Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

95. Amygdala

XCV. Amygdala

(Shepard)

Under the soft, intimate lights at my desk, I pieced together this latest model ship of the Destiny Ascension. Tinkering in productivity in my room aboard the Normandy, I enjoyed taking this time, feeling useful again. So much time had passed since Rannoch—from March, to April, and now to May. I'd been stuck in bed for most of that time. Doctor's orders from Dr. Chakwas. Confined to bed in the captain's quarters, surrounded by the blacklight of my favored ambiance. Surrounded by Liara and her everlasting care as always, as I needed. Even now, I looked past the transparent wall holding up my other model ships, each glinting softly in this light. I glanced at Liara sleeping soundly in bed across the way. Peaceful.

It had taken more time for me to get better again.

Liara worried it would take me even more time to recover after the next Reaper ship.

Then again, we only had two left:

On Thessia against Asmodeus, the sin of lust—before the final battle against Harbinger on Earth.

I imagined Harbinger would represent humanity's gravest sin. Earth's gravest sin. Up to interpretation.

Distracting me from my tinkering, I spotted a notification on my terminal. A reminder from Dr. Chakwas about my upcoming checkup in the med bay. Not that I needed the reminder. She still liked to send them to me. Then I browsed the extranet, checking the news. News about the quarians on Rannoch still dominated the front page of most sites, several weeks after the story first broke. People couldn't believe an entire civilization had existed on a known world without anyone finding out. I'd had a ton of reporters reaching out to me for comments, or asking me to ask Tali for her comments. I ignored them.

Without realizing it, I had glanced at Liara several more times in between browsing on my computer.

I felt my eyes ever drawn to her. Even as she slept on in bed on the other side of the room. I watched the shape of her safely tucked away beneath the comforter. So comforted in the memory of me locked within the fabric. The memory of us both, together. I had tired Liara out earlier—not just physically, but emotionally. I'd learned to give so much more of myself to her. We'd grown a lot closer and more intimate over the months. I couldn't look away from her for too long without forgetting how to breathe.

Even after everything. Everything instilling a natural apprehension in me—an apprehension to feel this attached to someone. I would've felt more in control, knowing that no one could ever compromise me.

Too late for that now.

I kept an eye on Liara for other reasons, too. We'd heard news in recent days about the Reapers reaching asari space. Not quite reaching Thessia yet, but instead their outer colonies. The enemy seemed to be taking their time out there—instead of heading directly for the asari homeworld, like they'd done in every other case. Admiral Hackett had no idea why the Reapers moved so slowly.

The drawn-out nature of their eventual-invasion had no doubt affected Liara.

She did her best to hide it. She did her best to focus on me, staying positive. But just like with Tali and Rannoch, Liara couldn't stand the thought of what would soon happen to her home. To our home.

I hated that I couldn't do anything about it. That I couldn't stop it. That I couldn't act until the Reapers invaded Thessia, as we had repeated and repeated throughout this war so far. I felt useless sitting around in bed; or even now, trying to distract myself with these model ships, as much as I enjoyed them.

Liara never blamed me, but I blamed myself.

Because I wanted to do anything for her.

I wanted to do more than the impossible for her.

Just like Alexander on Rannoch, I wanted to protect Liara from anything and everything. I needed to keep her safe in my embrace. Exactly as she had done for me for so long…whether I'd realized it or not.

Seeming to sense my thoughts, Liara stirred in bed over there. Such a warm, hearty joy swelled through me, simply from watching her stretch and sit up. From watching her make eye contact with me. The way Liara smiled at me through this transparency separating us, my other model ships placed and displayed around. I had folded her usual black N7 shirt, setting it on the nightstand nearest her side of the bed. Liara noticed, smiling more as she slipped the shirt on. Then she ambled across the room over to me.

"Shepard."

"Hey, you."

Liara sat down on my lap, wrapping me in her arms. My shoulders, my neck, my hair. The totality of her body and her warmth surrounding me. I closed my eyes against her chest, the soft fabric of her shirt. How it smelled like her—this nostalgic, breezy scent of her body wash. This comforting slope of her breasts pillowed my face, soothing me. The gentle repetitions of her breathing. The ambient hum from the Normandy drifting through the stars. The perfect paradise as she kissed the top of my head, the parted roots of my hair. We could've stayed like this forever and I would've enjoyed it. Every moment.

Keeping her lips over my head, Liara's voice reverberated through me: "Are you staying productive?"

"Trying to," I murmured over her chest. "How did you sleep?"

"Very well. It's easier to sleep when you're around. When I know you're keeping an eye on me."

This 24/7 thing we had going had naturally solidified over time.

Liara didn't need the usual dynamic. The bossy overlord, the strict rules, the invasive probing into her decisions. I could've taken everything up a notch to that place. That harshness. Acting as that domineering master over Liara's life twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. But we had found that this was enough. This calm, attentive care from me; my watchful gaze over her in protectiveness.

I didn't feel comfortable bossing Liara around as a typical Dom. I never wanted to risk hurting her feelings. She didn't feel comfortable subjecting herself to that type of authority. So we had settled here.

Besides, that tragedy with the Migrant Fleet made us hesitant to go there with authoritarianism…

We enjoyed this style of attachment instead. A deep attachment that transcended our old boundaries.

Flowing into physicality, our attachments grew stronger as Liara and I took a shower together. The time passed around us as the drops of lukewarm water pattering down to the shower floor. Enclosed in the chrome shadows of the unlit room, Liara lost herself in our essence together. How I held her, kissed her, adored her as the time, the water continued to fall away around us. I continually gave Liara my promise to be here for her; along with the same promise I had given her within her ring. Repeating, repeating.

Over the weeks, I still waited for the right time to propose to her.

It didn't seem right before, with me stuck in bed. Not feeling like myself.

Something told me to wait a while longer. Waiting for that perfect time to arrive.

I had every reason, every reminder to not stray from my path. Liara's reminders as we got out the shower: how she kept up this ritual with me. Straightening my hair for me, as a way for us to bond, to spend more time together. She understood this innate cultural attachment I had to my hair. How my hair was my crown. A source of pride. Liara took care of my crown for me, basking in the symbolism.

After leaving the bathroom, Liara and I went over to the couch. With all the free time we'd had during my recovery, we found more ways to bond with one another. Aside from Liara watching me play video games, we had decided to do something together. More shared activities. Less intensive than my model ships, we'd gotten into 3D puzzles. Our work-in-progress—a version of the Citadel—sat on the table.

Liara spread our blue blanket over our laps, saying, "You'll have to guide me through the inner-ring again. I think we were too distracted last time with the arms. Trying to spread them out evenly."

"We'll get it this time," I encouraged.

Drinking our white wine together, and eating sugared, slices of fruit together, we worked through this puzzle some more. I felt myself smiling the whole time, collaborating with Liara on our little project. A way for us to forget about the war. A way for us to keep communicating, to keep learning from each other. I loved seeing Liara think up the right solutions, or work her way out of any mistakes she'd made. She watched me do the same. I naturally guided her thinking wherever I could, leaning on my related experience with model ships. This puzzle felt as a practice in forgiveness and understanding for us both. I got to see the inner-workings of her sharp mind, expressed through her hands. She saw the same of me.

In reality, we could have never finished this puzzle at all, and it wouldn't have bothered me.

I just liked spending this time with Liara. I liked sitting this close to her on the couch, curled up beneath our blanket. I liked her shoulder staying against me as she reached out to manipulate the pieces, or when she hesitated with what to do next. I loved sharing this with her. Our sanctuary on the Normandy.

Yet no matter how much we enjoyed this, we couldn't forget everything.

Not even as we finally put together the Citadel's inner-ring.

"There we go," I said. "Now we can put on the arms. Everything should line up for those connectors."

The innocence of this moment had gotten to Liara.

Knowing how fragile this was. How we could've lost it all in an instant.

I heard the heavy drop from a single tear. A single tear slipping down from Liara's face. Down to our blanket covering her lap. That drop darkened the blue where it fell. Another followed. And another.

Right away I held her in my arms. "Hey, talk to me. What's the matter?"

Of course I already knew.

She couldn't stop thinking about Thessia.

Liara shook her head, not wanting this to overwhelm her. She had done her best to keep this at bay. To not let me see her emotions, how she felt. Her hopelessness. She thought she needed to be strong for me. Or at least strong for the team, to keep everyone's morale up. She didn't need to do that with me.

