A/N: Bit of a shorter chapter this time, but we're gearing up for a chonky Chapter 15 :)
Chapter 13 Content Warnings: N/A
Chapter 13: just come as you are
Caspian
In theory, politicking should keep him at meals more often. In practice, mealtimes are the only times Caspian knows exactly where his uncle is - and where he isn't. It's the perfect time for sneaking around and holding quiet conversations. Caspian speaks with lords and chamberlains and the two generals left who didn't outright despise his father at the oddest places.
An empty hallway en route to the training grounds. The stairwell on the way to the Professor's study for afternoon lessons. The weapons room after practicing his sword forms. He's trying, but Caspian has the creeping sense it's not enough.
He's not enough.
If these conversations haven't won them over by now, Caspian isn't hopeful he can sway them. Not with Miraz's probable heir on the way. The news hasn't officially been announced, yet all the lords and military men seem well aware. Nothing stays secret in this castle for long.
The thought chills his neck, and even sparring to exhaustion does little to clear his mind.
By the time Caspian finishes for the day, his stomach is complaining every few minutes and his muscles are sore from the hardest sword practice he's had in months. Caspian winds his way down the kitchen without thinking it through. It's late enough the place should be empty.
When Caspian arrives outside the kitchen door, he finds he was quite wrong. The castle kitchen is well alive, lit with torches high on the walls and bustling with maids scrubbing pots and heating dishwater over the hearth.
He finds Addie on instinct - she's working side by side with a younger maid, both up to their elbows in a sudsy pot.
"Who's this now?" An imposing woman nearly Caspian's height appears from the chaos with a slightly bent wooden spatula in her hand and a scowl set on her face.
The infamous Perla.
Caspian bows, ignoring how his legs scream in protest. "My name is Caspian. I'm afraid I missed dinner, madam. I meant no trouble."
The effect is instantaneous. Addie fumbles mid-scrub, the brush flying from her hand and landing halfway across the kitchen. The maid beside her whips around gawking, bubbles dripping onto her apron. The two other maids freeze, one turning to stare and the other turning back to wipe the countertop with a fury. Perla is the only one entirely unfazed.
The imposing woman wags the spatula in his general direction, and Caspian has heard enough stories to flinch involuntarily. "Fine then. Anna, grab a princely chunk of bread and an apple."
The round-faced maid who must be Anna - one of the few who didn't stop cleaning amid the disturbance - disappears into the pantry and returns with half a white loaf and an apple in hand. Caspian thanks her and scurries back to his room.
Miraz won't have to worry much longer; Addie's going to kill him.
"I could strangle you."
Caspian winces, his shoulders flying up to protect his ears - Addie won't strangle him, but she's not above flicking his earlobes. "In my defence, I hadn't found time to eat since breakfast."
His chair scrapes and sudden vertigo sends him flailing before his chair steadies against strong thighs. Addie's face appears against the ceiling wearing a glare that could rival the sight of Perla with spatula in hand.
"You're an idiot. I'm glad you got food. But you're an idiot."
With a little push, his chair settles back on four legs. Caspian jumps up posthaste, just in case. "Did you get that scrub brush back? I hope it wasn't too dirty."
"Saw that, did you?" Addie's mouth twists wryly, the scowl gone. "Luckily, no one thought twice about it. You caused quite a stir."
"It was not my intent, I can assure you." Caspian smooths his trousers and elects not to reach for her just yet. Being tilted back in one's chair has a curious way of pouring healthy caution into a man.
Finally, Addie uncrosses her arms and smiles grudgingly up at him. "I know. It was a little funny."
Addie closes the distance herself, winding her arms around his waist. Caspian relaxes as much as his sore muscles will allow.
"How are you?" he murmurs into her hair, punctuating the usual greeting with a kiss.
Addie shrugs, her shoulders jostling his hold. "Bit tense. Rumours make the rounds fast."
She pauses, the steady flow of her breathing halting longer than it usually does when she picks an amusing story from her day to share. "Marcos dropped by. Where did he end up, anyway?"
Caspian's hand stops mid-circle on her back. "The gates of the city. Are you alright? What did he want?"
"Said he wanted to apologise. Warned me too." Addie's hold on him loosens, her body stiff. It's as if she's tucking herself away behind a veil - still there, still visible, but faded.
