Chapter V – Lonely Road

It was hard to believe that it was all almost a year ago.

It seemed so familiar now, as if they were there just yesterday – in that cabin, curled together on the small bed. But so much has happened since then. So much had gone… wrong.

Bishop brushed a stray strand of her long hair from her face in a familiar gesture.

He remembered everything about that night – the night when she found out who she was, after they killed their first dragon, when he took her to this cabin to ease her mind after that ordeal.

He remembered seeing the peaceful and content look on her face in the morning sun back then.

It was nowhere to be seen now.

She jerked and thrashed in his embrace, occasionally digging her nails into his bare chest in tension. It's been like that all night. She was always tossing and turning, whimpering softly every now and then in her sleep. She woke up several times, but Bishop was pretty sure that she didn't even register it. She always just fell right back asleep instantly in exhaustion.

He'd never seen her like that. She always slept like a log.

Once, she told him that it was because of him – because she was comfortable sleeping in his arms.

It was… painful to realize that this was no longer the case.

But it was his own damn fault.

If only he knew how to make things right again. But she wasn't even willing to talk about things. Fuck, the state she got in when he questioned her on their relationship… it was not a pleasant sight. It was not that he didn't know how much he had hurt her with his secrets, but still… seeing her like that hit him hard. As if he wasn't feeling guilty enough already.

But if she just… stayed, they could work through this. He was sure of it. They've been through so much together. They could get through this too.

He needed to believe that.

Everything could go back to the way it was again.

He missed that so much.

Bishop gently stroked her cheek before his hand brushed over her right ear. The painful reminder of the events in Falkreath was right there under his fingers – the cut off tip of her ear. It was fully healed now, of course, but the damage was visible.

He knew that it made her self-conscious. He saw how she fidgeted every time her fingers accidentally brushed over it. He wanted nothing more than to reassure her – what did a little thing like that matter? He had countless scars left on his body after Thorn's treatment, old and new. It only meant that he survived that fucker. They both did. But bringing that shit up again was likely not a good idea. She seemed adamant to avoid talking about anything that even touched upon all the things that had transpired in Falkreath.

How was he supposed to make shit right when she didn't even want to discuss things?

He kept thinking about what he would say to her when she woke up. Nothing seemed right. Was there even a right thing to say? He doubted that anything that he would come up with would convince her to go back to him.

This was all too weird – he had no idea how to deal with something like this. It wasn't as if he'd never been left by a girl before, but this was the first time that he actually minded the fact. The first time he actually wanted to get someone back. Maybe he was right not to get attached to anyone before – this was torture. Then again, now that he knew what he had and lost, he knew that he would never trade it for anything. It was too late. He was in too deep. Now if he just went back to how things used to be – him alone with only Karnwyr for company, it would not feel right anymore. Something would always be missing.

She would always be missing.

Aeyrin stirred again and her brows creased deeply as another soft whimper escaped her lips.

The last time he saw her like that must have been in Dawnstar, when she was still trapped in her nightmares after he awoke.

He cradled her closer to himself. For some reason, he hoped that it would help.

It didn't. If anything, it felt like she got even tenser. And all he could do was let out a disappointed sigh.

Should he just wake her up? She kind of looked like she hadn't gotten any proper rest in a long time. Small wonder with how disturbed her sleep was. And he could really relate to that lately. Still… it didn't seem like it would be helpful for her to remain in this state longer.

But then again, the sooner she awoke, the sooner he'd have to let go of her and deal with whatever would come next.

Before he could make up his mind, Aeyrin's eyes shot open.

She looked around in confusion, for a while, before she managed to get her bearings. It seemed like it took a long time for her to remember where she was and why.

"Morning," she murmured almost inaudibly. She disentangled herself from him right then and sat up on the bed before throwing her feet down on the cold wooden floorboards.

Her head was still swirling with the memories of her dreams. They were always so vivid, yet... confusing in a way. Everything was mashed together, things that happened, things that could have happened and things that never did. Thorn was still a constant presence in her nightmares, but what bothered her more, was that so was Bishop. She didn't always remember in what context, but there was always this strange bitter feeling left in the dreams' passing. Even resentful.

She didn't want to think about that.

And she didn't want to take her mood out on him. She could see how hard he was trying with everything – trying not to force the issues that they needed to deal with. And even his blunt honesty about everything back at the meadery warmed her heart a bit. It was obvious that he was trying to make up for what he had done, to show her that he wouldn't deceive her like that anymore.

But she still wasn't sure if she believed him. She wasn't sure if everything wouldn't go back to how it was before, once she would forgive him. There would be another reason, another excuse for his actions.

