Chapter XXIV – Left Unsaid

Everything burned.

Everything hurt so much.

She tried to open her eyes. She tried to move. But no muscle in her body seemed to work.

Where was she?

It was so cold. The only thing she could feel were the shivers of her body, making her ache even more with all the rapid motions.

She remembered the pain… the lightning, the shocks coursing through her body. They hit her like a wave after wave of agony. What happened?

She tried to open her eyes once more with all the resolve and determination that she could muster at that moment. Though… for some reason, it didn't feel like she had much of those left. But still, this time it worked. She was so tired and her eyes threatened to close again promptly, but she kept forcing them open.

She could see stars in the night sky and the faint black outline of tall trees in her sights. She was… on the road. Near Helgen. And… there was that dragon. She recalled the fight again – the horrible pain from the Shout and then the even worse absorption. But she remembered nothing after that.

Was she still in the same spot? It… it wasn't nighttime before, right?

How long has she been there?!

Gods, she passed out. Again. She… she could have really died from this.

Before now it felt like the absorptions were getting worse, but… this was… so much worse than she had thought. She didn't even know how long she'd been lying there on the ground. It could have been days!

Everything was still burning and hurting, but she needed to get herself up. She was struck by lightning. She needed a healer as soon as possible, who knew what damage it had done to her?!

With a loud cry of pain, she tried to get up again. But that obviously wouldn't be possible with her on her back. Instead, she turned to her side, then onto her stomach along with numerous grunts of pain and effort. When she had finally managed to flip over, she propped herself on her achy arms and pushed herself off the ground with another loud cry.

Why did it hurt so much?

Aeyrin finally got up to her hands and knees and scurried back into a squat. Her arms flailed helplessly for balance for a second or two until she finally managed to get up on her feet.

With a heavy sigh, she looked around. There was a skeleton of a dragon right next to her as well as one corpse of a guard and another corpse of the merchant. The cloth cover of the wagon nearby was completely gone and there was a dead horse still attached to the wagon.

Well… at least she knew where she was.

She needed to find a temple and the city closest to her was likely Falkreath. She wasn't exactly eager to go back to that place, but… desperate times called for desperate measures. She would only get quickly healed and then she would get out of that place after all. She didn't want to linger in Falkreath for a second longer than she had to.

After another deep sigh, she finally began walking. She took one shaky step then another, continuing along the path leading towards the city.

It hurt. But she had to get through this. She had no choice.

There was no one there to help her.

…

Aeyrin lay on her side in her bedroll, trying to curl even closer to the fire.

She only got the necessary healing at the temple in Falkreath and she was ready to leave even before the morning came.

The old Altmer priest was not surprised to see her at all – apparently the caravan guards had visited him earlier already. Luckily, form what the priest told her, she only lost the afternoon. It was still disturbing, but at least she wasn't lying there for days. But… that couldn't have happened anyway – someone would come by, to reclaim or ransack the wagon or to harvest the dragon's bones for material. Someone would have found her there. Although… maybe it was a good thing that no one had found her there. Gods knew who could have found her there and what they would have done with her. It was really best not to think about these things.

She had quickly written a letter to Bishop to send out of Falkreath and then she rushed away from the city. She had a clear destination – she still needed to rest and recuperate a lot. The old priest insisted that she do that at the small temple, but she refused. She needed to be out of that place quickly lest she started agonizing over the memories. So she headed to the wilderness to lick her wounds and wait for Bishop.

It would help her focus on something else than the ordeal she had gone through and the implications of the result. She didn't want to agonize over the next time she encountered one of these beasts, over what could happen again. It wasn't easy to stop thinking about that. It was on her mind constantly, but… surely she would be more at ease when she was no longer alone.

She retreated into a familiar cavern over the Whiterun plains – the one where they had stayed the night one time. She didn't know of many other suitable nearby places to hide away for potentially more than a day, since she didn't know how long she would have to wait for Bishop and it was practically in Falkreath hold and hidden from the roads. Bishop would be safe there from the Whiterun patrols. Definitely safer than at the hunter's rest. She had already told him in the letter that she would be there, in that cave. She only hoped that the werewolf that they had encountered there before wouldn't return.

Aeyrin made it into the cave shortly after the sun rose and she remained there all day, resting. She warmed herself by the fire and tried not to move much. Everything still hurt – the priest had said that it would hurt until she rested properly. The burns were healed, but her body still needed to recover after the trauma.

Not that she minded. She didn't really feel like doing anything else. But the rest did not help her avoid the plaguing thoughts all that much. She was thinking about that dragon encounter all the time.

She huddled more firmly into the fur blankets yet again, shivering. She wasn't sure why she was so cold today. Well… she was cold all the time, but not this cold when she was buried in fur and near a fire. Maybe it was still the literal aftershock, or maybe it was the lack of sleep. She wasn't sure if that state of unconsciousness actually allowed her body the needed rest after that absorption.