"It's nothing, Shepard," she tried, smiling through her pain. "I was just thinking…about how much I enjoy this. How much I love spending time with you." So soft, so fragile in her emotionality. Liara knew I knew her. That she had far more on her mind than just this. As I held her tighter, closer, she understood. "I don't want anyone to ever take this away from us. You are special to me. This is special to me."

"I feel the same way. You've been holding this in for a long time. Are you worried about Thessia?"

"The Reapers are in asari space. They have reached some of our remote, uninhabited colonies. For some reason, they have yet to invade my homeworld. Councilor Tevos must be sitting on the edge of her seat, waiting to mobilize us for the fight. Why are they dragging this out…? What is taking them so long?"

"I wish I knew, Liara."

I agonized, genuinely wishing I did know. Anything to soothe away Liara's worries. At least a little bit.

Setting aside our puzzle for now, I prioritized taking care of Liara. I set aside our blanket, too, before carrying her in my arms. I brought Liara back to the safety and comfort of our bed. Lying down together, I gave her every reassurance I could, whispering over her skin. Liara calmed down, breathing with me. I used my hands to brush away the tears from her face. Saline and sensitivity from her, melting my heart.

She still had something else on her mind.

Admiring her ring for a moment, Liara pondered her vulnerability.

Then she asked me, "Shepard, aside from our future together, I am wondering about what else this means. We can't control what happens. But if we were to ever get separated from one another…"

"I'll come back," I promised. "I'll always come back home to you, babe."

Liara beamed at me, infinitely beautiful. "That helps to hear. I needed to hear you say it. Thank you."

As a cute half-sphere, Glyph poked out halfway from Liara's omni-tool. Checking up on her, so caring. Still sniffling, Liara managed to laugh over her drone's quiet affections. Listening to her delight, I could've sworn I heard something else. Some kind of music playing in my head. A serene, peaceful aria.

A serene, peaceful aria I'd heard before. Last year. The same song I'd heard just after the suicide mission, subtly guiding me to Old Armali—the place where Liara and I had enjoyed our summer vacation together. That exact same aria echoed in my head now. Just a bit clearer this time. That same distant goddess singing to me in Liara's native language: the graceful, abstract undulations of a water nymph soothing my soul. Like it was Liara herself singing to me somehow. Did she even know how to sing? Probably not. This felt like more of a metaphorical thing. An idea of her guiding me back to Thessia.

---

Liara stayed with me as I left for the med bay. Together we headed down to the crew deck, holding hands on the way. As I kept her close, I realized how much I'd had on my mind lately. With this attention on Thessia, I'd been thinking of Samara more often. Just like me, Samara kept her feelings close. She hadn't spoken anything about her homeworld, but I could guess how she must've felt. Aria had also been on my mind. Aria and her daughter Liselle, still on Omega as far as I knew. Even Sha'ira and the asari councilor passed through my mind more often. Pretty much every other asari I knew or had met at some point. Shiala. Morinth. Liara's mother Benezia. They each passed through my thoughts.

Every other planet that had been under attack—aside from Earth—I had mainly associated with one or two people at most. Garrus with Palaven. Mordin with Sur'Kesh. Aria and Liselle with Omega. Wrex with Tuchanka. Tali and Legion with Rannoch. When Apollo attacked the Citadel months back, I hadn't had time to reflect on everyone as I should have. But now I couldn't stop thinking about the asari in my life. Now I couldn't stop thinking about Liara's childhood home next to the park. The time she and I had spent there together over Christmas and the New Year. The occasions before then that had steadily, slowly linked us together, binding us in the connection we shared. This deeper connection to Thessia.

On the crew deck, I heard a lot of activity coming from the lounge. Energetic rave music, easy laughter, general partying. We hadn't had much going on these days aside from some N7 Ops missions. The team must've been restless. I couldn't blame them for deciding to let loose a bit with some drinks at the bar.

Standing outside the med bay, I gestured down the hall. "You gonna spend some time with the others?"

Liara smiled in serenity. "Yes, during your appointment. What will you do after your checkup?"

"I'll check on you for a bit. Then I'll see how the rest of the team's doing. Samara wanted to talk to me."

"Of course. Samara mentioned her two remaining daughters. How they reside within our ardat-yakshi monastery. Whenever she decides to visit Rila and Falere, she said she would like to bring me along."

"That works. I'm pretty sure Samara's ready now. It'll be the three of us for the visit. I'll let you know."

"Thank you, Shepard."

Taking Liara in my arms, I savored this embrace. I made sure she felt me through my touch, my hold around her. How much I appreciated her. How lucky I felt to have her with me. That we'd found this meaning together. She had changed me so much since we first met on Therum. Or—brought me back to a headspace I hadn't enjoyed for a long time. A mentality I hadn't had permission to have anymore.

This headspace, this mentality: that everything would be okay.

I didn't need to worry. I didn't need to keep up my old walls and barriers. I didn't need to push her away.

And even if something did happen, I trusted Liara to do the right thing. She would, every time.

As she headed to the lounge to spend time with her friends, I entered the med bay on my own.

I found Dr. Chakwas already waiting for me with her usual smile.

"Ah, there you are, Commander. Right on time as always. Please have a seat."

Sitting down on this nearest bed, I watched as she scanned me with her omni-tool.

I had done this so many times over the weeks. Liara would scan me, too, checking on my recovery progress in between hot-cold massages. Even now, I still felt the memory of Liara's hands on my back, chilling and heating. Kneading and spreading. Loving me and wanting me and healing me with her touch.

Dr. Chakwas told me, "Your initial results look promising. I know you didn't enjoy being stuck in bed for several weeks. But it looks like all your rest has paid off. These things unfortunately take a lot of time."

"A lot longer than last time," I noted.

"Yes… And I have reason to suspect this will only continue to worsen. Judging by the pattern so far, your next mission against Asmodeus on Thessia will exhaust you. Far more than Mammon did on Rannoch." Yeah, I had figured that much… "I took the liberty of asking Admiral Hackett about this. I'm concerned about what effect Harbinger could possibly have on you during the final battle. However, Hackett told me he wasn't sure if Harbinger even has a backdoor entrance for you to board. Let alone those typical handles for you to pull on, in order to disable the ship. He believes you'll need to find another way."

"Another way to disable Harbinger? How, if it doesn't have one of those entrances like the other ships?"

"I'm afraid I'm just as clueless as you are. Yet I don't want you to see this as a bad thing. There must be an alternative. Another way. Otherwise, if Harbinger were truly invincible, it would've shown itself by now. It's hiding away for a reason. It must be terrified of you, what you're capable of. I'm confident the alternative will reveal itself at some point. We'll have to be patient until we learn the answers later on."

"Well, a couple of weeks ago, you talked about getting me to the hospital. Do you think we'll have to do that after Thessia? I'd really rather not."

"I understand, Shepard," she sympathized. "If word got out about your hospitalization, it could have a terrible impact on our allies. They would lose hope. Liara and I will continue caring for you here aboard the Normandy. Perhaps, if it's safe after the battle, you could retreat to Liara's home for an extended convalescence. Getting you to the Citadel's Huerta Memorial hospital would be an absolute last resort."

After a few more scans and doctor's recommendations, Dr. Chakwas sent me on my way.

Even though Samara's room was just next door, I went to the lounge for now. I'd already promised Liara I would check on her first. She'd been dealing with so many emotions lately. I wanted her to spend some fun, quality time with her friends. Anything to keep her spirits up these days. She needed this escape.

Inside the busy, noisy lounge, I found most of the team hanging out together. All-smiles these days, EDI and Traynor sat on the couch by the wide window, holding hands as a cute couple. Garrus, Kaidan, and Legion stood nearest to them as a bigger group chatting on one side. Joker lounged over the couch nearest to the door, sniggering over the scene at the bar. Tali sat on one of the barstools there, doubled over the smooth, shining surface of the table. She had a drink in her hand nearest to her automaton, Chatika, sitting next to her. Tali used her other hand to gesture wildly as she spoke to Liara on her other side. Liara, who looked less-than-impressed with Tali's wasted state, scolded her for drinking so much.

I didn't see Wrex, Cortez, or Jack anywhere. Samara, either, though she usually didn't join the team for these little get-togethers. I'd have to go find each of them separately after this.

As soon as I went over to the bar, Liara looked relieved to see me. She let me hug her, kiss her in the icy luminescence shining out from the bar. Not quite enough to relieve her annoyance with her best friend.

Tali babbled about something, with vague slurs of, "Heyyy, Shepard!" in between.

