Chapter 3: Don't Let Me Go
He didn't quite know what was happening around him. Suddenly being able to physically feel things again threw his mind more out of loop than it already was. It was all suddenly so jarring, uncomfortable, painful even.
His senses were mostly completely disoriented, too. He couldn't hear anything besides a faint ringing in his ears. His mouth was dry, as if he had been laying out in the sun all day, with nothing to drink, in the middle of a desert. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was a blur. Upon closing them, the fatigue he felt became more apparent to the point he hardly wanted to open his eyes again. In fact, his mind threatened to fall asleep before he could even think about it. The only thing that kept him awake was the constant flow of thoughts cycling through his brain.
He was also cold, very cold, throughout various parts of his body. Though, he also felt a comfortable warmth. That warmth was the only thing keeping him from shivering. It took him some time to process what he was feeling, since his body had been quite uncooperative regarding his own senses.
As his body seemed to adjust, his mind did as well, for the most part. He realized that his arms and legs were wrapped around something, or rather someone, this entire time. Similarly, a separate pair of arms and legs were wrapped around him as well. Just when he thought that was it, he could just barely feel soft breaths on his neck. He seemed to be holding someone close to him; that was the source of his comfortable warmth.
He attempted to wrap his head around it. Currently, his memories were hazy and overall it was hard to recall anything prior to this situation. He could hardly ponder on anything, though he supposed that was a consequence of being overly exhausted. All he could gather, or rather all he knew, was that this position was comfortable. It felt natural and subconsciously he didn't want to move, he didn't want it to change.
In an act of pure willpower, he was able to open his eyes again in an attempt to see what was in front of him. The blur that had been there previously was still obscuring his vision, for the most part, however it had cleared up just enough to get a general outline of some things.
What he first registered was the long, straight platinum hair that belonged to the person he was currently sharing an embrace with. It went down the girl's back almost gorgeously. She didn't seem to be wearing much, other than a single piece of clothing. Her face was tucked next to his head, so he was unable to see it at all, not that he would have been able to see anything special anyway with his limited vision.
For a small window, nothing of notice stood out to him. But just as he was about to let the overwhelming urge to sleep take him over, movement caught his eye. A small girl with a pale face, blonde hair that seemed to extend out to both sides and particularly odd clothing that he couldn't exactly make out any details of. The moving figure got closer to him, right up into his face. Her eyes, he could barely make out, were a sky-blue, housing something in the middle of them; a shape, one he couldn't determine just yet. He could barely register the outline of droplets coming from her eyes. Her mouth moved in a singular, looped motion, as if she were repeating something over and over again.
He felt small hands on his body, mainly his stomach area, trying to rattle or push him into moving out of the embrace he was currently in. He couldn't even if he tried, his body wouldn't listen, nor did he really want to leave the comfortable position he was already in. The hands moved to various places along his stomach, trying to wedge themselves between him and the girl he held. At one point, the hands tried pulling them apart, but they never split.
Despite his petty attempt at fighting back, his eyes closed almost as if they had their own will. His thoughts became nullified, his mind now barely registering anything around him. The ringing and feelings fading away as the threat of sleep overrode him. He was asleep before he even knew what to think.
When he awoke, the first thing he did was try to open his eyes. However, the sudden light that invaded his retinas made him close them again. He would have rubbed them with one of his hands, but it seemed as though they were both being weighed down by two separate things. It took him a little while, but eventually he eased his eyes into adjusting to the light.
He sat up, a feeling of calm washing over him as he bagan gazing around at his surroundings. He was on a bed, a comfortable one at that, and his clothes were changed. He wore different undergarments and shorts, though he was missing a shirt. The room he was in was quite big, spacious even, though unfamiliar to him.
The feeling of calm suddenly vanished, replaced with a subtle yet steadily rising anxiety. His breath started to become more rapid as he felt his chest begin to hurt. An intense feeling, not foreign to him, overwhelmed him: the feeling as if he were about to die. He looked around the room in a desperate hurry, but once he looked down to his left he immediately calmed down once more.
His left hand was tightly intertwined with another. A pale hand, attached to the one girl he had spent an eternity with; the same girl that he shared everything with. The girl that made his heart beat faster, even now, because of the love they developed. "Pan…dora…" he hoarsely breathed out.
