Aeyrin looked at the small mailbox with a frown, her hand that held the thick envelope hesitated.
She wrote it all down. All of it. Everything that happened with the bounty on her head, with Faldaen, everything that happened to her in Falkreath. Everything that she was going through, all her fears and all her stubbornness to run away from her past.
She wrote about everything that Bishop had done, what he had hidden from her and why and… she wrote about how much she regretted not trying to move on from it sooner. How much she missed him and how much she wished that things had turned out differently.
In his last letter, Master Therien was concerned about all the things she had left unsaid. She was insufferably vague – she only wanted to reassure him that she was alive and to apologize for disregarding his fears.
Now she just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to listen. And it was easier through a letter, she thought at first. She was wrong. Putting the words down on the paper was more painful than she had imagined. But she needed to do it. It didn't matter anymore if she was ready. She couldn't run anymore.
She needed to move on.
The world didn't wait for her, and her stubbornness only hurt those she loved the most.
She was so stupid. Always clinging to the idea that she would one day go back to the way things were.
There was no such thing.
There was only moving forward and learning to live with her past.
And somehow, it was comforting. Instead of retreating to her old comforts, instead of using people that she loved to hide away from her issues, she needed to face them. And she would. And she would come out stronger for it.
She did so before, she could do it again.
She'd been so afraid of everything. Scared of ruining her relationship with Bishop, even scared of facing dragons or some stupid rumors. She had always worked so hard on overcoming all this and she even succeeded at times. She couldn't go back to wallowing in self-pity. She needed to keep working on this, no matter what. That was the only way to move on.
Maybe at times she would be weak, maybe she would suffer, maybe things would get hard to overcome, but that was alright. It was part of life. She needed to learn to be alright with it, her fears, her weaknesses, they were all part of her and she needed to learn to live with them, not ignore them.
This was a good step. She had spent over a day in her camp near Dragon Bridge, wallowing in her regrets. But no more. Instead of that, she would try to fix her mistakes as best as she could. She had received a letter from Karliah this afternoon, after she had spent the night composing her words to Master Therien and then sleeping in to make up for the time spent agonizing over it, and it forced her to pack up her camp and get moving.
She would go back to the meadery soon. And after she found out what Karliah needed, there were other things to concentrate on.
Like reaching out to Bishop. She just hoped that he would listen to her after what happened.
With a determined sigh she stuffed the hefty envelope into the mailbox.
This was the right choice.
And it did feel a little better.
…
"Aeyrin. You made it just in time," Karliah inclined her head in greeting and motioned for her to join her in by the table in the familiar attic room at the meadery.
Raven was scurrying around the room quickly, rummaging through drawers and stuffing various things into his travel pack. His dark armor was laid out on his bed along with his bow and daggers. He was obviously preparing for a mission.
Aeyrin got the letter from Karliah about 'needing assistance' a day ago – the journey took some time, since she got delayed by a persistent group of frostbite spiders and she needed to stop by the inn in Rorikstead to clean her armor of their pesky webs. That took a lot of time as well and she stayed for the night in the end – it was too late to travel then, and Karliah would surely not expect her that early anyway.
For once, Aeyrin was actually excited for a new mission, for some adventure. She just hoped it wouldn't involve more dragons.
"What's going on?" she sat down by the table without even removing her armor first.
"First, the good news," Karliah nodded. "You mission was a success and Maven withdrew her support from Mercer. She says that she will not sponsor the operation that actively coaxes people into killing you and risking the dragons getting out of control," she smiled at Aeyrin proudly. "It doesn't mean that she will help us… she's still sour over how much we had cost her, but at the very least, her and Mercer's association is over. Hopefully for good."
That was a relief. No more chasing caravans at least. In his last letter, Raven made it sound like this wasn't over yet. Aeyrin was really glad that he was wrong.
"That's great. And… the bad news?" Aeyrin asked with an uncertain expression. It rarely all went so smoothly and Karliah's ominous greeting made her suspicious that something went wrong.
"No bad news. A mission offer. We're planning another assault. And we could use some muscle," Karliah winked at her conspiratorially.
"'Muscle'? Don't you have enough muscle?" Aeyrin chuckled in response. Karliah had enough thugs to assault three large bandit lairs at once back then during the events in Falkreath. Although… they did mention that a lot of them were Maven Black-Briar's men and mercenaries.