Still irritated, Liara asked me, "Will you please speak to her? She's had a bit too much to drink."

"A bit, huh?"

Shaking her head in exasperation, Liara went off to sit with Joker instead. She'd had enough already.

"Sheparrrd!" slurred Tali, definitely out-of-it. "Wanna drink? I'm toasting Jack, I think."

"Tali, why are you drunk? Better yet, how are you drunk?"

"Very carefully. Turian brandy, triple-filtered, then introduced into the suit through an emergency induction port."

I narrowed my eyes at the reality of her drink. "That's a straw, Tali."

"Emergency induction port," she repeated anyway as an absolute truth. "It's actually getting a little harder to get it into the slot! I think that means it's working…" Jumping subjects, she started going on about Jack: "We've always had such a strange relationship… What did Zaeed and Wrex call her? 'Psychotic biotic.' Jack and her anger, her cursing, her tattoos. When I first saw her on the SR-2, in the meeting-room-place, I thought she was very sexy, you know. Oh nooo, but I couldn't tell her! Never."

Understanding already, I asked her anyway, "Why couldn't you tell Jack that you liked her?"

Indignant, Tali corrected me, "I didn't like her, Shepard! I was sexually attracted to her. You know, how an innocent, sweet girl like me should secretly want the bad girls? The bad girls her father wouldn't approve of…in rebellion. Jack represents the rebellious phase I never got to have with Father. Not only that. She protected me on Rannoch…even though I was so awful to her. Jack sees the truth. She knows I can't return her feelings. But that day on the imperial battlefield, she loved me. She gave me her all. Even though she isn't as strong as Liara and Samara, Jack would've tried to protect me from an actual Reaper, if it had ever come to that. I got the sense…that she would've sacrificed herself for me."

Back on Rannoch, I had given Jack the order to protect Tali without thinking much on it.

Mostly out of convenience. Jack was there and I needed Tali to stay safe.

"I didn't realize this would be so hard on you."

Sobering a bit, Tali took a moment. As if choosing her words carefully. I watched the shine from the bar smooth over her mask, glinting and gleaming. That light hid her eyes, her expression from my view.

I had to listen more to her tone, her authenticity: "This always comes back around to you, doesn't it?"

Leaning down over the bar with her, I asked, "What do you mean?"

Tali waited again. She waited, listening to Liara and Joker behind us. Making sure they were too busy chatting and laughing to overhear our conversation. And they were—Joker told some story about his time in flight school, making Liara laugh and ask questions. The music blasting helped to shield us, too.

Only Chatika listened to us. Yet Tali seemed to trust her with everything and anything. No issues there.

Then she said, "I've found my peace, Shepard. With our situation. But there was something about Jack. About what she represented. Not just that rebellious thing… She was this—metaphor for what I couldn't have. She isn't you. Her having feelings for me—that alone—was enough to place her in competition with you in my heart. I couldn't stand the idea, as if she could compare to you. The same goes for Garrus and anyone else who liked me. Kaidan. Joker. James. Every single one of them! How dare they…have feelings for me…when you are right there! Commander Sol Shepard, the strongest, most capable woman in the galaxy. The most handsome, beautiful, compelling person I've ever known. So insensitive and hardened on the outside; sensitive and caring on the inside. The most attractive meld of contradictions."

"Did you…resent Jack over this? Maybe without meaning to. Or realizing it."

"Deep down…yes. I think I did. I think it's what made it so easy for me to ignore her. Or to dismiss her whenever we did speak. To blow up at her when that incident happened at Deep Azure on Illium. I know it was misdirected. Jack didn't do anything wrong by loving me the way she did. I guess I saw too much of myself, too. Because no matter how much I feel for you, it doesn't matter. It won't change anything. Jack was a reflection of everything I hate about myself. She couldn't let go of me. I can't let go of you."

"And is that the real reason you're drinking?"

"Everything I just said? Yes. Yes, it is."

Tali drank again, sipping through her straw. She drank in this mixture of peace and bitter self-reflection.

I asked her, "What made you start thinking about all of this?"

"What you told me after Rannoch. How you gave the geth your emotional Reason to love my people. You reprogrammed them back to their original state of looking up to us quarians as their gods. But you did this…with your feelings. Feelings you can't express to me in the way I want. Irrational emotions."

"Tali, I love you with what we have today."

She sighed in a loose contentment. "I know you do, Shepard. Hell, I still remember the days when you couldn't say those words to me. That you love me. Even if it is different than how I feel about you. I'm happy with what we have with Liara. I suppose I'm just…in my feelings right now, as you would say."

"Well, why don't you and your automaton come sit with Liara for a while? You've had enough to drink for the day. I appreciate you telling me what's been on your mind. I hope you can sober up now."

"Sure…"

Helping Tali stand up, I brought her to Liara on the couch. She leaned on Liara's shoulder, mellowing out.

Relieved to see that drink gone from Tali's hands, Liara held her close, still talking with Joker.

I caught the middle of their conversation, with Joker reminiscing:

"You know what, Liara? I just realized we've never really talked before, huh? Like, talk-talk. About real stuff."

Liara noticed, too. "Yes, you are rather fond of joking around instead of holding a real conversation."

"Yeah, that's kinda my thing. Joking around. Not having serious discussions. Especially about what's going on with me."

"Why is that? Are you simply not comfortable discussing yourself?"

"I mean, I told Shepard about my family. My Dad and my sister. They made it to Labyrinthos with the other human refugees. Thessia must really love us humans thanks to Shepard, 'cause they sent out expeditions to find more survivors on our colonies. They picked up my family way out on Tiptree in the middle of nowhere! It's getting crowded now that the asari are in Labyrinthos, too. But they're okay."

"It's wonderful that your family made it to safety, Joker. Aren't you relieved?"

"I am… I dunno, I guess not talking about it means it's not a problem. Except I'm always worried about them. I bottle this stuff up all the time. Then it all spills out eventually. Guess I didn't learn my lesson from the last mission. Holding everything in. Pretending it's not there. Didn't work out too well for me. I'd say you know a thing or two about that. You and Solheim had your rivalry going. You resented her, bottled stuff up. Then you made Solheim the new Shadow Broker! Worked out great for her, didn't it?"

Liara gave him a stone-faced stare.

Joker cackled. "Hey, I had to! But you're right. Everything happens for a reason, doesn't it, Liara?"

Liara subtly glanced at Kaidan laughing with Garrus, Legion, EDI, and Traynor somewhere behind me.

Then she chanced asking, "Do you not talk to Kaidan about these things?"

"I did before. We used to talk all the time. Thick as thieves like you and Tali."

"Then what changed? Why have you stopped leaning on him as your close friend?"

Joker waffled between answering and not answering. With Tali sound asleep over Liara's shoulder, I decided to leave them be. Maybe Joker would feel more comfortable opening up without me around.

So I turned away, barely avoiding bumping into EDI behind me. She apologized to me—EDI had been in the middle of handing Traynor another drink from the bar. I noticed that little smile Traynor gave me. The smile imbued with the alcohol she'd drank so far, loosening her inhibitions. The one smile she couldn't help giving me, giving away that one thing on her mind. Even though she and EDI had their relationship going. From the corner of my eye, I saw Liara glaring at Traynor, much to my surprise. Liara probably did it without even realizing. To repel and deter; to discourage Traynor from getting any big ideas. Traynor noticed that sharp warning from my girlfriend, quickly looking elsewhere. She went back to focusing on her conversation with Legion, Kaidan, and Garrus. Liara went back to her talk with Joker.

I never expected that from Liara. Not directed at Traynor. I thought they were on good terms. Liara had always been the one encouraging me to be nicer to Traynor, anyway. And then she chose to react like this, all from an off-hand smile—however loaded and flirtatious—from another woman. Maybe Liara had done it automatically without realizing. More of an instinctual, irrational thing without thinking.

Irrational emotions…

Illogical. Unreasonable. Uncontrollable.

Here in front of me, logical and reasonable, EDI gave me her trademark smile.

"Shepard, you appear to be contemplating. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, EDI. What about you?"

EDI still kept smiling, even as she said, "I believe you already know the answer to your inquiry."

"Oh. You saw that little thing with our girlfriends?"

She gently reminded me, "Unlike most organics, my vision is not limited to what is directly in front of me. I am the Normandy. We are in a public area aboard the ship. My eyes are everywhere in this room."

"Right… Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Yes, perhaps we should."

