Who I Am - Lightning99

Chapter 31:

Lillie and the Pokémon Egg

It was another of those distressing mornings, plagued with panic and torment, born from her erratic subconscious.

Lillie awoke before dawn; the room was still moonlit-dark, it was sleeping, the rhythm of Ash's soft breaths breaking-up the nightly silence. She still saw through the pale light, despite the night. As she slowly sat up, rubbing her eyes, glancing around, she unwittingly glimpsed her body. Only momentarily, but a moment was enough for the phantasmal memories to appear. Lillie saw the images of her past flit through her head all at once. They were only illusory images – in reality, all she was seeing was the darkness – and she knew they were, yet it seemed as visible as a video being replayed to her, but only of the scenes depicting her struggles. As if the rest was cropped out.

Her attack of recollection proved too tormenting and overpowering that time: Lillie lay petrified in her bed, clutching the sheets to her chest with trembling arms, hot tears trickling down her slightly puffy cheeks. For about an hour they played – she assumed – but she lay there for much longer, all the while enduring the persistent distressing thoughts, fear, and depression that accompanied the aftermath.

Dawn had long passed when Lillie finally calmed, which was instigated when Ash's groggy, yet soothing voice wished her 'Good morning'. It was as if his conscious presence neutralised her overwhelming terror immediately. Lillie assumed that impossible rescue was another result of the bizarre occurrences she had experienced within herself when around Ash. Recently, Ash was affecting her in strange ways: whenever he spoke to her and spent time with her, her mood brightened; Lillie felt her cheeks heating up if he walked or stood by her side or if he showed that handsome, signature grin towards her, forcing her to reciprocate a similar one; whenever she was around Ash, Lillie forgot all about her troubles and remained pointlessly cheerful until hours after he was gone. Lillie had no idea what was going on. She hadn't felt anything so euphoric before.

Lillie tried her best to respond without her voice wavering or cracking, without it sounding tearful, yet succeeded at hiding none of it. It was probably because her reply had been so muffled that Ash headed for the bathroom without any indication that he had noticed her state, a fortunate fluke on her part.

Her memory 'attacks' had been getting worse lately, opposing Ash's effect on her. Now, sometimes, the images hounded her when she simply looked in the mirror. It was unpredictable in those cases, enough to dampen her mood, but not enough to petrify her. Whenever she saw her reminders though, her scars, she felt as she just had: paralysed, tormented, and trapped. The consequential hysteria grew more powerful each time. As with Ash, Lillie couldn't surmise a reason for the increasing severity of the ordeal. She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted to be able to join her friends in having fun, as with the lake yesterday, during which time her mood had fallen drastically. She wanted to be able to live happily.

That's why, at about ten o'clock, after ducking into the shower before Ash could see her properly and greeting all of her friends for breakfast, Lillie headed out of the Poké-Center and towards the lab in Heahea City, a place named the Dimensional Research Laboratory. A possibility to alleviate her situation resided there. Lillie had explained her visits to the lab to her friends as meeting somebody important to her, as with Ash's inquiry the previous day, but that was a half-truth.

The person she was meeting was one of three individuals who knew of her situation, the other two being Professor Kukui and Kahuna Hala: a woman named Professor Burnet. Four months ago, Burnet had found her washed ashore out front of Kukui's house one morning, and since then, after she explained her situation, Burnet had been helping her however she could. Lillie had explained the flashes of memories she had been having, so Burnet suggested a method to uncover the truth. So, currently, as she had told Ash, Lillie was waiting to receive some results from Burnet of a special scan she had undergone the day Ash battled Hau. A key step in overcoming the increasingly difficult memories she suffered from. That part she hadn't told her friends.

"T-This is it," Lillie said, stopping outside the lab doors, turning to face Mallow, her escort, who was on her way to her trial site. "Thank you for walking me."

"No problem!" Mallow responded with a smile that eased the nervousness clutching Lillie's heart towards the impending results.

