WHAT IF? - SEASON 2 EPISODE 27 - BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE
Disclaimer: I don´t own Degrassi or the characters from it.
Author´s Note: I´ve been watching the British comedy series "Coupling" these past days and this is a very "Coupling" inspired episode. If you want a great laugh and don´t mind hearing some of the dirtiest humor, you´ve ever heard, I recommend checking it out. Just make sure that it´s the original British series and not the dreadful American remake. This has of course been "Degrassi-fied", which means significantly less dirty humor, but I hope you´ll still get a laugh or two out of it. I also can´t deny, that there´s a huge Seinfeld inspiration to this one. Try replacing Jay with George and Sean with Jerry in your head and you´ll see what I mean.
I also wanted to give you a light hearted episode, since there´s quite a lot of heavy subject matter to come in the season. I hope you´ll enjoy it.
1. Int. Jane´s Mom´s Apartment. Evening.
Jane comes home, still wearing her T-Shirt from The Dot. She hangs her coat and heads into the kitchen, where she´s surprised to see her older brother Lucas.
Jane:
What are you doing here?
Lucas:
I came over to pick up some things. Dad says hi.
Jane:
Say hi to him, when you see him.
She´s about to leave him.
Lucas:
Is that all you have to say to your brother?
Jane:
It wasn´t like we had a lot to say to each other, when we were living together.
Lucas:
How is work?
Jane:
Are you trying to have a normal conversation?
Lucas:
Humor me.
Jane:
Work is work. It could be worse.
Lucas:
Dad is proud of you. It´s made him put pressure on me to get one.
Jane:
You still spend your time hanging out with your loser friends? Can´t say, I´m surprised!
Lucas:
One of them is throwing a party tonight. I´m sure, you´ll be welcome.
Jane looks undecided.
Lucas:
You´re a goody two shoes in school and you have a job! You can take a break from being every middle aged mom´s wet dream of a daughter for an evening, can´t you?
Jane:
I could use a break from the daily conundrum. Let me change first.
Lucas:
I´ll be right here waiting.
She leaves him and he looks pleased. We fade to:
2. Int. Bedroom. Morning.
Jane, who has terrible morning hair and looks more than a little worse for wear, wakes up and holds her hand up to her head.
Jane:
Headache, check! Terrible taste in mouth, check! Nausea, check!
She opens her eyes and yawns, as she tries to untangle her hair as best as possible.
Jane:
At least, I still have my clothes on!
She looks around the room and looks confused.
Jane:
Where am I?
She sees Johnny DiMarco sleeping next to where she was sleeping and has to stop herself from screaming.
OPENING CREDITS
3. Int. The Dot. Day.
Jane is biting into a greasy looking burger and chews it. She looks to be slowly coming to life, while Spinner, Jay and Sean watch her.
Jane:
It´s helping. Thanks, Spinner.
Spinner:
My hang over cure is simple. Fill you body with greasy garbage!
Jay:
It works!
Sean:
What did you do last night?
Jane:
I went to a party with my brother.
Jay:
Did you score?
Jane, who´s just swallowed, gags at the question, making the guys laugh.
Sean:
What was his name?
Jane:
I don´t want to talk about it!
Spinner:
You should see some of the girls, Jay used to hit on! There´s no shame here!
Jane:
I made out with Johnny DiMarco! I almost want to throw up, when I say it out loud!
Jay:
What´s wrong with Johnny DiMarco?
Jane:
He´s a toad with a horrible haircut, who used to pull my pig tails, when we were little!
Spinner:
He was probably trying to tell you, that he liked you!
Jane:
God, I hope not!
Mia comes in and rushes over to Jane.
Mia:
Are you okay?
Jane:
This must be what rock bottom feels like!
Sean:
So you had a one night stand! It isn´t the end of the world!
Jane:
When you put it like that, it somehow sounds worse!
Mia:
I´m here for you, to help you through this! What are you guys up to?
Spinner:
I get to spend most of my Saturday behind this counter.
Sean:
We´re going furniture browsing.
The girls laugh, even Jane.
Jane:
Thanks! It makes my head hurt again, but I needed a laugh!
Jay:
Why is that funny?
Mia:
Nothing. That just sounded very ... metrosexual, for a pair of guys like you!
Jane:
What exactly is "Furniture Browsing"?
Jay:
Ellie wants me to help decide on a new couch, so now I have to find out what furniture I like.
Jane:
You don´t know what you like?
Jay:
It´s more that I don´t care.
Mia:
Didn´t you choose the furniture you have now?
Jay:
The apartment came furnished. Before I moved in, I lived with my dad.
Sean:
Check this out. Jay, what´s your favorite color for a piece of furniture like say, a couch?
Jay:
I like them all the same.
Mia:
No way!
