WHAT IF? - SEASON 5 EPISODE 12 - PRETEND WE´RE DEAD
This one is heavily inspired by the "Clerks" movies. After you´ve read this, do yourself a favor and go watch them. It has a a few scenes with raunchy language in them, especially scene 7 and 8, so if that isn´t your thing, then feel free to skip them. Then again, maybe the real "What If?" of this and all of my other Degrassi series should be "What If Kevin Smith Had Written a Degrassi Series?", so it could be that it won´t make all that big of a difference!
1. Int. Jane´s Room. Morning.
TITLE CARD:
HUBRIS
Jane is sleeping and isn´t looking too pretty at this stage of the day. Her cell phone rings and it wakes her up. She opens her eyes and first tries ignoring it, until it stops ringing. It does and she smiles to herself, as she tries to go to sleep again. It´s a short pleasure though, since it rings again right afterwards and she realizes that she has to do something about it, so she sits up and holds her head, clearly hung over from the day before. She puts the phone to her ear.
Jane:
Hi. I´m alive, I guess.
She looks annoyed at what she hears.
Jane:
You can´t get someone else do do it? Alright, I´ll be there in an hour at the most.
She puts the phone away and tries to wake up.
Jane:
Great! I gotta work today!
From the look on her face, she isn´t exactly looking forward to it.
OPENING CREDITS
2. Ext. The Dot. Morning.
Jane gets dropped off by the curb in front of The Dot, that still has it´s shutters down. The words "I ASSURE YOU, WE´RE OPEN!" are written on them with black paint.
Jane:
Thanks, mom. See ya later!
Her mom drives off and Jane gets a good look at the front of cafe and the writing on it. She looks a little confused by it, but heads inside anyway.
3. Int. The Dot. Morning.
Jane comes in and sees Peter already setting up chairs and the like for the customers they´ll be getting.
Jane:
What wrong with the shutters?
Peter:
Guess who mistakenly brought the key to them home yesterday, the day before she was leaving on a week´s vacation?
Jane:
Paige?
Peter:
She´s on a plane to Hawaii. The owner said that he´ll get a hold of her, as soon as he can. Until then, we´ll have to make due with what we´ve got.
Jane (sarcastically):
Awesome! I wasn´t even supposed to be here today!
She holds her head and tries to steady herself, but has to sit down. Peter looks concerned for her.
Peter:
Are you okay?
Jane:
Just the after effects of an evening, that got a bit too wild!
Peter:
Are we talking a Hootenanny, a Box Social or "Holy Crap, What Did I Do Last Night?".
Jane:
I can´t say exactly what the definition for those first two are, but I would say that it falls under category number three.
Peter:
You don´t usually party that hard.
Jane:
It´s a long story, that I´m too hung over to get into right now. Have you put the coffee over?
Peter:
Did it as the first thing, when I came in.
Jane:
You´re a life saver!
She slowly gets up and goes to get herself a cup of Joe. Peter can´t help finding it a little amusing, how wrecked she looks.
4. Int. The Dot (Later). Day.
With no customers there, Jane and Peter try to pass the time the best they can. She´s building a house of cards out of coasters, while he´s trying to master the art of chair balancing.
Peter:
Am I ready to join a circus?
Jane:
Can I join you with my amazing coaster house building act?
Peter:
I don´t think they would pay you for that.
Jane:
You´re probably right!
Peter:
How´s your hang over going?
Jane:
It´s slowly going away. If we could just get some customers, so the time would pass a little faster, that would do wonders! I don´t think our regulars know that we´re open.
Peter:
I wrote it in large letters! What else do they want?
A pair of customers come in and both of them spring to action, ready for anything that can pass the time for a moment. It´s an elderly couple, who look very friendly.
Jane:
Good morning and welcome to The Dot!
Peter:
What can we do for you on this fine morning?
Elderly Lady:
Is it possible ...
Jane:
We´ll make you anything on the menu, that you want!
Elderly Man:
That she could use your restroom?
They try not to look too disappointed and stay friendly with them.
Peter:
It´s right this way, Madam.
He shows her to the restrooms. Jane makes eye contact with her husband.
Jane:
Do you have any good stories?
The man looks surprised, that she asked him.
5. Int. The Dot (Even Later). Day.
Peter and Jane wave goodbye to the elderly couple, who wave back at them before leaving.
Jane:
That was a few hours well passed!
Peter:
I never would have thought that an old guy like him would have so many dirty stories!
