With a heavy sigh, Aeyrin gathered her things and headed back towards the attic rooms.
The bathing facilities at the meadery weren't really ideal. She was pretty sure that it was just an emptied out storage room with a small tub and lavatory. There was definitely no fireplace to dry one's clothes by.
She should consider getting some spare clothes already, but every bit of space in her pack was precious whenever she was crawling through some ancient ruin, filling it to the brim with loot. Not that that has been happening lately, but still. Before now, she never really had to concern herself about the clothing anyway. She would let it dry out most days through the night when she was resting.
She didn't need to wear anything for sleeping when she was travelling with Bishop anyway. And since she had left, she mostly snuggled into his old shirt at night. She wasn't sure if it was out of sentimentality or because of some lingering feelings, but she refused to ponder on it in any case.
She was sick of overthinking everything.
Like now.
There was definitely something wrong with her – no one sane would get this anxious about what they were wearing to bed.
The prospect of sharing a bed with Raven was making her a bit uncomfortable, but it was better than sleeping outside in the cold again.
And who knew? Maybe she would actually get some sleep when she wouldn't be alone. Maybe she got too used to sharing someone's closeness. She knew that she needed to get over herself and just get accustomed to being alone again, just like she did before, but that was easier said than done.
She was so tired.
If she could get some proper rest just for one night, surely everything would be easier.
Wouldn't it?
Everything's just been so strange lately. She felt like she was always thinking, always worrying, but she was never sure about what. She adamantly tried to ignore any lingering thoughts and memories, but it only resulted in a strange confusing mess in her head. The thoughts were still there. At the back of her mind, plaguing her constantly. But she never acknowledged them. Never gave them a spare second.
It felt like she wasn't ready to deal with any of it.
Someday she would be. She was sure of it. But right now, she couldn't even imagine it.
She marched up the steps and entered the attic room again.
Karliah was already in the adjacent alcove. The door was closed and not a sound escaped from in between the cracks of the wooden walls. Perhaps she was already asleep.
Raven was still sitting by the table, trying to clean it up. It was littered with papers, although that mess was likely not a result of diligent work. Aeyrin was pretty sure that she wasn't the only one shuffling the papers around mindlessly and pretending to be busy for the most of the time. Everything about this day has been so uncomfortable. For everyone.
The only time she actually felt somewhat at ease was when she was alone with Raven. And when she was alone with Bishop, for that matter. At least Karliah tried to act normal. But those two men together were apparently the recipe for tension and drama.
Raven shot her a small smile when she appeared at the door. He let out a sigh a second later, looking over the table, before he shook his head and rose up from his chair. Apparently, organizing things back to fit Karliah's meticulous system was too exhausting for him.
He stepped towards one of the cupboards by the bed, rummaging in a drawer while she made her way towards a crate of mead and grabbed another bottle for herself. Maybe that would help with the sleep a bit too.
Raven grabbed some clothes from the drawer and left her alone again as he headed to the bathing room himself.
She was kind of getting used to his presence. She always used to have some trouble interacting with him, whenever she was reminded of his predicament. But eventually, the silences started to turn from uncomfortable to easy and understanding. She barely even remembered that he couldn't talk at times. The notes and small gestures were starting to feel so… normal.
She only wished that he had shown her the same courtesy. She was certain that he was much more at ease when she paid no mind to what had happened to him. She hoped that because of that, he would understand. But instead, at times, he kept treating her like some wounded animal in his care.
Gods, did he really want to take her away and hide her from Thorn? What was he thinking? How would that even work? Bishop said that they needed her to even find Thorn's lair. And mainly, she would never let them risk their lives like that for her sake. Granted, it was part of their overall plan, but she was sure they went after Thorn so soon only for her benefit. Maybe they would have been more ready if it weren't for her. Maybe they wouldn't have lost in the Rift then, and maybe there would be time and opportunity to actually clue her in. Then she wouldn't have to go through what she went through…
Stop! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Nothing good came from thinking about this.
Not now anyway. She needed more time. She wasn't ready to deal with any of this.
She quickly rummaged in her pack to locate the black shirt. She had an opportunity to finally change from the clothes that she'd been wearing all day. And she could actually disappear into the bedding before Raven saw what she was wearing. It was pretty obvious that the shirt didn't originally belong to her, after all. And she was in no mood for the inevitable concerned glances.