She lay on the bed next to him, asleep just as he once was, though unlike him her attire didn't change. Despite her somewhat messy hair and worn-down stature, she looked content. He smiled; he was happy she was alright.
Feeling his right arm move, he looked down at it. His eyes went wide, "Beako…" he uttered, almost painfully. Not only was his throat still dry, but he hasn't spoken in… well, an eternity.
He only looked at her, not daring to disturb her. She seemed to be asleep, yet she fidgeted and clung to his arm like he'd disappear the moment she let go. When he looked at her face, and at the damp bed sheet under her head, he knew that she had been crying. It made him feel horrible; he never wanted to see his Beako sad, let alone cry.
He kept looking at her, almost as if he were in disbelief. He still felt the endless passage of years within his mind, the memories of his time there coming back to him more and more. He once thought, once believed, that he'd never be able to see her again. He had come to terms and accepted that fate, but now, being in front of her again, he almost couldn't believe it.
However the more he looked at her, the more he realized that something was off. Her features, albeit similar, were not the same. The blonde hair that she possessed was messy and, while still dominated by that color, was now tainted with different colored streaks in various areas. The streaks were thin, as if they were each only a single strand of hair, but there was a great many of them. On the top of her head, under her hair, he noticed that there were black spots. Unnatural, horror inducing spots. Then there was her outfit; while it bore many similarities to her usual one, this one's color scheme screamed 'dark' in Subaru's mind. It was mostly black, with occasional white fillings and red seams.
Disbelief and almost joy upon seeing her ended up turning into concern and fear. This was his Beako, there was no doubt. He could feel their contract… it was faint, assuming because he was trapped in the seal for so long, but it was there. But what happened to her? What the hell happened to his Beako?
He must have accidentally jolted his hand during his mental freak out, because she started to stir. He watched silently as his contracted spirit woke herself up. She rubbed her eyes and shook her head once or twice to try and wake herself up some more. Soon enough, she found herself looking straight up and into Subaru's eyes.
The two silently stared at one another for a few moments. Subaru especially was unsure of what to say, or do. Luckily, he didn't have to think about it for much longer, as the little spirit practically pounced on him. Her face dug into his neck, her small arms wrapped around his back as she wailed, "Subaru! Subaru! Subaru! Subaru!"
As if it were instinctual he put his now free right hand behind her back and began to rub it, trying to soothe her. He consistently kept that action going, even when her yells turned into sniffles. He only stopped when she picked her head out from his neck and looked into his eyes with her tearful ones. He moved his hand from his back to her cheek, wiping some of the tears away as he smiled at her. "It's okay… Beako. I'm… here," he told her in a hoarse voice, not failing to keep his warm smile.
Her face only seemed to scrunch up, more tears beginning to develop as she plunged her face into his chest and cried into it. "D-Don't leave Betty like that ever a-again!"
He didn't respond to her words, just going back to rubbing her back. They stayed in that position for a good while, with Beatrice finally letting the dam break once more as she cried into his chest. Eventually, after crying for a long while, she seemed to go back to her sniffles, taking her head out of his chest and wiping her own tears. Beatrice finally seemed a little more composed, taking his hand into her small one and squeezing it. He squeezed back, albeit not as hard, to let her know that he was there for her.
When he saw her mouth move, but only heard faint mumbling, he slightly tilted his head, attempting to speak in his hoarse voice, "What… did you… say, Beako? What's… wrong?"
Suddenly, she glared at him, her mouth turning into something like a snarl as she raised her free hand and delivered a hard slap to his cheek. The red mark came in quite fast, and it stung, but he didn't dare make any remark about it.
"What's wrong…. What's wrong?!" She practically screamed at him, with tears threatening to come back out. "You cannot possibly comprehend how painful this was for Betty! How much Betty suffered without you, without anyone! Betty…" she trailed off, her voice becoming shyer. "Betty needed you and you left her… why? Why did you leave Betty?"
"I-…" truthfully, he did not know what to say. He thought that, even without him, they would be happy. That they would all be able to live their best lives possible, just as long as they survived. But when Beatrice told him that she'd suffered instead, his heart broke into two, then into four, and kept going until it shattered into billions of pieces. Had he truly made the wrong decision? His eyes took a small glance to the girl laying at his side. Had Pandora been right when she told him they wouldn't be happy if he wasn't there?
