It was a hazy sunshine that greeted him. Hazy, dim, but warm.

Typical. For a Rannoch morning, anyway.

Exactly why it was greeting him was another matter entirely. Shepard didn't know how he'd gotten here. He was just here.

Against the light, he saw the silhouette of a form. She was sitting on the ground, back to him. She was quarian.

A smile spread across his face. He'd recognize that body anywhere.

Tali.

He took a few steps toward her, but stopped. Something was off. Felt wrong. Even the sound felt wrong, muted. Like undersaturated colors. Or hearing voices under water.

Atypical. A chill tip-toed up his spine, like it was trying to stay out of sight, undetected. A shadow in the sun.

Warm as it may have been, he shivered just the same.

Looking down, he received his first clues that something was amiss.

Adorning his feet was a pair of battered and ruined boots he recognized well. They had been plated with his protective armor, heavy as fuck but fit for purpose for an N7 and Spectre like himself. Not anymore. He could see the jutting shards of metal that sprouted from the base itself - a jagged reminder of what once had been - protection now broken. He scanned the rest of himself - black fatigues adorned his legs, torn and ripped through in multiple areas. Dried blood was caked around all of the exposed patches of himself, vestiges of courage. But also something more - or more accurately, something less.

Every one of them was a reminder of a mistake, an imperfection. A wrong call, a disastrous choice.

But that was just the start of it.

He held his hands up in front of him, inspecting. They were coated with a crimson paint, caked in some areas, still wet and grisly in most.

Not paint.

He traced his eyes down the front of himself, stopping at the wet, steaming hole in his side that gaped just below his ribs. Except it wasn't gaping. There was something jammed in there - in him. And not just something, but a dirty, charred remnant of something hot and metallic. He smelled like the acrid scent of iron.

He smelled of blood. He reeked of it.

"Jesus what the fuck…?

His eyes widened at the sound of what was supposed to be his whispered voice. It was, and yet it decidedly was not. It sounded like -

"Harbinger."

Looking up, he saw motion from the form at the cliff's edge. Tali looked over her shoulder at him, eyes wide and bright.

"John?" Her voice was different too, not in the vile, demonic way that his was, though. No, Tali's voice was the exact opposite. Her voice was the sound of innocence, of running barefoot through open fields on a warm summer's evening. It was the sound of a thousand songbirds, a thousand giggles at a thousand loving kisses.

Dread began to slither and dance with its demonic little claws, scratching at the back of his mind.

Or were they demonic little teeth?

Guess it doesn't matter.

"John, is that you?"

Her brow furrowed.

"Yes, Tali. It's me." He was close to tears, desperate. His mind demanded that he go to her, soothe her.

It was Harbinger's voice that had responded again.

Tali's eyes widened at the sound, face full of panic. She stood up shakily, facing him. Eyeing him, trying to determine perhaps if he was real.

Shepard studied her carefully. She was naked. She was beautiful. But there was something…

As he beheld her subtle lilac skin, the flared hips, her narrow waist, the dread crept - no, it fucking pounced on him. There was something just below her left breast, it was dark and deformed. It was a crater of sorts, cracked and charred and -

It was expanding.

He took a few cautious steps at first, unsteady as he was in his dread.

"Tali, what is that?" Thankfully it was his own voice that escaped him now.

"Oh this?" She pointed at the gruesome mark on her in complete nonchalance. "It's what was left."

He heard the booming, blood-curdling siren of Harbinger's blast overhead - it heated the air. It chilled his soul.

"Tali," he began with a quiet cough brought on by his arid throat, "please, tell me. I don't understand. Left of what?"

He took another few modest steps. She was almost in arm's reach.

She smiled sadly at him, it was a sympathetic one. She addressed him like a child. Like he should already know the answer to this fucking question.

Idiot bosh'tet.

"It's a soul scar, John."

The words slapped him across the face. It was said so matter-of-factly.

The blood drained from his face.

"A soul…a soul scar? What do you mean? What is that?"

She rolled her luminescent eyes at him.

The wound expanded further across her chest and up her shoulder. It ate into her perfect, beautiful skin. As far as Shepard could tell, Tali felt no pain.

"You know. When you left me in felz'elt. When you didn't come back to me. When you died. And left me to live."

