Chapter 43 – Crisis at the Heart

Author's Note: Enjoy all of the Theseus-Anakin bonding time! :D

To Guest (1): Haha yes. They really are both getting in touch with the Dark. Cool info about Exar Kun! :P

To Guest (2): Huh. That would be really interesting, but it's not the plan. :)

To Guest (3): Well, if Theseus was to somehow seek out Tulak Hord's holocron, I doubt he'd be able to find it, since I don't think Revan is permitted to intervene in such a direct manner.

Thank y'all so much for reviewing! :D:D:D

~ Amina Gila

Something is wrong. Theseus isn't sure what it is, but he's been sensing Anakin's turbulent emotions for a while now. At first, he thought it might just be him thinking about Ahsoka again, but now he's beginning to get the feeling that something else is also going on.

All Theseus does know is that Obi-Wan went to talk to Anakin about something, and now if anything, he seems to be feeling worse than before... not as if that's uncommon. He needs to go see what's wrong. It could just as well be about Ahsoka, again. They try not to speak of her, because it hurts too much – just as the loss of his parents hurts too much. When will he stop losing? It's a fear he's always had, since Vraz died, but now... Now it feels more real.

Day by day, as the war goes by, Theseus knows the dangers his friends, his family are in. Any day, they could die, they could leave. He could never see them again, never know if they're alright, so he clings to what bits he has left, engraving whatever memories and moments he can grasp, forever into his mind, so at least he can remember. Even if they're gone, if he's still here, he can do what he can; he can remember them.

What more is left, except that?

And he wonders, really wonders, if he will be the one to fall, someday, and what would happen then? Would Obi-Wan shrug it off like a good Jedi, or would he mourn? Would the boys move on without looking back? What would Anakin do?

He never worried about these things, not so much, when Ahsoka was here. It feels like she took a part of him with her, and it hurts every time to step into the Council chambers and not see his mother.

The Council, who he is losing faith in more and more by the day. He's become quite thoroughly disillusioned with the Order, with their ability to maintain peace and order as they claim to.

Theseus knocks on Anakin's door, waiting for the mumbled response on the other side to enter. The Knight is tinkering with some sort of machine, likely a very unnecessary endeavor at this time. "What're you doing?" Theseus asks, approaching him.

Anakin waves a hand in the air, gesturing for him to come closer. "I thought you were drowning in classes?" he asks.

"Yeah, but I needed a bit of... break time. How are you holding up?"

"Fine," Anakin replies automatically.

"Don't even try to lie," Theseus objects, "I can sense it, you know."

On second thought, maybe that wasn't a good idea. Anakin tenses instantly. "Then why ask?"

"It's an icebreaker," he offers, "And I was wondering if something happened. I know Obi-Wan talked to you not long ago." Honestly, Theseus is surprised Anakin is at the Temple. Since Ahsoka left, he normally is hanging out with the clones or at the Senate, no questions asked.

Anakin sighs, setting down his tools. "It's nothing, really."

"You don't get worked up for no reason, Anakin."

"Senator Amidala is... working with an old friend of hers, who also happens to be a traitor to the Republic," he answers finally.

"You're worried for her?"

"Last time, he nearly killed her," Anakin says flatly, glaring at the floor. The Senator might be Anakin's friend, but... he senses something more than the normal concern. It's strange, because if he didn't know better, he'd say Anakin feels responsible for her. It reminds him of how he felt about Ahsoka, but that doesn't make logical sense.

"You don't need to feel responsible for her," Theseus tries slowly. "She's your friend, not..."

"Sometimes, I wish I didn't," Anakin mutters, "But I do. I can't help it."

Theseus opts to remain silent for a few minutes, turning it over in his mind. He doesn't know much about the Senator; he never really knew her. He wishes there was something he could do to help, but he doesn't know what. He doesn't even fully understand what the problem is. "I'm sure she can take care of herself," he offers.

"They had a relationship, once," he replies, voice oddly emotionless as he stands and paces across the room. "I think she may be... vulnerable to her emotions."

That complicates things. "Maybe... you could try talking to her about it?" he suggests after mulling over that for a moment.

Apparently, that was not the right approach to the situation, because Anakin instantly goes completely tense, hurt bleeding into the Force. "I did," he snaps, though it's clear his anger is not directed at Theseus. "She won't listen to me."

Oof.

He understands why Anakin is upset, but the whole responsibility thing is what confuses him. There's something more, something he's not saying. The desire to protect a close friend is one thing, but this is something else. It's... much like how Theseus felt towards Ahsoka, he realizes with a start, as he remembers her sneaking off to the Citadel. He was scared to death that she'd get herself killed, even if he knew she's capable of protecting herself, and that Anakin would take care of her as he always does.

Something of his realization must have shown on his face, because Anakin demands, "What?"

"That's – I know what that feels like," he states. "I... felt like that."

This time, it's finally Anakin's turn to look the slightest bit mind blown. "I know – I – what do you mean?"

