Chapter XXV – Nothing's Changed

Aeyrin sat at the table, swirling the mead in her tankard nervously.

The last two weeks haven't been the easiest. Not that much had happened but… maybe that was the problem. At first, she had received a letter from Raven which suggested that maybe it would be necessary for her to follow yet another caravan because he and Karliah heard of no change in Maven and Mercer's association. Aeyrin was left with an uncertainty in that regard and it made her more than morose. Especially after what happened last time.

And therein laid the root of her problem. She felt… demotivated, lethargic. Even if she traveled like before, explored like before, it didn't feel the same. None of it filled her with the same purpose. Maybe it was as Vuaerion had suggested – she needed a new path, new purpose. But… how? And what? There were still things unfinished that required her walking this path and… she could not imagine herself doing anything else.

It wasn't the lack of goals… it was… her. There was constantly something that prevented her from getting herself back into the state of mind that she used to be in. Something that made her wander aimlessly through the wilderness and feel like she was accomplishing nothing, even though it was hardly that different from what she used to do. Something that made her shy away from people close to her, just because she didn't want to talk about how she felt.

Why could things just not go back to the way they were?

She let out a sigh and looked over the common room of the tavern.

She didn't like that place, there were too many soldiers around. It was like staying at a military outpost. And she knew that they were often talking about her. It was impossible to keep her identity a secret so close to Solitude.

They were all talking about her and that paladin that poisoned her and framed her companion.

She had to admit, she would have found that interesting too if it involved strangers. No wonder those rumors were still alive and circulating.

She wished that Bishop would get there already.

She wrote to him after her first night at the inn. She wasn't planning on it – she wanted to keep away for a while. Last time they saw each other got a little… hurtful. She wasn't sure if it was a tactic on his part or if their time together really meant so little to him. Although neither of those rang true in her head. She still wasn't sure what happened, but it was obvious that this was just the same thing over and over again – the more time they spent together, the more likely they were to fight.

She didn't want that. She was so afraid of them ruining their relationship for good like that. They probably needed time apart, so that they missed each other and were concentrated on nothing but enjoying their time together when they reunited. She was so tired of the fights. She hadn't expected him to try and pick one the last time. She thought that he was tired of them too.

She wanted to give it a little more time. She really thought that it would do them good.

But she missed him too much. And the second she started to feel scrutinized with all the soldiers there, instead of moving on to a different place, she couldn't help but write to him.

She needed him.

His presence always made anything bad more bearable.

She wasn't exactly sure why she didn't just leave Dragon Bridge instead, why it felt like she needed an excuse to see him.

The whole idea of seeking 'shelter in his arms' may have gotten too instinctive. Every little thing that made her feel bad at the same time made her needy for his embrace.

Was it strange that the second she started to feel overwhelmed she got a little excited too.

She had a valid reason to see him after all, right?

…

Bishop weaved through the small group of drunken soldiers blocking the entrance to the Four Shields and quickly slipped inside.

He spotted Aeyrin staring into her tankard absentmindedly by one of the more secluded tables. She looked kind of morose. That wasn't a good sign. He was kind of hopeful that this time would be better than all the others, if not by her staying longer, then at least by… he didn't even know. He didn't know what he expected. Back then, before they officially agreed to meeting like this, back near Ivarstead, it all felt different. It was painful to know that she would leave in the morning, but at least when she was there, he actually felt like she was there to be with him, to talk to him, to feel comfortable with him. But after that, it all just felt like all his previous… acquaintances – a meaningless indulgence. A stress relief.

A year ago, he wouldn't have minded one bit. He wasn't sure if this was a preferable state. It would have been if he had her to enjoy his hopeless attachment. But like this, he just wished that he could go back to not caring again.

He really hoped that it would change tonight. That if nothing else, things would at least be like they were back near Ivarstead. He was so hopeful then.

But her expression suggested otherwise.

Maybe she called him there to end things for good.

With a heavy breath, he headed towards the table. Her eyes spotted him only when he was right in front of her and her face lit up with a relieved smile.

Huh… alright… that was a good sign.

He leaned down to brush a brief kiss on her lips before he sat down to face her. She didn't pull back during the exchange. In fact, she seemed to want to prolong it, but the second their lips parted, she looked around the room nervously and hung her head low.

"What's going on?" he raised his brow at her. He had a hard time reading her. She acted all eager to see him and then she got so nervous.

"Nothing… I'm glad you're here," she smiled at him again, but it came out a little weak. "Let's go to my room."