"About?"
If there wasn't distance between them before, there is now. Caspian lets his arms fall away as soon as Addie pulls back.
"What do you think? He definitely owed me an apology." Addie's arms cross over her chest again, her dress sliding to the edge of one shoulder. Caspian wishes she'd look at him, just for a moment so he can figure out what she needs. So it wouldn't feel as though she's pulling away the instant that soldier reenters the picture.
Caspian swallows a snappish remark and tries for patience. "And the warning? Did he hurt you?"
Addie seems capable of looking anywhere but at him. "No. Just the same warning making the rounds."
"You're on speaking terms?" Caspian's teeth graze the tender edge of his tongue. He swallows away the taste of salt and metal and tells himself Addie is walking to the window because she's tired after a long day on her feet.
Caspian clears his throat. "I thought he -"
"It's complicated." Addie rubs away a smudge on the glass. "I don't like it any more than you do."
Caspian lingers by his desk, the polished wood a welcome distraction for his hands. "Are you alright?"
Addie sinks into the window cushion. Her silence lodges tight in his throat, weighs down his tongue.
It shouldn't be this hard getting answers from her. This feels too much like she's hiding something important, and it really isn't the time for keeping secrets from each other.
Addie pulls knees tight to her chest as she stares out at the night sky and the eyelash moon.
"It's fine," she answers, at last. "If he's reporting back to Miraz, I'd rather not tempt fate. He's the third person who's said something about your aunt and upcoming royal nephew."
"Royal cousin," Caspian says distantly, his bitten tongue raw where it rubs his teeth. "My aunt's child."
He should follow her example and sit down. Instead, Caspian stands behind his chair and clutches the one-winged eagle carving like a lifeline.
"Cousin, then," snaps Addie. "But Miraz is the one to worry about, isn't he?"
"He won't touch you." The words are out before Caspian can temper his tone or the sudden, choking threat of another loss he can't prevent.
This time will be different. This time, Caspian is ready.
Addie throws her head back, nearly hitting the wall. "That's not what -"
"Marcos or Miraz," Caspian continues, drumming his fingers on the chair so he won't break off the eagle's remaining wing. "No one will hurt you, do you understand?"
Addie flinches the moment he raises his voice. Caspian braces his elbows on the chair and fists his hands in his hair, tugging at the roots in a desperate bid for temperance.
Miraz will not take her too. Caspian won't allow it; he'll spirit her away before his uncle can so much as lay eyes on her again.
Addie may be curled up into herself, but her glare is still hot enough to melt steel. "Me dying isn't the issue," she retorts. "So stop grumbling about Marcos. He's nothing. You have bigger things to worry about."
Must she make this so difficult? Caspian takes a breath, steadies himself before speaking.
"Anything that worries you worries me, whether that be Marcos or nightmares or the end of Perla's spatula. I can't not worry. Not when it concerns you."
"All that worrying won't mean much if you're dead, Caspian. Miraz is after you, not me."
Addie's voice breaks on his name, and there at last, Caspian hears his own fears echoing under her irascible words. He should have recognised that tightly wound cocoon earlier.
The air trapped in his lungs eases out as Caspian remembers how Addie snapped when she asked him to undo Marcos' reassignment. She was angry then too, but just like now it was only a shell.
Caspian steps from behind the chair and kneels in front of the window seat, even though there's more than enough room to sit in the window with how tightly Addie's curled up. He reaches for her slowly, half expecting her to push him away. But when Addie slides both her hands into his, it feels like the first step of reconciliation.
She still won't look at him. Addie's whisper is a shaky thing as it stretches out between them. "You can't die. Not like this. Not-" Her hands shift until her index finger lands on his pulse, thrumming heavily on the inside of his wrist. "I can't lose you, okay? So just… don't worry about this."
"Alright." Perhaps he won't banish the worry, but Caspian knows not to push her for now. She's right that his uncle is the greater threat to them both.
But Marcos has hurt her before.
Addie slides into his lap too quickly for Caspian to catch her properly. Her legs land on either side of his as her weight settles him onto his heels. Their hands fumble for a bit, caught awkwardly between their chests before Addie pulls free and throws her arms tight around his neck. Caspian can't get his arms around her fast enough.
