To tell Sam, or not to tell Sam? Lara stared out at the constellation of lights adorning the New York City skyline. There was no way she could continue to draw out her bizarre charade for much longer. But what would such an admission mean for their friendship going forward? What if Sam was repulsed and cut her off completely? Lara swallowed thickly past the lump that had formed in her throat. It would probably be best if she at least waited until after the holidays, lest she be trapped in a foreign country either scrambling for a hotel room or an early ticket back to London.
"You ready to go?" Came Sam's voice from behind.
"Yeah," Lara turned to face Sam, who was standing in the doorway, frowning at the short sleeved top the latter wore, "no jacket?"
"I won't need it later on, you can't feel the cold when you're drunk. Plus I'll probably lose anything I can't keep in my pockets. I know Drunk Sam well enough at this point," Sam laughed weakly and scratched the back of her neck.
"Just don't go begging me for my coat later on because you decided to come unprepared," Lara warned as she made for the door. "After you," she said, motioning for Sam to take point. They exited the penthouse and entered the elevator together. When they emerged into the lobby and exited out onto the street, Sam took a look around.
"There's Charles," Sam remarked, pointing at the black limousine parked across the street.
"Isn't the limo a bit much?" Lara asked as they clambered into the back, though she felt like a broken record by that point, "We could have got a cab."
"Not really. We're going to the Upper East Side. Charles, you remember where Jess's place is?" Sam called up to the front.
"Yes, ma'am. Is that where you want to go?" Charles asked.
"Please," Sam said.
"You don't seem particularly thrilled to see your friends again," Lara observed when they had started moving.
"To be honest, I'm only really going for one person. A lot of these people aren't my actual friends, just people I used to party with." Sam turned her gaze to the window beside her and rested her chin on her hand.
"Come on, you? Of all people? I'm sure you have friends there."
"No," Sam shook her head, "you forget that I've only lived here for about two years. I came to New York when I was sixteen years old and mostly did my own thing. You get a little tired of rebuilding your social life after the second or third time."
"Where else have you lived again?" Lara asked, "My memory's a little foggy right now."
"So, I was born in Miami and moved to Los Angeles when I was ten. I lived in L.A. for about five years before my family moved to Chicago for, like, a year because my mom had a modeling contract there. Then we moved to New York." Sam shrugged and kept her gaze fixed on the buildings and cars that drifted by, "I miss Cali. Life was so much simpler back then and I felt like I actually had a home." Her gaze drifted downward and she let out a slow breath.
The limo stopped in front of a glass skyscraper not unlike the one Sam's family lived in shortly thereafter. They exited the vehicle together and waved to Charles as he pulled away before turning on the spot and approaching the building together. They stopped just outside the door and Sam punched a code into the keypad beside the door without looking through the directory. A ringing sound emitted from the speaker.
"What's the password?" Teased a young woman's voice from the other end of the line.
"Listen here you droog, it's me. Can you let us in? It's cold out," Sam said, rubbing her hands over her exposed arms.
"Got ya," the woman replied. The door buzzed open and they entered the lobby.
"Droog?" Lara asked when they had gotten into the elevator.
"It's a reference to Clockwork Orange. Her last name is Burgess, like the author," Sam explained, "it's kind of a stupid inside joke."
"I thought the author's name was John Burgess Wilson?" Lara jibed.
"Shut it, Encyclopedia," Sam shook her head with a small laugh. They heard the bass of the stereo booming from the other side of the elevator doors when they reopened moments later, and Sam approached the lone door in front of them, "alright. Here goes." Moments after she knocked on the door, it was opened by a thin brunette that Lara recognized from Sam's graduation photo.
"You made it!" The brunette squealed excitedly.
"Hey Jess," Sam said as the two of them embraced, though Lara detected slight tension in the way Sam moved and conducted herself.
"Is this your roommate?" Jess asked, peering over Sam's shoulder.
"Oh, yeah," Sam spoke in a terse and stilted fashion, standing to the side and gesturing towards Lara, "this is Lara."
"It's so nice to meet you!" Jess exclaimed, "Are you a hugger? Too bad, I'm hugging you anyways." She pulled Lara into a quick hug before peeling away and swinging the door wide open to reveal the thrashing throng of partiers inside, "well come on in! We have food, we have jungle juice, and we have a live DJ."
"Your parents gone or something?" Sam bellowed over the music as they walked in.
"They're on a romantic holiday in Aruba," Jess said, "but don't worry. I have permission to throw this party, they even offered to pay for the DJ and cab rides home for anybody too drunk to drive."
"That was nice of them," Lara remarked as she hung her coat up.