"Not anymore I don't," Karliah shook her head regretfully. "Not after our attack on the bandit clans. The losses were significant, but we have managed to persevere on two fronts, as you know. Now there is still the issue of the Lost Knife caverns. We kind of hoped that without Thorn's leadership, the clan would go back to the way it usually was – attacking other bandits, warring over clan leadership and such. We thought that Thorn's vicious tactics would die with him and the majority of his men. But… we were wrong. Turns out, Thorn's men are surprisingly loyal to his legacy. And… vengeful," Karliah sighed.
"Oh yeah, I noticed," Aeyrin scoffed.
Raven suddenly stopped his preparations and rushed towards them. He gave Aeyrin a decidedly worried expression and a questioning look.
"You were attacked?" Karliah voiced his question.
"Yes. I was traveling with a group of Vigilants of Stendarr around the Rift. It was near where Lost Knife is. The bandits ambushed us on the road. One of them started to yell at me about avenging Thorn or some such. They were also after the bounty," Aeyrin explained.
"They attacked the Vigilants along with the Dragonborn?" Karliah raised her brows. "Night Mistress's mercy, they're even more daring than I thought."
Raven sat down at the table and gently placed his hand on Aeyrin's with another concerned look.
What? He was fine with sending her against dragons yet a bandit ambush was so worrisome?
"I obviously survived, Raven," she smirked at him a little. Although she wished that she could have said the same about all the Vigilants.
"Aye. Good. Hopefully the area will be safer soon," Karliah nodded. "As I've said, we're planning another assault and we could use your help with it. We want to dispose of the bandits remaining at Lost Knife before they, Lady Luck forbid, re-bolster their numbers and start recruiting other clans to mimic Thorn's reign all over again," she explained. "But… after the initial assaults, the security of Lost Knife was, understandably, nudged up to drastic measures. The bandits remained there, waiting for our assault, and they reinforced the caverns with deadly traps which even they couldn't get past. We needed to wait until the tensions eased and the bandits started their raids again. We need to catch them unaware."
"At the same time, we know that the multi-pronged assault has proven effective. We already know that Mercer spared no expense on bolstering the security of his other operations after our attack, regardless of the loss of profits. So… our best tactic is to attack multiple operations at once, spreading our forces a bit."
Gods, this sounded like an outright war already. Aeyrin never suspected that taking down one guild of thieves would ever be this convoluted, but with how much assistance and loyalty Mercer had garnered over the years, she should hardly be surprised.
It felt like they were dismantling the whole Skyrim underworld.
Although… that was probably naïve wishful thinking. And it wasn't as if they weren't replacing the thieves and thugs in power with new ones.
"Have you heard of the smuggling operation in Winterhold?" Karliah asked Aeyrin uncertainly, eliciting a brief nod in response. Bishop had mentioned the smugglers in his letter when he was warning her about whom to avoid. "They have been steadily trying to get some access to the College and their treasures. I cannot allow this, of course. If they found out that Enthir is working for me… well… not only is he a dear friend, but I cannot risk them getting their hands on all the progress he has made with Gallus's journal. So I had my men finally track them down to their hideout."
"So you want to attack Lost Knife and the Winterhold hideout at the same time?" Aeyrin pondered – it was more of a rumination than an actual question.
"Aye, precisely. Most of my men will be concentrating on Lost Knife. The men there are trained and vicious and they need to be given extra attention. A small team led by Raven will assault the Winterhold hideout."
"So you want me to join your men at Lost Knife," again Aeyrin tried to guess her plan.
This time, however, she was instantly met with disagreement. Raven even started to shake his head frantically with horror in his eyes.
"I can handle myself!" Aeyrin gave him an accusing look. What was with him? He wasn't all that concerned about her capabilities a while ago.
"No, Aeyrin. I won't be risking that," Karliah shook her head resolutely. "With you there, the assault turns from a battle into a bounty hunt. Every one of those men will be after you. And I don't have to tell you how unpleasant of a fate would await you should they succeed. Who do you think trained those men? Who do you think taught them how to treat their captives?"
Well… maybe Karliah had a point. She probably shouldn't be so overzealous about her newfound attempts at confidence. It might not end well and they could turn out irrationally suicidal.
"We could use your help in Winterhold though," Karliah smiled at her encouragingly. "Raven's heading there in a few hours."
Raven gave her an eager inviting smile instantly.