The frantic pounding of Caspian's heart finally eases with Addie's body tight to his, her hair tickling his nose and her breathing steadier as her chest rises and falls with his. He's vaguely aware of how tight Addie's legs grip his thighs, but the pressure isn't sharp enough to keep him from holding her until she stops trembling.
"Only tell me you're safe, and I'll not ask again." Just this. Just reassurance that Addie's not pushing all other worries away because she's distracted fearing for him.
Addie's tears flow hot and fresh against his neck. "Safe enough," she whispers. "Safer than you."
Caspian clutches her until his arms shake and the hours of sword practice ripple in painful waves with every moment he holds on. He eases his grasp enough for his muscles to settle again.
"If I asked you to sleep in my bed," Caspian murmurs, "would you?"
Addie presses a single wet kiss into his neck. "Not sure I'm at my most desirable."
When she sniffles as if to prove her point, Caspian's face threatens to go up in flames.
"No, I mean- firstly, you always are. Secondly, I truly meant sleeping. I missed you more knowing you were only a room away."
Her laugh is a fleeting, beautiful thing, though it pops out like a bubble - wet around the edges and thick with her tears.
"Charming as ever." Addie's fingers trace careful circles on the back of his neck. "And yes, I would. In either sense, in case you were wondering."
It takes longer than it should for the meaning to fully sink in; Caspian is forming his mouth around an innocuous expression of relief when the understanding strikes.
"Are you sure?"
There, an innocent enough query. It's not even a fraction of what Caspian would rather say or do, but in the aftermath of so much rawness between them it seems like the wiser approach.
This once, Addie doesn't poke fun or try to kiss the questions out of him. She has no mischievous smile when she pulls back to look him in the eye, nor a wicked gleam in her gaze or desire sparking madly in her fingertips. She nods once, a tiny movement so unlike her.
"I don't want to lose you without knowing every part of you." Addie's hands glide to his jaw, the heat in her palms a soft, fierce, unquenchable thing. "And you of me, I suppose."
When he kisses her, Caspian tastes the salt of her tears. The hunger ignites slower, uncurling low in his belly like an autumn sunrise instead the inferno Addie always sweeps him into. This time, the desperation is a tentative thing.
Addie's tears don't stop as their lips meet again and again, no matter how many times he wipes them away.
Caspian decides then, with his thumbs gentle on her wet cheeks.
He can't do it.
"Not like this," Caspian whispers into her mouth. "Any other way but this."
"Like what?" Addie nuzzles his nose, her hands soft and hesitant on the sides of his neck.
"Like you're saying goodbye." Caspian pushes Addie's wayward curls back from her face. He needs to see her eyes, needs her to look at him like she's just waking up. Not like she's afraid she'll never see him again. "Shouldn't it be a beginning between us?"
Addie's lip trembles. "And if there aren't any beginnings left? What then?"
He wants to tell her there are. Caspian wants to say they can have a thousand beginnings if they want, that things will turn out alright and they'll never have to lose each other. He wants her to have the hope he struggles to keep. Caspian wants to lie.
He can't.
So he gives her the one thing he can. Caspian holds her and rocks until Addie softens against him and her breathing evens out. Caspian waits until her arms sag and her weight sinks into him before he stands as slowly as he dares. Caspian slides out from under her just enough to gather both Addie's legs under his arm and cradle her as he stands. After a bit of manoeuvring, they're in the bedroom.
Caspian slips Addie into the bed first, clumsily drawing the sheets aside as he tries not to drop her legs. By some miracle, Addie doesn't stir - not even when he eases her down, shucks off his boots, and slides in beside her.
He's always slept on his back. But tonight, Caspian turns on his side so he can clutch both her hands as he watches her sleep. Even now, the worry lines in Addie's forehead haven't completely evened out. Caspian smooths his thumb over the lingering creases until Addie lets out a sigh and her face relaxes. Her right hand tugs him closer as she shifts to close the scant space between them. Addie only stops when both her arms surround Caspian's left, his forearm pressed from her stomach to her collarbone and their breaths intermingling. Finally, her closeness soothes the raw edges of their spat and Caspian finds sleep.