She understood why he lied and kept secrets, but it still hurt.

She couldn't pretend like there wasn't a myriad of what-if scenarios in the back of her mind, depicting both how much could have been avoided if he had told her everything sooner, and how much worse things could have gotten if she didn't find out about his secrets on her own.

Or perhaps if she didn't find out, and simply went along with the plan, she would have avoided Thorn altogether. That was Bishop's plan after all.

Ugh… she needed to stop thinking about this. It was not helping her mood in the slightest.

"Are you alright, sweetness?" Bishop's concerned voice riled her from her ruminations.

She turned her head to him and gave him another weak smile. It wasn't very reassuring.

"Yeah," she answered quietly after a while. "Thanks for… for letting me stay here. I should… probably get going."

Fuck, those words came much faster than he had expected them to.

Apparently he didn't have to agonize over what to say – it's been decided all along.

"Princess, come on," he sighed with a hint of a plea palpable in his voice.

"Bishop…" she shook her head regretfully in response and averted her eyes from him again. She wasn't sure what to say. Yesterday, she wasn't sure what would happen in the morning. She never stopped to think about it, couldn't think about it. It wasn't as if anything had changed that night. She wasn't ready to deal with any of it and if she stayed, she would have to. She still feared that if she was around Bishop now, things would only get worse.

She would grow to resent him.

She didn't want that to happen. Ever.

"I can't. I'm sorry," she sighed while she continued keeping her eyes on the floor. She didn't want to look at him during this talk. It would just make her feel worse.

"I don't get it," Bishop scowled at her. She could feel it at the back of her head. "You act like you don't blame me for what happened, but then suddenly you can't even be around me?"

"Bishop, please, can we not do this now? I don't know what to say." Aeyrin closed her eyes firmly. She understood that he wanted to talk things through, but she just couldn't. She didn't know how to explain it to him.

"Just… fuck… tell me what happens now. I keep waiting for… I don't even know what," he growled in exasperation. He kept waiting for her to write back to him, now he waited to run into her somewhere by pure chance. He couldn't stand it. He just wanted to be with her. Even if she needed time before they picked up where they left off. That didn't matter. What mattered was having her back in his life. "Can't you just yell at me or something?" At least that would move them somewhere.

"You want to fight?" she scoffed at him.

"Kinda, yeah. At least I'd know where I stood. For fuck's sake, either tell me that we can make things work or… or just tell me now if there's no chance for us to get through this." Bishop regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He shouldn't have said that. Even this agonizing uncertainty was better than defeat.

"I… I don't know the answer to that. Do you really want to force that decision?" she looked back at him briefly before averting her eyes again. Now there was a pleading tone in her voice. She didn't want this. She didn't want to make this decision. Because right now, she couldn't give him the answer he wanted. And she couldn't stand the thought of giving him the one he dreaded.

Bishop stayed silent. It was obvious to him now that she was reluctant to answer this. It was both comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. But it was better than rejection.

"If I… if I told you there was no chance, would you just… leave? Would you stop trying to fix things?" she finally looked at him. There was a frown on her face, but he could swear that it wasn't an angry one. Would she even want him to? Her reluctance to answer suggested otherwise.

But the question was… concerning. What would he do if she rejected him for good? Could he really let her go? Maybe it would have been easier to accept if he didn't spend the last two months in this hopeful uncertainty. If she never answered his letters or if she never let Karnwyr drag her over here.

"Does it matter?" he swallowed audibly. He wasn't sure what else to say.

"Well… if you wouldn't stop trying, why would my answer to you matter? Nothing would change if I told you that there was no chance, it would only hurt the both of us." Aeyrin looked down on her hands with another sigh.

She had a point there. Besides, he didn't really want her to answer anyway. Not unless it was what he wanted to hear.

As the tense silence enveloped the cabin, Aeyrin stood up from the bed and walked over to the small trapdoor in order to fish out her pack.

She started to change into her clothes while keeping her back turned to him at all times, and once she was done, she rummaged around for her armor before she began to pull on her underchain and heavy metal boots.

"You know… we're going the same way," Bishop broke the silence after a few moments. It had been on his mind constantly. Would she really stubbornly walk all the way towards the northern road some distance away from him, just so they wouldn't have to spend time together?

"No we're not. You can't take the road. You know… precautions," she shook her head, but she still kept herself turned away from him. The last thing she wanted was for him to get arrested because he wanted to be around her to try and patch things up between them. As if she hadn't caused enough damage for him with that bounty already.

"Right," Bishop muttered in defeat. What else was there to say? But he had to try anyway.

She continued to buckle on her protective plates while the silence reigned over the small cabin again.