Departing from Mallow with a wave, Lillie hesitantly entered the sandy-walled lab. She was feeling a little bit hopeful towards the news, and extremely nervous. The results could show anything.

Offering a timid wave to the lady at the front desk, Lillie ascended to the third floor via the elevator and stepped into the familiar lab. The walls of the room were light grey, sectioned into faint squares by white lines; a checked pattern of white and cadet grey adorned the floor. To her immediate right stood two blurred panels, beyond which, centred in the room, stood a long rectangular table cluttered with tabletop PCs and the necessary accessories, rounded by rolling chairs. A wall of large television screens depicting all sorts of data – a heat map, a scanner of the whole island – faced the table. On the other side of the entrance stood a huge bookcase chocked with files and full boxes.

Timidly greeting the workers as she passed by, Lillie headed to the door beyond the bookcase, beside which a plethora of different machines buzzing like Magnemite and more television screens were stationed. She entered through the door into an office, shutting it behind her.

Unlike the bright white, monochrome workspace outside, the office was more homely: the walls were panelled with what looked like red oak wood, and the floor was carpeted. A few bookshelves lined the walls and a cupboard stacked with files stood on her immediate right, beside a counter with a coffee machine and a fridge. Opposite to her was a window peering over Heahea through wooden blinds. Positioned against the same wall was a cherry wood desk topped by picture frames, a vase of flowers, another computer set-up, a journal, and a mug of coffee. And behind the desk, on a spinning chair, spun Professor Burnet.

Professor Burnet was an eccentric woman, as was her appearance. Her eyes were a striking yellow, and her hair white, pointing upwards yet tied in a loose ponytail, maintained by an upside-down green headband – her fringe and the parts that fell over her shoulders were curled like streaks of electricity. Unlike the lab coats of her colleagues outside, she wore a grey vest-top and black stirrup trousers, with green slip-on shoes and a black and orange jacket tied around her waist.

"Lillie! There you are!" Burnet announced. She stopped spinning on the chair, which Lillie knew she did while she thought. "Take a seat."

"Thank you," Lillie said graciously, but her voice sounded incredibly nervous. As she took a seat on the comfy chair the other side of the desk, Burnet reached over, gently placing her hands atop Lillie's trembling ones.

"Try not to be nervous, dear," Burnet said, retracting her hands and offering a warm smile, "the results won't change."

"Y-You're right," Lillie said. "Does that mean you have the results?"

"I do," Burnet said, picking up some papers. "Do you want me to explain, or do you want to read it?"

"C-Could you explain, please? I-I'm too nervous…"

"Of course," Burnet said sympathetically. She shuffled the papers, placing them down in front of Lillie.

"First, I'll explain the procedure. The scan we had you undergo was a new process that Kukui and I created. As you know, my research concerns different dimensions, so the scan we did isn't really my forte, but an aspect of my research focuses on people who have travelled to these different dimensions. Those who cross over and returned, or those that come from these other dimensions, have different energy signatures to us, something we found out quite a few years ago. We call them Fallers – although, we've only ever met one.

"Now, this energy signature can be detected with the technology we had, but we want to study it in more detail. Scans such as x-rays don't work in that sense because it doesn't give us answers in as much detail as we would like. Kukui and I, by mixing science and Pokémon moves, came up with a way to get a more detailed image of the goings-on within the body as well as the accompanying data. This scan is actually what won me the 'Alola Woman of the Year' award this year," Burnet explained pridefully.

Lillie, listening intently, could feel her chest constricting the longer she had to wait for the results.

"The scan we created is quite complex. You need a few specific Pokémon with specific abilities and moves, and they must be trained in certain ways. Firstly, a Kadabra with the Inner Focus ability and the move Miracle Eye. Miracle Eye, in battle, allows Dark-Types to be hit by Psychic-Type moves. Kukui said this is because the move allows the user to see the make-up of the Dark-Type's body and typing so accurately you can alter the make-up temporarily, allowing ways for Psychic-Type moves to hit. The important thing is that it can be used to see the structure of an organism's body. It can do this with humans too. By combining this with Inner Focus, it allows the Miracle Eye to be more accurate since the Kadabra doesn't flinch. It can keep its body completely rigid. Movement makes the image of the body blurry.