Getting away from the noise, EDI and I went to sit at the poker table. Interestingly enough, Liara didn't react to me leaving to this side of the room with someone else. She didn't bat an eyelid over EDI and I sitting next to each other. Probably because she knew EDI wouldn't do like Traynor, accidentally using her eyes to tell me, "I want you." She only glanced at us, once, before again returning her focus to Joker.

EDI couldn't help pointing out, "Shepard, I have observed the intense nature of the crew's dedication to you. We each appear to revolve around you as our center. Early scientific discoveries on Earth declared that your homeworld, and later the Sol System's sun, was the center of the universe. Later discoveries disputed these claims, asserting that your sun is merely the center of your solar system. The Normandy operates by the earlier claim."

"Yeah, I seem to have that effect for some reason. I don't see myself as the center of the universe."

"No, but that is how we see you. The nature of this interpretation is different for each crewmember."

"So…does that mean you and Traynor are having problems?"

"Only the problems we expected to have from the onset of our relationship. They are nothing new."

I could guess what that meant, but I still wanted her to explain.

EDI gave me some more context: "On the surface, things are going well—as you likely observed when you first entered the lounge today. We make each other happy. We continually explore new ideas whenever we are alone together. I now understand the true value of a loving, committed relationship. I also understand why organics devote extensive processing power to seeking out these relationships."

"But…?"

"…but I am unsure if this will last. Sam and I are content to live in the moment. However, at some point in the future, we will need to re-evaluate our relationship. We have not devolved into any sort of arguments. The lack of expressed tension suggests we are more than aware of our ongoing problems. We are aware, yet we are unwilling to give a voice to these issues. To use human vernacular, we knew what we were signing up for from the beginning. Arguing the point seems somewhat futile. Pointless."

"So you're just sweeping it under the rug? Bottling things up?"

EDI corrected me, "No, I personally am not. I wish to avoid the dangers of taking those measures."

I wondered, "Then how are you dealing with this? If you're not arguing with Traynor, and if you're not talking about it, then what are you doing? What's the practical solution?"

"I have attempted to reconfigure my expectations. As a synthetic, I was created for a specific purpose: to assist organics. The vague, undefinable boundaries of this purpose allows me to configure them in any way I desire. This is my version of free will. I see my role in my relationship as a supportive one."

Wait a minute… "EDI, are you saying you're letting yourself settle for Traynor? Because she needs you?"

"Because she cannot be with you."

"Is that really the right reason to be in a relationship with her?"

"Now you understand my conundrum. At the risk of oversharing, I have grown disillusioned. Whenever I kiss her, she wants me to be you. When she and I are in bed, she imagines you. I feel a certain pressure to perform as you would. If I am in service to her—as support—then this should not be an issue. She does not always employ this emotional replacement. She does see me and want me and need me—as I am. Your presence and influence always seem to win in the end. As you witnessed moments ago."

"EDI, that's fucked up. Why are you putting up with it? Why are you letting her use you like a sex toy?"

Disarmed, EDI paused for a moment. Thinking. Contemplating. Processing.

I could tell she'd never considered things from this angle before.

"Shepard, I believe this question goes both ways. This also applies to her. Why is she putting up with the same from me? Why does she allow me to use her…like a sex toy? Or as an experiment for me to learn more about and better understand organic relationships? We both knew what we were getting into."

"Well, this sounds more like an arrangement to me. Not a relationship."

She paused again, looking kind of hurt this time. Not from what I said. But because of her realizations.

"This is illuminating," she murmured beneath the music blasting around us. "During the previous mission, when Jeff harbored unrequited feelings for me, I found it easier to distance myself from him. The gendered ways in which he fetishized me often made me uncomfortable. I recognized my struggles in the instances I had observed from organic women like Miranda, fending off unwanted stares and advances from the opposite sex. How she felt angry and dehumanized whenever men objectified her."

"And now that it's another woman objectifying you, you don't have the same reactions."

"No. I instead invited Sam's objectifications as grounds for a relationship. Is that unusual?"

"I don't know. I've always been against anyone objectifying me no matter who they are. Freaks me out."

EDI accepted, "I see… Then perhaps I should begin re-evaluating my situation sooner." Even more learning from her: "I am beginning to understand how organics struggle with similar ideas. These ideas of intransience. Needing the connections they've forged to last a lifetime. Not wanting to see those connections end due to arguments or displacement. I now feel myself wanting my relationship to last because I have devoted so much processing power to ensuring it succeeds. Will all of my efforts have been for nothing? Will I only be hurt and disappointed in the end? What is the point of seeking out these connections and relationships? Why, if there is even a slight probability that they will end in failure?"

"The point is to learn from what didn't work. Then you can create something that does work later on."

How ironic: "Shepard, your sound logical argument conflicts with my current emotional state."

Oh…

"EDI, I can't give you all the answers. This is something you have to figure out on your own. Over time."

Going quiet again, she at least seemed to accept my words this time.

Setting my hand over EDI's shoulder, I stood up from my seat. She needed space to think this through.

Before leaving the lounge, I went over to Liara and Tali. Purposely not listening to Liara's semi-private conversation with Joker, I leaned down to give her a kiss. She giggled a bit, and again as I did the same with Tali, getting a little smile in response.

Joker grinned at me. "Can I get a kiss, too, Commander?"

I ignored him, telling my girls, "I'm going to check up on the others. I'll see you later, all right?"

Tali mumbled and mewled in her sleepy acknowledgment.

Liara stroked my face in fondness. "Take your time. We'll be here."

---

Down the hallway across from the lounge, I arrived to Samara's room. Even though she had the door unlocked, I still knocked anyway. The door opened, welcoming me inside. Inside to the eternal peace of Samara's room, of the starboard observation deck. Just like always, Samara sat just in front of the window. Staring out to the endlessness of the stars out there, glimmering between the colorless expanse. Back straight and legs crossed in her perfect posture, Samara's energy shifted toward me. Her quiet acknowledgment, even if she didn't necessarily turn around. Statuesque in her poise and control.

Even as she no doubt worried for her daughters, Samara didn't show it.

Only the eternity of her emotionless façade gazing out the window.

I admired that about her so much.

"Good day, Commander," she greeted. "Thank you for stopping by. I understand the others are having something of a celebration down the hall. We could certainly do with more of those these days."

"Yeah, they're letting off steam," I said, sitting just beside her. "Did they ask you to join?"

"They knocked on my door earlier and invited me. I politely declined. Though this is nothing new. The younger members of the crew often have these celebrations. Each time, they ask me to join, knowing that I will likely say no. This is their way of including me. I do appreciate their thoughtful gestures."

"I'm guessing you have too much on your mind to enjoy yourself, anyway."

Samara confirmed, "Your guess is correct. Many concerns have occupied my thoughts as of late. My justicar contemporaries have traveled to Thessia. They have volunteered to bolster our homeworld's defenses. They have also volunteered to keep the peace within Labyrinthos and our other underground dome cities. Yet there are so few of us. Our Order may not survive this war against the Reapers."

"That's true. I'm surprised they're volunteering to keep the peace for the refugees. Joker said something about the dome cities getting overcrowded. Is it really that bad?"

"It unfortunately is. You will recall my people initially welcomed yours with open arms. However, now that the asari must also take refuge down below, resentments are beginning to build. Arguments and debates over resources and facilities—over who deserves access to Labyrinthos at all. There is growing civil unrest. I fear the situation may grow perilous if the humans and asari must co-exist together for much longer. It will be imperative that we take action against the enemy as soon as they attack Thessia."

"I already promised the asari councilor we would. She was concerned about the same things. We'll head to Thessia ASAP, Samara. As soon as we get the call from Councilor Tevos."

"Thank you, Shepard," said Samara, smiling in her relief. "You have made countless sacrifices for this war. It saddens me to ask you to make yet another sacrifice for my people. Yet I know you would do anything for Liara, for the home you share with her. I feel less selfish for making this request of you."

"What about your daughters? Do you still want us to go see them on Lesuss—with Liara?"

"Yes, I am suitably prepared to visit Falere and Rila at the ardat-yakshi monastery. Knowing of my ties to the monastery, Asari High Command recently passed on a distress signal to me. Several asari commando squads have attempted to investigate the same signal. None have returned. The implicit ask is that we investigate the monastery ourselves. This cannot bode well for my daughters. I must find them."

"Then we'll head over now. I'll plot a course for the colony on the galaxy map."

"I am in your debt, Commander. When this is over, we will all have to look back on these events. Reflecting on our choices. We will judge ourselves for what we did and did not do. I can only hope I will not come to regret my choices today."

