Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Another trope is What if the Uchiha Clan Massacre Never Happened? So here's my own take on preventing that.

Before the Uchiha Clan massacre, a young Sasuke Uchiha had gotten into an argument with a teacher over a bad grade he'd gotten at the academy. It was so unfair! The teacher had sent him to detention, which was even more unfair!

The only other student in detention was... Naruto Uzumaki.

Naruto: "Eh? Hey, what are you doing here?" grimace "You're such a goody two shoes!"

Sasuke: "The teacher was wrong."

Naruto: "Man, teachers can be the worst, huh? Lemme guess: Yen-sensei?"

Sasuke: "How'd you know?"

Naruto: "She sent me to detention too! I didn't even do anything today! She's such a b-bad word Iruka-sensei won't let me use!"

They sat in silence for a bit.

Naruto: "Ooh, I'm gonna get her good... Hey!" He looked at the Uchiha boy "You want to help get revenge?"

Sasuke: "... Yeah."

Naruto: "Really?!" coughs "I mean, sure! But you just follow my lead! This'll be your first prank, since you're such a goody two shoes."

Sasuke: Nods. "I just want to get back at her, so lead the way."

It turned out the deadlast in their class actually had good planning and infiltration skills. And Sasuke helped by getting the highest grade of alcohol he could find back home. Putting that into Yen-sensei's secret flask, and...

Yen: Runs out, stripping her clothes off, laughing "THE HOKAGE CAN BREAK MY ASSSSS!"

Iruka: "YEN-SENSEIIII!"

Naruto and Sasuke watched their handiwork from the upper level of the academy, while their classmates laughed or screamed in horror

Huh... That was... Actually kind of fun

Sasuke: "That'll teach her."

Naruto: "Yeah." grins "That was cool!"

Naruto hesitates.

Naruto: "... Uh, say... I was totally not going to put cherry bombs in the bathrooms of the ANBU HQ tomorrow... But you know, if you were along..."

Sasuke: "... I have a better idea."

Naruto: "You do?"

One visit to the Konoha Police HQ later...

Naruto: "And ... ... ...!"

FOOOM.

Cops: "GAHHHH!"

The Uchiha are flooded out as water erupts from the toilets

Fugaku: "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Sasuke had given Naruto an even better idea: Establishing an alibi. So he and Naruto were at Ichiraku Ramen

Teuchi: "Oh! Hello Naruto? And who is this?"

Sasuke: Waves.

Naruto: "Ah... This is Uchiha Sasuke! He's my-"

Teuchi: "Friend?"

Naruto: "... Y-Yeah... He is."

Teuchi: Smiles more broadly "Glad to have you here, Sasuke."

Sasuke: "Me too."

They sat at the table, had some ramen... Ayame gave Sasuke extra tomatoes and smiled at him.

Fugaku: Stumbles in "All right you little brat, you're gonna-Sasuke?! What are you doing here with... Him?"

Sasuke: "We came here after playing together."

Naruto: "Yeah! We've been here for like, hours!"

Fugaku: Glares "Have you now?"

He looked at Teuchi, who just smiled and nodded

Teuchi: "Yup!"

Sasuke: Nods.

Fugaku: "... I see... Don't spoil your dinner, Sasuke. You want to grow up big and strong like Itachi, don't you?"

Sasuke: He nods. "Of course."

Fugaku: "Well... Good..." He headed off

Naruto: "Hee... Oh that was great!"

He grins at Sasuke. Sasuke himself was feeling a heady sense of power and accomplishment! He'd got one over ON HIS OWN FATHER!

No wonder Naruto did pranks! It was such a rush!

Now though... He knew what he had to do. What would really be his greatest test! His beloved big brother.

Sasuke: "There's one more person we have to get after."

Naruto: "Who?"

Sasuke: "My brother, Itachi."

Naruto: wince "Oh... That's gonna be tricky... Hmmm… We might need some help. Especially to keep him from beating the crap out of us after."

Sasuke knew the perfect accomplice

Sasuke: "I know someone."

That night... The Uchiha Clan was getting prepared for their coup. Unknown to them, Itachi and others were preparing to slaughter them.