Then, suddenly, the familiar pitter-patter of paws and heavy panting started to echo through the cavern.

Karnwyr.

So soon? She certainly didn't expect them to show up the very same day that she had left Falkreath. The courier must have retrieved the letter in the morning already and delivered it promptly to Bishop. He certainly worked fast.

Before she could disentangle herself from the bedroll, Karnwyr rushed over to her and licked her uncovered face a few times, eliciting a joyful giggle out of her. She missed him. It hadn't been that long since she saw him, but she still missed him. Both of them. She finally managed to get rid of the furs around her body and she embraced the wolf affectionately, nuzzling her head into the fur of his neck.

A few seconds later a loud 'thud' of a pack slumping to the ground made her startle and only then she noticed Bishop's black armor in her peripheral vision. She never even heard him approach due to that muffling ring he still wore all the time.

"Hey, sweetness," he nodded at her before he started to unbuckle his armor.

"Hey. You're here soon," she smiled at him in turn. Not that she was complaining. She was really glad to have him there already. She wasn't even thinking about the dragon anymore, not since she heard Karnwyr approach, knowing that Bishop was right on his heels.

"I was nearby, over by the Reach border," Bishop shrugged and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb in a vague westward direction. "Got your letter some time past noon."

Just as he got rid of his armor and sat down by the fire, facing her, Karnwyr disentangled himself from Aeyrin's embrace and, with one last lick to her face, he ran off out of the cavern, as if he was trying to give them space.

Bishop scowled as he watched the wolf leave. It was somehow a strange and unreadable expression on his face at that moment. Why was he scowling? He had just spent the whole day with Karnwyr, so Aeyrin doubted that he was missing his company already. She did a little. She missed the warmth and the affection, but it was not like Bishop couldn't provide that.

She kicked off the furs of her bedroll and scurried to sit closer to him. The stone ground proved too cold to her bare thighs, however, and she instantly changed her mind and moved herself to sit on his lap instead, nuzzling herself into his chest.

"You look like shit," Bishop scowled at her and gently brushed her loose hair from her face.

"Thanks…" she responded flatly. What was even his point? Why would he say that? It made her self-conscious. Of course it did! Was it on purpose? Why was he suddenly so morose?

Bishop let out an exasperated sigh at her lack of response and he cupped her cheek gently, pushing her face to force her to meet his gaze. Only now she could see that the scowl was more concerned than mean.

"What happened?" he asked.

She gently kissed his lips and gave him a reassuring smile. She was too tired to talk about the dragon. She didn't want to think about it anymore. About how frustrating it was, how discouraging it was to find herself so… weak. Again. After she had felt better just a little bit. Why couldn't it ever last?

She didn't want to think about it anymore.

She didn't want to think at all.

"Nothing… just… not enough sleep."

"You wanna just sleep?" Bishop gave her a somewhat sympathetic look, but he still seemed a bit upset for some reason. She couldn't fathom why. But if he was upset, prodding would only lead to a fight. She couldn't take fighting with him just then.

No. No more talking.

"Later," she whispered. She blushed slightly while she attempted to give him a suggestive smile – as if he didn't already know what she was implying when she pressed her body closer into his embrace. She kissed him again briefly before she moved her lips over his jaw eagerly.

Bishop raked his hand through her hair and pulled on it gently to make her look at him again.

"There's no rush, princess. You look like you haven't slept for days." His other hand brushed her hip gently while he eased his grip and stroked her hair. His expression was gentler now, but he still had that concerned scowl on his face.

It wasn't exactly true, she had slept the night before the last… well… a little, but the dragon did take a lot out of her. She still didn't want to sleep yet. She missed him and she wanted to make the most of their time together. No fighting, no talking about unpleasant things. Just… good thoughts. She really needed those now.

"I'm fine, Bish," she gave him a reassuring smile. She really hoped that it came out as reassuring as she had intended. "Come on, I don't wanna talk anymore."

Aeyrin didn't even see him scowl again as she went right back to kiss his jaw and neck eagerly. She pressed her body even closer to him again and whimpered softly whenever his stubble scratched her lips.

"I need you," her voice came out a little desperate and pleading.

Did she?

But how was he supposed to deny her? It wasn't as if he didn't want the same thing. He just… wanted more than that too.

He was so worried that she didn't want the same anymore, that this was really enough for her.

But at least it was something for now.

…

Aeyrin woke up with a start in the middle of the night.