Jane:
Did you think that a woman like his wife would have found them as funny, as we did?
Peter:
Not in this or the next many lifetimes! It just goes to show, that you can judge a book by it´s cover.
Peter checks his phone and looks annoyed.
Jane:
Still no word?
Peter:
How much do you want to wager, that he´s still in his bed and hasn´t tried calling her yet?
Jane:
There´s no way, I´m taking that bet!
Peter puts his phone away and they smile wryly at one another.
Peter:
I´m afraid we´re stuck here alone together for most of the day. At least we´re getting paid for it, am I right?
Jane:
That is something, I guess!
They go back to being bored.
6. Int. The Dot (Even, Even Later). Day.
TITLE CARD:
MIMESIS
Jane and Peter are eating their lunch together, consisting of a burger and some fries for each of them. Otherwise it´s still empty in there.
Jane:
It´s kind of impressive how fast you´ve gotten over the whole Mia thing.
Peter:
What makes you so sure, that I´m over it?
Jane:
That you haven´t freaked out and done anything crazy, I suppose.
Peter:
I wrote a nasty song about her.
She can´t help being a little curious.
Jane:
Can I hear it?
Peter:
I guess.
He wipes his mouth and hums the intro melody for it. It´s clearly a punk song.
Peter (singing):
Who´s the biggest cheating slut at all of Degrassi?
Her name is Mia, she´s less faithful than Lassie!
She tore out my heart in front of the entire school
I hope the guy she dumped me for plays her for a fool
Mia, Screw Ya!
You were bad in bed anyway
Now I´m better off, they say
Mia, to hell with ya!
Mia, to hell with ya!
Mia, to hell with ya!
Mia, to hell with ya!
Jane looks a little shocked at how angry it was.
Peter:
That´s just the first verse and chorus.
Jane:
It´s certainly on the angry side! Firstly, congrats on coming up with a rhyme for Degrassi, even if it´s a forty year old pop culture reference!
Peter:
The only two words I could come with were Lassie and Cassie and I don´t know anyone named Cassie! Do you think it has hit potential?
Jane:
It has potential to be used as evidence against you!
He nods in silent agreement.
7. Int. The Dot (Even, Even, Even Later). Day.
Jane and Peter are playing a game of "Flick Ball", a game where you play at a table and try to flick a rolled up napkin into your opponent´s goal, using your finger. Their "goal posts" are salt and pepper shakers. Jane tries to score, but it flies past the goal.
Jane:
Dammit!
Peter:
The ball is mine! Ha, ha!
Jane:
Yeah, well you still have to score on me!
Peter:
Are you saying, that I have a chance?
He puts the "ball" on the table smiles at her cheekily, making her lose her concentration on the game.
Jane:
I didn´t mean it like that ...
Peter scores on her and looks triumphant. Jane looks annoyed, that he managed to play her.
Peter:
Who´s the man, that just beat you 10-7?
Jane:
Through unfair play!
Peter:
It isn´t my fault, if you can´t keep your mind on the game, is it?
Jane:
No, but there´s such a thing as a moral winner.
Peter:
Moral winner is another way of saying second best! Wanna play again?
Jane:
Nah, three games is enough for one day!
Peter quickly packs the game together and throws the ball out, before sitting down with her.
Peter:
Have you ever had a day here, that was this unexciting?
Jane:
Sundays can be brutal sometimes, or if there´s a big game taking place at school, that everyone´s at. This however, is more like murder!
Peter:
Any hope that it´ll get better as the day wears on, you think?
Jane:
I´m not holding up too much hope, to be honest!
Peter:
You still haven´t told me, why you went all crazy last night.
Jane:
I found out something about Johnny and now I can´t get it out of my mind. I tried to drink the memory of it away, but I can´t say that it helped a whole lot.
Peter:
What is it? I promise, I won´t tell anyone.
Jane:
I´d rather not ...
Peter:
You can´t put something like that out there and then not tell me! Do it as a favor to the guy, that you most likely played an inadvertent part in him getting his heart broken.
Jane thinks about it for a second, but feeling a little guilty over her part in Mia breaking up with him, she goes along with it.
Jane:
Okay, but it doesn´t go any further than this table, you hear?
Peter:
Come on, what is it?
Jane:
Alright!
Peter:
Did he rob someone? He did, didn´t he?
Jane:
No, it´s nothing like that, although I´m sure he´s gotten up to a lot of things, he´s never told me about! He told me from the start, when we first talked about sex, that he´d had it with three girls. Which I was fine with and he hasn´t given me any reason to doubt him, when it comes to that number before or since.
