Who I Am - Lightning99

Chapter 39:

A Subconscious Belief

Following the shortcut, Lillie and the others had only reached the rear of their Poké-Center of lodging when Mallow caught up to them. Dawn immediately asked what happened, but Mallow postponed the conversation with a single, reserved shake of her head, beating them inside.

Lana and Kiawe were back by then, the latter pacing in the foyer. When they entered, the pair asked how the trial went, where Ash was, and, in Lana's words, why Mallow looked like a confused Happiny. Mallow parried their questions again, gliding onto the settee in the corner, hunching slightly in contemplation.

Lana surveyed everyone awkwardly. All they could do was shrug in turn and sit around Mallow, waiting. Thankfully, nobody else was in the lobby, giving them free rein to borrow extra chairs.

Displaying uncharacteristic haste, Lillie was the first to sit down– she quickly claimed a seat beside Mallow on the settee. Given that, like Dawn and probably Lana, she held some insight into what might have happened, she was nervous to hear Mallow's explanation. But she couldn't wholeheartedly claim her nerves were for Mallow's sake. Since leaving the jungle some strange anxiousness had warred within her to the level of discomfort. She hoped Mallow's story would abate it.

"Ok, I'm lost. Am I missing something? Do we really have to be so serious about Ash's trial?" Hau asked from the entrance. He and Clemont had not moved. Their confusion was only natural: none of the boys knew what had just transpired. Why Kiawe had moved, Lillie could only guess. Him thinking Ash had achieved some legendary feat in the trial and thus was keen to hear of it did not seem too far off.

Mallow sighed, though her strange smile did not falter.

"I just confessed my feelings to Ash," Mallow answered. Both Kiawe and Hau released a collective 'Oooh', and one of the door-blockers took their seats. Clemont, though, became a bright shade of red and started twiddling with his glasses faster than physically possible.

"W-What?! You like Ash?! Like like?! How did I not know this?!" Clemont rambled, wobbling to his seat.

"Ash did tell me how oblivious you could be," Dawn mused. "You two are the same in that regard."

"So, you did confess in the end?" Lana asked from the other side of Mallow. "What made you do it?"

"Well… After the forest caught fire from Ash's Fire-Type Z-Move–"

"What?!" Kiawe asked, alarmed.

"No, no, it's all ok. Tapu Lele fixed everything. It was a consequence of a battle."

"Even so! That's reckless…"

"It is, and I'm sure he knows it, but it's not unheard of," Mallow said. "Things like that happen all the time, especially in Lush Jungle. Olivia told me there have been several fire scares in the past because of battles. The wild Pokémon cause a lot of problems," Mallow said. "Anyway, Ash ran in to save some Pokémon and that just… Yeah…"

"Uh-huh… Since you're smiling like an idiot, but also not squealing about having a boyfriend, I don't know how to take this…" Lana muttered.

"What happened, Mallow?" Lillie asked in a soft voice, trying to ignore how bothered she was by that word and the possibility of it being true: boyfriend.

Mallow talked them through it. She emphasised how hard confessing had initially been – something that strangely worried Lillie – then how easy it became. When Mallow mentioned that despite her initial inability to act, she kissed him on the cheek, some frightening blend of sadness, disappointment, and slight annoyance ambushed Lillie, discomforted her. It startled her that a kiss made her feel such feelings. So that nobody could tell, Lillie looked at her lap while attempting to expel the unwanted emotions.

"After the kiss, everything kind of hit me, so I ran off. I don't think I was ready to hear an answer. I don't know if Ash had one," Mallow concluded. "Now that I think about it, I've never seen Ash so shocked by anything, even after what he's been through. Maybe you were right, Dawn. Maybe it was too soon…"

"Please don't think like that, Mallow," Dawn said, her tone consoling.

"Too soon?" Hau asked. He was ignored.

"She's right. All you did was express your feelings. There's nothing wrong with that. I imagine Ash was just shocked. Dawn said how dense he was, right?" Kiawe added. Mallow nodded, but Lillie already knew she would not stop wondering if confessing had been rash. For Ash's sake.