It's so strange to have someone to talk to about this, and even stranger to realize that he had someone he could talk to all along and never knew. "That wanting to be with someone, knowing it can never happen, wanting... her, wanting to be with her and to know she's alright..."

Anakin's eyes widen slightly. "It's not – we're just friends."

"Are you?" Theseus asks, because the stubborn denial is what sets him off. It's a lie, he's quite certain.

He looks away.

"It's fine," he assures. "Really. You'd hardly be the first Jedi to do that, you know. I won't tattle, I promise."

"Thank you," Anakin says, finally, "And... I know. I knew you and Ahsoka – " he stumbles over her name, flinching as if it's physically painful to mention it, and it is for them both, "But I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want you to think it was more real."

It would have been nice, Theseus thinks, to have known someone was willing to support him regardless, but he understands the reasoning. More than likely, it would have made them rush into it, before either were ready, and it would have made meeting Lux and Bo far more awkward. "Thanks," the padawan says. "If you want to talk about this, later... I'll be glad to hear."

**w**

Anakin does come to talk to him later. The next morning, right before Theseus heads for the cruiser to help Cody and the boys prepare for their next battle; they'll be leaving fairly soon. "I know you're busy," Anakin blurts out in a rush, and Theseus instantly notices the pain and darkness swirling in his Force signature. Something must have gone very wrong; he can feel it. Even in all the time Theseus has known him, never has Anakin felt so incredibly alone.

"It's fine, really," he assures. "You're my friend." My brother. "I can spare a few minutes if you need me to. Did something happen?"

"Yeah," Anakin mumbles and looks away. "After we talked, I thought... maybe I should talk to her again, to see if she's alright and try to fix this, but... when I came..." He shakes his head. "I guess I got a little out of hand."

Uh... "What does that mean?"

"Um. I... beat up Clovis for trying to kiss Padme."

"You –" Theseus groans. He shouldn't be as surprised as he is. Of course, Anakin would be upset; anyone would be. He's fairly certain there's more to the story, though, more which he doesn't ask for.

"I didn't mean to," Anakin continues, and he means it. Theseus knows he does. "I didn't mean to," he repeats, "But I did, and – and Padme doesn't want to be around me anymore. She told me to leave, and..."

Oh. Oh. That definitely explains how he's feeling now, the sudden loneliness that's devouring him. He wishes there was something he could say, but how could words, any words, relieve this? "Ahsoka wasn't the only one I... felt like that towards," he starts slowly. "Back when I was with Death Watch. But when I left, I had to leave her, too."

"How did you do it?" Anakin asks, a bit brokenly. "How can you just walk away without ever looking back?"

"I didn't. I look back at it every day. I want to go back, sometimes, but my life is here. This is... where I belong."

"It's about purpose, then, isn't it?"

"A little bit, yes, and that she's different from me. She's, well, a terrorist."

Anakin blinks, then laughs. "Seriously?"

"She's nicer than it sounds," he grumbles, "But like I was saying, there were other things, including that she's older than me –"

"Padme's older than me."

"Whatever." He waves a hand. "I'm not you, and she's not Padme."

"Of course not. No one else could be." Anakin trails off and ducks his head, but not before his expression becomes pained.

"I chose to be a Jedi," Theseus continues, "And it's what I wanted, because I wanted to help people. Maybe I was wrong, but it's what I thought. I didn't want to become one of them, I wanted out."

"I can't imagine it," Anakin murmurs.

"Believe me, if your father came from nowhere and offered you to join him and your hopefully non-existent twin sister, on the condition you agreed to murder people for fun, you'd make the same choice."

"I already have a father." Anakin rolls his eyes.

"Wait, really?"

"Yes," he replies flatly, "And I have a couple crazy siblings. There's not much else I could want."

Okay, he's totally lying, but Theseus is nice enough not to call him out on it. "I know this is where I belong, but sometimes, I just want my family. A family." He's never talked about these feelings to anyone, but it doesn't flood him with guilt like it once would have. "I went back to Mandalore, I found out that – that Maul had... My father is gone, and I wonder what would've happened if I'd stayed."

Anakin lays a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"I know what I really want now, though. I want to learn to live. Sometimes, I think I want to leave." It's strangely freeing to say it aloud, the emotions he's been holding in for so long.

Anakin stills. "Me too," he admits. "I wanted to – to live the rest of my life with Padme, maybe... maybe adopt Ahsoka if she wanted to leave, too. I planned to wait until she was Knighted, and now, all I was waiting for is the war. Doesn't matter now, though." Theseus doesn't miss the bitterness in his voice.

"She's a fool if she doesn't change her mind," he replies flatly. "I know how loyal you are, and it's not something people normally give out."

"She said she doesn't feel safe," he admits. "That – that's what matters."

Okay, something about this doesn't quite make sense, because how would that make her afraid? It's not like she hasn't fought in battles before. "I guess I don't really know what happened."

"And... I need to make sure she's alright, anyway, but I can't be there, be with her, when I need to be." His expression twists with raw, open agony that pulls at his heart. "All because I lost control of myself." There's an underlying note of... something there, and Theseus wonders but doesn't ask what it is that's so dark. Maybe he should try to unravel the mystery that is Anakin Skywalker – he wants to – but now isn't the time.

