Who I Am - Lightning99

Chapter 13:

Fantasy and Reality

Ash's euphoria depleted by nightfall. A beautiful, ombré night sky fell upon Melemele, royal blue shading the horizon into dark navy above, accentuating the innumerous, scattered platinum stars. It was a half-moon that evening, one-half hiding, and one-half showing, a feigned personality.

Ash fantasised through the window that the air outside was chilly because those were the nights that he loved camping under, starry and cool. Nights during which he'd look up at the ever-changing sky, the cosmos, relishing the pleasant breeze's kiss on his skin if one blew, nature's lullaby filling his ears. The frequency never dulled the experience because every night the colour palette and the dot-to-dot constellations shaping patterns his imagination alone could join varied. He would always watch the sky after his full-on, challenging days, after some late-night training or eating an appetizing meal created by Brock, then Cilan, then Clemont, when he felt that feeling of intense satisfaction as his exhausted muscles mixed with his sleepiness. He adored the tranquillity ushered by nightfall, prioritised it; like the obligation of eating breakfast to fuel him for the day, stargazing calmed him for the night.

Dawn and midnight were Ash's favourite times of the day, where the moon and sun were the most beautiful. He still enjoyed dawn every morning, training early, but reminiscing on the second made Ash wish he was out there in that moment, laying in a sleeping bag by a lakeside, watched, monitored, by the galaxy's starlight eyes. He was surrounded instead by the stuffiness of body heat, compact and cosy around a mahogany table inside the Poké-Center, sat between Kiawe and Mallow, the latter's head dangling near his shoulder as she laughed. He stared out the window, thinking, hearing snippets of conversation in earshot through breaks of thought. He enjoyed their company greatly, but it wasn't the same. He didn't have his peace of mind late at night.

Ash admired his new friendships and felt shocked that after all that had happened, he'd found friends so easily. He drew people and Pokémon towards him like a Klink to an electric field, yet that magnetic personality and charisma made it hard to know which face and name would maintain their vow of friendship. Ash thought of Brock as a true example. Despite that, Ash couldn't understand why, since his reunion with Team Rocket, he couldn't settle around his new friends. A mystery feeling haunted him.

"You're obsessed, Kiawe!" Mallow giggled, bumping shoulders with Ash, jostling his mind from his reverie. Ash gave a coy smile. He'd heard everything Kiawe said and didn't know how to respond to the praise about his abilities.

"Thanks, Kiawe. I have experience. I've learned a lot of strategies for different scenarios from battling loads of different trainers. And I've been able to work out different ways to learn moves, tactics, that sort of thing," Ash said, unconsciously twisting his Z-Ring on his wrist.

"That doesn't explain how a Pikachu learned Volt Tackle without harnessing a light ball's power at birth! You're some kind of move magician!" Kiawe said, slamming his plastic cup of sitrus berry juice onto the table. A yellow droplet sloshed over the edge, splatting onto the table.

"Can't you just accept it?" Lana asked, watching Mallow sit up from nudging Ash's shoulder.

"Actually, I agree with Kiawe. I would like to know," Lillie said, raising her hand like she was a frightened schoolgirl. Ash frowned.

"Same here! A light ball's properties include a super-charged, condensed matter of electricity, so by the mother Pikachu harnessing this energy, it is passed on to the child. Because of this, their body holds too much electricity, so they have to unleash it however they can. Volt Tackle uses a tremendous amount of electricity, so to stabilise the electricity balance in their body – and by that I mean get rid of some – the Pichu uses Volt Tackle. From then on, they have access to the move. Or so the research goes. It is said that because of this, their first Volt Tackle has twice the power. How, then, does a Pikachu gain enough raw electricity in its body to have this occur?" Sophocles asked, looking intently at Ash, who felt slightly intimidated by the boy's knowledge of Pikachu considering Pikachu was his partner.

"Have you ever thought that if they simply absorb enough electricity from an outside source, they'll be able to use it?" Ash asked.

"Of course, but absorbed electricity is stored primarily in their pouches rather than their whole body as it is excess electricity."

"I don't think it's as complicated as you're suggesting. Maybe they can just learn it through chance, or different methods? Honestly, Pikachu's been stronger than your average Pikachu from the moment I got him as my starter, so maybe that's why. Could he have been born with more electricity stores in his body? It's like humans if you think about it. Why can some people do some things, and others not? Why do we all look different? Pokémon, despite being the same species, are all born different. Maybe Pikachu was born that way."

"You're referencing genetic inheritance there, right?" Kukui, who had joined them after returning from the next island over, asked.