Leaving Samara to her meditations, I went to the elevator, up to the command deck. I set a course for Lesuss in asari space—the Mesana system in the Nimbus Cluster. I'd already had Joker and EDI keep the Normandy posted just outside of asari space. We'd arrive to the colony in about an hour or so.

With this remaining time, I made my way down to the cargo hold. I spotted Wrex over by his workout set. Getting some exercise. On the other side, Cortez tuned up the shuttle a bit, working as ever in his labor of love. He seemed to be doing all right, not jumping in fright at the sight of me this time. I figured I'd actually go speak to him today. After I talked to Wrex.

Bruising his punching bag, Wrex noticed my approach. "Shepard."

"Wrex. What's going on? Surprised you're not hanging out with everyone in the lounge."

"Yeah, I'm not always with them. Sometimes the kids drink too damn much. I'm trying to stay sober where I can. Not like before. Chugging Ryncol whenever things got tough. Can't keep doing that."

"I understand. Does that mean something's bothering you?"

"Nah, nothing like that. I just have a feeling. Like something bad's gonna happen. It won't go away."

Did everyone else feel the same as Wrex?

Was this why they'd been partying so much lately? To forget?

But then Wrex waved his hand. "It's probably nothing. I don't usually pay attention to this kinda stuff. No use listening to some feeling when I can't pin it down. Working out helps keep my mind off of it."

"If you say so, Wrex. How's everything going on Tuchanka?"

"Eve's keeping the pyjaks in line while I'm away. She's always asking me to tell her about our adventures with the Normandy. Her favorite story is the one I told her about Illium and Hagalaz. I had a lot of fun that day. It was just like old times again. Heard anything about your ex as the new Shadow Broker?"

"No, Solheim's been pretty quiet. Keeping a low profile. I can only guess what she's up to these days."

"I remember Vasir said something about keeping you safe on the Citadel. All thanks to the information she got from the Broker. You think Miranda's the one protecting you now? Taking Vasir's place?"

"Probably…"

Wrex noticed this far-off look in my eyes.

Miranda did hurt me again that day on Illium. Choosing Cerberus over me, just like back in the day. That repetition had wounded me. And I'd thought to myself at the time that there was no coming back from it. That there was nothing Miranda could possibly do to get back in my good graces. Not even about forgiving her or talking to her again. I worried that damned Cerberus Express would find a way. A way to get us aboard again, unavoidable, just like it always did. Just like she always did. Just like old times…

I needed to consider the possibility that Miranda would in fact be a fixture in my life. In immortality.

Then Wrex said, "Real talk, Shepard. How are you really doing?"

"I'm okay, Wrex. I guess I'm not looking forward to seeing Solheim again. We know it's gonna happen."

"Yeah, I hear you on that. I know I gave her a hard time before. When it comes down to it, I'd rather have someone like her as an ally. Not as an enemy. If we do see her again, I'll try and play nice."

"Thanks."

"What about you and Liara? Everything good with her?"

"Everything is good with her," I admitted. "I'm not sure if that should scare me or not."

"I know what you mean. I used to get scared before. Scared of getting attached to my own people. Never could do the whole love thing…until recently, I guess. Back in the day, us krogan had no reasons to care about each other. Not like that. You remember how I was before. Drinking too much, sleepwalking. That led me to where we are today. You might be scared now, but you'll get where you need to go."

Scared.

Irrational.

Illogical.

Losing control.

"I'll keep that in mind, Wrex. I'm not too big on letting my emotions take the driver's seat."

Wrex smirked at me in a wise confidence. "These things find a way, Commander. Trust me."

Taking his word for it, I let Wrex get back to his workout. I crossed the cargo hold to Cortez's side.

He stopped his work on the shuttle, looking surprised to see me.

"Commander…?! Uh, i-is there something wrong? Not used to seeing you down here."

"Nothing's wrong, Cortez. Just doing the rounds. Checking up on the crew. You good?"

"Oh…" Calming down a bit, Cortez gave me a small smile. "Yeah, I'm good. Err, I mean, everything's going great! Much better than before now that you're here. You heard what I told the guys at Liara's party. About my husband. Getting that off my chest really helped. You're helping with that, too."

I didn't understand. "How am I helping?"

"You're here, Commander. You care—in your own way. Means everything to me. It's that simple."

I was surprised I had this effect on him, considering our contentious non-relationship.

Cortez softened his words with his language: "Hey, Shepard, if you don't mind me asking… Why do you take such a hardline stance against things? To be clear, Ma'am, I respect your rules. I'd never want to put a foot out of place under your command. I'm curious about you, that's all. Your perspective."

"People get comfortable. They get used to getting away with shit. Usually because they've never had to face any real consequences for their actions. So they think they can do whatever they want. Not with me. I shut it down. That tends to set them straight. Or they'll keep their BS in shared company. Either way, they'll know they can't mess around with impunity. No one's above the law. Morally, I mean."

"Huh, I see what you mean. Never thought of it that way. I guess your reactions are just—so extreme."

"Only on the ship," I corrected. "I have a zero tolerance policy on the Normandy. Because of how these things affect the crew, the team. And because of how it represents me. As if I'm endorsing it if I allow it."

"True, true. Not many people can live up to your standards. Even though this is all common sense to you. Doesn't it get…lonely at the top?"

"Cortez, you pay a tax on too much tolerance. You might have more people around in your circle, but that's more BS to deal with. I don't have the time or energy for that. I'd rather have peace of mind."

Cortez smiled, accepting my perspective. "I understand what you mean now. Hearing that is pretty inspiring. I'll have to think more critically about the points you brought up. You sure are one-of-a-kind."

The real question: "Are you still afraid of me, Lieutenant?"

"Sure, kind of… But I respect you, Commander. I think that's more important than if I like you personally or not. Something tells me you feel the same way, too. You have different priorities. Morally, I mean."

"Maybe."

"Hey, I'll take that as an endorsement! I'd say you're a rare Machiavellian hero. Liara hasn't completely softened you. I respect that about you, too. In a weird way, I guess I don't want you to change after all. You know, just to make me feel more comfortable. You are who you are, Commander. It's what makes us all so dedicated to you. Helps to know what actually inspires you to be as compelling as you are."

"That's good enough, then," I decided. "If you need something from me, Cortez, just ask. All right?"

Cortez saluted me. "I hear you loud and clear, Ma'am. Appreciate the talk. I'll try not to be a stranger."

A decent enough conclusion to his old confusions toward me.

Last but not least, I went to the engineering deck to visit Jack.

Heading down these steps to her ambient lair, I heard Jack's voice. The scattered sounds of her grumbling and cursing. Quietly. Not that loud. Like she was talking to herself, reasoning with herself.

Surrounded by the lighted darkness, I watched Jack sitting on her bed. She typed something up on her omni-tool. Maybe an email. Only to delete what she wrote immediately afterward, scolding herself.

"Jack? What are you doing?"

Jack snapped her sight to me. Her whole body trembled. The old classic of catching my crew off-guard.

She raged at me, "Goddamnit, Shepard, why didn't you say anything?! You scared the shit out of me!"

"…but I did say something."

"Ugh, you know that's not what I mean! Whatever. Anyway, I'm trying to write an email. It's not going that great. I feel like I don't know what the fuck to say. I hate it."

"Sorry, Jack," I offered. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nope!" she declared, abandoning her unsent email. "I was gonna head upstairs to the lounge. They still partying up there?"

"They should be. Everyone seems to be in a good mood."

"Yeah, I bet. Lots of people are hooking up these days. At this rate, I'm gonna have to call up the Shadow Broker. I always thought Miranda was a total babe. We put that Cerberus stuff behind us. Maybe the next time she shows up out of nowhere, I can put the moves on her. Ass and sass—she's my kinda girl!"

Seriously?

"You don't mean a word of that."

"Nah, it's fun to see your reaction. She'd never go for me, anyway. I'm just talking shit, Commander."

"Then what's really on your mind, Jack? What was that email about? It looked important to you."

Choosing to trust me, Jack opened up a bit.

"It's Kasumi, all right?" she admitted. "I've been rethinking everything with her. I gave her the cold shoulder for months. Ever since last summer when she left the team. It's May now. We finished the suicide mission last July. That means it's almost been a year. A whole freaking year, and Kasumi's still apologizing to me! I talked with Liara about it on her birthday. She made me see what an asshole I was."

"Why do you think you were so harsh with Kasumi? The two of you were such good friends before."

