Garrus Vakarian was tired; not from any physical exertion, of course. The fatigue didn't even amount to covering his whole body. His shoulders were in good shape, along with his arms and his legs. His back hurt a little bit, but he chalked that up to a little residual pain from that bullshit with Harbinger. No sir, Garrus Vakarian was actually feeling pretty good - for the first time in months. What bothered him this morning was something else entirely, and was rather unexpected.

His ass hurt.

At first, after they got back to Earth, he had welcomed the respite that this had given him. The Normandy needed no calibrations, since it was docked in orbit with the Everest. There was no new suicide mission to mentally prepare himself for, and even Tali - his adopted sister if anyone asked him - was finally on course to be happy again. She was finally ready to be herself again. Really, the only thing that had gnawed at him - ever so slightly - was that Miss Kasumi Goto had not yet made her way back to Earth.

They had a lot to talk about.

But right now?

It was his ass.

"Ah, Spirits help me. Do I actually miss being shot at?"

He laughed at himself, because he indeed found the fact that he was questioning the merits of constant near-death experiences vis-a-vis his current situation to be somewhat disquieting.

With a huff, he got up from the reasonably uncomfortable chair - which had clearly been designed for a more human ass - and began to do another lap around the first floor waiting room. He'd grown tired of the waiting. There were only so many messages that he could send back to Palaven. He'd been updated by Primarch Victus, his mother, the turian councilor…he was tired of it already. He had already told them that he would be back on Palaven when his "business" with Shepard and Tali was finished. If they didn't understand, well that was a problem best left to them to sort out for themselves. To be perfectly fair, Victus hadn't even tried to give him any "sass" (Garrus hoped that that was the right word) on the matter. But now…frankly, he had been bored. So it had been with great relief when Miranda had made her way to this lobby the day before and informed him that Shepard was out of surgery and resting in room 407. She had also informed him that Tali was already there.

"Garrus, I suggest that we give them space."

He, of course, could not have agreed more. He remembered how completely devastated Tali had been, especially after she found what he thought were Shepard's last words to her. To have actually found him alive…he couldn't quantify the relief that he had felt. But, this waiting around was grating. So it was with equal parts joy and relief that he felt when he saw a particular quarian admiral emerge from the elevator that he was swiftly approaching.

"Tali!" He watched her as she turned her head in multiple directions trying to find the source of the yell. When she saw Garrus swiftly striding toward her, she picked up her own pace.

Their hug was a deep one, and he was relieved to know that she felt relaxed and happy. When they separated, Garrus asked her the obvious question:

"Tali, how is he?"

He had expected a quick and snappy reply from her, full of eagerness. What he got was something else, and fears that he had housed in the back of his own mind made a quick return for just an instant -

"Is he…'Shepard'? How bad is it?"

He watched her keenly as the lights of her eyes dimmed out, before reemerging as she answered.

"He's…keelah how do I…?" A moment later, and after another deep breath, she continued. "Garrus, he's Shepard. He's himself, of that I'm certain. He just…feelsright."

Garrus interrupted her, remembering their earlier conversation. "Is it because of the bond you'd mentioned before?"

Tali actually smiled at this, she was touched that he had remembered her babbling diatribe about quarian bonding. "I see that you remembered. You're correct, that's most of the reason why. So while he's himself…there is something troubling him very much. He needs to talk about it, but I won't press him. Not yet. Physically? Well, there's…a lot going on there, too…" Her voice trailed off at the mention of his physical condition.

And that "physical condition"? I asked for it. I wanted it.

Her friend saw the shiver in her shoulders; had heard the fatigue in her voice and saved her from having to tell him anything else. "Tali, you don't have to describe that to me, okay? I caught up with Miranda yesterday and she gave me the gist of it."

Clearly relieved, the quarian nodded her head in acknowledgment.

Yet another thing to be grateful to Miranda for.

Wanting to change gears, the turian asked another obvious question.

"So, since you're down here, does that mean he's asleep or…?"

She shook her head. "No, a doctor and some techs came in. Said they had to 'run tests' and…do more work to his lungs. I asked him if he wanted me to stay for that. I got the impression that it would've been painful, but he…didn't want me to see that." She paused as she recalled exactly how he had looked at her. He had been earnest in his request…and pained. "I wanted to argue with him, but I…relented. I think it's…too soon and raw for him. Keelah, Garrus. I can't imagine what it was like for him."

