Author Note: Yo, first off thanks for the people that read this story! Know that I greatly appreciate each and every one of you guys. Thank you all for reading you wonderful and awesome people. Listen, I have to go out right now and I couldn't do all the revisions I wanted but I felt that the chapter was good enough. Remember to favorite, follow and review it helps me with motivation. Thank you all for reading and have a wonderful and awesome day!

- Chapter 4 -

Benjamin lived on the colony for a long time. Long enough to get used to the dusty ash filled air, he was used to the feeling of ash pressing against his throat, almost claustrophobic with the way it was. He got so used to it to the point where clean air felt foreign to him.

His feet rested along the confines of the mountain top. This was where the avatar and his friends docked for the night. He could see them out of the corner of his eye, the trio resting and making camp. He was too far away for them to notice him staring.

The rough winds ruffled his long raven hair. His golden eyes staring into the star filled sky, he peered down at his hands. Shaking…erratic, the feeling roaming through his very core as he simply grit his teeth. His left hand was bandaged, the pain shooting through him as he began to strain the bandaged limb forward. Though, he simply grit his teeth harder as he placed his left hand along his right wrist.

It's been years ever since he felt like this…the first battle over the moon on Dxun was when his hand wouldn't stop shaking. The smell of mud and muck, the sounds of Mandalorian mortars and the feeling of death in the force.

It's a strange feeling…a hollowness or rather a cold emptiness. Ben shook the memories free from his head, trying to remain back to that once peaceful serenity. When did things begin to go wrong? Why was he forced to endure these thoughts?

"When did things go wrong…" Benjamin chuckled under his breath at the sudden thought. It started as a subtle chuckle, before blending into an insane borderline hysteric laughter. It was the type of laughter that you would imagine a mental hospital patient would make if their doctor told them the world's funniest joke.

Did things go wrong when his mother gave him to the Jedi, did things begin to go wrong when the Jedi masters abandoned Benjamin because he couldn't keep up with their teachings?

Did things begin to go wrong when he learned the truth about his relationship with the force…of his utter failings with the light side, did things go wrong when he followed his master off to war…of what he did during Malachor V?

No…ever since he was born. Benjamin, he already knew the solid truth. That his life from the moment he was born was screwed, that maybe the force or whatever cosmic entity had a sense of humor. Tragedy after tragedy, that was his life.

Though, there was newfound sorrow weighing him down. Benjamin could still remember the old man's parting words. The final things he said before the fire nation ended his life.

"No…" Benjamin spoke out loud. His gaze following the setting sun as the stars and the darkness began to swallow up the sun. "You wouldn't understand…how could you?"

To Benjamin, he has always been running away. He was content with his life on that shitty colony, though now that was gone. Even though his existence was meaningless, and he hoped for a death to follow a part of him enjoyed that shitty place.

He liked knowing what he needed to do for the day ahead, he was sick of surprises or life having its way with him. All he ever wanted was peace and quiet…something the Mandalorians and the Jedi couldn't provide, now with the firenation as well.

'They took it away from me…my home, my job…Bill. Those fucking bastards!'

Ben's fury exploded in his head, his passions soaring through his broken mind. His anger and guilt flowing through the force as his fingers curled into two steady fists. His eyes narrowed as all too familiar hatred soared through him.

He wanted to lash out at them…he wanted to hurt the fire nation the same way they hurt him. He wanted them to pay and suffer for what they did to Bill and to him!

The pain dulled, his feelings overwhelming him as he tried to seek control. Though, it was his voice that shook him to his core. A memory that merely happened a couple of hours ago.

'Be good, Benjamin.'

The soaring feelings of hatred and rage. Hatred towards the fire nation…hatred towards his life and everything that went wrong, with those three words Ben's feelings of hate was replaced with feelings of…guilt and shame.

Guilt of what he had done, and shame for what he allowed himself to become. He had no excuse for his actions, all he was…was a deserter, a failure…he was no warrior merely a coward that couldn't face himself.

A coward that surrounded himself with rage and hate, trying to maintain a shield but what happens when such a shield fails. There was nothing for him because he was nothing in the end.

He was too weak to fight back…he was too weak to confront Revan…and now he was too weak to protect the only man in the universe that saw the good in him. What now?

Ben's eyes trained along his right hand. His golden eyes peering down at the strange bottle. The water tribe girl. While she nursed his arm, he snagged an animal skin flask full of cheap medical alcohol.

The thing tasted horrible. He was taking the occasional sips, but the fiery hot liquid was scorching his throat, though the hotness of his stomach filled him with a strange feeling of warm euphoria. The ends of his smokes decorated the ground near his boots as well.

Though, as he pressed the metallic lid to his lips. As the fiery slop began to go down his throat, as he forced himself to choke down the liquid fighting itself back up, he realized something. That the taste didn't matter. All that mattered…was forgetting the face of the old man that saved him.