Peter:
Sounds pretty average to me.
Jane:
What I found out yesterday was that he only meant having actual intercourse with them. Other kinds of sex didn´t figure in to that tally.
Peter begins to see what she means.
Peter:
You mean blowjobs?
Jane:
Not only that, because like the nice guy he is, he returned the favor to those girls most of those times.
Peter:
That´s ... gentlemanly of him! How many are we talking here?
Jane:
Thirty-six.
Peter makes wide eyes at that number.
Peter:
Does that include you?
Jane:
Including me, it´s thirty seven.
Peter:
Let me get this right! You´re saying that your boyfriend has had his tongue up thirty-seven different pussies?
Jane:
After he told me, every time he tried to kiss me, all I could think of was all those vaginas, I´d be kissing at the same time!
Peter:
That is impressive, I gotta give your boy that!
They´re interrupted, when a customer comes in. It´s Darcy.
Darcy:
Are you open?
Peter:
We certainly are and we´re not done talking about this by a long way, Jane!
He gets up and goes to tend to the customer.
Peter:
What are you in the mood for?
Darcy:
Can you make me a ham and cheese sandwich?
Peter:
Coming up! Anything to drink?
Darcy:
A Pepsi would be nice.
Peter:
Anything for you, Darcy!
They smile at one another and Peter goes to make her food. Darcy sits down with Jane, who tries to force a smile for her, but it´s hard.
Darcy:
Hi, Jane. Anything wrong?
Jane:
My boyfriend ate 37 pussies!
Darcy:
In a row?
Jane shakes her head at her own predicament.
8. Int. The Dot (Even, Even, Even, Even Later). Day.
Peter is on the phone with the owner, while Jane waits in anticipation.
Peter:
Alright, I´ll see you Monday.
He hangs up and puts his phone away.
Peter:
He said that he can´t get a hold of Paige and that he won´t be able to get in contact with the company, that fixes the shutters for us, until Monday. He´s keeping the cafe closed tomorrow.
Jane:
What about today?
Peter:
He asked us to keep it open until eight o´clock, in case we get some dinner guests.
Jane:
I guess that since we´re here anyway, a few more hours won´t kill us.
Peter:
Wanna hang out after work?
They both laugh at the suggestion.
Jane:
No offense, Peter, but eleven hours mostly spent alone with you will be enough for one day!
Peter:
None taken, if you don´t mind me feeling the same way.
Jane:
Any big plans for how you´re spending your evening, once we get out of this place, where time stands still?
Peter:
Hearing what your boyfriend has been up to has given me some inspiration ...
Jane:
I said, we´re done discussing that topic!
He laughs to himself.
Jane:
Anyway, it was a long time ago.
Peter:
Why does it still bother you then?
Jane:
Wouldn´t it bother you, if a girl told you that she´s given blowjobs to that many guys?
Peter:
Not as long as she´s brushed her teeth since then! Your big problem with this isn´t what he´s done, it´s knowing that he had an active sex life, before he met you, that you didn´t know about. So now, you feel like he´s been lying to you all this time.
Jane:
You don´t know what you´re talking about!
Peter:
Don´t I? I thought that I knew Mia better than anyone could and she went and slept with someone else, so don´t tell me that I don´t understand what it´s like to feel betrayed by the one you love! I still don´t get how it came to that, because right up to the end, she had me thinking that everything was fine.
Jane looks at him with sympathy and decides to come clean.
Peter:
It drives me crazy to know, that Danny and Chantay knew before I did! Who knows how many else did, until I finally found out?
Jane:
I found out a few hours before you did.
Peter:
Was that why you had that long talk at the restaurant?
Jane nods and looks him in the eyes.
Peter:
What did she tell you?
Jane:
Are you sure, you want to know?
Peter:
I need to. Please, Jane.
Jane:
She told me, that as much as she loves you, she doesn´t have the same passion for you, that she used to. She thinks that she´s going to find it again with this new guy.
It´s clearly hard for Peter to hear, so she takes a small break to allow him to let in sink it.
Jane:
Do you want me to go on?
Peter nods.
Jane:
It´s not that you did anything wrong, Peter. It´s just one of those sucky things that happen sometimes, that you can´t do anything to prevent.
Peter:
How did you react?
Jane:
I told her to follow her heart. I´m sorry, Peter, but she´s my best friend. I told her that she shouldn´t keep your strung along ...