"I'm relieved that I finally told him, and for some reason, I feel… content. Knowing I had the courage to put my feelings out there is amazing. Obviously, I'm nervous for his response, but I'll just have to wait and see," Mallow said with a softer cheerfulness than normal, something that surprised Lillie. She imagined, if she were in that situation, she would have been worrying non-stop over the answer. She wondered then if she was more worried about Ash's answer than Mallow.

"Hello, everyone," Brock announced himself a moment later, pulling up a seat beside Kiawe. "Is something the matter?"

"Not particularly," Dawn said. "Mallow confessed her feelings to Ash a little while ago. We were just discussing his reaction."

"Oh?! You finally told him?!" Brock asked, his voice leaping.

"You knew without anyone telling you?!" Mallow asked, incredulous.

Brock laughed. "Of course! I'm rather observant of such matters. What happened?"

Mallow recounted the story once more; Lillie had to avert her eyes again when her emotions grew too powerful.

"He just froze?" Brock asked for confirmation, his initial elation dampened. Mallow nodded, and he released a heavy sigh. "Dawn, you told them about – you know, right?"

"Only briefly," Dawn confirmed.

To the side, Hau said, "Wait, I'm confused. Dawn said it was too soon? How come?"

"Until recently, Ash had feelings for another girl. But that whole situation did not end well, so I thought it might've been best to be cautious about confessing too early. I don't know if I was right," Dawn said.

"We've missed a lot, it seems," Kiawe said.

"You're right there…" Clemont added.

"Lana mentioned it seemed like Ash didn't believe Mallow could have feelings for him, so maybe that was why he froze: he didn't expect it. It was an offhand comment he made, so I'm not sure what to make of it," Dawn continued.

"What? Ash said that?" Brock asked Lana with sudden, unnerving seriousness.

"Yeah, more or less," Lana answered. "I spoke to him one night and he basically said there was no way Mallow could like him."

There was a pause.

"Right – ok," Brock muttered. "Do you mind if I talk with Ash alone when he returns? I need to confirm something."

"What do you–" Clemont began.

Brock shook his head. "I'll explain later. For now, could everyone give us some space? I hate to inconvenience any of you, but…"

"No, it's ok Brock. If you need to talk to Ash, we'll let you," Mallow said, the first to stand up. "I just hope everything is ok."

"Thank you, Mallow. I'll let you know when I want to talk," Brock said.

With that, the group dispersed. Lillie noticed Lana following Mallow up to their room, the short girl looking so determined Lillie wondered if she should back Mallow up. Instead, she decided to head to her room and spend some time with her Pokémon egg to distract herself from her unease.

After everyone vacated the lobby, Brock pondered the situation while waiting for Ash to arrive. He had expected there to be some repercussions on Ash's mental state from his whole ordeal, but Lana's observations suggested it could be worse than he had anticipated. Had Ash, despite the contagious happiness he exuded and how he was thriving in Alola, unconsciously convinced himself of something damaging? Had he missed such a change in his closest friend?

When Ash finally wandered into the Poké-Center two hours later, still looking somewhat dazed, Brock yanked him to the settee. He first, wearing a joyous, curious façade, asked for Ash's recount of his trial, listening patiently while he detailed the event.

"I… feel really guilty. I nearly caused a forest fire," Ash said when he concluded the Totem battle.

"Hmm… You're right, that was careless. How did it happen?"

"I underestimated Inferno Overdrive. I didn't realise how big it would be. It wasn't like that when we trained."

"I see… Well, try not to feel too bad. It didn't turn into anything major. Yes, I could reprimand you, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You know better now. Pokémon really can be destructive."

"They can; in my first week as a trainer Pikachu destroyed Viridian's Poké-Center so… That doesn't stop how bad I feel, though."

Brock would have questioned that outrageous statement, but now wasn't the time. He paused before speaking again to give Ash a brief respite.

"I heard Mallow stopped you after the trial," Brock said, watching Ash so carefully he deduced the slight twitch in his smile. "What did she say? Lana's dying to know," he asked through another façade of ignorance. He hated lying to Ash, but it was the only way.