"What do you mean…?"

"John," she frowned, "you were half of my soul. You became a part of me. I couldn't live without you, even if I'd tried."

Shepard's eyes widened. He'd left her behind.

Panic now.

"Oh no. No no no no! Tali, oh God…I'm sorry!" His voice cracked and he felt tears well up. They were close to becoming full-blown sobs. "I didn't know! I would…I would have…"

A dry, disgusted breeze blew through him.

Tali's eyes locked with his - her love was still held firmly within them.

"Would you?"

Two simple words, one monstrous question.

Shepard brushed her question aside because -

She was too close to the edge and he leapt toward her then. He had to touch her, had to hold his Tali close to him. She had to know that he was real, that he was here, that he was hers.

Again, the deafening wail of Harbinger once more filled the air and pierced into his eardrums. Grunting, he felt them pop under the sheer weight of volume. Blood drained from them, rolling in slick black rivulets down his neck.

His hands found purchase on her shoulders, and he tried to pull her close to him. Sickeningly, he heard and felt his right hand burrow through her shoulder - where this…scar was. It swept downward toward her heart, blackened flesh parting before his fingers in a stomach-turning squelch. Her ruined flesh liquified as his fingers passed…

He screamed as he watched this occur, looking unbelievably from his hand plowing through her ruined shoulder to her face then back again.

Maniacally, Tali still regarded him with a loving smile.

His hand burrowed further, unable as he was to remove it from her body. His tears streamed heavily and he sobbed in heaving fits.

Finally, the burrowing ceased. He felt the steady thumpthump of her heart. He felt it beat rhythmically in his hand.

Her right hand gripped the wrist of his buried hand. She used it to pull herself forward to him, whispering into his still bleeding ear.

"John, I love you, but you should have let me die."

With that, the flesh that surrounded his buried hand hardened like drying concrete, exerting impossible pressure on it. Helplessly, he felt her body fall back, tugging him along with her. The only thing he could think of to do was to grab the buried arm with his free hand and pull. He first thought that it was successful; that he was pulling her back from the edge of certain death.

The popping of tendon and bone, the ripping of muscle and flesh told him otherwise.

Somewhere in his mind, he thought that this was the worst pain he'd ever felt in his life.

Eyes wide, he watched in slow motion as Tali's body fell backward, clear panic on her face as the loving smile finally gave way to bloodcurdling screams of abject and complete agony.

It was his name that she screamed.

Tali teetered over the edge, and Shepard tried one last time to cradle her - to save her - even with his severed hand protruding sickeningly out of her chest and the ruined stump of his arm spurting his blood.

He leapt again.

He missed.

Laying hopelessly defeated at the cliff's edge, he screamed her name.

Turns out it his hand was just the second-worst pain.

"John! JOHN! Keelah, wake up!"

Tali was in a full-on panic. She had woken up with a start to the sounds of John screaming for her, he was curled up and clutching at his right arm tightly. His face had contorted into an agony-filled grimace, tears freely streaming down his cheeks. She had tried everything: she hugged him, she ran her fingers along his face, she whispered into his ear.

Nothing was working, not even her screamed command. In a last-ditch effort, she popped a quick shot of meds and removed her mask.

"John…oh ancestors…"

Leaping from their bed to the floor of their apartment, Tali crouched down, luminescent eyes wide. He had reverted to a few stunted whimpers, occasionally whispering her name as he rocked back-and-forth on his side. She reached out and cupped his face before she kissed him. Almost immediately, the whimpering ceased. It was replaced with a throaty moan as Tali's fingers ran sweetly across his cheek.

His eyes fluttered open.

There was a moment between the haze of the nightmare and the clarity of recognition when he simply blinked.

He uncurled his arms from his chest and wrapped her up in them. He held her tightly - more tightly than either of them could ever remember (even more than when he had first woken up in the hospital). He showered her beautiful face with kisses, happy and so relieved to feel her breath and the subtle pulse of the cybernetics just beneath her skin. He didn't give a shit about the hot tears that ran down his cheeks and softly landed on hers.

"Tali…I want…I want…" he continued to shower her with kisses before resting his forehead directly against hers.

He had no idea what exactly it was that he wanted. Except her.