Garrus knew all to well what she meant. Shepard had stood, presumably alone, against whatever he had found on the Citadel. Spirits knew whatever the hell that had been. To have survived that, after seeing what he and Tali had seen when they found him…well, Garrus was not at all surprised to hear that Shepard had some demons that he needed to exorcise. And if coming to terms with it meant that Shepard would spare Tali some of this, then so be it. He probably would've done the same in his position.

"OK, Tali. I'll wait a little bit then, but…do you mind if I go up to see him? I don't want to intrude on whatever post-injury coitus you two plan on getting up to, so if you two have stuff planned…"

His friend let out a loud guffaw for his efforts. "No, Garrus. Nothing like that." She interjected an adventurous giggle. "At least not yet." She watched him laugh at her response as she put her hands on her ample hips, with a clear implication. "Besides, I got a message from Admiral Gerrel. He wanted an update and maybe a timetable before he takes the Neema back through the relay to Rannoch. So, I'll head over to the Alliance base and use their QEC terminal to get ahold of him. Just message my omnitool if anything comes up, okay?"

He flared his mandibles in the typical Garrus smile. She had sounded much brighter and cheerful in that final exchange. "You got it, kiddo. I'll keep an eye on him."

With that, she took a couple of steps toward the exit, but then paused for a moment. Curious, he was about to ask if she was alright; maybe she'd forgotten something in Shepard's room? But before Garrus knew what was going on, she had run back toward him in a purple and black blur, giving him another hug.

"I know you will. Thank you, Garrus. For everything." She had whispered this to him before relinquishing her grip.

She was out the door before he could respond.

He shook his head in wonder. What a strong woman she was.

"And Shepard's a lucky son of a bitch."

His face was very red. Like, beet red.

He was also glistening. Sweat had erupted from his pores during that last round as the treatment for his lungs had caused another heaving coughing fit. He had been told that there would be a noticeable improvement to his breathing capacity in just a few days. But as for now?

Well, quite frankly, it sucked.

What else sucked? That he'd told Tali to leave while they did that…while they tortured him like this. He really could have used her strength to add to his own resolve. He…needed her. He missed her hand in his the same way he figured that people that had lost limbs missed them. He yearned for her to be near him. There was an aching in his chest that had absolutely nothing to do with what they were doing to him; it was there because he had told her to leave. He sat alone now in his bed, trying to blink back the tears that were welling up again. If he tried to pinpoint to a direct reason why, he wouldn't have been able to. Yes, the treatment was painful, yes everything else hurt, but primarily it was his missing half.

Tali, of course. He felt a wave of guilt, knowing that she wasn't here. He had, in fact, sent her away. Had he really wanted to? If he was completely honest? Wanted to? Absolutely not.

Normally, this would have been a given. But for now? Not so much. Not only had he wanted to spare her from watching what he reckoned was as close to torture as he will likely have seen, but in a way - a very personal way - he felt that he deserved it. He'd earned it.

Penance, maybe? He didn't think so. That word wasn't quite right. He hadn't chosen this particular form of torture. No, this was more like comeuppance. Fate having its devious little way with him. And for Tali? Well, she didn't deserve this. Not in the way that he did.

Shepard tried to sigh, but immediately stopped once the soreness in his throat reared its ugly head.

"Fuck sake." Shepard could only let this out as a raspy whisper.

There was a knock at the door before it quietly opened to reveal -

"Vakarian?" It was a whisper at the highest volume Shepard could muster. His mind told him that it was an effort that would have produced a solid yell had he been at full capacity.

"Surprise," he simply stated with a sheepish turian grin.

Shepard felt a genuine grin force its way onto his face. "Garrus, what the hell are you doing here?" Again, the commander could only offer a whispered greeting to his friend. He shook his head in frustration.

Garrus pulled the chair that Tali had been using closer to Shepard's side. He shook his head sympathetically. "Shepard, don't sweat it. My hearing is still pretty good by turian standards - which means it's about ten times better than yours. So…don't strain yourself. Besides, your better half told me what you had going on, so like I said: don't strain yourself."

Shepard could only smile at his friend.

"So, Shepard, I thought I would just saunter up in here and insult you in a manner befitting my closest friend. Upon further inspection, no insult I could lay upon you would do justice to the absolute sorry state that you are in. But that won't stop me from telling you that you do indeed look like shit." They both stopped to laugh. "And Miranda said that this was an 'improvement'?" He shook his head as his countenance became decidedly somber. "Seriously now, Shepard. How do you feel?"

The commander took a few moments, punctuated by light wheezing as he did so, to collect his thoughts.

