asuma, but beat it. Mine for the night, you understand?" Anko interjected, wrapping her arm around my waist. Asuma blinked, looked between us...

And studiously kept himself from smiling.

"A very long climb," he added, before giving me a nod and moving off. I smiled and nodded back.

Anko's arm remained.

"Up for another round?" She asked. I blinked.

"That was quick." She'd finished her bottles off fast. She grinned broadly.

"I have a big mouth."

"A little unsubtle, that," I commented. Anko laughed and patted my cheek.

"All depends on what you're trying to get across. And there's just enough leeway for it to be taken differently."

"Intent matters just as much as source," I replied, after taking another drink of my sake.

Was it a new bottle? Was it the old bottle? Who cared?

"Ahhh... You're the philosophical kind of drunk," she observed.

"I am not drunk... Merely buzzed," I replied. "And I am philosophical because I have nothing more interesting to talk about."

"Aw, and if I found what you have to say interesting?"

"I'd say you are very, very bored."

She laughed warmly, and patted me on the back. I took another drink.

"It's all in your perspective," Anko commented. I looked over at her with a blink.

"And your perspective is?"

She grinned and bumped her nose against mine. "That you're cute. Especially with your low tolerance for alcohol."

Another drink. I looked back at her.

"I'll have you know, my eyes are my cutest feature," I replied.

"All four of them," she observed. She took another drink, emptying her bottle happily. I watched. I liked watching her. I resolved to do it more often.

I was vaguely aware of the looks shot our way-I may have been a lightweight, but my

Other was well trained. Looks of some interest, perhaps for gossip purposes. Trust me, ANBU has a whole section devoted to rumormongering. And anyone associating with Mitarashi Anko? Prime material, particularly involving the instructor of Team 7.

Infamy and rumor went hand in hand with the Ninja Way. It was something you learned to live with.

"YOSH!"

Oh, and lunatics. Did I mention the lunatics?

A strong arm came around my shoulders, and it wasn't Anko's. I smell the spandex right away, and part of my mind chided me for letting Maito Gai, of all people, sneak up on me. It was unbecoming of a spider, a predator, to let him sneak up upon me.

"Hello, Tsume-san! It is good to see another worthy ninja join the ranks of instructors! I wish you and your students a long and happy youth as you work together, becoming stronger and learning from each other!"

"Um... Thank you, Gai," I replied. He patted me on the back hard enough to nearly send me over the bar.

"You are most welcome, Tsume-sensei! Haha! Bartender! My usual!"

After grabbing a jug of sake, Gai immediately gave us space and sat at the far end of the bar. I stared after him for a few moments. Anko elbowed me.

"Oi, no staring at him," she stated.

"Sorry, I think I'm a little non-plussed," I replied, looking back into her warm eyes. Anko smirked.

"You?"

"A little... I'm only human," I admitted.

"You don't always act like it," she pointed out.

"I think it's a very human thing to not act human, because if we acted like humans all the time, being human would become mundane." I gulped down more sake, before I continued.

"To err is to human, but to not be human is also human. So really, it's all very, very human."

"I think you're drunk now," she said.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

I blinked. "What does that have to do with me being drunk?"

"Just answer me."

I decided to be honest.

"No I don't want to sleep with you. I want to have sex with you."

I abruptly wondered why the entire bar was so quiet. Anko stared at me for a little while.

She then smiled, and tightened her grip around my waist.

"Would you say that if you were sober?"

"One... I'm not drunk. Two, if I was sober, I might not say it... Doesn't make it any less the truth," I recited. Anko chuckled. I felt a hand on my ass.

"You're very lucky you're so cute," she murmured. She took another bottle of sake, downed it, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. She looked at me.

"Pay the bartender. We're going to your place."

I smiled cheerfully back, and tossed the bartender some coins. I wasn't sure how many, and before I could check, Anko was dragging me out the door.

I suppose honesty was the best policy... If you were honest about it.

Keep in mind, this does not mean Anko would fall madly in love with Andoryu, or marry him or anything. He may not even sleep with her. But, if you don't believe me, flame away.