A stillness of the wind caught Ben off guard. A feeling that sent all the ahirs in his body up as they softly went down, like a distinct chill coursing through his bowels, shooting through his fingertips as he felt a strong presence in the force.

He dropped the flask to the floor. The brown slop dousing the grass as his fingers inched towards his thigh, ready to level his blaster. Though, he recognized the feeling. How could he forget…it was the same feeling he felt when he was in the middle of escaping Revan's sith empire.

"Howdy…Benji…"

The feminine voice didn't shock Benjamin. His right hand trailing off his thigh as his fingers went to massage his temple. He already knew who that voice belonged to.

"…why do you smoke those things, Benji?" It was a voice, a voice without a crunch along the grass or discarded leaves. A voice he had not heard in a long time but can remember like it was yesterday. "Those hamper your connection to the force."

Her tan jedi robes clung to her in a blue mist. Her neck length auburn hair falling behind her as her dark eyes stared at the boy. Benjamin slowly opened his eyes, only to slam them shut in annoyance. "…they help me forget, why the hell are you here…Master Surik?"

Ben wasn't angry…even as his shoulders of his large form tensed. Even as his fingers on his free hand curled into a fist so strong that it began to draw blood. Though, it was the annoyance he felt that truly irked him.

She cocked her head back. Observing her apprentice. "Is that really how you speak to your master?" She sighed as she playfully rested her fingers on her forehead, feigning hurt. "It's been months ever since we last spoken."

Ben chuckled at the last part. Turning his attention back to his master as he grabbed the flask of cheap alcohol off the ground. "Months…I wished it was longer. Leave me alone." He spoke bluntly before he took a hefty swig of the brown bile.

Though, Ben and Meetra both knew that was not going to happen. Just like all Jedi…Meetra had an agenda, and Ben already knew it. He could recount her annoying lectures, trying to twist his newfound path into something else.

Benjamin glared at the spirit of his former master. She pouted as she stared at her former apprentice. "You've gotten bigger, your what two meters tall and you look like one of those athletes now. Not that young boy in the academy you used to be." Surik tried to compliment, only for Benjamin to sneer in her direction.

Benjamin sighed as he shook his head, placing the strange small box that held his smokes, back into his jacket as he positioned himself straight up. "That boy died in the Mandalorian wars. What do you want Surik?"

She pouted, the annoyance of her former apprentice…now so annoying and demanding. "I'm not so sure how I feel about my former padawan taking that tone with me. Remember, who was the one that taught you in the wars."

"You…honestly at this point I don't give a shit. I don't want to see you anymore." He glared at her as his lips parted once again. "I don't give a fuck what you have to say, stay away from me."

His words were crude and relentless as he quickly dispatched her words away. Though Surik just shook her head. She stared at her former apprentice, already knowing that she was asking for far too much. "The boy you're traveling with, the avatar. He needs help." She couldn't believe she was doing this. Though, she already knew it had to be done.

She couldn't look him in the eyes for what she was asking him to do…but he had a destiny, and she already knew that the world wouldn't stop for him. Even though she wished for the boy to be happy, there were far greater things that had to be dealt with before such happiness.

Benjamin's eyes peered over the rock as he watched the boy, and his friends sleep under the stars. "Yeah, so what. I don't need your help, but you keep bugging me." He spat out.

She stared at him as he wiped the couple strands of dark hair from his eyes. "This world has been at war for over a hundred years, this fire nation are monsters just like the…"

His face scrunched up as he turned to his old master. "Just like the Mandalorians!" He spat out as he pointed his finger at her, his voice was mangled like a stray animal, his expression rabid as he snarled his words. "What, what do you want me to do…huh? Accept the force once again, build another lightsaber…fight with this avatar?"

She nodded her head with a smile. "You were so talented before, don't you remember. I was going to be appointed to master and I was going to make you fully my padawan. Remember, that day when you went to me…how proud you were when you told me that you were also going to become a Jedi guardian like myself."

His hand cut through the air like a blade, the whisp of wind following as he stared down his former master. A resounding smash of flesh sputtered from it as the woman stopped speaking, as the shock of what her apprentice did reached her ears. "But the war came…it came and destroyed everything. I was what twelve, or thirteen when I joined you and Revan." A snort came from the boy. "Revan, he welcomed me into his Revanchrist. Preached about the hypocrisy of the council, and for what…"

"For this!" he screamed. His hands extending towards the sky.

His voice echoed throughout the clearing. His hands outstretched as Meetra only stare at her old apprentice, she knew she messed up. She was barely a Jedi knight when she took Ben under her as an apprentice, she failed him on that dead planet.

Her face steeling with resolve…she wouldn't allow him to fail again, she would set him on the right path. "I know what I was…I know why I could never use the light side the way you do. I learned the truth Surrik!"

