"Admirals, good day."

Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy was standing in the dark circular room of the QEC terminal at (the recently-renamed) Anderson Base in London, herself surrounded by the blue-tinted holographic visages of the other members of the quarian Admiralty Board. She'd been here a few times already during Shepard's recovery in order to stay abreast of developments on Rannoch. After every visit here, she made sure to message Admiral Hackett and thank him for its use. It had been at his insistence that she get unlimited access to it, and the base commander was as gracious as she would've hoped. It certainly wouldn't have hurt that it was known among the human military ranks that any disrespect of any kind was tantamount to disrespect shown to Commander John Shepard - the man who'd saved the galaxy.

No one was going to do that.

But somehow, she had mused on one occasion, she thought that maybe the respect being shown to her was not simply through her association with the commander.

We did just save the galaxy from complete annihilation. Again.

She had allowed herself this momentary indulgence, normally she would have deflected any idea that she had done something significant. It was a trait that she and the commander shared - never accept full responsibility for team success. Nothing significant was ever accomplished alone.

Except for whatever John had done on the Citadel to finally end the slaughter, hopefully forever.

She was still concerned about her saera, of course. While the previous night had been…fun, but it still hadn't been what they had both craved from each other. Then she had awoken in the middle of the night to the dismaying sight of her captain shedding tears in his sleep muttering something about EDI and asking forgiveness. Tali had spent the remainder of the night holding him closer to her, not wanting to wake him. Sure enough, the tears had stopped shortly after she had pressed his head close to her.

But what exactly was going on inside that head? EDI? Tali just didn't understand, and she felt like it needed to be addressed, and soon. While Shepard, for most of the outside world, appeared to be mending just fine, she knew that the greater wound was not anything physical. He had done a masterful job of hiding it, hell, he might have even convinced himself that he was fine. But during the night the ghosts tended to roam, and his ghosts seemed to be particularly merciless.

So it was with all this on her mind that she was meeting with the other admirals while John labored through his first physical therapy session.

"Good day, Admiral Tali'Zorah. We are all curious: How is Commander Shepard?"

Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay (I guess maybe it's 'vas Rannoch' now, Tali mused) was the first to greet her when she joined the meeting. Tali was grateful for her presence - not just here, but in all things. "Auntie Raan" had been her mother's closest friend, and had practically raised her after her mother had died. More recently, she had been Tali's only significant confidant amongst her people. Sure, Tali had kept in touch with other quarians, but Shala was the one that she trusted the most. Her question then, was not taken as just an "ice breaker" (another human idiom, she thought with a smirk). Tali knew that it was a genuine question regarding well-being; not just Shepard's, but of her own as well. She knew that the two were inextricably intertwined. Connected.

They were more than just "in love", as the humans would call it.

Maybe even bonded.

It was with that knowledge that Shala had asked the question.

"Thank you for your concern, Admirals. Shepard is progressing well. Most of his injuries that will heal have already mostly done so. There are, of course, some from which he will likely not recover…"

Not just physical, if his sleep patterns are any indication.

"…but he has accepted that as a small price for what was achieved."

The other admirals nodded their agreement.

Admiral Zaal'Koris actually spoke on the matter. "Tali, I know I speak for the Board, as well as for me personally, when I say that I am pleased to hear of his progress. Your captain is, and always will be, held in very high regard by not only us but by our people as a whole."

Tali actually smiled at his words. Yes, Koris could be a pompous blowhard, and was often an ass, but he almost always meant well. She had especially appreciated his admission and the apology that he had delivered to her personally after her trial. Ever since, they had seen each other with fresh eyes. Tali no longer saw him as a weak-minded man that had taken his disagreements with her father out on her; and Koris no longer regarded her as simply a clone of her father who had been hell-bent on the reclamation of the homeworld from the Geth, regardless of the price. They had both grown, and both were better for it.

Tali nodded at his words. "Thank you Zaal. I will of course pass along the board's well-wishes." Another series of nodding acknowledgments. "So, how are things on Rannoch?"

Raan answered her question. "Tali, things are progressing…slowly. More slowly than most of us had expected them to. We have close to fifteen million quarians split almost equally between Rannoch and what remains of the fleet. Trying to settle the planet in an orderly fashion, while keeping the fleet and its population functional, was always going to be a daunting task. Even the Conclave is split between Rannoch and the fleet."

