The nice thing about winter is that long sleeve shirts are normal. Even with my arm covered though, some of the other kids still stare. The girls in my room have big mouths. The adults do too, because even Ms. Flores looks at my arm a few times in class. At lunch I go to the library and put my head down on the table because I'm still so tired. When the bell rings I want to stay, but it would be stupid. I've already drawn too much attention to myself. The best thing I can do is pretend last night didn't happen. Eventually they'll forget about it. Winter break starts tomorrow which means no more class. I won't have to be near the other kids except for meals and bed. Tonight, I'll be smarter. I won't let anyone get to me. Not him and not the other girls. Even if he makes me see horrible things, I won't wake the others. I won't scream. Martha gave me a really good idea last night.
At the end of the day Ms. Flores ends class an hour before she normally would.
"It's been a great semester," she says. "I hope you'll all enjoy your break." There are some cheers and hoots from the other kids. She goes by her desk and disappears for a minute under the table. The other kids are getting really excited for some reason. It's hard to shield. When Ms. Flores stands up again, she's got a plastic green basket and it's filled with candy canes.
"Before you leave you can all have one of these," she goes by the door and the other kids race to gather their things and get to the door. She passes each and every one of them a candy as they exit. I let the others go first because I don't understand the excitement. I'd tried a smaller version of the candy already and it was just peppermint and sugar. The cookies at dinner were better. Still, when it's my turn I accept the candy and put it in my pocket.
After classes are over, I have to help clean the living room for my chore. I sweep the floor which is mostly clean anyway, except for a few snack crumbs. After I sweep, I get to leave. There are two other kids who are supposed to dust and vacuum the rug in front of the couch, but they always wait until I leave. The kids who like to watch TV and play video games wait until I leave too which is fine by me, because it means I don't have to deal with them.
After whatever chore, I'm on, I usually go to the library, but today I have a mission. I head to the kitchen where the back door is and open it. On the back steps a big man with broad shoulders and a head of brown hair sits. Even though he's not facing me, I can tell he's smoking a cigarette because it smells terrible. He starts to turn his head around.
"Don't worry Patty, I'll put it out," he starts and then stops. "You're not Patty." I don't know who Patty is, but I agree with her. Smoking is bad. I cringe at the smell and he taps the end on the cement of the step. "Mrs. Huntington doesn't like it when you kids leave the door open and you aren't supposed to be back here." I close the door behind me and walk down the handful of steps until I'm at the bottom and then I turn towards him. I'd seen this man cleaning up the yard through the window. Whenever anything broke, like the toilet after some little kids clogged it, or the heater, he was the one who fixed it. The staff members called him James. He was the one who would be able to give me what I wanted. I'd seen him with it.
"I need duct tape." He stares at me like I've asked him a math problem he doesn't know how to solve.
"Why are you asking me?" he asks after a minute.
"You have duct tape." Shouldn't it be obvious? He doesn't speak for a few minutes, he just stares. Is it a difficult request? "What do you need it for?" None of your business, but adults don't like it when kids say things like that, so I don't say anything at all.
"Please?" That works. After staring at me for another minute he gets up and goes up the steps. He pulls the back door open and holds it out even though he just told me not to. He gestures with his hand for me to go in first, so I do. He walks around me and I follow him out of the kitchen and towards the staircases. He passes them and there's a little alcove I never noticed behind it. There are two doors, both are closed. A strong wave of fear and shame radiate loudly from this area. It's hard to bear at first, but I take a breath and visualize myself in a bubble. It doesn't shield me from all of it, but it helps. He opens one of the doors and then pauses.
"Those kids again, huh?" I move in closer to see what he's talking about and frown. Garfield is sitting on the floor of what appears to be some type of storage closet. His head has a cut on it that's bleeding. Part of his face is near his eye is swollen and his lip is split. James grabs his arm and pulls him up.
"We'll get you cleaned up, just give me a minute," James says. He goes digging in the closet. I look at Garfield and he looks back, but he doesn't say anything. He just stands there, with his shoulders slumped and snot running from his nose. The whites of his eyes are red like he was crying. His feelings are getting too loud and they're messy and mostly incoherent, but there are things that I recognize.
I reach into my pocket and grab the candy cane from Ms. Flores. I hold it out to him, but he doesn't take it, he just stares, so I wave it a little bit and push it further towards him. He finally grabs it, but he still looks confused.
James steps back from the closet and holds something out to me, the duct tape. I take it.
"Thank-you," I barley mumble the words, but I look him in the eyes so he'll know I mean it. He doesn't say anything for a minute, just like outside, but he snaps out of it a bit faster and looks down at Garfield.
"Let's get you cleaned up, kid." I leave first and head upstairs to the library, putting my prize over my wrist like a bracelet. I stop in my room and hide it in my pillowcase before going to my sanctuary to read.
At lights out, I wait for the other girls to fall asleep before reaching into my pillowcase. When I'm sure that no one is awake, I pull out the tape and tear off a piece. It's louder than I expected, but no one seems to wake up I put the tape over my mouth and press on it really hard so that it sticks. If all goes well, even if I have a nightmare, I won't be able to scream. I won't try to wake myself up anymore, so I won't get any more cuts.