"Uh… Yeah, I guess?" Ash replied, unsure what Kukui meant.

"Ya know, they inherit genes from their parents which determine what they're like, their characteristics? It's true. Just like humans, Pokémon's genes are half from either parent, so your Pikachu's parents could both have had high electricity content in their bodies which equates to high levels of power, therefore your Pikachu is much stronger because they passed on the genes which hold this information. It's the same with shiny Pokémon. The shiny gene is recessive, so it doesn't show up often, only if the other genes coding their fur or skin colour are also recessive. Does that make sense?" Kukui explained, folding his arms.

"I think I get it, yeah. It's the same with abilities, right?" Ash asked, thinking of Infernape's Blaze. "Hidden abilities are a rare occurrence, meaning the gene for those is recessive. And normal abilities can be more effective depending on their genes?"

"Exactly, cousin! You got it!"

"Where did you learn all this stuff?" Ash asked, feeling overwhelmed.

"We were taught it last year in school. Did you not go?" Lana bluntly asked.

"Lana!" Mallow shrieked. Her bluenette friend shrugged.

"It's ok, Mallow. She's right, I didn't. Not past the age of ten, anyways. I've been travelling since, learning on the road! That's not exactly the field I want to go into, so I didn't see the need to know when I was younger. I was kinda a hard-headed kid back then!" Ash explained, chuckling, unfazed by Lana's comment. "Now, though, I guess I could learn a few things."

"That's not uncommon in this world, Lana. Over here in Alola, people don't start adventuring until they're about fifteen and receive a starter from one of the Kahunas, despite being able to start the Island Challenge when they're eleven. Elsewhere, as in Kanto, you can get your first Pokémon at age ten. That law stands here too, but our customs rarely adhere to it. In some cases, outside Alola, people don't attend further education because they want to work with Pokémon. If those people change their minds, they often return to education.

"In Alola, we have a school system where we teach the students in a relaxed manner, a kinder environment, about Pokémon until they are thirteen. Of course, not everyone stays on the entire time since they could leave at ten if they really wanted to. Then, they have the chance to continue learning different subjects at school until they're fifteen or head out into the world. It's different in different cultures. Education then continues from age sixteen to prepare them for all types of jobs, if people want to," Kukui explained, stealing their attention with his artistic arm movements as if gesturing a diagram.

"I see…" Lana trailed, looking at the floor ashamedly.

"Don't feel bad, Lana. It's alright! I've never been the smartest kid!" Ash said in hopes of cheering her up. She offered a small smile, but nothing more.

"I left school at fifteen because I wanted to conquer the Island Challenge, and I achieved my goal! Now, all I want to do is follow in my grandfather's footsteps and become a Trial Captain, then an Island Kahuna!" Kiawe explained.

Lillie parted her lips as if preparing to speak but she hesitated, lowering her shoulders and her head to look at the floor.

"Well, I'm definitely taking over my restaurant, so I didn't need to stay in school any longer! Being taught by a specialist – my father – can give me all the qualifications I need without any real testing!" Mallow added.

"This is one of the best things about travelling: you get to meet people and Pokémon from all over the world, and even see how things are different in different cultures! It's amazing to hear all of this when comparing it to back home," Ash said.

"Oh, I completely agree! I did my share of travelling, and it was a life-changing experience, yeah! I came back and returned to school to learn how to become a true Pokémon Professor from everything I experienced!" Kukui said.

Sophocles spoke next, explaining his dedication to first becoming a Trial Captain, then an Astronaut. Lana followed, briefly detailing, in a few words, her dream of exploring the depths of the sea for a glimpse of Kyogre. Listening to them all documenting their dreams was enlightening to Ash and oddly reassuring. He began pondering ways he could aid them, how they could achieve their dreams together, cement their bonds in a way they couldn't be tampered with.

Then Ash felt it again, that nagging, the unknown sensation that made him feel distant from them. When he thought to help them, something hurt inside him. He almost knew what it was, but it was as if the key was out of reach.

"Oooh! What's the time?!" Mallow suddenly cried, using Ash to hoist herself upright – Lana watched her drop her hand onto and push off Ash's thigh.

Sophocles glanced at his plastic watch. "It's ten o'clock, almost. Why?"

"Ahhh! Nurse Joy, please can you turn the TV on?! And switch to Poké-Vision?! I can't believe I've missed most of it!"

"What?!" Ash blurted, standing so quickly his chair clattered backwards onto the wooden panel floor. His eyes were suddenly scars of the day weeks before, wide and looking mangled, and at that moment, he knew what the nagging was. It was his past repeating. He'd lived through that same conversation multiple times, everyone explaining their dreams and goals, and so many people had promised that they would live their lives together, help one another achieve those dreams. It was as if it was a foreshadowing of history repeating.