Raven was all too eager to meddle into her feelings about Bishop. It was like he was trying to convince her to hate him. It was making her so uncomfortable. She was barely able to ponder on her own feelings about Bishop right now, she didn't need her head filled with Raven's ideas on that matter on top of that.
She should really make some new friends. Some that didn't know her before. Some that wouldn't constantly ask how she was doing or feeling, some that wouldn't always push her to think about things that she didn't want to think about.
It was a good idea. And another thing to deal with.
Eventually…
She threw her clothes into her pack when she was done and quickly slipped under the fur blankets on the large double bed, snuggling herself up to her chin.
Gods, the bed was so warm.
It felt like forever since she's been in a proper bed.
It didn't take long for Raven to reappear in the room. He gave her another gentle smile before he put the clothes that he was carrying away and joined her in the bed.
He lay a comfortable distance away and reached out towards the night stand on the side. He pulled out a small journal and a piece of sharpened charcoal which was embedded into a metal ring to keep his hands clean. That was pretty ingenious. He had obviously adapted well to his limitations.
He didn't even sit up in the bed. He merely turned to her and started to scribble something down into the little book.
.
I'm sorry about today. I didn't know he would show up this soon.
.
"It's alright, Raven, really. We were bound to run into each other sooner or later," Aeyrin chuckled weakly. It wasn't as if she was angry about seeing Bishop. It was even… nice. When there wasn't unnecessary drama involved.
.
Still, I should have warned you. I get angry at him because he wouldn't warn you about stuff and then I do the same.
.
Aeyrin scowled at his response. How could he even compare such things? She wasn't sure if she was angrier that he had reminded her of Falkreath yet again, or that he would even suggest that seeing Bishop would in any way be comparable to the things that she was supposed to be warned about there.
"Raven…" she sighed with a bit of an admonishing tone. She really didn't want to get into this now. But one thing about Raven's worries still concerned her. Or maybe intrigued her? She wasn't sure anymore. But she'd been curious about this for a long time now. "You don't need to always try to protect me like that, Raven." Definitely not from Bishop. "Why… why do you?"
He'd been doing this ever since she remembered. He was protecting her from Mercer, trying to comfort her all the time, no matter his original façade. Bishop has insinuated that Raven carried some feelings for her. He even equated how Raven felt about her to the relationships that he had told her about – like the one between Raven and Jules. Was it the same thing? She got the feeling that what Bishop talked about when they had discussed Raven's previous relationships, they were more than a simple attraction. But she didn't really know anything.
.
Why wouldn't I? You know that I care about you.
.
Raven's answer tore her from her pondering.
"I… I know. I care about you too. But… at first… I didn't. Why did you? You didn't even know me and you…" she shook her head. What he must have gone through when Mercer found him out… she didn't even want to imagine it. It was enough to know just how sadistic Mercer's 'friends' were. The man himself was undoubtedly no different in his punishments. The tongue was bad enough, but she knew that he did much worse to Raven. Maybe nothing else permanent, but still. She had no illusions about how men like Mercer and Thorn treated people anymore.
And Raven suffered it just for caring for her. When he didn't even know her.
.
I have good instincts when it comes to people.
.
She smiled slightly. That was one way to put it.
"Yeah… I heard," she couldn't help but chuckle briefly, but the smile disappeared a second later. That still didn't tell her what she was curious about.
"Did you… did you really care about them? All of them? You risked yourself so much," she looked into his eyes deeply, as if they would give her the answer. Maybe it was just his way of rebelling against Mercer. Maybe it actually wasn't about the people that he was infatuated with. She wasn't sure why she cared so much to know the answer.
Instead of scribbling, Raven closed his eyes. He moved his hand to his chest, placing it to where his heart was and gave her a somber nod.
"Did… did they feel the same?" she asked carefully. She didn't. At least not at first… she cared about him now, but… perhaps not in the same way. It was definitely different than what she felt for Bishop. Like something was missing. Need? Lust? She never thought that those were important before. Maybe they weren't. Maybe she just got swept up in the passionate and consuming relationship.