"She congratulated me on completing the trial and… told me she really likes me."

"Oh?" Brock asked, infusing into the word as much as the over-zealousness as possible.

"'Oh' what?"

"She really likes you, huh?" The suggestive lilt in his voice was so thick even Ash seemed to get it. All he did was chuckle.

"I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't like that, ok? She just wanted to say how much she appreciates me. There's no way Mallow likes me that way."

Brock frowned. Ash's reaction to such a blatant confession was enough for him to assume that, after Serena's hypnosis-enforced lie, something had shifted in him. But, he wondered, how deep did the damage go?

"What do you mean? Why couldn't she like you?" Brock prompted. When Ash flinched, Brock had a sudden thought.

Was Ash scared?

"Well… I just find it really difficult to believe that's what she meant. It's me, after all. And I don't want to misinterpret something again. I don't want a repeat of last time…"

Ash's honesty was enough for Brock to confirm that Ash was indeed scared. Of being hurt or being in love, he couldn't determine. Either way, Ash didn't even seem to realise what he was saying, the gravity his words had, nor the impact it could have not only on him but Mallow too. And Lillie, Brock supposed; if his intuition was correct, especially Lillie. Ash was still Ash, but his view of love had become misguided. That hurt Brock too because he was not shy to admit that he loved Ash like a brother.

After that, Ash asked him about his day, and though he enjoyed recounting the doctoring he had done, Brock's mind was occupied pondering ways to fix Ash's broken, fearful heart. He did remember to let Ash know that the Stufful was almost back to full health, however.

Ash headed upstairs after their conversation. From the stairway, Brock could see Lana's eager gaze, however, he told her they would talk tomorrow. He wanted more time to think.

But the next day seemed to fly by. He spread a message to everyone to gather that evening after Ash was asleep, and spent the day thinking of what he had to say.

When everyone was back in the huddle, eyeing him expectantly, Brock felt the pressure. Not only would he have to explain what he learned, he knew he would have to explain what had caused it. He would have to explain Ash and Serena. Doing so in front of Mallow and Lillie, two people he assumed had feelings for Ash, would only hurt them, but, as tragic as it was, not because of the situation. Because he had to explain that Ash had been – and still might be – in love with another girl.

"Unfortunately, you were right, Lana," Brock began, and Lillie already felt a Shadow Sneak of dread. "Ash doesn't believe Mallow likes him, even after her confession. He doesn't believe that she even could like him. He doesn't even realise that's how he's thinking. I think he's subconsciously scared of anything to do with any such feelings, his own or someone else's."

All at once, Lillie recalled all the times Ash asked her if she was ok, the smile he always wore, the kindness that was his Natural Gift, and she recalled wondering if he were as ok as he appeared. She wished she had been able to see that he wasn't ok, in the way she knew he could see through her. An ache of sympathy grabbed her chest; mingled in with it was some strange pain.

Nobody responded as they registered what Brock was saying. Lillie had to admit it was odd to think that Ash was so hurt when he acted perfectly normal outwardly, without there being any evidence of it.

When Mallow responded, her shaky words made Lillie feel even worse because Mallow had taken her advice.

"I shouldn't have confessed–"

"Don't do that," Brock firmly interrupted, as if expecting it. "It's not your fault, Mallow; it's none of ours. Don't for a second blame yourself. If anything, your confession has allowed us to realise this situation. So please, Mallow, don't do that." Brock's voice softened at the end; Lillie could tell Mallow accepted his words.

"What – uhh – what caused this?" Lana asked.

"Some of this might be hard to hear…" Brock said, looking pointedly at Mallow, and, Lillie noticed, subtly at her.

"Please," Mallow urged through the turmoil possessing her cheerful eyes. Lillie imagined such turmoil was evident in hers too – it was all-encompassing in her thoughts. That little glance from Brock suggested the explanation would hurt her too. But why?

When Brock inhaled and exhaled, stretching out the motion as if preparing himself, Lillie realised it was worse than a simple rejection, which is what she had assumed when Dawn initially told them.