Tali let that sink in. It had always been a dream to resettle the homeworld. But now, she felt dismayed and incredibly guilty for leaving her colleagues to tackle this by themselves. Perhaps she hadn't properly understood the sheer scale of the task.

But she had priorities. Very personal priorities.

And that's what she would tend to first.

Shala'Raan continued, snapping her from her thoughts.

"We are trying to organize a functioning government in Jal'Himom, but we have been hampered by damage to the planet."

Tali noticeably stiffened at that prospect. That had gotten her attention. "Raan (she almost led with 'Auntie', but mercifully caught herself), what damage? The Reapers hadn't passed through the Veil yet…well except for the one that was taken down by Shepard and the Fleet."

It was Han'Gerrel's turn. "Tali, it wasn't the Reapers. The Pulse, or wave, that came from the Citadel did more damage here than on our ships, or even other planets that we've heard from. We're not sure why yet, but the planetary networks here are malfunctioning and are now quite unreliable. As you know, the Geth had sent a signal back here from Earth, followed shortly by the Pulse. We don't know the exact cause - the Geth signal, the Pulse, both, or something else entirely. Limited as we are in terms of information, we have only guesses."

"What kind of damage? I don't understand. Do the networks simply not exist? Are they hampered in some way?"

Zaal'Koris fielded this one. "Tali, as far as we can tell, the Pulse simply 'fried' most of the networks' capacity. That, coupled with the fact that the Geth tried to upload a lot of data using those same networks, which is theoretically still trying to be transferred, has rendered this whole thing a complete mess." With his shoulders slumped, he let out a defeated sigh. "We simply don't have the capacity to effectively coordinate anything, and we don't even know what information they were trying to upload in the first place."

"What about the base that they had there?"

The other admirals exchanged a few awkward glances, shifting uncomfortably. Zaal even made the "this is awkward" cough.

"The base," Shala began, "no longer exists, Tali."

Tali's eyes flew wide open. Just what the hell had happened on her world?

"What…what do you mean it doesn't exist?"

"The Pulse…completely destroyed it. We can only assume that it was because the Geth programs were housed there."

Tali felt nauseous. All this time she spent with Shepard -

No. I will not feel guilty for this. He needs me.

And her people were struggling so much.

"Have you tried to reset the networks? Like a hard reboot?" Tali was trying to help, far from her home as she was.

Well, not home, just yet. Besides, your real home isn't any building. Your home is alive and breathing, and he needs you.

Zaal answered her question. "Tali, we simply can't afford to. We're not even sure how long they would be down if we tried that - or even if they would come back up. As it is, limited capacity is better than no capacity."

Her mouth was dry and she felt sick. How was she supposed to do this?

Daro'Xen chimed in next. "It is with all of that said, Admiral, that we have a request. Since you are still in-system, and will be for the foreseeable future," the…mocking disdain was easily heard in her voice as Xen spoke about Tali's presence on Earth, "we wish for you to board one of the Geth ships and attempt to acquire whatever information or files that you can."

Tali poked for more. "And just what type of information are you looking for, Xen?"

If Xen was annoyed at the pointed question, she didn't show it. "It's quite simple, Tali," the way she drew out her name made Tali's skin crawl, "anything that can help us explain and overcome the damage done here, to help reclaim the planet. Any research they might have had for agriculture, irrigation, technology, architecture, defense. The types of things that would benefit us as we embark on resettling the homeworld."

Tali had felt guilty, yes, but Daro had a knack for pulling from her nothing but anger. She very much wanted to introduce Xen to the business end of her shotgun. It wasn't what she had said that infuriated her so. It was the manner in which she said it. Everything else about her - from her posture, to the way her head moved - screamed her disdain and disrespect for Tali.

"So, I take it that I do not have much say in the matter?" With her hands on her hips in a display of her displeasure, Tali asked the rhetorical question with a noticeable huff. She hadn't wanted to sound so angry about the request - frankly, she understood it - but Xen had a way of reminding her that Tali was really just an admiral in name only.

Shala spoke next. And now here comes the "good cop". Tali was not surprised to feel like this whole meeting might have been scripted beforehand. "Tali, please. Not only are we trying to overcome the problems here, but furthermore, we wish to have an accurate account of what happened to the Geth at the source of the Pulse."

Tali scoffed. She knew that they had wanted Shala to reiterate this request, probably to get the sour taste of Xen out of her mouth. She also knew that "an accurate account" was little more than window dressing for their real concern.