Maybe something was wrong about that? Maybe that was their downfall.
Raven nodded with a genuine smile to answer the question. He looked at her for a while and the smile slowly faded. His eyes fell from her back to the notepad and he quickly scribbled something down.
.
Most of them did.
.
It was clear that he meant her. Maybe even someone else besides her. She wondered if it included Jules, but if he didn't reciprocate Raven's feelings, Bishop would probably not be as upset about it to still hold a grudge even now.
"I… know what happened with Jules, but… what about the others? What happened?" she again carefully broached the subject. Something in his expression told her that this was a touchy topic.
Once more, Raven didn't write anything. He didn't even meet her eyes. He stared into the blankets with a distant and mournful look on his face. After a time, he raised his hand to his neck and drew his index finger over it slowly.
"A-all of them?" she stuttered. Dead? Was all of it Mercer's doing?
The nod he gave her was so subtle that she hardly registered it. After a moment of silence, he took hold of the small book again and started to write.
.
I know what it's like to suddenly find yourself all alone when you least expect it.
.
He finally gazed back into her eyes and gave her a sympathetic look. He reached out to her and slowly ran his hand over her cheek.
It was… nice. Sweet. She thought that something was missing. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe this was what she needed. Someone to understand. Someone to know what she was going through.
Maybe that was enough.
Maybe it would help, maybe it would eventually ease her mind, help her deal with the memories.
Maybe after some time, it would feel… right.
She didn't want to feel alone anymore.
And he shouldn't either.
She leaned in boldly. His hand was still stroking over her cheek, but his brows shot up in surprise when she shifted and pressed her lips against his.
He didn't waste any time before responding, however.
His arms moved under the furs to envelop her in his embrace, dragging her over to him on the bed. He grazed his lips against hers, over and over, as his arms squeezed her firmly to him.
She was practically pinned against him in this position. Her hands were awkwardly pressed against his chest with not much room to maneuver. She nipped at his lower lip at least, which only seemed to spur Raven on.
He kissed her eagerly, pressing his lips against hers. His hands started to grapple around her back, grabbing the cloth of the black shirt she wore. He started to move it upwards along her body, exposing her up to her lower back. At the same time, his feet wrestled with the furs to get them out of the way.
He stopped the kiss for a second, only to glance down at her, now when the covering furs were gone.
She could have sworn that she noticed a frown on his face when he looked over the shirt he was gradually and almost subtly trying to take off of her.
Before she could ponder whether he figured out its origin, however, he kissed her again, nibbling at her lower lip.
She pressed her lips to him once, parting them. She was sure that this would help… she needed him. Someone like him. Someone kind and understanding. It was right. Her tongue moved to gently flick over his lips before she pressed it a little deeper.
Raven flinched.
Oh… right…
She almost forgot that he couldn't reciprocate that.
That must have been so uncomfortable for him. She didn't even consider it. She didn't even think about what happened to him. About his past and…
By the Gods! What in Oblivion was she doing?!
She just threw herself at Bishop's brother's former lover! How could she even think that it would ever feel 'right'?! It certainly didn't! She couldn't just force it because she thought that someone like him was what she needed.
Was it even? She knew that something was missing. She knew what this was supposed to feel like. Was she second-guessing herself only because of what happened to hers and Bishop's relationship? The end did not erase the beginning and the middle. No matter the outcome, what she felt for Bishop has always been real. It's always been right.
This wasn't.
She pulled back quickly, pushing herself away from the embrace.
Raven gave her an alarmed look and there was palpable concern etched on his face. He quickly grabbed the small notebook again, scribbling hastily.
.
I'm so sorry! I just got swept up. I should have realized you wouldn't want any of this after what happened to you.
.
She stared at the paper for a while before she realized what he meant by that.
Divines, why was he so insistent on reminding her? Why was he so insistent on constantly treating her like she was broken and barely put back together?
She couldn't have been more wrong.
This wasn't helping anything at all.
And now she was starting to feel angry.
She thought that he understood! She was pretty sure that he himself disliked being reminded of what happened to him. It certainly looked like it when he flinched from her advances!
Or was this some petty payback? She reminded him so he would remind her too?
No, stop thinking like that. Raven would never be this petty.