"You already know Ash liked someone in the past. I don't want to completely disrespect Ash's wishes, so I won't say who. The reason it didn't end well was because of the whole situation that Professor Oak caused," Brock began, and that creeping dread curled around Lillie's heart. "You already know Oak blackmailed several of Ash's friends into following along with the idea to have him stop being a trainer, but what he didn't mention was that this girl was also… involved." With that intro, Brock told them everything. The more he said, the worse Lillie felt.

The first bit of news that affected her was the unveiling that Ash and the girl were in love. Lillie was shocked that the first thing she did after hearing they were in love was wipe her eyes to stop the warm, awaiting tears from falling before anyone noticed. Somehow, Brock's revelation emptied her mind and heart of everything except a confusing melancholy, devastation, and pain so profound that one more tap would initiate her tears. Together, those feelings rivalled the turmoil her memories instilled; she had to try her hardest not to display them.

For now, she didn't want to consider why she felt that way. She focused on Mallow's pained, disappointed look instead, but she couldn't help wondering why she felt she had taken this news worse.

Brock confirmed they were in love with Clemont, who told them that, after their journey together, the girl had kissed Ash on the lips. Lillie felt another fraction of her fragile heart crack, those same emotions that bothered her when Mallow mentioned kissing him returning twice as strong. Why did it hurt so much?

Brock, his expression pained, then explained Ash's love for the girl was the reason Oak's situation broke him. When he unveiled Oak had the girl lie and tell Ash their kiss meant nothing and she was with someone else, a tear fell down Lillie's cheek from the sadness of it all before she realised it. She quickly wiped it away though, distracting herself with studying Mallow's stunned reaction again, thankful nobody seemed to see hers. Nobody except Dawn, who was watching her with a saddened look. She didn't think about that for now.

Hau asked why she lied, and Brock hesitated before telling them Oak had forced her to lie using hypnosis. Lillie did not even try to suppress her gasp. Kiawe, Lana, and Hau shouted in outrage. All Lillie could think was how horrible being effectively torn apart by what Professor Oak had done must have been for both Ash and the girl. She realised she had been right to wonder how much more Ash was suffering than he explained that day of Oak's trial. This time, it was a lot harder to wipe away her tears.

She didn't realise she was the only one crying.

When things settled down, Brock resumed. "Just imagining how horrible that must have been for the two of them…"

"But Ash explained that it was actually to protect him, right?" Kiawe asked, almost desperate.

"Right," Brock said. "But Ash didn't know that at the time. He believed her. He's had time to heal since then, but I'm certain it made Ash subconsciously scared of feeling that way again. So, he's convinced himself nobody could like him romantically, no matter if someone confesses."

The room fell silent after that. It was evident that everyone was much too shocked to comment. Lillie was, and the fact that Ash had been burdened with that anguish for so long and yet acted so cheerful bothered her.

The silence was eventually broken by Lana.

"When Ash told me there was no way that Mallow liked him, he said it so certainly that it bothered me. It makes sense why now."

"That's why he froze and had no response for Mallow…" Kiawe deduced.

Again, nobody said anything else for a long time after that. For once, Lillie was the one to break the silence. There was something that needed to be done.

"I-I want to help Ash somehow," Lillie said, and it seemed her quiet voice came as a surprise to the group. "He has tried to help me so much. I want to do the same for him."

"Me too," Mallow added. "Now that we know this, we have to do something."

"Thank you," Brock said. "I agree, as I'm sure you all do. For now, though, it's late, and that's a lot to take in. I think we should stop for now. We can talk about this tomorrow."

The group dispersed easily, something about their disbanding bringing some sort of calm. Mallow was subdued as she left with Lana, and the others disappeared in silence. Lillie, though, remained on the settee, attempting to sort out her emotions; she felt so many things she did not know what to do. Brock and Dawn were watching her, sympathetic.

"Lillie?" Dawn asked, sitting beside her. Lillie only had to glance at her to tell Dawn knew what she was feeling. "Are you ok?" Lillie shook her head in the tiniest way before fleeing to her room no matter the impression that left, the message it gave.