Bishop scowled at her when she said that and shook his head a second later. "I need to get something to eat."

"We can order something to be brought to the room. Come on, I… I don't want to stay here," her eyes darted towards a few of the soldiers in the common room. It felt like they were all staring at her now that she was no longer alone. She was sure that they were already coming up with elaborate stories to fuel their gossip. The soldiers may have been worse than the nobles.

Bishop looked over his shoulder briefly in the direction she was staring in. There was nothing there – just the regular tavern full of patrons. Mostly soldiers, but that was hardly surprising with the outpost nearby.

He raised his brow at her again.

If, for whatever reason, she was uncomfortable there, why even stay at the inn? She must have been here for a while now, waiting for him to show up.

"Why did you want to meet here?" he frowned at her again.

"I just… I was staying here for the night and I wanted to see you. So I waited here longer. What kind of a question is that?" she shook her head at him but her eyes still darted to the other patrons.

"You obviously don't want to be here. What is it?" he pried further.

She was in no mood to discuss the rumormongers again. She's had enough of the looks in Whiterun and she foolishly hoped that a small village like Dragon Bridge would be spared of the politics of paladins and their schemes. She especially didn't want to think about her poisoning and who could have been behind it.

"Bish, I don't wanna talk. Please, just come," she gave him a weak encouraging smile and rose from her seat without waiting for his answer.

Bishop remained in his chair for a few more seconds, staring into nothing with a scowl on his face. He wasn't even sure if he felt angry or just… defeated.

Finally, he rose from his seat and turned towards her. She was already across the room, leaning on the door to one of the rooms with an anxious expression.

He expected a lot of things. He expected her to end things. He expected… no… hoped that she would finally actually talk to him about their relationship. But for some unfathomable reason, he was naïve enough not to expect it all to be the same as during the past month and a half.

It seemed like nothing's changed.

…

When the door closed behind them Aeyrin helped him unbuckle and take off his armor hastily.

They were done in almost record time and she led him straight to the bed and ushered him to sit down. She was straddling his lap practically a second later.

She nuzzled her head into his neck with a contented smile and pressed her hands against his chest. Gods, how she missed him. She could just stay like that forever – close to him. Anything that bothered her before seemed like a distant memory now.

She didn't want to even think about the soldiers outside but at least their loud revelry made her less self-conscious about enjoying the night at the small inn.

Bishop started to eagerly stroke over her back and pressed her closer to himself. His hands roamed lower across her back and to her backside right away and he squeezed her a few times before he lowered his head to hers and his lips captured her in a passionate kiss.

She missed those hungry touches so much. Lately he never seemed that eager at first until they've been gently touching and exploring each other for a while. Tonight, she could immediately feel the familiar intensity in his touch that she loved so much, the uncontrolled passion that always overwhelmed her.

He kissed her for a long time, his tongue teasingly running over her lower lip accompanied by the occasional nips of his teeth. His hands traveled up her back, but he didn't make an attempt to undress her yet. Instead, one of his hands moved towards her face, cupping her cheek, before he ran two fingers over her lower lip. Her lips parted almost subconsciously and he gently slid his fingers in between them, touching her tongue softly. She sucked on the tips of his fingers, coaxing them to move languidly in and out of her mouth. Her tongue never stopped licking around his digits but, soon after, Bishop withdrew and instead he rested both his hands on her shoulders and gently pressed down on them in a suggestive gesture.

Aeyrin let out a soft giggle at the gesture, her face bright red. She disentangled herself from him and knelt between his knees on the ground quickly.

She started to untangle the strings of his trousers eagerly until she managed to free him from his confines. She pulled his cock out of the clothes and started to run her hand over its length, teasing the tip with her thumb.

Bishop let out a low groan when she continued teasing his cock, already hard at her touch. She bent her head down a moment later and slowly pressed her tongue on the tip of his shaft, licking it in slow deliberate motions.

Encouraged by his low moans, she enveloped the head of his cock with her lips and started to suck on him gently. She moved deeper in, her tongue always moving, and soon enough she started to bop her head back and forth while her teeth occasionally grazed his flesh with faint careful contact.

Bishop gripped the sheets below him with both hands in order to stop himself from grabbing her hair and controlling her motions. The groans he let out became increasingly louder and more labored as she worked himself in and out on him.

She huffed through her nostrils as she picked up the pace, her breath tickling him slightly and making him twitch. She ran her hands across his thighs and pressed her fingers into them as she took him in deeper, moving in shallower and quicker bops.