When Caspian wakes, Addie is already up. He's turned onto his back in the night; as he stretches and blinks some semblance of wakefulness into his eyes, Caspian finds Addie laying on her side observing him. As he faces her, Addie looks away even though her hand strokes his arm.
Caspian casts about for something to say, but he can only think of the polite thing. "Did you sleep well?"
Addie doesn't tease his manners this time. "Mostly," she whispers. Her touch lightens to a single finger, light enough her nail catches on the fabric bunched at his elbow. "You?"
"Better once it seemed you were."
He needs to say something else, anything else. It seems cruel to go their separate ways for the day with only polite inquiries to soothe the tension stretched tight between them. Caspian reaches for her, half worried she'll pull away.
Addie stays still, and though her gaze lifts it still doesn't meet his. Caspian hesitates for only a moment before letting his fingertips brush over her cheek. Addie sighs and instantly nuzzles into his touch.
"I'm sorry," Caspian whispers. "I should not have raised my voice."
Addie has never hesitated to say when he oversteps or to confirm a mistake when he apologises, but she doesn't speak now. Long moments pass as Caspian's fingers stall over her skin.
"I'm scared." Addie's voice breaks. A moment later, the tremors he can't see tickle Caspian's hand where it rests on her cheek. "I don't want you worrying about me. Not when I'm terrified for you."
Caspian cups her jaw and lifts as gently as he dares until Addie looks at him properly. Her brown eyes are watery, but nothing spills from the corners this time.
"I'm doing all I can. I swear to you, I am. But at times, it would be a relief to have things I can fix." Caspian reaches to twirl a stray curl listing toward her eyes around his finger. "If I can help, Addie, I would very much like to."
"Just be here," she murmurs. "Here, with me. That's what you can do." Addie glances away again, but only for a moment. Only long enough for him to miss her. "I can handle this, okay? I wasn't happy to see him again, but it's… I don't know. It's complicated."
"Tell me." It's an instinct Caspian is scarcely aware of, to rub small circles where Addie's neck meets her ear. "Please."
When Addie exhales, the air itself seems to push her further away. She rolls onto her back, beyond the reach of his hand. "I don't think you'll like what's on my mind."
Of all the things he could say, honesty seems the wisest option. Even if she'll pull away again. "Perhaps not," Caspian says, "but I would be a poor companion if I didn't listen just the same."
Somehow, this is how the cord stretched between them snaps down to nothing. Addie laughs, short and loud.
"Companion? That's certainly a word for it. Companion. Really, Cas, of all the words."
Caspian laughs with her despite his flaming ears. "If you have an alternative, I'd gladly hear it."
"I have a few," Addie giggles, still smiling up at the canopy. "How much time do we have?"
"How many are there?" Even if Addie's picked up a new idea with every book he's shared with her, no list could take more time than he has before breakfast - the sun's barely edged over the horizon.
"It's not so much the number. More what they mean - or usually do." Addie's smile is a radiant thing, her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and her nose crinkled just so.
Caspian raises an eyebrow and elects for patience. Surely she's not so cruel to bait him and fail to divulge whatever sinful workings her mind has concocted.
Apparently, he can still underestimate her.
Addie sits up, tosses the blankets aside, and scoots to the foot of the bed. "Best greet the day, don't you think? You've a breakfast to get to and I should come up with my excuse for being early again."
Caspian stares. By the time he works out that if he wants to hear Addie's ideas he must convince her to stay on the bed, Addie is already breezing toward the study.
He's a fool.
With a dramatic groan only half put-on, Caspian crawls out of bed to 'greet the day,' as Addie so cheerfully put it.
"Will you at least tell me your preference?"
Addie says nothing as she pulls the study door closed, leaving him little to do but change and stew. Only when Caspian closes the wardrobe does Addie return, still grinning in a manner no sane man would not fear. She pops up onto her toes and kisses him - if such a quick press of lips can be called such.
Caspian's hand is on the door when Addie's answer chimes out.
"Lover has a lovely ring to it, don't you think?"
Lion's Mane, she really will be the death of him.
A/N: I do so love the tenderness mixed with angst...
Chapter 14 Preview:
"Weird. Why would Lord Miraz care about -" Lola breaks off with a gasp, her eyes widening as she claps a hand over her mouth. "You're not."