How the fuck am I supposed to answer that?

Well, let's see: I apparently spent an entire week talking to a virtual Illusive Man, a lot of fun when coupled with the fact that I'd just been forced to murder my surrogate father by the motherfucker; gotten my ass blown up - again; got to recount these wonderful memories of me and Tali to that asshole; woke up on a pile of smoking rubble with my body in fucking tatters; crawled my way to a terminal in the hopes that maybe - fucking maybe - there was someone still alive to get it. Oh and what's more? Let's not forget that I'm a genocidal monster now, too.

"Physically, I'm…alive, which is more than I have any right to be, I think." He watched as Garrus cocked his head in curiosity - he did not press him. "Mentally, I am…fucking exhausted, Garrus. I think I'm going to need a lot of time to process everything. At the same time? I'm hopeful. Tali…Garrus, I can't tell you what she means to me, how much it means to me that she's here. She…I think that I might be okay."

Garrus let out a satisfied breath. "Well, Shepard you know that I'm also here if you need anything - and I mean it, you heroic bastard - anything."

They fell silent for a moment, as Shepard let their words hang and sink in. He took a shallow sip of water from the cup sitting on the table next to him. Sucking the liquid through the straw, he had to stifle a laugh.

"What's so funny, Shepard?"

He held the cup toward Garrus and nodded in a way that he hoped would indicate that he meant the straw. "Emergency Induction Port."

The turian shook his head in laughter.

"Well, you can be pretty certain that I'll be taking you up on that offer at some point." Idly, the Spectre scratched an itch on the side of his neck. "So tell me, Garrus: what have I missed? It's only been a…week and a couple of days, so hopefully I didn't miss much. How did you and Tali get here? Did everyone…" he swallowed hard before continuing, "…make it back? And Garrus - don't leave shit out for my benefit."

The turian leaned back in the chair, trying to determine just how much of the last week he should divulge.

Might as well jump right in.

"We…uh…fuck. There's no easy way to say it. We lost EDI." He paused, considering. "Joker lost EDI."

Well, that confirms that, then.

Fucking murderer.

Garrus watched as a strange expression flashed across the commander's face. It was one he recognized as guilt - one that he'd worn before - but he didn't know why it had been there.

Shepard thought of the (not so) simple ring she had gifted him at the apartment on shore leave. He hadn't realized it then, but he realized it now: it was far too similar for his liking to when he had handed the rock from Rannoch to Tali. It was a reminder of what once was, of what she had hoped that Earth would still be.

It had been a start.

And it was far too human a thing to have done to be dissuaded from thinking that - knowing that - EDI was alive and vibrant and just as "human" (for lack of a better term) as anyone else. She had had the telltale "fire" of beings that were truly alive - curiosity, empathy, humor - and, dare he say it? Love.

And Shepard had snuffed her out.

"Garrus, do you know…why?" Shepard wasn't sure if he was asking rhetorically en route to a full confession, or if he was hoping to buy himself some time.

The turian again considered everything his friend was telling him by what he was not telling him. Every fiber in his being was yelling to him that Shepard was hiding something incredibly painful, and that he felt just as guilty about it. Still, he would not press him. He knew Shepard, and whatever it was, he would come out with it when he could.

"All we know is that the wave that came from the Citadel had something to do with it. It was what took down the Reapers, it was what took out the Geth, and it was what took away EDI."

Shepard was crestfallen.

It's not like I didn't already know, but now I've officially doubled-down. Glad to have that confirmed.

The commander swallowed hard as he looked at his lap.

Garrus took a stab. "Shepard, do you want to talk about -"

He shook his head dismissively. When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. "I…can't Garrus. Not yet. It was…impossible."

The turian wasn't sure what had been 'impossible', but the guilt, fear and shame that could have been wrung from the commander's words told him enough to know that the "ruthless calculus" had reared its ugly fucking head one more time. And this time, it may have finally done the impossible: broken Shepard.

Shattered him, in fact.

Who could possibly pick up those pieces? Who could put them back into place?

If luck was a still a thing that had just a little more to give, than hopefully it would be Tali that could do just that.

Silence befell them. Garrus was okay with it, and Shepard required it.

Eventually, the commander told him to continue after a long exhalation and a dab at his watery eyes. "Okay. What about you and Tali?"

"Well, Tali and I just kinda hung around after the shuttle brought you here from the Citadel. I think she told her fellow admirals that she was 'indisposed' for the foreseeable future. I talked to her on my way up here, and she was going to update Han'Gerrel while I came up. The Alliance base has a QEC terminal available."

