Aeyrin looked over the road ahead.
She was exhausted and every inch of her body felt strained and achy.
No wonder… after a night like that.
She hated leaving him again. She hated to see that pained look on his face, to see the exact moment when she shattered all his hopes yet again.
But she didn't see any other way.
She was afraid.
She was afraid of her own thoughts winning over her feelings. She was afraid of the things that she was not ready to deal with, overwhelming her, pressing down on her with him as the only one around as her punching sack. She feared ruining every feeling that was still between them by growing resentful over his role in her current state.
This was for the best. Time would help heal this. It just… had to.
But she knew that she couldn't only rely on that.
She needed to at least try to make things right. She needed to feel like she could live again.
She needed to finally stop running away from everything.
And this would start now.
She could start slow, easing into things back again, instead of frantic bouts of denial in between her haunted days and nights.
She needed to start with something small, to reclaim the life she was hiding from.
She stepped onto the road with determination.
Whiterun was just a day away. She could get there by nightfall. To see her friends again.
The Companions provided shelter and home before. They provided security. They would do so again, she was sure of it.
…
"Aeyrin!" Aela rushed over to her the instant she appeared at the door of Jorrvaskr.
Her excitement made Aeyrin feel a bit guilty. She had thought that Aela would be at least a little upset about Aeyrin leaving the city so suddenly when she was supposed to meet up with her about something important before. But she did ask Lydia to relay the message. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal.
Aela gave her a brief hug while Skjor approached them too.
"Good to see you back. You haven't been here for a while," he looked her over thoughtfully.
Aela scowled at that: "True. Your friend came to see me when you left the last time you were here. She said that something important came up and you had to leave the city."
"We heard about the bounty the next day," Skjor nodded knowingly.
They heard? So the Jarl really did spread the word. She wasn't even sure – she never stayed in the city proper after that incident. She only practically snuck in once to get her armor from Breezehome.
And… what did that mean for the Companions? She knew that they hunted bounties. Would they actually bring Bishop in if they ever saw him somewhere?
"I mean… a Thrice-Banished? Damn… they are like bandit legends. I wouldn't have expected Bishop to actually be one of those scum," Aela furrowed her brows fiercely. "Did you… know about this?" She studied Aeyrin curiously.
Well… that kind of gave her enough of an idea about their attitude to the bounty.
"I… uhh… I found out only some time before… that day," Aeyrin stammered uncertainly. Their judgmental looks made her very uncomfortable.
"You did? Why would you not do something about it? He's a bandit, Aeyrin! They have no honor. They're like the skeevers of people. They don't provide a good hunt yet they swarm the land like the vermin that they are," Aela sneered hatefully. She was a lot more upset than Aeyrin would have expected. Was it because she used to consider Bishop a friend? Maybe she felt… betrayed.
Aeyrin could understand that.
But how was she supposed to answer?
Because I love him.
That seemed like the stupidest thing to say. They would either ridicule her for it, or give her endless lectures on naivety.
"He's not a bandit Aela," she sighed. Not anymore anyway. "You know him. He's nothing like his… family."
Aela raised her brow at her, as if she was questioning her sanity. No matter. Aeyrin was in no mood to explain this to her. She herself knew that Bishop was not to blame for the crimes that the bounty pinned on him. He may have been to blame for countless other crimes, but that was beside the point.
"Where is he?" Skjor gave her a curious look.
Right, like I'm gonna tell you after this.
"Not in Whiterun," Aeyrin gave him a meaningful look. After all, it was not illegal for him to be anywhere else. As long as the other jarls didn't recognize him…
She wondered if everyone in Whiterun knew. If everyone knew that it was her companion who was revealed to be a Thrice-Banished. Did the people even know about their family? Maybe those affected by their crimes, but she doubted that every citizen knew who they were. It made sense for the Companions to know, bandit killing was their bread and butter, but hopefully the whole city was not so aware of the circumstances. The last thing she needed was another place where everyone gossiped and whispered about her.
"Doesn't matter now, I suppose," Aela shook her head, but she still seemed rather morose. That was until she leaned over to Skjor to whisper something into his ear and a strange predatory smile flashed across her lips. Skjor, however, still kept his stony expression.
Aeyrin tried to hear what she was saying, but she couldn't be too obvious about it. All she could make out was something about a 'game'. That didn't tell her much.
"How long are you staying, Aeyrin?" Aela asked after a while.
She hadn't exactly thought about that. She was planning to at least stay the night. She didn't feel like being alone in the wilderness again. But she should also probably go see Raven soon. It was possible that the news of her saving the caravan near Morthal had already reached Maven and their mission could actually progress.
That may have been only wishful thinking though.
And fulfilling some contracts with the Companions was also not a bad idea perhaps.