When she was finally done, she slinged her pack over her shoulder and turned to him at last.

"We'll… we'll see each other soon, alright?" she smiled. This time, it actually seemed genuine. It was a small comfort.

Bishop got up from the bed promptly and stood up to face her. He only slowly nodded in response, but before she could turn away, he gently squeezed his hand over her upper arm, below her pauldron.

"Just be careful out there, sweetness. It's a fucking shitty task Raven has you on," he grumbled. Everyone thought that it was so fucking easy for the Dragonborn to roam around killing the beasts. And of course she wouldn't protest.

She smiled again and then something fleshed through her eyes. Suddenly, she took a step towards him before she wrapped her arms around him tightly, cuddling herself up into his embrace. Her face was muffled by his chest, but he heard a soft 'you too' from her lips. It took a bit longer for him to realize what happened before he draped his hands over her armored back and pressed her even closer.

"I love you," the words left his lips without him even realizing it. Not that he minded – it must have been painfully obvious to her that his feelings hadn't waned in the slightest. For a second, he worried that she'd think that he only said it to manipulate her into staying. Then the next second he felt a pit in his stomach at the thought that she wouldn't reciprocate.

But the second after that, all his fears were alleviated.

"I love you too," she raised her head to him, as if she was making sure that the words didn't get muffled and lost in their embrace.

She stepped on her tiptoes and gave him a very brief chaste peck on his lips.

Did she even realize how much that meant to him just then?

She disentangled herself from the embrace a mere second later and headed out of the cabin. She knelt down by the wolf that was slowly rousing from his slumber in front of the entrance. Karnwyr instantly perked up at her proximity and got up on his feet, nuzzling into her while low whines escaped his maw. Aeyrin ruffled his fur affectionately and lowered her head to his, nuzzling him back.

Bishop smiled at the exchange. It has been painfully obvious throughout those two months that he wasn't the only one missing her. Karnwyr has been especially moody since she had left.

"Hey," Bishop interrupted their moment and Aeyrin tilted her head from the wolf's fur to look up at him. "Don't you want some breakfast? I think I still have some pretty fresh jazbay grapes leftover somewhere."

She gave him a strange grimace. There was no hiding that this was an obvious attempt at keeping her around longer. There was a small smile tugging at her lips, but she still sighed exasperatedly and averted her eyes from him.

"You're not playing fair," she mumbled, but it was more lighthearted than accusatory.

"I'm not playing, ladyship," he scowled briefly. It was not meant to be a ploy or gambit. He wasn't going to try to convince her again to travel with him if she stayed for breakfast. He just wanted her there longer. "Just eat with me, sweetness. Not everything needs to be weird and uncomfortable, for fuck's sake," he scoffed a bit.

The smile won over her grimace at last and she looked at him, nodding.

Even if they were to spend their time making small talk filled with awkward silences, it was better than the alternative.

Any time spent with her was better than none at all.

…

The journey towards Morthal was painfully uneventful.

Aeyrin traipsed along the road all day, undisturbed and with plenty of time to think.

She hated that. She didn't want to think at all. If only she could find something to distract herself with.

She looked around. Still no one in sight – no enemies, no… well… no one.

She wondered if Bishop was following her. It wouldn't have been the first time. Although now there were much different circumstances. He was worried about what her father would pull back then. Now, it would have been just… strange. And a little creepy, now that she thought about it.

He was probably not following her.

Why would he be? They were both just walking.

So much walking and nothing else. If they were still travelling together, she would have been perfectly content with the lack of action, just enjoying her moment of peace beside him. Maybe she should have stayed with him. They could have just shared the journey and then parted again.

But… it might have been harder to leave again in that case.

Besides, it was strange. When he was nowhere in her sight, all she wanted was to be around him. But when she was with him, there were all these conflicting and overwhelming feelings. She wanted nothing but to get away.

She wasn't sure which scenario was worse.

She knew that she'd always had trouble moving on when she got attached. Azshan, Master Therien – every time people disappeared from her everyday life, it took her a long time to come to terms with it. She wondered if it had something to do with how guilty she used to feel for abandoning her father… but that was not the case now, was it?

Ugh, she should really stop analyzing herself. No wonder Bishop hated when she did that to him. It just made her feel worse.

With a heavy sigh, she continued on her journey through Cold Rock Pass. Not even a damn troll to distract her. There always seemed to be trolls in the pass… there must have been some cavern nearby filled with them. There were a lot of crevices and caverns along the mountains.

After a while, she noticed something in a snowbank in the distance. She approached the bank only to find the snow stained with blood and a dead carcass of an ice troll slumped into the deep snow. There was an arrow protruding from its head.

