Kylo

My head splintered as consciousness crashed into me, and I groaned, turning over to avoid the intrusive morning sunlight. Something warm weighed me down, stopping me, and my eyes popped open, alarm shooting up my spine.

Rey was soundly asleep, her head on my chest, her arm wrapped around my waist, her bare legs tangled with mine, and my hand was resting on her hip.

Oh holy fuck.

I desperately tried to piece last night together, but, to my horror, I couldn't remember anything after downing what was left in the decanter bottle. Brief images flashed in my mind, of seeing her in the hallway, of sitting on my bed, of standing next to her in front of the dresser, and finally, pulling her into my arms before falling into the most peaceful sleep I'd had in months. Everything else was just a blur.

I reached up and gently moved her hair away from her face to get a better view. Her eyes weren't puffy, or rimmed in red, and her cheeks didn't appear to be tear stained, so at least she hadn't been crying. She stirred when my thumb caressed her cheek, and I tensed, bracing myself for her reaction. But, she inhaled deep, and smiled before opening her eyes to look up at me.

My chest cracked open, my battered and bruised heart swelling almost to the point of pain. Waking up next to her, with her in my arms, wasn't something I thought I'd ever have the privilege of again. But there she was, her golden-hazel eyes alight with the morning sun, and her hair mussed from sleep.

I'd never felt more thankful, or more unworthy.

She moved to get up. "I'll be right back."

I nodded, and watched her walk into the bathroom, recognizing my tshirt that completely swallowed her. She closed the door, and I looked at my hands, balling them into fists when I saw that they were already starting to shake, the first sign of withdrawal. I blinked, trying to remember any details from my blackout.

The door opened, and I looked up to see Rey offering me a glass of water. I pushed myself upright to take it, the blankets falling around my waist. "Thank you."

She stopped, and her face drained of color, her eyes going wide as she stared at me.

My eyebrows pulled together, cold dread sending a chill through me."Rey?"

"What is that?" She breathed.

I followed her gaze, and looked down at my bare chest, at the round, purple scar that had been carved there. I sighed, closing my eyes. This was the first time she'd seen me without a shirt since she got back, and I'd never told her, never even mentioned it.

"It looks like a blaster bolt." She said, and I got out of bed, went to my dresser and pulled on the first shirt I grabbed. "Is that what it is?" She asked.

"Yeah." I answered, not wanting to lie to her, but sure as fuck not wanting to talk about it either.

"From how long ago?"

I looked over my shoulder at her to see that her eyes were lined with tears, and my stomach dropped. "It's not important." I tried to tell her.

"How long ago?" She repeated, louder.

I swallowed. I didn't want to do this. "Two-" I blew out a breath. "Two months."

"Two months?" She was nearly hyperventilating as she crossed the space between us, her hands grabbing the tail of my shirt and snatching it up to look. I didn't stop her, and I didnt move away when her fingers brushed across it. Tears streaked down both sides of her face when she lifted her eyes to mine. "Did you - what happ - who d-" Her shaking voice was high pitched, telling me she was a moment away from hysterical sobbing.

"It doesn't matter." I insisted. "I'm alright." I took one of her hands in mine and laid it over my heart. "See? Still beating."

She looked at our hands, then backed up at me, and the Bond flew open. My mental shields completely yielded to her, and before I could think of stopping her, or even process what was happening, my memories played for her.

The ambush, the red glow of the blaster being fired, once, twice, and then the third time. The coppery taste of blood in my mouth as I lay there, waiting to die. Seeing her as I bled out, and being relieved that the pain of having to live without her would stop, but then being disappointed when I woke up in the hospital.

'That fucking bolt had failed me.' My own thoughts echoed back at me.

She pulled away with a sharp gasp and covered her mouth with both of her hands, horror etched into her wide eyes as she stared at me.

"I'm sorry." I offered because I didn't know what else to say.

She shook her head, wiping her face with her hands. "You told me how bad it was, but I didn't know that you…" She swallowed, her bottom lip trembling. "I didn't know I came so close to losing you. Or that you wanted-" Her voice caught as fresh tears streaked down.

Those dark moments where I wanted that bolt to end me were just another thing that I would've preferred her not to know. And, it was definitely not something I could talk about. Not now, maybe not ever. The memory of having to live without her was torturous, and it was fear of having to exist like that again that had driven me to her door last night. I may have not been able to remember the specifics, but of that, I was sure.