Ben's thumb outstretched as it went towards his chest. "A dark side warrior. That's what Vrook and the rest of the arrogant fools on the council called me!" Ben waved his hand away, gulping down more alcohol to fight away the barrage of memories. 'Leave…me…alone!' He screamed in his head.

He wanted to throw the flask at Meetra, run away from her…to end it all and to just end this suffering. He had no intentions to do what she was asking; he didn't ask for any of this!

"Benjamin." She lost the kindness in her voice, opting out for seriousness. The sudden change causing Ben to refocus his attention back to her. "This isn't a game…not anymore. This avatar, he needs help."

Ben's right eyebrow went up as he began to watch his master. He clicked his lip as he simply turned away from her and her repeated words. "Yeah, tell him to join the club. Everyone needs help."

"Benjamin, this world is in great peril. It's almost like what was going on with the Mandalorians, Benjamin…it's time you take back your destiny. Reconnect with the force…and become a Jedi again."

Ben only looked at her. His master…the woman that trained him when no other Jedi too. When they renounced him and called him a failure because he couldn't learn or embrace their teachings. The woman that gave him strength…and he only laughed.

It wasn't a normal laugh. Far from it…it was the type of laugh that you would tell a mentally unstable patient to get them screaming. "After all this…" Ben coughed up, his thumb wiping a loose tear from his face. "You still expect me to be a fucking Jedi!"

"It's your destiny, Benjamin. You owe it to the galaxy…it's your duty! I remember you at the enclave on Dantooine. You were arrogant, and brash…head strong. Though, your skills made up for it. Even being young you exceeded your peers with lightsaber combat. I remember you during the war…your shien and ataru forms were unmatched. There were rumors in the ranks you were a Jedi Battlemaster in the making. Even your abilities with the force were…"

"The dark side of the force…the only abilities I could have had ever harnessed, Meetra don't you get it!" Benjamin slammed the flask into the floor, it was with such strength that the flask erupted into two. Even splotches of the brown liquid flew into the air with the immense power of the throw.

"Yes, Benjamin. I know that your powers were stronger with the dark side. Though, I just don't understand it. Why would you have abandoned it all…even after falling to the dark side, why did you run away?"

Ben scoffed as he pointed his finger at Meetra. "Do you have any idea what that cost me in the end…the regret…the suffering…the hatred. Those experiences that I suffered during the wars hasn't left me, I can't just restart. This is the end of the road for me, this is what the teachings of the Sith and the Jedi have left me…and don't you dare talk to me about running away! Don't talk to me, don't you think I needed my master by my side after what we did on Malachor V. No…you didn't have the stomach for it, you abandoned me first so don't you dare accuse me of running away!

Meetra's gaze went to Ben's boots. He was right…she abandoned him first, she failed him when he needed his master the most. How could she? She fucked up Ben's life, a kid not even of fifteen at the time by dragging him along with her for a war that he could hardly understand.

The Mandalorians broke him…but she put him in that situation. She didn't even deserve to even speak to him right now. Though, her eyes went towards the trio in the camp. They were the only things separating this world from darkness, and they needed Ben's help.

"And do you want to know the part that sickens me to my very core Meetra! That I liked it…that I liked the way my lightsaber felt when I used my twin cyan blades to cut down the Mandalorians, how my force lightning would fry through there ranks. How I relished the challenge of fighting against true Jedi knights when I fell to the dark side. I see it in my dreams Meetra, god. Sometimes I could feel it, I could feel the way my lightsaber cut through them through an echo in the force."

Ben's words were gnashed like a rabbit mutt. The sweat bearing down on him as his fingers twitched erratically, his words rushed and unrefined as he simply focused on the ghost of his master.

"I'm sorry, Benjamin. I know all I can do is say sorry…I can't take back the past. I wish I was stable enough to take you with me, but I went back to the Jedi to answer for my crimes there, If I took you along with me who knows what would have had happened."

She saw it…it was subtle, but Ben's fingers stopped twitching and his face began to ease up. Ben heard rumors that after his master abandoned Revan after the war was done, she went back to the Jedi. That was the last time he heard of Meetra, and he thought that she was one of the many casualties of the civil war.

Though, he wasn't a fool. The Jedi would have had delt punishments equally to those that followed Revan…maybe she thought she was protecting Benjamin in the end.

"I didn't know…that you would join Revan and fully fall to the dark side. I am sorry, Benjamin. Though, the point still stands…this world needs the avatar, and the avatar needs a Jedi, he needs you." She took a step forward only for Ben to turn away from her, scoffing at her words as he faced the endless night sky. Though, she pressed on. "You won't heal if you keep on going like this, Ben. This pit of alcohol and drugs won't make the mistakes you made in the past gone. Yes, I can understand wanting to forget but now you can make amends. I will continue your training…I can make you into a Jedi knight and truly harness your talent."