Lillie forgot she shared the room with Ash for the tiniest of moments before she saw him and heard his gentle, sleep-enforced breathing. She froze at the door, then slowly approached him, watching his content sleeping face. A face that showed no ounce of the hardship buried so deep within.

"I'm so sorry, Ash," Lillie whispered, and just like that, the tears returned. They didn't stop for a while. With such a revelation on her mind, getting to sleep was difficult. She managed eventually.

That night, however, Lillie had another nightmare, a vivid glimpse into a time she had been forced to stand still, despite her terror, while a machine imploded around her. She awoke with a gasp, jolting into a sitting position, panting at the border of hyperventilation. Snuggling into her blanket for comfort, she tried to calm down before she awoke Ash. Her heart sped right back up when he rushed to her side.

"Lillie, are you alright?" Ash asked, looking nowhere but her eyes. His worry was so genuine that for the first time, she did not give her automatic response. "You started breathing quickly and shuffling around…"

Lillie gently drew a breath, her eyes widening. Did that happen whenever she had a nightmare? That thought would have made her panic if not for Ash's comforting presence; it cleansed the fear her dream had produced, it calmed her down until all that remained was a light warmth.

"I-I'm ok. I just had a nightmare," Lillie replied.

"Are you sure? I'm worried about you… You've been quieter and on your own more lately."

Lillie smiled involuntarily. Discovering that he paid so much attention to her was lovely to hear. But then it faltered when she realised Ash asking her how she was feeling so directly, so sincerely, was the chance she had been yearning for, for so long. It was her chance to unveil her troubles to him.

But Lillie refrained. Everything Brock had told them still pervaded her thoughts. She decided that, despite the huge chance, she couldn't burden Ash with her problems. Not now. Knowing he noticed was enough. Knowing how much he cared was enough. He would undoubtedly ask again in the future. Maybe she could tell him next time.

She almost second-guessed herself because of how normal Ash was acting. Brock was right when he said this issue was a subconscious belief.

"It's nothing. Thank you for checking, Ash," Lillie answered. Ash observed her briefly in a way that Lillie could tell meant he didn't believe her, but he didn't enquire further. She appreciated that more than he could know.

They chatted quietly for a few minutes, Ash sat on the edge of her bed, before deciding to return to sleep – it was only three in the morning, after all.

When Ash climbed into his bed, Lillie wished him goodnight and shut her eyes. She rolled over fifteen minutes later, noticing through the tiny opening of her eyelids that Ash wasn't trying to sleep but was watching her instead, worried. Lillie smiled. She rarely fell asleep after her nightmares. She did then.

The festivities permeating Nimbasa City had always been impressive, even in his day. But now, gleaming in the night with neon lights, raucous with fanfare and screaming and excited conversation, it was one city-wide theme park. How it had become so bustling was a mystery, but it was spectacular.

But Red and Delia weren't there to admire nor experience the sights no matter how much he wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel for the first time in years. Maybe they would do it afterwards. Convincing Delia wouldn't be too much of a challenge.

Weaving through the crowd that was packed in closer than a hibernating family of Beartic and Cubchoo was a challenge. Delia kept a firm grip on his hand as she dragged him through, politely nudging past as many people as she could. Luckily, their destination stood just east of the Poké-Center: Gear Station. As directed by Iris and Cilan, they were on a mission to find Trip on the Battle Subway. They had visited a few more people on their way there, and this was their final stop in Unova.

The circular lobby was just as bustling as outside. There were several trains to be boarded inside, tunnels branching out to all the corners of Unova. After browsing the signs, Red spotted the one signifying a train for single battles. They headed toward that one, once more guided by Iris and Cilan's advice.

"Welcome to the Battle Subway! I am here to guide you to the Single Battle Train. Would you like to participate?" the employee manning the train car asked.

Red nodded and reached into his bag, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. It was Delia, reaching into his backpack for some of his Pokéballs.

"Yep! I would like to sign up!" Delia cheerfully declared. She and the man began talking about the rules, leaving Red on the side to smile and shake his head fondly.