Guilt consumed him. Seeing Beatrice cry, her sad face, her somewhat hoarse and tired voice hurt him to no end. In his mind, he thought she deserved to know what he was thinking. She deserved to know the honest reason as to why he had left. After the pain he caused her, it was the least he could do.
He looked at her, taking a breath before he began trying to explain himself, "Beako, I…" His voice was still hoarse, and it hurt to speak, but he forced himself to give her the clearest explanation he could muster. "I thought that, even if I wasn't around, you all… would be able to live your lives… to the fullest. To be happy… attaining your goals. I never thought… of myself to be that big of an influence in that… so, I didn't see an issue in-"
Her reaction was immediate. Another slap echoed within the room they were in, Subaru, once again, not daring to say anything about it. She kept glaring at him, more tears forming in her eyes, "IDIOT!" She screamed at him, balling her tiny hands into fists and beginning to repeatedly hit his stomach area. "Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!"
He slightly averted his gaze as he let her vent out her anger and frustration. He did not know what to say, nor did he know how to act or what to think. He felt as if she wasn't done expressing her feelings yet, too, so he wouldn't stop her. He had no right to do that, after all.
"How- How do you not understand, I suppose!" She looked back up at him, in which he looked back at her. Her expression clearly displayed her sadness, anger and overall pain, which he absolutely detested. She never should have had that kind of expression again while she was contracted under him. "We all care about you! You-You saved Betty! Without you Betty has no life! The others felt the same way too, in fact! How do you not get that!"
Subaru looked at her, stunned and in mild shock. His face quickly became crestfallen, his gaze shifting downward to avoid hers. He really was an idiot, wasn't he? After all of this time, being told that he meant something, how important he was, how much he was cared about… he still didn't bother to listen. Giving himself up for the supposed 'betterment' of everyone else was probably the worst decision he could have made, wasn't it?
"I-I'm so, so sorry… Beako," he wrapped his free arm around her, pulling her close to him, much to her shock. "I'm so sorry… I didn't realize sooner."
Beatrice seemed stunned for a small moment, before her tiny arms went behind his back to return the hug he gave to her. "Betty… accepts your apology, I suppose. You're back now, after all, and Betty is sure you won't make the same mistake again," she pulled herself from the hug, intently staring into his eyes, "right?"
He let out a hearty chuckle, a small smile actually coming onto his face, "Yes, Beako. I promise, I'll never… make a stupid mistake like that again." His smile disappeared almost as soon as it appeared, coughing a bit after his words. When he stopped coughing, a sigh escaped from his lips, "Man, the others… must be so mad at me… too."
His expression perked up, like he'd realized something important. "Beako," he started, "where… is everyone? Emilia-tan, Rem, Ram, even… Roswaal, where are they? Are they… alright?"
She let out a sigh, looking at him with an expression he couldn't quite discern. "There are a lot of things we must discuss, I suppose."
He looked at her a bit hesitantly, as his mind began to race with worry and concern. What did she mean? What was she implying? Is everyone okay?
"I suppose I should begin with you and your condition," she started, looking at him. She also seemed to reluctantly glance down to Pandora, but she quickly readjusted her gaze up to him again. "You have been missing, inside the seal, for over a year, at least, I suppose. However I am unsure of the exact amount of time."
His eyes widened, admittedly shocked and surprised. He did not expect such little time to have passed, after having been in a prison for what felt like an eternity. He opened his mouth to ask that very question, "But… it felt like I was in there for… well, forever-"
"Betty will get to that, I suppose." She interjected quickly, surprising him. "Speaking of that seal, it had a great impact on your mental state. All natural, not done by any magical means, I suppose. To your mind and hers, you spent millions upon millions of years inside of the seal. This, naturally, caused your minds to break, shatter and ultimately be driven mad, insane if you will. It took Betty what felt like ages to rid the insanity of your minds, I suppose. In addition, you both suffered from malnutrition, dehydration, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and more. It took Betty a long time to bring you both back to good health, I suppose." She shuddered, "Betty does not desire to go through that grueling process again."