Jay:
It´s true.
Sean:
Jay, how do you feel about stripes?
Jay:
I´m okay with them being there, but I won´t care, if they aren´t.
Spinner:
It´s a marvel of nature!
Mia:
So I see!
Sean:
We´d better get out of here. They won´t stay open all day.
Jay:
Say hi to your new boyfriend from us, Jane!
Jane:
Hear me not laugh!
They head out, laughing, as Jane hangs her head in shame.
4. Ext. Jane´s Dad´s House. Day.
Jane and Mia are talking to Lucas, who thinks that it´s funny and can´t stop laughing.
Jane:
Lucas, it´s not that funny! I need to know exactly what I did last night.
Lucas:
It wasn´t like I was watching you all the time. You really don´t remember?
Jane:
I remember a bottle of rum being passed my way and then ...
She has to stop to gag.
Lucas:
Don´t spew here!
Jane:
Making out with Johnny. I´m fine!
Mia:
Are you sure?
Jane:
I don´t remember, if I did any more with him than kissing. Has he said anything to you?
Lucas:
You probably spoke to him last.
Jane:
I made a run for it, before he woke up!
Lucas starts laughing again.
Mia:
Oh, Jane!
Jane:
I know! Talk about a walk of shame!
Lucas:
I can have him call you.
Jane:
For the love of God, don´t! It´s embarrassing enough, as it is!
Lucas:
Have you thought about giving Johnny a chance? He can be a decent guy, when he decides that he likes someone and I don´t remember ever hearing him say a bad word about you. Enjoy your Sunday.
Lucas heads back inside.
Jane:
You want to hear the worst part?
Mia:
There´s a worse part?
Jane:
I forgot my sweater, in my hurry to get out of there. If I want it back, then I´ll have to talk to him.
Mia:
I hate to say it, but what if your brother is right? It´s better than continuing to pine over a guy, you can´t get, isn´t it?
Jane:
It would be, if it was anyone else. I need to think things over, before I plan my next move!
She looks very annoyed at the whole situation.
5. Int. Furniture Store. Day.
Jay and Sean are looking over the sofas, when a sales clerk comes over to them.
Clerk:
Can I show you something?
Sean:
No, we´re just looking.
Clerk:
We have some nice pink ones in the next department.
Jay:
Why do you think, we´d like pink?
Clerk:
No reason! If you need me, I won´t be hard to find!
The clerk leaves them.
Sean:
You don´t think, he thinks ... ?
Jay:
I think, that I think, he thinks!
Sean:
You´re sure, he thinks, he thinks?
Jay:
I think so! Not that there´s anything wrong with it as such, I´d just rather not if he thinks, he thinks!
Sean:
It´s time to think about something else! Like this couch, for instance. This nice blue couch, that looks very comfy. Try sitting on it.
Jay sits down on it.
Sean:
How do you like it?
Jay:
It´s the same as my old couch. Except that there isn´t that spring sticking up through it.
Sean:
Then it´s an improvement, right?
Jay:
I don´t know. It isn´t shaped to my butt, like the old one is.
Sean:
What about the color?
Jay:
Fine, I guess.
Sean:
You have to admit that it looks nicer than the one, you have now!
Jay:
I don´t know. The old one had it´s charms.
Sean:
Only if you think that holes are the same as charms!
Jay:
I kind of like the holes. Each of them has a story to tell, like that cigarette burn on the far right cushion? I don´t remember her name, but she a devil in the sack!
Sean face palms and rubs his temples.
Sean:
Let´s try something else. What kind of cushions do you like?
Jay:
Why would we need cushions? This couch has plenty of padding for our rear ends!
Sean:
I can´t explain why, but girls love their cushions.
Jay:
Even when there´s no need for them?
Sean:
It doesn´t matter, if they´re needed or not. When a girl moves in, it´s as if they automatically follow her, like fluffy little parasites!
Jay:
Now I have to have an opinion on cushions? It would be easier to kick her out and start over with a new one!
He looks ready to give up.
6. Int. Jane´s Room. Day.
Jane and Mia are hanging out, but Jane still isn´t over her "ordeal".
Jane:
I feel the need to shower again.
Mia:
Have you considered, that this could be a good thing for you?
Jane:
I can´t see how!
Mia:
Say, you started dating Johnny ...
Jane:
You can´t be serious!
Mia:
Hear me out. Let´s forget for a moment, that he´s friends with your brother.
Jane:
And from what they say a total boy slut, who makes out with every girl, who will have him?
Mia:
He´s a guy. It´s in their genes or whatever, to spread their seed.
Jane:
As long as he isn´t spreading it to me!
Mia:
I´m not defending it, but at the same time, I don´t think you should judge anyone, until you really get to know them. You have to admit, that he´s by far the most likable one, out of your brother´s friends. Plus, he has been known to show extreme loyalty, when push comes to shove.