The chair hitting the wood alerted everyone like a finger click in a void, a small sound somehow turned deafening. They all looked at Ash. Claustrophobia tightened his chest.

"Poké-Vision! It's a streaming service where Pokémon trainers can create videos to share with the world! People have become extremely famous and popular from it. Haven't you heard of it? Us girls love it! Oh, and Kiawe does!" Mallow answered.

"Ah, be quiet, Mallow! I don't!" Kiawe cried, obliviously continuing their happy mannerisms.

"Uhh – yeah – yeah, I've heard of it, but I thought you couldn't get oversees channels in Alola," Ash said, panicked. He had only ever heard of few Poké-Visioners. And one of them was Serena.

"Oh, it's a separate streaming service. People all over Alola love it, so it was licensed for viewing in Alola! Ooooh, I hope our favourite Visioner has a new video out! I've heard she's been through a tough time. I hope she's ok!" Mallow said, glancing up at the screen.

The static blipped and the picture formulated. Ash stared with his mouth ajar at the familiar logo branding the channel in the corner of the screen.

"-first place for most popular Poké-Vision video of the week goes to the newly-popular, rising beauty, 'Kalos Princess' Serena Yvonne and her Braixen for their touching video regarding the loss of their friend, including a powerful message of how she and her boyfriend are trying to move past the tragedy and 'live every day to the fullest in recognition of life's fleeting nature', as are her words. Truly a touching video! Here it is now, you adoring fans!" a lady's soft voice announced.

"Ooooh, she's got a new video out!" Mallow cried, jumping from her seat. She skipped to Lillie and guided her from her seat, who also looked quite eager to watch.

Then Serena was on the screen, sashaying across a grassy canvas that Ash recognised as Pallet Town's natural backdrop, the camera positioned away from the wreckage, her lips moving, her arms gesturing. Mallow swooned, whispering gushed comments to Lillie as they watched each clip with the masterful diligence of reporters, draining each syllable for its hidden meaning, the context, the root of its scripting. Sophocles shouted and leapt forwards in front of the screen, barging Kiawe aside. Lana stepped forward too, joining Serena's trance.

Ash didn't share their apparent awe. Her soft voice was screaming at him, the background was in flames, his Pokémon littered the grass, glaring. None of it was there, but Ash still saw it, the images of what had been, what had happened. Ash succumbed to a different trance: remembering. He didn't blink or speak. He watched with sunken, dull eyes, his ajar mouth holding in every breath, his shoulders drooped.

"Wow… She's let her hair grow out again! It looks beautiful…" Lillie commented.

Sophocles jumped up and down, a childlike bounding. "She's so beautiful!"

"Forget that! She's finally opened up about having a boyfriend!" Mallow said, excitedly.

Ash couldn't move.

"Isn't she amazing, Ash? She's so strong and talented! Ooooh, I wish I was her!" Mallow said, turning around.

Mallow regarded Ash with surprised eyes. Lillie swivelled next and noticed the same as Mallow. "Ash?" Lillie softly asked, taking a step forward.

Ash barely heard her. Lillie's words were whispers, far-away whispers as if he was nearly deaf or his eardrums were overloaded from a point-blank crack of thunder.

"Huh?" Ash asked, awakening from his stupor. He finally looked away from the screen, seeing, one last time, Serena, spinning as she danced, the skirt of her dress fanning outwards. "Oh – I'm – I'm fine. Just – gonna get some air."

Ash rushed out of the front of the Poké-Center, ignoring the concerned calls following him. He already felt the tears burning his eyes before he reached the battle arena around the back. He slumped over a picnic bench, a bench identical to one they'd sat at before, together, eaten at together, laughed together over Clemont's lunches. Ash let the tears fall. He accepted that he wasn't ok.

He wasn't ok.

Ash had trained and battled and made friends like any previous journey in Alola, and he'd thought he accepted the betrayal, that he could handle the memories and the thoughts, the dreams, but that was only in his head. It was make-believe. Seeing a reminder, the most hurtful reminder possible, showed him he couldn't handle facing it, the truth, seeing them again, seeing her again. Even seeing her through a monitor when she was half-way across the world had rendered him in that state. Seeing her in person would be impossible. It was different in his dreams. He only repeated what had happened. They couldn't hurt him any further in his dreams. But they could in person.