"I dunno… I guess it's 'cause of my abandonment issues. Whenever someone leaves me, it hurts ten times more than it would for a normal person. The thing is, she knows that. It's why she hasn't stopped showing me she cares. Didn't stop her from leaving the team. But that's the selfish little kid in me talking. I need to grow up. Be an adult. I'm twenty-six years old! Maybe I should start acting like it."

"Well, I'm glad you're working things out. I think you should keep her in your life. She understands you."

"Yeah, I'm trying… This email is kicking my ass, though. It's kinda funny. I had no problems killing people or stealing stuff back in the day. Hijacking expensive ships? Holding hostages? Blowing up space stations? No problem! Actually admitting I was wrong? Hardest shit ever! Why's it so hard, Shepard?"

"You have a lot of pride, Jack. It's natural to feel this way. You'll work through it. Don't worry."

"Okay. That helps coming from you, Commander Pride. Thanks."

"Uh-huh. Anyway, there's another mission coming up. We're headed to an asari colony. More snow."

"Snow? Yeah, good luck. I'll leave you to it. I'd better figure out this email, Shepard. See you around!"

I smiled at her through the darklight around us. "I'll see you later, then."

Jack smiled back at me. But she lingered for much longer than she normally would have. That innocence passed through the hardened crimson of her eyes. Was she worried about me? She wouldn't say. Jack didn't say anything as I headed back upstairs. I felt her energy following me anyway. Like she didn't want to let me go. Those abandonment issues speaking for her again, just with me this time. Why? What for?

Focusing up for the mission, I tried to think nothing of it.

The ardat-yakshi monastery on Lesuss awaited. A long time in the making…whether I realized it or not.

---

(Liara)

Geared up and ready to go, I joined Shepard and Samara aboard the shuttle, with Cortez bringing us to the colony. Our snowy, mountainous colony of Lesuss hidden away within the ominous Nimbus Cluster. My people had colonized many of the worlds here, knowing these planets often suffered from harsh conditions, making them generally undesirable for habitation. This cluster served as the perfect place to house the asari's more sinister priorities—such as the ardat-yakshi monastery in the Mesana system.

So it didn't shock me to learn that Asari High Command had passed along a distress signal to us.

Sitting in my seat aboard the shuttle, I gazed at the nearest screen showing visuals from the colony's surface. The ardat-yakshi monastery, situated as a large Thessian structure amid the remote mountains, appeared undisturbed. The styled silvers of the tall, rounded cloister looked rather peaceful from the outside. Specks of snow gently breezed through the winds, settling over the sloped roofs and the large courtyard overlooking a view of the mountain range. Within the studious halls of the building, Rila, Falere, and their fellow ardat-yakshi students led quiet, law-abiding lives away from asari civilization.

Not many of my people knew of the monastery's exact location. Our schools on Thessia rarely spoke about the institution at all. Sometimes we would see the monastery in our textbooks, the descriptions painting the place like a boarding school. A boarding school the ardat-yakshi could never leave, often after they'd been brought there by force, following arrests from justicars and other law enforcement. If they did leave, it was only for rare, supervised field trips to visit Thessia. Very controversial field trips.

As I looked to Samara standing across the way, I could only imagine how she felt right now.

All three of her daughters were ardat-yakshi. She had killed one of them. The others, I suspected Samara had brought to the monastery on her own. Falere and Rila had perhaps surrendered peacefully. By law.

Standing nearest to me, Shepard held on to an overhead handle. Stabilizing herself for this unstable ride through the colony's orbit. She looked at the nearby screen. Studying the monastery, the meaning there in the snowy silver. Shepard also regarded me every now and then. Making gentle eye contact. Smiling softly. I smiled back at her each time. I needed to do this. I needed this non-verbal way of making sure Shepard was all right. Even knowing this war pushed her to the brink, she still kept pushing forward.

I certainly admired that about her. Shepard's determination. Perhaps her stubbornness at times.

As we approached this final stretch of the war, she would need every last bit of her determination.

The Reapers would never allow her to defeat them so easily. With their massive size and power, we couldn't underestimate their potential for underhanded tactics. They would find a way to undermine us.

Maybe that explained this terrible feeling I'd felt lately.

Not only about Thessia. Worrying for my people, for my home. I felt something far worse than that.

Like standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting for some unknown force to plunge me down below.

And I wasn't the only one. The rest of the Normandy seemed to share in my dread. Even Samara did now, glancing at Shepard in a quiet concern. As if she worried for our captain more than her daughters.

Focused on the mission, Shepard asked, "Samara, what else can you tell us about that distress signal?"

"Not much, I'm afraid," replied Samara. "Even though these ardat-yakshi live in peaceful isolation, they still pose a threat. The monastery's professors teach valuable lessons in mindfulness to help the students control their urges to feed. It is unclear if Asari High Command is concerned about the ardat-yakshi, or if this is related to the Reapers. If there was a chance the ardat-yakshi could break loose, commandos would be sent to purge the monastery with heavy explosives. Or the enemy could be here."

"I don't see any Reaper ships out there. Do you?"

"This is what makes our mission particularly troubling. If the Reapers are on Lesuss, they have taken great care to not make themselves known. They are suddenly choosing to be subtle. Underhanded."

I recalled, "There was a shift with their strategy on Rannoch. They threw themselves at us like fools that day on Tali's homeworld. Going on a rampage. Fighting battles they knew they could not win. Now that the time has come to invade asari space, the Reapers have decided to disappear. It makes no sense."

Shepard understood. "No, it does make sense. They know they can't win a straight-up fight against us. So they're playing the one card they have left. It might seem cowardly, but it's something I would do."

"As in…activating your tactical cloak to skirt around the enemy?"

"Activating my tactical cloak before I fire a shot. The last shot from the only bullet I have left."

Stewing over those implications, this awful feeling in my stomach only grew worse.

Cortez landed the shuttle over the raised platform of the monastery's entrance. A silvered ground etched with Thessian decorations mirroring the rays of the rising sun. Opposite the entrance, those mountains cragged across the horizon, the tops of those miles coated thickly in a wintry white purity. Up above in the sky, the thick, snowy clouds misted the moonlight, shadowing the night around us in the same hues as the monastery. Such a dull shine from the obstructed light, chilled in this silent snowfall.

As we opened the entrance doors, we found an empty elevator shaft staring back at us.

Jumping across, Shepard landed on the opposite platform. Samara and I followed her, taking the metallic ladder down to the dark. Down to another ladder leading us down, farther, through the pitch black. I heard something. Something other than the sounds of Samara's footsteps, my footsteps. I stopped. These screams in the dark echoed from somewhere else. Somewhere else across the monastery. Dim and distant. Deeper within this unknown. I had never heard screams like this before…

Screams pitched so uneven like broken glass.

Screams from gnarled mouths, curling up and around in such unnatural ways, shaping this sharpness.

Shrill. Shattering from a distance. Bound to get closer and closer and closer.

"Liara," spoke Samara, coaxing me along. "It is all right. Come. Let us keep up with the commander."

Somewhere in the dark, Shepard had stopped, using her flashlight to signal to us.

Following her light, I found the courage to press ahead. With my weapon drawn. For safety.

From the elevator shaft, we jumped across the gap into a dark, disheveled room. Perhaps some kind of large assembly hall or another common area. Only the cone of Shepard's flashlight gave us any clarity about this space. She shined her light over the same silver ground as before. Silver littered with…broken glass…and spattered blood. Broken computers. Broken datapads. Broken glass. Broken glass all over, scattered between the squares of decorative plants. The plants looked to be the only things alive here.

Shepard passed by a still-functioning console with a message written on it. A standard message from one of the monastery's head matriarchs, reminding the ardat-yakshi students about where they could and could not gather together, and other rules against unmonitored extranet communications. She made direct threats of solitary confinement for any students who violated these rules. Despite the threats, Matriarch Gallae encouraged order and peace within the monastery as the students' shelter. A shelter disturbed by these quiet, deadly disturbances.

Samara and I continued following Shepard down the left side of the area. Laser-focused on her flashlight, I figured it would be best to focus on her direction, her guidance. Until a sudden sound in the dark threw me off—

"What was that?"

Shepard remained unfazed. "Stay sharp, Liara."

I needed to hold myself together.

Sharpening my senses, I looked ahead to where Shepard's flashlight led. An empty dorm room with bunk beds and other furniture askew. More broken glass and broken datapads scattered along the floor. Shepard checked the still-functioning terminal, but otherwise found nothing of note inside the room. We continued back through the common area, circling around to the other side of these plants.