"I don't know. Not that long, but I guess I could stay a day or two. Maybe join you on some contracts?" She gave Aela a hopeful look. She'd never been on a mission with her before, only with Farkas and Vilkas. Aela was an excellent archer – she would definitely suit Aeyrin's tactics more.
"We don't really… have any," Skjor murmured.
What? None at all? Or did they just not want her to help out with any? Perhaps the junior members complained about her getting 'special treatment' too much. Then again, she hadn't gotten any tasks from the companions in ages. It couldn't have been that.
"Unless you want to collect personally on a certain bounty," he gave her a level look.
Seriously? She wasn't sure what they thought happened after the bounty on Bishop went into effect, but oddly enough, it seemed like they were convinced that she was no longer... with him in any way. Otherwise they wouldn't talk about him like this in front of her, right?
"Shit… you know… thing is, there might be… something. But… not yet," Aela scowled deeply, as if she was trying to figure out an elaborate puzzle. "Skjor and I have to leave soon on a mission, but it's Circle-only."
"What? Now?" Aeyrin gaped at her. It was almost nightfall. Why would they head out for a mission now?
"It's time-sensitive," Skjor nodded briefly.
Aela rubbed her chin ponderingly, tapping her index finger below her lips. "I don't know how long we'll be, but I really hope you stay here until we get back. There's still something I've been meaning to…"
"Pup!" a familiar voice interrupted her.
Vilkas appeared by the stairs leading to the sleeping quarters and he instantly hurried towards them.
"Hey, Vil-oomph" before Aeyrin could even greet him, she found herself dragged into one of his bone-crushing hugs. She couldn't help but giggle against him as he grinned widely and started to sway his torso from side to side with a chuckle, dragging her along with him.
When Vilkas finally let go of her, he promptly turned his attention to Skjor and Aela. "What are you two still doing here?"
"Talking, obviously," Aela scowled. She looked strangely miffed. But then again, she looked like that since they started talking about Bishop. Maybe she was still upset from that discussion.
"No time for talking. You should have been gone already," Vilkas gestured towards the entrance.
"In a minute, Vilkas," Aela continued to scowl. "Aeyrin, you will wait, right?" she turned to her and gave her a suddenly hopeful smile. Maybe she still wanted to discuss the same thing that she did back then. But she did say that she didn't know how long they would be. Aeyrin had no idea what mission they were even going on.
"I guess. But if there's nothing to do here…" Aeyrin sighed. What if Farkas and Vilkas had these 'Circle-only' missions too? She didn't want to stay there with the junior members who disliked her. And she really didn't want to spend a lot of time in Whiterun. She was not ready to deal with Lydia nor the potential gossip-mongers, talking about her relationship with the dreaded bandit.
"You know what, pup? I'll take you with me for something exciting," Vilkas winked at her. Was it her imagination, or did he give Aela a brief challenging look. "I'll let you know when."
Aela narrowed her eyes at him in response.
What was going on between them?
They weren't exactly subtle, that was for certain. But Aeyrin still had no idea what all this could have been about.
"You know… I haven't seen you for so long, Aeyrin. Maybe I can get someone to replace us on tonight's hunt. We could finally talk some," Aela smiled at her again.
Did she just say 'hunt'? Aeyrin thought that this was a mission. But… maybe she was referring to a bounty hunt.
"Like who? Me and Farkas haven't seen her for a long time either, you know," Vilkas scoffed at Aela derisively.
"Maybe the whelps would…"
"Aela," Vilkas's voice carried a warning undertone. "Why don't you just stop complicating things and go?"
This was getting strangely tense. Skjor only stood there, watching Vilkas with a measured eye.
Everyone was acting so strange.
And come to think of it… not just now. They've been all acting strange for a while now from time to time. Aeyrin wondered what was so secretive about their Circle that they had to be so cryptic and strange about the contracts. Maybe it was something regarding the leadership of the Companions. Kodlak was getting old… maybe they were all competing to become his replacement?
It was the only thing that she could think of. The Circle were just senior warriors, right? They could be keeping their contracts Circle-only to hog the most impressive ones perhaps, reaping all the glory.
Aela stared at Vilkas for a while, but after a few seconds, she looked back towards Aeyrin.
"I'm glad I got to see you, if only for a while. Wait for us if you can, alright?" she smiled, then nodded at Skjor. He gave a brief nod to Aeyrin in farewell as well and both of them headed outside.
Vilkas looked strangely relieved. He grinned at her when those two were finally out of the door and motioned for her to follow him to one of the feast tables. Nobody else was there. Perhaps they were in the courtyard sparring or something.
"Why are you two being strange?" Aeyrin peered at Vilkas curiously as they sat down at the table and he started to pour some mead for the both of them.
"'Strange'? Nothing strange about anything. Aela's just eager to find an excuse to get out of her mission, apparently." Vilkas smiled a bit to himself.