"It's over." I said, reminding us both.

She sniffled, and nodded, mercifully dropping it.

I sighed. "And here I was relieved that I hadn't made you cry."

She huffed out a laugh. "That's not hard to do, these days. I cried yesterday while watching the Weather Channel."

I raised an eyebrow. "The Weather Channel?"

She nodded, rolling her eyes.

I leaned against the dresser. "Well, the rainfall amount this year is depressing."

The sound of her soft laugh had my heart fluttering, and when she smiled at me, her dimples creasing her cheeks, I had to remind myself to breathe.

"Do you remember last night?" She asked, leaning closer.

"No." I admitted. "But, I have this overwhelming feeling that I should apologize."

"You don't need to." She reached up, and ran her fingers through my hair. I stilled, afraid to move, to breathe, to blink. It was the first intimate act that she'd initiated since getting back, and the first intimate touch I'd had since the morning she left.

She sensed my hesitation and her fingers halted in my hair. "Do you want me to stop?"

I shook my head. "I'd beg you not to."

Her eyes narrowed. "Then, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I told her. "I'm just…" I sighed, deciding to be honest. "Afraid to get too close to you."

Her brow furrowed.

"I'm afraid that I'll make you uncomfortable or do too much, too soon, or do something to trigger you." I explained.

She hummed her understanding, resuming her strokes along the side of my head. "Because you're giving me the space that I need, you said that last night."

I said nothing, savoring the feel of her gentle touch.

"But, you also said that you still want me." She cupped the back of my head, her eyes locking with mine. "Is that true?"

"Yes." I answered, without a breath of hesitation.

Her face clouded, her eyes lowering in shame. "You said that you know what…happened."

"I do." I confirmed, and though I tried to keep my voice gentle, it was a brittle growl of rage. I saw it in her nightmares, her flashbacks, her intrusive thoughts that she unknowingly sent down the Bond.

She looked back up at me. "You never said anything."

I shrugged. "I figured you'd talk to me when you were ready."

She frowned. "I may never be ready."

"And, that's fine."

"I don't mean to just talk." She said, her tone rising toward hysterics again. "I may never be ready to be intimate. And, what if I can't? I can't expect you to stay with a wife who won't make love to you."

I brought a hand up and cupped her cheek. "Rey, stop."

She did, sucking on her bottom lip, her eyes going red and glassy.

I stroked her brow with my thumb. "Do you remember that first breakfast we had, just a few days after we were married the first time?"

She nodded.

"You asked me then what would happen if you never wanted to be intimate, if you never wanted to make love and my answer hasn't changed." A tear spilled over onto her cheek and I wiped it away. "If we never make love again, it won't change anything. You're still my wife. You're still my Queen. You're still the woman I love."

A sob broke out of her and she pulled away to cover her face with her hands.

I put my knuckles under her chin and gently turned her head so that she was looking at me. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation here, could you not think about the Weather Channel?"

She laughed, then sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. Her face sombered. "I want to be close to you."

I nodded. "Alright."

"And, I want you to touch me."

I gave her a look. "You know I need you to be more specific than that."

A delicate blush flooded her cheeks. "I know, but I'm not sure what touches would be ok, and what would be too much."

"Can I hold your hand?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can I hug you?"

"Yes."

"Can I touch your back?"

Her face fell, her breath stopping for a moment before she blinked, and looked up at me. "Back and shoulders, yes. But, you can't go near my neck."

Because of the collar he'd had on her. I nodded again, fighting to keep my face calm. "Alright." My eyes lowered, then came back up to hers. "Can I touch your stomach?"

She paled, her eyes widening. The Bond trembled between us as anxiety gripped her.

"It's ok." I told her, remembering that her ultrasound had almost sent her into a panic attack. "Forget I asked."

"Yes." She breathed, and I blinked, confusion creasing my brow.

"The whole reason I fought so hard to get back to you was so that you could know about her." She explained, stepping away from me enough to grab the tail of the enormous shirt she was wearing. "And, I've been wanting you to, but I haven't let you because I wanted you to…you know, be you."

Guilt knotted in my gut.

She pulled the fabric up, stopping just under her bust, revealing the smooth, pale skin of her abdomen, obviously swollen with life, with our love.