She recognized it instantly.

Damn, Bishop was fast. His journey was supposed to be a lot longer since he couldn't stick to the roads. But that never seemed to hinder him.

But he couldn't have been that far ahead of her, now, could he? Maybe she could even catch up with him.

Should she?

It was probably a bad idea. Even during those two months, traveling without him never seemed to get easier. She should really get used to being alone again. Besides, she was feeling so… pathetically needy. She couldn't just come running after him now, could she? Not after she had left again.

No, no… it was better not to look for him.

Not that it would be hard – they were outside Whiterun Hold already, Bishop would likely just use the road too to get to Morthal faster. Unless he was hunting or just planning on spending the night in the wilderness. But why would he? There was a perfectly good inn in Morthal, aside from the bard there. Maybe it was because of him?

By the Eight, stop thinking about Bishop!

Her own mind was starting to grate on her nerves. She could really use some distraction. He could have at least left the troll for her.

She finally left the pass and the coniferous valley while distant moors spread out before her as she left the mountains behind.

But the scenery wasn't the only thing that caught her eye.

Well… so much for trying not to think about him.

She could see Bishop from her vantage point – striding across the winding path in between the lush trees. He was a bit hard to see in the dark armor, but she noticed him anyway. She wondered if she was still subconsciously looking for him to locate him that fast.

It was kind of an unsettling thought.

What was the point? This was much more uncomfortable than just going with him, wasn't it? She had enough of agonizing over her own thoughts. It was exhausting. Much more exhausting than trying to steer conversations with him from the uncomfortable topics. At least he seemed understanding about her reluctance to talk, even though she could see that he wanted nothing more than to go over their issues and work through things. Only to have everything back to normal.

It wasn't that simple.

It seemed like nothing could ever go back to normal again. Then again, what even was normal? She being blissfully oblivious in his company while he lied and manipulated her to hide everything inconvenient from her? Was that their 'normal'? It has been going on for so long.

And now she was getting angry again.

She didn't want to see him! Not after everything he had done, everything he had hidden from her. She didn't want him to force himself to reveal every detail of his past to her out of obligation. She understood having things in his life that he didn't want to talk about, but this?! This was not about him, not about some painful memories. He hid things that directly affected her, he hid things that were happening to her!

Not to mention Thorn.

If she knew that someone like that even existed, she would have… she would have to…

Well… her reaction to that was exactly why he kept it from her.

She sighed deeply again, determined to stop thinking about any of this and just continuing towards Morthal.

Alone.

She could still see him occasionally in between the trees. It wasn't very convenient when she was trying not to think about him.

Gods, what was the point?

With another defeated sigh, she picked up the pace a bit and whistled loudly. The sound echoed through the foliage and she could see the figure stop in his tracks.

Well, that was done. No going back now.

…

"Fuck, you're slow. You even left the cabin like an hour before I did," Bishop smirked at her when she finally approached him on the road. He was leaning against a tree, waiting for her with an infuriatingly self-pleased smirk on his face. "I thought you'd have been in Morthal by now."

"My armor's heavier," she grumbled. Of course he was faster – he didn't have to lug countless pounds of Dwemer metal with him.

"Never stopped you from charging at giants or jumping on dragons," Bishop chuckled briefly. He still looked rather pleased with himself. Was it because she stopped him to catch up? It was making her angry again. Could he just wipe that smirk off of his face and pretend like it wasn't a big deal?

He seemed to notice her morose expression, however, and instantly scowled in concern and uncertainty. He did mention that conversations with her felt like quicksand to him. She kind of felt sorry for him. Her inability to cope with the mess of thoughts and emotions in her head was not his fault. Well… maybe it was his fault a little.

Stop it!

No more thinking! Just small talk and walking. That was for the best – distracting enough and not in that much danger of triggering some more uncomfortable topics.

"Are you stopping in Morthal?" she asked as she inclined her head towards the road to motion for him to continue walking with her.

"Yeah. I need some supplies. Couldn't really stop to shop in Whiterun," he scoffed in response and started to walk down the road again with her by his side.

It made her wonder about his source of money. Was he adventuring like they used to together? Or did he go back to hunting for coin? She hasn't really delved into any dungeon since they parted. She wondered if she still had it in her to handle them alone.

"You got some loot to sell?" she tried to ask inconspicuously. She wasn't even sure why. She could just ask him where he gets money for supplies now. Why did every ordinary topic just feel so strange now?

"Nah, I don't really need to get any yet. I still got a lot leftover from Thorn's bounty," Bishop shrugged noncommittally in response.