He moved his hands back and gripped on the sheets again, shifting his position. He started to meet her by thrusting his hips a bit, making it somewhat harder for her to keep up the pace. She huffed again in effort and ran his tongue under him as much as she could. One of her hands moved to the base of his cock to stroke the parts of him that weren't enveloped by her lips. His cock was already throbbing intensely in her mouth.

He bucked again with a loud grunt and came inside her mouth. She quickly slid back out a bit, still keeping her lips around his tip as she swallowed. It took a while before his body eased from the tension and she let him slip out of her mouth, trying to steady her heavy breaths.

It felt like quite a long time passed before Aeyrin got up from her knees unceremoniously and sat down on the bed next to him. Her face was flushed bright red and she was still panting, but she gave him an affectionate smile as she moved a bit closer to him on the bed and began to gently nuzzle herself into his side.

Bishop let out one last deep breath as his body calmed down, but instead of moving his attention to her, he quickly readjusted himself and tucked his cock back into his trousers, fastening them back up again.

"Thanks, sweetness. That was nice." He got up on his feet, making her stagger a bit as the support of his body next to her was suddenly gone and, with a completely stony expression, he promptly moved to the door to pick up his discarded armor and pack. "I should probably go now."

As she still remained in the same stunned position on the bed, Aeyrin's eyes went wide and she stared at him in utter shock and confusion.

"W-what?"

"What's wrong?" he asked her, feigning confusion. His face betrayed nothing but the constant stony expression.

"You… you're leaving?" she still wasn't capable of forming more words properly as she gaped at him.

"Why not? You were gonna leave in a couple of hours anyway, right? What's the difference?" he folded his arms across his chest. His armor was already stashed and his pack was on his back. He was all but out of the door.

"The… the difference? I… d-don't you want to spend time together?" her brows creased and her face became laced with worry and insecurity.

No, not this time.

He was not going to let her soften him up with those sad eyes this time. She wanted to do things this way.

"We did. Nothing's changed, right?" his cold scowl pierced her unpleasantly as her own words were spat back at her. His tone even sounded a bit… malicious.

"I… well … but…" before she could stammer out anything more coherent, he nodded determinedly and gave her a frighteningly disinterested stare.

"Then we'll see each other soon, princess," he turned on his heel and opened the door. He was out of the room in a second and his abrupt exit was punctuated by a loud slam. Aeyrin jumped up at the sound, still sitting on the bed in shock.

What just happened?

She… didn't want him to leave.

She had to go after him.

…

Aeyrin quickly rushed down the trail. She could see him already down by the bridge.

Bishop turned around when he heard the fast steps behind him, but remained just standing there as he folded his arms across his chest again.

She stopped a hair's breadth away from him and stared at him for a while before she managed to stammer something out: "Bishop, please don't leave. Why are you doing this?"

He raised his brows at her as if the question genuinely surprised him, before he scowled again. This time his expression was far from cold. The anger was very palpable on his face.

"Why wouldn't I leave?!" he barked at her. She was suddenly very unsure of what to say. Why should he?

"Because I… I want you to stay… please?" she recoiled from him a bit when she saw his scowl deepen at her words.

He scoffed and shook his head in disbelief before snapping at her again: "So?! You sure as fuck don't seem to care what I want, why should I care what you want?!"

"What are you talking about?" she threw her hands up in confused exasperation.

Was she fucking serious?

"I told you, I don't wanna be used like this! But apparently, you took sweet fuck-all from that, so I don't really see a good reason to stay," his fists clenched hard subconsciously as he continued to stare at her in anger.

"'Used'?" she shook her head at him again in confusion. He had said it before too, but… she thought that they both agreed that this wasn't just about some… 'stress relief'. Was it so hard to understand that she just didn't want to fight again? Was it so hard to believe that she just wanted to be near him without being afraid of messing things up? This was what happened when they talked. Why was he still forcing them to? And… did he not want to be with her? To distract each other from their worries? Spending the night in his arms always made her feel better. She thought that it was the same for him. Did it really matter that much to him that they didn't talk? To him? "You're such a hypocrite. As if you never wanted to be with someone to… to get away from everything. As if you didn't have plenty of your 'acquaintances' who you just left without ever even talking to them!"

"It's not the same!" he yelled at her. He… seemed to look somewhat hurt by that statement. "I assure you, sweetness, none of them has ever cared if I left. I care if you do! Do you seriously see this the same way? As some random series of one-night stands that might as well be with anyone? You seriously don't think that there's anything more to…" He took a breath instead of continuing. Suddenly his anger dissipated as he stopped himself. The frighteningly cold stare was back on his face and he shook his head at her, signaling his refusal to go on with this conversation.