"What we know for sure is that right before they went offline," Tali felt herself tense up as Zaal spoke. After all, it was she that had corrected Admiral Hackett in his own assessment of what happened to the Geth. They didn't go "offline", keelah, they died. But this was not the place to argue philosophical semantics, certainly not with Xen and Gerrel in attendance. She let it slide as Zaal continued. "The Geth here received a signal from the Geth in the Sol System. Shortly thereafter, a data transfer began from what we presume to have been their servers…I guess?…to ours. Then around the same time the Pulse reached here, there was a spike in the transfer speed, then everything went down. We were…cooperating with them on a number of projects here. It is possible that the data dump is related to these projects, or-"

Han interrupted Zaal's explanation with a harshness to his voice that Tali did not appreciate. "Or it could be something more sinister. While Commander Shepard had brokered peace in the short-term, we do not know if there were any other…plans at deception."

Tali scoffed, once again, at the implication. They were making her do quite a bit of that lately. She couldn't help it, and she didn't care. "You mean like a virus? Han, I really don't think that anything like that would happen," Xen began to interrupt her before Tali simply raised her hand to stop her, "but I can not and will not rule anything out. Not when it comes to our people and our home. But why not simply board one of their ships there? Surely they were participating in the defense of Rannoch."

Xen nodded. "Yes, they were. Unfortunately, the ships here are too damaged to even attempt to board them ourselves. It seems that when they were hit, most of them suffered physical damage based on their proximity to other ships, or as a side-effect of the Pulse itself." She paused, likely only for little more than dramatic effect. "Some of our own ships took damage in the aftermath as well. In any case, we cannot board them here, and since the Pulse originated from Earth's system, it is likely that whatever we are looking for is there." She looked over at Han. "Han has told us that the bulk of their fleet was participating in the final battle over Earth. We presume that, through sheer numbers, there will be a suitable ship which you may board. And, I understand your feelings about them, Tali. I know that you had…an affinity toward them." She spat those words out, too. "So we are appreciative of your attention in this matter."

This bitch. What I wouldn't give to tear her out of her suit and sink my claws -

"I'm sure," Tali began her withering reply as she regarded the other admirals with a sweeping glance, "but I will take my own team. If I am to determine what happened, I will only take those that I trust. This is non-negotiable, my fellow admirals. Is that clear?" Tali watched their reactions. Gerrel and Zaal stiffened slightly at her response, but likely for different reasons, she wagered. She thought that she could read a smile in Shala's reaction, but Xen was her typically hard-to-read self. To her surprise, it was Xen who responded.

"That is, of course, acceptable Tali. This is your operation, and you may take with you whomever you find trustworthy for this mission."

Tali thought that that was too easy, and there was something else at play here. She sighed. "Is there a timeframe? As you know, transportation around the galaxy is still difficult, and I will need to gain access to an available ship here. That may take some time, as there are not many to spare. Also, the space in Earth's system is, well, 'cluttered' may be the best word for it. I believe they are still having trouble clearing the area. I will inquire with Admiral Hackett soon. Also, there are few others that I would trust with this. Normally, I would bring Shepard along, since he is both capable and trustworthy, but he won't be an option in his current state. So this may take some time."

At the mention of her captain, she caught Gerrel as he clearly winced.

So he's still pissed. Good. Let him be, the idiotic bosh'tet.

Shala's turn. "Of course Tali, we understand. We would hope that this could be rectified as soon as possible, but you're right; transportation is difficult at the moment. Begin whatever preparations you deem necessary and keep us apprised of your progress."

"Very well, Shala. I will inform the Board of my progress as soon as I can. Is there anything further, admirals?"

Zaal looked at the other three admirals alongside him - uncomfortably, Tali thought - before answering her. "No, Tali. Everything else is specific to events on Rannoch, and there is very little that you can contribute at present, at least until your return." She bristled at the way that it had been said, as if she was somehow less of a "proper quarian" for being on Earth. They didn't understand, maybe they couldn't understand. "We'll send a report to you at the conclusion of this meeting, and will take any remarks that you might have with the utmost seriousness."

And they don't even bother to pretend like I matter now, even Shala. "No more Geth, who needs Tali?" That's so unlike her. Maybe she knew she would be overridden? Even if she wanted to continue the meeting and have me present, she gets outvoted 3-2 anyway.