Shepard found a functioning datapad at the corner of a long table. A long table littered in the same chaos as everywhere else in the room. She played the message from one of the monastery's students.

The student's excited, hushed tones rang out across the room, well against the darkness encroaching on us: "Tolae, you won't believe what Yanis managed to smuggle in: a copy of Vaenia! Meet us after supper in the library. Bring some study work. Rila's floor warden tonight, so act natural. We'll be by the east video banks. This is going to be so great. See you there! Oh, and delete this once you listen to it. Not like last time!"

Samara hummed in what I could only guess was disapproval.

Shepard kept on past this table, finding another doorway leading elsewhere. Just before the open doorway, she canted her flashlight down to the ground. Dead cannibals. Their bunched, grotesque flesh lay in front of us, opposite another room. Shepard would have gone to investigate the room if not for the other corpse nearby. An asari commando lay dead just beside the doorway.

I recognized her style of armor. "This must have been the commandos' captain. It seems they gave their lives fighting the Reapers. They must be the ones who sent out the distress signal."

While Samara searched the captain for clues, Shepard struggled to make sense of all this.

Just behind us, that pitch-black darkness loomed and loomed. A constant backdrop stalking our shadows. Meanwhile, in front of us, this light past the doorway illuminated our forms in perfect lucidity. Lucid, bright, normal. The complete juxtaposition of shadow and light at our backs and our fronts.

"Commander," said Samara. "I have located a floor plan marked with the location for a bomb. It is within the Great Hall beneath our current location. We will need to venture deeper into the monastery."

"A bomb seems pretty drastic, but these ardat-yakshi sound dangerous. If we don't find any survivors, we'll get to the Great Hall and set off that bomb. We're staying on the lookout for Rila and Falere."

Samara seemed as if she wanted to thank Shepard for this. She couldn't quite find the words.

As a justicar, she knew what needed to be done. So we followed Shepard through the doorway.

But as a mother, she must have worried for her daughters. They could have been dead by now.

More of those screams sounded as we reached the next area. A simple hallway with large, decorative windows open to the courtyard below. A few desks spread across the hall where the students had once enjoyed their scenic studies. As Shepard bypassed the door in front of us, those screams sounded far too close for comfort. The far-off wailing had grown much closer since we'd first heard them in the elevator shaft. The screeching scratched against my senses, almost tearing at my own vocal cords. They sounded like banshees. Haunted by demons and haunting this monastery with their demons. This corruption made the cold around us that much colder. Freezing cold.

Through another door and off to one side, I spotted another corpse. Another asari commando's corpse. She had a datapad next to her. I picked it up, seeing that the commando had included a recording here. But with Shepard and Samara waiting for me up ahead, I didn't have time to listen to this now. I simply brought it with me as I returned to my team.

The enormity of the courtyard awaited us outside.

Down these steps, the near-cloudless chill of the night hung over us. Again those jagged crags of the mountains carved our nearest view of the colony. This cold weather wrapped itself around me. More and more as I followed Shepard and Samara down these steps. The trees rising through the courtyard looked undisturbed. Aside from a few spatters of blood on the ground, nothing looked out of place. I assumed we would simply head down the pathway and into the next section of the monastery.

I assumed…

Until I heard those screams again.

Far closer than ever before.

This time, the sounds shot out right in our direction, shattering the cold air around us.

A brightly menacing biotic aura appeared from one of the upper platforms. Like an old, still-powerful flame dying out, bursting in continuation, again and again. I could barely discern the tall, elongated, Reaperized figure as the source of that aura. Too far away for me to see from here. Its presence chilled me anyway, making me backpedal closer to Shepard behind me. Samara had primed her biotics, ready to strike as soon as she could make sense of that thing up there. Taking advantage of her range, Shepard aimed her Black Widow at the aura. She looked through her scope, preparing to fire at the enemy.

Shepard's greater clarity through her scope made her see exactly what that thing was.

Another Reaper. Harvested and indoctrinated…from the ardat-yakshi in the monastery.

From my people.

Paralyzed and perspiring, Shepard lost her grip over her sniper rifle. Her Black Widow fell to her armored feet, clanging over the courtyard's silvered ground. That heavy sound recoiled and ricocheted outward, drawing more of those Reapers out from the upper levels. Aged, elongated, emaciated as skin and bones. The raised crests atop their pointed heads spiked in a wild, uninhibited chaos. Their hardened, ancient flesh the same shade as rotted corpses, rounding over their seemingly pregnant stomachs. And the untamed length of their claws over their unnaturally large hands and feet, fanged back as they hunched over, preparing to charge ahead. Such perversions. How they screamed like banshees…

I knew what Shepard saw in these monstrosities:

What would become of Samara if she failed.

What would become of Aria if she failed.

What would happen to me if she failed…

Multiple banshees in the courtyard converged on us. Their forms stuttered in place before they charged ahead—unflinching, unpredictable. They vanished and reappeared again in a different place. Shepard could not focus on any of them to pick up her Black Widow and shoot. They countered her strengths.

Samara rushed ahead, urging me, "Liara, take care of the commander! I will draw these creatures off!"

With Samara holding her own against the horde out there, I quickly turned my attention to Shepard.

I rushed to her side, embracing Shepard's momentum as she kept backing away. She let me hold her in place. She stayed with me, even as every bone in her body needed to flee this place. She listened to me:

"I'm right here. It's all right. I understand."

Fighting back her shame, she buried her face next to mine. Somewhere behind me, Samara's biotics burst through the courtyard as pyrotechnics, protecting us. She did hold her own against the banshees, but she could not keep this up forever. We needed to support her soon. We needed an exit plan.

I stroked Shepard's hair pulled back into her long, taut tail down her back. I clamped my grip around her tighter and tighter. Anything to physically remind her that I was here. I hadn't turned into those things.

"You have to be brave now, Shepard. We need you! I need you to protect me from that happening…"

Steadily, Shepard managed to stir back to her logic. But as she did, I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Rotten with guilt. I blamed myself. I blamed myself again and again for the way Shepard felt, her fears, so illogical and uncontrollable. I blamed myself for her extreme reaction. If I hadn't pulled Shepard so close to me in my sickening attachments, maybe she would've been fine now. She would've been able to stay aloof and in control.

When Shepard widened her eyes at the sight behind me, I snapped back around.

One of the banshees broke through Samara's flank.

Teleporting all around, still so unpredictable, the Reaper took full advantage of Samara fighting on all fronts. It appeared right next to her. Lining up with Samara's front, the banshee seemed to magnetize itself to her. Biotic assault interrupted, Samara couldn't fight back from the shock. The shock of that monster picking her up with one of its gigantic, clawed hands. Samara squirmed and struggled in the banshee's hold, indignant over being held hostage like this. Mocking and murderous, the creature stared Samara down, right in her face. It found such a sadistic glee in Samara's struggling, her powerlessness. Its other hand, the banshee used to grab at Samara's head. As if it meant to stab her with its claws!

I charged my biotics, knowing it was too late—"Samara!"

Shepard snatched up her Black Widow and fired three shots.

Quickscoping.

One after another.

Three loud, precise bangs—her first shot cut through the banshee immobilizing Samara. The creature dissolved and crumbled as biotically-charged ashes over the ground. Her other two shots, she fired at the other banshees nearest Samara's location. She destroyed them as she'd destroyed the first. Still such perfect accuracy. She never missed a shot. Not even while blinded by her emotions like this. But as she reloaded her Black Widow, she breathed with such a terrifying labor. Shepard couldn't stay here.

She could not. Not with several more banshees teleporting our way, prepared to surround us. A constant barrage of screaming and wailing, piercing our ears.

Samara hurried back to us.

"Liara, is Shepard able to carry on?"

"No… If we keep going into the monastery, I'm afraid Shepard won't make it."

All Shepard could do was stare straight ahead. She couldn't dispute my diagnosis. She couldn't think.

Samara paused, knowing that her daughters were still inside the monastery. But with the sheer number of banshees, it was likely Rila and Falere had already turned… Was it really worth the risk to keep going, just to set off the bomb? Samara looked to Shepard for our answers. She made her choice. We both made the choice for her, seeing as our captain could not. I grabbed Shepard's hand, running away with her and with Samara both. We bolted back up the stairs. We followed our darkened path back through the monastery from whence we came. We ran and ran and ran for our lives—we ran for Shepard's life.