In Sasuke's home...

Sasuke: "... And that's the plan."

Mikoto: "Wonderful!" She claps "I'm so proud of you, Sasuke-chan! Making a friend and pranking your father! Oh this will be so much fun!"

Pinches Naruto's cheek and then hugs him.

Mikoto: "And he's sooo cute!"

Naruto: "URK! Ah, um, th-thank you!"

Mikoto: "Okay! Sasuke-chan, you go to your papa and brother! We'll be ready!"

Fugaku was out in the compound with his closest followers... Above, Itachi waited.

Itachi:"..."

Fugaku: "..."

And then...

Sasuke: "NIIIIII-SAAAAAAANNNNNN! TOU-SAAAAANNNNNNN!"

Fugaku: What?! Sasuke can't be here?!

They both saw the little boy running up, crying his eyes out.

Itachi: "... Sasuke...?"

Sasuke: "SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH KAA-SAN! PLEASE COME AND HELP! PLEASE!"

Sasuke immediately turned and ran off.

Fugaku, despite the situation, ran after his youngest son.

Itachi: "...?!" He wondered where their mother was, and quickly followed.

They found her in the kitchen, on the floor, moaning in pain and clutching her stomach.

Sasuke: "I brought help Kaa-san! Just hang on! You'll be okay!"

Mikoto: crying in agony "Ohhhh... Fugaku... Itachi... Please... Help! It hurts... Sooo much...!"

Fugaku: "Wha-What is it?!"

He knelt down and held her hand

Mikoto: "NNGH!... ARRGH...! AAAAAHHHHHH! THE BEEF... LAST NIGHT... WAS... BAAAAD!"

Her stomach expanded... And then exploded, showering everyone with what smelled like blood. As a horrifying cow-like creature emerged, roaring at them

Fugaku: "AAAAAHHHH!"

... And then a stampede of real cows began running through the streets of the compound

Sasuke... Was confused. About the stampede, mainly.

Fugaku: "What in the hell-GET THOSE COWS!"

He and his fellow conspirators leaped out to try and corral the livestock, as Itachi just stared in disbelief.

Itachi: "..." Blink

But the look of disbelief and horror on Itachi's face... That was worth it to Sasuke!

Sasuke: "Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Mikoto begins snickering and laughing, as does the 'horrible' cow creature... Who poofs into Naruto.

Mikoto: "Hahahahahaha!"

Naruto: "Ahahahahahahaha! The look on your faces! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sasuke: "That was amazing, Naruto! Hahahahaha!"

Itachi: "... Sasuke..."

Sasuke: Grins at Itachi. "Ha!" He jumps up and pokes him on the forehead. "I got you!"

Naruto: "YEAH! WE GOT YOU!"

Itachi: "... Yes. Yes you did."

Sasuke: "YEAH!"

Mikoto: "Hee... Sorry dear."

Sasuke offers a fist bump to Naruto.

Mikoto: "I got carried away."

Sasuke: "That was the best."

Naruto: Accepts it with gusto!

Tobi had been waiting for his moment... And then...

Tobi: "... Is that a stampede-?"

COWS!

Tobi: "GAHHHH!"

Apparently the sheer absurdity of the situation had prevented him from using the Kamui, resulting in him being trampled

Danzo had been moving into position with ROOT Nin, when...

COWSSS!

Danzo: "The devil?!"

And for some reason, Kakashi was passing by.

Kakashi: "What in the-?"

COWWWWWSSS!

Afterwards... The majority of the Uchiha Clan was deeply unhappy about the stampede being run through their quarter of the village. But thankfully, Sasuke had been wise in recruiting Mikoto.

Mikoto: "Now now, everyone! Calm down! It was just a misunderstanding! But clearly, the Clan Council isn't doing their job properly if we're getting invaded by cows! Including my own husband."

She GLARES at Fugaku.

Fugaku: "But-But-!"

Mikoto: "Or would you like to explain why you were out with the rest of the council when you should have been making sure we weren't being stampeded by cows?"

Fugaku: "... No dear."

Mikoto: nods "There you go then."

And thus, no massacre.