"Right? God, I love them." Jess laughed and picked up a solo cup from the counter beside her, "You guys wanna do shots?"
"Absolutely!" Sam grabbed two solo cups, one of which Lara presumed was for her, and filled them with a chaser. "What are our options?"
"What do you guys want? We have everything," Jess said, opening a cabinet to reveal a multitude of handles of liquor for their consumption.
"Tequila," Lara cut in, flashing a wry smirk towards Sam, who scowled back at her.
"You're really gonna do me dirty like that, huh?" Sam rubbed her hands together, "Alright, tequila it is. You have any Jose for old times' sake?" Jess already had the Jose Cuervo out and pouring before Sam had finished speaking.
"Alright, what're we toasting to?" Jess asked as she distributed shot glasses to the two of them and held her own up. Lara looked to Sam, who was deep in thought, expectantly.
"Here's to you, here's to me, here's to hundreds of fiddies on e'rybody's tiddies," Sam said at length.
"Hear, hear," Jess affirmed. They clinked their glasses down on the countertop and threw their shots straight back down their gullets. "Alright, I gotta go make sure everybody's good. Catch up with you guys later?"
"Yeah, no problem!" Sam smiled at Jess as she disappeared into the crowd. When she was out of sight, Lara watched as the smile gradually slid from Sam's face.
"You okay?" Lara asked as Sam turned and poured them both another shot.
"I'll explain it all to you later," Sam held a shot out to Lara, "but for now, wanna get smashed and play some pong?"
"You know I could easily parrot you right now? 'I know this is your attempt at a diversion'..." Lara said, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards just slightly.
"And yet I let you get away with it, didn't I?" Sam raised a brow.
"What is it you like to say, again? Ah, right, 'I plead the fifth,'" Lara quipped with a lopsided smirk.
"Well played. But seriously, are we playing pong and taking shots or what?" Sam asked.
"No objections here," Lara replied, and they threw back another one shot, two shots, three shots. Next thing Lara knew, they were right up in the thick of the action by the DJ booth.
"Oh yeah? I see you, bitch!" Sam was shouting over the music as Lara got low, low, low, like the song commanded, "That's my fucking roommate right there!" She slurred at the top of her lungs, and laughed. Time passed in a tipsy, sweaty blur, until Lara re-emerged into cognisance at the pong table. She threw her hands up in celebration when she made a shot and turned to Sam for a high five, only to find her friend gazing over at Jess with an indecipherable expression on her face. Sam didn't snap out of her trance until Lara tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention.
"It's your shot, I got a cup for us."
"Huh?" Sam blinked, "Oh, right." She retrieved a ball from one of the cups they had set aside and took aim.
Time seemed to fast-forward again, and Lara came to again as she walked out of the bathroom. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked around her. Where had Sam gone? She was reasonably certain that she had been with her just moments before. She stumbled around the penthouse in search of her roommate, but to no avail. She did, however, manage to find Jess.
"Have you seen Sam?" Lara asked as she approached Jess.
"No," Jess frowned, "you can't find her?"
"No, can you help me?"
"Yeah," Jess said without any hesitation, setting her cup aside, "have you checked the dance floor yet?"
"No."
"Alright, I'm gonna go check there. I'll meet you back here?"
"Yeah, I'm going to go check the pong room to see if she wandered off there," Lara said.
"Is she okay, by the way?" Jess asked as Lara made to walk away.
"I don't know," Lara replied.
"I was worried about that," Jess admitted as her gaze drifted downward, though Lara didn't know what she meant. They parted ways, and Lara made for the pong room. Her worry began to grow when she didn't find Sam there either, and she ran a frantic hand through her hair. What if Sam had taken off like she had that one night in London and Lara hadn't noticed? She could be anywhere at that rate; anywhere, and possibly in trouble. Lara's heart rate spiked increasingly higher as her search proved fruitless with each room she checked. She pulled her phone out and dialed Sam's number. No answer.
Lara was on the verge of panic when she spotted Sam standing out on the balcony through sliding glass doors. Relief washed over her, and she retrieved her coat from where it hung and went over to join her friend. Sam's head didn't even turn when Lara opened and closed the door to join her.
"Hey," Lara said, leaning up against the railing beside Sam. Sam didn't reply and instead took a long drag off the cigarette she held. Lara blinked at her reproachfully, "have you always smoked?"
"No," Sam said with a small cough as she put the cigarette out.