Not to her in any case.
The intent didn't matter though. All that mattered was that everything suddenly felt overwhelming.
She shouldn't have done that. She shouldn't have ever kissed him. She felt so guilty. But she also felt angry at his reaction.
She couldn't stay there.
Things only threatened to overwhelm her more and more the longer she stayed there near him.
The bed hardly felt comfortable now anyway.
She got up abruptly, putting the crumpled shirt back into place to cover herself. Raven still gave her that infuriatingly concerned look, but she was determined to swallow the angry outburst bubbling inside her.
"I'm… sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I… should go," she stammered before she grabbed her backpack hastily and began rummaging inside to locate her clothes.
Raven sighed, but he obligingly turned around on the bed so that she could change her clothes privately. He grabbed the notebook and the charcoal with him, writing down his thoughts, while she quickly dressed herself up and pulled on her boots.
Aeyrin cleared her throat uncomfortably when she was done and Raven sat up on the bed in an instant, showing her the book.
.
Aeyrin, I'm sorry. I should have realized. You don't have to leave. I can even sleep on the floor if it makes you more comfortable.
.
"Stop apologizing, please!" She shook her head briskly. He was only making things worse. "I… thanks. I think I should really go though. I'll be in touch," she sighed. He still didn't understand the issue. She wasn't sure if she even understood the issue, but that hardly mattered.
She knew what she felt. This felt… wrong.
It probably wasn't smart to repress all thoughts that popped into her head. Maybe then she would have been spared this moment if she only stopped to think for a second.
Raven gave her a regretful look, but eventually he nodded in understanding.
She just needed to get out of there.
…
It wasn't even past midnight yet.
She never should have gotten her hopes up at the prospect of warm room and an actual bed.
Now she needed to find a place to rest again.
She left the meadery, and the outskirts, walking across the Whiterun plains. She was getting so tired, although lately that seemed to be a permanent state. But still… wandering the plains was better than staying at the meadery right then.
Perhaps she could find a good cave nearby, although Whiterun Hold wasn't exactly teeming with shelter.
Before she could actually settle on a firm direction, however, a familiar excited bark caught her off guard.
Karnwyr!
She barely had time to turn in his direction before the wolf jumped her, tackling her to the ground. He barked again and refused to get off of her, licking at her face and nuzzling his fuzzy head into her neck.
She laughed heartily at his antics and ruffled his fur affectionately. Gods how she missed him!
She missed the both of them, actually.
She just wanted things to go back to normal again. But that was sadly impossible now, after everything that happened, everything she'd learned.
But right now, it just felt comforting to have Karnwyr near. He reminded her of happier times.
She felt a tinge of disappointment when he jumped off her at last, but he didn't leave her much time for a respite in any case.
The second she stood up, Karnwyr bit firmly into the leather of her boot, yanking and dragging her along with him. It reminded her of the last time they saw each other, when he tried to drag her back to the cabin in Falkreath.
She had no doubt that he was doing the same to her now – taking her to where Bishop was.
This time, for some reason, she didn't have it in her to resist.
She didn't even stop to think about it.
This entire day has been so strange.
…
Bishop's brows shot up in shock when he saw her approach.
He was camping at the hunter's rest on the northern side of the plains. It was somewhat ironic that he was in a place so sentimental. He was on the ground, leaning on the wooden wall of the cabin with the fire roaring in front of him. The smell of smoke and venison filled the air around.
He didn't get up when Aeyrin and Karnwyr stood in front of him. He only threw her a questioning look.
"I… uh… Karnwyr kind of… dragged me here," she gave Bishop an uncertain expression. Only now she was starting to realize how odd it was of her to just follow the wolf there. She rubbed the back of her neck nervously, awaiting his reaction.
Bishop looked from her to the wolf then back to her again. After a while of inscrutable silence, he sighed and started to stare into the fire instead.
"Hmm… I guess he misses you," he murmured.
"I miss him too," the words left her even before she realized.
Neither of them were certain if they were still talking about the wolf.
Bishop gave her a brief smile but it disappeared instantly. He stared into the fire for a while again, silent. It took a long and awkward while before he turned his eyes back up to her, narrowing them somewhat morosely.