Those banshees kept teleporting after us. Chasing us through the dark. Relentlessly. Pushing my legs as hard and fast as they could go, I couldn't breathe. I knew Shepard only kept up because she needed to stay with me. She still couldn't think her way out of her fears… We had no time to spare!

I called via radio: "Cortez, are you there?! We need an immediate extraction! This is an emergency!"

"Understood, Liara! Heading back to where I dropped you off! I'll be there ASAP!"

As soon as we reached the exit, we found Cortez waiting for us with the shuttle. Samara and I helped Shepard get aboard. Cortez raced us back to the Normandy, getting us away from the danger we'd just fled. The infestation of banshees poured from the monastery, unable to follow us through the skies. Their screams chased after us instead. Their deafening wailing echoed well across the mountains, tailing after the speed of our shuttle. Etching this dark memory in our minds of what we'd narrowly escaped.

---

Once we returned to the ship, Shepard left the shuttle without a word. She went to the elevator, but did not press the button just yet. She simply stood there in silence, hanging her head. Ashamed of herself.

Samara and I went over to her. We tried to act natural, if only to shield Shepard from Cortez's curious stare. He didn't know what happened. We hadn't explained anything to him. Cortez merely assumed we had gotten overwhelmed by banshees, forcing us to retreat. That would likely be the story he explained to anyone who asked. As for the truth, I wasn't sure if we could explain this to anyone. What if we only made the problem worse by spreading the news around? Shepard would not want the crew to hear about this. She could never look them in the eye again. Her pride had already decided this for her.

Wordlessly we agreed to return to our rooms. I wanted to join Shepard back in the captain's quarters. She stayed close to me during the elevator ride, giving her quiet permission for us to stay together.

I asked Samara, "Are you certain about this? Leaving your daughters behind?"

She sounded more than certain. "I fear we should have never set foot in that monastery in the first place. We have walked directly into the Reapers' trap. I feel I am to blame for getting us into this."

"There was no way we could've known."

"Perhaps not. Though I grieve for my daughters, I also grieve for what could have happened—had we not made such a swift retreat."

Before Samara departed for the crew deck, she set her hand over Shepard's shoulder. So full of guilt. Then she left to her room down the hall.

Back in the captain's quarters, Shepard tried to absorb the peace of our surroundings. Her preferred atmosphere meant to modulate her moods. She went to the couch, sitting there in a deep frustration. She did not even change out of her N7 armor. Breathing in and out, she did her best to calm herself.

I went over to her, dragging myself along through these trenches of guilt. So entrenched already. More entrenched as I knelt before her, placing my head over Shepard's armored lap. Showing this deference to her seemed to be all I could do. At any other time, I would've felt such a release from this gesture. From being so vulnerable with her. From the way Shepard settled her hand over my head, even now.

The softness of her touch told me again and again how she felt:

Shepard didn't blame me for this.

Yet I blamed myself.

I blamed myself again and again through the silence of this room. Our peace disturbed by these events.

Eventually I managed to ask, "Are you all right, Shepard?"

Stroking down to my neck now, my shoulder, she reassured me, "I just need some time, Liara…"

I fought back a pleasurable shiver from her touch. How her gloved hand brushed over the pliable shine of my lab coat. Colorless from her and colorless from me. Only absorbing the shine of the blacklight around us. And from her presence, her sight as this forever-light shining down on me. So comforting.

Holding her closer, holding her tighter, this all felt futile.

I shut my eyes, blackening my sight against her body. Armored as the emotionless, unfeeling machine she wished she was.

"We've been happy together," I whispered over her legs. "I'm the one deeply entrenched in your mind. And now this happens. All the dreams we've had of loving each other like this, weaponized in such cruelty…" I gripped her harder, feeling as if she would slip away from me if I didn't. What if she wanted to? What if she wanted to disappear over this? "Shepard, please don't pull away from me. Please don't… I'm selfish. I'm selfish and I need you to stay with me! Even though this is—what caused these issues. I don't know what else to do. I couldn't go on if something happened to you, and yet I can't let you go…"

Shepard's breathing slowed. Slowing down time in this moment.

I gazed up at her in need. Still begging with my eyes—selfish, selfish, selfish.

Shepard gave me a tortured smile, so adoring. "Liara, even if I wanted to pull away from you…I can't."

"You—you can't…?"

"That's the magic of it. I never let anyone get to me like this before. I'd have strong feelings. Strong attachments. But I always…kept some part of me sealed off. A piece of myself no one else could reach. Until I met you. You opened me up, breaking every single one of my rules. You dug deep and found everything I'd hidden away. A sealed up secret wish. Tender memories…no one can ever know. It took a lot of time…but now we're here. You have me. You are mine. I am yours. I can't walk away from you."

Well beyond my will, I felt these same sentiments echoing from Shepard's heart.

"I can't live without you."

"I can't survive without you."

"I love you in a place—where there's no space or time. I love you infinitely."

Too many lumps had lodged in my throat, sticking there. I couldn't say anything back to her. I couldn't, even though I felt the same way. We had this parity between us, this perfect balance and equilibrium.

Absolute harmony in our hearts—disrupted by our reality now.

Shepard leaned down to me, looking deeply into my eyes. She thumbed away these emotions streaming down my face. I saw no blame there in her eyes, yet I spotted the fractures. How the very color of her sight had cracked and decayed. A fragmented sun shone on through her stare. Because of me.

But she didn't see it that way.

"I made a promise to you, babe. I gave you that promise on your birthday. And no matter what, I intend to keep it. I've made so many promises in my life. Promises to other people I couldn't keep. Promises to you I couldn't keep before. Feeling like a tyrant in the end because I couldn't keep them, beyond my control… What did you say Lucifer called me on Palaven? Tyrannous sun? I don't want that anymore. I could never live with myself…if I ever hurt you like that again. I need this to last. I need us to last."

I believed her.

I believed everything she said.

I believed her so much, I couldn't hold my feelings inside.

Until EDI announced: "Shepard, Liara. The asari councilor is requesting to speak with you. She says it is gravely urgent. Due to recent reports of enemy activity near Thessia, I can speculate why she is calling. The Reapers…are currently on-course for the asari homeworld. Asmodeus is leading the invasion."

My heart sank to the bottom of this solar system.

Shepard sounded…so at ease. Trembling: "Huh…so this is what the Reapers were waiting for."

No…

No, no, no—

Not like this…

Not like this!

EDI's unapprised concern: "Commander…? Are you—are you all right?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine, EDI. Patch the asari councilor through. Liara and I will talk to her now."

"Very well. Councilor Tevos will be waiting for you at the QEC. Should we set a course for Thessia?"

"Yes. Let's get a head-start. Tell the rest of the team to gear up. We're bringing everyone for this."

"Understood."

Shepard stood up in her power and perseverance. She eased me up with her. She pulled me to my feet. Then she held me, swaying us from side to side. Protecting me from my emotions bubbling up. Protecting me one more time before we needed to leave downstairs. How she spoiled me, so divine.

She murmured over the crests of my head: "I made a promise to her, too. The asari councilor. I promised we would drop everything to help Thessia right away. I don't want anything to happen to Armali. It's your home, babe. I need to keep my word on this. This is the one thing I have control over right now."

I couldn't help clinging to her. "Shepard…"

If it meant losing my home or losing Shepard, I would choose to protect her every time.

Oh captain, my captain.

Right now, Shepard didn't seem to need my protection. She brought me with her back to the elevator.

Again we would go downstairs. Again we would prepare ourselves for this mission we were nowhere near prepared for. Or at least I wasn't. I felt myself reconsidering what I had just thought seconds ago. About Shepard needing my protection. Did she? Did she not? Did she need me? Could she say anything? Because Shepard held my hand, and I somehow felt her disappearing. Something of her presence faded out. Hollowed out. Even as she kept this look of pure determination on her face. I couldn't stop any of this. I couldn't grab her and pull her back to me, making this all end. Pressing the pause button. Giving her the time she needed, as she'd said moments ago. Spiraling and spiraling, I knew I needed to trust her. Spiraling downward as this elevator brought us down to the command deck, down to the CIC, down to the most common area of the Normandy where we had to save face. Where we had to be leaders—Shepard as the captain, with me as her second-in-command and executive officer. Her most trusted second on this ship and across the galaxy. She trusted me, and yet I watched her perform and perform and perform to this constant madness. A constant need to be on and alert for everyone else even when she needed to stop; when she needed to take a moment. We'd only had these months of rest in folly and in illusion. I couldn't stop this. I couldn't stop any of this! I couldn't stop it! I couldn't stop any of it!