"Can I ask why you're doing it now, then?" Lara asked. Sam shrugged and leaned against the railing as well, lacing her fingers together and staring down at them absently. Lara detected a hint of a shiver in her body, and took her jacket off. "Here," she said, holding her coat out for Sam to take, "I told you to bring a coat." Sam took it wordlessly and wrapped it around her shoulders. Lara wanted to push Sam and get her to talk, but something in the back of her mind told her that it was better to let Sam talk on her own time. She contented herself with standing beside Sam silently and watching the headlights drift by below them.
"I'm sorry," Sam said after a few minutes had passed.
"For what?" Lara turned to look at her, her brows knit together in concern.
"I just-" Sam took a slow, deep breath, "I thought I was ready for all this but I wasn't."
"Ready for all...what?" Lara prodded gently. Sam bit her bottom lip, and the corners of her mouth furled downwards as her jaw quivered.
"...To see her," Sam said in a near-whisper.
"Who?" Lara asked, "I'm sorry, I'm having a little trouble understanding." Sam took another deep, shuddering breath.
"Before I came to UCL, Jess and I dated." Lara's brows shot up and she looked back and forth between Sam and the ongoing festivities inside. Sam was-? "I know that look all too well. Yes, I'm gay. Straight as a circle. Didn't I tell you this already?" Lara shook her head.
"If you did, I don't remember. But it doesn't matter-you being gay, rather. I-I mean that I don't see you any differently." Lara rocked back and forth on her feet before continuing, "So it was a rough break-up I take it?" Sam let out a derisive snort.
"That's one way of putting it." Sam retrieved another cigarette from a pack that sat on a table nearby and lit it. She took a long drag, "She...was kind of my first," smoke dissipated from Sam's mouth as she spoke, "so it was just really deep and meaningful to me. When we broke things off, it felt like a little part of me died on the inside. I thought I was fine, but I guess not," Sam shook her head as she continued to smoke her cigarette. Lara plucked the cancer stick from her hand and put it out, "Hey-!"
"Self-harming is not a good way to respond to these types of feelings," Lara stated simply. "I am sorry you're feeling like this, by the way."
"It's alright," Sam sniffled as tears finally broke from her eyes.
"Hey now-" Sam threw her arms around Lara with a sob and buried her face into her shoulder. Lara's heart ached for Sam as she felt Sam's body convulse with silent sobs. At a loss for further words as she was, the only thing Lara could think to do was wrap her arms around Sam protectively and rub the latter's back in what she hoped was a comforting fashion. More ragged sobs tore through Sam's throat, and Lara did her best to shush away her friend's anguish.
"Can we please just go back to my parents' place?" Sam squeaked when she had calmed sufficiently.
"Yeah, of course. You have everything you need?" Lara asked as she peeled herself away. She glanced over at the sliding glass door and did a double take when she saw Jess standing and staring at the two of them. Lara pursed her lips rather awkwardly and returned her attention to Sam.
"Yeah," Sam said.
"Alright, can you call Charles?" Lara asked as she opened the sliding glass door. She looked around them to see if Jess was still lingering, but she was mercifully nowhere in sight.
"Yeah. I'm gonna go wait right outside the elevator, can you come up with some bullshit excuse about why we're leaving and tell Jess?"
"Yeah, I'll meet you out there," Lara said, sliding the door shut behind them. She scanned the immediate vicinity for Jess while Sam made for the door. After a minute or two of searching, she spotted Jess by a table where people appeared to be playing flip cup. Lara took a deep breath and approached her. "Hey," Lara said as she drew near, "we're probably gonna head out now."
"I get it," Jess said. "Is she okay?"
"She'll be alright. She just needs to sleep it off."
"I see." Jess's gaze drifted downwards, "I feel so bad."
"It's not your fault, it's not anybody's fault," Lara tried to assure her.
"Still," Jess sighed, "just make sure she gets home safe for me?"
"Of course." She and Jess exchanged a final farewell before Lara took her leave.
"Charles is outside," Sam said when she saw Lara emerge out the door. Lara nodded to indicate she understood and they embarked on their elevator ride to the lobby. When they emerged into the frigid cold, Lara realized that Sam still had her coat on. She rubbed her exposed flesh with her hands to try to preserve as much heat as possible until they got back into the limo.
Not even five minutes after they got into the vehicle, Sam fell asleep in her seat, evidently drained by all the emotional energy she'd just released. Lara contented herself with watching the streetside activity while they journeyed back to the Nishimuras' residence. The limo went over a small bump, and Lara felt a weight settle on top of her shoulder. She turned her head and saw that Sam's head had lolled over onto her. Resisting the urge to nuzzle back into Sam, Lara instead indulged herself in a soft smile as that familiar scent of vanilla mixed with amber washed over her once more.