"Hey, it's not dragons or politics, I'm happy," Aeyrin shrugged with a light chuckle. It did feel good to be asked to help out with something like this rather than another mission that would require her 'special powers' or the, in her opinion, non-existent political pull.
Karliah smirked in response before she gave her a satisfied nod.
"Good. Raven will brief you and you can head out soon."
…
Being on the road with someone by her side again was rather strange.
Not in a bad way. Aeyrin enjoyed the company, even the silent one. It was much more comfortable than traveling alone. She could relax, at least a little, knowing that there was someone who had her back, and she had someone to talk to about the sights around or any other idle chatter. She missed that.
But more than anything, traveling like this made her miss Bishop even more than before.
She couldn't stand the way things had ended. She knew that she had messed up, like he had before, but she still hoped that if she apologized and explained, that he would forgive her. She hoped that he would still want her back.
She wanted him back. Without question.
There would be no more hesitation, no more obsessing over fights that didn't happen yet, no worrying about ruining their relationship for good.
Bishop was right. There was always a potential for disaster and tragedy. She couldn't live like this, avoiding things and people she loved only because she was worried she would lose them. And she had seen it now – avoiding talking only brought on more fighting. It wasn't a solution. It was so stupid of her to assume that it would help. It made everything worse.
But she knew that now, and she was determined to try and fix that mistake. She wanted nothing more than to have him by her side for good for such a long time. She was an idiot for not allowing herself to accept it sooner.
But there was nothing that she could do about the past. But she could still try to make the future better.
And for probably the first time in long agonizing months, she wasn't afraid to try and get what she actually wanted.
Raven stopped her in her tracks suddenly by outstretching his arm in front of her midsection.
They made good time – they were already past the mountains north of Whiterun, in the snowy regions. The night had already fallen, however, and the fast pace had taken its toll.
Raven pointed towards a nearby cliffside where a crevice of a cavern entrance awaited them.
Nightgate Inn was not that far away, but Aeyrin noticed that whenever Raven traveled, he kept his face hidden under a cloak and he seemed to disappear whenever they even neared other travelers on the road. Was he wanted by the law? Or was this because of Mercer? Everyone did call him a spy… maybe it was just part of it? Maybe he couldn't let himself be seen with Aeyrin and reveal his alliances.
Did Mercer even know that Raven worked for Karliah?
In any case, the attacks were scheduled for the next evening – they had plenty of time to get some sleep. They only needed to pass Nightgate Inn the next day, continue along the path leading north-east and find their destination near the shore – an old abandoned mine south of Winterhold.
Aeyrin nodded at him with a tired smile and they both headed into the cavern for some rest. It was the best option – she was rather relieved that she didn't have to face that innkeeper after the scene she had caused there last time.
The cave was small and fortunately empty – a perfect place to hide from the snow and hopefully to remain undisturbed. Setting up a campsite was also decidedly easier with two people on the job and soon enough, the fire was roaring in the middle of the cavern, giving Aeyrin some reprieve from the cold winds outside.
"So… how good of a cook are you?" She gave Raven a hopeful smile.
Raven turned to her with a disappointing shake of his head accompanied by a wry grimace.
"Oh well… guess it's my bland food for tonight then," she smirked in response. Another reason why she really missed Bishop, although, granted, not as important one. No to mention the distinct lack of fresh meat for her meals ever since she didn't even have Karnwyr around to bring them the occasional hare when Bishop was too lazy or preoccupied to hunt.
She started to prepare some leeks and potatoes that she still had in her pack. It wouldn't be much, but it was better than nothing. She was sorely in need of more supplies for some time now. This mission kind of interrupted that plan. Although, this mission had already interrupted a lot of her plans. Well… probably just one more. She still hadn't written to Bishop, but she was thinking about what to write for a long time now.
She worried a lot that he would just ignore it.
She placed the food into a pot and prepared the prop stick before she sat down on her bedroll, waiting.
The lack of movement soon made her a bit colder again. The cave was too small to hide entirely from the outside temperatures and without her armor on, even the fire wasn't sufficient.
She reached out for her pack and started to look for her fur cloak, but before she could locate it, she felt a warm cloth wrap over her shoulders, along with two very warm hands, squeezing her briefly.