Five minutes later, Red and Delia set off in their train car. Red sat in one of the far corners while Delia practised battling with a few of his many Pokémon: his Espeon, Flygon, Archeops, Passimian, Floette, and Obstagoon. It was a fairly random team, but Red had loads of Pokémon; he always swapped them out. It was a good training method.

Their car slowed several minutes later. They slid alongside a car coming the other way, then their car pulled ahead, aligning with the other. A jerk shook the bus: from what Red could see out the window, the cars were linking together. The rear door opened a moment later, and the challenger stepped into their car. It wasn't Trip.

As the first battle began, Red watched Delia. The smile on her face was reminiscent of their bygone years when they explored with their friends. It was something he loved to see.

The opponent's Emolga was quickly taken out by Floette, a choice that seemed to startle the trainer. It was almost as if they didn't know the Fairy-Type existed. It was rather strange if Red was honest.

Delia used Flygon next to take out a Cinccino, which was then defeated by a strong Chandelure. To conclude the first battle, Delia won in moments with Espeon. She and the challenger thanked one another for the battle and the challenged headed back to their car.

"That was great fun!" Delia said when their car lurched, and they got moving again. "It's been a long time since I've battled like this. It brings back some great memories, doesn't it?"

"It does," Red said. "I can't believe it's been so long since we went travelling together…"

"You mean you, Me, Blue, Yellow… and Leaf?"

Red sighed. "Yeah."

"You know, you really need to message her."

"What am I going to say after she's believed I'm dead for so long?" Red asked. He went to continue, but another car approached, this one from the front. Once again, their car slowed and started connecting.

"You'll have to think about it," Delia said, winking.

And Red did. Two hours he spent thinking, watching Delia battle, resting now and again. They didn't find Trip during that time.

By the third hour, Delia looked exhausted. Red was about to suggest they come back tomorrow when the cars linked again and in he stepped, glaring with a surprised frown. Delia seemed recharged with energy.

"Trip. Hello," Delia said.

"Mrs and Mr Ketchum, right?" Trip asked.

"Correct," Delia said. "We're here to retrieve Ash's Torterra if you'd please."

Trip sighed. "I'll hand him over. But before that, battle me. That's the point of the Battle Subway after all."

"Trip, that's not how this works," Delia said. "You took Torterra illegally. Please hand him over."

Despite her gentle tone, Trip remained stubborn, Pokéball in hand. Delia sighed and made to comply. But Red placed a hand on her shoulder, stopping her. He stood slowly, putting one hand into his pocket, and adjusting his cap with his other hand. His Pikachu jumped from his shoulder, ready to fight. Red glanced at Trip with his sharp eyes. He waited.

Trip didn't throw out his Pokéball. He dropped his hand and sighed again.

"I'm not going to fight you. I'm not that stupid," Trip said. He swapped the Pokéball in his hand for another. When he let out the Pokémon, Ash's Torterra appeared. Immediately, it ran over to Delia, his footsteps shaking the car. Trip handed Red Torterra's Pokéball.

"Thank you, Trip," Delia said, stroking Torterra's head. "Before you go, I have to ask… Why did you go along with Professor Oak's plan?"

Trip inhaled and exhaled slowly. "I don't have to explain myself. When I saw all the people Ash was friends with, I made my decision. It was the wrong one. I alone am responsible for it."

That was all Trip said before leaving.

"I didn't think we would get a straight answer," Delia said, sighing.

"My guess is jealousy, maybe. He said: 'When I saw all the people Ash was friends with'. I don't know if that's right, but that's my guess," Red said.

"You might be right. As much as I want to talk with him more, we can't fix everything."

"Yeah. Hopefully, this has taught him a lesson, too."

"Hopefully," Delia said, pinching Torterra's Pokéball. She gave Torterra one more pat and returned him. "That's the last of Ash's Pokémon from Unova."

"Sinnoh next, right?"

"Correct! Time to let your Staraptor stretch its wings!" Delia said. She moved to the console in the corner of the car and pressed the button to take them back to the station.

"Sinnoh it is," Red said. "Before that, though, do you want to take a ride on the Ferris Wheel?"

Delia's joyous expression in response to his proposal was his favourite sight in the world.