My chest ached, my throat thick with a burning lump as water stung my eyes. I lifted them to Rey, but was too overwhelmed to move.

"It's alright." She assured me.

But, I was frozen, too scared, too stupid, too…something.

She grabbed my wrist, and laid my hand flat on her belly, the contact searing into my soul, permanently marking me as changed.

The Bond opened, as if it already recognized her, that tiny flutter instantly rearranging my existence. My beliefs, my obligations, my burdens, all other commitments I'd ever made, they were ash now, and that phantom string that I felt earlier was now an anchor, binding everything I was, everything I could be, to her.

I looked up at Rey through the mist in my eyes, and found her smiling widely.

"I know!" She whispered.

No wonder she'd been so fiercely protective of her. No wonder she wanted her as soon as she learned that she was there. This baby wasn't just a product of our love, she was a gift from the Force itself.

"She's moving around alot." Rey said. "Can you feel it?"

I numbly shook my head, and she repositioned my hand lower, under her navel, where I felt a sharp jab on my palm.

I gasped, and Rey's giddy laughter echoed around the bedroom.

I looked up at her, wanting so badly to pull her to me, to hold her, and she smiled.

"Hugging is ok." She reminded me. So, I did, burying my face in her hair, breathing in the smell of jasmine and vanilla and Rey.

"I love you." I murmured, and kissed the crown of her hair.

She tilted her head to the side, peering up at me. "What changed?"

I laughed once, soothing her hair back into place. "Everything has changed."

"No, not that." She said, "Why can you tell me you love me?"

My smile faded.

"I don't mind." She amended. "I know you love me, no matter how you say it, but why could you not say it before, but you can now?"

"I didn't say it outloud because of a promise I made to my mother when I was seventeen." I told her. "She saw you, that I would have you, that I would love you, but made me promise to never admit it because if Snoke found out I loved you, he'd use you the way he used her." My throat burned. "Hurt you the way that he hurt her."

Understanding shone on her face, in her eyes. "And, why do you say it, now?"

"I wasted so many opportunities to tell you that I loved you. Then you were taken, and I hadn't said it and that honestly ate at me. Which is why I said it when Vic found you, because I should have said it to you everyday, and I hadn't. I didn't want that to be another missed opportunity."

She gave me a half smile. "Sorry about knocking you on your ass."

I kissed her temple. "It was worth it."

An alarm beeped and she pulled away, going to a tiny digital clock on the nightstand, and hitting a button on its top.

She picked up a bottle of pills, and fished one out, then took it with the water I still hadn't drank. "My nausea medication." She explained. "So, I need to eat soon."

I gave her a small nod. "You should get dressed and head downstairs."

She put her hand in the small of her back, and walked to the closet where a rainbow of gowns hung next to my black suits. She considered for a moment, then reached for a sparkling light blue dress.

"Don't-" I blurted, and caught myself. She stopped, snatching her hand back as if she'd been electrocuted, and gave me a worried, confused look. The fabric of that dress matched the one she'd been wearing when she was taken almost exactly, matched the blood smeared piece of it that I'd found on Hux's floor. I cleared my throat, feeling anxiety and humiliation coil in my gut. "Could you wear a different one?"

Her face softened, and she grabbed the purple one off the rack.

I let out a breath. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She said, laying the dress on the bed. "Weird things do that to me now, too."

And, I hadn't been around enough to know what.

"Are you coming downstairs?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No-" I sighed. "Today is…not going to be a good day." The next few days weren't going to be good days, what with the shaking and the sweating and the puking. "You should go train with Ushar, or Vic, or both. Maybe go get into some shenanigans with Beau."

Her brow crinkled. "Why?"

I paused for a moment before I said, "This isn't something I want you to see."

"Well, tough." She snapped, and my eyebrows rose. "I'm not going to let you do this on your own."

"You don't realize how bad it's gonna be." I tried to reason.

"Oh, if only we lived with six other men who would drop everything if I called them." She gave me a pointed look. "Oh, hold on, wait."

I knew better than to argue when she'd already made her mind up, which she obviously had, so I sighed in defeat.

"Besides." She added. "A little throw up never hurt anyone, right?"

I smiled, remembering when I'd said those exact words to her after her attempt to drink scotch. I looked at her, at the beautiful woman that I deserved less now than I did when she was bought for me and nodded. "Right."