Now that she mentioned it, his mind felt incredibly clear. It was almost unusual to him. He had gotten used to his mind's broken state whilst trapped in the seal, so suddenly being able to think so clearly again was almost surreal upon realizing it. He didn't quite understand why he hadn't realized before now, but he considered it a possible combination between actually being sane again and the whole situation around him now. Additionally, his body was pretty worse for wear. He definitely felt weaker, and he looked to have lost a lot of muscle. He also seemed pretty thin, now, probably a direct result of his bad health.
Either way, he ended up looking at his contracted spirit with a questioning look. "Wait, you said you helped… Pandora?" He looked between the two girls, Pandora still being asleep with their hands intertwined. "I'm… I'm really thankful that you did, but… that seems really… unusual."
At his words, she sighed. "If I could have left her in that prison alone, I would have, I suppose. If I could tear her away from you right now, I would." She looked down at the sleeping platinum haired girl, glaring at her. "However, whatever happened to the both of you in there, whatever you two did, you formed… a bond. Something Betty is unable to separate or intervene."
"What do you… mean?" Subaru asked her, unsure of what she meant at all.
Beatrice let out a slight groan, extending an arm in reference to Subaru and Pandora's intertwined hands. "Why do you think you two are still physically connected, I suppose. The moment I was finally able to separate you two, both of you…" she trailed off, fidgeting a little bit, seemingly uncomfortable with what she was about to talk about. "The two of you began to shake and convulse, among other things…" she trailed off again, looking away from him a bit. "It really scared Betty. Betty didn't know what to do, but… the moment you two touched your hands together you became calm." She looked back up at him, her expression indiscernible. "Your hands have been together for days, in fact. Whatever bond you two formed, it became a necessity. One where you cannot stand to be separated from the other, even on a subconscious level."
Subaru's eyes went wide as his gaze shifted away from Beatrice and down to Pandora. She seemed to sleep peacefully, her breath steadily rising and falling. He'd be lying if he said that he didn't think she was cute like that.
Though, when he thought about what Beatrice said, the more it resembled an anxiety attack of some kind. He realized that was what had happened earlier when he woke up; he was starting to have an anxiety attack. But, when he saw Pandora and acknowledged that their hands were together, he relaxed.
His gaze shifted away from Pandora, directing itself to no place in particular as he lost himself in thought. "I suppose Betty should tell you of what occurred in your absence?" She suddenly questioned him, making him lift his eyes to her. She had an indifferent expression as she looked at him, awaiting his response.
He looked at her, unsure as to what he should say in reply. He was still in a bit of shock from the previous things he was told, after all. It didn't take the spirit long to speak again, once she realized he had nothing to say yet.
"Betty is sure you noticed that… her physical form is not like it once was," she dejectedly said. She used her arms to gesture to her body. Her expression showed her sadness; it showed how ashamed she was to present herself to him as she was. "Betty's skin, her hair… even her eyes," she looked at him, letting him look at the irregular shapes and colors present in her eyes that he hadn't noticed before. Aside from small, unusual shapes next to her butterflies, he noticed a thin orange ring around her iris. Then, around the orange ring, was a similarly thin red ring. Finally, the sclera part of the eye had what looked to be thin, small black veins in them. They were hardly noticeable unless someone looked closely. Noticing all of these irregular features on her made his mind race.
Subaru felt like he wanted to cry. She was so, so different. She looked like she was in pain, too. He gently put his hand on her cheek, keeping his gaze on her. "Beako… What did you do… to yourself," he muttered in his still hoarsely sounding voice, barely loud enough for her to hear.
"I-… It's-" she stuttered, tears once again attempting to form in her eyes. "They're-… consequences of my actions, I suppose."
She averted her gaze as he kept his focused on her. He was more unsure of what to say than before. He was, admittedly, afraid of these implications. Not afraid for himself, no, he was scared for her. Concerned for her; desperate that she'd be okay. "What… What do you mean, Beako?"
She tried to form words, but each time she tried she started in a stutter. Subaru could tell she was afraid, that she was unsure of what he'd say or what he'd think of her. He wanted to reassure her, he wanted to help her, but he had no idea how. After everything she'd been through because of him, he doubted that his reassurance would help much anyway.
Luckily, or unluckily depending on how either of them wanted to think about it, a loud groan interrupted them. Immediately, the two turned to face the source of the noise while, at the same time, Subaru felt a slight pull on his left hand. The platinum haired girl was waking up, her eyes slowly beginning to blink open. It wasn't long before her blinking mostly ceased, with Subaru finally able to look into her deep blue eyes that resembled the sea once again.
