Commander's Personal Log: Stardate 2276.05

I remember the weeks following her rejection. I remember feeling emotions I thought I was not capable of feeling, or at least very rarely felt.

Self- pity. I always hear relatives and friends say "Put yourself out there. Relationships are important." And yet, the first time I try to reach for a romantic relationship it ends catastrophically. As a Vulcan I control my emotional state and expressions more than humans typically do, but why is that such an abhorrent trait to have? Too many tragedies happen all over the galaxy because beings cannot control themselves.

Anger. All I had done was simply and logically laid out any sort of hurdles we would have had against our relationship. Why was the reality of the situation so offensive to her? In addition, I wondered how she could believe the word of someone like Wickham. I knew she was intelligent- it's one of the traits that attracted me to her in the first place- so how could she blindly accept such a horrible person's lies?

Grief. Obviously I have felt grief in my life before. Although not to the extent that humans do, I mourned for my mother and then my father. But this was different. I did not grieve for the loss of a person, I grieved for the loss of our potential future. I had thought of eventually introducing her to my sister; I believed their personalities would be complimentary. (They did eventually meet, but through a professional capacity, not a personal one.)

Our situation has also... complicated things. Normally after one faces romantic rejection they are able to avoid the object of their unrequited affection.

That was not possible for us.

U.S.S. Longbourn: Stardate 2275.308*

Lizzie followed Charlotte as she entered the gym and walked up to the pair of cousins standing in the corner. The main gym consisted of a large room with various equipment, including dumbbells, punching bags, and treadmills around the perimeter, and a large training mat with three concentric circles painted on it occupying the center of the room. Off to one side of the gym was a hallway, which led to several smaller training areas and the locker rooms. The gym wasn't nearly as busy as usual, but it still contained over a dozen personnel. Lizzie narrowly managed to avoid bumping into an ensign panting and covered in sweat as they walk along the perimeter.

Fitzwilliam enthusiastically greeted Charlotte with a hug and Lizzie with a pat on the back, while Darcy barely nodded to acknowledge their presence. Accustomed to his reserved nature, neither Charlotte or James found anything odd about it, but the captain flinched in embarrassment at the way her second-in-command avoided eye contact. Coming here was probably a terrible idea. Should she fake an emergency? Act sick? Clutching her stomach, Lizzie almost blurted out an excuse- any excuse really- when Charlotte started talking.

"Okay, so tell me about the lirpa," she heard her friend ask the security officer as they walked to the mat as a group, and turned to pay attention to his response. She could give an excuse and dart, but curiosity held her tongue.

Fitzwilliam held up the item in his hands, its twin laying at Darcy's feet, and gave an ostentatious twirl. She couldn't remember ever seeing a lirpa at the academy, and she always had an interest in unique weapons. The lirpa he's holding out looks like it's entirely made of wood, with a thick club at one end of the shaft and a fan-like section at the other. "Obviously these are training lirpas, given that you can cause serious damage with real ones. If you were to use a lirpa in a ceremony, this end," here he pointed to the end shaped like a fan, "would have a blade, so that you would be able to cut your opponent. The other end," here he gestured to the club, "is used to inflict blunt trauma."

"Blunt trauma? That doesn't sound very Vulcan-like," Lizzie couldn't help but chime in. Some part of her was hoping the sharp edge to her tone would force a kind of reaction from Darcy, but he just continued to focus on stretching. A whisper of guilt instantly formed a knot in her stomach, and Lizzie ignored Charlotte's raised eyebrow.

Glancing over to see if his cousin wanted to give any input and receiving no help, Fitzwilliam responded to the captain. "Obviously if some Vulcans today had to engage in combat they would use a phaser or a similarly sophisticated weapon, but Vulcan used to be a very violent place, and lirpas were some of the first weapons to be used in ceremonies. They're... traditional."

"What kind of ceremonies do Vulcans have that require fighting?" Charlotte asked while running her fingers along the training lirpa that Fitzwilliam held.

"The kal-if-fee is probably the ceremony that it's used in the most. Well, I say 'most' but even that ceremony is fairly rare, as far as I know."

Noticing the women's blank expressions, he tried to explain a little more. "You know, the kal-if-fee, where two men fight for the right to mate with a specific female?"

"Oof," Charlotte uttered to herself while dramatically fanning her face, "that actually sounds kinda hot."

"Sometimes the fight is to the death."