She gently patted one of his hands in gratitude, although the gesture was hardly necessary. Raven withdrew his hands from her, but he didn't move again to the other side of the fireplace. Instead, he stayed there. He sat back down onto the ground, right next to her, and he nuzzled into her a bit in an attempt to warm her up.
It was nice. His body heat felt nice, but… after what happened last time, not to mention the night that she had spent in his bed, she couldn't help but be a bit uncomfortable with such attention. She felt guilty for kissing him. Maybe it meant much more to him than it did to her. Yet another reminder of how callous she'd been with those around her.
As she was lost in her thoughts, staring into the fire, she felt Raven's hand tentatively wrap around her waist and, suddenly, he bent his head down to plant a soft careful kiss on her shoulder. When she turned her head to look at him in surprise, their eyes met – he looked apprehensive and uncertain, searching her face for any indication of whether he could continue.
"R-Raven… no," she moved slightly away from him and he instantly flinched and removed himself from her. He quickly scrambled towards his pack to fish out his notepad and charcoal.
She feared that his note would contain the same thing it did after she left his bed that night – that he would again give her that look full of pity and blamed her apprehension on Thorn. She'd had enough of that.
"Raven, I'm really sorry about that night, about… about initiating things. I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't exactly thinking straight and I didn't consider… how it could hurt our friendship," she quickly let the words out before he could finish his note and she bit her lower lip nervously, waiting for his reaction.
Raven's eyes left his paper and he watched her for a while. He then concentrated back on his notepad as he scratched out whatever he had written before and scribbled something new. She couldn't make out the crossed out part at all when he showed her the note.
.
You don't have to be sorry about that. We could be more than friends.
.
She was afraid of such an answer. He made no secrets of his affections and she selfishly gave him false hope because she was lonely. Surprisingly enough, she didn't feel flustered or caught off guard by his suggestion. Ever since that awkward hug near Whiterun, she expected this. And she definitely expected this when they set off together, alone. It was much easier to deal with this calmly and coherently when she knew exactly what she wanted to say.
"I'm really sorry, Raven," she sighed and shook her head regretfully.
His eyes looked at her searchingly, as if asking for a reason. As if he really couldn't have guessed already.
"I love him, I never stopped."
Raven's brows creased at that instantly. His expression was full of disdain and perhaps even hatred. Those two were really antagonistic lately.
Aeyrin waited again until he scribbled something down again, rather more forcefully this time.
.
I thought you left him.
.
"I left him, now he left me," she scoffed. She certainly didn't feel like divulging all the ups and downs of their current relationship. "It's complicated."
Raven raised his brows in surprise and pointed at her, as if to assure that Bishop really left her.
Aeyrin lowered her eyes with a slow nod. She still wished so much that she had realized how stupid she was being a lot sooner.
"I hurt him too much," she almost whispered, but there was no chance that Raven didn't catch that in the small cavern.
Raven's scowl was still permanently etched on his face as he turned the notepad towards her again.
.
He hurt YOU too much.
.
"That's true. He had a reason. I had a reason too. And I listened to him and… eventually, I understood and I forgave him. Now I can only hope he will listen to me," she sighed and looked down into the fire again. After all that they have been through, there had to be a way to finally recover from all this, right?
Please, let this not be really over.
Her thoughts were interrupted by another one of Raven's hasty scribbles.
.
You deserve better.
.
"'Better'." She narrowed her eyes at the words. It was a bold statement from him… especially since, just a few seconds ago, he was suggesting that they become 'more than friends'. "Like who?" she scoffed deliberately.
He scowled again and started to write down his thoughts. He still had such disdain for Bishop… they almost seemed to have buried the hatched before Falkreath, but everything got ruined there.
Everything.
Raven turned his notepad towards her promptly with a deep frown.
.
Like someone who didn't constantly lie to you and lead you blind into danger.
.
Aeyrin knew that he would write that.
"You lied to me, Raven. You knew. You could have told me everything. Back at the meadery, in the back rooms, you could have told me and no one would even know – no one could threaten you, or try to shut you up. And yet… you didn't," she shook her head at him disapprovingly. She understood why. She blamed Bishop for the secrets much more than Raven and Karliah. She even blamed Lydia more than the two rogues, for some reason. Maybe because she came to expect these schemes from them, she was used to getting only half of the truth from them. But if he wanted to use that as a reason to be with him rather than try to patch things up with Bishop, he had to do better than that. "And yet you suggest we should be more."