"What's the matter? Was Raven's bed not good enough for you?" he scoffed mockingly, but there was a palpable edge to his words.
That was a much more complicated question that he probably realized.
"It was… uncomfortable," she sighed in response. She wasn't sure what else to say. She certainly wasn't going to admit what she did! She was not going to have that conversation with him.
Definitely not tonight.
She didn't want to fight. She didn't want to make things tense and uncomfortable. There was too much of that today already. Was it too much to ask to just share the fire with him and pretend like things were… normal? Just for the night.
Bishop did not seem impressed with her vague answer, but he didn't press further. He turned his gaze back to the fire again before he looked back up at her. After a while of silence he inclined his head, urging her to sit down.
She joined him somewhat eagerly on the ground, slumping her pack next to herself and sitting down opposite him with only the fireplace separating them.
"Is it… alright for you to be here? What if a patrol comes by?" she asked after a while. She would have never expected him to linger in Whiterun Hold, but then again, he left the meadery rather late. It would take too long for him to cross Hold borders, since he was heading north.
"It's fine. No sane criminal would hide in a place this conspicuous," Bishop scoffed a little at himself. "Patrols don't come here. It's off the road and there's only ever some hunters sleeping over. Not much reason to come for anyone else."
She smirked back at him a little. He had a point. She couldn't really imagine why any guard would want to go over to a hunter's rest in the middle of the night just to check on some hunter sleeping there.
After another while of silence, Bishop started to take off the two slabs of venison off the fire with an expectant look on his face. "You want some?"
It did smell good. It always did when Bishop was cooking, even in less than ideal conditions.
"Well… I already ate, but… since you made it," she gave him a wry smile and looked hungrily at the meat which he tossed into a pot of vegetables before he began cutting it up with his knife.
"Don't get your hopes up, princess. Not like I put much effort in it," Bishop shrugged. He got up from his spot a second later and walked inside the old cabin for a spell. He returned only in a moment with two small ceramic bowls and forks. He promptly took out a larger slab of meat from the pot and tossed it in Karnwyr's general direction. The wolf caught it instantly in his maw before he tore into it with vigor, holding the meat down on the ground with his paws. Bishop split the rest of the meal into the bowls and handed one to Aeyrin.
"Why didn't you?" she looked at him curiously as she took one of the forks from him.
"Why would I? Not like I cared enough. You liked it though," he grumbled morosely. She'd always been so cute whenever she liked the food he made. He kind of stopped caring about the seasonings and stuff like that after a few nights alone. All he could always think when he made something good was just how much she would love it. It made everything taste rather bitter.
Aeyrin flushed at that comment instantly. She knew that he only cared enough to get better at cooking on her urging, but she never thought that he was actually putting that acquired skill to use only for her.
It made her feel a bit guilty for some reason.
But it also made her stomach flutter with warmth.
"Don't say stuff like that," she murmured quietly as she fixed her eyes on the food with her face bright red.
Bishop couldn't help but smile slightly at that reaction. He loved seeing her flustered. But the words were not as heartwarming as the flushed cheeks.
"What do you want from me, sweetness?" he sighed with exasperation. "I don't know how to talk to you anymore."
She riled up from her flustered state instantly, looking at him in surprise. "What do you mean? Can't you just… talk to me like you always do?" she scowled at him. Why couldn't everyone just act like they did before any of this happened?!
"Yeah, right," Bishop scoffed. "You'd think, but it's like walking on quicksand now. One second things seem fine, then another you get mad over some shit I say, or someone else decides to meddle to make things even shittier."
She didn't answer for a while. It wasn't as if she didn't find conversations with him and regarding him harder to navigate too. Especially since she was still adamantly trying to avoid so many subjects. Still… couldn't they just try to act normal for now?
"Not much different from before to be honest," she gave him a weak smirk. "It doesn't have to be that weird does it?"
"You're the one who's weird! Fuck I don't even know… what do you want? Are you angry at me? Do you blame me for what happened? Can't you just yell at me or something? Or just tell me to fuck off?! This is… I don't know what this is!" Bishop burst out suddenly. Some of the confusion and desperation seemed to spill over regardless of his restraint. He wanted to wait. He wasn't ready for a complete and final rejection, but yet again, he couldn't help it.