"That's less hot," Charlotte backtracked as Fitzwilliam snickered at her response. "Wait, is that why you train with the commander? Because he's preparing for the possibility of that event?"

Giving a playful side-eye to his cousin, Fitzwilliam shook his head. "As much as I love the idea of Will here caring about a woman romantically enough to beat the shit out of some competition, the reason we do this is a lot more mundane. Practicing with phasers and other weapons we might use is incredibly helpful and all, but sometimes you just need to wrestle all the excess energy out."

Buffing out her chest and deepening her voice, Charlotte responded with a "You mean manly-man stuff" before poking Fitzwilliam on his bicep. "Do you even lift br- wowza your arm muscles are really defined," she couldn't help but say as she starting squeezing his upper arm in begrudging admiration.

Subtlety flexing his muscles, the officer preened before defending himself. "It's not 'manly-man stuff,' more like 'human stuff.' We're basically trapped on a ship for weeks at a time, and it's important to expend extra energy in order to have a calm and ordered mind."

"I get that," Lizzie butted in before Charlotte responded with what was sure to be another teasing comment. "Exercising by itself always helps when you feel trapped or bored, but sparing with another person is an especially good way to clear your mind. You have to focus on their abilities- nothing else- and even if you lose you still feel like you achieved something. And every once in a while there's that moment, when you know you're about to win, and everything comes together, and you feel strong and capable, and like you could..." she trailed off when she noticed out of the corner of her eye that Darcy had stopped stretching to stare at her. The intensity of his gaze made her blush, a reaction she wasn't aware she was still capable of producing. Averting her gaze before she could read his expression, she turned and saw the indulgent smiles of the other two members of their group. Rolling her eyes at the realization they were humoring her, she turned the attention back on them. "I'm sorry, did I interrupt your flirting?"

"I mean... yeah, a little bit. But I guess I can understand what you're saying. I used to get that endorphin rush during debate class in high school," Charlotte admitted, ignoring Fitzwilliam's slight cough of "nerd" under his breath.

Sniffing in nonchalance, the security officer gave the lirpa another brief whirl while simultaneously leering at Charlotte. "Yeah, I have a genuine lirpa in my collection if you want to stop by my quarters later. It's a little shorter than this one, but it'll get the job done."

Tilting her head at James with mock innocence, the engineer asked, "So you want to brag about your small staff?"

Lizzie had to cover her mouth to stop her bark of laughter from escaping. James' face turned more progressively red as he stammered out his response. "I wouldn't use the term small- it's still works- I uhm, so anyways Will and I are going to practice."

Ignoring the proud smirk Charlotte wore, James turned back to his cousin. "Since Billy here can lift about twice what I can, he's usually kind enough to adjust so that he's using human levels of strength. Although," he added in a stage whisper to Lizzie, "that courtesy goes out the window if he's angry at me."

The officer turned to his cousin in concern when his teasing was met with silence and a flat expression. "You okay there, Will? You usually have some smart-ass remark when I call you 'Billy.'"

"Shall we begin?" Darcy asks, his face still showing very little emotion.

The security officer's brow furrowed with concern as he nodded and they stepped inside the outermost circle. There was no formal indication that their sparring had begun; Fitzwilliam nodded slightly before horizontally swinging the blunt end toward the commander. Darcy jumped back to avoid the impact, bringing down his lirpa at the same time. The security officer kicked at the junction where their weapons had locked, freeing his lirpa enough that he could jab it at the commander's knee. Darcy's moved his leg up so that his shin could absorb the blow, while using his lirpa to hit Fitzwilliam's side.

Their sparing wasn't particularly graceful- Lizzie had studied martial arts that looked like dancing from a bystander's point of view- but their fighting was mesmerizing in its own way. At one point Fitzwilliam had lost his grip on his lirpa and punched Darcy in his stomach; the commander retaliated with an elbow to his cousin's jaw. They both radiated confidence and vigor, a combination that made several fellow officers stop to watch the match. In a way she really hoped wasn't obvious, Lizzie found herself admiring the way her second-in-command's muscles shifted underneath his long sleeved workout shirt. His lean appearance, a contrast to his cousin's stockier build, clearly hid a surprising strength.

After 10 minutes of the back and forth, Fitzwilliam paused to wipe sweat from his forehead with the bottom of his- already- drenched shirt, which prompted Charlotte to yell "take it off!" before glancing around in mock confusion as if the suggestion didn't obviously come from her. Fitzwilliam smirked as he quickly removed his shirt and threw it in her direction. Charlotte caught it haphazardly, with a crazed smile like she was a bridesmaid catching a bouquet at a wedding. She gave an exaggerated chef's kiss in the direction of the shirtless officer.