She nodded as solemnly as she was able to. She felt that it was more than they deserved, the bosh'tets. "Very well, admirals. I thank you for your time. I will update you regarding my mission soon, and I will send along any remarks regarding this meeting as soon as I review your report. Keelah se'lai."

There were murmurs of reciprocation, and Tali broke the connection, winking them out of sight.

She shook her head in dismay and indignation.

"Assholes." Tali turned on her heels to exit the QEC and head back to the hospital to see how Shepard had gotten on with therapy, when her stomach growled noisily.

Keelah, when was the last time I ate?

As she thought about it, she realized that it had been just before she and John began their little card game the night before. Checking the time, she saw that it was already the afternoon. They had stayed up late last night too.

Mmm, but it was worth it, even with my slight reaction. Nothing the antibiotics can't rectify. Even if it was just a heavy…"making out" session, it felt so good to kiss and touch him…to feel him on me. It felt right.

He loves me so much. He just…forgave me. Like he knew exactly how I felt, and just understood.

The soul of my soul.

And just like that, she felt uplifted again.

With a radiant smile stretched across her face at the thought, she began to stride toward the mess area in the base, knowing that there would be dextro rations available.

—

She sat alone in the back corner of the mess hall, watching the snow fall outside. It was something that Tali would likely never get used to: snow. She'd only even experienced it once before (and that was at the start of her Pilgrimage - an admittedly terrible start) she joined Shepard in the hunt for the rogue Spectre, Saren. Living her entire life aboard the Rayya up until that point, she had never really been exposed to things like "weather" before. She remembered when they had gotten caught in a snowstorm on Noveria - "like rain, except…really cold" Shepard had answered with a laugh when she asked him what he knew about "snow". Of course, he didn't know it then, but she had no idea what "rain" was. Well, she knew the textbook definition of course, but she'd never experienced the sensation of freely flowing water against her skin, outside of a clean room.

"Keelah, Shepard! It's so cold! How do you stand it?"

They were taking a break inside the Mako - "the little tank that could", as Shepard had called it once. She hadn't understood the reference until he had her do an extranet search on "The Little Engine That Could". She had no idea why he remembered such things as a centuries-old children's book. As she quickly read it, she understood precisely what he meant.

Liara had chimed in. "Tali, if you think this is cold, you would dislike some parts of Thessia. Near some of the mountains this would just be another chilly day for me growing up." She chuckled softly at the mention of her childhood, but hidden on her face was discomfort - either at the memory or her current predicament with her mother. In either case, her past was something that she didn't speak of much, so Tali was glad that at least this mention of it brought her a smile, fleeting as it might have been.

Shepard at first looked back at her, then to Tali. "Well, I'm a northeast America kid, so this was standard procedure for a quarter of the year," he studied Tali's reaction as she cocked her head in confusion, "and that means absolutely nothing to you, does it?" Shepard smiled at her, keelah, did he smile.

"Um, well I never really got to…you know…" she trailed off as nervousness overcame her and her wringing hands. Finally, the pilgrim shook her head. "No, it doesn't," she answered sadly.

"Ah, don't worry about it. I'll tell you about it when we're back on the Normandy."

He laughed a little as his eyes became only slightly distant, like he'd had a flash of memory, and for a moment his smile disappeared before it returned in its full splendor. Tali was not unaware, but its return made her melt.

It was at times like these, sitting alone with her thoughts right after she finished meeting with the other admirals - in theory, her colleagues - when she would consider the wisdom of remaining one.

Hell, she second-guessed the wisdom of becoming one in the first place.

But it had to be me. If it wasn't me, it would have been some other war-obsessed idiot. We would've attacked the Geth even sooner, and we might not have…well, it might not have worked out so well. Tali had been unable to put words to the thought of a worst-case scenario had she not been the handbrake that echoed Zaal's concerns when Xen and Gerrel were desperate to attack, Eventually they swayed Raan anyway, but Tali's presence had bought them time - time that Shepard had needed before he could turn his attention to their conflict. Ancestors, how I missed him! And how I hurt him. He even expressed…doubts about where he stood with me…with us. Even now she felt the familiar tears well up inside her. And when I told him that we had to "keep it professional"…he took it. Keelah, he took it. I levied the punishment on him…and he stood by me. Oh it hurt so much to know that I did that to him. He needed me, as I needed him. What did he tell me once? There was a human expression that Shepard had told her, she thought that it was something that one of the "foster parents" (she thought that was the term for who had tried to raise him after his own parents died) had said to him. It finally came to her. "This is going to hurt me as much as it hurts you", he had said. For a time, she had felt that she was no better than Liara, who had seemingly abandoned him for her pursuit of the Shadow Broker, only to return when opportunity and convenience meant that he could offer her something. Of course Tali realized now that her behavior wasn't as cut-and-dry as it had first appeared; and they had needed Liara to be the Shadow Broker if they were to have won the war. But still. It had hurt Shepard, and Tali had been there for all of it. Then, after they had secured peace on Rannoch, it had taken Shepard quite a lot to convince her that he had, in fact, understood her predicament. That she hadn't done what it looked like Liara had done. That she hadn't simply turned her back on him.