Shepard flashed a look of intense concern, and looked at him pleadingly. "Garrus, how are the quarians? I asked a lot from them, and they no doubt responded in kind. But, they only had about 17 million people accounting for their entire species." The Spectre swallowed hard. "Please tell me I didn't ask too much of them. Please tell me that there is a quarian species to speak of." His voice trailed off as he fixed his gaze firmly to his lap.

Garrus shook his head with a smirk. "Well, first off, your would-be wife can better answer that question." Shepard chuckled at the reference to his saera. "But from what I know, they made out reasonably okay. Besides, they left a large portion of their population on Rannoch, just in case the worst happened."

John shook his head dismissively. "You're right Garrus…I guess I'm just paranoid." He coughed again.

With the quarian question out of the way, he continued with the rest of his update. "As for the others? I think Liara is still in-system, but she should be by to see you soon. Ashley and Vega both had Alliance obligations - Ashley to the council as well, such as it is. The Normandy - I think - is heading out today. I haven't caught up with Wrex or Grunt though; I suspect that Tuchanka is keeping them busy. And for once, I think your recovery has been kept under wraps pretty well. I haven't heard or seen anything on the extranet yet, which might explain a few things."

"Thank God for small favors, Garrus. While I'd love to see everybody again, I'm just not ready for it. You and Tali, and Liara when she can stop by, is quite enough for now. Besides, there's apparently an entire galaxy to rebuild. Everybody's got work to do."

"I get that, Shepard. And like I said before - whatever you need - I'm here."

Shepard took another sip from his water. "Thanks, Garrus. I know you've got my back. Shit, you and Tali have had it longer than anyone, and I love you two." He smirked a little. "Well, some of you more than others, anyway."

"How are you breaking the news to Tali then?"

Shepard began to laugh - which was a terrible idea. It quickly morphed into a series of spastic coughs, with his middle finger extended to convey what exactly he thought of his friend. He finally recovered enough to whisper a single "Fuck sake, Garrus" at him. This only caused the turian to laugh even harder at him.

Friends. What can you do?

Garrus handed him his water, taking the initiative to continue with their little debrief.

"Anyway. So, here's the gist of what happened after you…uh…got Tali back to the Normandy: once we got her on board, it was a pretty hectic ride getting out of there. Thankfully, the reapers didn't initially pay any attention to us. We got Tali to the med bay, and Hackett gave the order for the ships to pull back." He leaned closer to the commander. "Shepard, we were not going to win without that thing firing. It was legitimately our only shot."

Closing his eyes, the commander let out a long breath that ended in a throaty cough, shaking his head slightly as he did so. When he reopened them, Garrus continued.

"Joker had to be convinced to leave. Ashley says that he waited until the absolute last second to pull back from the Citadel. I think he was trying - hoping - to make up for Alchera."

At the mention of the planet over which Shepard had died, the human closed his eyes tightly again. The memory of that moment stood out among a litany of unbelievably emotional moments for him. Again he thought of his saera and the misery that she had suffered as a result.

Two years. Just like blinking an eye, except everyone suffers. Garrus suffered. Liara suffered. And Tali…what she went through…because she loved me even then, I think. And the lucid dreams that comprised my existence? They were of her, always of her. And they always ended the same way - fire and ice.

"Hey Shepard, this can wait if you -"

The commander shook his head dismissively as he opened his eyes again. "No, Garrus it's okay. Just…thinking about Alchera. Keep going."

"When we did pull back, the Crucible actually fired, letting out this energy wave. Shepard, the power of that thing was enormous. Talking to Traynor afterward, she showed me some of the readings…Shepard, they were literally off the charts."

Shepard's eyes widened at that bit of info. All he remembered from his encounter with the Catalyst was the sadistic conversation with those impossible options, then emptying his clip, and then…The Illusive Man.

"So, we ended up on Eden Prime. Again…"

"Holy shit. You guys did all that in a week?"

The commander thought that he had misheard. He had heard and seen his fair share of miracles - hell, he was his own miracle twice over - but to get the Normandy back in the air and to Earth in that kind of time -

"Absurd, I know. But we caught quite a few breaks. Obviously, landing on Eden Prime was one of the biggest ones. But I think the biggest one was how quickly the relays came back up. Now I don't know enough about the tech that powered those things to hazard a guess, but Spirits…we couldn't have caught a larger break than that."

"That's just incredible. We all got lucky."