"Fuck this. I'm… I'm done," a hint of hurt flashed across his face before he turned his back to her and started walking across the bridge.

She stared after him, completely taken off guard.

She didn't follow this time.

…

Aeyrin prepared her bedroll in her small campsite overlooking Dragon Bridge.

Despite the lack of a warm bed and good morning meal, this was definitely preferable to returning back to the inn that night.

She sniffled as she set down on the bedroll to warm herself on the meager fire she had set up there.

The evening was… trying.

She still had an uncomfortable lump in her throat and, at times, tears slipped from her eyes involuntarily again. She felt like she had been sobbing there in her lonely little camp for hours now.

She regretted her last words to him so much.

She wasn't even upset at Bishop. Not at what he had said to her or at him leaving like that. Not at the outburst. Why would she be? The thing she was most upset about just then was that… that she wasn't with him anymore.

He was right.

She had treated him horribly without ever even realizing it.

Gods, what was wrong with her? He told her. He told her exactly how he felt, how he hated having them spend nights like that, with barely a word exchanged and then parting away instantly in the morning. And she didn't listen. Because it never felt like she was hurting him by that. It was better than fighting, right? It was so nice to let herself be distracted by him, but it was not about sex, she never meant to make him think that she only ever needed him for that. She needed him just for his presence alone and for the comfort it brought her. She was so adamant about avoiding talking about anything only because she was afraid that it would ruin things and she would not have that comfort anymore.

She was so scared of destroying what they had by staying.

But she only did that by leaving.

Gods… those hurt looks on his face were heartbreaking. How could she have not realized what she was doing to him?

She has been so preoccupied with herself.

She has let every little thing rattle her, wallowing in self-pity so much that she ignored everyone around her. She was only focused on her own misery.

And for what?

Why did she let everything get to her so much?

She even suspected that she was doing it on purpose, just so that she could rationalize seeing him.

When she really just wanted to see him.

Why was she even looking for a reason? He wanted to see her too. He wanted to be with her too. She could have just asked him. Why did she even want to leave? What did it help? She didn't want to fight anymore and neither did he. At least not back when she wasn't treating him like this.

It hurt to leave and yet she kept doing it. Why? They didn't fight because they talked, they fought because they hurt each other. Before, it was about broken trust and secrets, but not anymore. Now it was different.

She knew that she trusted him and she couldn't even find it in herself to be angry at him for the lies and manipulations. She knew that he was in a horrible situation and that he would never do that to her otherwise. She had forgiven him for it a long time ago. Why hadn't she realized that sooner? Why did she still insist on this stupid 'system'. That was what made them fight now.

Divines, she was so stupid. Why didn't she talk to him when she wanted to? She was always afraid that it would be hard, but she knew that if there was anyone who would make her feel better about anything bad, it was him.

She should have stopped this a long time ago.

She should have stayed a long time ago. It would have spared them both so much pain if they could have just gotten through this together.

She curled into her bedroll and tried to wipe the tears streaming from her face again. It was no use. More would pour out soon enough.

Whenever she got like this, she couldn't stop thinking how comforting it was to let Bishop comfort her in her sorrow. But that wouldn't happen anymore.

Now she's driven him off completely with her selfish behavior.

The damage was done.

She needed to make things right, she needed to tell him why she had treated him like this and to tell him that, for her, their time together always meant so much more than what it seemed.

She needed to stop running from everything. She needed to stop herself from going down this endless spiral again. Every time she felt like she moved on from her current state even a little bit, she got lethargic and stopped moving forward.

She didn't know where he went. She couldn't find him now anyway and… she was scared to. She needed to calm down first and he needed that too. He wouldn't want to hear her apologies now.

Right now, he probably never wanted to see her again.

Why would he?

She just hoped that there was still a chance. She didn't want to run and hide anymore. She knew what she wanted, even if she had realized it too late.

She kept thinking about how much she wanted things to go back to the way they were, but she kept driving away the one person that could always make her feel better about anything.

She wanted him back for so long. Back for good. By her side, to share adventures and journeys together. She wanted to be with him more than anything. Why did she ignore this for so long?

No more. She was done being stupid and inconsiderate. Thorn and his ilk would not get to break her like this.

She will do everything to make things right again.

Hopefully it wasn't too late.