"Why?" Aeyrin furrowed her brows. Aela was not one to shy away from combat. Or a hunt. Whatever it was.
"Hmm… why? Maybe she thinks that something more interesting might come along while she's away," he shrugged.
Huh… a boring mission then? That was understandable maybe.
Still… something felt strange about all this.
It wasn't the first time the Companions were this oddly secretive after all.
Everyone had so many secrets.
Aeyrin understood the reluctance to talk about painful things, she always had. Divines knew that she had carried many of those memories herself. But this blatant secrecy and the obvious lies – it was people going out of their way to keep things from her that hurt the most. It hurt the most from Bishop. They were supposed to look out for each other, not lie and manipulate each other to avoid uncomfortable truths.
It hurt much less from the Companions but she still couldn't help but be bothered by it – she knew it was unfair to the junior members, but they've always given her the impression that she was more… special to them. She always thought that they trusted her but it was obvious that the trust had limits. But could she really blame them? She never told them the vast majority of the things that she got up to. The Blades, the Guild and everything around that. Then again, she never had to jump through hoops to hide it. The most concerning thing about all this, however, was the constant thought nagging at her: 'what could they possibly be hiding?'
She got the feeling that Aela wanted to tell her that night when she left Whiterun with Bishop. Maybe the brothers didn't approve? That could have been the source of all that strange tension between them.
Vilkas clinked his tankard against hers with a small smile before he took a deep swig.
"So, pup, spill it," he smirked at her. You spill it. "What happened?"
She knew exactly what he was talking about. She wasn't sure why she still hoped to avoid the subject. He wanted to hear all about Bishop's bounty. After what Aela insinuated, Aeyrin feared that it had become the talk of Whiterun.
"What do you mean?" she gave him a feigned clueless look. He would have to drag it out of her at least.
"You know damn well what I mean, pup. Everyone's talking about it," Oh Gods. "First a bounty arrives, issued on none other than that mongrel. Then Aela mentions that she saw you the day before and that you suddenly left. The town's all buzzing with rumors about you ever since."
That was exactly what she was afraid of. Thank the Eight that she got here so late and didn't get accosted by gossipmongers. But now when she knew, she wouldn't be able to stop noticing the dubious looks everyone would be giving her, she was sure of it.
Staying in Whiterun sounded less and less appealing every minute.
Even her curiosity about Aela's insistence on talking wouldn't probably deter her from leaving soon.
"What… what kind of rumors?" she wasn't sure why she even asked. She was pretty certain that she didn't want to know the answer.
"It's the same shit all the time, pup. Most of them are about the mighty Dragonborn getting duped by a common bandit," he smirked at her. Why did she have the feeling that he was enjoying this? It was like the words 'I told you so' subtly seeped from every sentence he uttered. "We didn't hear much then, just some people claiming that they saw you here and there. Alone," he gave her a meaningful look.
He wanted to know what she had done about that 'common bandit'.
"I wasn't 'duped'," she gritted her teeth. She could almost hear all the stories. They surely made her out to be some naïve love-struck girl who was stupid enough not to see the monster by her side.
"You knew who he was then?" Vilkas scoffed at her, as if he was entirely certain that he already knew the answer. It was getting increasingly annoying.
She did not want to give him the satisfaction.
"Was, Vilkas. He was not a bandit when I met him and he's not one now. He was a child when the bounty was issued," she scowled at Vilkas fiercely.
"People like that don't change, pup," he scoffed again in response.
What? He was three! How could that indicate anything about his personality? Although she couldn't really deny that it wasn't the end of that life for him.
"So what? You're still with him?" Vilkas frowned at her in disapproval.
Ugh, why that question? If she said 'no', it would only make him give her an annoyingly self-satisfied smirk, she was sure of it. Besides, it was much more complicated than that. And she did not want to think about it. Especially after last night.
"Well I'm certainly not turning him in for the bounty, that's for sure," she growled. Hopefully it would end this topic. That was what he was eventually going to ask, right? A twenty thousand bounty would surely have all the Companions salivating.
Vilkas gave her a dubious look. He looked at her just like Aela did just a while ago – as if he was pondering her mental stability.
Not that she could blame him. She was pondering it lately herself.
But she's had enough of the judgment. It was time to turn the tables.
"So… what's going on with you and Aela? Things seemed to be… tense between you two," she suppressed the smug smirk that she wanted to give him. He would likely just get evasive, but it was nice to make him uncomfortable for a change.
Vilkas stared at her for quite a while. He looked like he wanted to tell her something, but in the end he just sighed somewhat defeatedly. "Not at all. Why would they be? Like I said, she was just eager for a more exciting mission."
"Really? It looked like… more than that," she narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. "You know, she's been wanting to talk to me about something for a while now. Do you know what it's about? Something Circle-related, maybe?" she pried with determination.