It felt like it did before – a shock. A horrible painful shock. She must have dreamt about it, about the dragon again. She didn't remember her dream though. Sometimes that happened lately. Before, the nightmares would not leave her mind during her waking hours. She could still remember them at the back of her mind. But not today and not several times before that. Funny, she always remembered them when she was all alone. But sometimes when she woke up in Bishop's embrace, she couldn't recall a thing from them. She knew that she had them – just like now. There was a brief feeling of shock and fear when she awoke, but it always passed so quickly when she felt Bishop's warmth near her.

But not this time.

She may not have remembered the dream, but the feelings didn't go away.

She wasn't sure why she let the dragon fight affect her so much. It was just like any other, wasn't it? Shouldn't it have been? It may have felt different after that new Shout absorption, but it was nothing new, was it? She was in so much pain so many times before. She had passed out from it before.

But this time, she was there all alone. She could have died alone in the middle of the road. But that wasn't the worst part. She was feeling better. She really was. She had patched things up with Lydia, she was seeing Bishop much more often and she didn't think about everything bad that had ever happened or could ever happen to her anymore. Not that often at least. But why was this still getting worse? Why was she still so weak against these beasts? Paarthurnax had called it a 'battle of wills'. And now it just felt like all that resolve, the slowly regaining confidence, were a lie. Like she was just kidding herself. Like nothing had changed.

She nuzzled herself close into Bishop's flank and squeezed him around his form tightly.

It made her feel a little better. It always did.

He didn't even have to do anything – he was still fast asleep in the bedroll as she curled around him. Just being near him was enough for some reason. So comforting and reassuring. He always made her feel stronger and more resilient than she actually was.

She buried her face in his shoulder and concentrated on the warmth of his skin against hers.

He would have told her that she was being ridiculous. He would have told her that these things would happen – that sometimes she would be tired or weak or anything like that and the absorption would go poorly. It didn't mean that she wasn't making any progress. He would have worried incessantly behind those words but he wouldn't let it show.

She got the urge to wake him to just hear these words from him for real.

But he looked so peaceful, fast asleep like that. His rest was usually much lighter. She didn't have the heart to wake him. And his own calm served to calm her down a bit too.

She just wanted to stay like this. If only she didn't have to leave again. She had been dreading doing that all night.

Maybe she didn't have to. Maybe this time she would stay. Maybe this time she would just stay right here and never leave Bishop's side again. They would wake up in the morning and instead of her getting hurriedly dressed and bolting out of that cave, she would just stay curled in his arms. They could spend the whole day like that. Just… together. Resting, teasing, talking… and probably fighting. Again. And then it would only be worse than before.

What was she thinking? She knew how this went. She knew why she was leaving. What would she do if she lost him? What would she do if the patience waned, what if the resentment won over? She wouldn't even have this then. She couldn't stand the thought of losing him for good.

She couldn't stand the thought of losing someone she loved so much. Someone who always made her feel like all the stuff overwhelming her every day wasn't so bad.

No. They had these blissful moments together – no fighting, no danger of everything getting ruined. She needed to leave to preserve them.

As much as she hated leaving, she needed to.

Maybe… maybe she should leave right now in the middle of the night. Maybe it would be easier for Bishop not to have to say goodbye. She knew that he hated that part as much as she did.

Or maybe that would just make it worse, to disappear without a word.

It would certainly be worse for her. She didn't want to leave yet. She still had a few hours to enjoy his presence, even if he was just asleep. It didn't matter what they were doing, as long as they weren't fighting. She just wanted to be around him and not worry about losing everything.

Just a little while longer.

…

Bishop watched her with narrowed eyes as she buckled her armor plates on.

This was always the worst part.

She didn't even say one word to him after they woke up. She just gave him a brief peck on his lips and got out of the bedroll instantly.

He always fought with himself in a confusing mess of inner conflict. He was angry. At her for leaving again, for acting like she only needed him for the one thing. At himself for letting her leave, and at the same time for actually… causing all this. He was the one who ruined them.

He wanted to beg her to stay every time, and he wanted to yell at her for treating him like this. He wanted to apologize for everything he wrecked between them, but he's done that so many times before. It made no difference. Nothing did. Everything seemed… so hopeful that night when they agreed on this… 'arrangement'. Then it all went to shit again.

Why? He didn't understand it.

He tried to talk to her, tried to make sure she knew that he could offer her more than what she called on him for. But she did know that… it just seemed like she wasn't interested in that anymore.

Unfortunately, he knew that the more he pressed, the more he'd lose.

So he had no choice but to keep his mouth shut and watch her scurry away again.

He had to keep his mouth shut.

Keep. Your. Fucking. Mouth. Shut.

"Do you even realize how crappy this feels?" he growled angrily.

Fucking idiot. You should have kept your mouth shut.

"What does?" she didn't even look at him while she concentrated on buckling her armor.

"This! What the fuck do you think? Being treated like this," he snarled. It may have been one of the things that he thought he would never say in his life, but it did feel a bit better to actually say these words for some reason.