"Using these two together, the Kadabra visualises a perfect image of an organism's structure in its head. However, it is in black and white, kind of like an x-ray image. To counteract this, Kukui suggested we sent a weak pulse of Psywave – or, really, a form of energy – through the body. We used Chimecho, a Pokémon originating from Hoenn, to do this. What that does is highlight the different parts of the body different shades because the energy reacts at different speeds to different body parts. Again, similar to how radiation reacts faster or slower on different parts of the body in x-rays. As a result, the Kadabra can see an image of everything going on in the body, coloured specifically.

"The issue here is that Kadabra is the only one that can see it. So, we have a Kirlia with the ability Telepathy connect its thoughts to the Kadabra so it can share the image. Again, this has to be trained. Then, the Kirlia connects its thoughts to one final Pokémon: Porygon. Porygon is an artificial Pokémon made up entirely of programming code and data. So, by putting the image into the Porygon's mind, the image is converted into programming data since that is Porygon itself. Then, all we need to do is use the Porygon's Download ability to transmit the data onto a computer and create a physical image for us to see. By doing that, we can get an image similar to an x-ray but with more detail, and the required data outside of the image for further research is on the computer. Does that make sense?"

Lillie honestly couldn't give a straight reply. It was simply mind-blowing to think that, by training Pokémon in such a way, something so intricate and beneficial was possible. It was a breakthrough in itself. But she merely nodded in response, too distracted by the results of her scan to offer more.

"So…" Burnet said, sighing deeply, pulling out one final sheet of paper. She placed the sheet onto the desk and slid it to Lillie. "This is the x-ray like image we have of you, Lillie. Since you told me about these images, and I know you haven't had a doctor properly look at you after… everything, I recommended you have this scan. So, really, for two reasons. This is why we asked you to close your eyes: because it involved Pokémon being near you."

"Then that was why I felt uncomfortable?" Lillie asked, scanning the image. It looked very much like an x-ray only coloured randomly, probably to some sort of code Burnet knew. Little smudges of purple that looked like blots of paint caught Lillie's attention.

"Probably, yes."

"What are these purple parts?" Lillie quickly asked, panicked because, to her, it didn't look healthy.

"They're what I need to talk to you about," Burnet breathed. Once again, she reached over the desk, holding Lillie's hands this time, looking her in the eye. Lillie felt slightly comforted by the action, even against the rising panic of her serious tone. She tried to prepare herself. It was time to find out the results.

"Thankfully, we didn't find any damage or anything of that sort related to your injuries, which was one reason for the scan…" Burnet said.

Lillie allowed a sigh at that.

"But the other reason, the purple smudges, well… We came across this foreign substance in your blood. Since we had to determine what it is, the process took longer than we originally thought. We've discovered it's a strange type of neurotoxin. From what we could tell, this type of neurotoxin amplifies thoughts and actions. In your case negative thoughts and actions. However, since there's a low supply in your body, it can't influence your actions, only your thoughts. Hence, we've concluded that the reason you're seeing such lucid and harrowing flashbacks of your past is because of this neurotoxin. Since it focuses on negative thoughts in your case, I think the happier you are, the more it amplifies the negative ones. Lillie… if this continues getting worse, your memories may be all you think about…"

Lillie froze, yet she began hyperventilating at the same time, a strange combination. The thought of having such a foreign substance in her body, causing such terrible feelings, made her teeter towards a panic attack. "H-How did this happen?"

Burnet continued. Lillie guessed it was because she had to explain it all at once or else she would have had to experience that feeling all over again. "I believe the only way it could have gotten into your body was through open cuts. Do you ever remember coming into contact with a strange Poison-Type Pokémon?"

Lillie shook her head. She definitely couldn't. Not in the memories, either. The only unidentifiable thing she could envisage from her flashbacks was a bubble-like structure.