Raven looked down onto his pad, but this time he didn't start to write a thing. She certainly didn't expect to make him feel bad about this, but the words just came out. It was no wonder – his words made her angry. And she couldn't stop herself from laying the cards on the table.
She did want to stop running from every issue.
"You know, at least Bishop didn't treat me with pity like everyone else did. At least he got angry at me when I hurt him, when I screwed things up, instead of just excusing my actions because 'I've had enough problems'," she gave him a somewhat accusing glance. It wasn't really just Raven and his looks of pity and his insinuations that her reluctance to being 'more than friends' with him had anything to do with Thorn. Lydia treated her the same way. But at least Bishop called her out on it. She wasn't sure if she would have ever realized how she was treating people if he didn't.
Raven scowled again and the familiar disdainful look returned to his face. That could only mean that he didn't approve of Bishop's honesty in that regard.
.
Don't you deserve some leniency? People are allowed to act out when they have been through much. He has no right to make you feel bad about it.
.
"When everyone makes excuses for me, I start to make them too and… then I'm just… playing the victim and ignoring people around me. I don't wanna be that," she shook her head at him. She had always been taught to think of how her actions affected others. She would not let a monster like Thorn ruin that conviction. Not anymore.
Raven nodded at her again and creased his brows again with an all too familiar look – one of pity. Did he even realize he was doing it?!
"Don't you see what you're doing, Raven?!" she snapped at him, making him jump up slightly in surprise. "It infuriates me! Why do you do that? It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I should be pitied. I'm not the only one who suffered. Divines, I didn't even suffer his sick treatment for long. Not for years like Bishop did. Not like those two… that Sapphire and the other guy. Not like Jules did. Why am I the only one who gets these pity looks from you?!"
Raven didn't answer her. He looked so guilty and crestfallen. She almost felt bad about snapping at him like that, but it needed to be said. Who knew how long those looks would last otherwise?
There was a long moment of silence. Raven seemed to ponder something deeply before he started to slowly and deliberately scribble something down. He hesitated for a while before he showed her the words.
.
I never meant to make you feel bad, I'm sorry. And you're right. I did lie to you. I'm partly to blame. And I don't know how to act around you. I thought I was being sympathetic.
.
Aeyrin shook her head at his admission. Of course she knew that there was nothing malicious behind it. As if he even needed to justify that. But taking the blame on himself was not right, not even a part of it. Enough was enough, all this constant bickering about who caused this tear in their lives, it was pointless and exhausting. She blamed herself, Bishop, the people that kept up the lie… what good did it do? None of them had caused this. Everyone just tried to deal with the shitstorm in front of them in the best ways that they could.
"I'm so sick of this blaming game. Raven, there are only two people to blame for what happened. One of them is dead. And soon, the other will follow," she nodded at him determinedly.
Raven gave her a grateful, affectionate smile before answering with an equally determined nod.
"Then can we please move on?" She threw her head back dramatically in exasperation and was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from Raven.
He discarded his notepad and charcoal and suddenly crawled back towards her. He enveloped her in his arms momentarily in a warm friendly hug.
This time, there was nothing strange or uncomfortable about it.
In fact, it felt like another weight was lifted from her. Maybe soon more weight would follow.
Raven let go of her with a wry smile. They enjoyed the brief moment of companionable silence until he raised his brow suddenly and pointed sharply towards the pot with their dinner.
It had been there for a long time.
Hopefully they would still have more than a few burnt coals to eat.
…
Aeyrin rested her head on her hand when she lay on her side in her bedroll with her back turned to Raven.
He was already breathing softly in deep slumber. It was no wonder, the day had been somewhat tiring. Even the conversation at the end. Although… it was easier than she had feared. After she spilled all those words into the letter for Master Therien, somehow it was easier to say them out loud. It may have helped that she got a bit angry at Raven, but luckily it didn't end up with another relationship ruined.
She wasn't planning to sleep yet. She still had one thing to do.
She finished gliding the quill over the parchment and inspected the letter again.
She apologized and asked him to meet her to talk, but she didn't tell him where. Hopefully he would suggest a place. She couldn't stand the thought of waiting for him without even the slightest hint of whether he was planning to come.
She really hoped that he would.
She really hoped that things weren't destroyed between them for good.
Especially now, when she felt like her life, or maybe more her state of mind, were finally going in the right direction.
Now, when she was finally in a better place.