Kylo

I honestly, truly, and completely hated politics. I hated having to feign interest in these spoiled, selfish men and having to pretend like we were equals. Most of them had never been in a fist fight, had never even taken a punch. They'd never seen a battlefield or had to carry their brothers off of one.

We weren't fucking equals. We weren't a fucking brethren.

I glanced up at the clock, a migraine starting to pound behind my right eye. I needed rest. I needed food. I needed a godsdamned drink. I sighed, considering.

When I first got married, I was not too proud to admit that I had a problem with drinking. I was using it, and sex as a way to self medicate, and had been for years. But, those first five months of our marriage, before Rey was ready to be physically intimate, I'd been forced to find other ways of coping with my past. Sure, it would've been easier to continue my liaisons with King's wives, but I found, quite curiously, that I didn't want to. From the moment I uttered those vows to her, I only wanted her. And, what's even more curious, I wanted to deserve her.

A small smile tugged at my lips as I remembered the hideous monstrosity of tulle and gossamer that she'd been wearing. Then later, in my bedroom for the bedding ceremony, when I was actually able to see her. She was so much smaller than that dress made her look, and she was terrified, though she hid it admirably. I'd known walking into that room that I wasn't laying a hand on her, even if she asked, but I'd been delusional in thinking that I wouldn't develop real feelings for her. But, I'd changed.

Stopping my numerous affairs was obvious, and I'd unintentionally hurt a few of my partners, like Mayea. I sighed. Mayea. She'd had an arranged marriage with Gavriel, and from the start, it was obvious how wrong they were for each other. When I got involved, I hadn't meant for it to go on for as long as it did, or for her to get as attached as she did. She was someone I considered a friend for seven years, someone who saw me through the darkest point in my life, and when I abruptly ended it, I hurt her. That guilt still gnawed at me.

The other changes I'd made were more gradual, less drastic. I was not the same man who'd married her. Not by far. I found that I needed to drink less and less, until I didnt want to anymore because I wanted to be present and sober when I was with her.

I was in….

My instincts clamped down, refusing to even think the word.

But, I was. I knew I was, she knew I was, fuck, the galaxy knew I was. It was harder to hide than I ever thought it would be. Not that I wanted to. The first look she'd ever given me had cracked open my sternum, and breathed life into my battered and unused heart. Now, it only beat for her. She was in my blood, under my skin, and stitched over the broken bits of me. She'd made me whole in a way I'd never even thought I could be.

And, I did. I...loved her. That admission had a memory playing in my head, of being seventeen, and sitting in the house we lived in at the war camp. Vicrul had gone to bed, but Ap'lek and I were up, eating cold mashed potatoes out of the silver pot from that night's dinner.

"Ben," My mother had said. She called me Ben, saying that it was what she would've named me if she'd had the choice. No one knew, no one could know, so it was our secret.

I'd stopped my fork halfway to my mouth, and looked up at her, to find that her eyes were round, unfocused, and glassy. "What is it, mom?"

"One day, you are going to be married." She'd said.

Me being married was inevitable. I was going to be a king. I was expected to marry and produce heirs.

"I know that." I'd told her.

But, her rich brown eyes filled with tears. "You are going to love her."

My mother was strong in the Force. She'd trained a bit before being married and having me, and sometimes saw things before they happened.

My forehead crinkled. "Love her?" I'd asked. "I marry for love?"

She shook her head, her eyes still seeing what wasn't there.

I didn't marry for love.

"But, you will love her." And then she smiled, seeing what would be, her face lighting up in a way I hadn't seen in years. She blinked, and her face fell, and she looked at me with wide, pleading eyes. "He can't know." She breathed, and I immediately knew who she meant. "He can never know that you love her." Her hand came to clutch mine, her face void of color. "If he does," she shook her head. "He will do such unspeakable things to her, Ben."

I'd seen the unspeakable things he'd done to my mother, I couldn't imagine what he would do if he found out that I loved anyone else.

"Promise me." She begged. "Promise you'll never admit it or say it out loud, or it will get back to him. The shadows, they whisper."

At the time, I hadn't known about Shadow Guards, or that the power to speak to the shadows was something that existed. I thought she was lost in her Force vision.

"Promise me you'll never let him find out." She said.

My eyes searched hers, the desperation and pain that I found there slicing into me. I wished that life could have been better for her, that I could have been strong enough to give her better. I nodded. "I promise."

I blinked, coming back to the present, and covered my face with my hands to discreetly wipe my eyes.

"Supreme Leader?" Another King called, my formal title grating on my already fraying nerves. "Are you alright?"

No. I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained. "That's enough for today, gentlemen." I said, and moved to stand. "Rooms have been prepared for you if you wish to stay. We will continue this tomorrow morning." I dipped my chin. "Good evening." And, walked out.

'Ap'lek' I called, through the Force. I felt his attention shift to me. 'Have you heard from Vicrul?'

'No.' Ap'lek answered. 'Why? Has he been banned from Naboo?'

If he'd gone to Naboo and acted….well, like himself, I would've been notified.

'I don't know, I haven't heard from him.'

Confusion laced the Bond as Ap'lek counted the hours since they'd left the port. 'I'll have Kuruk track the ship.' He told me. 'Confirm they made planet fall.'

I blew out a slow breath as anxiety swarmed in my stomach. It had been hours, and they hadn't even confirmed they'd safely arrived on Naboo?

'I'm sure they've just forgotten to check in.' He assured me. 'You know Vic has the attention span of a womp rat.'

I nodded. They both were distracted, and had just forgotten to check in. I walked into my office, and picked my datapad off of my desk, tapping through the dozens of messages and alerts.

My office door was thrown open, smacking the wall behind it, and I turned to see Trugden, his face pale under his olive complexion.

My heart leapt into my throat, dread turning my stomach. I opened my mouth to speak, but Ap'lek's panic rattled the Bond, and I felt Ushar start to jump toward us.

"What is it?" I asked, feeling the blood drain from my face. Ap'lek was running, sprinting toward me, and Ushar, with his shadows, the Force gathering around them….

A shield. They were building a shield. Not around themselves, but around me. The same as they did when I lost control and my power needed to be contained.

That meant….my eyes widened.

No. No. No. No. No.

"What is it?" I demanded again, taking a step toward Trugden.

'Ushar, get him out, he can't shield.' Ap'lek yelled into the Bond.

A second later, Ushar appeared, put his hand on Trugden's arm, and then they were both gone.

Ap'lek ran in, panting, Ushar coming back to stand at his side.

"What is it?" I asked a third time, fear stealing any steel from my voice.

Ap'lek took a careful step forward, like someone would approach a caged animal. "Degobah has contacted us." He said, the faint blue glow of his shield meeting the purple of Ushar's. "They found our ship drifting in their space."

My body went cold as my heart stopped.

"Vicrul is currently in their medical unit. He's too wounded to be moved." Ap'lek swallowed thickly. "Ky, it doesn't look like he will survive."

The air whooshed out of me like I'd been punched, my chest and stomach aching with the blow of his words. Vicrul was wounded. Vicrul may not survive. But, I'd sent him with Rey because I knew he'd protect her as I would. I knew he'd protect her….

With his life.

Realization almost took my knees out from under me, and I grabbed onto the edge of my desk to remain standing. "Rey-" I choked out.

Ap'lek set his jaw, reinforcing the shield around me.

"Rey is gone."

My power roared, ripping loose of its binds as darkness exploded out of me.