"You did your best," he offers.

"What good is that?"

He sounds a bit like Theseus, back in the day, he notes dryly. "It's all that matters," he assures, or tries to. His comm beeping interrupts their conversation. "I need to go, but we can talk more later."

"Thank you," Anakin calls after, as he takes off down the hall.

"You too," Theseus responds. "You, too."

**w**

Theseus gets back from his mission – it was surprisingly short and simple, though the war is worsening in other places – the same time Anakin does. Apparently, while he was gone a bunch of politics happened with the Banking Clans, things that he doesn't care to try and fully understand, but the Separatists and Republic ended up fighting right on the Banking Clan's homeworld, and eventually, the control of it ended right under the Supreme Chancellor. Theseus doesn't know enough about all of that to know if that's a good thing, but it should give the Republic a significant advantage over the Separatists.

Still, that's not really the part that's concerning him the most. Senator Amidala had been there when the fight broke out, and Palpatine had sent Anakin in there to rescue her. Which means he had to deal with being around her again right after everything that happened. It's not as if Palpatine would know or have any reason to be bothered by it as the leader of the Republic, but Theseus is still mildly annoyed that it had to happen.

He's not sure how Anakin feels about it, though. The Knight seems to actually be feeling a little better, or at least the amount of darkness swirling around him when Theseus sees him again appears to have lessened. He takes that as a good sign.

"You seem a bit happier."

"I talked to Padme, and... Well, I sort of talked to her. We never actually talked about it, but... I should be glad, I think," Anakin explains, "But I'm not. I can't trust her anymore."

"I... can understand why." After the state Theseus saw Anakin in when they last talked it isn't something that's going to fade that quickly. Not when Anakin reached the point that he actually came to him, and Anakin never seems to go to people even when he needs help. Now that he thinks of it, that's actually very disturbing, and reminds him far too much of himself before he Fell. He doesn't know or understand enough about Anakin and Padme's relationship to even begin giving him advice on what they should do to repair their relationship, but he can at least try to be supportive, however he can.

"I should tell her you know," Anakin adds as an afterthought, "We agreed not to tell anyone, and she'd want to know."

"To be fair, you didn't tell me, exactly. I guessed," Theseus points out with a smirk, "But yeah, you probably should." He wishes he could give advice about how to handle this situation, but all he can think of is the obvious of talking to her about it, which... is not entirely practical, being their relationship will be quite strained and the small amount of time they have with each other. "Does she regret it?" he asks, instead.

Anakin stills. "I don't know. I never asked."

Which means she clearly never showed any signs of that either. Great. That makes things even more complicated, because he doesn't know the Senator well enough to know if she's gotten over whatever the problem was, or what. He can only hope this will get better from here, for everyone, because he doesn't know how much more darkness and loss they can handle.

If only it was true.

**w**

It's been a month, and Anakin keeps putting off telling Padme what happened. He's out on a mission now, and... things are really picking up, and he's heard talk about them staying on the fronts straight. He is not looking forward to it, but he finds that in some horrible way, he wants the distance. It floods him with guilt, to even think about it, because she's his wife, and they're supposed to be living together. Even so, ever since Clovis, nothing has been the same. Some dark part of him wonders if it ever will.

"I need to tell you something," Anakin admits, finally, facing a hologram of his Angel.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Theseus... I was talking to him a month ago." She can figure out what he means by that, he's certain. "And... he figured it out. He asked, and I confirmed it."

A myriad of emotions flicker across her face, too fast for him to read. "He won't say anything about it?" she asks, though she clearly already expects the answer.

"No," Anakin promises. "I know he won't. He was... in a similar position."

"Oh." She looks away, seeming to take a few moments to process it. "He's your friend, Anakin. If you trust him..."

"I do," he tells her, and it reminds him again that at this point, Theseus is really one of the only people left who he actually does still trust. He can't trust Obi-Wan anymore, he isn't really sure what to say for Padme at this point, and Ahsoka is... No, he can't let himself dwell on her. He can't really lean on Rex for this kind of support either, and while he would have once thought so about Theseus as well, that's apparently not true.

He couldn't be more grateful, to have his little brother at his side like this. Somehow, it seems that with Ahsoka's departure, the bond between them grew even stronger, maybe because she was the largest player in both their lives, and no one but each other can understand her loss. Except, he supposes, Padme misses her, too. It's not something they ever talk about, because it's simply too painful. Besides, what good is there? The Jedi ripped away his child, and nothing anyone does or says will ever be able to bring her back.

Final Notes: If you want to join our Discord to receive updates or just hang out, here's the invite link, and please delete the spaces! :) discord . gg / nqSxuz2

We also have a tumblr account (and delete the spaces): fanfictasia . tumblr . com

And! We have a YT channel for tributes! Please delete the spaces in the link. :D youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA

Finally, if you're interested, you can submit a SW gift fic request via the following form (delete the spaces): forms . gle / rmXWtRomMMaULuPa6