"I was what twelve, or thirteen when I joined you and Revan." A snort came from the boy, the question ringing in the air from the sudden random question. Even Meetra was taken aback as she could only stare into the back of Ben's head. "Revan, he welcomed me into his Revanchrist. Preached about the hypocrisy of the council, and for what…"

Meetra stared at what remained of her former apprentice. The drag of smoke filling from his lips as he avoided her gaze, his eyes focused on the stars above. "If I accept the force once again, I will surely fall to the dark side. I don't want to do this anymore, this endless fighting."

His form shook as he wrapped his arms around himself. The cold air pushing along his long hair as the morbid words emptied free from his mouth. There was no anger, there was no curses or swears…it was simply sadness and emptiness.

His gaze went to the sleeping trio, there campfire extinguished as they slept with no care in the world. "They'll drop me off at the nearest town. After that we are done, not just with them but with you. Get out of my head…" There was a mixture of sadness littered in his voice, but he ignored that. Only taking another whiff of his smoke as he went back to pointlessly arguing with his former master.

She sighed emptying out her nostrils at her stubborn apprentice. "You need this, they need you…the war they are fighting, they need a Je.."

"You dumb fucking bitch!" He roared, the sudden anger making Meetra take a step back as he extended his pointed finger towards her. "It's like you hear it and it goes into one ear and out the fucking other. Jedi this…jedi that, how about you leave me alone. I don't care about this destiny crap, I never did. I was just a kid with a dream of being a Jedi, only to be rewarded with a living hell!" He spoke.

"I read the history. I know the tales of the dark Jedi Exar Kun…I know what that sick fuck did to the galaxy, or Freedon Nadd the sith lord and the famed jedi prodigy, of how the hypocrisy of the Jedi council made him fall, how that the whole damn Onderonian royal line are direct descendants or better yet Revan the man who waged war against the galaxy and turned me into a monster!" He lashed out, his hand cutting through the air like a rusted blade.

His breathing was uneven as his breath rattled his core. His hand went to his chest as he pointed the other at Meetra. His old master only staring at his shoes at this point. "Do you want to know what these Jedi all got in common…there all just like me!" A snort echoed from him as he could only watch his master not catch his eyes. "Talented in the force, just like me. Do you know what that means, I have the better chance of falling just like I did during the war. It was a miracle that I abandoned the force and severed my connection. Time and time again, we fought valiantly for the galaxy. For the people, for the galaxy…but there is so much injustice. We Jedi believed we were the best, that while the Mandalorians were slaughtering, enslaving, and conquering the rim we thought it wasn't our problem."

He slammed his hand along his chest like an enraged gorilla. "I rejected their desire, a kid not even of sixteen killing Mandalorians, I fought against them…and what happened in the end. I failed and became a slave to Revan and the dark side!"

He shook his head as he flicked the burnt-out cigarette to the side. "I have no intention of using the force ever again or joining this avatar. Stay out of my head and stay the hell away from me!" He firmly growled.

"Benjamin…don't you understand. There is a darkness to this world, this war isn't right. To save this world…to usher in an end to this one-hundred-year war. I can't let you stop." She shouted back. Her piercing brown eyes catching his own as they both stared the other down.

"Leave me alone…" He slammed his foot once again onto the dirt floor. His fist clenched together. "No one is going to tell me how to live my life!"

His shaking hands closed along the leathery strap of his blaster. His fingers ripping the blaster free as he rested it in his hands. Meetra eyeing the blaster by her apprentice side as she simply sighed, her ghostly hands combing through her hair. "Benjamin…what are you going to do with that. I'm a force ghost, you can't do anything to me!" She sighed, borderline screaming at her apprentice for his stupidity.

"Yeah…I know." He cocked his head at her. A dangerous gleam now apparent in his trembling blood shot eyes.

Ben's hand shook as his finger switched off stun. Now the weapon was on the lethal blast function. His fingers curled tighter along the hilt to the point where his knuckles began to turn white. "Go away…leave me alone. Please…this is my life." He somberly spoke, Meetra's gaze widening as she began to understand.

The cold ornate gold barrel went to the side of Ben's head. He could even sniff the heavy gold barrel along his nostrils. He could hear everything…the beating of his heart, the stillness of his breath as he gazed down at Meetra.

Meetra didn't speak. Only staring at her apprentice. After a second her eyes began to narrow as she simply groaned in defeat. "Benjamin, I will leave now…Though, remember this. Your destiny is yours and the force dictates it…no matter how far away you run…you can't escape it."

With that she was gone…the blue mist evaporating in sight as Ben's shaking hand dropped the blaster to the ground. His body was shaking as his form collapsed onto the floor as his knees caught up the dirt. His eyes still locked ahead.

Always…ahead.