She seemed taken aback by his outburst.
After a while, she averted her eyes again while letting out a deep sigh.
"I… I don't know. I am angry… sometimes… but other times I…" Other times I want nothing more than to be with you again. "I don't know," she bit her lip nervously and left the bowl with the food on the ground in order to dip her head to her open palms.
She was starting to get anxious again. She didn't want to deal with this. She didn't want to think about what happened!
"Alright," Bishop interrupted her in her despair. The sight of her like that made him feel guilty for asking. Besides, he already changed his mind about hearing the answer to that. The more he forced this, the more likely it was that she would reject him. "Just forget it. The food's getting cold."
She felt a tinge of relief wash over her when he dropped the subject and she instantly started to concentrate on her food. They started to eat in silence. She gave him a small smile after the first taste to signal that his food was still pretty damn good, even if he barely put any effort into the seasoning.
He returned the smile and, very slowly, the silence was turning more and more comfortable. The tension looming over them was finally gone when they both decided to ignore their issues for now. Denial seemed like the most secure place for the moment. It was oddly comforting.
"So… are you staying?" Bishop broke the silence after a while. She could have sworn that he had a hint of a hopeful look in his eyes.
It actually sounded… nice. It didn't have to mean anything. They didn't have to deal with anything for now. She could just… enjoy being close to him. Like she did before. Maybe that would make her sleep better. She always felt so comfortable next to him.
"If… if you don't mind," she looked at him nervously.
His smile was answer enough.
…
Bishop felt a bit uncertain when they decided to get some sleep after an evening spent on comfortable idle talk, avoiding anything that might trigger a fight or any other tense situation.
He wasn't really sure what she meant by 'staying'. He would have hoped that meant 'for indefinitely', but that was simply too good to be true. He had no illusions about that.
She likely meant only for the night. But what did that mean?
Would she share the bed with him? There was only one. They had their bedrolls, but still, who would pass up a bed?
He really missed sleeping next to her. Maybe even more than some other things, which he had assumed would be first and foremost on his mind. Oddly enough, he felt like he never got a proper sleep anymore without her snuggling up to him.
She didn't look exactly freshly rested either. Was she suffering through the same struggles as him? Although he still wasn't sure how she felt about being close to him. For multiple reasons.
Bishop yanked off his boots and shirt and hid them alongside his pack below the small trapdoor in the floor. He quickly got into the single bed and draped the fur blankets over himself. He was kind of hoping that was a signal enough to show her what he wanted.
She started to rummage in her own pack before she pulled out a familiar crumpled black shirt.
She still wears it.
Not just that… he noticed the carved silver ring still around her neck. There was a different chain now since the old one was destroyed, but the ring was preserved. He still wore the one she gave him too. He was lucky that nobody had bothered to take it from him in Falkreath. The amulet of Stendarr, for one, seemed to be lost for good. It was nowhere to be seen among the retrieved belongings. But at least that one was replaceable.
Aeyrin turned her back to him to change into the shirt before she stashed her things below the floor alongside his.
Neither of them said a word the entire time. Was it strange that it wasn't uncomfortable now?
Aeyrin gave him one more questioning look, as if she was pondering if she could really join him in the bed. She did not, however, wait for any kind of response before she crawled under the covers, snuggling to him closely.
He was so warm. She missed this so much.
Bishop pressed her to his body and rested his head gently on hers. He hadn't looked this comfortable all day. But to be fair, she knew exactly how he felt. This was just… soothing.
This evening could have turned so ugly. She was glad that he didn't insist on dealing with the past right then and there. She wouldn't be able to take it just then. This was exactly what she needed instead.
She leaned in, nuzzling his neck, before she planted a small gentle peck on the stubbly skin of his jaw.
"Thank you, for tonight," she whispered quietly.
She felt his lips press against the top of her head. Nothing else in the world felt so comforting to her.
She couldn't even remember the state and mood that she was in mere hours ago.
The bright green and purple northern lights flickering in the sky were peeking through the holes in the wooden roof. It reminded her of their first night in that cabin. Just like now, back then, so much was plaguing her mind, but in this place, in this moment, it all seemed distant.
Just then, in that minute, everything felt perfect.
Like nothing was missing.