The Nishimura den was dead silent when Lara awoke the next morning. Try as she did to drift back into sweet subconsciousness, sleep did not return to her. With a groan and a stretch, she rolled herself out of bed and pulled her hair up into a quick, messy bun. Her unruly mane at least somewhat tamed, Lara ventured forth to see if Sam also happened to be awake.
When she peeked inside of Sam's bedroom, she found the bed unoccupied, save for the jacket she'd let Sam use last night. Lara stepped back out into the hallway and made her way out to the living room next to search for Sam but still found no sign of her. It was when she checked the kitchen next that she finally wound up finding Sam, who'd appeared to be engrossed in her laptop until Lara walked in.
"Morning," Sam said, returning her gaze to her laptop's display, "I made coffee."
"Hey," Lara replied as she made for the cabinet to the right of the sink, "is everybody still asleep?"
"Dad's out on business as usual, and everyone else is still asleep, yeah."
"Ah…" Lara stood there for a moment with a mug in hand, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm alright."
"Actually though?" Lara pressed as she poured some coffee for herself out of the pot.
"No," Sam answered honestly, "but I will be." Lara bit her lip pensively.
"What are you looking at?" She asked as she took a seat at one of the chairs nearest Sam.
"Just an old memory," Sam sighed, "from high school." She shook her head and let out a small puff of amusement through her nose, "So, when I was a junior in high school, I was in the drama club. I mean, of course I was, do you see me?"
"You are pretty dramatic," Lara agreed.
"Shush," Sam lightly rapped her on the arm. Lara chortled and took a sip of her coffee, "but yeah, that's how I met Jess. I was originally going to be on the stage crew for the Jekyll and Hyde play, and she was also on stage crew. Thing is, she was one of those people who was determined to break down walls, so of course she never stopped trying to talk to me."
"Oh, so she's like you?" Lara interjected.
"Didn't I say shush?" Sam demanded, though she still looked visibly amused. "So anyways, I was singing in the bathroom one day because I thought I was alone. Turns out she was in one of the stalls and heard me. After that, she kept harassing me to audition until I finally did, and I wound up getting one of the lead roles in the play. Funny how that works, huh?"
"Why didn't you want to be in the play initially?" Lara asked. Sam looked up and brought her hand to her chin in apparent thought.
"I guess I just didn't think I'd actually get a part in the play. I wasn't confident enough to." Lara regarded Sam with interest. She couldn't picture Sam as anything but confident and outgoing. For Sam, who Lara would often find jamming her guitar and belting out lyrics, to not have faith in her own talents either? It was inconceivable.
"So what is it that you're watching on your computer?" Lara asked.
"This?" Sam turned her computer to the side so Lara could better view the screen, "I was about to watch one of my practice sessions with Jess one last time before I delete it from my hard drive. Did you want to watch it?"
"Kind of," Lara admitted.
"Alright, you're about to witness me at my peak. You sure you're ready?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay," Sam clicked the play button. Lara watched as Screen Sam settled down onto a bed next to a younger Jess, who held a guitar in her hands.
"Alright," Jess was saying, "you said you wanted to work on 'It's a Dangerous Game'?"
"Yeah," replied Screen Sam.
"Alright, you start and I'll join in," Jess said. Lara watched as Screen Sam took a deep breath before she started to sing:
"I feel your fingers
brushing my shoulders
your tempting touch
as it tingles my spine."
The smoky, crooning timber of Sam's mezzo-soprano sent goosebumps erupting from Lara's flesh as she listened. She'd heard Sam singing contemporary music before, and always thought she sounded lovely, but listening to Sam tackle the musical theatre genre left her in awe. The subtle inflections of Sam's voice as she sang-the way she combined acting and singing, was pure art.
"Watching your eyes
as they invade my soul
forbidden pleasures
I'm afraid to make mine."
Jess joined in on her guitar as Sam was dragging out the 'i' sound in 'mine.'
"At the touch of your hand
at the sound of your voice
at the moment your eyes meet mine…"
Lara felt Sam's eyes burning into the side of her head. Lara glanced over, and hers and Sam's eyes locked together.
"I am out of my mind
I am out of control
full of feelings I can't define..."
What was with that look in Sam's eyes, anyhow? Lara felt her heart begin to race as blood began to roar in her ears, nearly drowning out the music. In the background, she heard Jess joining in on what Lara presumed to be the male vocals.
"No one speaks
not one word
all the words are in our eyes…"
Was it possible that Sam…?
"It's a sin with no name,
like a tiger to tame
and when no one's to blame
it's a crime and a shame
and the angels proclaim
it's a dangerous game."
I'm such a slut for cliffhangers.
**Love S.S. Endurance? You should join this discord server I admin using the following invite link: dG4PZf4