"You explained that it starts whenever you see your scars, and I think that's because that's where the toxin itself is most prominent. When you see them, you think bad things automatically, and that's only amplified. Some people consider scars memories of your struggles, but for you, having them in itself is a detriment to your health."

"W…What can I do?!" Lillie asked, desperately.

"The best thing to do is to go to the hospital and take Heal Pulse therapy. It's a process where a Blissey uses Heal Pulse on you in a specific way to heal the body. It takes place throughout a few sessions. It can heal everything small, like cuts, scars. Not bones, though. That is the only way I can think of to help you. The only problem is… you have to touch the Blissey for it to work…"

Her only option was to face her biggest fear. To do something she was unable to. Her only cure was out of reach. She was trapped.

Once again feeling helpless and terrified, Lillie pulled her knees to her chest, leaned back in the soft armchair, and cried. Several emotions hit her all at once, a jumble of such confusion all Lillie could do was cry because there was no other way to explain it nor express it. Soon after her tears began, Burnet rounded the desk. She knelt beside Lillie's chair and pulled her into a hug.

They remained that way for a while, Burnet rubbing her arms soothingly, Lillie releasing all of her emotions. This time, to somebody else. Strangely, it felt good to have someone see her cry, a tiny relief in her tapestry of struggles. She didn't have to hide how hurt she was sometimes. She didn't have to lie about it. She wasn't alone.

After some time, one of Burnet's co-workers knocked on the door, announcing that they were going to start an experiment. Seeing as Burnet had work to do, Lillie quickly visited the toilets in the lab to clean up and headed to the door despite the woman's protests in that she could postpone it.

"Lillie," Burnet said in the lobby, relieving her of another hug, "keep working at getting close to Pokémon. If you make it past that hurdle, you should be ok with the Heal Pulse therapy. I know you can do it."

"T-Thank you, Professor Burnet…" Lillie said. Tentatively reaching forwards at first, retracting, then risking it, Lillie gave Burnet another final hug before leaving.

When she stepped out into the non-airconditioned warmth outside, she decided to wander around Heahea City while she processed everything she had heard. She had no destination. Anywhere was fine; all she wanted to do was gather her thoughts on her situation without breaking down. More calmly.

She set off to the left of the lab.

The afternoon dragged on. Lillie still couldn't surmise a concrete way to describe how she was feeling even after reiterating Burnet's explanation several times, even as the golden flecks marking the inception of the sunset faded into existence. The closest she could get to describing it was scared. Terrified. Lillie still hadn't been able to comprehend the entirety of her situation either. There was so much going on that she couldn't control; she felt helpless towards her own mind and body, her entire self. There was nothing she could do. It made her want to curl up in bed and lie there, doing nothing but absorbing the calming warmth the sheets offered.

Her wandering led her all over the main island, mostly to places vacant of other people. Currently, she was walking through the forest path of route 6 just outside of Royal Avenue. It had been packed with people in there, so she had passed it by, not keen on being surrounded, smothered when she was in such a fragile state.

The edge of Paniola Ranch in view, Lillie heard her name being called from the way she had come. She flinched in panic, her chest tightening again, not knowing how she would react to someone's presence. She didn't want anyone to see her. But it was Ash. That was all that she needed. Her tension dissipated.

After greeting her, however, Ash quickly interrupted her response, sounding concerned. "Are you alright?" Ash asked, looking her in the eyes as if reading her.

"O-Oh, yes… no, not really… I… I didn't get good news at the lab…"

"I see…" Ash muttered. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Lillie faltered. Truly, her answer was yes. That was what she wanted to say. It was what she should have said. But her nervousness spoke for her instead. "…N-Not right now… Sorry, Ash."

"Huh? Why're you apologising?"

"I feel bad keeping things from you," Lillie said. She looked at her feet to avoid his eyes, fiddling with her hands.

"You shouldn't feel bad about that."