"John…I am so sorry…" she started before he cut her off by sweeping her into an embrace. The soft blue glow of the fish tank colored everything she saw.

"Tali, I know. It's okay."

She stepped back in a fit of anger - directed at herself, but also at him for having the audacity to try and forgive her so easily.

"Keelah, John, it is not. I left you to rot while they put you - you! - under arrest. And then I only come back because we needed your help? I…sauntered back onto the Normandy like nothing had happened? John…I am your saera, and I am ashamed of myself for doing that to you." She ended her statement with more choked off tears, they were tears of anger and shame rather than those of sadness.

She hadn't been sure if she had reached that stage of their bond until she had said the word aloud.

As for the commander, if he registered what she had said, or wanted to question her about it, he did not show it. No, he was focused solely on her. Once again, he was trying to put her at ease as she so often did him. He regarded her quietly, not moving toward her this time, before deciding to speak.

"Tali'Zorah, you did what was necessary. You are a quarian. You were trying to save your people from a needless war, knowing that the biggest conflict any of us would ever see was coming. You were trying to make sure that when the time came, you would still be alive for me to love." He took a step toward her, enveloping her once again in his arms. He whispered to her. "Tali, I would have done the same thing. And I would have hated myself for it too."

He heard a sniffle before she spoke quietly. "John, before…I came back to you…how well did you sleep?"

Shepard tensed at the question before resting his head on her shoulder and whispering his own reply. "Terribly. It was like when…it was like when Cerberus brought me back. Not the same…dreams…but the same feeling. Of hopelessness. Of anger. Of loss."

"Keelah, John. You and me both. But now? I feel better. I feel -"

"Complete?"

She squeezed him tighter to her, she could feel his heart beating against her chest. "Yes, saera. Complete. With you is the only time I feel that way."

Maybe he was at that stage as well.

Human as he was.

She wasn't sure how long her omnitool had been flashing when she realized that she had a new message, which turned out to be "junk mail" as Shepard called it. But then she saw an unopened message that she'd received almost a week and a half ago - from Garrus. Her breath caught in her throat, as she hoped that it hadn't actually been important.

How did I miss this? Oh Garrus, I hope you're okay.

Trying to calm the shaking in her hand, she managed to open the message.

Tali -

Sorry if this is a bad time. I just left Palaven. I was going to message Shepard but I wasn't sure what kind of shape he'd be in - or even if he had his omnitool hooked up again. Listen, I'm going to be away for a bit longer than I thought. Liara sent me a message asking for some help. Not sure what that's all about, but I'm heading to Illium. I thought that she would've come back to Earth to see Shepard by now, but you know how she is. I'm not sure what's on Illium, or even what's left of it. In any case, I'll be back soon, hopefully with our resident asari friend in tow.

Keep calibrating,

G

Tali's first reaction was to laugh at the way he had signed off. Then she wondered just what the hell was going on that required Liara to ask him for help on Illium in the first place. Tali would have figured that Illium made sense for Liara, she supposed. It was her former base of operations, so why then would she need Garrus? The whole thing was…weird. She'd talk to John about it when she got back to see what he thought. Maybe Garrus or Liara had talked to him first and he had just forgotten?

And when had she left the Sol system in the first place?

And why was Liara always so secretive?

But eventually Tali simply shrugged it off, not really thinking too much of it. After all, they were professionals and could take care of themselves.

I mean really. Who would be stupid enough to take on both Archangel and the Shadow Broker?

Finishing her nutrient paste, she deposited it into the receptacle. With a polite nod to the guard at the exit, she stepped outside into the chilly air that was filled with gently-blowing snow.