Aeyrin finally stopped fiddling with her armor and turned to him with a confused expression on her face. She looked really caught off guard just then. And even a little spooked.

"Treated like what?"

Was she trying to play dumb or was she really that oblivious to what he had meant?

"Seriously?! Like your personal stress reliever, what else?!" Bishop gritted his teeth. It was pretty much too late to not get into this now. With every word he wished that he hadn't said anything, but on the other hand, he couldn't keep quiet anymore.

Aeyrin stared at him for a while and tilted her head a bit to the side. She looked genuinely confused for a bit before her face flushed and she averted her eyes in a strange mixture of embarrassment and disappointment.

"I… I thought you wanted to. You… you don't want to do this anymore?" she stammered while she didn't look up at him at all. She just stared at the ground as her eyes darted from one random spot to another, trying to avoid him. She looked actually worried.

Fuck… that was unfair. She would not get to soften him with those looks of hers. He had already brought this up, he needed to get this off his chest.

"No!" He quickly realized what he just said when Aeyrin's eyes widened at him in shock. "I mean… yeah… of course I do, but… not just this. You made a whole fucking deal about how this wasn't 'just casual sex' yet here we are. I told you that I didn't want that! If I just wanted to fuck someone I could have just gone back to sleeping with strangers. It was definitely easier," he folded his arms across his chest and scoffed angrily. Good. He may have still dreaded what kind of fight this would spur, but it needed to be said.

"I-I… uh…" she seemed taken aback, like she didn't expect something like this at all. Was she serious? Did she really not see this? Did she really not realize that was exactly what their 'arrangement' turned into? "I… it… it didn't feel like 'just… that' for me," she avoided his eyes again, but her expression was surprisingly much more hurt than apologetic. "I'm… I'm sorry if it felt that way to you…."

What the actual fuck?

How did she manage to turn this against him? How did she manage to make him be the asshole here? She had to be doing this on purpose… this couldn't really be what she took from that, could it? Now he felt like he needed to reassure her that there was more to it for him, even if she was the one who was supposed to be reassuring him then!

Fuck, this was infuriating. How the fuck was he supposed to say anything else when he looked at those hurt glittering eyes of her, fastened to the ground somberly? How has she managed to make him feel bad about this?

"No… it… didn't," he sighed in defeat, but his words came out from behind gritted teeth.

"A-alright…" she nodded slowly. She didn't seem exactly convinced of that, but… maybe that was good. Maybe she would actually take some time to think about what he had said, to go over the way things have been going between them lately.

"I'm… sorry. Nothing's really… c-changed. I should… go," Aeyrin stammered. She still looked a little rattled and like she wanted to be anywhere else just then. But she still gave him a careful and uncertain look briefly. It even seemed a little pleading "We're… we're gonna see each other soon… r-right?" uncertain look.

He only nodded at her in response.

Well… at least there was still that. And maybe next time things would be different. Maybe she would take some time to think about all of this. Unless she actually did think about all this and determined that there shouldn't be a next time.

Fuck… he really should have kept his fucking mouth shut.

…

Bishop stared at the small note, conflicted.

He recognized it disturbingly well already. The hue of the paper, the size of the folds – he knew this was from Aeyrin.

After their last exchange, he hadn't heard from her for almost two weeks. Given the frequency with which she used to contact him during the previous month, it was definitely concerning. Especially because ever since he had decided to speak his fucking mind, he was agonizing over her finally deciding that the last vestiges of their relationship weren't worth saving.

She sounded like she wanted to see him again back then, but… things were left strangely unresolved. And since she had been quiet for so long, he assumed the worst.

He probably didn't want to even open that letter.

Its contents held yet another painful heartbreak without a doubt.

But he should just get this over with. Or… No! He should just remain in blissful ignorance. Maybe he could live out the rest of his life like this, always hoping that she would eventually come back to him.

Fuck, that was bleak. He hated what a fucking wreck he'd become without her. The last time he felt this shitty was right after Jules died. And then the next time after he was forced out of Elisie's life. It all felt the same. Losing someone important. Every time he had someone who actually felt like they would matter, like they would stick around, like… family… every time it all got fucked up and they left.

And every time this was because of Thorn.

Or maybe Bishop himself was to blame.

Fuck this shit! It was leading nowhere.

He opened the letter somewhat more angrily than was strictly necessary.

.

Bish, could we please meet? I'm in Dragon Bridge.

Love, Aeyrin.

.

Well… that was definitely better than he had feared. Maybe this time things really would be better. Maybe she really just needed time to think about everything.

He smiled a bit and stashed the letter into his pack.

He shouldn't have agonized over it so much; it hasn't even been that long.

He hated how insecure this constant uncertainty made him.

But hopefully, it would all get better soon.