For a few minutes, the slight awkwardness that had appeared between them – of which Lillie knew she was the cause – was filled with small talk about how Ash had been at the Battle Royal Dome all day, training. By the time they fronted the little wooden hut in Paniola Ranch, their conversation was stopped when the door of the hut swung open, a voice shouting out from within.

"Thank you for the check-up! Have a nice day!"

From the doorway stepped a man Lillie quickly recognised. She had seen him on television talk shows and displayed in countless articles. With white hair cropped to his shoulders and a dark tan, it was Samson Oak. In his arms, he was carrying two small yellow containers.

"Samson!" Ash said, announcing that he too knew who he was. Given the use of his first name rather than his title as a professor, Lillie assumed they knew one another well.

"Ah, Ash! What a pleasant surprise, and a stroke of Golduck, might I add," Samson responded, nodding towards him, then Lillie herself in greeting. "And who might you be? Your girlfriend, Ash?"

"H-Huh?!" Lillie stuttered, becoming flustered. Her heart rate sped up to a pace much faster than any other situation could have risen it. "N-No, I, umm…"

"Ah… This is Lillie. She's a friend," Ash introduced awkwardly. He locked eyes with Lillie, in which she could see a sincere apology.

"I see, I see, I was only mes-Silcoon-ing. I am Samson Oak," Samson said, laughing to himself.

"N-Nice to meet you. Umm… Mes-Silcoon-ing?" Lillie asked.

"Samson enjoys Pokémon puns. I think he means messing," Ash explained. "Speaking of puns, did you mean seeing me was good luck when you said Golduck?"

"I did indeed!" Samson explained, crouching down and placing the two containers on the floor. He lifted the lids, and Lillie gasped. Placed inside the containers were two Pokémon eggs. The egg in the left container was mostly brown, embellished with orange swirls shaped like little waves on and around the bottom. The right egg was an immaculate snow white and dotted with clouds of various shades of blue. Lillie was entranced by the eggs. She had read all about eggs and the beauty of the life within but had never before seen any in person. While both were beautiful, the white egg, gleaming in contrast to the other, stole Lillie's attention the most.

"I've been looking for you. I was thinking that you could take care of one of these eggs for me, Ash."

Crouching down also – Lillie did too to get a better look at the eggs – Ash tilted his head to the side. "Really?"

"Indeed. Within these eggs are Mew-two of the same species of Pokémon. One of them is Kantonian, the other is its Alolan variant. As my research covers Alolan variants, I want the two Pokémon to be nurtured similarly to compare their natures upon hatching. To do this, I would like some help in caring for them until they hatch. I thought, given your experience, you could take one along with you. When it hatches, we can meet back up and I carry out my research, then you can add it to your team if you so wish."

"Huh…" Ash muttered ponderously, scrutinising the egg a little bit. "Yeah, I don't mind taking it along. But how are you going to take care of yours? In my case, wouldn't it be around battling all the time? And I get the idea yours wouldn't be."

"Ah, yes, that's so-Mothim I overlooked. Something significant, too… If it's around battling, that would undoubtedly alter its personality…" Samson muttered to himself in the same way Lillie had often caught Kukui doing. It seemed as if mumbling was an automatic trait owned by any enthusiastic professor.

"Then…" Ash muttered, "How about letting Lillie take care of it?"

"M-Me?!" Lillie cried, startled by his sudden suggestion.

How could Ash possibly suggest such a thing? Sure, she had researched Pokémon eggs and the proper procedures for nurturing them, but she had no experience in practical execution. Plus, she had her fear holding her back. She didn't know if she'd even be able to hold the egg with the state she was currently in, the turbulence of her emotions. Although, she couldn't deny the jump of excitement she felt when Ash suggested it. Many times, in her past, as a small girl, she had pretended to take care of her plush Pokémon and eggs in the way a child plays, as any girl her age of a similar mentality would have. It was one thing that she could do to occupy the loneliness, but it birthed a deep desire to take care of a real one herself. An egg wasn't yet a Pokémon. Could it be a loophole?