He storms off and locks himself in the bathroom. She looks sad at his reaction, but at the same time not surprised.
Jane (with great frustration in her voice):
I wasn´t even supposed to be here today!
She sulks at the thought that Peter is hating her in the bathroom.
9. Int. The Dot (Even, Even ... okay, that joke is getting old, so I´ll stop it now!). Evening.
TITLE CARD:
CATHARSIS
Peter comes out from the bathroom, having raged out enough. Jane looks apologetic.
Jane:
Am I number one on your hate list now?
Peter:
No, that´s still Mia, followed by whoever the guy who´s sticking it to her is! You´re still on my top five favorite list, in spite of what you did. You did it because you meant the best for both of us and that´s so typical of you, that I can´t hate you. It was me who asked for the truth, so it wouldn´t be right of me to hold it against you, that you gave it to me.
She looks relieved.
Jane:
I´m so glad to hear that!
Peter:
I promise you that I won´t tease you anymore with that other thing either, although it is pretty funny, when you consider how you´re reacting to it!
He moves over to be close to her and smiles at her. She gets a little embarrassed over it.
Jane:
I wish that I could be like you and forget it, like it had never happened. I can´t deny that it´s made me look at him in completely different light, just like you said. That doesn´t mean there isn´t a certain grossness factor, that I don´t know how I´ll get over, but you were correct in everything you said otherwise.
Peter:
What are you gonna do?
Jane:
I don´t know. On one hand, it shouldn´t bother me, since it´s so far in the past. On the other hand, I can´t deny that it does.
Peter:
They´re just female reproductive parts, Jane! Most of us started our lives by coming out of one, so what´s the big deal?
Jane:
The big deal is that the thought of doing that to a girl is icky to me, okay? It was one thing when I thought it was only me, he´d done it to, but now ... I don´t know if I can ever kiss him again!
She gets an idea and looks Peter in the eyes.
Jane:
Have you done it to anyone?
Peter:
Only Mia.
Jane:
Okay, I should be able to shut that out. No one else?
She puts her arms around him and pulls him in so close that they´re touching.
Peter:
Jane, what are you doing?
Jane:
Trying something out. Do you mind?
Peter:
That depends on what it is.
Jane:
I think, you can guess what´s on my mind.
Peter:
What about Mia?
Jane:
She´s moved on, so stop talking and kiss me.
Peter shrugs and looks fine with it and they kiss. At first a little awkwardly, but it soon turns into a very passionate one.
10. Int. The Dot. Evening.
Peter and Jane are getting ready to lock up, which on this day isn´t the hardest of jobs. Both of them look in much better mood now though and like they have renewed energy.
Jane:
Do you think it makes me homophobic, that I find male on female oral sex icky?
Peter:
What if it´s female on female?
Jane:
They can do what they want, for all I care! I don´t plan on ever kissing any of them!
Peter:
In that case I´d say that it´s slightly hypocritical, but you´re clearly not homophobic.
Jane:
In this case, I´ll take one over the other!
Peter:
Did you feel like it´s icky, when you´ve done it to a guy?
Jane:
I never have before. Not that Johnny hasn´t tried to get me to, but I´ve always said no.
Peter:
Never?
Jane:
It´s one of those things I could be ready to try someday, but I´m not yet. Do you think that makes me a prude?
Peter:
What I think is that you shouldn´t do anything sexual, that you don´t feel ready for. Any guy who doesn´t respect that, doesn´t deserve to be with someone like you.
They finish their work and celebrate with another kiss.
Jane:
Is this what we call one night stand time?
Peter:
I can keep a secret, if you can. Which I´d prefer, since your boyfriend would murder me and everyone I know, if he found out!
Jane:
There´s nothing to be scared of, Peter. I promise.
Peter:
I can´t imagine that Mia would be too happy with this either.
Jane:
Which is why we keep what happens today between us. Agreed?
Peter:
Agreed.
They smile at each other.
11. Ext. The Dot. Evening.
Jane is watching Peter lock the Cafe up for the night and both of them look glad to be done for the day.
Peter:
Never has the sound of a lock being locked sounded so sweet!
Jane:
Don´t you think it ended up being a pretty good day after all?
They kiss again and look happy with what they´re doing, at least for now.
Peter:
I´ll be home alone until well over midnight.
Jane:
Want some company?
Peter:
I thought you didn´t want to hang out after work.
Jane:
That was before.
Peter:
Before what?
Jane:
Before we started doing this.
They kiss once again.
CLOSING CREDITS