Right. She almost forgot about that. She's been using the money from the bounty all this time too and she still hasn't run out. Small wonder with how much the Jarl was paying for Thorn's head. She wondered if Bishop got more from Karliah because he was the one to actually kill Thorn.

She wondered how he did it. If he made him suffer.

Stop it, stop it, stop thinking about it!

"So what exactly are you doing after? You just… follow a caravan around?" Bishop fortunately interrupted her thoughts.

"Well… pretty much. I stay out of the way. They can't think that I'm actually following them. And it's not like a dragon would escape my attention if I'm in the general area anyway," she chuckled a little weakly.

Bishop only scowled at her response. He didn't say anything for a long time, likely debating with himself if he should speak up.

In the end, it seemed like he couldn't help himself.

"This is so fucking stupid. There's gotta be other ways to have Maven stop supporting Mercer. She did it once before already. I don't get why we have to go with the one plan that risks your life every fucking step of the way."

Well, it was not like she was that fond of Raven's plan either, but she could hardly come up with something better. And as much as she would love avoiding dragons now, it was her duty. No one else could get rid of them and they still threatened people. And at least it gave her something to do besides waiting for… she wasn't even sure what anymore.

"It's fine. It's not like I wouldn't help them against a dragon if I just encountered the caravan by accident. This way at least some good may come of it for Karliah's plans," Aeyrin shrugged in response.

"But at least you wouldn't go looking for them, for fuck's sake. What's the point now anyway? You're just risking yourself for no reason. As long as Alduin's alive he can just resurrect them again, right?" Bishop still scowled fiercely. Not that he was sure about that. He had no idea how that resurrection was supposed to work. Nobody did. But it sounded logical. What would prevent Alduin from resurrecting the fallen dragons again? This way Aeyrin was just going through all that pain needlessly.

She mentioned back at the meadery that things were 'not going as well as they used to' in regards to the dragons. What did she mean by that?

"I don't know how it works. And you don't either, by the way. The point is to protect people from them. And if it helps take Mercer down, all the better," Aeyrin huffed defiantly and folded her arms across her chest. Was obvious how frustrated she was getting with this topic.

Bishop merely sighed. He was just concerned for her… was it really a reason for her to get angry with him? He was wrong. Talking to her now wasn't like quicksand. It was like a deep freezing sea and he was constantly drowning.

"Look… I just meant… Raven's so eager to have you hunt down dragons. It pisses me off. He doesn't know what it actually means. How bad it is," Bishop shook his head, trying to contain his own frustration from seeping into his voice.

"Neither do you. You're not the one who has to go through any of that," she scoffed at him derisively while she still kept her arms folded across her chest in a rather antagonistic manner. Why was his concern angering her so much?

Bishop stopped in his tracks suddenly.

She turned to look at him, only to see him stare at her with palpable hurt etched on his face.

He didn't say anything for a while, prolonging the moment. She was starting to feel a little guilty under his gaze, even though she wasn't even sure why. She was right after all! He never had to go through that pain and fear.

"Yeah… sure," he scoffed. "Never meant anything to me. I never had to be scared out of my mind that I would lose you at any second. Never had you go limp in my arms, forced to think that you were actually dead. It's always been so easy for me, right? And now… why would it matter to me, knowing that you go around looking for these fuckers, risking your life while I'm not even there to see that you get out of that alive, right?!"

Aeyrin stood there motionless as her eyes averted towards the ground with palpable guilt in them.

She had never even thought about that. The ordeal of consuming those souls was nerve-racking on its own, she had never even stopped to consider how it must have felt for him – to watch her struggle in pain, unable to do anything about it.

"I… I'm sorry. But… I promise you, I'm fine. You don't have to worry," she tried to diffuse the situation somehow. She didn't want to think about him worrying about her constantly while she was following the caravans. That would just make her missions all the harder.

"Liar. You're not fine! You told me yourself. You said it yourself that it's worse," the scowl was still etched on his face as he growled at her.

She said that? She didn't even remember.

It felt way too natural and comforting to confide in him. And now she regretted it.

This was a bad idea.

All of this was a bad idea.

She shouldn't have stopped him.

"Just… you don't have to worry about me, really. It'll be alright," she let out another sigh before she turned back towards the road leading to Morthal. "I'm… I'm gonna go. Sorry for… never mind. I'll see you later," she quickly mumbled, rushing to get away from the conversation.

Bishop's scowl turned into a surprised stare.

What the fuck just happened again? He had no idea how their conversations even ended up in this awkward state with her running away from him yet again.

This was so frustrating.

He had no idea what to do.

Everything he said seemed to be met with strange unpredictable reactions.

Then again, it was not like he could make it even worse at this point.

"Ladyship, wait!"