"Yeah!" Ash said.

"Yes, I think that could work," Samson said pleasantly.

"B-But I don't have any experience. I couldn't possibly take care of a Pokémon egg sufficiently, especially with…" Lillie trailed off, finding it hard to mention her fear in Samson's presence. But it seemed Ash knew what she meant.

"Lillie, you're one of the smartest people I know. I know you've done loads of research on the subject," Ash said, and Lillie couldn't deny her smile at the compliment.

"T-That is true…" Lillie muttered.

"I won't try and force you," Ash said calmly, soothingly. "But I think it could be beneficial for you. I've had experience taking care of eggs in the past, so I can help you out however and whenever you need. Plus, Brock is a Pokémon Doctor. He can teach you anything I can't."

"Ash…" Lillie muttered. The soft look in his eyes was much too powerful. Despite her hesitance, despite her worries and fear, seeing that was all she needed to discard them and form an answer. Mustering as much determination as she could, Lillie nodded. "I-I'll do it!"

"Awesome!" Ash shouted, throwing up his arms in a celebratory manner.

"Excellent," Samson added. "Which egg would you like to take with you?"

"The white one, please," Lillie said without hesitation.

"Of course. Here you are," Samson said, placing on the lid, and handing it to her.

"Thank you very much," Lillie said graciously, taking it into her arms. She didn't know if she could hold the egg because it was covered, but it didn't matter. The warmth of a life was in her arms, in her care; she could feel the warmth emitting from it even through the cover. She knew she had to do everything in her abilities to make sure the egg hatched healthily. It was her only little challenge. And she was ready for it, the confusion of her feelings in response to Burnet's news now tucked away elsewhere for the moment, replaced by responsibility. And it was all because, once again, Ash had done something for her.

"Alright, then," Samson said. "I will be on Akala Island for a little while longer. If you ever need to find me, come visit the ranch here."

"Ok. Thank you again, Professor Oak."

"Oh ho, no worries! I will see you–"

"Actually, Samson, can I talk to you about something? It's kinda important," Ash suddenly said.

"Oh? Of course. Shellder we go to the Pokémon Center, then?"

"Yeah, thanks," Ash said.

They set off for the Poké-Center. But the mystery of Ash's conversation was the last thing on Lillie's mind. She was focussing on the egg hugged in her arms, wondering whether she could do it. Wondering if, one day, it could allow her to hold Pokémon. So far, she had improved in petting Pikachu, but maybe the egg was her true beginning.

Lillie headed upstairs while Ash spoke with Samson and decided to make a soft bed of cushions for the egg on the armchair in the corner. Nestling the egg in the centre, Lillie spent a long time just looking at it, smiling. Inside of it was her very first Pokémon, something she had been wishing for, for countless years. When it hatched, she could join her friends in playing with their Pokémon together. She could finally become a real part of the group. That was how she felt, anyway, and what she hoped.

When Ash returned to the room, looking perplexed, and they prepared for bed, Lillie had one question in mind for him before she snuggled up for the night.

"Ash," she tentatively asked, "why did you suggest that I take the egg?"

Ash smiled, not taking even a second to think about his answer. "As I said, I think it'll really help with your fear of Pokémon. I mean, hatching your very own Pokémon has gotta help, right? And…" Ash said, trailing off. "I thought it might make you happy. And it seems like I was right."

"Make me happy?" Lillie asked, taken-aback.

"Yeah. You were sad because of the news you received, right? I thought it might make you feel better."

Lillie said nothing after that, other than a quiet 'thank you'. She didn't know what to say. Facing away from Ash so as he didn't see her glowing expression that she thought probably illuminated the darkness, Lillie lay in bed, snuggled up in her quilt, pondering his answer for a long time. She was awake for a lot longer than she had wanted to be, her smile never leaving her lips. Ash had done everything for her sake. Despite the terrible news she had received and the assumption that she would feel terrible about it in the morning, Lillie didn't think she could feel any happier in that fleeting moment.