The captain found her eyes automatically searching out the commander to see his reaction to the exchange. To her surprise she caught Darcy in the middle of a very subtle eyeroll, and she gave out a delighted huff of laughter at the gesture. Darcy looked over at the noise, and gave her an honest-to-god smile in sympathy when they made eye contact. Time almost seemed to move in slow motion for a short while. The commander's smile was no more than a second or two, just a quick uptick of his lips, but it transformed his usually impassive expression into a brief tableau of radiance. Lizzie would've sworn right then and there that his azure eyes were somehow sparkling, and that was the first time she ever saw the skin next to his eyelids crinkle in happiness. Her heart gave a brief stutter before beating loudly in her chest, but the spell was broken when Darcy seemed to remember who he was smiling at. His face once more became stoic before turning to face his cousin, who was still shamelessly flirting with Charlotte.

Lizzie felt that stab of guilt and embarrassment return to her stomach.

The commander took advantage of the distraction to jab Fitzwilliam none too lightly in his side, causing Fitzwilliam to hiss a little in pain. The officer half-heartedly swiped at Darcy before leaning against his own lirpa. The poor man was already panting and perspiring, while his cousin hadn't even broken a sweat. Maybe he wasn't exaggerating about the whole increased Vulcan strength. "Pause for a sec, Will. I told Charlotte I would teach the captain here some fencing, so we should probably go do that before my shift begins." The few officers who gathered around the mat quickly dispersed once they realized the sparing was over.

Swatting Charlotte on her arm, Lizzie angrily whispered, "I thought you were going to teach me."

"Uh no, originally you said 'Fencing looks like fun,' and I said, 'I can help you if you want to learn some fencing.' It's not my fault you assumed I would be the one to actually teach you, as if you've ever known me to do something athletic."

"Aw don't get angry with Char over here, my cuz and I took some fencing classes at the academy. We're more than happy to help," Fitzwilliam assured the captain while swinging his arm to rest over Charlotte's shoulders. "Right, Will?"

The group looked over at the commander, who froze slightly from the attention. "I have reports to complete," he claimed, but Lizzie could see him glance at her out of the corner of his eye. It was clear, only to her though, that he was uncomfortable spending more time with her than necessary.

She couldn't exactly blame him for his feelings.

James was quick to jump in. "You can always finish those later, the captain's a quick learner so this shouldn't take long, right?" he looked towards his friends for confirmation.

Darcy gave a sharp glance at Lizzie when she nodded her head. "Yes, quick learner over here. Also, please don't make me be a third wheel." The plea earned her an amused look from James and a sarcastic glare from her best friend.

At Darcy's nod, James picked up the lirpas and began walking toward the hallway to their left.

Charlotte lagged behind the men to tease her friend some more. "Honestly woman, you've known me for more than 20 years. Have I ever mentioned fencing? But I've got connections," she bragged while ogling the still shirtless James in front of them.

"Yeah," Lizzie scoffed at her friend, "I can see you staring at your 'connection's' ass."

"Hey, it's not my fault he has an excellent badonkadonk-"

"Please don't."

"Derriere-"

"Noooo-"

"Fanny-"

''Stoopppp-"

"I just want to bounce a quarter off it-"

"Charlotte, I'm begging you." Lizzie was insanely grateful the men in front of them had their own conversation going on. Did Vulcans have heightened hearing? That's something she should probably look up.

The captain gave a breath of relief, but- and she should've probably guessed this- Charlotte wasn't finished.

"One last thing, I swear, but aren't you glad it seems to run in the family?" the engineer whisper-yelled as the hiss of the automatic door announced their arrival.

The fencing practice room was bare except for a couple of benches, the yellow markings on the floor designating the piste**, and a screen that displayed the score. Fitzwilliam leaned the lirpas against the wall near the door before walking to one of gray panels lining the room to remove a couple of jackets, masks, and thin swords.

Lizzie was saved from having to give her opinion about the merits of Darcy's ass when the men came over to hand them the fencing equipment. Charlotte quickly declined. "No thanks, I'm just going to sit on the sidelines for now. Nothing like the thought of stuffing your head into a mask that smells like other people's B.O. to make you appreciate the fresh air."