Jane:
I know that this crush on Spinner is hopeless and I have less chance of getting him, than I have of becoming president, but ...
Mia:
But what? It´s been months already and I get why you like him. He´s a nice guy and fun to be around, but he´s likely never gonna see you as more than his girl bro. Before that it was another guy with a girlfriend, who you wanted for months and look where that got you. Is it so out of the blue to ask you consider a single guy, who you must have had some kind of raw attraction to, since you made out with him in the first place?
Jane considers it, since she can´t come up with a good comeback.
7. Int. Furniture Store. Day.
Jay and Sean are still there. The clerk comes over to them again.
Clerk:
Not to intrude, but we close in ten minutes.
Sean:
Thanks and by the way, we´re not ...
Jay:
We just don´t want you to think that we´re ... cuz were not!
Sean:
He lives with his girlfriend and I got a girl pregnant, just last year!
The clerk tries to keep a straight face.
Clerk:
Of course, sirs. As I said, we close in ten minutes.
The clerk leaves them again.
Jay:
Do you think he ...
Sean:
Let´s not get into that again! We´ve been here for three hours and we have figured out absolutely nothing about, what you like!
Jay:
That´s not true!
Sean picks a white cushion with red spots on it up and holds it in front of Jay.
Sean:
What´s your opinion on this cushion?
Jay:
It´s fine, I guess.
Sean:
Just come up with some sort of opinion, on how it looks! Do you like the spots on it, for example?
Jay:
I can´t decide!
Sean:
Let me sum this up. After three hours in this furniture hell hole, the only thing we´ve figured out is that you´re undecided, when it comes to spots?
Jay:
It´s an opinion, isn´t it?
Sean:
It´s the opposite of an opinion! I give up!
Jay:
What do I tell Ellie?
Sean:
Come up with something or tell her the truth and hope, she doesn´t see you as a total freak! It´s buying a couch. You and her can get past this!
Jay looks a little re-assured.
8. Int. Kitchen. Day.
Jane is helping her mom out in the kitchen with making dinner.
Mom:
I don´t like that you were drinking, but we can let it slide this one time. It´s comforting to know, that you at least had Lucas there to protect you.
Jane:
You don´t think, I can kick butt on my own?
Mom:
Oh, I´m sure you can! But when you drink, what you can normally do, goes out of the window.
Jane:
Did you go to wild parties, when you were my age?
Mom:
How do you think, I met your dad?
Jane smiles to herself.
Jane:
You never told me that!
Mom:
It´s the kind of story, that it was better to wait with, until you were old enough. Not that it´s any great story.
Jane:
I still want to hear it!
Mom:
It was a normal Friday. I was supposed to have a quiet night, because I was going to a family friend´s wedding the day after and my parents had told me specifically, that I couldn´t go out and have my Friday Night party time, that me and my friends always had. I spent all week telling my friends that I was staying home, but then I ran into your aunt Maris.
Jane:
Boring aunt Maris? I can´t even picture her at a party!
Mom:
She was worse, than I was! By the way, don´t learn too much from this story!
Jane:
I´ll try my best not to.
Mom:
We devised a plan to help me sneak out, with your grand parents being none the wiser of course, so we could go to this huge house party, she´d heard about. The biggest reason I wanted to go, was because I knew that a guy, I had a bit of a a crush on, would be there. However, when we got there, he was already getting busy with another girl.
Jane:
It sounds like, you weren´t all that different from me. We have the same luck in love, it seems!
Mom:
It took me five minutes to forget about it, because then I met your dad and we got to talking. The first subject we ever discussed was our favorite kind of potato chip.
Jane giggles.
Jane:
You have to start somewhere, right?
Mom:
It didn´t take me many minutes to forget about the other guy. I had so much fun with your dad that evening, that it was almost light, when I snuck back in the house. I got through the wedding and when I got home, the first thing I did was call him. We started dating and the rest is history.
Jane:
It´s a shame you didn´t last, though.
Mom:
Honey, I would never want trade in all the wonderful years we had together, when we were falling in love, moving in together, had you and Lucas and all the great times we had, when you were little kids. Taking a chance on going to that party is the best decision I ever made, because without it, I never would have had you or your brother. That me and you dad grew apart in time is sad in many ways, but it doesn´t erase the good memories, does it?
Jane shakes her head and smiles. It also seems to give her an idea.
9. Int. Apartment Building Hallway. Day.
Jay is walking up the stairs and is trying to think of what to say to Ellie.
Jay:
You should decide, Ellie. I trust your judgment. That might work!
Ellie (off screen):
Be careful around the corner!
He smiles to himself and hurries up the stairs to find Ellie directing two men on getting a couch into the apartment.