Similar to Subaru when he first awoke, she looked straight up at the ceiling. Even after a few moments, she kept staring up into the ceiling. At first, Subaru and Beatrice only assumed that she was taking in her new surroundings. Like Subaru, she had also been trapped in the black abyss of the seal, so seeing something new may perhaps be a tad jarring at first. However, when her eyes suddenly started going wide, her breathing becoming more and more rapid, they knew something else was happening.
Subaru immediately put his face over hers so she could see him, immediately realizing her condition. He had positioned himself a little too close to her face, at least closer than Beatrice was comfortable looking at. He used his thumb to gently caress her hand, so she'd notice they were together, as he began to speak, "Pandora, it's okay… it's okay."
Her eyes seemed to relax; as did her body, which had begun to stiffen. Her breath leveled itself out, reducing itself to only small intakes and outtakes of air. Her eyes moved to look into his, almost as if she were mesmerized by them. Subaru was in a similar predicament as he looked into hers.
The two stayed like that for a while, caught within the trap that was the other's eyes. It was almost as if anything and everything around them didn't matter, as if they were back in the void, as if they'd fallen in love all over again.
Her free hand made its way to Subaru's cheek and put itself against it. She could physically feel him, for the first time. For the first time she felt his hand against hers, with its rough feeling yet soft and caring touch. She could feel his cheek and how smooth it was against her hand. It made her smile, something which he returned with a full heart.
Her mouth went slightly agape, her breath lightly hitting his face as she started to speak, "Suba…ru…"
She moved her hand from his cheek to the back of his head, lightly pulling his head down to her. She put her forehead against his, closing her eyes as she simply enjoyed him being there with her.
"Thought… you were gone," she muttered, slightly surprising Subaru. Though, his smile didn't falter as he similarly enjoyed being there with her in their moment. "Stay… with me."
Beatrice looked on at the two of them, unsure as to what she should say or think. That seemed to be quite common for her now. It was all so bizarre for her, truthfully. After finally getting her contractor back, after suffering for so long trying to do it, she sees his abnormal bond for the Witch of Vainglory. This particular Witch was someone she never thought was capable of change, but her eyes did not deceive her. Not only did Subaru himself change, which itself became evident by his actions and the way he spoke, but the Witch of Vainglory did as well.
She continued to watch the two of them silently. They kept their heads together, eyes closed with smiles on their faces as if it were natural to them. It was as if nothing around them mattered anymore. Even though she really did not want to believe it, what she was witnessing here was pure, authentic love. At first, she considered that the Witch was merely faking it, but there was simply no possible way she would go this far. With the consideration of their subconscious reactions to being separated, she knew this was something genuine.
Never would she have thought that her contractor would fall for anyone besides the half-elf. Never would she have thought that the cruel Witch of Vainglory, Pandora, was capable of loving anyone at all. Never would she have thought that they would fall for each other, out of all things.
Though, after looking at the two of them, Beatrice considered that it may possibly be for the best. Her contractor managed to sway an unswayable heart. A heart that held no true genuine care for anyone or anything except herself and her goals. He had completely changed that person; he made her become capable of true love. That in and of itself was a feat to be recognized.
Soon enough, however, the spirit grew tired of watching them sit there lovingly and coughed into her palm. Though the two of them failed to jolt, or give off any reaction referencing surprise, they both turned their heads to look at her.
Beatrice looked at them, now finally having their attention, "Betty apologizes to interrupt, however Betty feels that she must treat you two, I suppose. Do you think yourselves capable of walking?"
""Yes.""
To Beatrice's surprise, they answered at the same time with, what seemed to be, perfect synchronization. The two of them, also to the spirit's shock, didn't seem surprised about it at all. Instead, they only looked back at one another and gave each other pure sentimental smiles. Beatrice didn't even realize that she glared, since it disappeared as she got herself off of the bed and made her way to the door.
She opened it, turning to the two of them. "If you two can walk, then follow me. I'll get you something to drink for your throats, I suppose."
