CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

9x16 Gabby

Emily pulled the blanket up over herself and stared across the dark room with fierce intensity. The alarm clock read 3:03am but she'd been up for hours. She was sitting on the sofa chair across the room from her bed. JJ was finally sleeping. Emily was watching her. In the darkness of their room, she couldn't make out all of her features - but she could tell that her eyes were closed. And her breathing was slow and steady, so she must have finally been able to fall asleep.

It had been nearly two weeks and this was the first night she hadn't woken up, breathing hard, in a cold sweat. Emily hoped her peace would last until morning. The same couldn't be said for Emily. She was trying to walk the line between dealing with her own grief and not adding onto JJ's. It wasn't easy. She was grieving for their child. And it was consuming her.

JJ had taken the bandages off her wrists a couple days ago. The skin there had been red and raw from the handcuffs. They hadn't completely healed but they looked much better. And even though she never complained, Emily knew the burns on her stomach still hurt her. Whenever she would turn a certain way, or reach for something, she winced slightly. They were going to leave scars. But for the most part, JJ was recovering well. Physically.

Psychologically she was struggling. She'd never admit it though. She was able to mask it at work but she couldn't hide it from Emily. There were the less obvious signs - like JJ's red eyes when she got out of the shower. Emily knew she cried every time she took one. Or how she stiffened up during their most recent case involving an abducted child taken from her parents.

But there were more obvious signs too. Mainly that JJ hadn't physically touched her since the day of the abduction. At first, Emily thought it was temporary. She thought it was what she needed - a little bit of space. But it had been nearly two weeks. Every time Emily tried to reach out, JJ wasn't receptive. She slept with her back to Emily. She went out of her way to avoid situations where they might accidentally brush up against each other. And on the few rare occasions Emily reached out to touch her, she felt JJ tense up.

Emily was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard JJ shift roughly under the covers. Her eyes focused back in. JJ was trembling slightly - muttering something under her breath. Emily felt her heart break for her wife. She wasted no time standing up and making her way over to their bed. She didn't want JJ to relive any more of her trauma than she had to. Emily placed a gentle hand on her wife's shoulder and shook her. Emily could see the stress on her face - her brow was furrowed. She looked scared.

JJ woke with a start, eyes wide with panic. She was in that place again. With him. Even though he'd been dead for 13 days, he still visited her every single night. Her heart was racing, a clammy sweat coated her forehead. Once she realized where she was, her eyes focused on Emily's. She swallowed thickly and looked into the eyes of her wife. Emily didn't say anything. JJ looked away and sat up with a heavy sigh.

"What time is it?"

"Just past 3:00…"

Emily sat gazing at JJ awkwardly. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to pull her into her arms and hold her - but she didn't want to be pushed away again. Emily's gaze felt heavy on JJ's conscience. She felt like she was letting her down in some way. Emily smiled joylessly and was about to stand up when JJ spoke -

"What do you want from me, Emily?" She didn't say it with even an ounce of anger. It sounded more like a concession. Still, the question took Emily completely off guard. "Because I'll play the part. I'll say the lines and I'll do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing to make everyone feel more comfortable."

"No one is asking anything of you."

"Yes, they are." JJ hung her head and ran a hand through her hair. "You are," JJ added quietly.

"I'm not -"

"Yes, you are." She didn't say it angrily. It wasn't an accusation. "And I'm not mad at you. I just don't know how to grieve the way you want me to."

"Are you? …Grieving?" JJ didn't respond. Emily let out a breath. "It's not that," she stated calmly.

JJ furrowed her brow at her tone of voice. It sounded… aware. It was as if Emily knew something that JJ didn't. Like Emily knew something she wished she didn't. JJ peered at her expectantly. Emily took in a deep breath. She didn't know how to say what she wanted to say.

"It goes away…" She finally said.

"What?"

"That feeling… that you have right now. That feeling - like you're invincible. That control. That clarity. It goes away, Jay."

JJ stared into the haunted eyes of her wife and she knew she was speaking from personal experience. In JJ's gut she knew that everything Emily was saying was right. She didn't want to admit it - but she could already feel it going away. She could feel the invincibility fading. She could feel the clarity becoming cloudy. But it scared her too much to admit it.

She figured the last time Emily had felt this way she was alone. If she had to guess, it was probably after her face off with Ian Doyle. When she was in Paris - 4,000 miles away from her team. JJ felt a new appreciation for Emily's strength. She turned to stare forward. JJ felt like she couldn't meet Emily's eyes.

"And I'll be here when it does," she added, softly. JJ felt Emily's hand on her shoulder and she jumped involuntarily. Emily pulled her hand away quickly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -"

"Don't apologize," JJ whispered. JJ was angry. Not at Emily - she was angry with herself. Frustrated with herself for - for what? Being traumatized? She just wanted to be able to hold her wife. She wanted to not flinch every time the love of her life touched her. JJ closed her eyes, painfully. Emily was right.

It was going away.