Jay:
What´s this?
Ellie:
I know you were set on getting a new one, but the couple upstairs were gonna throw this one out.
Jay:
You know me, I love free stuff!
Guy:
Where do you want it?
Ellie:
I´ll show you.
They carry the couch in and Jay can´t believe his luck.
10. Int. Jay´s Apartment. Evening.
Jay and Ellie are getting comfy on their "new" couch.
Jay:
This is nice! I can´t believe, they were gonna throw it out!
Ellie:
I stopped them, the moment I heard. You really don´t mind?
Jay:
It´s perfect. This way we can spend the money on something else.
Ellie:
We could use a new TV.
Jay:
There´s a lot of things, we could use. I think, we should spend it on us.
Ellie clearly likes the idea.
Ellie:
Explain.
Jay:
We never let ourselves have any luxuries and I love it, when I get to spoil you.
Ellie:
You spoil me every day, just with your hugs and kisses!
Jay:
Still, I think we should use it on a series of modest dates, right here and just the two of us. We make some nice dinner, give each other little presents ...
Ellie:
I´m already sold! What would you like as your first present?
Jay looks a little nervous at being put on the spot.
Jay:
Surprise me.
Ellie smiles at him and they kiss.
11. Ext. Johnny´s House. Evening.
Jane waits anxiously for the door to open. It´s Johnny.
Johnny:
I figured, you´d stop by. Just a sec.
She waits for a moment, until he comes back with her sweater. He hands it to her.
Johnny:
It is yours, isn´t it?
Jane:
Yes. Thanks.
Johnny:
If that´s all ...
Jane:
Johnny, can we talk? It occurs to me, that we´ve never done that before, where it didn´t also involve my brother.
Johnny smiles and seems to like the idea.
Johnny:
What should we talk about?
Jane:
First, I have to ask you something and it´s a little embarrassing.
Johnny:
You want to know how far we went, don´t you?
Jane:
Good guess!
Johnny:
Well, you were pretty toasted last night! We kissed one time and that was it. After that you went off to the bathroom and the next time I saw you, you were fast asleep in my bed. That was two minutes after you left me.
Jane looks relieved.
Jane:
I was picturing the worst!
Johnny:
I locked the door and went back to the party, so you could sleep it off.
Jane:
I owe you a big thanks! It isn´t every guy, who would look out for a drunk girl, they barely know.
Johnny:
That´s never been how I see you. You´re Lucas´ sister and that makes you one of us. It doesn´t matter, which school you go to.
Jane:
This might seem out of nowhere and it´s okay if you say no, but would you like to try going on a date next Friday?
Johnny looks flattered.
Johnny:
You know that Lucas will have a field day with this, don´t you?
Jane:
I´ve always been good at shooting that Neanderthal down! You must have had plenty of practice over the years!
Johnny:
I´ll give you a call tomorrow.
Jane:
Cool! I should get home. It´s a school night.
Johnny:
I can borrow my parent´s car and give you a ride. It´s no trouble.
Jane:
I won´t say no to that!
Johnny:
Just let me get the keys.
He leaves her and she looks satisfied with her decision.
12. Ext. Degrassi. Morning.
The students are arriving for school after the weekend. Among them are Paige, Ellie and Marco.
Ellie:
Is it possible to be in love with a piece of furniture?
Marco:
I think that you can love it, but I´m not sure about being in love with it!
Ellie:
This couch is like a kind stranger, that embraces you body with it´s soft, comforting arms!
Paige:
When can I come over to visit?
Marco:
Me too!
Mia and Jane catch up to them.
Mia:
Morning, Captain. How was your weekend?
Paige:
Kind of dull, but okay, I guess. What did you girls do?
Mia:
I had a normal weekend, but Jane found herself a new boyfriend!
The others look happy for her.
Marco:
Tell!
Jane:
I went to a party with some old friends from Lakehurst at his house and me and him might have made out a little and then I happened to forget my sweater, so I had to come back the day after ...
Paige:
Bonus points for using the classics!
Jane:
Where we might have gotten to talking, when he drove me home and we might be going on a date this Friday.
Marco:
A teenage romantic tale for the ages!
Ellie:
So, he´s a Lakehurst boy?
Jane:
Yeah, I´ve known him since we were little.
Marco:
Long time friends becoming couples seems to be trending lately! Maybe we should try our luck next, Paige?
Paige:
Only in a parallel universe, where you were straight! It looks like Ellie wasn´t the only one, to find a new love this weekend!
Jane:
Don´t make a big deal. It´s just a date!
Ellie:
It´s still exciting! You must like him, don´t you?
Jane:
The thing is that growing up, I never thought, I would. Now I think, I kinda do!
She smiles to herself and Mia looks happy for her too.
CLOSING CREDITS