"Shhh, John. I'm here." She stared deeply into his blue eyes. Tali's pulse slowed down to something resembling normal as his breathing calmed down. She ran fingers through his hair.

He whimpered softly.

"John…what happened?"

He exhaled slowly, finally with something resembling control.

"It was the worst nightmare that I've ever had."

She cocked her head slightly in confusion, eyes wide. "Worse than the dis'mael that you had after…after you…after Cerberus…?" Saying it aloud forced her to relive her early days back aboard the SR-2. Shepard had been half-convinced that he was some dead thing walking around in Shepard's body. It had taken her a long time to convince him otherwise.

"Yes Tali, worse than that. And worse than…Legion. And EDI." He'd almost added the old human expression "God rest their souls", simply out of reflex. "It's…it's not even close."

Biting her lip, she lowered her eyes from his, shuddering at the words.

Keelah, what could be worse than that?

"John," she breathed, "can you tell me about it?"

For a long moment, he said nothing, considering.

Decaying flesh.

Blood everywhere.

Her smile.

Her smile.

"You should have let me die."

He remembered every grisly detail.

Every. Fucking. One.

He nodded, almost imperceptibly.

Tali sat next to him, her legs curled underneath her.

"What about your mask, Tal?"

"This?" She pointed at the visor that sat haphazardly on the floor. "John, to hell withthat mask. I'll be fine, trust me."

He sniffed a light chuckle. "Okay."

Then he told her everything. Every detail.

Every. Fucking. One.

As he did so, he watched her carefully, trying to gauge whether or not he should perhaps leave some things to the imagination (like his severed hand buried in her chest). However, he found that for the most part, she kept a steady unflinching gaze. She only rarely broke eye contact, and despite the tears that were pooling at the corners of her eyes, every time he would pause she would gently prod him to continue. In the end, he spared no detail.

When he finally finished telling her of her grisly descent into the void, Tali flung herself around him, sobbing loudly into his neck.

"Oh, John…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" was her repeated refrain. It was her turn to shower his face with kisses.

"Tali," he croaked, "why didn't you tell me? I had to find out from Raan."

"Keelah, I don't know. I don't know, saera. I was," she shivered before finishing, "I was afraid. I was young, embarrassed a little, but mostly I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"That you would have denied me. Told me I was wrong. Wrong for you. Right after I found you again. I didn't know how you felt about me…about us." Her voice had trailed off into a softness that he recognized well. "Two years is a long time."

He recalled it well himself - they had danced around the topic of a relationship even before the SR-1 had been destroyed. Then they had continued to dance around the topic until Tali had made a courageously full confession, albeit while she thought he was unconscious, but still.

And he'd been so proud and thankful for her - because he'd been too chickenshit to have done it himself.

But they were on the hunt to stop the Collectors, and there had been precious little time or opportunity to discuss something like that.

"Well…what about after…?"

She knew what he meant. Right after she had shown him her face. Right after he had loved her so tenderly, and right after she had assaulted him with the pent up libido of a 24-year old virgin who had been locked away in a suit her entire life. Right before they struck the Collector base. It just didn't seem like a good time to bring it up.

But he'd loved her so completely and without reservation before that night had even taken place.

"After?" She shook her head ruefully. "There was no after, John. By the time I realized…that I should have already told you…you were already arrested."

He sighed, resigned to what had happened. "And you were back on the fleet."

"Yeah. And…and when I came back to you," she made a half-sniffle at the thought of how their reunion on the Normandy had played out, "what you told me…about how you had been…without me. How you had been just like me without you. Well, by then I realized that it was too late. For either of us."

There was an extended silence. Occasionally he would rub his chin as if in deep thought. But he always managed to keep a hand on her - holding her hand, resting on her thigh - as a subtle way to remind her that their connection remained unchanged, unbroken. But Tali wondered just what his reaction was really going to be. Eventually (and to her surprise), he cocked a small smirk. "You dumbass. Did you really think that I could have left you? That I would have even wanted to? After everything you've done for me?"

"Oh please," she scoffed with some bashfulness. "What have I ever done for you?"

The look he gave her actually made her laugh. "Do I really have to tell you? On top of that, when have I ever told you 'no'?"