Again the long silence. He wasn't very good at being subtle. He clearly knew something.
"Pup… I think she wants to talk to you about that bounty. Convince you to maybe lure the mongrel to Whiterun Hold. She… well… it's a lot of money," Vilkas gave her a somber nod.
What? Seriously? Aela would really go out of her way to try and capture Bishop? Aeyrin knew it was a lot of money, but would it really be that easy for her to do this? She thought that Aela and Bishop were at the very least a little friendly.
Maybe she really shouldn't wait for her. She had absolutely no desire to discuss something like this with her!
Wait a minute… that didn't make any sense! Aela wanted to talk to her before the bounty was announced! This couldn't have been it!
Unless… unless Aela somehow knew about the bounty even before.
Ugh… this was all making her feel queasy. Could she not have to deal with any of this for one single day?!
"What, you don't agree?" she scoffed at Vilkas. It was obvious that he hated Bishop from the day they appeared in Jorrvaskr. As if he wouldn't want to get rid of him and get paid for it on top of that.
"I don't agree with coaxing you to do something like this! It's a decision that cannot be taken lightly and…" his sudden outburst caught her off guard. That certainly lacked the pensive pause he gave every other thing he had told her about this until now. He stopped himself almost instantly though. "Just… pup, I don't think you should let Aela manipulate you into anything."
She certainly wasn't planning to. But he seemed really peeved at the entire idea. Things were getting odder by the minute.
"I… won't. I just… didn't expect you to not be on her side with this." Especially when it came to Bishop. But she didn't want to make things more uncomfortable by pointing that out. "Honestly, I thought that all you Circle folks are just one big happy family, always pulling together," and excluding all the others. She really didn't get the point of the Circle lording their status over the other recruits with their secret meetings and exclusive missions. But she always got the impression that they enjoyed their roles. A discord between them hardly reinforced their superiority. She was surprised that he would admit this to her.
"Right… family… more like a pack of wild wolves. Supposed to pull together but… everyone's looking out for themselves first in the end," Vilkas sighed. There was clearly more to it than Bishop's bounty. Aeyrin doubted that he would care that much about it. "Or probably the worst kind of family you could find," he scoffed.
"I doubt that," she grumbled almost inaudibly. If that was his idea of a bad family, he was damn lucky. But then again, she really had no idea what was actually going on.
Vilkas didn't speak anymore and only looked morosely into his tankard. She was clearly not going to get any actual answers from him.
It was frustrating.
She was always kept in the dark. By everyone.
Maybe she was just too sensitive to it now, after everything that had happened.
But at least to Bishop's credit, he never hid the fact that he was keeping things from her. By the end, she could see how much he actually wanted to come clean, how much he agonized over keeping secrets.
She could feel herself now considering every word that Vilkas said, always wondering whether he was lying or not. One of the reasons she couldn't imagine being even near Bishop was the fear of exactly this. The constant mistrust.
She was still afraid of that happening. Whenever she thought about seeing him, she feared that she would treat everything coming out of his mouth with suspicion.
But when they were actually together, that never happened. She never stopped to wonder, never actually thought that anything he told her was a lie.
Was it really all just her fear and anxiety talking? Or would it really be like that when push came to shove and they got themselves into another mess with his checkered past?
Maybe things would be different now when everything was out in the open.
"Pup… just… with everything that went down… I hope you know now that you should be careful about who you trust," Vilkas interrupted her thoughts suddenly. It was like he was reading her mind just then.
But why was he bringing Bishop up again? Didn't she make it obvious that she didn't want to discuss this? And least of all with someone so biased. She was still not convinced that Vilkas wouldn't want to claim the bounty. If anything, she would have suspected him to be the one to try to coax her into capturing Bishop and Aela to be the one to disagree.
Perhaps that was it! Was this a pre-emptive strike of sorts? Was he trying to gain her trust in this matter only to slowly turn her to his way of thinking?
Ugh, she was so tired of the constant suspicions. She didn't want to think about Vilkas like that. She didn't want to think about anyone like that. So what if she got burned by her naivety at times? This was no way to live! She did not want to keep her distance from everyone that she would care about in order not to get hurt.
"Vilkas, I'll decide who to trust on my own," she growled at him again. She's just about had enough of this.
"I know, pup. Just remember that… people aren't always what they seem," he sighed somberly once more.
That was painfully obvious. But what was there to do about it but keep her distance? She was tired of doing that. She was tired of feeling alone. There was no point in suspecting people of everything bad before they actually did it. It would just make her more and more miserable.
"Why don't you tell me some stories instead?" she gave him a weak smile. Hopefully that would end this conversation once and for all.
Vilkas didn't seem in a talkative mood anymore, but he returned the smile after a while.
"Let me get Farkas. We can tell you about some fun stuff we got into."