Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

How I'd handle a Female Kyuubi nowadays...

Naruto was sparring with Sasuke at the Team 7 bridge, while Sakura watched, when he first heard it.

"Mmm... Mama like."

"Geh?!" Naruto grunted, looking around. This of course allowed Sasuke to punch him right in the face. "GAH!"

"You were wide open," Sasuke snorted, as the blonde fell to the ground. He sat up and rubbed his cheek with a wince.

"You're so tough. That will make things much more fun," the voice crooned again.

"Did you hear that?" Naruto asked. Sasuke frowned.

"Hear what?"

"Some voice. Sounded like a woman," Naruto replied. Sasuke stared at his rival for a time, which was a definitive 'no' in Uchihaspeak. Naruto shook his head and got back up.

"Nevermind."

The next time Naruto heard the voice, he was weeding a garden on a D-rank mission. Sakura and Sasuke were on either side of him, digging into the dirt.

"Remember to stretch extra hard to be flexible~!"

"Huh?!" Naruto gasped, starting and looking around. Sakura frowned.

"What's with you?" Sakura asked.

"Didn't you hear that?" Naruto asked. "It was some woman talking about stretching!"

Sakura stared blankly at Naruto.

"I... Didn't hear anything," Sakura said slowly, concern on her face. "Did you hit your head harder than usual, Naruto?"

"Ugh. What a flat little bitch," the voice continued. Naruto gaped.

"No she's not!" Naruto cried. "She's not flat!"

"Excuse me?!" Sakura demanded. Naruto shook his head.

"No, I didn't say it! She did!"

"Who did?!" Sakura demanded.

"I dunno, the invisible woman you don't seem to notice?!"

Much staring. Kakashi continued to read his Icha Icha nearby.

"We could just kill her. Nobody would have to know."

Naruto covered his ears and stuck his head into the dirt. "Shut up shut up shut up shut up...!"

Sakura looked over at Kakashi.

"Kakashi-sensei, Naruto is going crazy!"

"Mmhm, that's nice," Kakashi replied, turning the page of his book.

That night, Naruto prepared for bed and laid down, looking extremely twitchy. He closed his eyes, managing to fall asleep despite the events of the day...

In an instant he was inside a strange sewer, in front of a gigantic set of bars with a huge paper seal over the padlock. On the other side was a gigantic, nine tailed fox. Naruto blinked.

"Um... Hi?" He offered. The Kyuubi smiled. It was not a pleasant sight in the slightest. "Something I can help you with?"

"I'm terribly sorry I gave you such a hard time, darling~," the gigantic chakra construct crooned in the same female voice he'd heard all day. Coming out of a fox the size of a skyscraper made it all the more disturbing.

"What the hell was all that about?!" Naruto demanded. "Are you trying to drive me crazy?!"

"Sorry darling, I just see what you have to go through every day and I can't help but put my two cents in!" The Kyuubi apologized, looking almost bashful. "After all, we're so close! I'm with you always!"

Well, Naruto supposed that was true.

"I'm so deep inside you... I can't wait for you to be deep inside of me," the gigantic fox crooned.

Naruto blinked. He blinked again. He blinked a third time, just for good measure.

"What?" He managed. The Kyuubi... Looked bashful. Which was somehow even more horrifying.

"By ancient kitsune custom, now that I'm sealed into you, we are married! So as soon as you can figure out a way for me to get out, we can consumate the relationship, darling~!"

"WHAT," Naruto croaked. The Kyuubi nodded.

"Oh yes! I was married to your great grandmother, your grandmother, your mother-Group marriages are so much fun! Especially when the husband is so very open minded! Why, every night with your parents was bliss!" The gigantic fox shivered happily. "I can't wait to start training you in all the ways needed to please women! Your parents wanted me to! In fact, I can share memories from those special times with you-"

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL YOU PERVERTED CREEPY FOX!" Naruto bellowed. "WHO THE HELL WOULD OFFER TO SHARE THAT?! IT'S DISGUSTING AND CREEPY YOU ABOMINATION AGAINST NINJA JESUS!"

The Kyuubi stared in silent shock, before collapsing in a heap. She began to bawl, making the entire sewer shake and rattle.

"WAAAAAHHHHHH! MY OWN HUSBAND HATES ME! WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Naruto covered his face with his hands. Goddamnit, why was it always him?!

Hope you enjoyed.