Ash suddenly didn't want to return to his new friends. They were people too. They could hurt him too. Suddenly, thrusting himself into a new life seemed only a ploy now, to shun his old one, to pretend as if he'd been living a fantasy.

Ash wasted ten minutes on his emotions. He sat up, wiped his eyes against his bare forearm. They stung, as they did when opening them after awakening from a forced unconsciousness. Being knocked out, like those times in Kalos, when Serena still cared, when Clemont was his brother and Bonnie his sister. A few more tears fell.

Pikachu padded into the outside light which flicked on with his movement, his ears drooped over his face. He wore a frown. Pikachu jumped onto Ash's leg, and Ash let his hand land on his partner's head. He didn't smile, though. He couldn't muster it.

Ash soon decided he needed to think, so he walked. Out of the Poké-Center, past the doughnut van, Ash watched the grey road under his heavy feet, his hat angled to shade his face. Every so often, a yellow streetlamp illuminated the greyscale darkness, pale and dull not orange and warm as they had been every other night. Everything seemed different under the weight of feeling dejected.

Ash didn't look up from the bland stone until he reached the beach, which was empty for the night. The couples strolling hand-in-hand on the sand, pledging pure promises of love and devotion in their other world – the world of love, the one Ash existed in after kissing Serena – had abandoned it for the night.

Ash walked down onto the sand and to the waterfront. The waves lightly trickled up the beach, then went out again, the bubbling residue froth lingering, fading away as if it hadn't existed. Ash sat at the water's edge and listened. He heard only the calming swishing of the waves and an Alolan Pokémon's chirping resonating from the faraway forests. Then he looked up, as he did on those nights out in the woods, and the tranquillity calmed him, as it had done every night out in the woods. The royal blue-navy sky now bore beautiful streaks of dim purple.

Sat there, admiring the sky, Ash's shoulders slackened, his eyes softened, his breathing slowed. His thoughts started moving. He considered everything: Oak and his friends and Pokémon betraying him, the attack that destroyed his home, his new friends, his trial win, Team Rocket. He had essentially lost everything, but now he had some of it back again. He questioned why he was sat out there on the beach, moping, when what he'd lost was back in the Poké-Center. But he knew why immediately; he was scared it would happen again.

He considered his next step. He wanted to stay in Alola. He wanted to continue the Island Challenge. He wanted to be with his new friends. That was his new plan. He'd promised to help Lillie with her phobia. He wanted to get to know Mallow, Lana, Sophocles, Kiawe, Lillie, Kukui, Hau, anyone else. Building friendships was what he loved. He knew what he wanted to do. But he couldn't forget. He knew he would never forget. And, suddenly, he didn't know whether he wanted to.

Maybe that's what I need, Ash thought, to carry on despite everything, to not ignore what happened. To accept what they did as my reality.

It seemed logical. Acceptance hurt, but it was logical. For now, anyway, acceptance was good enough. Maybe he would never heal, or maybe he would. That was for another day. Now, all he had to do was accept it and not pretend it hadn't happened.

Ash thought of Serena and though it hurt terribly, he thought of Brock, Gary, Dawn, those that weren't there to betray him, finding comfort in their loyalty. Things weren't as bad as they first seemed. Ash felt bad, now, for fleeing their enjoyable night on a spur of over-emotion. What would they think? Would they judge him for it?

Ash suddenly heard a voice behind him. Turning, he saw his new friends stood in a huddle on the sand, smiling at him.

"Are you ok, Ash?" Lillie asked first, brushing her dress' frills beneath her as she sat down on the sand beside him. The rest sat in a crescent either side of them.

"We won't ask what happened," Mallow said, "we just want you to know if you're ok."

"I know we only met a little while ago, but I seriously felt what a strong guy you are through your battling, you know? So, man, whatever spooked you like that must be serious!" Hau said.

"Didn't we agree we weren't going to ask?" Kiawe said, frowning.

"Well, you can't help it if Hau's too thickheaded to listen," Lana deadpanned, smirking.

"What'd you say?!" Hau cried, leaping onto his feet, kicking up sand.

"Hey! Watch it, Hau!" Sophocles complained, brushing sand from his shorts.

"Oops, my bad!"

"Alright, stop being children, and Hau, sit back down!" Mallow mothered, gesturing to Ash. He only watched with a smile.

"You do seem ok," Lillie suddenly said. Ash simply nodded because they had come to find him, just as his friends before him had, as Brock used to do, someone loyal to him, but also as Serena did. But they were different people. They hadn't berated him, hadn't tried ruining his life. They were different.

Ash wasn't ok, but, with the help of his new friends, he knew he could be.