Garrus leaned back in his chair with an expression on his face like a proud father. "Well, you know, Shepard. When ol' Garrus Vakarian sets out to do something -"

Shepard smiled knowingly. "Tali got you up and running, didn't she? Along with Gabby and Ken. And Adams. And Traynor. And Ash-"

Clearing his throat suspiciously, he responded. "Ahem…well, yes they might have had something to do with it."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Something?"

"Okay, maybe a lot to do with it." His tone became a touch more somber as he frowned. "Shepard, she was a woman possessed. She was hurting. There was so much…that she went through just trying to get back here. So much that she put herself through just trying to hold it together long enough to get back here. She was fighting herself. She couldn't…figure out whether she had to try to let you…go, or even if she could…"

He trailed off, remembering again their conversation in the cabin. How he thought that she had implied taking her own life.

The commander lowered his gaze. "I should probably apologize to her. Again. She never deserved that…I never wanted to…she shouldn't have had…" The conflicting emotions that he felt gnawed at him. On one hand, he knew that he'd made the right choice - Tali had deserved to live; but on the other, the hell that he must have put her through weighed him down with even more guilt.

What if he hadn't made it, leaving her alone to the fresh hell of life without him?

He shuddered at the thought.

Never again.

Garrus shook his head. "Shepard, none of this was your fault, and Tali knows that. She was caught somewhere between hope and grief." He leaned back, relieved to have gotten at least some of that out of the way. "Besides, you're back, and with no more Reapers - wait, do I have to knock on something?"

"Probably 'wood', Garrus."

He pointed at Shepard. "Yes, that's it. A curious expression. But, now the Reapers are gone, and you can settle into a nice, quiet retirement."

Shepard gave him a genuine smile. "Retirement sounds pretty good. But I'm not sure I'll be any good at it. I feel like I've been fighting my entire life. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it yet." He took a sip of water. "Maybe though, I think I could figure it out, ya know?"

"Hmm. I don't know, Shepard. You can't even do shore leave without some absurd thing happening to you." He thought for a moment. "What the hell will retirement look like? Do you think it'll be another clone? An army of clones?"

The commander tried to laugh and ended up coughing again. "It'd better not be, or I'm never taking time off again. And Tali would never let me hear the end of it, either."

They both slipped into silence for a time, content to spend that time with their thoughts. Shepard realized that he might not be alone in retirement.

"Okay Garrus. If we're playing the 'what now' game, what about you? Retirement?"

The turian shook his head dismissively. "Not for me, Shepard. Victus still says that I'm a 'valuable asset', (yes, finger quotes) and for once I'm inclined to agree. There are a lot of pieces to pick up now that this is all over. He seems to think that I'll be pretty good at helping to pick them up. I think…I think that it'll be nice to build instead of destroy."

Shepard nodded. "I think you're right. The way you coordinated with Victus and the rest; you're one of the main reasons the turians had anything left to give during the final push. You'll do great, I'm sure of it. When do you start?"

"Well, the primarch has given me a lot of leeway - perks of helping to save the galaxy and knowing you - so I'll be checking in for a few days after this, but I should be given free rein afterward. Victus understood - hell, encouraged - me to stick around for you. So, my offer still stands, Shepard. I'm here to help you. And maybe get drunk."

The commander smiled at the thought of Victus. He was a good man, and a worthy primarch. That led him to remember how the primarch's own son had sacrificed himself to ensure that a turian-krogan-human alliance wouldn't be abandoned before it had even started. Without him, none of what happened after - including victory - would have been possible. Once again, he was reminded of why he never took sole credit for any victory. He had simply stood upon the shoulders of giants, and at the end of the day, he just happened to be the last one standing.

"Well, I think the 'drunk' will have to wait a little bit. Can you imagine Miranda's reaction?"

"Spirits. Yeah, we're going to have to wait on that. No need for you to get on her bad side already."

The turian stood up. "Well, Shepard, I'll leave you to it, my friend. I'm off to Palaven for a few days, then I should be on my way back here."

He shook the turian's hand. "Sounds good, Garrus. And, thanks again. For everything."

Including for taking care of Tali for me. For keeping her together. You're a good man, Garrus, and I owe you more than you know, I think.

Garrus simply gave him a stoic look. "Shepard, you are more than welcome. Now make sure that you don't give Tali any shit, and I'll see you soon."

And with that, he watched his unlikely best friend walk out of his room, leaving him, once again, alone with his thoughts. Unfortunately for him, they were almost always decidedly uncomfortable bedfellows.