Scoffing, the captain replied to her friend's comment with an incredulous, "Fresh air? We're on a ship in the middle of space. This air is recycled, which you damn well know as the chief engineer."

"Semantics," Charlotte claimed while waving dismissively.

"And," James interjected while showing Lizzie how to put on the protective equipment, "the mask linings are washed after every use."

"Still, no thanks," she confirmed while sauntering over to one of the benches. Darcy walked over to stand between her and the other bench. She patted the seat next to her but Darcy gave a quick shake of his head to decline.

Lizzie used the obscuration of the mask to observe the first officer out of her periphery. The man was still a bundle of tension. She had thought he was uptight before, but now realized he had gradually been relaxing in her presence up until 2 days ago. It wasn't anything their fellow officers probably noticed, but she could see how tight his posture was and how his mouth was a hard line. It was such a contrast to his smile a couple of minutes ago. Her thoughts were derailed as Fitzwilliam finished up putting on his own jacket and handed her the fencing sword.

As Lizzie reached for it the security officer suddenly changed his stance. Kneeling on one leg, he lowered his head and offered the sword gallantly with both hands. "For you, my queen!" he announced grandly while Charlotte snorted at his dramatics from the bench.

Lizzie unmasked herself before picking up the sword carefully and touching both his shoulders with the thin blade. "Arise, Sir Show-off," she proclaimed as Fitzwilliam quirked an eyebrow.

"Sir Show-off?"

Lizzie cackled in response. "Yes! For the gun show earlier? Also, did you seriously not put your shirt back on before you put on that jacket?!"

"Well I didn't want to ruin the lines," he quipped while caressing the arms of the jacket.

The giggle burst out of her before she could stop it, and Lizzie turned to Charlotte automatically. Charlotte was rolling her eyes at their antics, as expected, but the captain's gaze was caught by the sight of Darcy intensely staring at her. In the past she assumed the staring was out of dislike, maybe a little bit of disgust, but now she doesn't know what to think.

After everything, he has to hate me...right? Right.

Once again her thoughts of the commander were interrupted by Fitzwilliam. "Okay, before we mask up again, let's practice the en garde position. Follow my lead."

Standing across from her, James put the foil in his right hand while separating his feet. His right leg was in a sort of forward lunge while his left leg stayed a little behind him. Lizzie quickly followed his instructions, only to hear Darcy speak up. "The captain should be holding the foil in her dominant hand- her left."

After switching the foil to her left and moving her legs to mirror the security officer, she asked him, "Like this?"

"Close, your right foot should be turned- you know what? Will, could you help her with her feet placement?" Fitzwilliam asked his cousin innocently.

Darcy walked the short distance to the captain, and she expected him to maybe point and give some verbal instructions. What she was not expecting was for him to move behind her and place a hand on her waist.

She almost gave a strangled noise in surprise, but suppressed it at the last second.

He was close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off him, but not close enough that any part of him was touching her except for his hand and his foot, which was now nudging hers in the right direction. Was this some sort of sick revenge? Get her low key turned on and then leave her high and dry?

James turned to the other occupant in the room, subtly sending her a surprised look at Darcy's unusual boldness. Charlotte was too busy looking at the scene with wide eyes to notice his look.

The heavy silence was pierced by the whistle that preceded a communication from the bridge.

"Captain Bennet and Commander Darcy, please report to the bridge," Bingley's voice requested over the intercom. The captain straightened abruptly at the noise before walking over to the intercom. "On our way." She quickly shed the fencing gear before hurriedly placing the equipment one of the benches.

"Sorry about leaving so soon, Fitzwilliam- duty calls," Lizzie apologized to the officer as she and Darcy exited the room.

"I guess my plans are foiled. Ba-dam tss." Fitzwilliam held up his hand facing Charlotte as if asking for a high five.

The engineer scoffed in amusement before walking out after her friend. "You don't get a high five for that- that was weak!"

"C'mon, don't leave me hanging!" he shouted out after her as he took off the jacket. "Damn, it's cold in here."

*I know the stardates can get a little confusing, but just to clear it up Darcy's ongoing personal log is taking place approximately two months after his confession. Please PM me if you have any other questions.

**It's probably very obvious but I know shit about fencing. The piste is the strip on the floor that fencers use in a match.

Author's Note: I swear this story isn't abandoned! I know it takes me so long to get each chapter but I've been having trouble writing. Anyways, I'm also in the process of transferring this story to A03 (archive of our own) so you can find it there. The username is the same as here (kbd1313).