Since Pandora was closer to the edge of the bed than he was, she sat up first and gave him room to sit beside her. He moved to her right side, their hands still intertwined, both of them now sitting together at the edge of the bed. Together they stood up, simultaneously feeling their legs practically give up on them. They ended up pulling each other closer together, holding one another up so they both wouldn't fall down. Neither of them minded this, even if it was mildly uncomfortable with their hands still together, as they hobbled out of their room behind Beatrice.
Eventually, they made their way into the dining room. Beatrice was kind enough to both get the door for them, as well as help them ease into their seats. Instinctively, once they were both properly seated, they pulled the other's seat closer. In the end, they were practically directly next to each other with their conjoined hands resting between them under the table.
Beatrice disappeared for a few moments, mentioning that she'd be back with a beverage for both of them to help ease their throats and overall condition. The two of them were left alone, seated at the table in the dining room. In a way, them being alone together, seated with the other, felt reminiscent of their time sitting together hand-in-hand within the seal. As they both remembered those times, which felt like an eternity ago, they leaned their heads into each other. They started to twiddle their thumbs against the other's, once again just enjoying the other's presence accompanied with the physical feeling.
When the Great Spirit returned, she offered them both a small teacup with a beverage inside. Beatrice placed the cups in front of both of them on the table, before going to her own seat next to Subaru on his other side. The two looked at their drinks for a small moment before raising their free arms at the same time, picking up their cups and drinking it all in one gulp simultaneously. To say they hadn't drank in forever would have been an understatement. They almost felt as if such a small serving wouldn't be nearly enough to quench their seemingly infinitely built-up thirst.
Though, despite what they had expected, they seemed rather satisfied with their drink. Their throats felt better fairly quickly, no longer dry or in any kind of discomfort. In a way, they felt healed and refreshed.
Subaru turned to look at Beatrice. Pandora did as well, who perhaps had the same question on her mind as Subaru. Though, he was the only one that opened his mouth and began to speak, "Beako, what was that? When did you learn to make that? Because that was amazing." His voice was no longer as hoarse as it was, as well.
He expected her to look happy, or perhaps smug at the prospect of being praised. Instead, she kept an indifferent expression on her face as she replied, "It is just something Betty was required to make over time, I suppose." She took a sip of her own drink, not even bothering to look at him for a reason he didn't understand.
Subaru looked at her with a soft gaze. As if she read his mind and his emotions, Pandora squeezed his hand in reassurance. Subaru took a deep breath, focusing on what he wanted to ask his contracted spirit, despite it being painful for him to do. "Hey, Beako?" She finally looked at him, her eyes showing her true feelings to him. Feelings that made him worried and sad for her. Yet, he did his best to keep going. "Can…" he averted his gaze, finding it increasingly hard to talk to her about something as sensitive as this. Though, with another reassuring squeeze from Pandora, he focused his gaze back onto her and spoke again, "Can you tell me what happened?"
"Pain, I suppose," she answered flatly. "Pain is what happened. Betty and everyone else were in pain."
He didn't know what to say to that, only casting his eyes downward in shame. He felt a thumb caress the back of his hand to help him calm down, a gesture he greatly appreciated. However, nothing could completely wash away the guilt and shame he felt for leaving everyone the way he did. He knew he was responsible for the pain everyone felt. That's why it was his responsibility now to know what he caused to happen to everyone.
He looked back up at his contracted spirit, a hard and determined look on his face, yet a somewhat dark look in his eyes. "Please… tell me. Tell me what happened."
She was silent, looking at him blankly for some time. When his contracted spirit sighed, it threw him off for a moment. "Some of the things Betty will talk about may be things that are hard to hear, I suppose. Some things Betty regrets. Are you certain that you want Betty to talk? After Betty starts, she will not stop, in fact."
He kept looking at her with a hard gaze. If something happened to his friends, his family, while he was gone, while he had left them, he felt like he had to know. He needed to know what he caused to happen by leaving them.
He nodded his head, still determined. After he did so, Pandora wrapped her free arm around him. She pushed her face into his back as she held him close. It was her way of comforting him, knowing that he was going to have a hard time with the coming information. He was glad it was working, and he was glad she was there for him.
Beatrice sighed, scooting her seat closer to her contractor and taking his free hand into both of hers. She moved both of her thumbs across the back of his hand, almost as if to soothe herself. She looked up at him, into his eyes, "Very well, Betty shall tell you."