"No, no you don't have to tell me, and you don't really tell me 'no', either. But this was a little different to me asking if we could swap sides on the bed." She ran her fingers along his cheek and then lightly slapped him there. "And I'm not a dumbass, you bosh'tet. I know what that means. I'm your 'princess' as I recall. Besides," she twisted a few strands of his hair around her finger, "I didn't see a point to it by then." She shrugged. "We were at war. The Reapers were coming. I was…willing to take that chance." She paused for a few moments, considering her next words. "It hurt me, keelah did it hurt me. John, that was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life…more than even when mother died or when you died…the first time. I was ready to…"

"Hold on." John shifted to lay down, inviting her in beside him. She laid next to him, scooting her body to make as much contact with his warmth as she could. With one arm under the pillow and the other on his chest, she nuzzled her face into his neck as far as she could, with her helmet still operating as obstruction. Topping her hand with his, he closed his eyes and asked the obvious question, already knowing the grim answer. "Ready to what, Tali?"

"I…I was ready to die. Losing you hurt so much," her whispered voice wavered as he pulled her in close, "I had it all planned out, too."

"Planned…out?"

She nodded her head against him. "Yes. I was going to go home…" Tali cleared her throat. "I was going to come here. I'd have grabbed anything that had your…scent…" her voice wavered once more as she tried to hold herself together at the thought of her plan. "Anything with your scent - a pillow, your hoodie, any shirt if I could find nothing else - and hold it close to me as I…"

Shepard wrapped his arms around her slightly shaking body to hold her close. "Tal, that's enough." She squeezed him tightly. "I mean it. I get the idea. No more of this, okay? You did great. You got the Normandy home and you found me. You saved me. We made it. We're getting bonded, Tali." Smiling he planted a kiss on her forehead. "It'll be official and everything. There might even be official records. You know, paperwork and stuff. And you're going to be stuck with me. No more felz'elt, I promise."

She actually giggled at the way he slurred the unfamiliar word around his tongue.

"To your earlier point though," his curious smile grew broader, "that's exactly what I told Raan. That you were an equal, that you could make your own choices. If you were willing to take a risk like…like that, then so was I."

"You…you did?" Tali's face brightened.

He held up his hand with his first three fingers extended and pressed together. "Mmmhmm, scout's honor. I told her that you knew how it was for either of us. And that not only had you chosen to take a chance that you could lose me, but I knew that I could lose you." There was a muted pause as he held her face with his free hand. "You know, I almost did," he whispered thickly.

"That's why you called in the Normandy?"

He nodded soberly. "That's why I called in the Normandy. And also…you were pretty badly hurt." He shrugged. "You would have just slowed me down." That damned half-smirk resurfaced as he tried to play the remark off as some humored barb and not the truth that it was. He should have known better.

"John, that's…not funny. And…I would have. You're right."

He furrowed his brow. "No, it wasn't funny at all."

"I am sorry…for n-not telling you." She looked down at her fingers drumming wildly on his chest. It's what they always resorted to when her other hand wasn't available. They immediately stopped their little dance as he pressed his hand over hers.

"I know, but it's okay. Really. Things just happened that way, Tal." He gave her another quick kiss on the lips. "And I still wouldn't have changed a thing." He gave a little mischievous smile. "Now, how do you think those meds are holding up? Do you think we could maybe…?"

As she quickly moved overtop him, pinning him with her thighs, she laughed - in relief, in appreciation, in love - at his suggestion, but her eyes and low growl implied that it was more than a joke to her. "Well, I've already been exposed to the air for this long. And you've strengthened my immune system so much already. But it'd have to be quick." She leaned in, giving him a deep kiss. "Maybe we could…my captain." She ended the sentence with another little peck on the lips. John almost returned her little growl in anticipation - she knew how "my captain" affected him, especially when she used that voice on him. He reached for the small clasps that would have released her entire helmet, as she already had her hands running down his chest to lift off his -

Buuzzzzz

Both of them stopped exactly where they were - John with his fingers hovering just over the release clamps, and Tali with one hand under his shirt and the other heading steadily south. What the fuck was that noise?

"Is that the -?"

"Should we get the -?"

Buuuuuzzzz

From outside the door, a low and husky woman's voice greeted them. "Tali, Shep? Are you…home?"

Was that…was that Kasumi?